Текст книги "Junk Miles"
Автор книги: Лиз Реинхардт
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Текущая страница: 13 (всего у книги 20 страниц)
“Whatever she did to Jake, I hope she rots for it.” Nikki gave the mirror a glare so gorgeously malicious, I was positive she could see me through the stall door and was just waiting for me to come out so she could rip out chunks of my hair and tear the earrings out of my lobes. The hair on my neck stood up, but the look left her face when she popped her lips and checked her cell phone. “C’mon, K, we need to get back to lunch so I can see Jake before class.”
I didn’t breathe until the door shut again, and then the breath rode on the back of a sob. I could pretend that Nikki was an evil bitch all I wanted, but I’d be dead wrong. When I crept out of the stall and looked at myself in the mirror, it was impossible for me to meet my own eyes in my reflection. Nikki slid in where she saw an opportunity. That opportunity would have never existed if I hadn’t been such a life-wrecker.
The bell rang, and I ducked back into the stall to wipe my eyes off in peace while the bathroom clogged with more girls applying cosmetics, elbowing for mirror room, and chatting at ear-splitting decibels about school, life, love.
By the time I’d waited for the last girl to clear out, I was a minute or two late to class, but Mr. Giles waved me to my seat with an understanding nod when I murmured something vague about my time of the month.
I sat across from Jake and kept my eyes glued on my paper. He did, too. When the bell rang I packed up slowly and he rushed into the hall, away from me. It was our new pattern. I exited the classroom and tried hard to ignore Nikki’s giggles and squeals, knowing she got louder when I was around in an attempt to lay total claim to her territory.
“She should just piss on his leg,” I muttered under my breath to myself. Unlike at Frankford, I didn’t have many friends other than Jake at VoTech, and it made my walk through the halls long and lonely.
During our last period Matt, the big guy I’d borrowed many things from solely to drive Jake crazy, turned to me and said, “Hey, I bet you’re going to the Folly concert tonight at The Grange, right? Don’t you design all their shirts?”
Jake looked up at us and glowered.
“I do make their shirts. And yeah, I am. Going. Are you?”
“Sure am.” He leaned his chair back and almost tipped it. He flushed when he let all four legs drop, and Jake smiled meanly.
I glared at Jake. “I think it will be really fun. So I guess I’ll see you there?”
“Brenna!” Our teacher, Ms. Flynn, waved me to the front of the room.
The boys looked down sheepishly as I went up to the teacher’s desk, ready for a lecture about keeping on task.
“I love this design,” she said, pointing to my project specs on her desk, not even mentioning my chattiness. “Your project is amazing, but the shading is off. I’d like to enter this in the county wide Young Business Leaders Design Competition. Jake Kelly seems to have the best handle on the program. Have him take a look and show you how to clean up the shading. And can you ask Matt to come up and bring his portfolio? Thank you.”
Before I could protest or make up some stupid excuse, she was looking back at her grade book intently. I went back to my seat and delivered my message to Matt. He left, and I cleared my throat.
“Um, so, Ms. Flynn said my shading is off on my project.”
Jake stared at me, his mouth a hard line. “Okay?”
This was so completely wrong. This whole scenario was all wrong.
I bit the inside of my cheek hard to keep from breaking down like a huge toddler. “She said you get the program. She wanted me to ask you to help me.”
“Oh.” Jake put both hands behind his neck and took a long breath in, then released it in a whoosh. “Of course. Um, pull your chair over.”
I pulled it over, very careful to avoid his chair, his portfolio, his leg, his arm, him.
Jake opened the program, and I was still functioning on high alert. But, weird as we were together, I loved my work in class, and soon I couldn’t worry about not bumping his arm or touching his hand, because I had needed his help on this project for a week, but hadn’t had the guts to ask him. Now that he was explaining it, I was excited to make everything that had to do with my design better. If the entire world was screwed up and it was all my fault, the least I could do was rock my project and work out every single kink on paper.
By the time he’d run me through it three times, I felt like I could do it better, and I nudged him out of the way and applied all he taught me with some variations.
“Perfect.” He turned his head to me, and the smile on his face was the sun stippling through the trees in the summer, your favorite song blaring on the radio with the windows down, the warm crush of someone you love holding you in his arms…perfect.
And then it disappeared and the temporary reprieve from all the insanity was over. The memories of all that had happened in the last few weeks bulldozed over us, and Jake’s relaxed posture stiffened visibly.
“Thanks. For your help.” The period was almost over, so I closed out of the program, once again careful not to touch him at all.
