Текст книги "Junk Miles"

Автор книги: Лиз Реинхардт

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“Do what?” His black eyes were alive with tiny gold flames, and I knew that his question had more to do with wanting to hear my answer than actually needing to know.

And then I made a proposition to Saxon that I wasn’t sure I could live with. But I honestly felt like I had no choice. Or maybe I honestly felt like it was my only choice.

I grabbed him by the lapels of his jacket and pulled him close to me, the aggressive jerk to his system bringing a surprised smile to his mouth through the cloud of cigarette smoke that curled around his head. “Let’s see what there is between us, if anything. Just you and me, just between us. And if we just go with it, maybe it will relieve some of this tension. Okay?”

“How far are you willing to go?” Saxon asked, the cigarette now dropped and smoking from the cool ground of the roof.

“As far as I want to, but no farther. No cowardice.”

He looked at me and shook his head, not able to process what I proposed. It broke my heart to do it, but I lifted my hand and pulled my posey ring off. I dropped it in my pocket and looked up at him. Images of Jake flashed painfully through my head, but I pushed them back.

“I’m no one’s girl but my own.” I forced the words out, my voice shaky. “Just me. Just Brenna. And I’ll do what I want.”

He reached up and grabbed my shoulders. “You want to kiss me.”

“Are you sure it’s not just your wishful thinking?” I shot back.

Because a kiss was real. That went beyond words or even gestures. A kiss was a kiss, and it couldn’t be taken back.

“Ask yourself,” he threw back. “If you’re not too much of a coward.”

So I pulled him again by the lapels of his coat, and I was satisfied that I shocked him silent this time. I reached my face up and kissed him, my lips firm and hot on his. He was taken aback by it, almost pulled his head back, but I kissed harder, then opened my mouth a little. He relaxed and pressed into me. I balled my hands at his coat and screwed my eyes shut and kissed him hard. He wrapped his arms around me and lifted me up, closer to him, and kissed deeper.

Finally I pulled away, breathing hard.

I had broken everything. I had smashed what I had with Jake.

I felt like throwing up. I felt like punching Saxon in the face. I didn’t feel like kissing him again.

“Was it good for you?” I asked, my voice as nasty as I felt.

“Brenna.” Saxon’s voice was a ragged edge, but he didn’t say anything else.

“So now we’ll do whatever I want whenever I want. Seduce me, Saxon. Do your worst! How long have you been telling me that you wanted me out of your system?” I yelled into the cold air over Paris. “Let’s do it, then! I‘ll get you out of my system, you get me out of yours! And I bet it will be so damn cool and fun!” I was gasping for air.

“Brenna.” He went to put his arms around me again. His voice was calming, and I could see in his eyes that I was freaking him out a little. Good. I was freaking myself out a little.

What had I done?

“Get the hell away from me.” I put both hands on his chest and pushed hard. He stumbled back. “I don’t want to see you. And it has nothing to do with Jake. I fucked that up, didn’t I? Now go! Go!”

Saxon looked like he was thinking about what he should do next. But he couldn’t come up with anything. So he left, looking over his shoulder at me as he went.

I had beat him at his own game. I gripped the railing around the roof hard. I had beat him, and I felt like curling into a ball and putting the covers over my head and just not coming out. What was I supposed to tell Jake? What was I going to do now?

I stuck my head into the wind, leaned over the railing and drew the air deep in and blew it back out. From the pit of my stomach, I screamed loud and long until the poisonous feeling that was pouring through me left, and I felt empty.

If anyone thought it was weird that some random girl was hanging over a railing screaming her head off, no one stopped me or checked on me. Saxon didn’t come back.

Coward!

I felt like I shrank and grew in those few minutes. My heart, at least what my heart was, shriveled a little and hardened. And my ego and anger grew. It grew so much that it even encompassed Jake. I tried to hold onto it as hard as I could, because I knew I would need it that night, when we talked.

