Текст книги "Slut"

Автор книги: Jettie Woodruff

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Текущая страница: 10 (всего у книги 20 страниц)

“I’m sorry I hit you,” I said as the tips of my fingers touched the little goose egg below his eye.

“That hurt,” he admitted with a kiss to my nose.

“Pussy,” I teased with half a smile.

“We doing this?”

I took a deep breath and dropped my head to his chest again. “Yes. We have to.”

“It’s nice out. Want to sit out here?”

I nodded and walked out to the fluffy love seat. The stone from my pocket kept my mind busy while Paxton retrieved his laptop and a blanket. I weaved it between each finger, hoping it worked. If there was ever a time I needed magic, it was now. The sky was a deep dark purple with a hint of amber and the air was cool. Perfect for the somber mood.

Paxton sat beside me and went to my email. Nothing yet, but we still had ten minutes. Knowing Mi, she wouldn’t hit send until the time she told me she would send it.

“You think she’ll send it?”

“Oh yeah. Mi does what she says she’ll do.”

“How the hell did you meet up with this chick anyway?”

“I told you. I went there to see Nick, not her. I just got lucky. Oh, I’ve been meaning to ask you about school. Shouldn’t we be shopping for that? I don’t even know where they’re going.”

“Um, they both went there last year. You bought their uniforms at the end of school last year, something about them discontinuing the skirts you liked or something. We have a meeting Tuesday with Rowan’s teacher.”

“Yeah, I knew that,” I lied. I chastised myself for adding unneeded chaos to my mind. Of course it was taken care of. I never met a more organized person than me. Except maybe Paxton. He could no doubt run a household without me, but I sure didn’t want him to. “Do I know what the meeting is for?”

Paxton leaned in and kissed my lips with a smile. “I guess you probably don’t. They want to test Rowan again. She was extremely bored in Kindergarten. They’re not sure she needs first grade. She’s doing everything on a third-grade level.”

“Yes. I knew that girl was a genius.”

“She is. Not Phi,” he said with his head moving from side to side, a smile forming on his lips.

“Phi’s smart,” I said, instantly coming to her defense.

“Phi’s a conman. She’s going to be a fun one. She can’t sit still long enough to learn anything.”

I chuckled a little with that. It was sort of true. “She’s a conman with you because you let her be. She’s perfectly capable of putting those tight pants on Barbie. I tell her to find something else for her to wear when she whines, I can’t do it,” I said in the same whiny voice Ophelia used to con her daddy into dressing her Barbie with the hard clothes and the skin tight pants you had to roll up her legs.

“I hate fucking Barbie. Who the hell came up with that idea anyway?”

I laughed ridiculously hard, but at my own joke. For a second I thought he said he hated fucking Barbie as in, he hated having sex with her. It was dumb, but it lightened the tension a little more between us.

“That’s not what I meant,” he instantly countered, knowing exactly what I found so funny.

I don’t know what happened after that. We got quiet and stared, smiles dissipating with the sudden change in vibes. Paxton leaned in to kiss me, and I met him halfway, parting my lips for his tongue. His body forced me to my back, and his hands went up my ribs on both sides. My fingers tangled in the hair at the nape of his neck while one hand rested in a fist over his heart, a magic stone hidden inside.

“We can make it okay, Gabriella. No matter what happens, we can make it,” he quietly said with soft words to my lips.

“I’m scared,” I confessed.

Silence, a deep breath, and the same fear. “Me, too,” he admitted.

I felt his body stiffen with mine when we heard the ding. The email that had the potential to break us.

“We’ve got this,” he promised with a reassuring wink and a quick peck to my lips. Paxton pulled me up and I sat right next to him, my magic rock in hand. I needed all the help I could get, supernatural or not.

Paxton leaned forward to open the email, sending his magnetic rock into mine from his pocket. It was sign. A good one. We were going to get through this together and come out better on the other end.

He pulled the stupid little rock from his pocket and locked it with mine while the video loaded. Hand in hand, heart to heart, and me tucked into his left side, we both took in a few more deep breaths of air. Courage for what lay ahead, no longer in the distance. It was here. Facing us both right in the face.

