Текст книги "Redemption Road"

Автор книги: Katie Ashley

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Текущая страница: 14 (всего у книги 19 страниц)

SIXTEEN

REV

Sometimes we find ourselves damned to hell by outside forces. But then sometimes we are the very ones who damn ourselves. The burden of suffering I had taken on after Annabel left was of my own doing, and I had no one else to blame but myself. Doing what I had assumed was the right thing had never been so wrong.

Since I had never been one who couldn’t admit his mistakes, I tried calling Annabel several times. Each call went unanswered until the number was changed altogether. My wounded male pride then overrode any other overtures I should have made to make things right between us. Instead, I did the immature thing and drowned my sorrows in Jack Daniel’s.

My days and nights became a boozy haze. I slept until noon, and I didn’t show up for work at the pawnshop. I basically became one of the walking dead or, I guess more aptly, a dead man walking. The only time I took life seriously was when it came to the club and club business.

No one could reach me. Deacon and Bishop talked, yelled, and cursed until they were blue in the face. Even Alexandra tried using her feminine approach to get through, but I was a hopeless case. No one was more frustrated by my behavior than I was. But each day, as I poured another glass of Jack, I reasoned that what I had done was for the best for both Annabel and me. She’d had one traumatic life experience, so she sure as hell didn’t need to end up with me. I could only imagine her waking up one day and looking at me with a regret that would have broken my heart even more than letting her go had.

Mama Beth was the only one who didn’t try talking to me. I think she was so disgusted by what I had done concerning Annabel and what my life had become that she was for once washing her hands of me. Of course, her disappointment wounded me deeply. One day, three months after Annabel had left, I lashed out at her in a way I never would have believed myself capable of. After talking it over with Deacon and Bishop, we had all decided it was best not to tell Mama Beth about my rape. As sensitive as she was, it would be too horrific and painful for her to have to endure.

But in my drunken, self-loathing phase, I forgot all about that. Since I was surviving on a liquid diet, she had brought lunch to my house. I never intended to let her in, but she had a key of her own. Being her stubborn self, she had come on in and promptly poured a pitcher of cold water on my ass to get me awake. To get her off my back, I had finally come out to the kitchen.

When I peered down at the table, a simple piece of her chocolate cake set me off. “What the fuck is that?” I demanded.

Mama Beth’s blue eyes popped wide at my language and tone. “Why, it’s chocolate cake. Your favorite.”

Once upon a time, it had been my favorite. After my attack, I could barely stomach it. But to keep the secret and the peace, I would smile and eat it, only to excuse myself and throw it up moments later. Too much had happened for me to do the same thing now. Lunging forward, I grabbed the cake and took it straight to the trash. I slammed it down into the trash can so hard that the plate popped up before falling down.

“Nathaniel, what are you doing?” Mama Beth asked in her most concerned voice.

“You know what happened to me because of chocolate cake?”

Mama Beth shook her head. “You’re out-of-your-head drunk and not making any sense. Please eat something. I made all of your favorites.”

“Always trying to make things right with food, aren’t you, Mama?” I snapped.

“Nathaniel, I do not like your tone or your attitude. I know things have been strained between us since Annabel left, so I came down here to try to make things right.”

“So you brought me some good ol’ chocolate cake.” I laughed a little maniacally. “One baked cake never cost me so much . . . or us so much.” I staggered toward her. “Do you remember years and years ago when you asked me to take a cake down to Miss Mae’s?”

“Yes,” she murmured, her forehead creasing in confusion.

“Miss Mae wasn’t home. Instead, a vagrant named Kurt was there. He drugged me and dragged me into her bedroom, where he raped me!”

Mama Beth gasped in horror, her eyes widening to the size of dinner plates.

“The reason Preacher Man left his church and left us? It’s because he blew Kurt’s head off after seeing him violating me.”

As long as I live, I will never forget the look on her face. It was an agonizing expression of shock, disbelief, and pain. Her hand flew to her mouth as she swayed on her feet. “Why didn’t you ever tell me? Why didn’t he tell me?”

“I don’t know. We thought it was best to keep it a secret.”

As she stared at me almost like I was a stranger, I felt like the biggest bastard to have ever walked the earth. “Mama Beth, I’m sorry,” I murmured. I wanted her to scream at me. To slap my face for telling her in such a horrible way. To hate me for ruining her marriage and, in a way, her life.

