Текст книги "The Temptation of Lila and Ethan"

Автор книги: Jessica Sorensen

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Текущая страница: 15 (всего у книги 19 страниц)

Chapter Fourteen

Lila

I’m not sure if it’s the fact that I realize I love him or the fact that I’m sober, but every touch, kiss, every time our skin comes into contact, I nearly lose it. I’m on the verge of combusting, feeling as though I’m tumbling into a wonderful, divine, unknown place. I’m starting to wonder if I’ve ever had a real orgasm. Probably, I’m sure, but I’ve never been coherent enough to fully feel it.

I can barely breathe and every single one of my nerves is pulsating with dread, desire, and bliss. I’ve never let myself be so exposed before, not since Sean, and even then I didn’t know myself enough to show who I really was. I’m starting to understand myself more, who I am, what I want, what I need. And it all ends with Ethan.

I can barely think straight as he pinches and sucks on my nipples, touches me all over, feels me from the inside and the outside, head to toe, bathing kisses all over my body. I don’t know how much more of this I can take before I’m going to explode, and he must feel the same way because suddenly he’s ripping the rest of our clothes off and throwing them onto the floor. When he slips inside me, I scream out his name as heat courses through my body, my insides trembling as he fills me. He starts thrusting inside me and I keep waiting for my mind to shut down, but I don’t want it to and thankfully it never does.

His muscles are taught, his arms beside my head as he rocks into me and I curve my back inward, bringing myself up to meet him, wanting more, needing more. I swear to God it feels like I can’t get enough as our bodies keep connecting, in tune with each other. The way he watches me every time I gasp in pleasure makes me feel beautiful, not filthy; wanted, not used. I wish it could go on forever, but I also want to reach the end because I feel like I’m going to lose it. As he gives one last hard thrust, I feel myself letting go of everything, the past, the shame, the worry, and it’s so blindingly intense, so overpowering, that I stab my fingernails into his shoulder blades, needing to channel the forceful energy somewhere. I feel his flesh split apart as I hold onto him, knowing I’m letting the rough side of me show through, but for once I just embrace it, embrace who I am. This is who I am.

He lets out a deep groan, his face contorted with pain and pleasure, and seeing the effect I’m having on him makes me rise higher until I completely lose touch with reality all together. When I finally return to reality, he’s stilled inside me. He’s situated between my legs, his head lowered onto my chest, and I can feel his pulse throbbing inside me.

He lays motionless forever, breathing against my chest, and the longer it goes on, the more nervous and insecure I get as I wait to see where this is going to go. Will he leave me like Sean did? Should I get up and walk away before he does? I don’t want to. I want to be with him. Forever maybe.

When he raises his head, I see something in his eyes I’ve never seen in any other guy’s eyes before. Ethan cares about me and he looks just as nervous as I do.

“That was…” He breathes in and out as he brushes my hair away from my damp forehead. “Amazing.”

I nod, because I’m speechless and way too out of breath. He smiles, kisses me delicately on the lips, then slips out of me and rolls onto his back, lying beside me with his arm tucked underneath my neck.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” He rotates to his side and places a hand on my bare stomach. “About the Parker thing?”

I turn my head to the side and take in his firm chest, his damp, heavily inked skin, his dark brown eyes that are actually looking at me instead of through me. “Yeah, I really am, I think… You made me feel better. Much, much better.”

He smiles, seeming nervous, and I’m trying not to think about how having sex is going to change our relationship. It could end up ugly. Or beautiful. Although, I’d love to be optimistic, all I’ve ever seen is ugly, with my mom and dad, with every guy I’ve met. There is only one exception to this and that would be with Micha and Ella. I want what they have, but is it possible for someone like me to have such a beautiful, pure love?

“Tell me what you’re thinking about?” he whispers as he affectionately combs his fingers through my hair.

“What’s going to happen between us?” I ask honestly and he presses down on my wrist, feeling my pulse, and right beneath his fingertips is one of my scars.

He pauses, searching my eyes, for what I’m not sure. “What do you want to happen between us?”

I swallow hard, reluctant to put myself out there, fearing I’ll be rejected. “I don’t know. What do you want?”

He inhales slowly and then lets the breath ease out of his lips. “You know about my parents. How they were, right? I’ve told you.”