If we talked.

I took my camera out and hung over the railing, pointed it down and focused on the street. My own hair got caught in the frame, and I thought that was a good thing. It was a little piece of me falling down farther than was safe. I snapped the picture.

I went back into the museum and found a wild, colorful Fauve painting that was so bright it looked furious. I snapped a picture, not caring if I was supposed to or not.

Mom found me, was worried, and I hugged her hard, breathing in the smell of her perfume on her bright green sweater, but I didn’t explain anything. I ate a sandwich in the cafeteria with her and had an apple after. I took a butter knife from our serving set and plunged it into the fruit, then snapped a picture.

“Bren?” Mom eyed the oozing fruit. “Are you okay? You’ve been a little quiet.”

I felt like I was buzzing, like there was some kind of electrical current running through me, like I was filled with neon.

“Did you ever want something that wasn’t good for you?” I asked forcefully. “Like did you ever want a piece of chocolate cake when you were on a diet?”

“I don’t diet, sweetie.” Mom narrowed her eyes at me. “You are gorgeous. I knew moving back to America was going to be bad for your self-image.”

“It’s not that, Mom,” I assured her. “I’m just saying, did you ever indulge in something you shouldn’t have and then you ruined something else you had that was good?”

She looked at me for a long time. “When you were a little girl,” she began, “you had a really beautiful picture book. Your grandfather gave it to you. It had this really scary story about a witch and two children in it. You loved it.”

“The one where the witch had red eyes and it looked like her hair was a thorn bush?” In my mind’s eye, I could see the image as clear as if it were hanging in front of me on the museum wall.

“That’s the one.” Mom took a sip of her coffee and eyed me a little sadly. “It was your favorite thing in the world. Then you got a set of markers.”

“Uh-oh.” I had a feeling I knew where this was going.

“Yep.” She laughed. “You loved those markers as much as you loved the book. Anyway, I wasn’t paying attention one day and you went a little crazy. I was so upset with you! I felt like you ruined that book, and that was before you could just get online and order a new one. I had never seen that book before, and I’ve never seen it since.”

“Was I upset?” I palmed the pierced, juicing apple in my hand.

“No.” She shook her head. “That was the thing. You loved the book even more. I guess you somehow made it your own. Anyway, not only did you have me read the story the way it was, you had your own story added in. So I would read the page and then you would read me your version.” She leaned her cheek on her hand, her eyes far away. “It was so creative and wonderful. I wound up realizing how artistic it really was, and since you didn’t mind, I didn’t.”

“Do we still have that book?” I wanted to see this amazing mess I made as a kid.

“Probably in a tote in the attic. It’s one of my favorite art pieces from your youth. It was like you were doing early found art.” She preened. “Anyway, I have no idea what’s wrong, but whenever you’ve decided to indulge, you always make something wonderful come out of it.” She took my hand across the table, now slightly sticky from the sweet, oozing apple juice. “Brenna, we women need to learn to stop denying ourselves. Indulge.” She squeezed hard.

“Thanks, Mom.” Though I was pretty sure if she knew the details of my problem, she wouldn’t have been so pro-indulging.

We went back to the museum and looked around some more. I didn’t see Saxon, and I really, really didn’t care. I heard some of the other kids, kids a little older than me, talking about going dancing.

“Are you guys going dancing tonight?” I felt a little weird barging in on their conversation, but dancing sounded perfect.

“We are,” said a pretty red-haired girl with blonde eyebrows. “You’re Professor Blixen’s daughter? Brenna, right? I’m Caroline. This is Lydia and Brian.”

“Nice to meet you.” Lydia had dark, short hair and a sullen look. Brian was a little pudgy with light brown hair and a nice smile.

“Do you want us to come and get you? Is eight okay?” Caroline asked.

“I have to check with my mom, but it should be cool. Thanks.” I did go and check with my mom, and she was overjoyed, of course, so I told them yes.