Instead, tears streamed down her cheeks. “No, I’m the one who is sorry, Nathaniel. I’m so, so sorry.”

“Don’t apologize to me. I’m an asshole for telling you like that.”

She brought her hand up to cup my cheek. “You’ve been under a tremendous strain these last three months. While I should be angry at you for the way you told me, I can’t be. You’re my son, and I love you. More than anything, my heart breaks for you. How I wish I could turn back time to be there for you when you were suffering.”

“You were. You just didn’t know the why.”

Shaking her head, she said, “I wish your father was alive, so I could give him a good talking-to for keeping it from me.”

I laughed. “Knowing him, it probably wouldn’t have done any good.”

“It would have made me feel better.” She wiped her eyes. “He should have known keeping secrets never does any good. Maybe things could have been different if he had only been honest.” She glanced up at me. “Maybe you’ll learn from his mistakes.”

“What do you mean?”

“With Annabel.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I’m not asking you to. I’m just telling you that keeping the truth from me hurt me far worse in the long run.” She then opened her arms. “Now come let your mother hug you and try to make it better.”

Although I was a grown man, I allowed my mother to comfort me like the scared eleven-year-old boy wished he had been comforted.

That had been a month ago, and while I wished I could say that her talk had made me see the light, I once again was too stubborn. I retreated back into drinking, although I did manage to make it to church meetings with the club and returned to my job at the pawnshop. Of course, I wasn’t sober for any of it, but at least I was physically present.

The next afternoon found me walking home from the pawnshop. The December chill had me reaching inside my cut for my flask. After sucking back some liquid warmth, I put the flask back. Just as I started up the stairs, I remembered I needed to feed Poe. It had been two months since he had been released into the wild. Even though he was doing fine on his own, I still gave him his favorite treat of dried corn. It helped to bring him back around. Even though he was a constant reminder of Annabel, I still wanted to see him.

As I lurched around the side of the house, I heard Willow talking in a singsong voice to Poe. She giggled at the loud way he crunched on the corn she was feeding him.

“Whatcha doin’, rug rat?” I asked.

After glancing at me over her shoulder, she gave me a disapproving look. It had a greater effect than she could have ever imagined. I had never felt so cut down to size by anyone, not even after Mama Beth’s talk. “Feeding Poe,” she finally replied.

“That’s nice of you, but I’m the one who does that.”

“You don’t do much of anything but drink lately,” she murmured softly.

Fuck me. She might as well have knifed me in the chest. I didn’t know what to say to her. Finally, I settled on, “I’m sorry, rug rat.”

After tossing the rest of Poe’s corn to the ground, she turned to face me. “My first mommy used to tell me she was sorry. But then she would go right back to drinking.” She stomped her pink-sneakered foot dramatically, and then swept her hands to her hips. “I don’t want you to be like her, Uncle Rev. I don’t want you to hurt people like she did. . . I don’t want you to hurt me.”

While I had expected her to be the one crying, I was the one whose eyes became moist. Christ, where had I gone so wrong? I had once been a hero in Willow’s eyes. Now she was disgusted and disappointed by me. She was just another woman whom I had loved and had alienated myself from.

“Do you want to know why Poe comes back for the corn?”

Swiping my eyes with the back of my hands, I muttered, “Because he’s a spoiled brat.”

Willow shook her head. “He comes back because he knows we want to take care of him. He could survive out there with his deer friends, and maybe he would be better off, but he still wants to see us. We show him we still love him by leaving him the corn.”

I blinked at her. I wasn’t sure, but I suspected that she was trying to make some strange correlation between Annabel and Poe. She didn’t give me a knowing look like Mama Beth might, or Alexandra. She just appeared to be talking from her heart.

And it was time for me to start talking from mine.

SEVENTEEN

ANNABEL

Four months, three days, and nineteen hours. That’s how long it had been since I had seen or even spoken to Rev Malloy. While he had tried to reach me by phone, I had refused his calls. He had wounded me too deeply at a time when I was at my most vulnerable. After what I had been through with Mendoza, I couldn’t have imagined ever going through something worse. But I was wrong. Having the man you care deeply for question your feelings for him and allude to your being crazy was just as bad. Maybe it was even worse because of the additional element of being kicked when you were already down.

