Текст книги "Pushing the Limits"

Автор книги: Katie McGarry

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Текущая страница: 19 (всего у книги 23 страниц)

“Because.” Mom stood and raised her hands out to her sides. “Because I knew this is how you’d react. I knew you’d want to know what happened between us and I can’t tell you.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’ll blame me and I can’t take any more guilt. It wasn’t my fault, Echo, and I’m not going to let you make me feel that way.”

A Mack truck hit my body and my shoulders rolled with the impact. What an unbelievably selfish answer. “You don’t know that’s how I’ll react. I’m not happy you went off your meds, but I get that you didn’t understand what you were doing. I understand that you weren’t in the right frame of mind that night.”

She released a loud sigh and it echoed in the lonely cemetery. “I do know how you’ll react, Echo. I told you before, you and I share the same skin. Once we’re betrayed, we never forgive.”

The dark sludge that had inhabited my veins since I found out my father’s role in that day moved slowly in my gut, chilling me from the inside out. “I’m not like that.”

“Aren’t you? How’s the bimbo your father married? You once loved her.”

I wasn’t her. I wasn’t my mother. I blinked and stared at Aires’ tombstone, half hoping he’d tell me she was wrong. What did this mean? What did this mean about me? And Ashley? And my father?

“Let’s not discuss bad things,” she said. “I’ve been on my medication for two years and I’m never coming off. Besides, I came here to catch up on the present, not rehash the past. I’ve got a fantastic job and a beautiful loft apartment. Echo? Echo, where are you going?”

From over my shoulder, I looked at the woman who gave birth to me. She’d never once said she was sorry. “I’m going home.”

NOAH

Water trickled from my parents’ fountain. Children laughed and yelled from the playground behind the neighborhood. Frank had told me to take the day off. I didn’t need a day off. I needed to work. I needed the money. I didn’t need so much damn time on my hands.

I brought Echo here once. Either to impress her or seduce her, or maybe I brought her here to prove to myself I was someone worth loving. Who the hell knew, for all the good it did.

My mind had wrestled with the same question since Tuesday. How could I help her? I drew nothing but blanks. So much for those damn problem-solving skills Mrs. Collins said I was so good at.

“Noah!”

I whipped my head at the sound of Jacob’s voice and my heart squeezed in my chest. Wide-eyed, I stood just in time for the blond-haired midget to tackle me in a hug. “Noah! Noah! It’s you! It’s really you!”

Wrapping my arms around him, I quickly scanned the area. Joe slowly walked across the street, his hands shoved in his pockets, shoulders slumped forward. Carrie held the hand of a struggling Tyler. He extended his other hand toward me.

“Noah,” said Joe.

“Joe.”

Jacob faced Joe, but kept his arm around me. “You did this, didn’t you?” He glanced excitedly at me. “He does things like this all the time. He tells us that he’s taking us to the store and then does something great like get ice cream. Except this time he said we were going to the fountain and he gave us you.”

The faith and love that radiated from Jacob tore at my heart.

“Didn’t you, Dad?”

My muscles tensed and I held tighter to Jacob. Dad.

Joe’s eyebrows furrowed together. “Jacob, I had no idea …”

“That I’d be early,” I cut in. Joe eyed me warily, but didn’t contradict me. Maybe if I played nice, he’d let me see them for a few seconds. “But I don’t have much time, bro.”

Jacob’s smile fell. “Did you know that our mom and dad built these houses?”

I blinked. Our mom and dad. “Yeah. I was about your age then. I helped Dad put up every single porch swing.”

Mom’s smile returned on Jacob’s face. “That must have been cool.”

“Yeah, it was.”

Joe gestured for Carrie to join us. A flash of worry covered her face before she slowly walked over. Like a fish, Tyler slipped out of her grasp and ran headfirst into my leg.

“Hey, bro.”

Tyler responded with a dazzling smile. No bruises. No staples. Just happiness. I mussed the hair on his head.

“Hey, Mom,” said Jacob, “did you know that Noah helped our mom and dad build these houses?”

The smile on her face seemed forced. “Did he?”

“Yep, because Noah is awesome.”

Her lips turned down, but she shoved them back up.

“Wanna come play with us?” Jacob asked me.

