Текст книги "Bastard"

Автор книги: J. L. Perry

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Текущая страница: 14 (всего у книги 30 страниц)

I’m not sure if it’s the alcohol running through my veins or not, but I want to jump out of this window and drag that cocksucker out of the car and away from her. I’m blaming the alcohol. Coming back here was a mistake. I think I was better off not knowing what she’s been up to.

Flopping back down on my bed, I reach for my bottle of Jack and take a swig. It burns like a motherfucker on its way down, but I welcome it. I need to be numb, so I take another gulp. I’ve only ever drunk straight from the bottle once before, and that was a few days after I left here all those years ago.

I see her bedroom light come on from where I sit. Everything in me wants to go over there, but what good would that do? She’s moved on. I suppose I can’t really blame her. In all honesty, I had no intentions of coming back. Even though I did entertain the thought a million times over the years.

I watch as she heads towards her drawers and retrieves what I presume is a pair of pyjamas. Her gaze moves towards my window as she stares into the darkness of my bedroom. I’m tempted to switch on my bedside lamp so she can see me, but I don’t.

She turns suddenly and heads back out of her room. A few seconds later I see the bathroom light come on. She’s probably going to have a shower. That thought makes my dick twitch. It pisses me off. I push the thoughts of her naked and rubbing soap all over her delicious body out of my mind. I’m only torturing myself if I don’t.

 

CHAPTER FOUR

Indiana

My thoughts stray to Carter again as I let the hot water wash over my body. I was supposed to be spending the night at Mark’s, but after dinner I asked him to bring me home instead. I feel bad that I let Carter get in the way of our plans tonight, but my head is pounding.

Fuck him and his bullying tactics. Who in the hell does he think he is? Poor Mark was so intimidated by him. They’re worlds apart when it comes to personalities. Mark is so timid, Carter not so much.

After drying myself and dressing in my PJ’s, I grab a few headache pills out of the medicine cabinet and pop them in my mouth. I need to lie down.

Walking back into my bedroom, my traitorous eyes land on Carter’s bedroom window again. His lights are out so he must be asleep. I feel bad for the way I left things between us earlier, but he can’t butt into my life like that. He’s the one who walked away, not me.

“I’m not in my room,” I hear a male voice slur, almost making me jump out of my skin.

“What the fuck, Carter?” I screech when I see him sprawled out on my bed. “Get the fuck out of my room.”

“Can’t do that, sweetheart,” he says clumsily sitting up. Is he drunk? I take the few steps towards my bed and reach for his arm, tugging on it.

“You can’t be in here,” I growl. He looks up at me, and smiles. One of those panty-melting smiles that he used to give me all those years ago. I hate that he still makes me feel things after all this time. “You need to go.”

“Nope. I need to talk to you first,” he says, reaching out and pulling me forward with so much force I land on top of him. Being pressed against his hard body, on my bed, is not a good idea. “I’ve missed you,” he slurs wrapping me tightly in his arms. I can smell the alcohol on him. It’s so strong, if I stay near him like this, I’m sure the fumes will make me tipsy. I try and push myself up off his chest as he tightens his grip. I’ve missed him too, but that’s irrelevant. I decide not to voice that out loud.

Being this close to him is too much. I shouldn’t be feeling what I’m feeling. It’s wrong. My mind is flooded with memories of our time together. I can’t go there again. “Carter. Let me up.”

“Nope. Not until you talk to me.” He buries his face in my hair and inhales. “Fuck you smell good. Just like I remember.”

“Stop,” I say annoyed as I pull my face back, looking down at him. The sweet look on his face almost makes me smile. Almost. He shouldn’t be here. I’ve moved on. Being so close to him again only confuses me. He can’t just expect things are going to pick up from where they left off.

“I’m not letting you go until you agree to talk to me.”

“Fine,” I say sighing. “I’ll talk to you, but you need to let me go first.”

“Okay,” he says, releasing me. I immediately stand. If we’re going to talk, I need distance. A lot of distance. I take a few steps back from the bed. “Why are you here?”

“I told you, I miss you,” he replies, sitting up again.

“I have a boyfriend, Carter. Remember? You can’t just waltz back into my life five years later, after no goodbye, no contact, and expect to carry on as if nothing happened. You broke my heart when you left.” I feel tears sting my eyes, but thankfully I manage to keep them down. I refuse to let him see my weakness.

“I’m sorry,” he apologises, exhaling. “I thought leaving you behind was for the best …” His eyes meet mine and the sadness I see tears at my heart. “I fucked up. I know that.”