“So, you’re going to the Folly concert tonight?” He arranged his books in an overly neat stack.
“Yeah. Are you going?” I had to lean across him a little to switch off the monitor, and I could smell the cold, crisp smell that always reminded me of leaves falling off the trees in autumn. How does someone smell like a season?
“I planned on stopping in after work.” His gray eyes cut over to me. “I guess you’ll be getting a ride from Saxon?”
“I guess you’ll be giving a ride to Nikki?” I shot back.
“Nik drives herself.” His voice was hollow.
Of all the crazy things I’d seen and heard and thought, for some reason that one cut me deep, just this idea of him with an independent, older girl. The idea of him with someone who could do things I couldn’t, driving being the least of it. It made no sense, I had no right, but that didn’t stop me from feeling it.
I took a big, shuddery breath, tears so close I could taste them in the back of my nose and throat. Jake’s eyes went from cold-shale-in-the-winter gray to oldest-softest-Henley gray, and, just when I was sure I’d ooze into a liquid puddle of sadness on the floor, the bell I’d waited for all day screamed like a miracle.
This time I broke pattern; I grabbed my things and ran, promising myself the longest, gulpingest, most horrifically sobful cryfest as soon as I got home and stepped into the shower. I just had to hold it together for a half an hour, tops. No problem.
I was already down the long hallway and could see the dim winter light through the dirty window squares in the metal door that I was inches away from exploding through, when I felt a warm hand on my shoulder.
“Brenna?”
The brakes locked and squealed on all the thoughts rushing through my head, and only one thing propelled full force through the windshield of my sanity.
Jake Kelly.
I held my eyebrows high on my forehead and puckered my mouth as small as I could to keep the tears at bay.
“You left your sketchbook.” He backed up and held out my black book, his arms stretched to maintain maximum distance between our bodies.
I held my arms out and grabbed the book on two corners so that not even one finger from one of our hands would brush into one finger of the other’s hand.
“I’m sorry…” he said.
“Thank you,” I said at the same time, then we both tangled and clumsily bumped words for another minute until he finally said, “Be quiet, Bren.”
I clapped my jaw shut.
“You ripped me up.” There was no malice or accusation in his words, and that made it feel like I had swallowed a bear trap. It was just us in the hall with his words stacked between us, naked strong. “I’m probably still not really over you and everything that happened. But I’ve been doing things, saying things that I hoped would hurt you, and that’s dick. That’s a sad-sack excuse for the way I acted, though. You’ll always be someone I care about and admire. So, I’m sorry. If I hurt you, if I made you upset, I’m honestly sorry, Brenna.”
Wait! This was my speech, sucked from under me and pouring out from Jake’s mouth so beautifully, it made my knees buckle.
There was suddenly nothing to say that he hadn’t already said better.
“I’m sorry,” I tried weakly, embarrassed as soon as I said the woefully inadequate words.
He nodded, already walking backwards, his hands in his pockets, his hat so low over his eyes, I didn’t know if he could see me. He had delivered his message, and there was nothing left to say. He turned on his heel and left me, an inch away from the doors that I didn’t blow through fast enough to avoid the bomb he dropped on me.
I walked outside in a daze, and Saxon was waiting. He put his arm around me and pulled me close.
“You look like hell. Tonight is officially cancelled.” He led me to the car.
I molded my body to the leather seat and prepared to let the tears fall, but there wasn’t even the prickly promise of a sobfest. I felt lighter, freer.
“I want to go,” I announced, feeling sure, strong, and hopeful. Scarily, newly hopeful. “If you don’t want to pick me up, tell me, and I’ll find another ride.”
“If you’re dead set on being an idiot, let me at least have the privilege of driving your Royal Craziness.” He flicked the car stereo on, and we listened to the Celtic girl wail and plead in her faraway voice.
He dropped me off, and I told him I’d text if my mother said no, otherwise he could pick me up at seven. Mom wasn’t even home; I had to text her, and she gave quick permission with a warning to be careful and an encouragement to have fun. I took a long, hot shower, but there were no tears to puff up my eyes or make my throat hoarse. There was only the curious echo of Jake’s words.
I spent a long time getting ready, and since getting ready didn’t take all that long, it meant that I had extra time to put on extra makeup and change into cuter outfits, each tighter and more daring than the last. By the time Saxon knocked on my door I was in a tight, black, short skirt, a black and red Folly shirt, black boots and makeup that was smoky/sexy/dark/alluring when I’d really only aimed to be cute/pretty/made-up/sweet.