I nod. “Yeah, you’ve told me stories. Honestly, they sound a lot like my parents. My dad might not hit my mom, but he cheats on her and yells at her all the time.”

He shuts his eyes, breathing in before opening them again. “I don’t want us to turn out like either one of them… I love being with you, even when you’re being a pain in the ass.” He tries for a light tone, but fails. “What if a relationship ruins what we have? What if we ruin each other?”

My chest tightens and I’m finding it hard to breathe. It seems like my scar on my stomach is getting more distinct and I wonder if he can see it more clearly. “But what if it doesn’t? What if…” Jesus, breathe, Lila. “What if we end up having something really good, like what Ella and Micha have?”

He presses his lips together. “But what if it does ruin us? Then what? We just walk away from each other? I sure as hell don’t want you out of my life. And I… I worry about you. The stuff you’ve been going through… It’s still so new and relationships can be very dangerous.”

Tears sting at my eyes as the feeling of being rejected builds inside me. I could stand by and just let it come like I did the last time, but unlike Sean, Ethan seems like he’s worth fighting for. “I don’t want how I’m feeling to go away.” His lips part, about to say something, but I interrupt him, deciding that it’s time to let him know who I really am on the inside, without the pills, the shots of Bacardi, without the makeup and fancy clothes.

“When I was fourteen and I went off to boarding school, I met this guy,” I begin, summoning every speck of courage I’ve kept locked inside me. “Actually, I kind of made us meet. I was feeling really lonely and this group of girls—the Precious Bells”—I roll my eyes at how ridiculous it sounds—“said they would be my friend if I hit on one of these older rich guys who liked to hang out at the library for some reason.” I can feel the ring on my finger weighing a hundred pounds. The ring Sean gave to me, telling me he loved me, whispering a false promise of loving me forever. Suddenly, I don’t want it on my finger, branding me and what we did together. I don’t want to remember his love anymore. Or him. Who I was with him. I want to move on, become a different person—a stronger person—so I slip it off and toss it onto the nightstand next to me.

Ethan watches me with curiosity, trailing his fingers back and forth across my stomach. “Are you okay?”

I nod, returning my wrist to his hand, and continue with my story. “I hit on him and he seemed to be interested. At first, things moved really slow, a few text and e-mails, but then we finally met up and everything changed. We kissed and for the first time in my life… I felt loved.” I pause, catching my breath. Ethan looks like he wants to say something, his forehead furrowed as he swallows hard but I keep going because I need to get it all out. “Anyway, to make a long story short, I was really stupid and pretty much would do anything he told me to do because I thought he loved me.” I pause. “The first and only time we had sex”—I bring my free wrist up, the scar on it matching the one on my other wrist—“he tied me to the bed with ropes, even though I wasn’t really into it.” I nod at my stomach and he follows my gaze to the faded scar traveling across the bottom section of my stomach. “And then… well, I’m pretty sure you can probably figure out what happened next.”

His skin turns white as he stares at the scars on my stomach and then his gaze returns to mine. “Those are from the ropes because some fucking guy tied you to a bed?”

I nod and then shrug. “It was my own damn fault. I told him no once, but he said it’d be okay, so I believed him and went through with it.” Tears burn at my eyes as I remember how confused I felt, how lost, how disgusting and yet at the same time loved I felt. “And it kind of felt good at first, but then when he…” I breathe out, letting the words rush out. “Well, he got really rough with me and I was too afraid to ask him to stop, too afraid I’d lose his love.” I suck back the tears, forcing myself not to show the shame I feel on the inside. Keep it trapped. “Afterward, he left me and I never saw him again. I guess his girlfriend, who I didn’t even know about, found out about me but honestly I’m pretty sure he was done with me… I could see it in his eyes when he finished fucking me that he was done.” I pause, taking a deep breath. “What made it worse was that everyone found out about it and told me that I was a slut.” I give Ethan a moment, because he looks like he’s about to freak out. “I should stop, right? This is too much.” I start to sit up, ready to go and give him some breathing room from my slutishness and depressing story.

“How old was he?” he asks through gritted teeth as he gently pushes me back down on the bed. “This guy.”

