Текст книги "CHAINED"

Автор книги: Jaimie Roberts

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Текущая страница: 7 (всего у книги 24 страниц)

Chapter 9

“How have your sessions been going with Dr. Reynolds?”

I smiled at Uncle. “Good, thanks. I think it’s really been helping me.” I wasn’t sure what she was doing exactly, but I hadn’t had nightmares for days and I was grateful for that. The only thing I found different was the way I felt towards Uncle. I had always been attracted to him in my own unique way, but I had been seeing him differently lately. It was almost as if he was the positive to my negative. I was drawn to him whenever he was in the room.

“That’s fantastic, Livy.”

I shuddered. Suddenly, every part of me came alive just by him saying my name. When he saw my reaction, he smiled and moved forward. He placed his arm around me, letting me inhale his scent. I moaned. I wasn’t sure why, but the smell, coupled with his touch, was overwhelming.

“Livy…,” he whispered. I moaned again. What was wrong with me?

His finger touched my lips, and I felt the tiny drop of liquid. I licked without Uncle needing to tell me.

He smiled brightly. “Good girl.”

He gently trailed his fingers down my neck, causing me to tremble. I wasn’t sure what was going on with my body, but it had come alive. More alive than ever.

“Uncle…,” I whispered, my breath becoming heavy. I was wanton beneath his intense gaze, and he could tell I was affected by him. It must have been written all over my face.

“You’re so beautiful. One day, you’ll be my queen. When you’re ready, I will give you the world. However, there is some unfinished business to bring up first. I have been a patient man, Livy, but it’s time you rewarded my patience.” Confused, I looked at him, but my confusion meshed with desire. Right now, all I cared about was when and where he was going to touch me next.

“Remember what you did with that fucking chump, Pete?” I gasped, remembering the day he showed me just how much of a monster he could be. The part of him of which I was afraid.

When he saw my reaction, he smiled. “You owe me for that, Livy. I know you want time. I know you want to go ahead with your little mission, but I need something only you can do for me. Don’t you want to please me?”

His words hit between my legs, making me moan again. “Yes,” I breathed, unable to hide how I felt towards him. My lord and master.

Grabbing my hand, Uncle pushed it towards his hardness. He hissed when I grabbed, closing his eyes when I started rubbing him. I wanted to do this. I wanted to please him. After all, he had done so much for me.

I owed him.

Above all that, I wanted this. I wanted it because my body was reacting to every single touch he gave me.

“Tell me, Livy. Tell me you haven’t sucked anyone’s cock?” His breathing was harsh against my face as I shook my head.

“No,” I whispered.

Uncle smiled. “Good. At least that one can be reserved only for me. I want you on your knees for me, Livy. I want you to take me in your mouth and swallow my come. Then, and only then, I will please you. Do you want me to please you, Livy?”

I nodded. “Y...Yes,” I stuttered, barely able to get the word out. He was stroking my arms in a way that filled me with fire. I wanted him to go further. I wanted him to take away the ache between my legs.

Uncle cupped my chin and looked me in the eyes. “I will teach you everything you need to know. You will have nothing to fear with me, Livy.” Grabbing my hand, he coaxed me towards his zipper. He gently squeezed my breast and swiped his thumb across my hard nipple. I moaned loudly and was rewarded with a bright smile.

As I guided my hand down into his trousers, I pulled his throbbing cock out and marvelled at its length. With my hand wrapped around him, I stroked, causing Uncle to hiss through his teeth.

“Fuck, baby. You know how to make your man feel good.” He gently pushed at my shoulder so I was kneeling down. Once on the floor, I looked at his impressive size and noticed how angry it looked. It was throbbing, aching to be touched. I wanted to touch it. I wanted to put it in my mouth. I had never done that before, but my body screamed at me to take him.

As I caressed his balls, Uncle moaned and gently placed his fingers underneath my chin, tilting my head so I looked into his eyes.

“You know what to do,” he whispered, as I took him into my mouth.

A couple days had gone by with no sign of Kit. I worried about him, and because I worried, I got angry. He told me he wasn’t going to disappear like that again, but he had. A part of me wanted to get over it and move on, but another part of me wanted to know he was okay, wanted to shout at him until my throat became sore. And, the irony of that was, my throat really was sore.

Four days later, I woke up feeling like I’d been punched over and over again. My throat was dry and my body felt weak. I still got up, though. I still went through the motions, getting the hot drinks and walking to the soup kitchen. I was supposed to work tonight, but I didn’t know whether I could.