“Yes, you did. I understand why you felt you had to go, but you could’ve contacted me. Anything would’ve been better than nothing.” I wrap my arms around myself, trying hard to hold my emotions at bay.

“Do you love him, Indi?” I turn my face away from his. I can’t look at him and say this.

“Yes.” Although he doesn’t evoke the kind of feelings Carter did in the past, I care for Mark. A lot. He’s sweet. He treats me like a princess. He’d never leave me the way Carter did. With him I have a future. With Carter, all I have are memories. That’s all I’ll ever have. He doesn’t speak for the longest time. When my gaze moves back to him, I find his head bowed and his shoulders slumped. I feel like a bitch. “I’m sorry, Carter.”

“Don’t be,” he says, his sad eyes meeting mine. “I let you go, and now I have to live with it.”

“Carter,” I whisper, walking towards the bed and sitting beside him. “I’ll always treasure the time we spent together as kids. Always. But, that was in the past. We’re not kids anymore.”

“I guess,” he replies. “Although, you were the kid back then, remember? Not me.”

“Whatever,” I say bumping my shoulder with his. I see the corners of his lips turn up. I knew that would have to come up eventually. Some things will never change. “Surely you have someone special back home?” He’s gorgeous. I don’t doubt that the girls fall all over him, just like they used to when he lived here. I’m not sure I want to hear his answer, but I’m in a relationship. It would be selfish of me not to want the same for him.

“No. You know me, I was never one for commitment.” Don’t I know it? It saddens me that he still hasn’t changed after all this time. He’s a good guy deep down. He deserves someone special in his life.

“That’s sad, Carter.”

“That’s my life, I guess,” he says with a shrug. My hand comes up and rubs his back. I’m not sure how much of this is the alcohol talking.

“Tell me about your life. What have you been up to? Where are you living?” It’s something I’ve always wondered, but I also want to change the subject. This conversation is too depressing.

“I live up north, in Newcastle.”

“Really? It’s beautiful up there,” I say. Meg and I went up there for a weekend away a few years back. I can’t believe I was so close to him.

“It is. I have my own business. I’m a tattoo artist.”

“Wow. I’m glad you put your talent to use. You were always so good with your hands.”

“You better believe it, sweetheart,” he says wiggling his eyebrows, making me laugh.

“You’re still full of yourself I see.”

“Don’t tell me you don’t miss my hands on you? I bet lover boy doesn’t make you feel the way I used to.”

“I’m not going there with you, just drop it,” I snap, standing. His words sting because they’re true.

“Because I’m right,” he replies in a cocky tone. He is, but I’d never admit it. Never. My sex life with Mark is pretty bland. It’s rarely spontaneous, and always in a bed. He’s not as adventurous as Carter, but he still satisfies me, so that’s the main thing. Sometimes I wish for more, but great sex isn’t everything, I suppose.

“Can we change the subject, please?” I’m happy to talk about our current lives, but not sex. Mark wouldn’t approve of that, and I’d have to agree. It’s totally inappropriate. Especially given our past.

“Sure,” he says with a sigh. “Tell me about you. What have you been up to since I left?”

“Not much. College, work, that sort of thing.”

“I had a feeling you’d go to college. What did you study?” he asks.

“Veterinary Science. I’m a Veterinarian.”

“Really? Wow. I never knew you wanted to be a Vet.”

“I didn’t, but after Lassie …” I hear my voice crack as I speak.

“Fuck,” he says rubbing his hands over his face. “I’m sorry. Poor fucking Larry.” When I look at him, I see tears glisten his eyes. I can’t go over this again. Earlier today was hard enough.

“You hungry?” I ask trying to change the subject. I need to get him out of my room. I can’t seem to function properly with him sitting on my bed.

“I guess. But, not just for food.” His hands reach out for me, but I slap them away.

“Well food is all I’ve got,” I tell him as I turn to leave. When he doesn’t get up, I look at him over my shoulder. “Are you coming or what?”

“Sure,” he says half-heartedly. His disappointment is evident. That’s too bad. It pisses me off that he thinks it’s okay to make advances at me. No matter how much he’s had to drink, he should know better. He needs some food to sober up, and I need distance. Thankfully, he follows me into the kitchen.

“Do you want a toasted cheese sandwich?” I ask.

“Okay, thanks.” When he starts to walk towards me, I point at the table. Distance. I need distance. Having him close is just too much.

“Sit,” I command. A boyish smile appears on his face before he turns and does what I asked. He’s a little unsteady on his feet. It makes me wonder just how much he’s had to drink. “Do you get drunk like this often?”

“Nope.”

