Текст книги "Bad Reputation"

Автор книги: K. B. Nelson

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Текущая страница: 12 (всего у книги 13 страниц)

30

For the thirtieth time today, my phone rings, vibrating against the grey cloth seat beside me. For the twenty-ninth time today, I grab the phone and decline the call. Brick is desperate to reach me, but I’m even more desperate to keep him out of my way.

I’ve made up my mind, and I’m leaving today with Jensen. I don’t know for how long, or where exactly we’re going, but I know it’s the only thing that makes sense. But it can be easily undone with one glimpse of my past in the rearview mirror.

Brick has to stay behind me at all times.

The gas light indicator has been flashing for the last five miles. I’m already running behind schedule to meet Jensen at the airport, but I’m going to have to pull over soon. I take a sharp right turn into a franchised gas station and pull up to the pump.

I pop the door open and slide out of the car and onto the pavement. There’s a white note taped over the card reader: Pay Inside.

I groan to myself, slam the car door shut and rush past a line of pumps. An elderly man holds the glass door open and I jog into the convenience store, taking my place behind the one-person line.

My fingers tap against my short shorts as I wait impatiently and check my phone for the time. The home screen fades away into another incoming call from Brick. I swipe my finger across the phone, denying him access to me once more.

When the tall man in front of me is done paying for his goods—two energy drinks and a pack of skittles—he turns to me, and I’m back at square one, facing my past.

“Apple,” Dom says with a glowing smile. “I haven’t seen you in forever.”

I can see my ghostly reflection in the mirror behind the cashier, full of guilt and beyond tired. “Hi.”

“How are you?” He pushes his fist against my shoulder playfully. “Still kicking ass and taking names?”

“Something like that.” I force a smile and step up to the register, handing the cashier a twenty and pointing to my car. “Twenty on pump four.”

“You’re all set,” the kind man behind the register says and smiles.

I march past Dom and push through the doors. He follows close behind and I wish he would leave me alone.

“Are you in a rush?” he asks from behind me.

I reach the pump, make my selection and grab the nozzle. “I’m running behind.”

“I’ll leave you alone as soon as you’re done pumping.” He raises his hand in the air. “Swear to God.”

I push the nozzle into the tank of the car and flip the switch so it’ll do all the work by itself. “I’m leaving town, Dom.”

He jerks his head back, confused. “Don’t you have classes?”

My tongue brushes nervously across my lips. “I have to get out of this place,” I stammer. “I have to do it before I’m unable to.”

“What’s going on?”

“You’re a good guy, and that’s why I’m going to tell you this.” I tap my foot, look away and let out a deep, long exhale. “You remember that video of you that was released.”

“How could I forget?” The pain we caused him all those years ago is still visible when darkness passes over his eyes. “I still can’t bring myself to step back onto that campus.”

My lips tremble, preparing for a revelation that could leave one more victim in the dust of my sordid past. “Your brother and I were the ones who released it.”

“No.” He snorts and shakes his head, but a knowing look falls upon his face. “No. I don’t believe you.”

“I was in love with Mason in high school,” I continue, but my heart breaks into tiny shards of glass as I watch the truth sink into him. “Brick used you to get to him. I could have stopped it, but I didn’t.”

He’s quiet. Silent. Jensen was wrong, I guess. Silence isn’t always beautiful. Right now, it feels like the death knell to my soul. “You were supposed to be my friend.” His lips shake and he bats a finger against his eye. “And Brick?”

“I know it doesn’t mean anything, but I’m sorry.”

“Get in that car and go wherever the fuck it is that you’re going.” His voice is crying, but no tears fall upon his cheeks. I know that feeling, when you’re so consumed with rage that you wipe away the tears that aren’t there. The fire of anger burns them into vapor before they are born into existence. “I’ll deal with my brother.”

“I’m sorry,” I reiterate in the softest voice in my arsenal. This feels like it’s the last stop on my city-wide apology tour. Those two words seem to lose more meaning with every instance.

“I’ll forgive you someday, but right now…” He shakes his head again and backs away from the car. “You need to get out of my face before I do something stupid.”

I nod in understanding and hurry into my car. I’m going to be late, but at this point… It doesn’t even matter.

31

When I pull up to the curb at the airport, I still haven’t figured out what I’m going to say. In my head, I know what needs to be said, but my thoughts are so jumbled, it’ll be a miracle if I’m able to get one word out.

I see Jensen waiting for me, with everything he’ll need packed into a single suitcase. He smiles and shakes his head, like he’s in disbelief I was actually going to show. This should be the start of something new, but I’m about to steer this relationship into something old.