Once I got to the steps, I sneezed.

“Bless you.”

I looked over to find Rachel sitting there with Wayne. She looked a lot better now. Her face was still swollen, but it was going down. At least she could see out of that eye now.

“Thank you.” I wobbled a bit and Wayne quickly got up to steady me.

“Whoa. Steady, girl.”

Rachel got up and felt my head. “Wayne, she’s burning up.” She took the drinks from me and placed them on the steps.

“I’ll take her home.”

I shook my head. “I’m fine. I just need some paracetamol and I’ll be good.”

Rachel took my arm. “Oh no, girl. You need to go to bed and rest for a few days. You’ve got the flu or something.”

I pointed to the soup kitchen. “I can’t. I need to make sure everyone gets fed.”

Rachel pulled at me. “Everyone will get fed. Now, come on.” She looked over at Thomas. “Thomas, tell Tammy that Olivia’s not well and she’s going home.”

Thomas got up and smiled. “Will do. Get better, Olivia.” He marched off and I looked back at Rachel.

“This is silly.”

Rachel shook her head. “It’s not silly. You need to get better. Now come.”

Reluctantly, I left, Wayne on one side and Rachel on the other. “Thank you,” I said to both of them.

Rachel shrugged me off. “You don’t need to thank me, dear. We care about you.”

I smiled. “You should have had children.”

She looked sad for a moment. “I did. I had a daughter. She would have been about your age by now. In a sense, you remind me of her.”

“What happened to her?”

She shook her head and sighed. “Drugs happened to her. She was only nineteen when she died. She was the only family I had left. A part of me died that day.”

I flinched, thinking back to that awful day Uncle found me lying in my own vomit. I could have easily choked and died that night. I was fortunate enough to have that second chance, but the life of Rachel’s daughter was taken from her, never to return.

I placed my hand on her arm. “I’m so sorry to hear that, Rachel.”

She shrugged. “It is what it is, and I can’t take that day back. Lord knows, I would love to, but I can’t.”

We walked in silence the rest of the way. Once we reached my door, I turned and thanked them.

“Don’t mention it. Just go in, take a bath, and get something to eat before bed. Please, take care of yourself, Olivia. For all of us.”

When I saw the sincerity in her eyes, I nearly cried. I nodded. “I will. Thank you.” They smiled and walked away.

As soon as I got in the house, I did as Rachel instructed. I drew myself a bath, heated up some soup, and popped a couple of tablets. Once all that was out of the way, I phoned Charlie to tell him I couldn’t make it tonight. He sounded disappointed, but wished me well and told me to let him know the minute I was better. After hanging up, I went straight to bed.

*****

I was shivering and couldn’t seem to get warm. I wanted to sleep, but when I did, visions of my father putting a gun to his head haunted my dreams. So I tried to stay awake. The whole time I was lying there shivering, all I could think about was Kit. I couldn’t understand what he meant when he said something about my husband not giving me what I needed. I had been going over that in my head for a couple days, but more so now that my brain seemed to zero in on that one thing. So I could either sleep and have nightmares, or stay awake and have daymares. Either way, I was screwed.

When I thought it couldn’t get any worse, I started to have visions that Kit was snuggled up behind me, trying to keep me warm. But no matter how comforted I felt, I was still angry that he ran away and didn’t turn up for days.

“You left me. I asked you not to go, but you left me.”

I felt his beard at the base of my neck. Funny how I could feel in my vision.

“I know. I’m sorry. I was afraid I hurt you, and I don’t want to hurt you.”

I sighed and closed my eyes. Suddenly, I felt warmer. “You hurt me when you leave me.”

He tightened his grip around me. “I’m here now and I’m not going anywhere. I’m here to make sure you get better. You were there when I needed you. Now it’s time to return the favour.”

My eyes started becoming heavier. “You have new clothes in the bag. Make sure the shadowman doesn’t get into the house.”

*****

I didn’t know how long it had been since I fell asleep, but when I woke up, the sun was shining. I moved, groaning when I realised how painful it was. It was like a thousand nails were digging into my skin. My throat was dry and sore, and my body was weak.

Remembering my vision of Kit, I turned to see if he was in bed with me. There was no sign of him and all was quiet.

I groaned again. It was just a vision. Despite how ill I felt, I was really disappointed. The thought of him taking care of me was something I would love to come true. Maybe my subconscious was being very cruel to me. I couldn’t stay awake and I couldn’t sleep. Everything seemed to haunt me.

