Текст книги "Off the Record"

Автор книги: K. A. Linde

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Текущая страница: 23 (всего у книги 26 страниц)

Chapter 29
PROMISES WORTH KEEPING

Liz didn’t see Brady again before school started. The primary was now a week away, and he barely had time to breathe, let alone sneak away to see her. She expected nothing less, though she did find herself wishing more and more that she could be there for him.

The primary made it hard to concentrate on anything else…like school starting, or her new research job, or the paper. Knowing that so much was on the line for Brady made her nervous and irritable.

Liz had tried de-stressing by hanging out with Victoria, but by the end of the day Victoria had claimed to need a Xanax to deal with the stress rolling off of Liz in waves. Even though Liz wouldn’t tell Victoria what was going on, Victoria still loved her.

By the time the Friday before school got there, Liz had totally forgotten that she had agreed to help Hayden move. He had called her that morning and asked if she had still planned to help. Hoping that it would get her mind off of everything, Liz had agreed and headed over to his old place.

The moving process had certainly been a distraction, as it was physically demanding, but it did nothing to clear things up with Hayden. They had hung out and joked together along with his track friends. When they finished the move, the group got lunch and Hayden drove her back to her car.

“I really appreciated your help today,” Hayden said, hopping out of his car and walking with her over to where hers was parked.

“I don’t know how helpful I was,” Liz joked.

“You were great. Everyone thought so.” He smiled his charming smile and moved closer to her.

“Well, I’m glad I could help. Thankfully I don’t have to move or else I’d be calling up you and all your friends to help me.”

“You know I’d help,” Hayden said.

He moved forward to wrap his arms around her, and Liz backed up quickly. “I’m in desperate need of a shower,” she said, embarrassed.

She just couldn’t have him touch her. She felt bad enough about D.C. She couldn’t lead him on to believe this was going anywhere as long as she was still trying to figure things out with Brady.

“Oh, me too,” Hayden said, as if he hadn’t been trying to get closer to her.

“I’ll, uh…see you around,” she said, unlocking the door. “We start on Monday?”

Hayden nodded. “I’ll be in Sunday to finalize the first run, but I’ll see you on Monday, unless you wanted to get together sometime this weekend.”

Damn he was good. He made it seem so offhand…almost as if he wasn’t asking her out. Almost.

“I think Monday is probably best. I have to get ready for school and my new job, but thanks…”

“Well, Monday then,” Hayden said, tucking a lock of her hair behind her ear, with a smile before walking to his car.

Liz opened her door and sank into the car with a huff. She had just turned down Hayden Lane.

She had never guessed she would be in this position. And she had the strange realization that he probably would ask her out again. Maybe he even thought she was playing hard to get or something after D.C. She needed to figure out what she was going to do about that, because she couldn’t keep obsessing so much over what she would do if he came on to her again.

The weekend rolled by undeterred by any other mishaps, and soon Liz was back on campus, walking among the familiar brick buildings with Victoria. She had missed the madness of the beginning of the school year. Students were wandering all over campus. Freshmen were holding out maps, trying to find where their classrooms were, and looking winded from walking up the massive hill on Stadium Drive from the dorms. Upperclassmen milled around the Pit, handing out fliers and trying to cajole freshmen into joining their student organization. It was a madhouse, but with an energy and brilliance that few other places rivaled.

Still, she found that what she had missed most of all was walking over to a newspaper bin, picking up a fresh paper, and seeing all of the hard work her friends had put into the first issue. Liz had written her article for that first week a long time ago…the same paper she had received an A+ on from Professor Mires…the same article Brady had given her the idea for. Hayden had said that he was going to run it the first day, since that had the most traffic, and Liz was eager to see her name in print once more.

“You are much too happy that school has started again,” Victoria said as they walked through the crowd in the Pit.

Liz shrugged. It was probably true. She’d had too much time to herself recently to think, and she was glad to have something to do to get her mind off Brady.

“Aren’t you glad to be in the lab?” Liz asked. “Plus, there are so many more TAs now.”

“That’s a fair point, but not good enough. I’d rather be out at the pool than in a classroom.”

Liz rolled her eyes. “Says the woman who is taking eighteen hours, and four of those classes are sciences.”