The rational part of me understood why Rev had done what he did. Deep down, I had questioned the root of my feelings for him. Did I want to be with him because of who he truly was or because he was my savior? Was he just the safe choice after what I had been through? Was it some weird reversal of Stockholm syndrome? Of course, Rev could never be compared to a monster like Mendoza. He might’ve been a tough biker who had made some choices I might not understand, but I knew that at his core he had a heart of gold.

But regardless of the time, distance, personal reflection, and therapy I allowed myself, the answer remained the same. While it defied all reason and made no sense, I had fallen in love with Nathaniel “Reverend” Malloy.

“Annabel? Are you up here?” My mother’s voice broke through my clouded thoughts.

“Yes. I am.”

She appeared in my doorway, bedecked in the finest of couture gowns along with some of our family jewels. She then bestowed upon me her usual disapproving look—the one strictly reserved for me. “What are you doing still up here? You should be downstairs greeting guests.”

I rose from my vanity chair as best I could in my formal gown. “I’m sorry. I was just finishing with my makeup. I’ll be right down.”

“I should expect so.” She turned and flounced out into the hallway. With a resigned sigh, I started across my bedroom. It had been my refuge in the months since returning home. Moving back in with my parents was practically a fate worse than death, but my parents insisted on it. Allegedly, it was the best way for my father’s hired protection to keep an eye on me. I think it was more about getting his money’s worth from the security detail—and what better way to do that than to have them stationed at the house?

A bodyguard followed me wherever I went, which these days consisted of home and my job at the veterinarian’s office I had worked at during my undergraduate program. I would be returning to vet school at the University of Virginia in January. Between my captivity and my time with Rev, I had missed the beginning of the semester.

These days I rarely went out socially. While my friends had reached out to me after my return, I found spending any time with them to be awkward. The fact I had been a sex slave was always a dark specter hanging over any lunchtime gathering or movie night. There was also the fact that I wasn’t the same girl I had been six months ago, and in many ways I had outgrown some of them. The sorority-sister hijinks I had once reveled in now seemed childish.

As I made my way to the top of the massive, winding staircase adorned with Christmas garland, the sounds of the party threatened to overwhelm me. The mindless chatter coupled with the jazzy Christmas carols from the band grated on my nerves. It took everything within me to will my Christian Louboutin heels forward. Every fiber of my being wanted to run back to the safety of my bedroom. Of course, if I had my way, I would have preferred being at the Raiders compound with Rev, Mama Beth, Alexandra, and Willow.

Even in the past, I had never been a fan of my parents’ stuffy annual Christmas party. It was less about goodwill toward men and more about how my father’s votes could be influenced, or dare I say bought. All the finest local society families would be there, each trying to outdo the others with expensive overseas trips or glittering diamonds. To prove that we were the picture-perfect all-American family, my older sister, Lenore, and I, in our glittering party dresses, would be prevailed upon to perform for the guests. Although we had usually practiced for weeks, we would pretend to be totally caught off guard when the request came through. I would take my seat at the piano to play while Lenore’s operatic voice would regale the guests.

And after my kidnapping, I dreaded the party even more. I didn’t like crowds, least of all crowds filled with men, most of whom were strangers. At each unfamiliar face, it was as if, for a split second, I could see my captors looming over me. The only time I had felt safe and like my old self in a crowd was when I had been with Rev and his brothers.

Just the thought of Rev caused my chest to tighten with the familiar grief-stricken pain. Lifting the hem of my emerald green dress, I began making my way down the stairs. When I got to the bottom, I drew in several deep breaths, trying to calm my nerves. Slowly, I began to advance through the crowd.

Men tipped their heads at me while ladies gave me forced smiles. No one bothered to cease their conversations to speak to me formally or engage me in a discussion, for which I was relieved. I would make my obligatory rounds so my mother would get off my back, and then I would disappear back upstairs.

As a waiter went past me in his white tails, I grabbed a champagne flute off his tray. After taking a sip, I turned around to see a woman staring expectantly at me. “Hello,” I said.

“Hello. You’re one of the Percy girls, aren’t you?”

I forced a smile to my face. “Yes, I am.”

The woman wore a curious expression. “Are you the lawyer or the one who got kidnapped into sex slavery?”

Both stunned and appalled by the audacity of her question, I merely opened and closed my mouth like a fish out of water, gasping for air. The sounds of the party ground to a halt, and I could hear the drumbeat of my heart pounding in my ears. I had to get away. “Excuse me,” I muttered as I brushed past her.