“Then why tonight?” I ask, placing a glass of water in front of him. His glassy eyes meet mine. I see sadness and maybe a touch of anger.

“Cos I felt like it. I see you haven’t changed. You’re still fucking nosey,” he retorts. I suppose being back here isn’t easy for him, so I ignore his snide remark.

I make four toasted sandwiches. Two each. I didn’t eat much when Mark and I went out for dinner. My stomach was in knots after our little altercation with Carter. “Here you go,” I say, placing the plate in front of him.

“Ta,” is all he says as he picks up one of the sandwiches and takes a bite. I find myself sneaking glances at him when he’s not looking. His face is so rugged, so handsome. Is it possible he’s grown even more beautiful over the years, because I’m certain he has? I shouldn’t even be thinking that, but I am.

Mark is pretty to look at, but in my eyes he has nothing on Carter in the looks department. Carter’s sinfully hot, all man, and those tattoos make him look so bad-arse. He’s every girl’s fantasy. It’s a shame he’s a non-committal man whore.

It’s a surreal feeling that we’re actually having a meal together, after all this time. Well, if you class a toasted sandwich as a meal. So much has changed since he left, but in a way, nothing has.

He looks up and catches me staring. “You don’t like your food?” he asks with a mouth full.

“Of course. Why would you ask that?”

“Because you look like you’d rather be eating me instead,” he says with a cheeky smile.

“What?” I screech. He throws back his head and laughs. “Nooooo. You’re delusional if you think that.”

“Just calling it how I see it, sweetheart.” When he winks at me I feel my face flush. Shit. I probably was looking at him like that. I need to get him out of this house, and away from me, ASAP.

••••

For the next few hours, we eat, we chat, and we laugh—just like old times. I think it’s exactly what we both needed to heal, to completely move on. There was so much unfinished business between us, but now I feel like it’s all water under the bridge. I’m hoping after tonight, I can finally let all the hurt go.

Let him go.

My heart hurts to think this is more than likely the last time we’ll be alone again. He mentioned earlier he was leaving tomorrow. I’m sure I’ll see him around when he visits his mum, but not like tonight. I shouldn’t want him to stay, but for some reason I do. Well, part of me does. The part of me that now belongs to Mark, knows him leaving is for the best.

“I should get going,” he says.

“Okay.” I try not to let my disappointment show. I’ve missed being around him. I’ve missed the banter we shared. When he reluctantly turns, I follow him towards the front door. “Thanks for the food … for the catch up,” he says when we walk out onto the front porch.

“It was nice,” I reply, getting up on the tip of my toes and planting a soft kiss on his cheek. Taking a step back, my eyes meet his. My heart is sad knowing this is our final goodbye. At least I’m getting one this time around. “Take care of yourself, okay?”

“You too, kid,” he says, reaching up and gently running his hand down the side of my face. His touch is so gentle, so sweet. I feel tears burn my eyes. We stand there for the longest time staring at each other. His hand is still resting on my cheek. I find myself leaning my head into his palm. I briefly close my eyes and savour the last time I’m going to feel his skin against mine. I’d give anything for him to wrap me in his arms again. Anything.

When I open my eyes, I find him watching me. He gives me a sad smile. “Goodbye, Carter,” I finally say, taking another step back. I’m thankful I got to say it this time. It doesn’t seem to lessen the ache in my heart though.

“Goodbye, Indi.” He continues to stand there, not moving. That electric pull between us, the one we shared in the past, is still as strong as ever. As much as I’d like to stay out here all night with him, I can’t. Someone needs to be the strong one here. I turn and take the few steps towards the door. Out of the corner of my eye, I see his hand reach towards me, but then he drops it back by his side. I’m grateful for that. We need to make a clean break.

••••

I manage to hold in my tears when I walk into the house, but they’re already falling by the time I reach my bedroom. My heart feels like it felt all those years ago when he left—broken.

I’m grateful that he came back, that I got to see him again. In saying that though, seeing him has conjured up all those old feelings. The ones that took me years to suppress. Guilt consumes me. I shouldn’t be feeling like this when I have a boyfriend.

Wiping my eyes, I dig my phone out of my bag. Turning it on, I find a message from Mark.

Night, babe. Hope your head is feeling better. x

Again the guilt hits hard. Technically I’ve done nothing wrong, but if Mark completely holds my heart, I shouldn’t be feeling what I’m feeling.

I’m feeling better, thanks. Sorry I had to cut the night short. See you at work in the morning. xxx

That’s a total lie. My headache is worse than ever, but I don’t want him to worry about me because I know he will. He replies straight away.