Tyler attached himself to my leg and propped both of his feet on top of mine. I cleared my throat. “I’ve got to get to work later and I need to eat before that.” Even though I didn’t work today and even if I did, I cooked food for a living.

“Eat wis us,” said Tyler.

He spoke to me. My youngest brother uttered his first words to me since the day of my parents’ funeral. I stared helplessly at Carrie and Joe. I was trying to do the right thing here. The exact opposite of what I wanted and my brothers were tearing out my heart.

“Come home and have lunch with us,” blurted out Carrie.

Joe touched her arm and spoke soothingly. “Are you sure?”

Carrie turned to him. “You were right, Joe.”

“Noah, would you like to follow us home and have lunch with your brothers?” asked Joe.

“Yes!” Jacob pumped his fist. “Wait until you see my room and my bike.”

Tyler still hung on my leg. “Yes, sir.”

I FORCED DOWN THE ham-and-cheese sandwich, chips and iced tea, even though sitting here on the back patio at Carrie and Joe’s made me nervous as hell. Part of me waited for the cops to show so Carrie could point at me and say I broke some sort of court order. To cover my ass, I called Mrs. Collins on the way here to tell her about lunch. She reminded me three times to watch my language.

“Come on, Noah, come see my room.” Jacob tugged on my hand and I glanced at Carrie and Joe for permission. Joe nodded.

This was the grandest house I had ever seen. The house may have been Victorian-era style, but the entire inside rocked out in contemporary. Granite kitchen counters, stainless steel appliances, hardwood floors throughout the first floor and a foyer the size of Dale’s basement.

Jacob rattled on about school and basketball while we walked up the massive staircase. “Tyler’s room is across from mine and Mom and Dad’s is right down the hall. We have two guest bedrooms. Two! Mom and Dad said that if I keep working with my counselor and go another month without nightmares then I can have friends over for a slumber party. I can’t wait….”

He led me into a large room and I stopped in the doorway. It was like entering the grade-school version of Pimp My Room. A wooden bunk bed lined the wall. The bottom bunk was a full-size mattress and a slide attached to the top bunk. Jacob had his own television and toys. Toys were everywhere.

A picture frame on Jacob’s dresser caught my eye and made it impossible to breathe. Jacob continued to talk, but I tuned him out as I picked up the frame. I rushed out the words, unsure I could say them without my voice breaking. “Do you know who this is?”

Jacob looked at the picture and then returned to the Bat Cave on the floor. “Yeah. That’s our mom and dad.” He said it so casually, like everyone had a picture of them.

I sat on the bed and ran a trembling hand over my face. My mom and dad. This was a fucking picture of my parents and they looked … happy. I sucked in a breath, but it sounded more like a sob.

“Jacob?” said Carrie. “Dessert is on the table.”

Jacob jumped up and then hesitated. “You coming?”

I blinked rapidly. “Yeah, in a sec.” I kept my eyes locked on the picture.

My brother hurried out the door and I tried hard to shove down the pressure building on my chest. Men don’t cry. My parents. Men don’t cry. Fuck. Men don’t cry. I wiped at my eyes. I missed my parents.

“Are you okay?”

My head shot up; I’d been unaware that Carrie remained in the room. “Yeah. Sorry.” I motioned with the frame before putting it back on the dresser. “Where did you get this?”

“Joe contacted Habitat for Humanity and asked if they had pictures of your parents. We felt it was important to keep them a part of the boys’ lives.”

I took a deep, shaky breath and faced her. “But not me.”

Carrie immediately looked down. “Please don’t take my boys away from me. They’re my whole world and … and I can’t live without them.”

Joe walked into the room and placed his arm around her waist. “Carrie.”

She shook like a damn leaf in a hurricane. “We’ll give them everything. Everything. Whatever they want. I swear to you, they’re happy here and I love them. I love them so much my heart hurts.”

I tried to reach for the anger that had propelled me forward over the past couple of months, but I only found confusion. “They’re my brothers and you’ve kept them from me. What did you expect me to do?”

Carrie began to sob. Joe pulled her into his chest and rubbed her back. “We were scared they’d choose you over us. That we’d lose them. Now, we stand to lose them regardless.”

Joe whispered something into Carrie’s ear. She nodded and left the room. He scratched the back of his head. “Thank you for what you did for Jacob. You transformed this entire family.”

Family. Why didn’t he use razor blades and rip me open that way? “You have a nice way of showing your appreciation.”