As I rushed through the crowd, the world around me became a colorful blur. Unable to get through the crowd to the stairway, I made a beeline for the veranda instead. Heedless of the cold, I threw open the doors and rushed outside. I stalked to the iron porch railing, gripping the metal between my hands to steady me. My breath came in rushed pants.

“Annabel?”

The sound of the voice caused my heart to shudder to a stop. I gripped the railing even harder; otherwise my knees would have buckled, sending me crashing to the marble floor. For a moment I feared I had finally cracked, lost my mind. After all, that seemed to be the only explanation for why I was hearing his voice. He couldn’t possibly be here.

Slowly, I turned around. When I saw him standing before me, I once again grew weak in the knees. My hands flew to cover my mouth to muffle the shocked scream. Over the last few months I had envisioned what seeing him again might be like, what I would feel. But nothing I had imagined or fantasized could quite live up to the reality of seeing Reverend Malloy standing before me.

His shoulder-length hair was swept back into a neat ponytail, his handsome face was still clean-shaven, but the most arresting detail of his appearance was the close-fitting black tux he wore. He radiated the air of a distinguished gentleman. Only I knew that beneath the fine lines of the tux were the intricate lines of his tattoos.

Shaking my head, I tried to extract myself from my stupor. Without even a hello, I demanded, “What are you doing . . .? How did you . . .?”

“I made a last-minute donation to your father’s reelection campaign.” He took a few tentative steps toward me. With a twinkle in his blue eyes, he added, “They really should be a little more careful about who they let in here.”

“I can’t believe you’re here,” I murmured.

“Part of me feels the exact same way.” He glanced down at his tux. “This is actually my first time in a monkey suit.”

“Really?”

He nodded.

“Well, no one would ever know by the way you’re wearing it.” I smiled ever so slightly. “You look good. You really do.”

His wonderfully reverent gaze held mine. “I could say the same about you.” His eyes then raked the length of my body. “You look so beautiful tonight.”

I laughed. “I do clean up nicely from time to time.”

Rev shook his head, a determined expression on his face. “You’re always beautiful, but tonight . . . in that dress with your hair pulled back”—he sighed—“you take my breath away.”

His words sent tingling sparks down my spine and throughout my limbs. “Thank you,” I replied breathlessly.

An awkwardness I’d never faced with him before hung heavy between us. To ease the tension, I asked, “How’s Poe?”

A genuine smile filled Rev’s face. “He’s great. He’s grown like a weed, and he took to the woods like second nature. Of course, Deacon likes to call him a pussy because he comes back every day to get the corn we leave for him.”

I giggled at Deacon’s summation. Reaching into his suit pocket, Rev pulled out his phone. “I have some pictures of him.”

“You do?”

Pink tinged Rev’s cheeks as he came even closer to me—so close I could smell his delicious scent. The one that used to bring me such comfort. When he held out his phone, my shaky hands reached for it.

As I gazed at the image, tears blurred my eyes. The dam I had so carefully constructed to hold back my emotions broke with the weight of seeing him. Before I could stop myself, I was sobbing. When Rev’s arms started to come around me, I pushed him away. I couldn’t stand his pitying comfort, nor could I afford to allow myself to be held by him. The safety and protection of his arms had once meant the world to me. “Why? Why did you come here? Damn you! I’d only just begun to put myself halfway back together again.”

Rev wore an anguished expression. “I had to come, Annabel. I had to tell you I was sorry for what happened.”

I shook my head furiously. “I don’t want your fucking apology. Your words mean nothing to me. I will never be able to forgive you for turning me away.”

“Even if I came here to make it right?”

After swiping the tears from my eyes, I stared suspiciously at him. “What do you mean?”

“The last four months have been the worst months of my life. I’ve spent most of them drunk off my ass, trying everything in the world to forget you.” Tentatively, he reached out to cup my cheek. Although I should have jerked away from him, I couldn’t bring myself to. “But you’re unforgettable, Annabel.”

Unforgettable. He thought of me as unforgettable.

His words caused the tears to come harder and faster. Rev reached out and drew me against him. My hands fisted the front of his tux as I clung desperately to him. “Please don’t cry. You break my heart when you cry, especially when I’m the one at fault,” he murmured, his words warm against my cheek.