I lay there for a while. I wondered what time it was, but I was scared to move. I was so thirsty, and the more I thought about water, the more my throat felt like it was on fire.

Deciding I needed to get up, I tilted my head to look at the time. It was after nine o’clock.

“Shit!” I shot up, instantly regretting it.

Moaning, I looked over, seeing a figure drying his hair with one of my towels. I screamed and the figure dropped the towel from his face. Kit ran towards the bed and placed his hands on my shoulders.

“Olivia, it’s okay. It’s me.”

He was leaning over me, a worried expression on his face. Without thinking, I lifted my hand up to his face, feeling the soft hairs on his chin. Kit remained still, watching and staring. Despite how ill I felt, his stares never failed to grip me. I noticed his hair was a little tousled from the shower, and now that it was damp, the colour of it made his grey-blue eyes shine all the more. I was so overwhelmed, I swallowed hard and the pain in my throat screamed out to me.

Pulling my hand away, I gripped my throat, wincing. Kit got off the bed and grabbed a glass of water.

“Here. I made sure you had some when you woke up. I thought your throat might get sore.”

I smiled timidly and drank the water. It eased the burn, but every swallow was like a knife being wedged down there.

“Thank you,” I croaked, looking at the time. “I should have been at the soup kitchen ages ago.”

I felt the bed dip and I turned, finding Kit sitting next to me, holding out something. I held my hand out and he placed two pills in my palm.

“Take those and I’ll make you something to eat. You’re not going anywhere. You need to rest.”

He got off the bed and was about to walk out the door when I whispered, “You came to me last night.”

Kit stood still, but didn’t turn. “You weren’t at the soup kitchen yesterday. I asked them why and they told me you were sick. I had to come and look after you, but I didn’t know how. It was a little while later that I felt something different in my pocket. I saw the extra key and decided to see if it fit your front door. I didn’t want to wake you if you were sleeping, but I was worried about you being on your own if you were sick.”

I sat there. When I didn’t answer him, he turned around. “You asked someone about me?” I was flabbergasted. Kit never spoke to anyone.

He nodded. “I was worried when you weren’t there. You’re always there.”

“You notice me?” I felt shy all of a sudden, but I had to know.

“I’ve always noticed you, Olivia.”

We stared at each other for a moment. I just couldn’t understand him. “Why did you always ignore me then? Why did you never say anything to me?”

Kit winced a little and grit his teeth. He sighed, then his face relaxed a little. “It’s complicated. I can’t say.”

This man frustrated me to no end. I wanted him to tell me things. I wanted to know who he was, but I knew he wasn’t going to give in easily. I wanted to press, but I could also tell there was pain beneath his sultry eyes. I didn’t want to be the one to cause more of it.

Instead, I looked him over and saw he was wearing a new pair of jeans I bought him. “They fit you well,” I observed. I noticed they fit him too well, but I wasn’t going to divulge that piece of information.

He looked down, fidgeting with the towel in his hand. “Umm…thanks. You shouldn’t have gotten them, but thanks.” He turned to walk out the door, then stopped and turned back around with a frown. “Olivia, who’s the shadowman?”

Every part of me stiffened, wondering how he could know. “I don’t know what you mean.”

Kit scratched his head. “Last night, you told me not to let the shadowman into the house.”

I cursed myself for letting that one slip. I must have been delirious.

“In my house growing up, we had a lot of shadows. When I was a kid, I used to think the shadowman would get me.” I laughed, but I didn’t think any of it was funny. Part of what I said was true, but the shadowman wasn’t in my imagination. He was real. He was very, very real.

He studied me a moment, then smiled. “That makes sense.”

He walked out the door before I could say anything more so I lay back down, my head pounding. Whatever this was, it was a bitch.

I heard Kit downstairs in the kitchen. It was strange hearing noises in my house without me being the one to cause them. I couldn’t help but smile. The thought made me happy. I was even happier with the knowledge that it was Kit who was making that noise. I liked him, and I wanted to be with him. Every time he gave me something, I wanted more. I was even starting to contemplate how I could possibly make him stay for longer than he probably anticipated. No doubt he’d want to be off the minute he knew I was better.

With that thought still running through my head, Kit appeared with a tray full of food and tea. “How do you normally like your tea?” I asked.

Kit frowned at me for a moment before placing the contents on my bed. “Milk and two sugars.” I smiled widely. “Why are you smiling?”