“And we were wrong about that.” Joe knelt by some Legos on the floor and absently dropped them, one at a time, back into the container. “All Carrie ever wanted was children. We tried for years, but Carrie has a medical condition. She had surgery to try to correct it, but it created scar tissue.”

Unfortunately, I understood scar tissue.

“After she came to terms with the fact that we’d never hold our own natural-born child, we decided on adoption. We met Keesha through a friend and she convinced us to look into foster care. We attended classes, but never really planned on doing it until we met your brothers. Against everything we learned and were told, Carrie and I fell in love with them.”

He continued to plunk one Lego piece on top of another. “After a few months, we decided to adopt. We had to prove to the court that no one else had claim to them, which we thought would be easy, but it turns out that your mother had living relatives.”

My eyes narrowed. “Mom and Dad were only children. Mom’s parents died her first year of college. Grandma and Papa died six months apart from each other when I was ten.”

“Actually, your maternal grandmother is still alive, as well as your mother’s brothers and sisters. She ran away from home to go to college. According to our findings, your mother had a … less than tolerable upbringing.”

Besides to turn my world upside down and confuse me more … “Why are you telling me this?” And why hadn’t my mom told me herself?

Joe shrugged. “In case you want to know that you still have living blood relatives. And to make you understand that we spent two years negotiating and fighting to keep your brothers from a place your mom ran away from. We won, only to be faced with our greatest challenge … you.”

Just when I thought my life couldn’t be more fucked up, Joe found a way to do it. He stood and assessed me—the way Isaiah did when he decided whether or not he was going to take a swing. “We’ve been wrong in how we’ve handled you and your relationship with your brothers. In our defense, you had just hit your foster father when we first took on your brothers. The system labeled you emotionally unstable and we were concerned about your influence on the boys, especially when we saw you bouncing around to several different foster homes. At first, we kept the boys away from you in order to protect them.”

“And after the system began to figure out I wasn’t the problem?”

“Then you scared us.” He stared at me and after a second continued, “When you announced your plans to seek adoption, I had people dig deep to find information on you, to use against you in court.”

Joe came closer to the bed and propped an arm on the wooden beam. “What you did to help those children in your previous foster homes was honorable, and what’s happened to you is deplorable. Noah, my wife and I were wrong about you, but we weren’t sure how to stop what we started without hurting our chances of keeping the boys.”

My mind went blank. Joe and I had spent the past couple of years at each other’s throats and because of one chance meeting, he was waving the white flag? He scratched the back of his head, obviously feeling as unsure about this moment as I did.

Joe began again, “The way I see it, you’ve got three options. You can walk out of this house and continue to fight for your brothers and possibly win, yanking them away from their friends, their school, this house and us. You can fight and lose and only end up seeing your brothers on whatever visitation schedule the court allows, if any.

“Or you can withdraw your claim on the boys. Let us adopt them and raise them as we already see them, as our own. But with this option, you become a part of this family. You’ll have unlimited access to them. Phone calls, visitation, school plays, basketball games. Hell, come have dinner with us once a week.”

“Why?” I asked him.

He blinked, surprised by the question. “Why what?”

“Why are you offering the last option?” They’d gone this long hating me. Why be so generous now?

“Because they love you, Noah, and we love them. In ten years, I don’t want to explain to my sons that I let fear and pride keep them away from their only blood relative who cared about them.”

“I don’t trust you,” I said. Because adults lied.

Joe looked me straight in the eye. “I’ll have my lawyer put it in writing.”

I’d heard enough and I needed air. Joe had thrown out too much information, screwing with my brain. I pushed past him so I could find my brothers. Carrie lurked in the hallway, clutching a stuffed bear. For years I’d seen her as the hateful bitch who kept my brothers away from me. Thanks to Joe’s little speech I couldn’t see that anymore. Instead, I saw a broken woman who couldn’t complete her own dreams because of me.

Yeah, I knew all about scar tissue. Problem was, helping her was only going to increase mine.

Echo

I slammed the door to my car and ran up the dark driveway. Thank God, Isaiah was under the hood of Aires’ car.

“I am so sorry I’m late. I had this thing—” I met my mom, whom my dad would freak about if he found out I saw “—and it got screwed up—” she’d rather I spend years never sleeping again because she’s scared of what I’d think of her and then pointed out I’m a heartless, unforgiving bitch “—and I lost track of time.” I’d driven around trying to convince myself she was wrong.