“Twenty-two,” I say and feel him cringe. “Anyway, it was a long time ago and I’m sure he’s completely forgotten about me at this point. I’m just trying to tell you why I am the way I am. I’ve spent the last six years popping pills and having sex with random guys because I seriously feel like I don’t deserve anything better.” I’m about to cry and I hate myself for it. I feel so ugly right now, but Ethan deserves to know who I am, what he’s going to get into if he chooses to be with me. “I’m fucked up, Ethan. I never feel loved, yet I always keep looking for it, hoping that somehow it really exists.”

He watches me for an eternity. “The guy who was twenty-two was fucked up. He should have never been with you, let alone tied you to a bed your first time.”

“I instigated our relationship… It wasn’t entirely his fault.”

“I don’t give a shit who instigated it. You were fourteen and didn’t know any better.”

I roll my eyes, more than anything to keep the tears from escaping, because he’s saying everything I wished my mother would have said when I told her, but instead she told me it was my fault and made me feel more like the whore everyone was telling me I was. “I didn’t put up very much of a fight when he was tying me up.”

He scoots closer, placing a hand on top of my rib cage, just below my breast. “Lila, everything about that story was wrong on the guy’s part. He was way too old to be messing around with a fourteen-year-old. It’s disturbing and wrong and illegal.”

“My mother didn’t think so,” I say, speaking more to the ceiling than to Ethan, my eyes locked on a crack running from the top of the wall to the fan in the middle. My vision is still blurred with tears, but thankfully no more are forcing their way up. “She said that she expected nothing less from me and then she handed me a pill so I wouldn’t have to feel all the guilt and shame I’d been feeling.”

He rolls to his side, putting his body above me, so his face is directly in my line of vision. “Are you being fucking serious right now?” Anger flashes in his eyes. “Your mother’s the one who got you started on those pills?”

I nod, startled by the fury in his eyes. “Sh-She thought she was making me feel better.”

“Your mother’s an idiot,” Ethan says, shaking his head. “Lila, seriously. That’s not normal at all. God, I hate this. I hate how parents are supposed to be the adults, and yet they act like children and bring their children down with them. It happens all the time and it’s ridiculous.”

I’m not sure what to do, all I know is now I’m worried he’s going to leave me because of how fucked up my family is. “I… it was my own fault for taking it.”

He shakes his head resolutely as he cups my face and grazes his thumb across my cheekbone, staring intensely into my eyes. “No, it wasn’t. None of what happened was your fault.” He stares at me for an eternity and I have no idea what he’s thinking, whether he’s going to leave me, what he’s going to say. Then he slides his hand down my shoulder, rests it on my side, and he pulls me against him as he turns, hugging me against him, our bodies pressed together. And it feels so amazing, just to be hugged, to know that someone cares about me, that he’s not going to run away and leave me.

“You deserve so much better than what you have,” he whispers against my head. “You really do.”

A few tears fall from my eyes, not just over my mother or what Sean did to me, or even how I spent the last six years of my life. I cry because Ethan’s holding on to me and for the first time in my entire life, I feel like someone wants to hold me just as much as I want to hold on to them.

Chapter Fifteen

Ethan

I would have never guessed. Looking at Lila, I’d always seen a beautiful girl, one who I thought had been spoiled most of her life. She seemed to always get what she wanted and did whatever she wanted. There were a few brief moments when I saw sadness in her eyes, but I never, ever thought it would be from something as dark as what she told me.

I hate her mother for starting her addiction to pills and I really, really fucking hate the perverted bastard who started this mess. I have a lot of hate floating around inside of me. It worries me, because my father has hate in him, too, and it nearly cracked my mom. But the moment Lila and I kissed I knew it was going to be very hard to let her go. And when we had sex, I knew I was done for. But what really did me in was when she told me her story, when I saw the pain in her eyes, the fear of being unloved and unwanted. Right then, I knew I wanted to take all that pain away from her. I think I can finally understand what Micha was always ranting about whenever I’d question his refusal to let Ella go, despite her problems. And I think that’s because I’m falling in love with Lila. Really falling in love.

There’s one thing I need to do, though, before I move forward with her. I need to see London, not to try to bring her back or hold on to her, but to say good-bye like I never did so I can finally move on. I’ve been clutching on to the idea of her for years now, over my guilt of walking away and the sheer fact that I wanted her, broke my rules for her, but never did fully understand her, no matter how hard I tried. I’m ready now, though, to say good-bye to London completely and Rae. Ready to move forward in my life instead of being stuck. And move forward with Lila.