“Because I guessed right on how you liked it.” I looked down at the toast and saw he had put a dollop of jam and butter on the side. “Thank you for this. You don’t have to go to all this trouble looking after me, but I appreciate it.”

Kit smiled, and I knew that was him offering me what he could. I loved his smiles. They just made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I wanted to know more, though. I needed more.

“What do you like, Kit? What is your favourite movie, or favourite book?” I knew I had to skirt around direct questions, but this would be a start. I buttered my toast and took a sip of my tea as I waited.

Kit shifted a little on the bed. “I haven’t seen a movie in a long time, but I used to read a lot of books. I like James Patterson, Dean Koontz, David Baldacci… They seem to be my favourites.”

My eyes widened. “Really? I love those authors. Lately, my choice has been romance, like Fifty Shades of Grey, The Blackstone Affair, that sort of thing.” I stopped abruptly and blushed when I realised how dirty he must think I am. “I mean… It’s not that I… It’s just that I like the romance behind it. I’m not into that kind of thing. I’m not a red room of pain kind of girl.”

Kit just stared at me as I waffled on, my cheeks flaming red as I continued my rambling, “Oh god. What must you think of me?”

I put my head down, feeling embarrassed. I seemed to get that a lot around Kit. When he didn’t say anything, I bit my lip and moved my eyes up so I could see his reaction. He was smiling again.

“Are you smiling at me?” He started laughing. Actual laughter. Right then, I wanted to jump out of bed and skip around my house. It was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard.

I smiled back and pushed at his arm. He started laughing harder. “It’s not funny!” It was hard to act all annoyed when I was laughing along with him.

“You have such a wonderful laugh.” I smiled, but it dropped the minute Kit stopped laughing and stared at me. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.”

I looked away and took a bite out of my toast. After eating one slice, I picked up my tea. “You make a nice cup of tea.” Kit smiled and bit into his own toast. “How long are you staying, Kit?”

He picked his cup up and drank a little from it before looking at me. “Until you get better.”

I smiled back at him, but there was a sadness there. I didn’t want him to leave once I got better. “You can stay as long as you want.”

Kit looked at me fiercely. “I’m not a charity case.”

My posture picked up. “I know you’re not.” I sighed. “Listen, Kit, is it so absurd to think that I like you being here?”

“Why?”

I sighed again. “I don’t know why.”

Kit looked away for a moment, a pained look on his face. “You shouldn’t want me here.”

Now it was my turn to frown. “Why not?”

Kit got up and picked up the tray. “Because I’m not a good man.” He looked down at the tray and back at me. “Are you finished?”

I nodded and watched as he walked toward the door. Before he could walk through, I whispered, “I don’t believe you.” Kit stiffened slightly before making his way downstairs.

I didn’t know how I was going to get through to him, but I was damn well going to try.

Chapter 10

I was walking through my old house in Cambridge, looking for my father. I would be fifteen in a couple days and wanted to go out with some friends. Because we moved around so much, I didn’t usually make friends. I was hoping we could stick around this time so I could get to know them.

I was so happy at that moment because we had been able to stay longer than our average six months in this house. I was eager to see my new friends and was dying to ask my father if I could go. Wondering where he was, I started searching everywhere.

“Father? Father, where are you?”

I walked into our big kitchen, not seeing him there. I then walked into our living room, but all was silent.

“Father, please tell me where you are? I need to ask you something.”

Silence met me again, so I decided to search upstairs. I was about to climb up when I heard the bang come from his office. Panicking, I ran towards him, wondering if he had fallen and seriously hurt himself. Something told me the bang wasn’t a good one.

I ran through the halls, towards his office. “Father, are you o–” I opened the door and saw my father on the floor, a gun in one hand and his phone in the other. His head was bleeding and his lifeless eyes stared back at me.

“Dad!”

I woke up screaming and covered in sweat. I started to panic because I didn’t know where I was. I struggled as a set of arms held onto me tightly. I moaned and cried out, trying to get whomever it was off me.

“Olivia, you’re okay. It’s me. It’s Kit. Please, stop struggling. You’re safe.”

I instantly relaxed and sobbed as Kit held me from behind. He was gripping me to him like his life depended on it. I moved and he loosened his grip. Turning to face him, I snuggled into his chest and let it all out.

Kit started stroking my hair. “It’s okay. It was only a bad dream.”

How could I tell him otherwise? It wasn’t a bad dream. It was my harsh, waking reality. Something I lived with day after day. Something that haunted me every minute of my day or night. Thinking about it, though, it had been a while since I had that dream. It confused me as to why I was having it again all of a sudden.

