Текст книги "Everlasting Sin"

Автор книги: J. S. Cooper

сообщить о нарушении

Текущая страница: 5 (всего у книги 9 страниц)

Chapter 9

Hudson

Present Day

I walked into the gym feeling tense. It had been a couple of days since I had seen Riley and she hadn’t come back, but I wasn’t hopeful that I could avoid her forever. Not now that she was writing an article about the championships. I knew that I was probably going to see her again, but I didn’t want to. Well, that was a lie. I did want to, but I didn’t want to want to.

I pulled out my ringing phone as I walked to the weights. “Hey, what’s up?”

“How’s it going?” Luke sounded eager as he gushed down the phone. “Nick says you’re awesome, which I already knew of course.”

“It’s fine. What do you want?”

“Is that any way to speak to your best friend?”

I sighed. “I’m busy.”

“Well sorry, Mr. Trump.” He paused. “I saw Clara’s mom today at the grocery store.”

“And?”

“She was using food stamps.”

“Oh?”

“She had to put some food back because she didn’t have enough.” He continued. “I felt bad for her, but I only had twenty dollars. Nothing I could do, you know?”

“Yeah.” I bit my lower lip. “I guess she still hasn’t found a job.”

“I guess she planned on Clara always looking after her.”

“Yeah.” I closed my eyes and leaned against the wall. “That was the plan.”

“Anyways, I thought I would let you know.”

“Yeah.”

“Just in case you were thinking of backing out,” he continued. “You know, Clara would—”

“I gotta go, Luke.” I hung up the phone angrily and quickly walked to the locker room.

I slowly opened the door, wishing that I could wake up one day and be out of this nightmare. I paused as I opened the door and heard the other guys talking.

“She has a tight body,” I heard Justin say. “I’d love to bend her over and...”

“I’d take her in the shower.” Channing sounded gruff. “I’d fuck her so hard that she’d be begging me to stop.”

“She’d never fuck you.” Justin laughed. “She’s all over me.”

“She was staring at my cock yesterday like she wanted to go down on me right then and there.”

“You wish, Channing.” A couple of the guys started laughing. I could feel my heart racing as I listened to the guys.

“No, Riley wishes.” He laughed. “She’s begging for me to take her.”

I felt something in me explode as I heard him say her name. I rushed forward and grabbed hold of his collar, and pushing him into the locker.

“What the fuck are you saying about Riley?” I snarled in his face.

“Nothing that ain’t true.” Channing looked at me with hate in his eyes.

I tightened my grip. “What were you saying?”

“I said she wants to suck on my cock,” he said slowly while licking his lips.

“Shut the fuck up, you prick.” I couldn’t stop myself, and I felt my fist hitting his face.

“Or what, pussy?”

“Or I will fuck you up.”

I attempted to punch him again, but he blocked my fist and tried to knee me in the crotch. I pushed him back into the lockers again and brought my right hook up to his face again. He was too slow this time and took a blow to his eye. He looked at me angrily, and I felt him push me back. I tripped over the bench, and he took advantage of the fact that I was down to kick me in the ribs. He got two kicks in before I grabbed his leg and pulled him down to join me. I grabbed his face and smashed it into the ground as he kneed me in the crotch.

I didn’t feel any pain as he beat me up. All I could think about was how he’d disrespected Riley. I felt sick to my stomach that he could say such things about her and even sicker thinking about her with another man—especially him. I would kill him before I would let him touch her.

His words played around in my mind and I grew angrier. I started hitting him harder and then I felt his teeth sinking into my arm hard.

“Guys, stop!” Justin stood above us, and I could see the panic in his eyes. “Please stop! Come on, Channing. Leave Batman alone.”

“He started it,” Channing grunted out while attempting to hit me in the face. I turned over and pushed him onto his back before sitting on him and holding him down. “It’s not my fault that Riley wants me to fuck her brains out.”

“Shut up, you asshole!” I didn’t hesitate before I punched him in the mouth.

“Pussy!” He spat blood out at me and I held his arms down.