I’m supposed to be booking a flight to San Diego for Ella and Micha’s wedding, but as I’m searching for flights I change the destination from California to Virginia. I search through the flights, feeling a lump form in my throat and it only grows when I click one of the cheaper flights.

I’m seriously going to do this. I’m going to let go.

And hopefully move on with Lila.

Lila

It’s time to say good-bye to the ring. I haven’t put it on since I took it off while laying with Ethan and I haven’t wanted to. Now I want it gone. Forever.

I decide to go to the nearest pawn shop, which is in walking distance from the apartment. I walk into the run-down brick store pretty much shaking at the idea of setting it down on the counter, not because I am afraid but because I am so excited to be letting go of it and everything that it represents.

I have my hair down, barely touching my shoulders, and a tank top and frayed shorts on. I look so much different than the girl the ring was given to, and not just because I’m older but because I’m stronger. I’m not some girl searching for love in all the wrong places. I’m a girl who found love in the right place.

I set the ring down on the glass counter, my fingers trembling, the cashier guy looks at me like I am a crack addict, but it is okay because I am getting rid of the damn ring.

“How much can you give me for this?” I ask, wiping my sweaty palm on the side of my shorts.

He picks it up and scans it over, pretending to only be half interested. Honestly, I probably would accept a dollar, even though I need the money, because it would mean the ring is gone from my life. Luckily, though, he gives me enough that I could afford part of the rent, food, and a plane ticket to San Diego.

I tuck the cash into my pocket, smiling as I head for the door. When I step out into the sunlight, my smile only broadens and it’s the realest smile I’ve ever had because finally I’m free from my past.

Ethan

I return home from work the afternoon Lila and I are supposed to be flying out to San Diego prepared to tell Lila about who London really is and that I’m going to fly to Virginia before I head to California to see her. Normally in these kinds of situations, I’d just pack up my shit and go. I’m not used to telling anyone what I’m doing, but bailing out on Lila isn’t an option. I don’t want to hurt her, and I want her to understand and be okay with it and for her to know that I want to be with her.

“Hey,” Lila says when I walk into her room, all sweaty from the heat of the desert sun beating down on me all day. She has her suitcase opened up on her bed and she’s folding clothes and putting them into it. Her hair is pulled up and she’s got a thin tank top on that hugs her curves and for a moment I just stare at her, mesmerized by how beautiful she is. “You should go shower and pack your clothes. Our flight leaves in, like, five hours.”

I walk up to the foot of the bed, watching her move back and forth. She’s gorgeous and still so sad, but the sadness disappears every time I hold her, kiss her. It’s been a long damn time since I’ve spent so much time with the same girl, or with anyone really, and it’s nice, new, and uncomfortable.

“I have to tell you something,” I say cautiously. Panic immediately floods her eyes as she looks up at me and I quickly take her hand. “It’s not bad. It’s actually good I think. But you’re going to have to trust me.”

“Okay.” She sounds very distrustful but sits with me as I guide us to the bed, our fingers threaded together. “What is it?”

I take a deep breath. “I never booked the ticket to San Diego like I told you I did.”

Her expression falls. “What? Why?” She pauses, looking uncomfortable. “Was it because you couldn’t afford it? Because I still have some extra money from some of the jewelry I sold off.”

“No, it’s not that. I have enough saved up.” I rub my free hand down my face, blowing out a stressed breath. “You remember how I told you I stopped doing drugs very abruptly, but I never said why?”

She nods, her eyes scanning my face. “Yeah…”

“Well, the reason why was because of something that happened to this girl I was dating,” I say, massaging the back of my neck. “We were pretty serious. In fact, besides you, she was the only girl I’ve considered my girlfriend.” I pause as she tries not to smile. At first I don’t get why, but then as I retrace my words it clicks. I just declared she was my girlfriend and not even on purpose. I could take it back, but it seems really stupid and not what I want to do.