I push the shifter into park and climb out of the car.

“Pop your trunk and I’ll get your bags.”

“Wait,” I say and circle around the car. “I can’t go with you.”

“What?” His throat tenses and his eyes jump in his head. “I don’t accept that.”

“Everywhere I go, I leave a trail of destruction in my wake.” In the last few weeks alone; Jensen, Cece, Tyra, and Brick have all suffered because of my actions. Brick isn’t innocent, I’m not turning a blind eye to what he’s done, but he’s a part of this. “I’ve hurt too many people, and if I leave here today with you, then it’s as if I’m saying I forgive myself. Leaving with you would be a reward for my bad behavior.”

“Don’t do this to me…”

“I can’t forgive myself for what I’ve done, so it has to be this way.”

“Your past is your past for a reason.”

“But it will always be there, suffocating me.” I’m desperate in trying to make him understand. “These games I have played with people’s lives have defined me for so long now.”

“You can’t let go of it. You can’t live without it.” He shakes his head and pinches his fingers against his temple. “It’s toxic and you crave it.”

He’s right. I feel hollow when I’m not playing these stupid games. But it was never about hurting others—not really. It was about power. Something I have always craved. Something I have always needed. I can’t make sense of the world without it. Running into Dom was the perfect reminder of that. So I say nothing, because it’s easier this way.

“I know that deep down inside there is a girl who can love unconditionally. A girl who isn’t so jaded because the world has fucked her seven ways to Sunday. But you don’t want to meet her. She terrifies you, and that’s so sad, because I’ve met her and she’s the most beautiful woman in this world.” His smile is enough to turn any girl’s world upside down, but the problem is that I’m already under the surface. Drowning. “What does Brick have on you? Do you love him?”

“He’s the reason I am the way I am,” I say with such conviction, but can barely get the words out without screaming each syllable. I owe Brick so much for everything he has done for me, to the point where I feel like I’m his rightful prisoner.

“Can’t you see what he’s done to you?” He tilts his head with his eyes drawn tight. “I want to see the girl you used to be before he got his hands on you.”

“I was weak. I was afraid of my own shadow. I wasn’t a part of this world.”

“You will never be a part of this world.” He approaches me and stares me down. Palpable hurt spews from his lips. He’s a preacher, and all he needs is for me to listen. Maybe he can change my mind, that’s what he’s thinking. “People like you and Brick don’t belong because you don’t want to belong. But people can change—“

“I don’t.” I look him straight into the eyes, and call me crazy, but I can see my own reflection in the thin glazing that coats his oceanic orbs. “I can’t.”

“Because you don’t want to!”

“Don’t you think I’ve tried?” I bark and spin away from him. “I can’t change because I know what happens if I do. I’ll get trampled on. My heart will be ripped out of my Goddamn chest.” I turn back to him, feeling the same rage Dom felt back at the gas station, but for different reasons. He was hurt by other people, I’ve been hurt by myself. “Do you think I fantasized about this when I was young? Do you think I wanted to grow up to be a heartless bitch? I didn’t have a choice.”

“You do have a choice. “ His voice is soft now, almost like he’s surrendered any hope he had. “You had a choice. Just like right now, you have a choice.” He brushes my cheek with his finger, and wipes away a tear beneath my eye. “You can choose to let it all go. Let go of your past and let go of him. I promise I’ll catch you.”

“You’re going to miss your flight,” I say somberly, already having said goodbye in my mind.

32

From the time I stepped out of my car—three hours after I drove away from Jensen, leaving him at the airport—it took me three minutes to walk from the sidewalk to my front door. Every part of me is sluggish—my body, my mind, my fragile soul.

I had a good cry on the side of the road about three miles back. The kind of cry that cleanses your soul, but when your heart is this heavy, all the filth crawls right back in. It tangles around your insides until your ability to breath becomes compromised.

It’s like a thunderstorm followed by the harsh light of the sun. The air becomes thick, and as everything dries, you pray for another storm to come soon. Sometimes, it doesn’t rain for months, leading to a crackling drought.

I’m all cried out. There is nothing that could push me past the point of tears. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not for the foreseeable future.

I push my way into my house, and Brick is there waiting for me with an obnoxious grin slapped across his face.

“Congratulations. You won.”

But I pay him no attention as I drift by, heading toward my bedroom. His jeans scratch against the fabric of the chair—my former throne which I’m considering burning in the middle of the street. “You bested me. You beat me by a fucking landslide. If this were a presidential election, I’d never be able to show my face in public again.” I can feel the weight of his shadow, outlined by the sun streaming through the patio door. “Now tell me, how does it feel?”