“I like science. Nothing wrong with that, Miss Journalism,” Victoria said in a high snooty voice.

“Vic, you’re brilliant,” Liz said, throwing her arm over Victoria’s shoulders.

“Of course I am,” she responded, raising her eyebrows.

Liz shook her head, laughing lightly. It felt good to be carefree…to feel as if she was in college again.

Victoria snagged them an empty table while Liz fetched the first paper of the semester. She stuffed it under her arm and zigzagged back to her friend. Sinking into a chair, Liz pushed her blond hair off of her neck and laid the paper flat in front of her.

She froze when she saw the front page. Her vision blurred and she felt her body sway.

There on the front page was a picture of her and Hayden in D.C. It was the one that they had gotten a stranger to take for them so they could both be in the shot. She remembered vaguely an email going out asking about what people had done over the summer. Liz had brushed it off, since she couldn’t tell anyone about her summer. She hadn’t thought twice about it.

She couldn’t believe this was happening. Brady had told her to be anonymous. He had told her not to get her picture in the paper. And now here she was with a job lined up to work with reporters all over the country, and her picture with another guy front and center. Liz knew she was probably overreacting, but she hadn’t told Brady whom she had visited in D.C., and she certainly hadn’t expected for that picture to surface.

“Earth to Liz,” Victoria said, waving her hand in front of her face.

“What?” she asked, coming out of her trance.

“Is something wrong? You’re white as a ghost.”

“I, uh…made the front page,” Liz said, turning to face the paper to Victoria.

“That’s fucking awesome. So cool.” She bent over the picture and read the little caption. “You and Hayden look great together.”

Victoria glanced back up at Liz with a big smile still on her face. She dropped her smile and narrowed her eyes.

“Is this bad?” Victoria asked.

Liz nodded. “Not good.”

“Can you tell me why, at least?”

“I’ve been trying to stay anonymous…”

Liz knew as soon as it was out of her mouth how weird that would sound to someone like Victoria, who always craved the spotlight.

“Are you fucking serious? This guy doesn’t want you to be known? Does he even know you’re a reporter? Does he know that reporters are in the paper? I would come over there and shake some sense into you, if there weren’t so many people around!” Victoria cried heatedly.

“Victoria, back off!” Liz snapped, unable to hold her anger in. “He knows who I am. He knows what I do. He knows practically everything about me! There are reasons for the things he’s asked me to do, and I would do them a hundred times over.”

Silence stretched between them. Liz always had a cool temperament. Victoria was the firecracker who would explode at the drop of a hat.

“Fine,” Victoria said after a couple minutes. She didn’t look too happy about it. “What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know,” Liz answered truthfully. She should call him and talk to him about it before he found out some other way. She probably should have told him she had visited Hayden a long time ago. After everything, she couldn’t seem to find the courage.

Liz fingered the long chain locket at her neck and sighed. She had taken to wearing the necklace Brady had given her every day. She always argued with herself that it went with every outfit…that it didn’t have anything to do with him…that it was just pretty. But she couldn’t lie to herself, and she couldn’t keep from remembering that she had told Brady that she loved him. Now that the haze of that weekend had gone by, she realized more and more that he had never actually told her…

“I don’t know either. What do you want me to tell you, since you won’t listen to the truth?” Victoria grumbled.

Liz tried to ignore her friend’s frustration. The underlying tone said that Victoria wanted to help. She had to hold on to that. “I want you to tell me that it’s all going to be all right. That I haven’t made a huge mistake. That things will all work out in the end.”

She could see what Victoria was poised to say. She could read it on her face clear as day. You want me to lie.

But then she didn’t. “Everything is going to be all right, Liz…somehow.”

Hearing Victoria say that only made it worse.

“I’m, uh…going to go to class,” Liz said, collecting all of her belongings, folding the paper, and shoving it back under her arm. “I’ll talk to you later.”

“Please be careful,” Victoria said anxiously. “I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“I’ll be fine.” Fine. Ugh!

Liz hurried out of the Pit and away from the ever-watchful eyes. She needed to find somewhere quiet…somewhere she could be alone before her class. She knew she would be hard-pressed to find that right now. Students were crawling all over campus like ants after someone stepped on an anthill.