The camera sat in the corner facing the award Nick had won for helping a man with Alzheimer’s find his home. I swallowed when I watched him stand from his desk and walk toward the opening door. Our torsos from the waist down was all that you could see, but I could tell it was, me, Lane, and Nick, and we could hear every word spoken.

“This is Nick,” he’s the one who can help you.

“I said I would try, Lane. I can’t promise anything.”

Paxton leaned up on his knees. “Is that Nick?”

“Yes,” I replied as I fell into the same tense position he moved to. Elbows on knees, and eyes and ears on the voices.

“Where the fuck are my kids?”

I leaned up and hit pause, stopping it right there. “This is how it’s going to go? We haven’t even started yet, Paxton. I don’t know where they are. I just asked myself the same question. I’m assuming they were at one of the thousands of activities you had them in. I don’t know.”

“You were supposed to be with them.”

“Yeah, well, I wasn’t, and I don’t remember why. So, do you want to do this or not? I don’t see where any good can come from it if you’re going to be like this.”

“How the fuck do you expect me to be, Gabriella? You’ve been involved with Lane for the last year, and this shit. I don’t even know what you’re doing here, or why you’re not with our children.”

“I’m done. You have fun watching it by yourself,” I said as I pulled my stone from his, and stood like it was really that easy.

Paxton jerked me back to his side by my shirt, his hand went around my throat, and he told me how things were going down. Not my way. “You fucking did this to us. You’re the one that showed up here like this with all these lies and secrets. Let’s find out what you’ve been hiding. Okay? We said we were doing this together. That’s what we’re doing. Understand?”

I couldn’t reply with one single word. Not even a nod. My eyes closed, my throat closed, trying to control it, and tears slid down my face.

Paxton abruptly stopped, let go of me, and stood. “Fuck this, Gabriella. Fuck. I’m sorry. Fuck. I’m just so fucked up over all of this. You forget to stop and think about what it’s like for me. Look at what you’ve brought into this house over the last few months. How do you expect me to be?”

Words spewed from my mouth as tears slid down my cheeks. “This isn’t working, Paxton. Let’s stop. I can’t do this with you anymore. I bring out the worst in you, and you do the same to me. It’s not fair to either one of us. We can be good parents without one another.”

Paxton looked at me like I’d just punched him in his other eye. “We’re not quitting. No, Gabriella. We’re not quitting. Don’t you ever think you’re leaving me. You’re never leaving, not even if we find out that you’re the wrong wife. You did this. You’re not going anywhere.”

“There’s not a lot you can do to stop me, Pax. I can’t do this thing with you.”

I jumped a little when he moved back to my side, afraid of him for a second.

“I’m sorry, Gabriella. I’m sorry. I don’t want it to be like this. I’m sorry. I swear I won’t get mad. I know you don’t remember any of this, but damnit. It’s so frustrating. Where the fuck was I? Why didn’t I notice this going on right under my nose?”

“Paxton, I don’t know.”

“I know, I’m sorry.” Another audible breath, and Paxton hit play again, trying to recapture our position we’d been so comfortable with moments before. I didn’t feel the same security, my stone was hidden inside a tight fist away from his, and my body didn’t mold into his like it had before. It was gone. He knew it, and I knew it. I watched the theatrical on the screen in his arms, miles away from him.

My voice sounded anxious as I thanked Nick for trying. “Yes, I understand. I’m grateful for the attempt. Thank you.”

Lane’s voice was heard next. “I’ll stay with you until you’re under and then I’ll step out.”

“Thank you. I would rather you did,” I responded.

I watched the laptop, forgetting about Paxton and leaned up, absorbed in what I was about to tell him. It was obviously personal if I wanted him to leave. Nick walked me closer to the camera and directed me to the chase lounge. He talked to me about what to expect, the same instructions he’d given me the last time in Mi’s Zen room. Only this time, Mi wasn’t there. Lane was.

“How far back will you go? It’s just that one part that I want to forget.”

“Even if I can make you forget about the rape, that doesn’t mean I can fix your problem, “Nick explained.