And then I saw Saxon. He looked at me from across the gallery, where he was surrounded by downlit paintings and blank white wall space. He looked possibly nervous, but also definitely happy to see me. That look on his face made me feel a confusing mix of power and guilt.

“Some kids invited me to go dancing,” I said when I saw him. “Come with me.”

“Are you asking me on a date?” He stuck his hands in his pockets.

“I’m telling you that if you want to do this, you’ll come with me and dance.” I borrowed his usual arrogant tone. “Be at my room at seven thirty.”

I turned on my heel and walked away, and Saxon whistled as I left. That made several guys turn and check me out appreciatively. I didn’t even turn to glare, and I didn’t care if he was disappointed or not.

Soon we were ready to leave, but Mom and I got dropped off a few streets down from our hotel. She wanted to get me something to go dancing in.

“Something sexy.” Her eyes trained on a storefront window too far for any other human’s eyes. “Something like that.”

And there was a shimmery purple dress which I tried on and thought was way too short and low cut. Mom said I was being a prude, and finally managed to convince me to live a little and actually buy the gorgeous, sexy dress. She also talked me into silver heels and big, dangling silver disc earrings.

We ran back to the hotel, giggling over our purchases. Mom went to her room to nap, and I went to my room to untangle the knot I had tied around my love life.

I checked my watch. It was only five thirty Paris time. That meant it was still the middle of the day at home. I needed to call Jake.

My stomach clenched. I felt the buzz in my veins from before, but now the good energy from it felt worn out and I just felt a dull, draining ache, like I had been exposed to something too strong and very toxic.

I dialed the number and when he said my name, I felt a little queasy.

“Jake?” I said dully.

“What’s wrong?” He picked up on my bad vibe immediately.

The silence ticked between us.

“Brenna.” His voice was heavy. “Just tell me.”

“I…” How could I start? What could I say?

“That bad, huh?” I could hear his voice strain. “You can tell me.” He sounded so resigned.

“I kissed Saxon,” I said robotically.

He swallowed hard. I could actually hear it over the phone line. “Did he pressure you?”

I felt a little offended, inexplicably. “ Ikissed Saxon,” I repeated.

“Do you, um, have feelings for him?” I could hear the happiness drain from his voice.

“No.” I pressed my hand to my temples. “Some. Feelings. But not the way he thought. Not the way I thought. I feel…I feel like I messed some things up. And I feel like I had to. Does this make sense?”

“Well, you’re talking to the king of messing shit up, Bren.” Jake sounded hollowed out. “We had a decent run, right?”

“Jake, don’t…”

“Don’t what? I’m not the one sticking my tongue down someone else’s throat.” His voice sounded strangely barbed. Not strangely considering the situation. Just strangely considering that Jake had always been so gentle with me. “It’s a little bit of a shock, but I always did feel like you were out of my league.”

My face was already wet with tears. I sniffled and felt pathetic for doing it. “That’s not it. I felt something for him when we first met, and it’s never gone away. I don’t know what it is, but I feel like I needed to know before you and I…”

“There is no more you and I,” Jake cut in coldly. I felt like I was drowning, I felt like I couldn’t breathe, and I felt like it was all my fault and there was nothing I could do to stop it or put it back the way it was.“Do you seriously expect me to wait here for you while you screw Saxon?”

I was desperate to explain, but every way I turned the words, they still sounded shallow and terrible. I was still breaking the heart of the only guy I’d ever loved. And I was a little defensive when I realized Jake thought I’d jump into bed with someone so casually. “I’m not screwing anyone. You don’t have to have sex with every person you’re mildly interested in, Jake.”

“Okay.” His voice sliced across the line. “Just have a little respect for me when I tell you that I’m not at all cool with your little experiment.”

“I understand that.” Tears slid down my face, and if I could have shaken myself by my own shoulders I would have. What had I done? And why had I done it?