That’s good. Night, gorgeous. Sweet dreams. Wish you were here. x

I don’t reply to his last message. I’m not sure what to say. I do and don’t wish I was there with him. My head is so clouded right now it’s probably best that I’m not.

Finally, I climb under the covers. My thoughts are still well and truly on Carter. I know he’s next door. Only a few metres away. I wish I could spend more time with him before he leaves, but it’s probably safer for my heart if I don’t.

CHAPTER FIVE

Carter

As much as I hate being back in this house, I think walking away tomorrow, leaving my mum and Indi behind again, is going to be just as hard as it was the last time. For Indi’s sake it’s probably for the best, or is it? I’m not sure about that anymore. Especially after meeting that wanker she’s dating.

Once I would’ve said she was way too good for me, but in the past few years I’ve grown up, a lot. Sure, technically I’m still a bastard, but Indi’s words that night, all those years ago, have stuck with me. I’m not the same person I was. I no longer try to let that word define me. I still have my moments, but as a whole, I’ve come a long way. I’m a good, hardworking, and honest guy. That’s what I try my best to remember. Not all the other bullshit.

Going over there tonight, drunk, may not have been my smartest move, but I’m glad I did. I think she needed it just as much as I did. Being with her again was nice, but it only reinforced how good we are together, and how much I’ve missed having her close. She’s the only girl I’ve ever felt comfortable with. The only one who I can completely be myself with around.

••••

When I wake the next morning, she’s still on my mind. My head hurts like a bitch from all the alcohol I consumed. I finished off the bottle when I got back home. My heart was hurting after saying goodbye to her. Because it was more than words, it truly was a goodbye. That doesn’t sit well with me for some reason. I have this feeling in my gut that if I walk away again I’m going to regret it for the rest of my life. I’m going to lose her forever. If I haven’t already.

After showering and eating breakfast, I decide to head next door. I don’t know what I’m going to say when I get there, but I feel compelled to see her one more time before I leave. Jax called me this morning to see when I’d be heading back. I told him today. I have a great team, so I’m not really worried about the shop. I know I also have Jax and Candice if anything goes wrong, but either way, I still need to get home. I need to sort out what I’m going to do. To figure out a way I can come back here more often. Well, if Indi wants that of course. I got mixed messages from her last night. She said she loves that wanker, which was hard to hear, but I also get that feeling in the pit of my stomach there’s still something between us. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking on my part. Who fucking knows?

“Carter, my boy,” Ross says with a smile when he answers the door. “Come in.”

“I was hoping to speak to Indi before I leave,” I divulge as I follow him down the hall towards the kitchen.

“She’s already left for work. Sit.” Disappointment consumes me. I take a seat at the kitchen table as he sets about making us a cuppa. Is missing her a sign, or just rotten luck?

“Oh.” I hear my own displeasure in my voice.

“Tell me something?” he asks as he stops what he’s doing, turning to face me. “Do you still have feelings for Indi?” Whoa. Where did that question come from?

“What?”

“Come on, Carter. Don’t pussyfoot around with me. Do you still have feelings for my daughter, or what?” I try my best to remain calm and not give anything away.

“Why do you ask?” He exhales in frustration. I know he knows I’m avoiding answering.

“I’ll tell you why,” he says in a stern voice, walking towards the table and taking the seat opposite me. “That dick, Mark. Indiana’s boyfriend.” I can’t help but smile when he refers to him as a dick. My sentiments exactly.

“What about him?”

“He called me last night …”

“He did? Why?” My first thought is, fuck, he’s dobbed me in for accosting him in the driveway, and Ross is going to chew me out about it.

“He asked for my permission to marry Indiana.” Hell no. By the way his shoulders just slumped, I’d say he’s not too happy about it. That makes two of us. “To be honest I’m not sure how I feel about it. I’m a pretty good judge of character, and I’ve never been able to completely warm to that guy, if you know what I mean.” I sure do. I only met him for a few minutes and I didn’t like him. Under other circumstances I might, but as long as he’s associated with Indiana, I know that’s not going to happen.

“Did you give him permission?” My heart starts to race as I wait for his reply.

“Not in so many words, but I told him if it’s what my daughter wants, and if it makes her happy, than I’m fine with it. What else could I say? I’d never stand in the way of her happiness. I just don’t think she’ll get that with him.” He rubs his hands over his face as he contemplates everything. “I still can’t believe the coward rung me instead of asking me face to face. Christ, I hope she doesn’t say yes.”

“Can I ask you something else?”

“Sure,” he replies.

