Текст книги "Weak Without Him"

Автор книги: Lyra Parish

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Weak Without Him
Weakness – 2
Lyra Parish

For my professors who thought I should do something creative with my life. I hope this counts.

Hearts live by being wounded.

–OSCAR WILDE

One

Viva Las Vegas.

Sometimes I hated myself for being weak, for giving into Finnley Felton. Other times I reveled in his touch, in the fact that he wanted and had me. When I looked into his eyes, something inside of me snapped in to place, compacting every emotion, creating a wave of solitude knowing he had taken my virginity. Regardless of how much I pretended he took me, I willingly gave myself to him like the little whore I was meant to be. Finnley's whore and, truth be known, I would do it again, and again, and again.

Three pounds against my door tore me from a dreamless sleep. I swung it open and there stood Jesse with a bitch grin on her face. I cocked an eyebrow at her awkward happiness.

"You're due in Mr. Felton's office immediately. I know it's a struggle for you, but try to look presentable."

"Why?"

"Because you're fired."

Those words physically overtook her. At that moment I realized how much she really hated me.

"You're being released from your duties. Once the paperwork is signed at the office, it will be finished. No time for your shit. All of it will be packed and shipped to wherever you will be living. Termination effective immediately."

"I need to get dressed, at least. And exactly what did I do to be fired?"

I wanted to hear the words 'you fucked Felton' come from her mouth, and I smiled slyly as she pursed her lips to speak.

"You are being terminated for refusing Luketon Brand, deliberately disobeying orders, and for disrespecting Mr. Felton. I've had enough of you and so has he."

My eyes widened. That mother fuc—

I couldn't even finish my thoughts without her interrupting me.

"What are you waiting for? Get dressed, now."

"Shit," I whispered and stared as she walked away.

"Stand there and gawk longer than three minutes, and I will call security on your ass."

The look in her eyes combined with her evil bitch grimace and I knew she wasn't joking. I slammed the door and hurried into some blue jeans and a sweater. Great, I looked as frumpy as Charlie Brown.

Felton had seductively whispered 'you're fired', but I thought he was semi-joking. Now as the devil stared me in the face, I knew that he hadn't been. Not cool. Not cool at all. Although I didn't have enough time to grab my things, I stopped and knocked on Lori's door. She cracked it almost immediately. Sleeping beauty woke looking perfect.

"Oh, you're awake."

"I wasn't. I'm a light sleeper."

"I know, I know. Listen, I've been fired. Let's meet for lunch on Thursday. Keep your ears and eyes open."

"Fired for what?"

"Thursday. I've got to go right now. Jesse already threatened to have me removed from the premises if I lollygag."

"Why is she such a bitch?" Lori asked.

"Because she is the daughter of Satan? Gotta go."

I leaned in, gave her a tight squeeze around the neck, then took my time walking down the stairs. It was my last time to show Jesse that she wasn't Queen of The Elite kingdom. Bitch, I was.

I took in every detail of the house until I made it to the bottom step: the chandeliers, the painted pictures on the wall, the high ceilings. The only evil person that was happy to see me leave was waiting by the door: Jesse. I took in a deep breath as I passed her. She ate up every minute of my departure and probably wished the door would hit me on the way out.

Begrudgingly, I slid inside the limo that waited outside Felton Estates. Funny how just months ago I moved into the house, and now I was moving out. My life changed with a move and continued to warp with another. Unsettled should be my middle name. Even that would be better than Antoinette.

Jesse waited in the limo, and once I was inside Charlie slammed the door shut. As we sped down the drive, she sat with a Cheshire-cat grin on her face, but little did she know, I actually got the last laugh.

"I can't believe you denied Luketon Brand. You do understand that Felton had to fire you once you rejected Luke. You should have been fired after that little incident in your bedroom, but, I digress."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Oh, Mr. Felton gave me all the details."

I flushed.

"How you walked out on Luketon and refused to go through with it on Friday. You know, you should be happy that you aren't being sued for breach of contract with Mr. Brand and The Elite. But it's not over yet."