She wanted to go to the newspaper office, but she dreaded seeing and confronting Hayden about the picture. He had no idea what he had done by putting it there. And she couldn’t face him without demanding to know why he had put the picture on the front cover without her permission.

It was better that she avoided him entirely.

Liz just started walking. It was better to keep moving than to stop and contemplate everything piling up around her.

Secrets were going to be her downfall. Her secrets now had secrets. She couldn’t tell anyone about Brady. She couldn’t tell Brady about Hayden. She couldn’t tell Hayden about her anger about the paper. And all of it together felt as if it wasn’t just caving in on top of her, but it was crushing her.

Worst of all…it felt as if by holding on to all of her secrets, she was losing a part of herself.

Liz found a seat on a bench on one of the trails on campus. It was as secluded as she was going to get at this time of day.

She fiddled with her necklace, admiring the mix of charms Brady had picked out for her. The yellow gemstone always caught her eye. It signified the end of the campaign, but did that mean they could be together? She hadn’t thought to ask him in the moment, and now she thought about it all the time. If he won, could they move on from the place they were in?

It felt like such a small chance…such a small sliver of hope. An unrealistic, tiny sliver of hope.

And she hated having it as much as she reveled in the thought that it could mean something. That maybe a part of him somewhere…wanted them to be together.

She dropped the locket and reached for her phone. She knew what she needed to do. She couldn’t keep sitting here like this waiting for Brady to call her, because she knew inevitably he would. Too long she had let life lead her around, and she couldn’t keep sitting back and waiting to see where she was going to end up. Facing Brady wasn’t going to be easy, but it was the right thing to do, and in the end, they had too much to talk about.

“Senator Maxwell’s office,” a woman chirped into the phone.

“Hello, Sandy Carmichael for the Senator, please,” Liz responded curtly.

Pause. “One moment please.”

Liz tried not to roll her eyes. The secretary knew the name was a fake one, and kept reminding Liz by pausing dramatically after she used it. Brady needed to get a new secretary.

“Senator Maxwell is currently unavailable. Can I take a message?” the secretary asked when she came back on the line.

Liz sat there frozen for a couple seconds. She hadn’t expected Brady to be busy.

“Uh…just let him know that I called,” Liz said.

“I’ll make a note of it,” she said before hanging up.

Well, then!

Liz didn’t know what else to do. She would just stress over it all day…until he called her back…if he called her back.

Liz rose from her seat and let her feet carry her to class. She sat through three lectures that day, and by the time she left she felt even more restless than before.

Brady still hadn’t called. He was sending a message. One she didn’t particularly care for.

Liz made her way to the newspaper for their first meeting of the semester. She knew there was plenty to discuss, but she was sure that she wouldn’t be able to focus.

Hayden greeted her at the door with a smile, one she was hard-pressed to return. But the heat in his gaze, the pleasure in his smile, and his overall demeanor upon seeing her forced a smile out of her.

“Hey,” he said as she approached. “It’s good to see you. How was the first day back?”

Liz shrugged noncommittally. “Not bad. Not great.”

“Mine was about the same. It does seem to be brightening, though,” he said, looking directly at her.

Liz cleared her throat and averted her gaze. She teetered around Hayden as more people filed into the room. Hastily avoiding Meagan, the gossip columnist, Liz took a seat near the back. Hayden stood in the front of the room and greeted the paper’s staff. There was a series of cheers for the start of the new school year before he launched into all of the plans he had.

Hayden held a room captivated in a way that was entirely different from Brady. Hayden had a charisma and enthusiasm that seemed to radiate out of him, and he led by example, shouldering as much of the work as he requested out of everyone else.

It made the meeting exciting and full of energy, and reminded Liz why she loved all of this so much. She hadn’t even realized how much she had missed it. Working at the paper over the summer felt like isolation compared to the camaraderie that Hayden brought to the table.

Slowly, as time wore on, the tension began to leave her shoulders. She stared off, absentmindedly listening to Hayden’s description of all the divisions and heralding in the new prospects.

“And with the campaign in full swing, Liz Dougherty is going to continue to head that division under my supervision. Is anyone else interested in working for her?”