“I just don’t care, I suppose.” I stop in my tracks, too emotionally tired to trudge forward into my bedroom.

“Come on now,” he teases me from behind. “You beat me. That means you’re better than me at my own fucking game. You might have been fucking the teacher, but you…” I turn around to be confronted with a finger wagging at me. “You, the student, have become the master and I am burning with envy.”

“I’m done playing these games.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” There’s a clear difference in the way we speak. My words are almost silent, buried beneath the weight of guilt. He’s loud and obnoxious, almost demanding in his presence.

“I want you gone. I want you out of my life.”

“Is this about Jensen?” A crooked, funny grin follows.

“I loved him.”

“People like us don’t fall in love.” He cocks his head. “Well, I don’t. You do. But eventually you always come to realize nobody will ever truly love you.”

“Don’t you want a happy ending?” God, I sound like such a fucking child.

“I have three of those a day. Sometimes with three different women.”

I ignore his devious grin, and the cackling laughter. He is so fucking funny. I step past him and drop my keys on the coffee table. I turn to him, prepared to break free.

“You told me I was just like you—“

“Two of a kind, baby. Forever and always.”

“That’s where you’re wrong.”

“Don’t be naïve,” he scolds me. “You are exactly like me. Do you even realize what you’ve done?” He hovers over me like he owns me. “That man was in love with you in every fucking way a man could ever love a woman. He wanted you back after you cost him his heart and his career.” He smiles with insidious glee, and I go cold as the December air, terrified of the monster before me. “And you gave him up so you could beat me at a fucking game. You are exactly like me. I’d wager everything I own to say you’re actually worse. And the best part of it all is that I know you loved him.” He hooks me into his trap with one piercing look, and I begin to believe him. “Face it babe, It’s you and me for life. You can’t get rid of me because you’re obsessed with the power struggle between us.”

I’m frozen, berated into submission. I try to break free, but I’m stuck behind prison bars.

“No family. No friends. I’m all you have left” His touch against the flesh of my face gives me the courage to escape.

“I revoke the power I’ve given to you.”

He leans down and shifts his ear toward me. “Say what?”

“You have no power over me.” I find the strength to stare him down. All the pieces click into place. He’s nothing more than a user and an abuser. I will be his victim no more. “Not anymore.”

“You are so wrong. Oh,” he cackles, “I have the power. I have the power to destroy you. I have the power to own you. I have the power to do whatever the fuck I want, whenever I want.” He grabs me by the back of the head and pulls me into his angry embrace, holding me still so I can see the need for control glistening in his eyes. “You are nothing without me, and don’t you ever forget that.”

I muster all the strength I have and push him away from me. He stumbles over his own foot and crashes to the ground. “I always knew you were the devil.”

“Jump on and enjoy the ride, baby.” He rolls onto his ass and laughs violently—he’s broken, and he’s lost his connection to reality. I’m not the only one engaged in a crippling relationship of dependency. He needs me as much as I need him, but I have the strength to leave him behind. Oh, how I wish I had this strength three hours ago. “Take hold of my horns,” he continues with a spitting bite, “because it’s going to be a rough fucking gallop.”

“I always knew, but I couldn’t see you for what you are.” I reach for my keys and push them into my pocket. “You’re a lonely, scared little boy. You’re going to crash and burn.”

“It’s okay.” He winces in pain as he rises to his feet. “I’ll enjoy the flames.”

“You’ll never change.”

“Baby…” He smirks. “I don’t need to change.”

I step to him and measure him from top to bottom. “If you call me baby one more time, I’ll send you back onto your ass.”

“Big bad Apple, huh?” He bites into his lip and traces his finger along my breasts. “Come give me a kiss… Baby.” He has decided to test me at the wrong fucking time. I swing my foot and kick him in the dick. He bows over in pain, dropping to his knees and clutching his genitals as he howls. “You’re going to pay for that.”

“I’m tempted to say I never do, but you taught me better than that. I’ve paid too much.”

Walking away from him is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, because in some fucked up way, I’ll always love him. But he’s the worst possible thing for me. He’s a drug, an addictive concoction of poison and contempt.

In the last twenty-four hours, I have lost everything, but I still manage to smile as I wrap my palm around the knob of the front door. I’m free, in search of a fresh start where people don’t know my name. A place where my bad reputation won’t matter.

When I open the door, I’m met with a sulking version of the man I left behind. My heart flutters, and the sunshine has never been more indicative of the road ahead.

33

“What are you doing here?” I question Jensen, shaking my head in disbelief. His flight was supposed to leave an hour ago.