“It was just a bad dream…wasn’t it?” When I didn’t respond, Kit moved his face away to try and look at me. “Olivia, what happened to your father?” He felt me stiffen. “Olivia, talk to me.”

I shook my head. “It’s nothing. It was just a bad dream.”

Kit sighed and pulled me back into his arms. “I don’t believe you, but whenever you want to tell me, you can.”

I nodded and started shivering. Kit gripped me tighter as all my bones cried out in agony. I hated feeling this ill. In fact, I didn’t recall ever feeling this bad before.

As my shivers subsided, my eyes became droopy again. How much more sleep did I possibly need?

*****

Kit and I were cuddling in my bed. His hand moved down my back, as if he was caressing me. He pressed his hand in the small curve above my hip and pulled me to him. I moaned, feeling how hard he was. His hand moved further south and gripped my thigh as I thrust my hips against him. I threw my leg over him and pulled him closer to me.

“More,” I whimpered. “Please, Kit. More.”

I felt him kiss me above my breasts and up towards my neck. “Oh god, Kit!” I pulled at him, desperate for him to release the intense heat rising up within me. “I want to feel you. I need you.”

I heard a growling sound deep in his throat and it made me shudder all over. Everything about him was making me hypersensitive. I thrust myself deeper into his crotch and moaned at how good it felt. I was trying to feel him in any way I could, but my hands were restricted. Why couldn’t I move my hands?

I wiggled a little more, trying to get free. Suddenly, my hand appeared, and I started to reach for Kit, but he gripped my wrist.

“Olivia!”

I woke up to find myself wrapped around Kit. He had his hand on my wrist and was staring at me with a panicked look in his eyes. My leg, just like in my dream, was wrapped tightly around him.

Oh god, what have I done?

My eyes widened when I realised the seriousness of our situation. I had been dreaming, but it would seem I was trying to act out my dream. I wanted to die.

“I’m so sorry, Kit. What did I do?” He released his grip, and I immediately covered my face. “Oh god. Maybe it’s best you don’t tell me.”

I felt Kit slide off the bed and, for a moment, I thought he was going to leave me. “Kit, wait! I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to–”

“Maybe I should sleep in the next room.”

I frowned. Next room? The next room is where my studio… Oh shit. “No! You can’t go in there!”

But it was too late. He had already left the room, and I went racing after him. When I got into the hallway, I saw that the door to my studio was wide open, but I couldn’t see Kit. I smacked my forehead and groaned. “Oh no.”

Timidly, I moved forward, noticing how much it hurt, but not as much as earlier. When I got to the threshold of the door, Kit was standing in the middle of the room, looking around, taking in all my landscape paintings, photorealistic paintings… Then his eyes fell on a particular one that stood out from them all. A couple of them were of him, but this one was the biggest. It was a close-up, his dark blonde hair pushed behind his ears. I had paid particular attention to his facial hair, making sure his short beard was as pronounced as possible. I even painted the tiny scar on his left cheek I had once noticed. I always marvelled at that scar because I wondered how long it truly was. It was hard to tell with his beard. It was the eyes that I paid the most attention to, though. Right now, those grey-blue eyes were staring at me, trying to reach into my soul. Those eyes foretold hope, promises, sadness, and despair. They were the most haunting eyes I had ever seen.

I stood there in the quiet. I didn’t know what he was going to think of me drawing him like that without his knowledge. I gripped onto the t-shirt I now wore, which I didn’t remember putting on. Kit turned. His eyes were wide with shock. Right then, I became panicked, thinking he was going to bolt and leave me again. Instead, he pointed. “Did you do that?” He looked over at the painting, then back at me.

I flinched a little and bit my lip. It was like my whole body wanted to cave in on itself and disappear. I found the courage, looked up, and nodded. I looked back down again because I didn’t want to see the look of hurt, anger, disappointment, or whatever disgusted look he wanted to throw at me. I couldn’t take it.

Out of my peripheral vision, I saw that Kit was suddenly on the move and was heading for the door. I stepped to one side and held myself against the wall, knowing he was going to pass me any moment and be out the door.

And out of my life.

I wanted to sob, I wanted to shout, but I knew it would be no use. He hated me and, quite frankly, I didn’t blame him. He now knew that he was my obsession.