“Holy shit.” Saxon took my hand and spun me, then glanced at the empty house. “Seriously, let’s hit your bedroom. Now.”
I laughed, feeling powerful with all my eyeliner and mascara on. “No! We’re going on a date.”’
He was wearing a tight black t-shirt and dark jeans with black boots. Simple, understated, and sexy as hell. I could smell the sharp cling of his aftershave and that amazing undersmell that was spicy, male, and all Saxon.
I went to the closet to grab my coat and he came too close behind me. When I spun around, I was in his arms.
“I don’t want to go out,” he said, his mouth at my throat. I backed away. “Don’t. You smell so good. You look so freaking good. Be with me tonight.” When Saxon pleaded my entire body yanked and pulled towards him like an eager puppy on a leash.
“No.” I stepped away from him. “We’re going out.”
He blocked my path to the front door and escape. “You don’t want to be here with me alone.” His dark eyes went all black, and his words were just bare facts laid out uncomfortably in front of both of us.
“I want to go out.” I put a hand on his chest, and he took my fingers and squeezed them over his steadily beating heart. “With you, Saxon.”
He closed his eyes and leaned his forehead on mine. “You want to go out with me. You don’t want to bewith me.” His voice was sandpaper on metal.
“I want to be with you, but I want to go out. With you.” I squeezed his hand, but he squeezed back so tight and so hard it startled me.
His eyes were clear and black as pitch, deep, hot, molten black. “Don’t talk circles around me, Blix.” He set his mouth in a tight line. “You like me too much to tell me the truth, don’t you? Oh my fucking god, I’ve moved into the damn friend zone.”
“What are you talking about?” I squeaked, because he was saying things that I knew were true but wasn’t ready to face yet.
He shook his head and tossed his inky hair out of his eyes. The look on his face was a mix of stricken sadness and idiotic amusement. “Nothing.” He cupped a hand under my chin and kissed me on the lips, full and soft and punctuated with the slightest moan. “Let’s get this over with, right?”
Before I could say anything, he yanked my hand, pulling me towards his car in the chilly light.
Chapter Fifteen
Saxon cranked the stereo and grunted at every attempt at conversation I made. By the time we got to the adorable little stone-fronted sushi restaurant, I’d come to the sinking realization that I wasn’t going to be able to enjoy my raw fish.
Saxon wound around the front of the car and opened my door, marched up the steps next to me, grabbed the door to the restaurant and swung it open for me, ducking to avoid the tinkling silver tubes of the windchime that hung too low in the doorway. He strode to the hostess stand, leaned close and spoke low to the girl with the stack of menus, and whatever he said made her giggle and blush. We were led to a cozy corner table in the low-lit, paper-screened side room, but I couldn’t enjoy the quiet elegance. Saxon crossed his arms and scowled at me, but smiled sweetly at the waitress, and ordered tons of the most expensive foods on the menu. He cracked the chopsticks apart and grabbed all the pieces he wanted without asking me if I cared. Not that it was a huge deal, but he ate all the unagi rolls, which were my favorite. He also hogged the wasabi.
“Is something wrong?” I watched him wolf down the food and never make eye contact with me.
“Nope.” He took a long gulp out of his water glass and made a face like he’d chugged rotten milk. “Maybe.” He folded his hands on the shiny dark wood table and leaned towards me. He waited for me to lean towards him and said, “I’d kill someone for a bottle of sake. I don’t think the waitress will serve me, though.” He leaned back and smirked. “Not with you here, anyway.”
“What are you talking about?” I snapped back in my chair and shook my head. “I don’t look thatyoung, and you definitely don’t look twenty-one, so forget that.”
“I didn’t think she’d serve me because I look twenty-one.” He ran a hand through his black hair, and when he flashed me a smile, it was the wolfish one I hadn’t seen in a while. “I have other ways of convincing girls to give me what I want.” His mouth was watering as he anticipated whatever my face might give away; shock, hurt, unhappiness maybe? Knowing exactly what he was thinking, I kept my slack-jawed, narrow-eyed, trembling-chinned facial tics under control and offered him a blank stare. His lips went sulky, but then he leaned over and added, “Well, some girls. Not the cock teases. Youknow what I mean. Right, Blix?”
There were a hundred barbed, nasty things I could say to him, but it was a waste of breath. I stood up and dropped my share for dinner on the table. “I need to use the bathroom. I’ll wait in the lobby for you.”
The side of his mouth twitched, and he scooped the money up and shoved it back at me. “This is a date. I don’t want your money.”