Liz’s head snapped up at that. She knew that she was working on the campaign, but she hadn’t thought that she would be working with anyone. In fact, she hadn’t even really planned to consult Hayden on it. She liked the niche she had carved out for herself.

Two hands went up, and Hayden asked the students to stand and give their names and year so he could add them to the notes his assistant, Casey, was taking.

“Tristan King, freshman,” one boy said, standing near her.

She would have to figure out what to make of these new recruits. How best to use them. This was now her new task.

“Savannah Maxwell, freshman,” another voice said across the room from her.

Liz froze, her heart in her throat. No. She hadn’t even seen Savannah in the room. Had she been that out of it that she hadn’t even paid attention?

Her eyes slowly drifted to Savannah, who looked so much like her brother. Dark hair and eyes, strong features, confident, thin, beautiful…intimidatingly so. She stared back at Liz with an unreadable expression, and Liz wondered whether Savannah could see right through her.

She couldn’t work with Savannah. Liz couldn’t spend time with her. Would Savannah recognize her? Would she know that she had followed her brother, been to his galas, written nasty articles about him…and more, much more?

“Perfect,” Hayden said with a smile that said that he, for one, knew Liz’s feelings about Brady Maxwell. Or at least, he thought he did. “Welcome to the team.”

Hayden continued on with the remaining divisions and talked briefly about things she had heard year after year—conduct, journalism practices, ethics, plagiarism, etc. They were all necessary, but she didn’t need to hear them again.

“Thank you all so much for coming to our first meeting. Please meet with your division leaders briefly before departing. If anyone hasn’t been assigned a division or wishes to change, please come up to the front and see Casey. I can’t wait for another great year,” Hayden said, closing the meeting.

Her new team members, Tristan and Savannah, picked their way across the room to stand in front of Liz. Tristan shifted uncomfortably. He was a gangly guy in pressed khakis and a polo, with short, meticulously combed dark hair and pasty skin. Savannah looked unfazed as she stood awaiting instructions. Knowing her brother, Liz expected nothing else.

“Well, welcome to the team,” Liz said awkwardly, since she hadn’t been aware she would have her own team. “I have a schedule laid out for the semester. I’m working with a professor in the journalism department on a research project with other newspapers, and she is allowing me to publish in the school paper some of the work I’m doing with her.”

Liz went on to highlight what she had already been covering and what she wanted to continue to work on. She broke some of the research down for them and assigned them both tasks.

Tristan took feverish notes and Savannah just stood there and smiled, absorbing the conversation. As soon as she was finished, Tristan zipped off to begin his project, leaving her all alone with Savannah, who had barely said anything.

“Thank you for allowing me to work in campaigns,” Savannah said finally.

“We’re always very welcoming to students’ interests,” Liz replied plainly.

“I just hope that your feelings toward my brother don’t interfere in our work relationship.” Her voice was calm and controlled, but something about her tone spoke volumes. She was much too like her brothers.

Liz didn’t know how much Savannah knew, but whatever it was, was probably more than Liz would have liked.

“Personal feelings toward politicians have no place in journalism,” Liz heard herself responding dryly. “I’ve been learning that lesson all summer.”

It might not have been the smartest thing to say, considering all she had gone through with Brady this summer, but she didn’t know what else to say. If Savannah knew only about the articles, then the comment would work as well as if she knew about anything else.

“I agree. I’m sure I’ll be learning that lesson in the next several months,” Savannah said, a smile finally touching her features. “I just wanted to clear the air between us before we started working closely.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Liz said awkwardly, wanting to end this conversation. “We’ll keep personal matters out of it. You’re just Savannah and I’m just Liz.” She stuck her hand out and Savannah took it. “Pleasure to meet you.”

“So nice to meet you too. I’ll get started on my assignments right away,” Savannah said, withdrawing her hand. “See you tomorrow, Liz.”

And every day after that.

Liz grabbed her bag off of the ground and hurriedly exited the newspaper before Hayden could find her. She couldn’t deal right now. She was going to have to work with Savannah Maxwell all semester. An ever-present reminder of the secrets she had to hold.

She felt her phone vibrate as she passed through the doors to the Union and out into the oppressive August heat.

Private number.

Great. Of course, Brady would call now.

“Hey,” she answered with a sigh.