“Wait, what rape? What problem?”

Paxton leaned closer and my hand fell into his again. Our stones collided and our fingers locked. “Shh, I don’t freaking know. Stop it.” I felt uneasy all of a sudden, like I was about to cheat on Paxton with him watching. I could feel the tension when we watched my eyes search out Lane, and then close.

“Yes, I know, but I think it will help.”

Nick sat in front of me but we couldn’t see his face, just a knee and a brown shoe. “We could try other things to help you enjoy sex with your husband.”

“What?” Paxton questioned in a shocked tone. “You went to Nick because you didn’t enjoy sex with me?”

“Paxton, stop. I don’t know any of the answers. Shut up and listen.”

Nick counted me down just like he had before, and just like the expert that he was, I was under his control. “Gabby, can you hear me?”

“Yes,” I mumbled in a faraway tone.

“You can go Lane.”

“I will, keep going,” Lane said in a determined voice.

“You told her you would leave.”

Lane’s black slacks came in closer and his body hovered above mine. “I will. You can cut me out before you send it. I’ll go. Keep going.”

Nick continued with the session, irritation heard in the way he spoke to me. “Gabby, do you remember when you lost your virginity?”

“Yes.”

“How old were you?”

“Thirteen.”

I had to elbow Paxton to keep him from talking. “Shh, I don’t know. Just wait,” I repeated before he could say a word.

“And you think it was a gang, right?”

“No, not that time. I was with Falcon for a long time. Almost four years. He’s the one I lost my virginity to.”

My body stayed in a relaxed deep sleep while Lane and Nick discussed my situation with me right there. Clueless.

“Ask her about Falcon. I don’t know who that is. She only said the gang rape.”

“Gabby, what can you tell me about Falcon? Are you afraid of him?”

“No, not at all. He’s in prison for life. He helped me,” I explained in a slumber, chest rising and falling with relaxed breaths.

“How did Falcon help you? What do you mean?”

“I did things for him and he kept me safe.”

“Safe from who, Gabby?”

“From the streets. Nobody messed with me.”

“Except Falcon?” Nick asked.

A sadness took over my voice when I said yes.

“Did Falcon hurt you?”

“Not really. I just did things for him, and he did things for me. He said I was too pretty to be on the streets unprotected. He was right. I didn’t want to be on the streets. Men always made me feel like I was prey. Falcon told me I was.”

“You did sexual favors and Falcon kept you safe?”

“Yes, until he killed someone. He’s in prison for life.”

Nick wiped drool from my lip with a tissue. That’s how out of it I was. Like I was on drugs. He turned and told Lane to leave again. “Lane, she’s going to want to know why I cut all this out. This isn’t fair to her. You said you would leave.”

“She doesn’t need the video. She can listen to it, and you can cut me out. If you would stop talking to me, you wouldn’t have to worry about it. Ask her about the next time,” Lane coaxed.

Nick groaned a loud breath and continued. “Gabby, when was the next time you had sex? Do you remember that?”

“Yes, it was for an initiation for a boy to get in a gang. Three of them held me while one raped me.”

“Did the other ones hurt you, too?”

Tears slid down both my cheeks, but my body never moved from its slumped position. “Yes, they all did.”

“Ask her about Paxton.” Lane whispered from Nick’s side.

“No. Get out of here. This isn’t what this was about.”

“Come on. Ask her about the first time she met Paxton.”

“Why? What does that have to do with anything?”

“I just want to make sure I didn’t have anything to do with her hating sex,” Lane admitted. “You gotta erase this shit though. It was a long time ago.”

“I’m not doing that, Lane. This was supposed to be about helping a girl enjoy sex with her husband. I don’t want to get involved in anything else.”

“Can you make her forget that? Ask her about the next time she had sex,” Lane pressed, this time taking a seat, straddling a backward chair, right next to me.

Paxton paused the video that time.

I snapped a glance toward him and frowned. “What now?”

“I don’t want to do this. Let’s stop.”

My constricted eyes accused him of the secret next. “Why, Paxton?

“This isn’t what I want you to remember. I hope you never remember that night.”