“What did you say?” I growled at him. My eyes burned into his, and he looked up at me in hate.

“I said, it’s not my—” He began and I made to hit him again when we were interrupted.

“Stop.” Riley ran into the locker room and stared at me for a few seconds before looking away. “Please stop.”

I watched as one of the other guys followed her into the other room and sighed. I wondered what he had told her. I stared down at Channing and wondered if I could chance hitting him one last time.

“Please, Hudson, stop.” Riley’s voice was soft, and I looked at her.

I wasn’t prepared for the feeling of want and desperation that filled me as I stared at her. I was about to get up when Channing whispered up at me.

“You may have won this one, but I’ll still have her screaming out my name as I fuck her.” He grinned at me as he licked his lips, and I found my fist crashing down into his face again.

“Hudson, no!” she screamed and ran over to me. I could see tears in her eyes. “Please, stop!”

“You need to leave, Riley.” I pushed her away from me. My arms were on fire where she touched me. All of a sudden, all I could think about was the night on the beach—the night I took her virginity. I could see her face as she purred up at me in pleasure. I could feel her supple breasts in my hand. I looked at her angrily as the feelings came back. “Get out of here!” I shouted at her and watched as she flinched.

“I’m not leaving.” She shook her head and stared at me. “You can’t make me.”

“You guys know each other?” Channing looked back and forth at us and then smiled an evil little smile. “That makes sense of course. It makes perfect sense.”

“I don’t know him.” Riley looked at me for a second and shook her head. I felt empty at her words.

“Riley, I’m...” I stopped and looked away from her. I didn’t know how to say the words.

I wanted to tell her that I was sorry, but that would mean I’d have to acknowledge everything that had happened. I didn’t want to even think about it. I was scared that if I went back down that road, old feelings would resurface. Feelings that I’d kept under wraps for the last four years. Riley was someone who couldn’t be in my life anymore. Not now that I had other responsibilities. I owed it to Clara.

“So, Riley, we’re all going to a camping trip next weekend because Nick wants us to bond. I was hoping you could come. What do you think?” Channing’s voice was smooth as he invited Riley on the trip, and I held my breath, hoping she would say no. She had to say no.

“That sounds good. Thank you.” Her voice was sweet and innocent, and I saw her quickly glance at me to see my reaction.

I ignored her stare and looked at Channing. He was pushing his tongue in and out, and I grabbed Riley by the arm and pulled her out of the room with me.

“What are you doing?” she cried out in surprise, but I ignored her and pulled her into the parking lot with me.

“What are you playing at, Riley?” I growled down at her, staring into her wide brown eyes.

“I’m not playing at anything.” She shook her head and paused. “I’m surprised you know me now though.”

“What?” I frowned as she trembled in my arms.

“You ignored me the other day.” She took a deep breath, and I could see tears in her eyes.

“Don’t cry, Riley.” I felt my heart breaking as I stared at her, and I pushed all the doubts out of my mind and leaned down to kiss her.

I couldn’t stop myself from tasting her lips again. I knew it was wrong. I knew I was going to pay, but I just couldn’t stop myself. I needed to hold her in my arms again, if only to remember everything I had lost due to my sinful ways.

Chapter 10

Riley

Present Day

The world has ended. That’s all I could think as Hudson kissed me. I was confused to feel his lips on mine. It was something I had never expected to feel again. There was nothing gentle about his embrace as his lips crushed down on mine.

“What are you doing?” I reluctantly pulled away from him. “What’s going on, Hudson?”

“I told you that you need to leave.”

“So you know me now?” I gazed into his eyes, and he took a step back and looked away.

“I’m sorry about the other day.” He sighed.

“Why were you fighting Channing?”

“That’s why I’m here, right? To fight.”

“That looked like a real fight.”

“They are all real. This isn’t fake fighting.”

“I know it’s not fake, but that didn’t look like you were fighting for the championship.”

“It’s none of your business.”

“Of course not.” I rolled my eyes, hurt at his words.

“Why are you here, Riley?”

“I’m writing an article.”