“Hey. I’ve been in meetings all morning that I couldn’t get out of,” Brady said.

It wasn’t an apology. Just a reason for not answering. Probably a good one, but she hardly had the energy for it.

“I just got out of a meeting too. In fact, your sister is now working for me.”

“What?” he asked sharply. She had clearly thrown him.

“Yep. She showed up at the newspaper meeting and said she wanted to work on campaigns. So, guess what? She now works for me.” Liz couldn’t keep the frustration and pent-up anger out of her voice.

“Fuck,” he growled low.

“Yeah! And imagine my surprise when she asks me not to let my feelings toward her brother cloud my opinion of her! Could you imagine if my feelings toward her brother could do that?”

“She said that?”

“Yes!” Liz snapped. “I don’t know how much she knows. She doesn’t give anything away, just like you!”

She hadn’t even meant to say that. Where was her anger coming from?

“Are you still at the paper?” Brady asked.

“I just left. I’m walking home.” She hated that he didn’t respond to her outburst. She just wanted to rile him up, make him get as emotional as he did that time he told Heather and Elliott he loved her, force him to do something about those feelings.

“I’m in Durham and have an hour.”

He said it so matter-of-factly, as if he had already decided that she was going to see him. Well, of course she was. It was always better to talk about this stuff in person. But she was almost irritated enough to call him out on it.

“Are you going to come get me?” she finally asked when he didn’t continue.

“I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

The line went dead.

Liz ground her teeth and thought about chucking her phone into the side of the building. Goddamn man!

When Brady picked her up, she didn’t know where they were going. It had to be somewhere close and private, because he didn’t have much time to talk. She knew Victoria was supposed to be at the lab, but they couldn’t risk her coming home and finding a politician in her bedroom. That would mean a whole slew of new questions.

“Where are we going?” Liz muttered.

“I don’t know. I’m just going to drive.”

“Okay.” Liz shrugged and looked out the window.

“Do you know what I woke up to this morning?” Brady asked after a pause.

“An alarm clock?” Liz asked.

Brady’s eyes darted over to her side of the car, proclaiming rather loudly that her sarcasm wasn’t welcome.

“Fine. No.”

“I woke up this morning to Heather thanking me.”

“What?” Liz asked cautiously. “Why?”

“For you dating someone else.”

Liz swallowed hard, but kept her eyes locked on him even as he drove them aimlessly around Chapel Hill. “I’m not dating him, Brady,” she said finally.

“Yes, well, I assumed that,” he said sharply. “However, that doesn’t explain why your face is on the front cover of the paper with this person…another guy.”

“I visited him in D.C.,” she answered truthfully.

Brady breathed in slowly. It was clear that he was trying to control himself. “I thought you were visiting a friend in D.C.”

“Hayden is my friend.” She hadn’t meant for her voice to come like a whisper, but the coldness to his tone scared her.

“Hayden,” Brady repeated the name.

“He’s the, uh…editor of the paper.”

The silence was more painful than his anger. She wanted him to yell at her, scream, tell her how pissed he was, but he didn’t. He just sat there his hand lightly clenched on the steering wheel as he drove through town.

“And how do you feel about him?” Brady finally asked.

Ironic, coming from him. Liz clenched her fists at her sides and felt the heat rise in her face. Brady wouldn’t even tell her how he felt, and yet he demanded she tell him about Hayden.

“He’s not you.” She turned her head away from Brady. She had already told Brady she loved him. That had to be clear.

“He likes you,” Brady said simply.

“It doesn’t really matter! Didn’t you hear me? He’s not you. This isn’t a competition, Brady. There’s no room for jealousy. Look, I liked Hayden for a long time, and he kissed me in D.C., and I can’t even look at him right now. Why? Why can’t I look at someone who I liked for two years before I even met you?” she demanded, turning in her seat to face him once again. “Because the only thing I felt when he kissed me was that I was glad it was out in public. It wasn’t Hayden I wanted. It was you. And if it’s not you, then it doesn’t matter.”

“You think this is a competition? That I’m jealous? I made it very clear that I didn’t want anyone else near you,” Brady said, his knuckles white on the steering wheel.

“It’s like you’re not even hearing me!” Liz cried. “I love you. I told you that I love you. Don’t you hear me? Don’t you understand what that means? Just tell me that you love me.”

