Текст книги "He's So Not Worth It"

Автор книги: Kieran Scott

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Текущая страница: 10 (всего у книги 20 страниц)

All night I couldn’t stop thinking about that guy Ally was with. His cocky face. That toolbox hair. He’d had his hands on her back, right above her waistband. That was the thing that kept coming back to me, and it made me feel sick every time it did. He didn’t get to touch her like that. No one got to touch her like that.I knew I had to get home and deal with the fallout. My mom had called me forty-two times the night before. Finally, once the party was over, she’d gotten through to Hammond’s mom, who’d come into Ham’s room still holding the phone at, like, one a.m. She’d told me my mom was too angry to talk to me, but that she didn’t want me driving home in the middle of the night. I was supposed to be back at my house by ten this morning. It was already nine fifteen as I walked down the beach toward Dr. Nathanson’s house. So yeah. That wasn’t going to happen.I stopped on the sand and flexed my hand, wincing as it throbbed through the gauze Faith had wrapped around my knuckles. Clenching my teeth, I looked up at the house. Ally was in there somewhere, probably still sleeping. I knew what Hammond would say if he saw me.Why was I going back for round two? How far up my ass was my head?But I knew why. It was that thing Ally had said about how I never explained. It had been driving me nuts all night. Because she was right. That day outside Jump, I avoided it. I had hoped we’d never have to go there, that we could just pretend like nothing had happened. And she’d called me on it. She’d called me on my bullshit. So now I had to explain. Just to prove to her that I wasn’t the jackass she thought I was.And there was something else, too. I could’ve sworn, when she’d first seen me, for just a second, she was happy I was there. There was a split second, when my hand was pulsating and my blood was rushing in my ears, that I thought she was going to throw her arms around me. I hadn’t imagined it. It was real. I just had to get her to look at me like that again.I blew out a breath and walked slowly up the stairs to the deck. I was halfway there, when a sliding glass door opened overhead. Ally stepped out onto a smaller deck. She was wearing her Orchard Hill High soccer T-shirt. The one she got for being a backslapper—my backslapper. Was that a good sign?“What are you doing here?” she snapped.Okay. Maybe not a good sign.“Can I talk to you?”She glanced over her shoulder and groaned. “I’ll be right down.”She was gone for about thirty seconds. I didn’t understand how she could make it seem like it was such a chore just to fucking talk to me, when all I wanted to do was talk to her. Then the door to the big deck opened and she came out. I walked up the last few steps. She looked tired, but it didn’t matter. She was still beautiful. Maybe I should say that. Maybe then she wouldn’t hate me.I opened my mouth to talk.“So, you ditched out on my dad last night, huh?”My tongue turned to dust. “What?”“He called this morning looking for you,” she said.Fuck. “What did you tell him?”She rolled her eyes. Already this was not going as planned. “I told him I hadn’t seen you.”I sank down on the nearest lounge chair and put my head in my hands. I was kind of surprised by how sick and guilty I felt. The gauze on my right hand grazed my temple. “Thank you.”“Thank you? That’s it? I lied to my father for you,” she said, hovering over me.I lifted a shoulder and leaned back on my hands. “So? Payback’s a bitch.”She looked stunned. Like I’d just slapped her. “So . . . what? Because he left us for two years I should punish him by lying to him?”“No. That’s not what I meant. Just . . . he lied to you, so . . .” I realized, suddenly, that this was not the right conversation. “Forget it. I don’t know what I meant.” I stood up again and blew out another breath. I kneaded my brow with my fist, trying to get my thoughts in order. “This was not how this was supposed to go.”“Then maybe you should just leave.”She turned and started for the door, and suddenly, I was pissed. How many times did I have to try with her?“What’s the matter with you?” I blurted.“What?” She whirled around.