“I can’t help it. You’re not the only one whose last four months have been miserable. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t forget you, either.”

Rev kissed the top of my head. “I’m so sorry. I never wanted to do anything to hurt you, but all my fucking good intentions just got in the way. I’ve never been so wrong about trying to do what I thought was the right thing.” Easing back from me, Rev stared into my eyes. “You were right that I freaked out about kissing you that night at the roadhouse. But what you didn’t remember was you also told me you were falling in love with me.”

I heard myself gasp. “I did?”

“Yes, you did. Although part of me was glad to hear you say it, I was afraid that you were just mixed up in the way you felt about me because of what you had gone through. But more than anything, I didn’t feel I deserved you.”

“How can you think such a thing?”

“How can I not? You’re this beautiful and intelligent woman who is unattainable to someone like me. Your grandfather was the fucking governor, while mine worked in a cotton mill.”

“You know that none of that matters to me—pedigrees, bloodlines, all that bullshit. You always knew how I felt about my parents and their world.” I motioned to all the grandeur inside. “This has never been and never will be my world.”

“But you deserve to have the finest things that life has to offer, and I can’t give you that.”

Shaking my head, I countered, “I don’t want any of that. None of that is important to me. I just want what you can give me.”

With a scowl, he said, “All I can give you is a sixty-year-old house and stakes in a pawnshop and a gym.”

“You can give me what none of the richest men at this party can.”

“And what’s that?”

“Your love.”

Rev’s blue eyes shone with a fierce intensity. “I do love you, Annabel. I fought it for a long time, but I know now without a shadow of a doubt that you’re the only woman in the world for me.”

My heart skipped a beat at his declaration. “You really mean that?”

He nodded. “Do you think that even after the way I acted you could love me again?”

I smiled as I brought my hand up to his cheek. I brushed the back of it over his smoothly shaven skin. I couldn’t seem to keep my hands off him. “I never stopped loving you. No matter how hard I tried, no matter how hard I wanted to.”

Rev’s response to my words was to bring his lips to mine. Every molecule in my body seemed to come alive as our lips pressed together. His mouth worked tenderly against mine, almost timidly, as if he didn’t want to spook me. But then I also realized it was the type of kiss you gave someone who you loved.

I pulled away to stare up at him. “Take me away from here.”

“Are you sure?”

“There’s nothing that I want more than to be with you. Your home, your family, and your club are in Georgia.” I smiled. “That’s where I want to be.”

Rev returned my smile. “You don’t know how thankful I am to hear you say that.”

Taking him by the hand, I started to lead him to the stairs. When he tugged on my hand, I stopped. “What?”

“Don’t you need to go pack?”

I shook my head. “I don’t want to waste another minute here when I could be with you. I can send for my things later.” The truth was I didn’t want to ruin this perfect moment by having a verbal altercation with my parents.

Rev laughed. “Whatever you say.” We then hurried down the veranda steps and around the side of the house.

“Annabel? Annabel, where are you going?” my bodyguard, Bradley, called out after me. He was breathing a little harder, as if he had broken into a run to catch up with us.

“I’m going home.”

Bradley’s blond brows furrowed in confusion. “I’m sorry?”

I smiled at Rev, then glanced back at Bradley. “You are relieved of your duties. Should my parents ask, you can tell them I left willingly with the biker I’m in love with.”

When Bradley started to protest, Rev stepped between us. “Don’t even bother trying to stop us. It won’t end well for you,” he practically growled. A shiver went through me at seeing his protective side again. Even outfitted in a tux, he still harbored the rough, bad-boy-biker side I’d fallen in love with.

I guess Bradley realized Rev wasn’t worth fighting because he held up his hands and backed slowly away. “You know I’ll have to tell your parents immediately,” he said.

“I understand.”

Glancing between me and Rev, he said, “Be careful.”

“Trust me when I say that no one can protect Annabel better than I can,” Rev said.

With a tentative smile, Bradley replied, “I don’t doubt that for a minute.”

Rev took my hand and tugged me forward. When he breezed past the valet, I began to wonder where he had parked. And then I saw a motorcycle down the street. “You rode all the way from Georgia to here?” I asked as my breath hitched and all the excitement I had possessed dissipated.

“I hadn’t been on a long haul in a while. I thought I could use the time to think.” His chewed his bottom lip and he stopped walking. “Fuck. I didn’t even think if you would be okay with it. I mean, I didn’t imagine you wanting to talk to me, least of all wanting to come with me.”