She didn’t know. Finnley had gracefully covered the fact that he swooped in and took my virginity. Forgetting to mention to her that he burst through the door like the Hulk and demanded I leave Luke's house. But why would he do that? Why wouldn't he want anyone to know? Was he embarrassed of me? I didn't know. We hadn't spoken since that night.

I knew he fired me because I mentioned love. But he started it.

Afterward, he had pulled me into his arms and kissed my lips. His smell encapsulated me and made every fiber of my body stand on end. No matter how close I was to him, I could never have enough.

After ten awkward minutes, Charlie opened the door with a smile outside the office building but quickly turned cold toward Jesse. I knew I liked him.

My heart raced as I entered the atrium of The Elite building. Sparkling glass windows surrounded me and allowed little slivers of sunlight to enter. In the elevator, Jesse silently laughed to herself. I rolled my eyes.

On Felton's floor, my breath caught as I looked at the golden plaque with his name neatly scribed across with perfectly curly F's.

Jesse knocked, and I heard his voice commanding us to enter.

Finnley Felton stood in a dark gray suit with a green tie, the exact color of his eyes. When I caught sight of him, my heart raced.

Calm down, Jennifer.

"Here she is as you requested. Eleven a.m. sharp," Jesse said to Finnley, so sweetly, so genuinely that I almost forgot she was a raging bitch.

"Fantastic," he said, then pulled a black folder from his desk drawer and motioned for us to sit.

I sucked in a deep breath and tried to calm the fuck down. But he stared, and his sex-messed hair urged my emotions wild.

Jesse continued to smile as Felton pulled out the termination letter. Glad I could make the devil happy.

"I need you to sign here and here, Jennifer"—he paused and the room froze for a brief second as we made eye contact—"and here. This one states that you will not go to the press or divulge information to competition. This last one states you've been released from your duties and are no longer property of The Elite."

I didn't say a word as I signed my name across the bottom. Jesse notarized the document after Finnley signed. It was done. I was no longer an Elite.

He closed the folder and placed it inside of his desk drawer. Jesse stood and eagerly waited to escort me from the premises.

"I never thought this day would come," she whispered to me as we walked toward the door.

"Jennifer, I would like a word with you please," Finnley said.

I stopped, and Jesse did too.

"Alone," he stressed.

Without a thought, I gave her the same grin she delivered to me all morning. She scoffed and crossed her arms.

"You've been dismissed, Jesse. Thank you."

With her fists in tight balls, she stormed out of the room. I sat in the chair across from Finn's desk. Jennifer Downs had the last laugh after all. I thought back to the first time I sat in this chair. Naked.

He interlocked his fingers and stared at me from the other side of the desk.

I stared back.

"So," he said.

"So," I replied.

We sat there for an awkward amount of time like high school kids who had a crush on one another.

"Oh my God, Finn. Just come out and say it."

"Excuse me?"

"Just come out and say it was a giant mistake. All of it."

Finnley stood and walked toward me. I stood as well. Once he was in front of me, I smelled his soap, his clothes, and everything that made him Finn. He ran his fingers through my hair then leaned in and brushed his lips so gently across mine that he stole my voice. Before I even muttered a word, we were kissing one another softly, taking our time, and I wished the moment would never end.

"I admit that I'm your occasional asshole, but what we did was not a mistake."

Then he looked at me as if he were waiting for me to agree. I contemplated saying something smart alecky, but I couldn't, not when he was looking at me with such a burning intensity.

"I don't think it was a mistake either," I said. Then I snaked my arms around his waist. "Are you embarrassed of me?" I asked into his chest.

He pushed me away from him and looked down into my eyes. "Embarrassed of you? Are you fucking kidding me?"

"Why did you lie? Why did you tell Jesse I refused Luke, and you fired me for that reason?"

Luke; his name left a giant gaping hole in my heart. The thought of him that night, so sweet and vulnerable, never left me. It haunted me.

Finnley sighed. But I knew he wouldn't hold back. He at least owed me the answers to my questions.