As he got closer, I closed my eyes because I didn’t want to see that look on his face when he passed me. When he didn’t pass, I chanced opening my eyes. He was standing in front of me and grabbed the back of my head, pulling me to him. His mouth pressed against mine, and I threw my arms around his neck. Our lips meshed together in the most spellbinding kiss I had ever experienced. It was hot. It was warm. Most of all, it was deadly. Deadly to my body, which wanted more. Deadly to my heart, which wanted to let him in. Deadly to the soul that Kit was slowly coaxing out of me.

Needing more, I pushed out my tongue, seeking entrance. At first, Kit hesitated, then he opened his mouth and our tongues finally met. He groaned, placing one hand firmly behind my head as the other trailed up my back. He pulled me tightly to him.

Feeling like I needed to feel more of him, I slid both hands up his t-shirt and gently scraped my nails from his shoulders down to his hips before squeezing him to me. Kit growled again, and my whole body shuddered

Keeping his mouth firmly pressed against mine, Kit’s breathing became more laboured and his actions more desperate as he hoisted me up against the wall. I wrapped my legs around his waist and felt how hard he was when he dug himself into me, moaning as he did.

Suddenly, he banged his fist against the wall, making me jump. “I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to make this right for you.”

I placed a hand on his cheek and gently stroked his delicate hairs. “You’re making it right for me.”

Kit sighed and placed his head on my shoulder. “You don’t understand. I’ve never done this before.”

If I thought my heart couldn’t take anymore, I was wrong. It thrashed wildly in my chest at his admission. “You’ve never had sex?”

He sighed against my shoulder. “Yes, I have, but not like this.” I felt him shake his head before looking up to meet my eyes. “Not like this.”

I didn’t know what he meant. I was longing for this man with such wild abandon, all thoughts were scrambled. “I don’t understand.”

He sighed again and rested his forehead against mine. “We can’t do this. I can’t do this with you.”

Those were the last words I wanted to hear. I was desperate for him. Could he not tell from that kiss just how much I wanted this?

I grabbed the back of his neck. “Kit, please. I want this. I want you.”

He let go of my legs and I felt myself sliding back down on the floor. My heart sank. I was so close to feeling something natural, something real, only to have it ripped away from me.

Feeling the tears brimming, I lay my forehead against his chest. “I’m so sorry,” he offered, but it didn’t stop my heart from being ripped from my chest. It didn’t stop the overwhelming rejection after knowing just how good it felt to be with him this way. His kisses and his touch were nothing I had ever felt before.

I wanted more.

“Kit, who were you before? Did you...? I mean, were you a...?” I couldn’t get the word out. “The other morning, when you were sick, you said that you could please me and my husband couldn’t. Did you used to sleep with women for money?”

I felt Kit stiffen as our breathing started to calm a little. His silence was so palpable, you could hear a pin drop. I thought he wasn’t going to answer, maybe even push me away. But then he sighed. “No, I didn’t, but I may as well have.”

I shook my head and looked into his eyes. “I don’t understand.”

Kit cupped my head in his hands. “You’re not meant to.” He sighed heavily. “My life before was built on deception, cruelty, and lies. Sometimes I feel I can’t touch you because I’m too tainted, too unworthy, too damaged. You’re so untainted and pure that to touch you with my filthy hands will only rub what is inside me onto you. I can’t do that to you.”

Knowing how wrong he was, I placed my hands on his arms. I was tainted. I was damaged. Despite knowing how wrong it all was, I wanted him. “I want you to touch me, Kit. I don’t believe you could ever be bad, or damaged, or unworthy of me. When I look at you, I see a man who is desperate for someone’s touch, desperate to reach out, desperate for someone to love him. I want you to touch me, feeling that it’s right, that it is pure between us. I want you to only think of me and you. No one else. Just us. Don’t think about your past or what you used to be. It doesn’t matter now. What matters is how you move forward. What matters is the man you are today. I want that man.”

Kit breathed heavily, gently kissing me on the lips. He gripped his eyes shut and shook his head. “I don’t know how to be that man.”

I stroked his beard. “Let me show you. Let me show you the man you can be.”

Kit stayed silent for a moment, just holding me tightly. There was nothing sexual about it. Nothing to tell me there was an ulterior motive. He just wanted to hold me. And, right now, I wanted to hold him, too. I could never tire of being held by Kit. His comfort was like nothing else.

So I cradled my head in his neck, allowing him full access to me. I was accepting his offer of affection one hundred percent, but no matter my desire for him, this connection was something more. Something special, something real. When he held me, it felt as though nothing could harm me. Nothing could get in my way. Nothing could break me. I was safe and felt loved. For the first time in my life, I truly felt loved.