“What night?”

Paxton stood and ran his fingers through his hair. His body turned and his hands grasped the banister.

I waited until his head dropped and hit play again. My eyes went back to my lifeless body, and then up to Paxton’s as he turned to me, crossed his arms, and then his ankles.

“I’m going to ask you a few things that you won’t remember, okay, Gabby?” Nick continued against his will.

“Okay, “I replied.

“Ask her about the day she met Paxton. He told me she was just some slut that needed a place to stay. He said he fucked her the first day he met her. She wasn’t supposed to stick around. He wasn’t supposed to marry her,” Lane explained, voice anxious with a hoarseness caused by nerves.

“What? I don’t even know what you just said, man.”

“Ask her about the first time she met Paxton.”

“Gabby, do you remember the day you met Paxton?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Can you tell me about it? Think about where you were, the sounds, was it warm out? Were you alone?”

“I knew him before he knew me, sort of,” I explained.

“Gabriella,” Paxton quietly said, one last attempt to hide yet another secret.

I looked up, but I’m not sure what I was feeling. Confused as hell. “Why do I feel like this whole thing just backfired on you, Pax?”

“Because it did. This was the furthest thing from my mind. What the fuck is this?”

I didn’t reply. I turned back to the monitor with yet another what the fuck moment. Nothing could have prepared me for that one. No wonder Paxton wanted me to forget it. I spent the next twenty minutes reliving the moment I met Paxton. Nick asked my lifeless body what I meant, and my mind was blown.

I walked for miles, trying to get as far away from Ms. Porter, my gang-infested neighborhood, and my past. I only wanted to run away from it all. Forget everything that hurt, including my sister who I was sure I’d never see again. This area was under construction, new homes being built in the suburbs close to the beach. I thought my luck had changed, that the little cottage sat empty, waiting for me to show up. It was perfect. Close to the beach, and private. Nobody lived there, but Paxton, and he was hardly ever there. He left for work early in the morning in an old black pick-up truck, and worked on the only house that had been there before the other new constructions.

Even with my background, all the crap I’d just gone through, I felt like it was an omen. Like I was meant to find this empty house in an unoccupied neighborhood. Except for Paxton. The first few days I stayed in the shadows, never turning on the lights, and lurking in the shadows once he got home. The dark nights hid my silhouette while I stood right outside his windows and watched him work on the house. He was so handsome, so strong, and all alone. I think I fell in love with him the first time I saw him. He worked late into the night, woke early and left for work, and came home and did it again. The entire week. That’s all he did.

Although I knew I would never concoct enough nerve to talk to him, I fantasized about him being my husband, and raising a family in that house. I spent hours reading my mother’s words, poems she’d written in a notebook, and dreaming. It was all I had. Visions of a life I would never have with a gorgeous man who would never want me, it got me through the first couple days after my attack.

I was there for four days before he ever saw me, before I ever heard his voice. I wasn’t expecting him home so early. He wasn’t supposed to be home until later, like six, not five.

He ran up behind, startling me from behind. “What are you doing here? This is a private beach. You staying with someone?” he questioned, eyes looking up the beach to the faraway homes.

“My feet are in the water. You don’t own the ocean,” I snapped. My eyes looked up to his, and right back to my feet. Good Lord. His strong jawline, dark eyes, and his build, intimidated the hell out of me. I think I was afraid of him from the moment I met him, but it didn’t keep me from wanting him. I was fascinated. He wasn’t like the guys I was around. He worked, hard, and he was alone.

“Two miles. From that rock-point, clear down past that little cottage. It’s all exclusive to Prescott Lane.”

“Prescott Lane?” I questioned, eyes darting to his, and right back to my bare feet.

“Look at me. You should look at people when they speak to you. Prescott Lane is that way. See the houses? This part of the beach is exclusive. Move along.” His voice was stern, matching his cocky attitude.

“Sorry,” I said as I watched him walk away. He lifted his white t-shirt and wiped sweat from his forehead as he went about his business. His back was just as defined as the rest of him, and I noticed. Holy smokes.

My eyes barely met Paxton’s when I felt him sit next to me. His hand took mine and he paused the movie again.