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because I don’t think Mark is the right man for her. Indi seems happy enough with him, but there’s something missing. That spark. I just don’t see it when they’re together. Maybe I’m just being an overprotective father. She’s all I have left, but I want her to be truly happy. I want her to experience the kind of love I shared with her mother. Is that too much to ask?” I feel my lips turn up. I couldn’t agree with him more. It still doesn’t explain why he’s telling me this.

“Do you want me to rough him up?” I ask. Maybe that’s why he’s sharing this with me.

“No. I want you to get your shit together and decide what you want.” Hold on a minute.

“You want me to be with Indi?” I look at him in disbelief. Surely he couldn’t want that.

“Yes. If that’s what you both want, of course.” My lips turn up into a smile. I like the fact he thinks I’m good enough for his daughter because I know how much she means to him. He exhales before looking me in the eye. His expression is serious. “If you still have feelings for her, which I get the impression you do, this may be your last chance. You can both deny it all you want, but I’m not stupid, Carter. I saw the way you two looked at each other all those years ago. It’s the same look I saw yesterday if I’m not mistaken. You only get one chance at true love, son. Believe me, I know. I also know my daughter. She’s as loyal as they come. If she marries him, it will be for life.”

Uneasiness settles over me with every word spoken. I swear my heart’s beating so hard I can hear it thumping in my ears. The thought of losing her to him, forever … It doesn’t sit well with me—at all.

“I don’t know what to say,” I confess, making eye contact with him as I shift around in my seat. This whole conversation is agitating me. Of course I have feelings for her. I don’t know what he expects of me though. Does he want me to marry her? He’s got rocks in his head if he thinks that’s what I want. I’m not the marrying kind. Even for her. Fuck no. Girls like her don’t marry guys like me.

“You don’t have to say anything. Just think about what I’ve said. I thought it only fair to tell you. I just wanted to make it an even playing field,” he says smiling. Cunning old fool. I fucking love this man.

“Thanks. I’ll give it some thought.” What else can I say? As much as I hate the thought of them together, is it fair to come between them when I’m not even sure I can give her what she wants? What she needs? Fuck it. Yes I can. Even if it’s just to get her away from him. She deserves better. Standing, I reach for Ross’ hand. “I’ll catch you next time I’m in town,” I say. “Can you do me a favour and keep an eye on my mum until I get back?”

“Sure thing. Are you leaving already? We didn’t even have a coffee.” He clasps his hand in mine.

“I don’t have time. What’s the address of Indi’s work?” His face lights up at my question.

“It’s just off Tuckers Road, the second street on the left. A big horse-shit coloured building. You can’t miss it.” His description of the building makes me chuckle.

“Let us know you got home safely. And don’t worry about your mum, I’ll keep a close eye on her.” He reaches out and grips my shoulder. “Remember, I’m always here if you need anything, son.”

“I know,” I reply smiling. I love that he always says that. I love that he gives a shit.

••••

As I drive towards Indi’s work my head is all over the place. This place hasn’t changed much in the five years I’ve been gone. Well, the buildings haven’t. I wish I could say the same for Indi and I. I contemplate turning around and heading back home at least ten times. I know how I feel about her, but can I really come between her and that wanker? Chasing after another guy’s girl is not my style, but this isn’t just any girl, it’s Indiana. My Indiana. She was mine first.

A song comes on over the radio. It’s one of those mushy love songs. I hate that shit. Reaching out, I go to flick the station when the chorus cuts in. The guy sings about having a hole in his heart. Why does this resonate with me? Because that’s exactly how I feel. There’s been a piece of my heart missing since the day I drove away five years ago.

Instead of changing the station, I turn it up. I listen as he sings about starting again. Is this a sign? Can we start again? Are we too far gone to get back what we once shared? Once I’ve parked, I sit in the car until the song ends. “That was Start Again, by Conrad Sewell,” the DJ announces. I rest my head on the steering wheel as I inhale a deep breath. I know in this moment, this hole will never mend until I have her again. I have to try. I’m going to regret it for the rest of my life if I don’t.

Doubt settles in. “What am I doing here?” I mumble under my breath when I exit the car. What am I going to say to her? I have no fucking clue. All I know is from the minute Ross told me that wanker was going to propose, I knew I had to see her before I left. She can’t marry him. She just can’t.

I shake my head as I walk towards the building. One thing’s for sure, Ross was right. The colour of the building does resemble horse shit. I’d say this guy has taste in his arse, but he has Indi, so that couldn’t possibly be true.

My hand rises, pushing open the glass door. “Here goes nothing,” I mutter to myself as I step inside.

Time to work on getting my girl back. Well, at least try to.