I grabbed the bills, smoothed them out and slammed them back on the table. “You call this a date? This is a mess, and I insiston paying my share.”
“You’re taking responsibilities for your messes now? Refreshing.” He cocked an eyebrow at me.
“Is there something you want to say to me, Saxon? Because if there is, just say it.” I could hear the dare snapping in my voice.
He stood up so fast he almost knocked his chair onto the floor. “I will, then.” He rushed at me and jabbed his index finger against my breastplate. “I made a fool out of myself over you for weeks, and shame the fuck on me, because you were never into this, were you? Were you?”
All the air sucked out of my lungs and left me tight and twisted in front of him. “I’m sorry,” I stuttered. His face was so close to mine, I could see his pupils, deeper black than the midnight of his irises. “I’ve been so screwed up, Saxon. I haven’t been fair to you. Or myself. Or anyone.” I couldn’t bring myself to utter Jake’s name, even though he was the one I screwed over the worst. “I was so stupid. I just wasn’t sure about so much, so much was confusing…”
“I get it,” he bit out, sifting his words through his teeth. He tightened his hands on the back of the chair and shook it on its legs with a frustrated groan. “So I was just someone to waste time with for you, too? Don’t look all stricken. I’ve been that for other girls before. I just didn’t expect it from you. That’s all.”
“That’s not true! You’re so important to me. How could you think you’re not? That’s the reason why this has been so insane!” I put my hand on his forearm and he snatched it back like he’d been burned. “The fact that I care about you is what started this all!”
“Important to you?” he sneered, brushing past me. “Important for what? A ride now and then? Someone to run over and check on you when Jake wasn’t paying you any attention?” He was about to walk away from me.
The room felt like it was tilting wildly. “That’s not what you are to me.” I reached out and grabbed onto the side of the table. “Saxon, listen to me. You mean so much to me. Believe me when I tell you that. Please, believe me.”
He whirled around. “Believe you? Why? Because you’ve been so honest up to now? If you want me to believe I mean so much to you, why don’t you prove it?” His lips curled back and he bared his teeth at me.
“How?” I reached out for him a second time, and he grabbed my hand hard.
“Come back to my place. Be with me. Just me. Just us.” His eyes were dark and wild, and I could see that he knew exactly what he was asking me.
My heart hammered hard in my chest, and part of me wondered what it would be like. I knew I could trust him. I knew he’d care about me enough to make it special. I also knew in the pit of my heart that it would be a huge mistake, and one that would be impossible to take back. I knew my own heart, and I told him the honest truth.
“I can’t do that, Saxon. Not with you, not with anyone.” My knees shook so hard, I swear they knocked together.
“Why not? Because of him? You never wanted me, did you?” he snarled, his hold on my wrist tightening from rough grab to full, blood-stopping tourniquet.
First I felt a white-hot blast of fury, and I knew that if I opened my mouth, I would spew acid words right into his arrogant face. But two deep breaths and the desperate bite of his hand on my wrist dissolved the jagged edges of my anger and melted it into something softer. Something sadder.
In the middle of this pretty paper room, under the low glow of the creamy lamps, I could see that Saxon was fueled by a twisted kind of love. I put my hand on his, on the hand that had bound itself so fiercely round my wrist, and loosened his fingers one by one.
“That’s not how it works. That’s not good enough for either one of us.” My voice stayed soft but firm. We squared off, our eyes locked.
“Coward,” he accused, his voice raw as gravel on new skin.
“Not at all.” I raised a hand to his cheek, but he shied away from my touch. “I’d be a coward if I slept with you to try to get an answer or make things easier. I won’t do that for either one of our sakes.” I took the bills off the table and folded them into my pocket. “You pay. I’m sorry I bitched about our date. It was really sweet of you to take me out.”
“Brenna.”
No one ever said my name like that before; like a plea, like the endnote of an argument, like it was the most hopeless, sorriest of all the words there were to say.
“I careabout you. I do. But some things are mine to give, and could never, ever be yours or anyone else’s to demand. And it will never be up for discussion. Does that make sense?” This time, when I reached for his face, he didn’t back away. He closed his black eyes and his eyelashes tangled together. He nuzzled his jaw against my hand.
When he finally spoke, he seemed calmer. Or maybe defeated.“You think too much, you know that? Brainiac.” He brought my palm to his lips and kissed it, then tucked a strand of hair behind my ear like it was his to move. I didn’t even attempt to stop him. “Go to the bathroom. Or whatever. Let me take care of the bill and see if I can get the waitress’s number. Maybe she can steal me some sake for later.” He tried to waggle his eyebrows with sexy bravado, but I didn’t miss the bleak look that shaded his eyes. I did ignore it, and his face communicated his thanks for that.