“You shouldn’t be here.”

“Why? Because I’m a girl?”

“This is not the place for someone like you.”

“Someone like me?” I could feel the tears building up in my eyes again. I didn’t understand why he was being like this.

Where had my Hudson gone? This man in front of me was hateful and cold—something I’d never expected from him.

“Please don’t cry.” He stared at me with pained eyes and pulled me towards him. “I can’t stand it when you cry, Riley.”

“I’m not crying.” I shook my head and turned my face away from him. I felt his fingers on my cheeks wiping away my tears. “Don’t.” I looked at him angrily. “Don’t touch me.”

“I’m sorry.” He shook his head as his fingers moved to my lips, tracking them gently. “I’m sorry.” He bent down again and kissed me.

This time, his lips were soft and searching. He kissed me as if he were looking for something, and I kissed him back urgently. My hands found their way to his head and my fingers played with his hair as his tongue entered my mouth. I sucked on it eagerly, as if our deepening kiss would somehow fix everything. I felt his hands on my back, then on my stomach. His fingers caressed me. His touch made me feel alive.

Then his fingers made their way up to my breasts. At first, he was timid, but then it was as if something in him had snapped. His fingers squeezed my breasts eagerly and roughly as his tongue wrestled with mine. I could feel his breathing grow heavier. My own heart was beating fast, and I pressed myself against him. This was what I had been missing. This was what felt so right. This was where I belonged.

“No,” he gasped as my fingers ran down his chest and he pulled away. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want this to happen. This can’t happen again, Riley.”

“I’m sorry.” I looked down, ashamed of myself.

“It’s not your fault.”

“Don’t hate me, Hudson.” I looked into his eyes, trying to convey all of my emotions in one glance. “I’m sorry about what happened.” It was the first time I had told him sorry, and I felt as if I were in that moment once again.

“It’s not your fault. I’m the sinner, Riley. I’m the one who has to pay.” His eyes looked at me bleakly.

I could feel the pain running through his veins. I could see the guilt. I recognized the sleepless nights in the bags under his eyes, and I sensed the hopelessness in his voice. It was the same pain and hopelessness I felt. It was the same guilt I experienced every night when I went to bed. Only I was the one to blame.

“It wasn’t your fault, Hudson.” I reached out to him, but he shook his head.

“I’m sorry. Please just go. Riley. Please. I can’t do this. I don’t want to see you.” He looked away from me, and I wanted to scream at him. How could he sound and look so casual as he ripped my heart out of my body?

“You don’t mean that,” I whispered, needing him to look at me.

“I’m sorry, Riley. I don’t know what you expected.” He glanced at me and looked away. “It’s been four years. We shouldn’t have seen each other again. I thought we’d never see each other again. I’m not a good man.” He stared at me then. I could see that his eyes were devoid of emotion. It was if he had lost a part of himself.

I watched him walk back into the gym and stood there for a few minutes, deciding what to do. I wanted to go back in, but I knew it was too soon. I wasn’t going to let him run me out again. The next time I went back to the gym, I was going to be in full control of my emotions.

It was obvious to me that Hudson hadn’t forgiven himself for that night, and that killed me. I wanted to tell him the truth, I wanted him to know my part, but I was scared that he would hate me more than he already did. I decided to go home and study instead. I needed to think about something other than Hudson. It was clear to me that we were never going to get back to that place.

* * *

I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling, thinking about Hudson and the kiss. I hugged my pillow and tried not to scream as I daydreamed about him, my textbook on the bed next to me.

“Hey, what are you doing home?” Eden walked into my room with a surprised face.

“Needed to study.”

“I thought you were going to interview some of the guys. Don’t tell me that they figured out you have no clue already.”

“Very funny.” I laughed. “And they know I’m not an expert.”

“You told them?” She sat down on the bed next to me. “Tell me. Are there any hotties?”

“Hotties?”

“The guys! Any potential de-virginizers?” She giggled, and I rolled my eyes at her.

“No. Well, there is one guy, Justin. He seems nice, but who knows.”