“I said, what’s the matter with you?” I repeated. “What the hell did I do that was so bad? So I knew where your dad was. What did you expect me to do? How was I supposed to tell you that? It was none of my business. And you . . . I . . . we were just starting to . . . you know . . .”I groaned, frustrated. Why couldn’t I just say what I was thinking? We were just starting to hook up. I was just starting to like her. I was just starting to think that I maybe wanted her to be my girlfriend. And I was supposed to do . . . what? Deliver her the most awful fucking news of her life?“So what you did was better?” she demanded. “Keeping the secret? Laughing at me behind my back with all your little friends?”I shook my head. “No one was laughing at you.”And if they had I would’ve beat their ass.Her hands dropped to her sides. “Oh, come on, Jake! You were there! At Shannen’s party? Everyone was laughing at me. If you had just told me . . . if I had known . . . I never would’ve gone there. That whole night never had to happen.”“So I fucked up,” I said, lifting my shoulders. I had this desperate feeling inside my chest. Like I just wanted to grab her and shake her, or grab her and kiss her. Whatever it took to make her stop talking and go back to liking me. “What am I supposed to do about it now?”“Nothing,” she replied. She had this condescending smirk on. It made me feel like shit. “You’re not supposed to do anything, Jake. You’re just . . . you’re not the person I thought you were.”Ow. Ow. That literally effing hurt.“What does that mean?” I asked. “I’m not good enough for you now?”She shook her head slowly and looked at the ground. Her hand was on the door handle and all I could think was, I have to stop her from sliding that door open. If she slides that door open, it’s over.“No, it’s not that,” she said to the wooden slats under her feet. “It’s just . . . this year sucked. I mean it really, really sucked. But you . . . you were the one thing that just . . . didn’t.”Okay. That sounded good. So why with the gut pain?She looked up at me, one hand around her waist, the other sort of thrown out, like she was begging for money on the streets. That’s how she looked. That desperate.“You were there for me through all this crap, and I trusted you, but then, when it really mattered, you kept this huge secret from me,” she said. Her eyes were so wet they were drowning.“So I make this one little mistake and all the other stuff—all the being-there-for-you stuff—that doesn’t matter anymore?” I asked.A tear fell and plopped on her shirt. “It wasn’t some little mistake!” She turned away, shaking her head like I was just too stupid to live. “I can’t do this. I’m out, Jake. I’m done.”I swallowed hard. This could not be happening. Didn’t she get it? I wanted her. Only her. I’d never wanted only one girl before in my life. And I’d had her. We’d had each other. Why didn’t she give a shit about that?“I don’t understand.”“When I get back home, I think we should just stay away from each other,” she said, looking at me now. “You stay on your side of town, and I’ll stay on mine.”“So that’s it?” I said.She yanked on the door. It slid open wide. My heart fell out of my chest. “That’s it.”

Fuck her. No seriously. Fuck. Her. After all that crap . . . all that sneaking around . . . the fact that I came to warn her that night at the pool and got my ass thrown in detention, the awesome frickin’ birthday present I got her, losing my best freaking friend over her . . . None of that mattered? What the hell does that even mean, “You’re not the person I thought you were?” Screw you. Maybe you’re not the person I thought you were, hooking up with random local losers after what? Like, a week of being away.Fuck. Her.I pulled into my driveway at top speed. Had to slam on the brakes to keep from taking out my mother’s beloved lawn jockey. Another fucking reminder of Ally Ryan and all the bullshit I did for her. I gave the Jeep door a good slam and started for the house. Three hours on the road and I was still fuming. I needed to punch something. Again.My mother came out the front door. Her hand was stretched out flat, palm up. Her eyes were so wide it was like someone was pulling the lids back with little strings.“Keys.”“What?”“Keys!” she said. “Now, Jake. Give me your keys.”I stopped. I would’ve cursed, but she probably would’ve taken some gardening tool to my tires. I dropped the keys in her hand.