“What, Paxton?”

“I’m afraid for you to go any further.”

I didn’t even bother trying to hide the sarcasm. “Obviously.”

“Can I just tell you myself? Please.”

“No, I don’t trust you. You’re going to tell me your way. I want to see it my way. I want to feel it like it happened, not some sugar coated lie.”

“What do you think you’re going to hear, Gabriella?”

I felt the rock in my hand pull toward his and then click. The thoughts of what I was about to learn came fast and furious, but nothing could have prepared me for that. Nothing at all. I hit the play button, taking in a breath at the same time Paxton did. I stayed in Paxton’s arms until I got to the part where he caught me in his cottage. It was late on a Saturday night, I was asleep in the bed in the corner when he unlocked the door. I didn’t even hear him until he was right over my bed. Paxton squeezed my hand and I braced myself for the worst while I listened to my faraway voice explain that Paxton had company, a guy he called Lane. I learned from hiding in the bushes that Lane was one of the homeowners, newly married, and there for the weekend to work on his own house. I listened to the two men talk about all the construction headaches while they drank a lot. I finally got tired sometime after midnight and snuck away.

“Are you fucking kidding me? Who the fuck are you? What are you doing in my house?”

I jumped up and scooted to the corner, terrified. “I—I’m sorry. I didn’t have anywhere to go.”

“Where are you from? Wait, you know what? I don’t fucking care. Get out of here.”

“Why? I’m not hurting anything. Nobody even lives here.”

“You think you can just move into empty homes. Get up. Get the fuck out.”

I jumped up and gathered what few things I had. My folded clothes on a chair, a tattered notebook filled with my mother’s crazy poems, and my toothbrush. That’s all I had. All I’d come with.

“I don’t have anywhere to go,” I cried as my feet slid into my flip-flops, begging for him to let me stay. I took one step forward, but my feet didn’t move with me. I tripped, landing right in his arms. I knew at that moment, looking into his eyes, and feeling the way he held me that I would have done anything for him to want me. It was stupid, and probably had something to do with what had just happened to me. Maybe a daddy issue? I don’t know, but I wanted him to want me. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.

“How old are you?”

“Twenty,” I lied. I was less than two months away from eighteen, but he didn’t have to know that.

The strong stench of beer hit my nose when I looked up to his dark eyes, seeing something else. A look I’d seen before. I knew that look. Paxton smiled and ran his hand down both my arms. I didn’t even flinch when his thumb brushed my left breast, but I was sure he could feel my heartbeat.

Paxton lifted my chin with one finger and made me hold his gaze. “How about I let you stay here for the weekend? I’ll help you out, and you help me. Sound like a plan? Hmm?”

“I don’t have anywhere to go after the weekend either.”

“Maybe we can work something out. Come on, let’s go up to my house.”

He didn’t really give me a choice. I mean, I guess I didn’t fight him, but it wasn’t like I had any other offers. I’d done it before. I could do it, it’s what girls did, what was expected of us, what men wanted.

Other than the waves lapping the sandy beach, our short walk was silent. I could hear music playing, but didn’t recognize the song. I didn’t really like country music. I liked the new pop, and classic rock. Jesus, I was about to pay Paxton for living in his house, and I was thinking about Avril Lavigne. I chastised myself for thinking about music when I looked up and saw him, my heart taking an instant dive to the bottom of my stomach.

“Look what I found. She wants to play.” Paxton announced to this guy, his hands moving up my shirt.

My breath caught when I realized what was about to happen, but I couldn’t help to notice the way his warm hands felt on my skin. Callused and rough, yet so tender. I didn’t push them away.

“What? Who is that?” The guy questioned with a confused expression, drink in hand, something dark with ice.

“Why don’t you tell my friend here what your name is,” Paxton coaxed from behind, hot words to the side of my neck. His lips felt amazing, and my body tried hard to react and fight it at the same time. I didn’t understand what was going on, but I was scared. I knew what was about to happen, but unlike the other times, I thought about doing a good job for him. That never happened before. I just wished the other guy wasn’t there. I was intimidated enough by one guy, never mind two. At least the other one seemed to be concerned about me. Maybe he’d leave. Maybe I could be good for him.