“Ooh, Justin. I like the name. Is he a surfer?”

“Not a surfer.” I shook my head and she sighed.

“Of course not.” She lay back on my bed next to me. “Where did all the surfers go?”

“Hawaii?”

“Funny.” She giggled. “So tell me more. Why are these guys doing this? Aren’t they risking their lives?”

“I don’t know. Money, I guess.” I bit my lower lip and sat up. “I saw Hudson.”

“What?” Her eyes widened. “My brother, Hudson?”

I nodded. “Yeah.”

“Weird.” She stared at me. “Where did you see him?”

“At the gym.”

“Oh?”

“He’s trying to enter the competition.”

“The fight?” She sat up then. “No shit.”

“Yeah.” I nodded. “He seemed pretty intense.”

“Yeah.” She sighed and leaned against the wall. “I guess he never really got over Clara.”

“Yeah.” I looked away, feeling bad.

“I spoke to Luke the other day,” she said slowly. “He said Clara’s mom is doing really badly. Like she might get evicted.”

My eyes widened. “Oh no.”

“I bet he wants to give her the money,” she continued. “What’s the prize again? A hundred grand?”

“A million dollars.”

Her jaw dropped. “Holy shit. That’s a lot of money.”

“Yeah.” I nodded and then peeked at her. “He looked like he was really down, Eden.”

“Oh, he’s always like that these days.” She shrugged.

“Do you ever think about that summer?” I asked her softly, not wanting to bring it up but needing to talk about it.

“Sometimes.” She nodded and sighed. “But honestly, I try not to.”

“I always think about that last night,” I continued. “If we had done something differently, what would have happened?”

“Yeah. If I hadn’t gone on that horrible date.” She made a face.

“Yeah, or if Hudson and I hadn’t gone out and left Clara at home.”

“We couldn’t have known, Riley.” Eden grabbed her hands. “We were only in high school.”

“But we knew she’d been drinking,” I continued, not able to stop.

“We thought she was sleeping.” Eden’s voice rose. “I’m sorry, but she was selfish. She had no business going to the bar by herself. Especially when she was already drunk.”

“Alcohol makes it so you can’t think properly.”

“She was an alcoholic. She did this to herself.” Eden grabbed her hands. “I know you’re sensitive, Riley, but her death wasn’t your fault. And it wasn’t Hudson’s either.”

“I know.” I looked down, unseeing and barely able to breathe. I was taken back to that night, and all I could think about was lying naked in his arms, kissing him, touching him, loving the feel of him next to me.

It had been so sweet, so so sweet. Yet it had ended in tears. We’d stayed out all night and we’d gone back home in the early hours of the morning. Everything had fallen apart as soon as we saw the cop cars in front of the house. It was as if we both knew before we’d even been told. I could remember that night as clearly as if it had happened yesterday.

“Oh, Hudson!” Eden had run out of the house and into his arms. Her face was red with tears and she didn’t even notice how we stepped apart quickly. She didn’t notice that I was wearing his shirt. She didn’t notice that our bodies were glowing. She didn’t notice that Hudson and I had made love all night under the stars. She didn’t notice because none of that mattered. Not after the tragedy that had occurred. “What’s wrong?” Hudson had asked the words but I think we both knew.

“It’s Clara,” she whispered. “She’s dead.”

“Riley, are you okay?” I felt Eden shaking my shoulder, and I looked up at her unblinking.

“Yeah, sorry. What did you say?”

“Are you thinking about it?”

“Yeah.” I nodded and swallowed. “I was thinking about it.”

“She was driving drunk. She was irresponsible.” Eden grabbed my shoulders. “Look at me, Riley. This wasn’t our fault. She should have known better. She shouldn’t have driven drunk.”

“I know.” I felt sick to my stomach and rolled away from her. “Do you think I can be by myself right now?” I whispered. “I don’t feel well.”

“Okay.” Eden stood up, and I listened to her as she walked to the door. “You can’t blame yourself, Riley. You didn’t know.”