"I would never be ashamed of you or what we did. Ever. I couldn't tell Jesse. I don't want anyone knowing, especially the Girls. It's easier this way. Women talk, and the rumors will spread like wildfire. I can't have that."

"She's in love with you, you know."

"I know."

"Why don't you fire her, then? It's only fair."

"First, Jesse is a manager… not one of my Girls. Second, I would never, let me reiterate this, never act upon her feelings. She's a beautiful woman but not my type at all, and I need her around to run the daily tasks. She is an asset to the company. It's just a little infatuation, puppy love, and it's harmless, really."

"That harmless infatuation is why she rode my ass for the last two months."

Finnley grabbed my hand and led me to the windows. Las Vegas was a soup bowl of sin and flashy attractions. As I stared out the window at the gloomy gray sky, I realized a small part of me would miss being a part of The Elite culture with pretty clothes, fancy parties, curfews, and rules.

"Move in with me," he whispered.

"I just moved out. Don't you think that wou—"

"You honestly don't think my official residence is at the Estates with all the Girls." He laughed. "I have a private house in the Ridges."

I didn't know what to say.

What else didn't I know about Finnley Felton? I closed my eyes for a few seconds then opened them. I didn't have anywhere else to go. My options were to move in with Finnley, or find an apartment, today. I was all for easy.

Finn lifted an eyebrow and when I smiled his lips found mine. He backed me against the windows. Cool glass pressed on my back while his warm lips and body pushed against mine.

"Yes, yes."

I didn't know why I said yes, but I thought back to the first time I took a chance with him and joined The Elite. Lady Luck loved my ass, and I knew that if I gambled with her again, she would do me right.

"You have no idea what you just agreed to," he said.

"That's a known fact whenever you're involved." Finnley leaned in and gave me another kiss and as I walked away, his hand connected with my ass. Before I opened the door, I turned and looked at Finnley, with his arms crossed, watching me leave. I shook my head and left.

Jesse waited for me outside of Finn's office. Her nostrils flared when she looked at me. Intimidated, much? When I passed her, she grabbed my arm, hard. I looked down at her hand, and she looked at me with so much hate in her eyes that I almost shuddered. Almost.

"I've already told you once, don't you ever touch me like that again."

"Take this as your warning. You may not be an Elite any longer, but you need to stay away from Finnley, or you'll be sorry."

I yanked my arm from her grasp then took a step closer to her, leaning in toward her face.

"I don't take kindly to threats, Jesse. I'm not sure if you understand what I'm saying, but you aren't my boss anymore. I don't have to listen to the shit that you say. Now, I've got plans, so if you'll excuse me."

"It's not a threat. It's a promise."

"I pity you." I stepped inside the glass elevator, but she didn't follow. My adrenaline spiked, my pulse raced, and I was so pissed off at the audacity of her actions that half of me wanted to return to Finn's floor and punch her in the throat. Who the hell did she think she was?

I took my time walking through the atrium then exited through the double doors. Charlie waited outside the limo. Decisions.

"Jennifer, I will be taking you to your new home. Your belongings are already there," he said.

"But how did you know?"

"Mr. Felton had no doubt that your answer would be yes."

I looked up the building and thought I saw him standing at the windows smiling down at me, but the reflections of the clouds made it too dark. That sneaky little bastard knew me way too well.

FINNLEY
Two

I knew she would say yes and move in with me if I asked. Not many had succeeded in refusing me over the last few years, and I appreciated that she hadn't either. I basked in the glory of knowing that I could make women beg and plead to have me, but the truth was Jennifer didn't have to. I wanted to give her every piece of me, but not all at once. It really was about the chase.

Her living with me was a huge step, but just like everything else with Jennifer Downs, I seemed to jump in heart first, dick second, and brain last. Though occasionally the order would switch.

When I saw her today, I thought my heart might stop. The way those eyes matched her brown dress and boots… damn, it made me want to rip off her clothes and make sweet love to her on my desk, or the floor, or up against the window. I didn't care. But Jesse—determined to be my number-one cock block—wouldn't have it. Once Jennifer left my office, I could finally breathe. She made me nervous. Something a woman hadn't done in years.