Paxton turned me to face him when I didn’t answer, lifting my chin again with one finger. “You need to answer me when I talk to you. Now tell my friend here what your name is.”

“Paxton, dude, what are you doing?”

“What? She’s a slut. It’s what she does. I fucked her two hours after I met her,” Paxton lied while he kept my chin pinched between two fingers and my eyes on his. “Tell him. Tell my friend here what your name is, and then tell him how you and I are trading favors.”

“I’m—I’m Gabby,” I meekly replied while looking toward Lane out of the corner of my eye, and right back to the floor.

Paxton laughed and unzipped his jeans. “Get on your knees, slut,” he whispered while his lips met mine. I did it because I didn’t know I had a choice. I did it because he told me to.

Lane protested a couple times, speaking about his wife he’d recently married, but in the end he was no different than Paxton. He did everything that Paxton did. He was the one to suggest the olive oil when Paxton couldn’t find anything else, and his spit wasn’t enough.

I was numb, I didn’t feel a thing, and honestly, it wasn’t that bad. I focused on the sounds of the ocean behind me while Paxton and his friend used me for their pleasure. The worse part about it was the time it seemed to take them both to be finished with me. The neighbor guy went first. I was on my back, outside on a table while he stood between my legs. He grunted first, jerking his hips inside of me, and then pulled out. The rest of his load sprayed my stomach while Paxton’s coated my face.

My eyes met Paxton’s while he hissed and shuddered above me, riding out the pleasurable waves. For a quick second, I thought I felt something, I thought he did. Like I was more than just a slut, but it was silly. I wasn’t. Not to him.

“Get the fuck out of here,” Paxton ordered above me, shaking one last drip to my nipple.

“She’s not going to tell anyone, is she?” Lane asked, suddenly worried about a wife he had forgotten that he had.

I gathered my clothes, and walked away, hearing Paxton talk like he’d just helped him change a tire, like I was nothing more than that.

“Nah, she knows better. I’m going to bed, man. I’ll catch you later.”

I stood, wanting away from Paxton, taking my stone with me. “Turn it off.”

“Gabriella.”

“So, it was always like this, Paxton? I was always nothing to you? Just a slut?”

“That was a long time ago. How was I supposed to know you were just ganged raped? I never knew that. You never told me that.”

“Why would I? You just did the same thing.”

“I never raped you. You could have said no.”

“Fuck you. Oh my, God. I fucked Lane in front of you. No, let me rephrase that. It didn’t sound like I had much fun. You watched while Lane fucked me. I never had a choice. Did I, Paxton?”

“You could have said no.”

“I don’t want you. I don’t want anything to do with you. I’m so fucking stupid. You’ve never loved me, have you, Paxton?”

Paxton stood and walked toward me, trying to smooth it all over with soft words and more lies. “Gabriella, I love you. I love you so much. Damn it. Why can’t you see that?”

“Maybe because I’m nothing more than a slut to you. How many of our other neighbors did you pimp me out to?”

“None. Stop, Gabriella. We have to talk about this, about all of it.”

I pulled away when he tried to pull me to him. “Don’t touch me. We have nothing to talk about. Don’t touch me, don’t talk to me, and don’t fucking tell me you love me,” I said while my voice elevated.

One last attempt to reel me in shattered in my ears as he quietly spoke. “Gabriella.”

My hands went to his chest and I shoved hard when he came toward me. The way he opened his hands for me to come to him was my undoing. Lucky for him, I was a lot slower. His hand caught my fist mid-air, but I jerked away. “Don’t fucking touch me. Don’t you ever fucking touch me again.” I have no idea where the confidence came from, anger I guess. I felt like one of those mothers’ who could lift a car off their child. It may have been a suicide attempt, but I didn’t care. I was pretty sure I could take him. I would have gone bat shit crazy on him had he not let me go. I know I would have. That’s how mad I was.

I stormed out of the room and to my own when he tried again. I didn’t want him to touch me.

Ever again.