I lay there for about thirty minutes, staring at the wall blankly. My brain was void of thoughts and my heart was void of emotion as I thought back to that night again.

Dead, dead, dead. I could still hear the words in my ears. So unfamiliar, so unreal. How could she die? She wasn’t supposed to die. She was supposed to ask someone for a ride home. She wasn’t supposed to drive drunk.

My stomach started churning as I allowed myself to go down the dark road of that night again. The one night that had been the best and worst of my life. I closed my eyes and pictured Hudson’s face, so handsome, so caring, and so loving. He’d loved me. I knew that now. He’d always loved me. Once upon a time. And I’d loved him. How could I not? He’d been my protector, my friend, the boy who’d taught me to kiss. The boy who’d always cared about me.

And he was handsome. Oh was he handsome. When I looked at him, my heart did a million flips. I could barely control my breathing when I was close to him. I’d dreamed of him for years. I’d always wanted a chance. Waited for him to realize he wanted me. And then he’d brought Clara with him. Clara, a beautiful, wonderful girl. Clara, who was to become the first girlfriend of his that I had ever met. I’d hated her on sight. How could I not? How could you not hate the woman who was with the boy you’d always wanted? But I’d tried to hide my hate. And I’d tried to stay away from him.

Until that last night. That last night I’d had a shot of vodka and gained some liquid courage. That night I’d thrown caution to the wind. And it had been marvelous. Making love to Hudson had set my heart and body on fire; I’d never known it could be like that. So sweet and hot and sexual. I hadn’t known that there were tastes and feelings that could make my body pulse with such pleasure that I didn’t want it to end. And I hadn’t wanted it to end.

As I had lain in his arms, soaking him in, I hadn’t wanted the night to end. And that was why I’d deleted the text messages. I could still see them clearly. The messages and the missed calls. “Hudson, come pick me up at the bar. I’m drunk.”

I hadn’t even hesitated as I’d pressed delete so quickly and casually. I wasn’t going to let her ruin my night. It was supposed to be our night. It was supposed to be about me and Hudson. I didn’t want him to feel guilty. I didn’t want him to think about her. He was going to dump her. He didn’t love her.

I’d been childish and selfish and jealous, but it didn’t even matter because I had still lost Hudson. And I’d cost Clara her life. And the guilt of what I’d done continued to consume me. I knew I needed to tell Hudson the truth. He had to know that it was my fault that Clara was dead. I was the reason he hadn’t gone to pick her up. Only I was scared. I was scared that not only would Hudson stop talking to me forever, but that he would hate me forever as well.

Chapter 11

Hudson

Present Day

I sat at the back of the bus by myself. I was angry that Riley had shown up, but I tried to tell myself I didn’t care. I’d made a mistake kissing her the other day. I shouldn’t have kissed her. I’d seen the look of shock in her eyes. The fear and the pain. She was disgusted by me. She probably thought I couldn’t keep it in my pants. I was like every other guy. I let sex guide me. I let lust guide me. I wasn’t an honorable man. I was a killer.

I clenched my fist as I sat back, watching Riley laughing and talking with Justin. Though, I was glad it wasn’t Channing. I would have killed Channing if he even thought about talking to her. She looked beautiful of course. When she’d arrived, she’d given me a scared look, as if she’d thought I was going to shout at her and tell her to leave. I’d been angry to see her of course. However, another part of me had been excited. Really excited.

I listened to her laugh, and a part of me was warmed by the sound. I groaned softly to myself. I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be near her. I didn’t deserve to be.

I closed my eyes and tried not to stare at Riley like some creep. Instead, images of her filled my brain—images of happier moments in time.

* * *

“Hudson, wanna go fishing?” Riley’s ten-year-old voice was eager as she walked into my room.

I shook my head. “Not really.”

“Oh.” She came and sat on my bed. “What are you doing?”

“I’m studying.” I sighed, not wanting to be bothered by her.

“What are you studying?”

“Botany,” I lied.

“What’s that?” She made a face and reached for my book.

“Plant stuff.” I grabbed my book up to my chest. “Why don’t you go and bother Eden?” I snapped.