I sat at my desk and arranged my afternoon meetings so that I could leave early. Jennifer constantly drove me crazy and pissed me off with her snarky attitude. No one had ever stood up to me the way she did Friday night. No one had ever slapped the shit out of me either. Her fierceness, sweet smell, and the way her hair fell over her face—I fucking needed her. I didn't care if I'd seen her moments ago and that she just left. Her smell lingered in my office, and it distracted me.

I took Jennifer's file from my desk, glanced at the picture she took the day she agreed to become one of my Girls, and made sure all the documentation was finalized. There could be no loopholes; every signature, date, and initial had to be complete so that Jennifer couldn't be sued. Her being fired was partially my fault after all. I only take partial responsibility because she wanted it too.

No one knew she was no longer a virgin, and I would gladly keep the secret to myself. Only a few days had passed since Friday, the day we made whatever it was we had going on official. Saturday, I carried her to her room and left the house. I couldn't be around her because all I wanted to do was be close and intimate. I wanted to kiss and touch her, but it wasn't possible with all the Girls around. I refused to break my own rules openly, so I went to the office and drafted her release letter. Then I traveled to my house at the Ridges. I knew then that I wanted her there with me, warming my bed, sleeping beside me every night. I wanted to see her beautiful face every morning when I woke. It was then that I made the decision to ask her to move in with me after she signed the release papers. This shit was planned and accomplished.

I pulled the keys from my pocket and made my way to V. The temperature had dropped significantly, and winter had swooped in overnight. My favorite season had finally arrived; I thought the cold would never visit. I unlocked the car and sat in the driver’s seat contemplating going home. Fuck the meetings. I sent an email to April, my secretary, and had them rescheduled. I couldn't focus anyway.

V and I zipped and zoomed down the empty streets. Excitement filled me knowing that Jennifer would be at my house. The last time I felt this way was with Jackie, my first wife. My thoughts temporarily went dark, and I forced them away. Out of all the beautiful souls in the universe, Jackie would want me happy. She would want me with someone that I could potentially spend the rest of my life with. Did I feel good about being with another woman? For the first time since the accident, my answer was yes.

Pressing the garage button, I pulled V in and took a deep breath before stepping out. I adjusted my tie and swallowed. The lights were on in the kitchen, and I saw movement by the sink. Jennifer stood with a glass of wine.

"Hi," I said, trying to push all of my emotions back as I caught sight of her.

"You left work?"

"I'm allowed to do that."

She smiled. "Of course you are."

"Helped yourself to my wine, I see."

She downed what remained and refilled the glass halfway. Then pulled another glass from the cabinet and matched her pour, plus some, and handed it to me. I lifted an eyebrow at her, and she smiled over the rim.

"Are we going to play hard to get all day?" she asked.

I set the wine down on the counter and stalked closer toward her. She set hers down as well, and I pressed my body against hers, forcing her back on the cool counter. Her breath caught as I stood over her. I fucking loved that I could do that.

"What did you have in mind?" I whispered in her ear and trailed my lips across her neck. Her chest rose and fell with each staggering breath, then she tugged my hair and pulled me closer to her mouth. Hungrily, she kissed my lips and undid my tie.

"Hold on. Jesus, I'm not going to let you take me in the kitchen."

"I can't take the willing," she said as she continued to undo each button on my shirt.

God was she right.

I hiked her dress up over waist and caught sight of her bare body. No panties. "You are so fucking naughty," I said.

She removed the dress until she stood completely naked with boots zipped to her knees. My pants still hugged my waist and every inch of me needed her. As she pulled me in, I stopped and pushed away from her.

"I'm not going to fuck you in the kitchen." I grabbed her hand and led her beautiful ass to my bedroom. Once inside, she glanced at the king-size bed and all of the surrounding furniture.