“She was into drugs,” I continue, trying to stay focused. “Heavy drugs, like heroin.” I swallow hard as images of that day surface. Needles. Sadness. Pleading. Me walking away. “The last time I saw her she was shooting up… I tried to talk her out of it, but once London made up her mind it was very hard to change it.” I inhale and exhale probably a thousand times before I can continue, the emotions I’ve kept trapped inside pouring out of me. “I got a call the next morning from her mother, saying she’d fallen out the window of a two-story house. No one at the house supposedly knew why—whether she jumped or fell. She had some serious head trauma… amnesia to be exact, but her mom was really hopeful that’d it be temporary.” I pause, remembering what it felt like to know London was alive but that she couldn’t remember anything about me—us. It hurt worse than being beaten, yelled at, watching your mother go through torture just so she could stay with your dad. It was like London had died but her spirit was still walking around haunting me. “It wasn’t temporary, though, and she never remembered who I was or a lot about herself.”

Lila swallows hard, her blue eyes massive as she grasps my hand. “Is she still… is she still like that?”

I nod, feeling either her pulse or mine throbbing in my fingertips. “Her name’s London, which I’m sure you remember from when you caught me muttering in my sleep. Rae—her mother—keeps asking me to go there, hoping that after four years I can help London remember something, even though the doctors told her it’s pretty much impossible—that the damage is irreversible.”

Lila stares at me forever and it drives me insane because I need to know what she’s thinking and how she feels about what I just told her because quite honestly I’m perplexed as hell over what I feel. Strangely, I almost feel liberated, like I’m finally letting everything I felt out.

“She must have meant a lot to you,” Lila finally says, holding my gaze.

“She did,” I admit, tracing my finger across the inside of her wrist. “She was the first girl I ever really thought I might love.”

Lila swallows hard again, biting her lip, looking like she’s tearing up. I want to tell her that I think I might be in love with her. I want to let her know how I feel and that she means the world to me. I don’t want her to cry or hurt. I want her to be happy, like the Lila I first met, only this time her happiness will be real, not pill induced.

“Are you going to go and see her like her mother wants you to?” Lila asks nervously and I feel her hand tense in mine.

I press my lips together and nod. “I think I have to, for a lot of different reasons. One being that I never really said good-bye to London. I was always kind of too afraid to.”

Lila smashes her lips together so hard they turn purple. “Okay…” It comes out breathy. “I understand.”

Shaking my head, I bring my free hand up to her face and brush back her hair. “Lila, it’s not like what you’re thinking. It’s just something I have to do. I have to say good-bye to her, because I never really did. I just kept holding on to her, which is part of the reason why I’ve felt so stuck in my life. If I go see her, then maybe I can quit living in the past and move forward.” I take a deep breath. “With you.” And there it is. The truth.

I can tell she’s struggling with whether to be happy or sad. She tips her head back, attempting not to cry. “You’ll be there for Ella and Micha’s wedding, though, right? Because it’s in, like, a few days.”

“Of course. Micha would fucking kick my ass if I didn’t show up,” I say, wishing she’d look at me, wishing I knew what she’s thinking. “Besides, I take credit for the fact that their dumb asses are even getting married. If it weren’t for me, they’d still be trying to please each other instead of actually telling each other how they feel.”

That gets her to look at me and laugh and the sound of it is so amazing, I swear I could fill a thousand pages with words describing the beauty in it. “You’re probably right. They are both very stubborn.”

“So are we,” I say, thinking about how hard I fought against my feelings for her.

She nods, agreeing. “Yes, we are.”

“Yeah… we definitely are…” I drift off as I lean in to kiss her, wanting to lick and bite her again—wanting to be inside her again like I was the other night. We haven’t had sex since then, not because I don’t want to. I want to so fucking bad my cock gets hard just thinking about it. But after what Lila told me, I’m not going to push things until I know she wants it. Plus, I want to go say good-bye to London first so I can hopefully have a completely clear head.

Lila meets me half way, brushing her lips against mine and she instantly groans and clutches on to me. By the time we finish kissing, we’re lying on her bed, my body pressed on hers and I’m sweatier than I was when I got home from work. “I’m going to go take a shower and pack,” I say, my lips hovering over hers. I bite at her bottom lip and then suck it into my mouth before I force myself to move away and get up from the bed.

“Are you sure?” she asks, batting her eyelashes up at me as she grips my arms, trying to pull me back. “We could keep kissing and see where it will go.”