“I guess I’ll be going.” The voice on the other end of the phone might have been coming from Jake’s mouth, but it wasn’t Jake. My Jake was dead and gone in a split second, so fast I didn’t even have time to catch one last sweet word to hold onto.

“Um, okay?” I took his ring out of my pocket and put it on the scratched desk in front of me. I felt like my heart was cracking into pieces in my chest. “I just want you to know that I love you. I still do. I have to do this for myself, but I love you.”

“I hope you’re happy with this, Brenna.” His voice was warmer than I would have expected. “Wow. Today was going really well until this. Whatever. Take care of yourself. I guess I’ll see you around.”

“Jake…” I said, but there was nothing left to say. I was just afraid to hear the click of our final disconnection. It was all spiraling out of control way too fast. I wanted to stop time, rewind, fix this, solve this, but it was too late! I was left in the ruins without knowing for sure how completely I’d made it all tumble down.

“Good bye, Brenna,” he said quietly.

And he clicked off.

Chapter Seven

I lay on the bed and shook, sobbing into my pillow. What had I expected? Jake had been surprisingly cool and calm about the whole thing. I had been unfair to him. I hadn’t given him any warning, hadn’t told him enough, and hadn’t been as honest as I should have been. I shouldn’t have done this over the phone. I should have had the respect to tell him what I felt to his face.

What did I hope to gain from this? Did I really think Saxon and I would be boyfriend and girlfriend? Did I even want that? What would happen in a week when I was back home, sitting across from Jake for half the day every day? I knew from the sick clamp in my gut that I had made a huge mistake, one that I couldn’t come back from. I had screwed up with Jake, and he wasn’t going to be understanding.

I thought about the book from my childhood, the evil witch and those scary red eyes. What had I written in my baby scrawl? How had I changed the story? In my babyhood I had understood all of my intentions and changes, but if I looked at it now, what would it be? Just a big mess, I was sure.

Jake and Saxon weren’t a book and a pack of markers. This wasn’t going to end well. I wanted to stay in my bed and let the gaping hole in my chest close up. But I had started this whole thing rolling, and I had to see it out.

I fished in my bag and found the curling iron I packed. Forty minutes later I had on way too much makeup, my hair was big and sexy and my dress was gorgeous and too tight and short. I lay on my bed and rolled Jake’s ring between my fingers.

He wasn’t mine anymore.

He wasn’t thinking of me.

He didn’t care about me.

We were done.

It felt too final. My throat felt clawed at, raw and painful. Dozens of images of me and Jake went through my head, so much loving good. But I knew that behind every good time, there was my feeling that maybe this wasn’t it. Maybe he wasn’t the one. There was the sneaky nagging reminder that my heart leapt when I saw Saxon. And I wanted to know why that happened.

So now I was free to know why. Had I expected it to be pleasant? It hurt. How else could it have worked?

Before I knew it, there was a knock on my door.

I opened it and Saxon was there, wearing a gray button down with the sleeves cuffed to his elbows and dark jeans. He looked really sexy. He smelled really sexy. But my heart wasn’t into it.

“Have you been crying?” He ducked his head to study my face and, I’m sure, my red-rimmed eyes.

“No. Come in.” I wiped at my eyes with the back of my hand.

My room was right next to my mother’s, and if it had been any other day, I would have never invited Saxon in. But it wasn’t any other day, and not only did I pull him into the room, I pulled him directly over to the bed. I sat down on it, and he sat next to me. I put my mouth on his. He tasted good, the way I remembered him tasting. He kissed me back, pulled me to him, but after a few seconds, he pulled away.

“Brenna, what’s wrong?” He cupped my cheek with his hand and rubbed his thumb along my cheekbone.

“I told Jake.” My voice was watery. It was such a relief to talk about it with someone else.

“And?” He held my hand gently.

“We broke up.” My voice shook hard.