“That’s it. For the rest of the summer, you are not leaving this house unless it’s to go to work or to class,” she spat.She turned on her gold heel and walked over to the door. Then she stood next to it and waited for me to go inside. I wanted to bail. To walk to Shannen’s. But I wasn’t talking to her. Or go to Hammond’s. But he wasn’t there. I gritted my teeth and slunk inside.“What. The Hell. Were you thinking?” She followed me into the kitchen. I took the pitcher of iced tea out of the fridge and poured myself a glass, but I was wound so tight that half of it splashed on the counter and soaked the gauze on my hand. I sat down on one of the stools at the island.“Mom—”“Don’t Mom me,” she spat, throwing my keys in the junk drawer and slamming it closed. “How do you think I felt when I got a call from your manager telling me you’d never come back from break? You don’t answer your phone. You don’t tell anyone where you are. And you’ll be lucky if you don’t lose that job!”“Yeah. Lucky,” I said under my breath. Because it was so much fun over there.“Yes. Lucky,” she shouted, walking around the kitchen island. “Because if you lose that job, you’re getting another one. I don’t care if it’s mucking stalls over at the riding academy or cleaning bathrooms at the club. You will be working this summer.”“I’m sorry, all right? I’ll apologize to Mr. Ryan,” I said.The name tasted sour in my mouth. Like I’d just upchucked.“Yes. You will. And just so you know, your first practice-test scores were abysmal.” She grabbed a sheet of paper out of another drawer and tossed it in my direction. The gesture fell kind of flat when it fluttered toward my feet and hit the floor on its face. “You’re not going anywhere for the rest of the summer.”“You said that already,” I said.Her face turned so red so fast I thought I was going to have to call 9-1-1.“You can go to your room now.”I huffed a sigh and got up. For a second I thought about picking up the paper and checking out my scores. I was kind of curious. But I didn’t want to give her the idea that I cared. So instead, I took the steps two at a time, being careful not to spill any of the tea on the pale rug, and retreated to my room. The whole place smelled of carpet powder, which meant Marta had been there this morning. She’d left all the windows open to air the place out, so it was warmish inside, but I didn’t care. I flung myself down on my bed and breathed.Fresh air, actually, was a good thing.Fuck Ally. Fuck my Mom. I’d just play video games all summer and in the fall I’d hook up with every freshman who blinked at me. They could both go to hell.Except I couldn’t stop thinking about the way Ally had looked at me when she first saw me last night. That half a second when she was glad I was there. What the hell happened to that?Once I started breathing normal again, a pair of voices caught my attention.“. . . matter to you . . .”“. . . sorry . . . they just don’t . . .”I sat up straight. That was Chloe and some guy. Some guy was yelling at Chloe. I walked slowly over to the front windows. They were standing near the end of the driveway. Chloe and Will Halloran. He was gesturing like he was angry. She was standing there, toying with her sunglasses.WTF? Was he, like, threatening her or something? I felt this surge of adrenaline. Maybe there was something around here to punch. I went for the door, but then Will turned and got in his truck. I heard the door pop and then he peeled out. Chloe speed walked inside, and it was over.But still. I don’t know. Something was up. I pulled my cell phone out and called her. It took five rings, but she answered.“Hey, Jake.” She sounded fine. Totally up.“Hey. What was that all about with Halloran?” I asked, glancing out the window again.“Oh, you saw that?” She laughed. “That was nothing. I guess my parents owe them some money and he came to get it, but they weren’t here.”“So he decided to take it out on you?” I said.She laughed again. “It was no big deal. I handled it.”I turned away from the window and leaned back against the sill, scanned the room for something else to punch. But my knuckles stung angrily from the iced tea soaking slowly into the wounds. My adrenaline started to die off.“Yeah, well. If he gives you any trouble, just call me.”There was a long pause. I almost said her name to see if she was still there.“Thanks, Jake,” she said quietly. “That’s really sweet of you.”I sat up straighter. See? I wasn’t such a bad person. Chloe Appleby thought I was sweet. Too bad Ally Ryan wasn’t around to hear it.