“What?” She frowned and looked at me with sad eyes.

“Nothing,” I sighed, feeling bad but still holding my book close to my chest.

“Why are you so mean?”

“Why are you so annoying?”

“Because I’m the boss.”

“Boss of who?” She looked around.

“The boss of you. Duh.”

“You’re not the boss of me.”

“Yeah, I am.” I raised an eyebrow. “Go and get me some water.”

“No.” She shook her head.

“Go and get some water and I’ll take you fishing.”

“Really?” She looked at me eagerly.

“Yeah,” I grinned at her. “Sure.”

“Okay.” She jumped off of the bed, ran to the door, and stopped.

“Go and get me my water, minion.” I laughed and lay back. “I told you I’m the boss.”

“I saw the boob in your botany book.” She raised an eyebrow at me and grinned. “Happy studying, Hudson.” She giggled and ran out of the room as my face went red.

Shit! I threw the book and the Playboy magazine it was supposed to be hiding on my bed.

“Riley!” I screamed as I ran out of my room.

“Yes, boss?”

“Don’t tell my mom.” I glared at her as she giggled. She was a pain in the ass.

“Yes, boss.”

“Stop calling me boss.”

“Yes, boss.”

“You’re so annoying.” I glared at her. “Don’t tell anyone or I’ll never take you fishing again.”

“Uh huh.” She smiled, and I rubbed the top of her head and walked back to my room.

* * *

I opened my eyes then, feeling sad. I missed having Riley in my life. She’d always been a pain in the ass, but she’d always been someone close to my heart. I supposed in a way it had been inevitable that we fell in love. She’d always had a piece of my heart from the very first time I’d met her.

I watched as Riley turned her head slightly and looked at me, and I looked away quickly. I sat there for a few seconds and then looked back to the front. Riley was no longer looking at me, but Channing’s gaze was on me with a knowing look. It took everything I had to not get up and punch the smug look off his face.

This weekend was supposed to be about bonding, and while I had no intentions of bonding with Channing, I didn’t want to let anyone know that before we’d even arrived at the campsite.

I sighed as I realized that I was going to have to interact with Riley once we got there. There was no way I could just ignore her. I had to learn to get a handle on my emotions and feelings. I had to be prepared for the looks I was sure she would be getting from every guy on the trip. I knew that there was no way that all the other guys would be able to ignore her. She was beautiful and nice and kind and sexy.

I jumped up and walked to the front of the bus, before I could stop myself.

I tapped Riley on the shoulder. “Hey.”

She looked at me in surprise. “Hi.” Her eyes were curious, and I saw a flash of excitement in them, but she didn’t smile at me.

“I was wondering if we could talk.”

She frowned. “You want to talk to me?”

“That’s what I said,” I huffed, annoyed that she hadn’t gotten up already.

“What about?”

“Yeah, what about, Batman?” Justin chimed in, and I tried my hardest to keep my mouth shut. I liked Justin and didn’t want to have to smack him.

“Riley.” I said her name softly, and she gazed up into my eyes. We stared at each other for a few seconds and then she stood up.

“Fine.” She followed me to the back of the bus, and I heard Justin shouting after us.

“Don’t leave me, Riley,” he sang out, and a couple of the guys laughed.

“So?” She sat down in the back next to me, and I could see the question in her eyes.

“I wanted to just say hey.” I shrugged, feeling inadequate.

“You could have said hey while I was at the front.”

“I thought we could talk.”

“About what?” She leaned back and looked at me expectantly.

“Maybe we can be friends?” I felt awkward saying the words. This was a girl I loved. This was the girl whose virginity I had taken, yet here I was, asking her to be friends like we were strangers.

“Sure.” She nodded and looked down.

“I’m sorry for ignoring you the other day.”

“You already told me that.”

“I’m sorry that I told you to leave.”

“I understand why.”

“I’m sorry I kissed you.”

“I’m not,” she whispered, and I looked at her in shock. My heart started beating fast as she stared into my eyes.

“Sorry, what?”