“Oh, I know where it will go,” I assure her. “But I also know that I need to pack and if I start kissing you again, I’m not going to be able to stop. I’ll probably want to keep going all night, over and over and over again.” My voice drops to a husky growl and she blushes.

Trying to pretend she’s not all hot and flustered, she gets to her feet and returns to her suitcase. “Are you flying to Virginia today?” She folds a pair of shorts up and places them in the suitcase.

I nod from the doorway with my hands braced on the door frame. “I’m flying out about the same time you are and then I’ll fly to San Diego on Friday.”

“So you’ll be spending three days in Virginia?” she asks, fighting a frown as she folds up a shirt.

I nod. “Yeah.”

She’s obviously uncomfortable with the idea and I feel bad that she is. But I need to do this. I know it’s going to be hard, finally letting go of London and my guilt after all these years of holding on to it. But I know I can do it, because I want Lila, want to give her what she deserves, needs, more than I’ve wanted to do anything else in my life.

Lila

I’m trying to be strong, but it’s difficult. I’ve finally opened myself up to someone and then he tells me about his one and only other girlfriend, who has amnesia apparently. I can see in his eyes that he still really cares for her and I wonder if he might still love her. It feels like my heart is breaking, until he calls me his girlfriend. That helps a little. As much as I want to be secure about our relationship, I’m still battling with my inner self-doubting demons. I’m still figuring out who I am and who I want to be. All I really know is that I love Ethan and haven’t told him that yet. And now he’s going to see his ex-girlfriend.

I’m feeling very bummed out and defeated by the time we arrive at the airport. It isn’t very crowded today and we get through security pretty quickly. His flight leaves a half an hour before mine though so he drops me off at my gate and then heads to leave.

“All right, you can call me for anything,” he says as he slings his bag over his shoulder.

I nod, trying not to pout as I stand near the seating area with my suitcase at my feet. “I know.”

He walks backward, dodging to the side to get around people. “Especially if you feel the need to.”

I force a smile, pretending I’m more okay than I really am. “Stop worrying about me,” I say. “I’ll be fine.”

He returns my smile, but he’s worried about me. I can see it in his eyes. “All right, I’ll see you in three days.” He turns around and walks away, and it makes me sadder because he didn’t even kiss me good-bye.

I watch him with a giant frown on my face. He’s dressed in faded jeans secured by a studded belt, a dark plaid shirt, and there are leather bands on his wrists. His dark hair is all messy because he took too long in the shower and we had to rush out of the house before he had time to do anything with it, although he didn’t really care. He’s so gorgeous and I wish I knew for certain if he was mine, but I don’t know that yet. These things take time to fully understand.

Once he’s out of my sight, I turn toward the section where I’ll board with my ticket in my hand. I’m used to flying first class, but I can’t afford it.

I’m on the verge of tearing up when I feel someone grab me from behind. I open my mouth to scream bloody murder, but arms encircle my waist and I catch a scent of a very familiar cologne and relax into Ethan’s touch.

“I forgot something,” he whispers in my ear, turning me toward him. His eyes are dark, his hair hanging in his face as his gaze drinks me in slowly, deliberately. I forget to breathe as he leans down and kisses me. And I mean kisses me, the kind of kiss that rips my breath right out of my lungs, makes me forget where I am, who I am. As our tongues entwine, it makes every single struggle I’ve been through worth it because they’ve gotten me right here to this moment—they’ve gotten me to him.

His hands comb through my hair and I breathe in the scent of him as I clutch on to his arms, wishing he wasn’t leaving me. By the time we pull away, we’re panting, my heart is slamming against my chest, and everyone is staring at us with silly smiles on their faces that I’m certain match my own.

“I’ll see you in a few days.” He kisses me on the cheek before backing away.

I nod, breathless and flushed. “Okay.”

He smiles and then picks up his bag, turning around and walking away for real this time. I still feel sad, but I’m twenty times lighter now, knowing I can make it three days.

“I love you. I really, really do,” I whisper so softly no one can hear. I want to tell him. I do because I think it’ll be different from when I told Sean I loved him, but I can’t quite get there yet. But I can feel myself headed in the right direction and that’s got to mean something and gives me hope that when I do finally tell him, things will be different because Ethan’s different.

And so am I.