“Are you sure?” Saxon looked a little like he was laughing at me.

“Yes!” I hated his condescending chuckles. “Why are you asking like that?”

Saxon shook his head and grinned. “Brenna, I don’t think you understand how…crazy Jake’s past is. Do you plan to sleep with me?”

“No,” I said flatly. I was in no position to even think about that. I knew for sure that no matter how much I was attracted to Saxon, what I felt for him wasn’t love, at least not yet. And that was my only real prerequisite for sex.

“Jake might be pissed. But he hates me, and he’s going to blame this on me, not you. When this is all over, if you want to kick me to the curb and take Jake back, you’ll be able to convince him.” He rubbed his hands up and down my arms.

“How could you say that?” I demanded, my voice high and warbly.

“Because I’ve known Jake his whole life. And I know how he feels about you. I don’t want to build a case for him, but he’s completely crazy about you. And you don’t understand the power you have over guys.” He looked me up and down. “I can’t believe you look the way you do, and I’m sitting here holding your hand while you cry to me about Jake Kelly.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I pulled my hand away.

He caught it again and brought it up to his lips. “Don’t, Brenna.” He kissed my palm softly. “I know you’re sad about Jake. But trust me, it isn’t over if you don’t want it to be. Can I ask, now that you’ve gone this far anyway, if you’ll at least consider taking me seriously? Forget all of our past bullshit, okay? I’ve got less than a handful of days to convince you that I’m not a complete douche bag, and I want a fair shot. Give it to me.”

His eyes had so much gold in them they looked almost brown. He looked so handsome, so sincere, that this time when I kissed him, I really felt it and really meant it. He pressed me to him, kissed me lightly on my jaw and my ears.

He whispered things to me that made me feel shaky. That I was beautiful. That he thought about me all the time. That he loved the way I smelled. That he had never felt happier than he did now.

And since I was already in deep, I let myself get lost in his words. I wound my arms around his neck and opened my mouth and filled myself with the smoky, dangerous taste of Saxon. Before I knew it, he had me back on the bed and was trying to move the straps on my dress down. I could see that crazy, fevered look in his eyes, but I stopped him.

“Enough.” It was crazy how different this was from what I had with Jake. With him, I was always the one pressing for more, but I was too muddled and Saxon was too eager. It wasn’t comfortable for me.

Saxon backed off, his hands up in the air in an ‘innocent’ gesture. Just then there was a knock at the door.

Caroline was there in a slinky black dress. Lydia scowled in tight jeans and a red halter and Brian looked less dorky in a plain button down with some gel in his hair.

“Hey, Brenna.” Caroline eyed my dress with one blonde eyebrow high. She smiled appreciatively at Saxon. “Hey Saxon.”

“Caroline.” He nodded.

Something flashed between them, and once again I felt like the idiot innocent in the middle. Saxon’s past was just as shady as Jake’s, but Saxon didn’t have any of the regrets Jake had, at least on the surface.

Caroline introduced everyone, then the parents came out to take our pictures and warn us to be careful. Mom looked worried, but happy. Me going out with a group of ‘good’ kids in Paris was basically worry free for her, even if I was dressed like a young hooker and we were going to a large, popular dance club.

“Be good.” She took my hand and twirled me, then kissed me.

And we were off, released into the cold air of Paris, jostling and laughing. Saxon took my hand without asking, and we walked slightly behind the others.

“Do you know Caroline?” I tried not to be jealous. I had no right, of course. Despite the catastrophe of this evening, I still considered myself connected most strongly to Jake.

“She and I made out when we were in middle school. One of these trips, but it was England.” He shook my hand back and forth. “There’s nothing for you to worry about.”

“I’m not worried.” My hand was limp in his. “At all.”

“Really? Cause you seem a little huffy, Blix.” My heel got caught on a loose cobblestone, and he caught me under the elbow when I tottered.