“I don’t make promises I can’t keep. And I won’t hurt you with this one.”

Too late.

Liz recoiled as if he had slapped her across the face. His words hurt worse than she even thought they could. Her cheeks heated and her stomach twisted at his refusal…his rejection.

“Did you just come here to hurt me?” Liz asked softly.

Brady sighed and pulled over into an empty parking lot. They were on the north side of town and there wasn’t much traffic. He slammed the car into park and turned to face her for the first time.

“I came here to find out why you allowed your picture in the paper when you know it’s better for you to be anonymous. I came to find out who this Hayden person is when I’ve never even once heard you mention him all summer…though we’ve been together the entire time. And it seems I was right to come here and get my answers.”

“You were right to come and get your answers. I much prefer to see how angry you are at the thought of me being with someone else,” Liz spat in frustration. “At least it shows you care under that hard exterior.”

“Are you out of your mind?” Brady asked.

She could see his walls crumbling. His anger bubbling over. The emotions he so tightly controlled on a daily basis fragmenting and coming apart at the seams.

Brady shook his head before he spoke. “You’re the only person I’ve ever met who so completely disarms me. I feel like sometimes you aren’t looking at me; you’re looking through me. Like you know every single secret in my existence…like you know exactly what I’m thinking. That was exactly what I meant that very first day we met, when I told you that you were my airplane. You totally fuck me up, Liz!”

He pounded his fist on the steering wheel and stared out across the blacktop parking lot.

“I shouldn’t have pursued this. I shouldn’t have kept you around all summer. I shouldn’t have focused so much damn attention into this pseudo-relationship that we have. I’ve heard it every single day from Heather and nearly as much from Elliott since they found out. But I didn’t listen to them or myself. I said I could control this. I could have what I wanted and see where this went. And it only got worse.”

“Well, I’m so sorry,” Liz bit back.

“I’m not sorry. I’m furious with myself and you and timing and the campaign. Because the two things I want don’t coincide, and I’ve been groomed my entire life for the one thing that is so close at hand.” He turned to look into her eyes again. “I can win this campaign, Liz. I can make a difference.”

Brady took a deep breath, steadying himself, and then reached out and laced their fingers together.

“I know,” she whispered, her throat tight. “I know you can. I knew all along.”

“I have one week before I find out about the primary results. I’m working my ass off, working like I’ve never worked before. I can’t ruin that.”

His thumb circled against hers, and Liz’s shoulders gradually slumped. She realized what he was saying. He was saying what he had said all along. That when it came down to a choice it was the campaign. And it would always be the campaign.

“So…that’s it then?” she whispered. “You’re choosing the campaign.”

“It’s never been a choice,” he said, reaching across the car for her other hand and looking straight into her blue eyes. She saw all the love in the world reflected back in that gaze. She wished she could see it every day. “I’m stubborn. I want both.”

“Both,” Liz murmured. His hand cupped her chin and she leaned into his touch. She never wanted to let go, even when she was frustrated with him. “You want us to stay hidden. For how much longer? When does it end? I still have two years of school left. I’m still on the paper. You’re still in Congress. You run for office every two years. What happens when the campaign ends?”

Her hand instinctively went to the necklace dangling from her neck. The yellow gemstone mocked her from its place in the locket.

“Let’s make it through the primary first. If I win, then we’ll figure out November. If I don’t…”

Liz shook her head and placed her fingers to his lips. “Don’t jinx yourself.”

Brady’s lips kissed her fingers and then he pulled her forward toward him. Her heart was in her throat and she just wanted it all to be right. His lips found hers and she sighed into the gentlest of embraces.

“Let’s see how I do in the primary then,” he murmured against her lips before pulling away.

Liz nodded reluctantly as Brady maneuvered the car back on the road. The primary and November…back to the same place they were before they started this conversation.

Sometimes the decision about whether or not to stay with Brady felt easy, and sometimes it didn’t feel like a decision at all. And all she really knew was that every time she pushed Brady to make a decision…forced an ultimatum…his walls slammed down and his answer was written on his face like a judge giving the guilty verdict to a death sentence. And she was the defendant witnessing her judgment.