“It’s okay.”

The truth was that I hadn’t been on a motorcycle since that fateful night with Johnny. When I was with Rev in Georgia, I had been around them, but I had never ridden one. I had been too afraid it might trigger some of my old memories.

And I had been right. Although Rev squeezed my hand reassuringly, I fought an inner battle against the heart-racing, chest-heaving anxiety and fear that threatened to overtake me all because of a motorcycle. Searching my mind, I recalled the words my therapist had given me to use when I came in contact with an emotional trigger. You have a choice. You are safe. You are not in danger. You always have a choice.

At what he must have realized was my emotional turmoil, Rev said, “Look. You do not have to get on my bike. I can get us a cab to the hotel.”

I was touched and maybe a little tempted by his offer. But considering that the man I loved was a biker, I knew this was something I had to conquer. “I’ll be fine.”

Always the gentleman, Rev took off his coat jacket and handed it to me. “Are you sure you want to do this? I wish you had at least stopped for a coat. It’s cold now, but it’s going to be hell once we get started.”

“I’m sure I’ll survive.”

Rev handed me his helmet, and I slid it on. I then tried hiking up the hem of my ball gown as best I could. When Rev chuckled, I wagged a finger at him. “I’d love to see you try to maneuver in this thing.”

“If it’s any consolation, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you more beautiful than you are in that dress.”

I momentarily stopped fidgeting to look up at him and smile. “Thank you.” Yet again, Rev showed his caring side with just a small compliment to put me at ease.

Once I had gotten the dress up as best I could, I eased onto the seat of the bike. After I was in place, Rev got on. I brought my hands around his waist and snuggled against his back. It felt so good to get to hold him again. I had missed the feel of him over the last few months.

While it had been unseasonably warm for December, it might as well have been subzero given how cold I was once we got started. When we got to the first red light, Rev turned around to see how I was doing. I guess my shivering and teeth chattering told him all he needed to know. “My hotel isn’t far. Hang in there. Okay?”

“I-I’ll t-try,” I stuttered.

Thankfully, it wasn’t too much farther. I was also grateful that Rev had chosen a hotel with rooms inside, rather than a motel like I had been taken to that night with Johnny. When the bike came to a stop, I didn’t want to pry myself away from the small amount of warmth I was getting from Rev.

I whimpered when he got off. After he took my hand, he frowned. “Jesus, Annabel, you’re like a block of ice. Let’s get you inside and warm you up.”

He wasn’t going to get any protests from me. After tucking me to his side, he hurried us into the lobby and onto an elevator. When the elevator dinged on the fifth floor, he dug his key card out of his pants pocket and led me out into the hallway. He unlocked the third door on the right and ushered me inside.

Instead of letting me go, he continued on through the bathroom. After flipping the toilet seat down, he eased me onto it.

“What are you doing?”

“Getting you into the shower.” At what must’ve been my skeptical expression, he added, “It’s the fastest way to get you warm.”

“I see,” I murmured.

He made quick work of turning on the water and testing it with his fingers. When it seemed to his satisfaction, he turned back to me. I still sat on the toilet, shivering and trembling.

We stared at each other for a moment. Rev jerked a hand through his hair. “Yeah, uh, I guess I better let you get in now.”

When he started to go, I grabbed his arm. “Wait. I need help getting out of this dress.”

His eyes flared at my request. It wasn’t a come-on in disguise. I had needed the help of one of our maids earlier that night to get it zipped.

Instead of asking me to stand up, Rev bent over my back, bringing his hands to the zipper. Slowly, he tugged it down. As the front gaped open, I didn’t bother trying to cover myself.

Rev’s hands momentarily faltered, and when I looked up, I met his gaze, which was fixed on my bare breasts. I hadn’t needed to wear a bra because of the tight-fitting bodice. He cleared his throat several times, then tugged the zipper the rest of the way down.

There was not a doubt in my mind, heart, or body about how much I wanted him. I knew he expected me to want to take things slow in the sex department, but that’s not how I felt. Regardless of the ghosts of the past, I wanted him more than I had ever wanted any man. I wanted him to be the one who proved to me that sex was physically and emotionally safe. That it could be a loving act between two consenting people.

But with the roller coaster of feelings rocketing through me, it was more about an all-consuming lust and desire.