Isaiah poked his head out from under the hood and gave me a crazy smile. “S’all good. Your dad told me I could go ahead and work on it.”

Okay. Sort of not my father’s style to let pierced, tattooed people hang out alone in our garage, but maybe he was too busy with Ashley to care. The door to the kitchen closed and Beth entered the garage with a can of Diet Coke. “All you’ve got is diet shit in your house. And fruit. Lots of fucking fruit. Don’t you have any frozen pizzas?”

“Ashley doesn’t like preservatives.” What was I doing? “Why were you in my house?” I glanced around and my heart dropped. “Where’s Noah?” My slow mind caught up with the fact that my father’s car was gone. “Where’s my father?”

Beth stared at me blankly, then snapped out of her trance. Lovely, she was high. “Oh, yeah, your stepmom went into labor and your dad said something about telling you.” She scrunched her eyes together. “Was there more to the message, Isaiah?”

He mumbled from under the hood, “Fuck, I don’t know. You were the one who was supposed to be listening.”

Beth giggled. “Right. I was.” Her giggling stopped. “Wow. When did it get to be night?”

My heart tripped in my chest. “Ashley’s in labor? She can’t be. She still has like …” I don’t know—something weeks left. Crap, how come I never paid attention? Dad had to be freaking out. “Lots of time left. The baby isn’t done yet.”

Beth tilted her head. “Do babies have timers?” Her smile grew. “If not, they should.”

Isaiah shut the hood with a feverish look in his eyes. “I need the keys.”

I experienced mind whiplash. Oh. My. God. He’d never asked for the keys before. I pointed crazily in the air toward the hook on the workbench, unable to do more than stutter, “There … there … they’re there.”

He grabbed the keys and hopped into the front seat of the car. I swore time moved in slow motion as he placed his foot on the gas pedal and inserted the key into the ignition.

In my mind, I saw Aires. His brown hair, long legs and ever-present smile. “It’s gonna run someday, Echo,” he once said. “Can’t you just hear the engine purring?”

Tears burned my eyes and I swallowed down the sob. Yes, Aires. It is going to run. I did this for you. How I wished he was here.

Isaiah turned the key and the sweetest rumbling sound filled the garage. He pressed his foot against the gas and hollered as the engine roared with life. “Oh, yeah, baby, that’s what I’m fucking talking about!”

He stepped out of the car with his arms wide open. “I’m getting me something for this.”

And I happily complied. I jumped into those arms and kissed his cheek. “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.”

I let go of Isaiah, sat in the warm leather seat and clutched the vibrating steering wheel. Isaiah closed the door and I shifted the car into Reverse.

And then everything inside of me froze. I pressed down on the brake to stop. The hole in my heart that was supposed to be filled with this moving car … grew. “Isaiah, where’s Noah?”

NOAH

Carrie’s arms strangled my neck and, for a moment, I hoped she’d kill me. Death had to be better than this. I swallowed, but the heavy lump in my throat remained. Every muscle in my face pulled down and I sucked in air in an attempt to wash away the despair.

“I want to talk to Mrs. Collins first,” I choked out. “I haven’t completely made up my mind.” Goddammit. Why did everything have to hurt so bad? Every part of my body throbbed with pain to the point that I either had to die or explode.

“God bless you, Noah,” Carrie whispered in my ear.

I wanted a family. I wanted a fucking family and Jacob and Tyler already had one.

She sniffed as she released me, but her smile lit up the room like a thousand stars put together. “I know you’ll do the right thing by the boys. I know it.”

They had normal.

And I wasn’t it.

Carrie waited for a reply, but I couldn’t form a response to save my life. Joe placed a hand on my shoulder, saving me from speaking. “Mrs. Collins will be here soon.”

As if we were living out a bad sitcom, the doorbell chimed on cue and Carrie escorted Mrs. Collins into the kitchen. She wore paint-covered sweatpants and a Nirvana T-shirt. Joe mumbled something about giving us a few minutes.

The dishwasher beside me entered a rinse cycle. The rhythmic beating of the water against the dishes filled the room. Mrs. Collins tapped one finger against the black granite countertop. My gaze trailed to her face, expecting to see agitation for dragging her into this mess. Instead, the pain in her puppy dog eyes ripped open the dam of emotions I struggled to suppress.