She walked to the picture frames on top of the dresser and picked up the silver frame with a photo from my wedding day. She stared for minutes before speaking. A lump formed in the back of my throat, and I sucked in a deep breath before taking the frame from her hand and gently setting it back on the dresser where it had been for the past seven years. She looked into my eyes with so much pity and pain.

"Don’t pity me."

"I don't. She was beautiful."

My desire to lay Jennifer down on my bed and make sweet love to her instantly disappeared. How stupid was I to leave all of those pictures on the dresser? A part of me regretted not putting my memories of Jackie away, but I had to keep them with me because I was afraid that if I moved the frames I would forget her. Forget the way she looked when she smiled. Forget the freckles that sprinkled across her nose, or the sound of her voice and laugh. Most of the small things that I love had almost vanished with time, but occasionally she would visit me in my dreams and leave me with a piece of her. I had several memories of her locked away in my heart, and they would stay there forever. Although I was ready to move on and be with Jennifer, I wasn't ready to forget Jackie. I would never be ready to forget her.

I zipped my pants and left the room. The pictures combined with the smell of Jennifer and her beautiful naked body became too much. My feelings for both women crossed and intermingled with one another, and I had to walk away.

Having a seat at the barstool in the kitchen, I drank the glass of wine that Jennifer poured. I would have to fight my demons, or I would never be able to fully move on. Fucking emotions.

Three

I really hated being nosey. Why did I grab the picture of his wife on their wedding day? Couldn't I have just let the curiosity consume me later? Much later, like after we had made sweet love to one another? I wanted Finnley so fucking bad that it hurt. But it also hurt to know that he was hurting, and although I said I didn't pity him, a small part of me did. He was a widower at twenty-three. Terrible things like that happened to people, but not often, and usually not at such a young age. Losing both parents had almost destroyed me, and they would never be replaced. A lover, on the other hand, could.

If I were in his situation, I wondered if I would look for someone else, or if I would just stay alone forever. I buried those thoughts, because I didn't know the answer and wouldn't bathe in the negativity that seemed to surround me.

Instead of following Finn, I let him go, even if just for a few minutes. It sucked, but I had learned to leave him alone while at the Estates, and I would do the same here.

While I was in his room, I took my time looking at all the pictures on the dresser. She was beautiful. Dark hair and eyes, with freckles lightly brushed across her nose. Everything about her was perfect. She was genuinely pretty. I could see why Finnley loved her.

I almost imagined her voice, soft and sincere. In one picture, she laughed so hard that I wondered what Finnley had said before he snapped the moment. Pictures of their wedding day and random trips were scattered across the dresser. He looked so young, so in love, and so…. vulnerable. The man that ran The Elite was not the man in these pictures. Something in him had changed.

I sighed and unzipped the boots from my legs.

Still naked, I walked into the kitchen, moved behind Finnley, and massaged his muscular shoulders. Then I slowly kissed up the back and sides of his neck. He swiveled the barstool around, and I moved between his legs. He rested his forehead upon mine and closed his eyes.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"Don’t be."

I brushed my lips against his painting my emotions with kisses, and his intensity grew, almost matching mine.

"You should have just fucked me on the counter," I said.

"No."

Finnley pulled me into his arms and carried me into his room. He set me down on the soft blankets, and I pulled him onto the bed beside me.

"What?" I asked and looked at him incredulously.

"Sometimes you are so damn ridiculous."

I sat up in bed and slapped his stomach. "No, I'm not! Asshole."

"Yes, you are. How did I end up in here again? Wait, it's because you're ridiculous and relentless when you want something."

"Well I can't deny that."

Then he was on top of me, smiling, staring into my eyes and kissing my neck. His lips trailed up and down my body, finishing with my mouth.

"You drive me crazy, you know." His thumb swept across my bottom lip, and I kissed it.

"Make love to me," I said, reaching down to unfasten his pants.

He slid them off along with his underwear, and I felt his hardness outside of me, waiting for me to give him the go-ahead.

"Please," I begged.

"You don't have to beg me. I will give you anything you want. Every piece of me if you want it."

"Good, because I fucking need it," I whispered, and grazed my fingernails down his back.