I got my balance, pulled my arm away from him. He grabbed my hand. “Look, I know you have a man-whore history, so I won’t even be shocked if you’ve pawed every girl we meet for the next two weeks.”

“What’s with you anyway, Bren? You’ve got some bad taste in guys.” He dropped my hand and threw his arm around my shoulders. “Jake Kelly and now me. Two of the worst, Blix. What’s wrong with a nice straightedge from one of your AP classes?”

“You are in my AP classes,” I pointed out.

What was strangest about this whole night was that once Saxon and I decided to go beyond just friends, he became friendlier than he’d ever been to me. And now that I was preoccupied thinking about Jake and what he was doing and thinking, I had no interest in trying to outthink Saxon. It was liberating, in a way.

By the time we got to the club, I was ready to stop thinking. The music was way too loud and it was all French, which was actually great. I didn’t want to hear anything that would remind me of home.

Saxon checked our coats and went to the bar. I don’t know how he got them, but he managed to get two shots.

“Here, Blix.” He held the glass out to me. “It’s not going to get you plastered or anything. Bottoms up?”

I took the tiny glass and we clinked together. I felt bonded to him, the way doing anything secretly bad makes you an instant accomplice. I threw the liquor down my throat in one fiery liquid ball that was no worse than Listerine. Saxon grinned and led me to the edge of the dancers. The others in our group were already on the dance floor, but Saxon was clearly not interested in hunting them down.

The music was infectious, and that one shot coursed through my untried system with a lot of strength. I felt good moving, and my muscles relaxed as I sank into the music. Saxon wound up being as great a dancer as his sexiness promised. He was attentive and funny and when he moved, I didn’t want to take my eyes off of him.

We danced to show off at first, throwing in a crazy move here and there, making each other laugh, and it was the laughter that closed the gap between us. Soon, we were dancing closer, and Saxon would reach out to touch my waist or I would balance myself with a hand on his shoulder. The music got louder and more intense and we laughed harder. Soon Saxon’s hand didn’t move from my waist and then both of his hands were on me. Then we were dancing so close our hips ground together, and I had a flashback to our Dirty Dancinggroup date a few months back, when his finger on my ankle had irritated me.

Suddenly that perfect day rushed back, and Jake rushed back with it. I realized that I still had the picture of him from the movie theater on my cell phone, and I wanted to see it. Maybe it was just torturing myself, but I needed to see Jake again, however I could. I told Saxon I had to go to the bathroom. He watched me head out. I had stuffed my cell phone in the cup of my bra so that I would have it on hand no matter what.

After dancing for such a long time, my phone was sweat-covered and hot, but it worked fine. The bathroom was incredibly quiet, cool and white tiled. There were a few girls in the stalls, two of them throwing up loudly, but I just ignored them and closed myself into my own tiny space. I slid the phone on and went through my picture menu. There was the image of Jake, his great smile and chipped tooth and sexy gray eyes. I felt a rush of remorse. What was I doing? How had things changed so quickly?

But there was also the feeling that I had been hurtling towards this since the day I met Saxon, a full half day before Jake. I chalked it up to bad fate that I had to meet the two of them at once. But it was my fate, and I had to follow it as I saw fit.

I came out of the stall and wiped some of my runny mascara from under my eyes. I didn’t feel like going back out, but I knew I would. A text appeared on my phone suddenly, and I felt a thrill, thinking it might be Jake.

It was Saxon.

Outside,it said.

I left the bathroom and headed out in my skimpy dress. Saxon was outside, my coat over his arm, a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. He held my coat open, and I slid my arms in appreciatively.

“You done dancing?” He ran a hand down my arm.

I nodded, then made a face at his cigarette.

“You ever try one?” He took the smoldering stick out of his mouth and held it out to me.

I shook my head.

“You broke up with your perfect boyfriend, made out with the biggest asshole you know, drank a shot, dressed like a slut, dirty danced, and now you’re going to turn your nose up at one little cigarette? You’re going to get enough damn second hand smoke hanging out with me anyway. Why not give up and smoke one?”