“I’m not sorry you kissed me.” She bit her lower lip, and I could see the confusion in her eyes. “It was nice.”

“Riley,” I groaned. I didn’t need this right now. I didn’t want her to tell me that she’d enjoyed kissing me. I couldn’t hear that.

“Hudson.” Her voice cracked. “It’s not your fault that Clara died.” She stared into my eyes, and in that instant, I felt like I was back at the scene. She had the same look in her eyes that I’d had when we saw the cops outside the house.

I was ashamed of the first thoughts I’d had when I’d seen the cops. I was mad. I was mad that our perfect evening was being ruined. I’d wanted it to be so special. I’d wanted every moment of it to be picture perfect. But of course, how could it have been? I’d been a guy with a girlfriend. It didn’t matter that I’d been about to end it. The fact was that I hadn’t ended it, yet I had still slept with Riley.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” I shook my head, and she grabbed my hand.

“I need to tell you something.” Her voice cracked and I shook my head again.

“No. This isn’t the time.”

“Do you hate me?” Her voice drifted into my ears, and it felt so strange to hear it. I’d grown up listening to that voice, but now it sounded distant. It was surreal.

“I could never hate you.” I took her hand in mine. “You know that, right? You’ll always be my little squirt.”

“You just stopped talking to me.”

“I’m sorry.” I sat back and took a deep breath. “I took advantage of you. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“You didn’t take advantage of me.”

“I never should have encouraged you to skinny dip.”

“Hudson, stop it.” She shook her head angrily. “I wanted you to.”

“I should have waited. I should have made it more special. It wasn’t right. We shouldn’t have made love that night.”

“So you regret it?”

“Yes.” I nodded and stared into her eyes. “I regret it.”

A dart of pain shot through me as I lied. This is why you’re evil and destined for hell, Hudson, an inner voice said to me. You don’t regret it at all. You’ve never regretted it. It’s the only thing that makes you happy. It’s the memory you look back at when you feel down and depressed.

Making love to Riley was the highlight of my life. That night was everything to me. I held it close to my heart. It made me feel. And I lived with that guilt every single day of my life. The best moment of my life happened right before Clara died. And I just couldn’t live with myself for that.

“I see.” Her voice cracked and she jumped up.

“Where are you going?” I grabbed her arm, loath to see her walk away.

“I’m going back to my seat.”

“Oh.” I dropped my arm.

“It was good talking to you.” She offered me a weak smile.

“Friends again?” I held out my hand, and she looked at it for a second before taking it.

“Okay, friends again.” We shook hands weakly, and I watched her walk back to the front of the bus.

I felt my heart breaking once again. I wasn’t sure how I was going to get through this weekend. And to be completely honest, I wasn’t sure how I was going to get through the rest of my life.

* * *

I went for a run in the woods to try and calm myself down. I’d been pissed when I saw Channing and Riley place their sleeping bags next to each other. I’d seen him grinning at me as he put his bag down next to hers, and I’d wanted to punch him hard. He was a jackass, and I knew he was deliberately trying to wind me up.

“Save your energy for the fight,” I whispered to myself as I ran. That’s all I could tell myself.

I couldn’t afford to make a wrong step and not get the opportunity to attend the championships. I needed to win the million dollars. I needed to support Clara’s mom since I knew that was her greatest wish, and I also wanted to give money to Jamilah’s mom. I was worried about her.

I’d seen her right before the fight, and she’d looked stressed. I knew that she was leaving the kids at home while she went to work, but what could I say? I knew she needed the money, and I tried to babysit whenever I could. It broke my heart that Jamilah and Marcus were left alone so many nights, but I didn’t know what I could do without interfering. If I won the million dollars, maybe Jamilah’s mom could look for a new job and get someone to help her watch the kids.

I stopped by a tree trunk, sweat dripping down my face. I felt like I had a world of worries on my shoulders, but all I could think about was Riley. I wondered what she was doing at that very moment. I sighed and sat on the ground as I tried to sort out my thoughts. I stilled as I heard footsteps approaching me.