Daily Field Journal of Annie Johnston Monday, July 5Location: Beach outside Gray Nathanson’s House.Cover: Reading the Sandpiper newspaper; Ally is napping next to me.Observations:5:35 p.m.: Subject Gray Nathanson returns from driving his daughter, Subject Quinn Nathanson, to theater for rehearsal. Uniform: white shorts, light blue T-shirt, sunglasses. Subject whistles and twirls his keys as he walks up the stairs. Subject Mrs. Ryan opens the door with a huge smile. Uniform: one-piece bathing suit, linen cover-up, no makeup. Subject encircles Mrs. Ryan in hug. The two go at it like a couple of teenagers. (Note: Sickening.) They glance over at the beach, see no one’s watching . (Note: Ha!) He picks her up and carries her inside. They kiss all the way up the stairs to the bedroom, where he slams the door with his foot. (Note: Shudder.) (Assessment: Dr. Nathanson and Mrs. Ryan are in deep. Also, it’s a good thing Ally snored through that.)5:47 p.m.: Subject Hammond Ross appears on the beach. Uniform: plaid bathing suit, white T-shirt, visor. He starts walking toward us. Sees me. Pauses. Turns. Takes a few steps toward us. Pauses. Takes his visor off. Scratches at his hair. Puts his visor back on. Turns around. Lopes back in the direction from which he came. (Assessment: My very presence makes Hammond Ross nervous. Score.)

I had to work at noon on Tuesday and I got there at exactly 11:59. I figured if I had to get right on “the floor,” as everyone called it, Mr. Ryan wouldn’t have time to yell at me. I was wrong.“Jake.”His voice sounded just like Coach’s when he’s fed up over the team’s lack of effort.“Hey,” I said, turning around. He stood in the doorway to the back room, holding the door open with his foot. I tried to look him in the eye, but he was seriously pissed, and I ended up looking at the blinking smoke alarm over his head.“May I see you a moment, please?”He was talking without totally opening his mouth. Something else Coach did.“Uh.” I looked over my shoulder for an out. “Don’t you need me to—”“Now.”I swallowed. “Okay.”As I walked past him into the back room, I ducked my head away from him. My palms were sweating, so I wiped them on my shorts. He let the door slam, which was something he told all of us never to do. Something about startling already caffeine-jittery customers.“Have a seat.”I sat in the metal chair next to his desk, which creaked and leaned sideways. My stomach swooped and I pressed my toes firmly into the tile floor to keep from going over. On his desk was an open notebook with equations scribbled all over it, and a study guide with the words “Securities Training Corporation” across the top.“I’m not even going to ask for an explanation,” he began. He stood in front of me with his arms crossed over his chest. His eyes skimmed the cuts on my knuckles, and I stuffed my hands under my arms. “Because there is no explanation for what you did. Leaving here in the middle of your shift is unacceptable, do you understand me?”I nodded. “Yes, sir.”“Because of what you did, Keisha had to work out your shift, which meant she had to call in a sitter to take care of her son last minute,” he continued, not moving a muscle. Unless you counted that scary throbbing vein off the corner of his left eye. “That’s money out of her pocket so that you can act like an irresponsible jerk. Do you think that’s fair, Jake?”I stared at him. Did he really want me to answer?“Do you?”Guess so.“Um, no?”“You don’t sound entirely certain about that,” he said. “So let me make this clear for you. If you intend to continue working here, I need you to be entirely certain about it. So. Was what you did fair to your coworkers?”My face was burning like I’d gone out front and laid it down on the espresso machine. I stared at the emergency exit behind his head.“No,” I said.“No. I didn’t think so.” He turned around and walked toward the far wall, where he’d hung up all these inspirational posters. The one he was standing in front of was red with white letters and said, YOUR WORK REFLECTS ON YOU. TAKE PRIDE IN YOURSELF.