I clutched my coat closed. “You think I look like a slut?”

“The finest, classiest slut I’ve ever seen.” He held me at arms’ length and his eyes dropped to my feet. “With the sexiest shoes. Man, those are fuck-me shoes.”

“That is not the message I’m trying to send with them.” I turned my heel and looked at my shoe from the side. Saxon shrugged and held the cigarette out again.

I laughed a little, then took the cigarette from his hand and eyed it quizzically. I held it the way he held his, low between his index and middle fingers, pulled a drag into my lungs, felt it burn and blew it back out.

Saxon cracked up. “You need to hold it higher up. That low look only works for guys, okay?”

I adjusted it so it was higher between my fingers and took another drag, pulled the smoke in smoothly and blew it back out. “Nah. Not for me. I realize why you do it now.”

“Why’s that?” He took it back and pulled another a deep drag.

“Because of how it feels. And looks. It really is just a prop.” He started to walk, and I walked with him.

“You’re implying that I’m insecure?” Smoke clouded around his face.

“Oh, I’m not implying. I’m coming out and saying that you’re insecure. The cigarette is just a cool toy. That will kill you and makes you stink.” We listened to the sound of his footsteps and the click of my heels as he contemplated my words.

He studied the cigarette. “It might have started as a lame security blanket. But I get edgy if I don’t have one now.”

I raised my eyebrows at him. “Obviously, Saxon. They’re addictive.”

He smiled at me and switched gears so quickly and uncharacteristically, it made my head spin. “I like it when you say my name.” His voice was sweet and sexy twined together. He took my hand, and I let him.

“How come?”

“Cause it makes me feel like you’re my girl instead of some random hot girl I’m lusting after. When you use my name, I feel like you might really want to be talking to me because I’m the one person you want to be around most.” His smile was so adorable, it made my heart seize up.

“Do you want that?” I looked into his eyes, now so warmly gold they were practically glowing. “You want us to be together? Like, beyond this trip?”

“Yeah.” He stepped closer to me. “That’s the goal.”

“And you plan to just date me? If we got together?” My hands shook.

“Yeah.” He ran the back of his fingers along my cheek and I closed my eyes. “I never really had this urge before. To be with one girl. I feel like I wouldn’t get tired of you.”

And I instantly felt a rush of nervousness. Like what if I couldn’t keep Saxon entertained? How many boring nights before he turned his attention somewhere else? Would he pay attention when I was upset? Could it ever work?

We walked until we were back in front of the dorms.

“Do you want to just chill for a little while?” Saxon asked.

“Sure.” I nodded to the cozy group of chairs grouped in the warm little antechamber. “Do you want to sit in the lobby?”

“My room is at the end of the hall,” he suggested, his voice low.

I thought about it for a minute. “Okay,” I said, my voice expressing so much more certainty than I actually felt. I followed him down the hall, and he opened the door and led me in.

His room was exactly the same as mine, but it was smoky, dark clothes were thrown all over along with his packs of cigarettes and lighters, his iPod and laptop, his racing magazine and a copy of Brave New Worldby Aldous Huxley. I walked over and picked it up, then sat on his bed and kicked my heels off. I flipped through the pages.

“What are you reading this for?” I flipped it to the cover and held it up for him to see.

“Junior Honors. Dystopia unit. Ever read it?” He emptied his pockets, tossing his cellphone, lighter, cigarettes, and change on the desktop.

I nodded. “I love it.”

“Yeah, me too.” He took off his button down. He was wearing a tight black a-shirt underneath. I realized that he had a tattoo on each shoulder. They were some kind of matching, snaking dragons. He sat on the desk, his booted feet on the chair, popped the window open and lit another cigarette. “It’s kind of sick, but I love the world they live in. The one we’re supposed to hate.”