I stared at my reflection in the bathroom mirror, too pale and with purple circles under my bloodshot eyes. I wasn’t completely happy with what I saw, but at least I could look myself in the eyes again.
Saxon waited in the lobby, hands in his coat pocket, toothpick dangling out of the side of his mouth. He made a move to take his hands out of his pockets, then reconsidered and left them in. He nodded at me. “C’mon. We have a concert to get to.”
“Saxon?” I took a few steps towards him and he took an equal amount of steps back, maintaining an exact distance between us. “We could see the zombies. If you wanted. I don’t mind.”
He smiled the unhappiest smile I’d ever seen. “Don’t you ever get tired of being all mature and level-headed? You make the rest of us look like even bigger fuck-ups in comparison.”
“Mature? Level-headed?” I held my hands up. “What are you talking about? I made the biggest mess. Ever! And…I know I hurt you.”
The smile got wider and infinitesimally sadder. “Don’t give yourself so much credit. Plus that, I don’t want your pity date to ruin the zombie awesomeness. Another time, another girl who doesn’t mind brain decimation.”
“Another girl?” I felt relieved and disappointed at the same time.
“You didn’t think you’d be the last, did you?” He took two steps towards me and bumped the toe of his boot to the toe of mine. “Come on. Now! Party time. Let’s go.” He held his elbow out to me, and I linked my arm through it. His smile was smaller, but it had a tiny sprinkle of happiness. Or, at least, not as much sadness.
Everything had gone completely wrong, but somehow it had snapped back into the strange, unspoken, uneasy place that we had been at back on the first day we met, and I was happy to be there again.
By the time we pulled up at The Grange, cars had already choked the gravel driveway and people poured out and milled around the doors and in the rickety wooden building. The back of Saxon’s hand brushed mine, but he pulled it away without a glance in my direction and waved back at a few girls from the soccer team who called him over. For a second he looked torn.
“Go.” I waved my hand towards the girls who smiled and called him over.
“I’m here with you.” He bumped his shoulder against mine. “You’re a pain in the ass, but I’m not going to just ditch you.”
“It’s cool.” I pointed to the table where Kelsie was busy hocking shirts. “There’s Kelsie. I’m going to say hi. You go say hi to your friends.”
He squinted at me for a minute, then nodded. “Good thing I hedged my bets, eh, Blix?” He tossed a glance towards the girls’ soccer team, now gathered in full force and cat calling to him. “Not exactly what I wanted, but you know what they say about getting what you want.”
“That you should want what you have instead?” I guessed.
“No! That’s ridiculous advice. Jesus, who told you that? Never mind, don’t even answer that. Just forget you ever heard it. They, and by ‘they’ I am referring to those who know what the hell they’re talking about, say that you can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes…” He held his hand out for me to finish.
“You just might get what you need?”
He shucked me under the chin and gave me his best cocky smile. “There’s hope for you yet.”
He walked away from me with a determined swagger and didn’t look back. I know because I watched the whole long beeline he made to his adoring fans.
I wanted to say hi to Kelsie, but she was flooded with people and looked super busy. I wasn’t sure if Devon was planning on coming. He said his mom had unofficially grounded him when she got a call saying he’d failed to turn in two major history assignments.
It was way too cold to have worn this ridiculous short skirt, and I shivered a little in the biting wind. I was already feeling dead tired, and being out in the frigid air didn’t help at all. If I had my license, I would have happily driven myself home. Since I’d taken a ride from Saxon and we’d made our awkward peace, I wasn’t about to hunt him down and ask him to take me home early. I made my way inside, where people were milling around. I saw a few people from school I knew, but before I could make my way to them, Nikki blocked my path.
“Hey there, Brenna.” Her eyes looked glassy, and I noticed the sharp smell of alcohol on her. She had three friends giggling behind her, including Krista from school. Not one of them looked remotely sober.
“Um, hey, Nikki.” I attempted to brush past her, because I could feel that she was looking for a fight, and I wasn’t interested in that at all.
“Jake’s here, but he isn’t interested in seeing you.” She poked a finger out, and I think she was aiming for the center of my chest, but she wove and hit my shoulder instead.