“I know you kids hate to hear this, but you’re almost an adult now,” he said quietly. He looked half over his shoulder at me. “So you really need to ask yourself one question. Is this the person you really want to be?”I’ve had stingers in my calf before, and they kill. They just knock me over right where I’m running. But that was the first time I got a stinger in my chest. Between this, and what Ally had said to me yesterday . . . I mean, I’d always thought I was just fine the way I was. Actually, I’d never really thought about it at all. So why the fuck did people suddenly feel the need to make me think about it?“I’m really sorry, Mr. Ryan. It won’t happen again.”This was what my mother had told me to say. When I’d left the house, I told myself I’d never say it. But now, I actually meant it.“Thank you for that,” he said. He turned fully around now, and looked at the floor. He looked sad all of a sudden. Had I actually made a grown man sad? “Just think before you act, Jake. That’s all you need to do. Believe me. I know. One impetuous decision . . . and your whole life goes off the track.”All right. Enough was enough. It was one half of one shift. And who the hell was he to tell me how to live? He’d left his whole family and not looked back.“I get that, sir,” I said, my voice all tense. “But it’s just a part-time job. How is messing up once going to screw up my whole life?”He glowered at me. I’d heard that word before, but never really knew what it meant. It meant someone’s eyebrows came together and their forehead got all scrunched, and their eyes got all narrow and their face was both yellow and red at once. Basically, it meant he looked like he wanted to kill me.“Well, it’s at least going to screw up your week,” he said. He went to the broom closet and yanked out this gross mop with gray strands of curled rope dangling heavily toward the floor. “Because as of right now, you’re on janitor duty.” He threw the mop at me. I stood up and caught it, but it still almost took off my ear. “Go clean the bathroom. And when you’re done with that, there are about ten bags of garbage that need hauling out to the back.”When he stormed out, he let the door slam. Again.I took out my phone. Thinking about Ally, about the way he’d left them, about how small she used to look whenever I talked about him . . . I didn’t want her to look that way when she thought of me too.I opened up my messenger and hit her name. My thumbs hovered over the keyboard. I held my breath, and typed.I rly am sry. Just wanted u 2 kno.Then I hesitated for a second and added one word.Friends?I closed my eyes and hit send before I could rethink it.

Daily Field Journal of Annie Johnston Friday, July 9Position: Across the street from Shannen Moore’s house.Cover: Pretending the chain came off my bike—I’m on my knees, fiddling with the wheel. As if I have a clue.Observations:9:05 a.m.: Subject Shannen Moore and her mother come out the front door shouting at each other. Which is, of course, why I stopped here. Shannen’s uniform: plaid boxers, gray tank top, no bra, messy hair. Mom’s uniform: sensible jeans, sensible shoes, sensible T-shirt, Louis Vuitton luggage.Mom: I told you last night to be up by eight. It’s not my fault you don’t listen.Shannen: I thought you were kidding! We cannot stay with them!Mom throws her very expensive bags into the back of her car and slams the door.Mom: Shannen, please. I’m exhausted.Shannen: I’m not going .Mom: Yes. You are.Shannen: No. I’m not.Mom: Yes. You are.Shannen: No. I. Am. Not.(Personal note: Is Shannen FIVE?)Mom (so loud it scares two squirrels out of the nearby tree): YES YOU ARE!Subject Shannen is so startled I’m about ninety-nine percent sure she starts to tear up. (Personal Note: The bitch can cry???)Mom (more calmly): You have exactly five minutes to throw as much as you can into a bag and get back down here. I’ll be waiting in the car.Subject Shannen looks away. Her leg bounces. She opens her mouth, closes it, moves her jaw around. Her mother gets in the car and closes the door. Subject Shannen groans. More squirrels flee. She goes inside and slams the door. Mrs. Moore adjusts her rearview mirror and spots me. I casually get on my bike and ride up the hill, where I hide behind one of the Cornwallaces’ massive rhododendrons.9:13 a.m.: Mrs. Moore pulls out of the driveway.Subject Shannen is in the passenger seat. Sulking.9:15 a.m.: I come out of hiding. As I pass by the Moores’ house, a curtain in one of the windows flutters closed.(Assessment: Mrs. Moore and Shannen just left Mr. Moore. And he did zilch to stop them.)