Wetness invaded my eyes and I closed them, shaking my head repeatedly to stop any of it from falling. I did not want to hurt. I did not want to care, but dammit, this was killing me.

“Talk to me, Noah,” she said in the most serious tone I’d ever heard from her.

I glanced around the kitchen and back to her. “I can’t give them this.”

“No,” she replied softly. “You can’t.”

“And I can’t afford basketball camps and the private school they love so much and the gifts for all the birthday parties they’re invited to.” My throat became thick.

“No,” she repeated.

“And they have grandparents.” I didn’t recognize the hoarse sound of my voice. “Jacob couldn’t stop talking about Joe’s parents and Tyler goes fishing with Carrie’s dad every Wednesday as long as it’s above freezing. I can’t offer them that.”

“You’re right.”

“I love them,” I said with determination.

“I know you do.” And her voice quavered. “I have never doubted that.”

“I love Echo, too.” I stared straight into Mrs. Collins’s eyes. “I miss her.”

She shrugged and gave me a sad smile. “It’s okay to love someone besides your brothers, Noah. You aren’t betraying them or your parents because you’re living your life.”

And it happened. After years of holding it in, the grief within me snapped. All of the anger and sadness and hurt I’d stored away in my quest to never feel those emotions burst through to the surface. “I want my mom and dad.” I couldn’t suck in air. “I just want my family back.”

Mrs. Collins wiped her eyes and crossed the room to me. “I know,” she said again and pulled me into a hug.

“THANKS AGAIN, NOAH.” JOE SHOOK my hand for possibly the fiftieth time since I told him and Carrie I was no longer pursuing custody after I graduated. “I promise you’ll see them whenever you want.”

I nodded and glanced over my shoulder. Mrs. Collins and Carrie stood near the stairs at the end of the second-floor hallway. Mrs. Collins sent me an encouraging smile and I took a deep breath.

Joe opened the door to Jacob’s room and the two of us entered. “Boys, Noah would like to talk to you.”

“Noah!” In Batman pajamas, Jacob raced across the room and rammed into me. “You’re still here!”

“Yes,” said Joe. “And he’ll be here a lot more.” With eager eyes, Jacob marveled at Joe. “You mean it?”

“I swear to it.” Joe patted my shoulder. “I’ll give you guys some time to talk.”

And just like that he walked away, closing the door behind him. I hadn’t been alone with my brothers in over two years. With my hand on Jacob, I stared at the picture of my parents. They weren’t coming back and I could never re-create what we had, but I could move forward.

I sat on the floor and my heart floated when Tyler, in footed pajamas, inched closer to me and placed his small hand in mine. His thumb in his mouth. A blanket in his fist.

Jacob superglued himself to my side. “Dad never swears unless he means it, Noah. He says it’s a sin to lie.”

I nodded. “It is. Our mom used to say that, too.” I cleared my throat and began the hardest conversation of my life. “A couple of years ago, I made a promise to you. At the time I meant it, but now I don’t think it’s the best thing for any of us.”

I looked at Tyler. He was too young to remember the way Mom laughed when Dad tried to dance with her as she washed the dinner dishes. Too young to remember Dad showing him pictures of buildings and explaining how his sons would know how to hammer in a nail correctly before the age of ten.

And Jacob. Old enough to remember, but too young to fully understand everything he lost. He’d never know the pride of walking in with Mom on parent appreciation night. He’d never know the explosion of joy when Dad told him that he was a natural when he used his first power tool.

They’d never know that they lost the two most amazing people on the face of the planet. They’d never know how the loss had torn me up every single day of my life.

I took a deep breath and tried again. “How would you feel about the two of you living here forever and me just coming to visit?”

MRS. COLLINS RAN THE STOP SIGN at the end of Jacob and Tyler’s street. I sat in my car, alone.

Echo.

I had let her walk away and it wasn’t over custody of my brothers. Mrs. Collins was right. Deep down I’d thought loving her was a betrayal of my parents and my brothers.

But I loved Echo. I needed her. And I was going to win her back.

I turned on the car and the engine sputtered to life. Foster care was educational—in a “five to seven years with the possibility of parole” kind of way. The question was what to do with all of the information I’d gathered.