“Okay. Look I have someone I have to go see, I’ll be going. Now.” I realized that I had been backed into one of the darker corners of the little low building. Shit. Backed into a corner and facing down four angry drunk/high girls wasn’t my idea of a good time. “What do you want me to say, Nikki? You two are together. Fantastic. Jake and I haven’t talked outside of school in weeks, so you don’t have anything to worry about.”
“Then whysee wearin’ the stupid fuckin’ watch you gave ‘im, huh?” she slurred. She blinked fast, and I saw two tears slide out of the corner of her eyes. “You don’t deserve someone like Jake! So whysee still into you? You’re a bitch and a liar! You better leave him the hell alone!” She lunged forward, and I took one step back into the corner, reaching along the wall in the hopes there was a door to a bathroom or outside or something, anything I could duck into.
“She’s not worth it!”
“Forget her! She’s nothing but a useless bitch!”
“If Jake doesn’t know how lucky he is to have you, screw him!”
Her friends were all pulling back at her, but she was still jumping forward, determined to get at me. I really didn’t want to see what the outcome of being jumped by four girls half in the bag was, but I clenched my fists and got ready to fight my way out of this corner I’d somehow gotten backed into.
Suddenly, from out of nowhere, Kelsie yanked two of the girls back and all I heard was a set of quick yelps before they went flying. In an instant she grabbed Krista by the red-tinted hair and snarled, “Get the hell away from her!”
Kelsie was usually a really gentle, sweet girl without any evidence of a mean bone in her body. Watching her unleash on these girls made my jaw drop, but it somehow made sense that all that hippie calm was a front for an intense, rarely unleashed rage. The first two had run away, but Krista was about to get into it when Jake appeared out of nowhere and threw himself in front of Kelsie.
Krista wound up landing a weak punch on his chest, and I sank against the wall with relief. If she had used her full strength and landed the punch on Kelsie, it would have smashed right into my friend’s face. Jake yanked Krista by the shoulder.
“Shambles is waiting outside. Tell him Nikki will be out in a minute.”
“I’m not leaving!” Krista snapped, her arms flailing.
“You’re drunk and high. I swear to god, I will call your father and have him come down if you don’t go now.” Jake’s face was cold and serious. Krista stopped wailing and jerking around and stomped to the door. Jake looked at Nikki, and I cowered at the pure disgust in his eyes. “Seriously, Nik? What’s with you lately?”
“Like you give a shit!” she screamed. “You haven’t paid any attention to me in weeks! I know you’re still talking to that slut!”
“Calm down.” Jake took her by the elbow. “You need to go home. Let Shambles take you. He’ll drop you to get your car tomorrow.”
“Why not you?” Her angry screech ended in a hiccup. “I spend more time with him than you, and you’re supposed to be my boyfriend! Why are you with me if you don’t even want to be?” The tears that coursed out of her eyes made her makeup run in murky black rivers down her cheeks. “You still love her, don’t you? Don’t you? Just admit it, you liar!”
Jake’s eyes locked on mine across the few feet that separated us. The electric shock that went through the air was so intense, I was surprised no one else around us reacted. My heart warmed up and swelled, and I wondered if he felt it, too. Then he tore his eyes off of me and looked back at Nikki.
“You’re drunk, Nik. And this isn’t the time or place to talk about this. I’ll call you tomorrow, when you’re in your right mind. Okay?” He spoke to her firmly but gently, and as much as I hated being the voyeur in the corner, it was fascinating.
When Jake and I dated, he usually deferred to me. He was the one who messed up, and I was the one who had all the right answers. It was amazing how many different versions of us there were, and, in a strange way, I was glad to see this other side of Jake, even if it did tear at my heart to watch him curl an arm around Nikki and walk her out into the parking lot.
Kelsie snuggled next to me. “You okay, girl? You look kind of beat.”
I wiped my suddenly damp eyes with my knuckles and let out a shaky laugh. “Kel, it’s been the world’s longest freaking night. I’m glad I’m here and all, but you don’t know how I’m lusting for my bed.”
“Did you come with Saxon?” She craned her neck and looked around for his dark head.
“I did. We’re, um, not together anymore. I mean, as much as we were, we’re not. After tonight.” My tongue felt tied in a fat knot.
“Oh.” She smiled a smile that was all sweet sympathy. “Are you happy about it?”
I nodded weakly. “I mean, happymight not be the right word. I’m just…I guess at peace with all the stupid mistakes I made. And I know there’s that old saying about how much you learn from your mistakes and all that, but, seriously, it just sucks. It sucks being wrong and stupid and screwing everything up for everyone.” I leaned my cheek against her shiny, smooth hair.