He entered me slowly, and I gasped with sweet satisfaction.

"You're so wet," he whispered in my ear.

"You do that to me," I said.

Wanting to take in every inch, I urged him deeper and pushed my body into him. His movements were slow, in and out. The whole experience of it all was still new and foreign, and I never wanted to forget the way he felt inside of me, making me feel so damn good.

I moaned with satisfaction as his movements quickened. I was kissing him and coaxing him to lie on his back. He didn't argue with me, even though I really didn't know what the hell I was doing. All I knew was that I needed to be in control. I wanted to rock his world.

He placed his hands behind his head and watched me with a smile as I straddled him, my legs squeezing against his hips. I sucked in a deep breath as I slowly guided him inside me. I gasped and sat perfectly still. Gently, I grazed my hands across his stomach muscles, then bent over and kissed his mouth. With every movement I made, I felt him. I began rocking my hips in small circles as Finnley tugged at my bottom lip with his teeth. His hands guided my every movement, until roaming to my nipples. When he pinched, I moaned.

I grabbed onto the headboard and slid up and down him more frequently with long strides. When his hands found their way to my ass, he squeezed and moved along with me. I reached behind me and interlocked his fingers with mine, forcing his hands above his head as I continued to ride him. Then I leaned back and let his hands guide my hips on top of him. I moaned his name as he hit spots I didn't know existed.

As my orgasm built, Finnley continued to make me feel so fucking good. Each movement became deeper, wilder, and more aggressive. Together we moved with one another in a rhythm that made my head spin, my muscles tighten, and my upper thighs tremble.

"That's it, baby. I can feel you tightening. Come on me. We can come together," he whispered.

I moved more forcefully on him, and he pushed himself deeper into me. After a few more deep thrusts, the orgasm pulsated its way through my body, shifting my world. Then Finn came and filled me with himself; we were buckling with one another, experiencing the ultimate release and satisfaction together. I felt I had been ripped from my body by the overwhelming emotions that coursed through me as I toppled on Finn's chest with him still inside me. Our rapid breathing steadied, and I couldn't focus on anything: not on Finn, or myself, or the fact that I was fucking him in his bed, or that I had agreed to live with him. I had lost myself in pure sexual bliss, and I didn't give a shit that I barely remembered my own name.

A few minutes passed, and I slid off of him. He held me in his arms, and I heard his heart beat slowing to a steady pace. Fucking Finnley Felton fucked with my feelings, now I couldn't get rid of him. And the truth of the matter was, I didn't want to. If someone had told me six months ago that my life would lead to this exact moment, I would have never believed it.

"Oh." I lifted my head and looked into his eyes. He smiled.

"I almost forgot to mention, you owe me $800,000," I said.

"For?"

"For my V-card."

He actually scoffed. I rested my head on his chest, and he wrapped his arms around my body.

That's right, time to pay up, beyatch.

"So I assume you want it in singles? Shall I make it rain?"

"Whatever you want to do."

"On a more serious note, what do you want to do today?"

"You," I said.

He laughed and then we laid in silence for a while.

"I've been meaning to ask you a question for some time now."

"Okay?"

"Why did you strip in my office so willingly? Or agree to sell your virginity? Normal, logical people don't do things like that. You're a smart intelligent woman, and it seems out of character, almost unrealistic in a sense."

"Sometimes a person does something just to do it. I don't understand why that's so hard to understand. I was in a new city. Truth be told, I was tired of fitting in the fucking box. Before I came here, I was predictable prude Jennifer. I didn't want to be the same person I was in Texas. I wanted to be someone different with someone different. Sometimes people take chances for the hell of it. Good enough answer for you?" I purred.

He lifted an eyebrow. "But you already had everything you needed. What did you have to gain?"

"The real question you should be asking me is what did I have to lose?"

No response. I had caught him off guard. I loved that.

"I'm going to take a shower, then I'm taking you shopping. Your winter wear is drab."

"What if I don't want to go shopping?"

"I don’t think you have a choice," he said.

Some things would never change.