He answers my inquiry with a passionate kiss, his palms clinging to my cheeks. I want to stay wrapped in his embrace. I want to stay here with our mouths trembling against each other, but this isn’t the place. I push a steady hand against his chest, but his head remains bowed against mine.

“I was half-way on the plane before I realized I couldn’t leave without you.” He swallows a lump in his throat and takes a moment to breathe. “I couldn’t leave this place before, after my wife’s accident because I couldn’t stand the thought of doing it alone. Don’t make me do it alone.”

“I’m coming.” I nod my head and tears of happiness begin a slow trickle down my face. “We can go anywhere.”

I hear Brick laughing from behind us, and I twist my head to see him. “Happy endings are such a pain in my ass.” He rolls his tongue across his bottom lip and I’m terrified what he’s capable of.

“Lets get the hell out of here,” I say to Jensen and grab his hand, leading him down the steps and to his car.

“So that’s him, huh?” He jerks away from me, and stares into my house. “That’s Brick?”

Brick steps out onto the porch, and then down the steps.

“Get in the car,” I command Jensen, but he doesn’t follow my orders. After what Brick has done, I can’t really blame him.

Jensen marches toward Brick with purpose, meeting him halfway in an explosion of rage from both participants. One is justified in his anger, and the other is nothing more than a spoiled brat. Still, I can’t sit here and watch this fight happen. The sooner I get out of the place, the less likely it’ll be that I’ll relapse into addiction.

They circle each other while standing in place, taking inventory of the opponent across from them. It’s Brick who throws the first punch, knocking Jensen onto the sidewalk without much effort.

I rush to break up the fight, but Brick is too quick. He straddles Jensen, grabs him by the shirt and throws another punch against his face. Someone breezes past me and rips Brick off of Jensen.

It’s Dom.

This is turning into a shitstorm of crossing paths, a stirring conclusion where we must all pay for our sins.

“You’re not my brother anymore.” Dom tugs at Brick’s shirt, threatening him with violence. “You’re lucky I don’t kill you.”

Brick falls back into predictable behavior and simply laughs at his younger brother. “What are you so pissed about?”

I shake my head and leave the Valmont boys to their own devices, opting to assist Jensen off the ground. Blood trickles from his nose, and his left eye is swollen and red. “Where are we going?” I ask with a laugh, an attempt to lighten the mood and soothe the pain of being clobbered in the face.

“Like you said. Anywhere.”

He won’t tell me where we’re going, but we could be going to Wyoming and I wouldn’t care. We’ll have to return to North Carolina someday, if for no other reason than to face administrative punishment and collect our things. For now, I’m content to forget that part of my life ever existed.

It’s not hard to do with him inside of me. My back is pressed against a square mirror and I’m parked on the small sink of an airplane bathroom. My jean shorts hang from the edge of the sink while he fucks me.

He’s fully clothed, with his jeans and boxers loose around his ankles. With every thrust, his belt claps along the floor.

We love like we haven’t lost, and we fuck like rabbits. Sometimes, we even make love. When you live without something for so long, it becomes new again, and it’s exhilarating. With him, I have purpose—a reason to become somebody else. It could all end tomorrow, and I wouldn’t have regrets.

I let out a loud moan and he clasps his hand over my mouth. “You’re going to get us caught,” he growls

My fingers, crawled under his shirt, scrape along his back as I’m taken for a ride. I mumble under the weight of his fingers, lost in the throes of ecstasy. And as I come, he does too—our bodies and souls in perfect sync with one another.

We have a long road ahead of ourselves, with many more stories to be told and many more battles to be fought. The future isn’t my concern. I’m too lost in the here and now, glowing with the light of true happiness.

He falls into me as he recovers from his orgasm, breathing against my breasts. And I take pleasure in the way I’m able to hold his head against me, with no intention of ever letting go.

And I pray to myself that those whom I’ve hurt can find the same happiness that I’ve found with Jensen. I pray that Cece and Dom are able to forgive me, and recover the stolen pieces of their lives. I pray for everyone who came before them, and everyone who could have come after.

But most of all, I pray that Brick can find some resemblance of peace and reconcile himself with this world. Otherwise it’ll spin and continue on without him, leaving him to wallow in his own devious schemes. I was saved in every way a person could be saved by a man who needed saving of his own. I can only hope Brick will find that someone who has the strength to rip him from the darkness, and force him into the light.

I used to think love was something reserved for fools. I could never understand it, and always staved it off. I always ended up with a broken heart, and after the last time, with the quarterback, I embraced my reputation and swore I’d never fall in love again.

Yeah… I have a bad reputation, but even bad people fall in love.

Live. Love. Fuck. That sounds about right.