Текст книги "Lovely Distraction"

Автор книги: J. J. Dorn

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Текущая страница: 9 (всего у книги 17 страниц)

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

April 14, 2010…

It had been exactly two months since my disastrous breakup with Jamieson, if you could even call it a breakup. It was more like a wake up instead of a breakup. I think you have to actually be dating someone to breakup with them and I’m not sure you can actually be in a relationship with someone you don’t know at all. So I have decided that we weren’t actually together it was all just a figment of my imagination, or that is what I just keep telling myself as a sad attempt to feel better.

I haven’t talked to him since that day nor has he tried to contact me. I had thought he may chase after me as I ran away from his mansion of horrors but nope. There had been no contact, complete radio silence. I vowed to myself that night as I sped down his private drive that I would never go back to that house and I most certainly would never speak to him again, it was done.

“Happy Birthday, Jens!” My sister called from down the barn aisle. She was just putting one of her favorite horses away after her ride.

“Thanks.” I said glumly walking toward her.

I watched as she brushed down the horse and leaned against the stall door. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for myself. It was my birthday and I was miserable. I literally felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and then stomped on. I didn’t care that it was my birthday I just wanted to be left alone, but I had agreed to come over to my sister's for a birthday dinner.

“Everyone is up at the house,” she told me. Jacks and Lukas had built a beautiful home on the farm property. It was convenient having the house so close to the barn for Jacks.

“I’ll go find them.” I turned to head in that direction.

“Jens…wait.” Jacks had stopped brushing the horse and walked toward me.

“What?” I asked.

“How are you doing? Are you okay? You look like absolute shit,” she asked giving me a half smile.

“I don’t really know anymore. Some days are better than others, today is not so great.” I replied shrugging my shoulders.

“Has he tried to contact you?” she quizzed.

“Nope.”

“Have you tried to contact him?”

“Hell no!” I snapped.

“I was just asking. I could understand if you had,” she said softly.

“I refuse to chase after someone who clearly doesn’t want me and probably never did.” I told her defiantly.

“Do you really think that?” Jacks questioned.

“Do I really believe I won’t chase him? Or do I really believe he never wanted me?” I asked confused at her question.

“Do you really think he never wanted you?” she clarified.

I let out a frustrated breath. “I don’t know Jacks. I just don’t know anymore. I never thought he would have done what he did so I have no clue.”

She thought about what I said as she went past me to put her brushes away in the tack room. I rolled the stall door shut and followed her.

“Do you want to know what I think?” she asked.

“Sure.”

“Alright you need to sit down for this,” she said pointing towards a huge tack box across from her.

I obliged her and sat down.

“I think he loved you or does love you—”

I cut her off immediately. “Jacks, you know that’s not true.”

“Look do you want to hear what I have to say or not?”

“Yes.” I said in defeat. I knew this wasn’t going to be what I wanted to hear but I also knew my sister was wise beyond her years and whatever she had to tell me would help heal my wounds.

“The reason I say I think he loved you is because this is exactly what I went through with Ethan.” she stated coolly, leaning back against her big wood desk in the corner of the tack room. “I know I haven’t told you the whole story of what happened between Ethan and I but now is probably the right time to share it. We were in love, that I have absolutely no doubt of. We were insane for each other. We spent every waking minute with each other. It happened fast and I just knew. He awakened something in me that I didn’t know was there and I knew I did the same for him. Thinking back about it, it was mad. I had never felt like that before. The way he made me feel was out of this world, Jenna. I know you know what I’m talking about because I could see that is how Jamieson made you feel. I could also see that he felt the same about you. The way he looked at you said it all. He was wrapped up in you.” Jacks paused and let out a breath. I could see she was reliving the things with her and Ethan.

“What happened with you and Ethan?” I asked softly.

Jacks eyes settled on me but I could tell she was miles away back in time. “He cheated on me.”

“Did you walk in on him like I did with Jamieson?” I asked curiously.

“No, I think I would have preferred that to what really happened. Do you remember three years ago when cousin Emily was getting married?” Emily and her sister Amy were our only cousins. My mother was an only child and my father had only one sister. Growing up we had spent a fair amount of time with Emily and Amy but as we got older we grew apart.

“Yeah. I couldn’t go because it was during exams.” I was confused what cousin Emily’s wedding had to do with any of this.

“Well, it was the night of the rehearsal dinner. I had decided not to bring a date even though I wanted desperately to ask Ethan but it was such a new relationship I just didn’t know if that was right to invite him. I knew he had something he had to do that weekend anyways so I decided to not mention it to him. God I wish I could go back in time.” She said to herself catching her breath before she continued. “When I got to the restaurant I was the last to arrive. I walked in and everyone was already sitting down, but when I got close to the table I saw him. He was there. He was sitting between Amy and Aunt Desiree. I was so confused at him being there. At first I thought maybe he was surprising me but then I saw he was holding Amy’s hand and I felt sick. I tried to retreat but Mom saw me and ushered me into my seat. She then proceeded to go around the table and introduce me to everyone and when she got to Ethan she said he was Amy’s boyfriend.”

“Oh God Jacks! I’m so sorry, that is horrible. What did you do? What did he say?” I asked hurriedly.

“I didn’t make a scene I quietly sat in my chair and carried on conversations around me. I could tell he was freaking out though. He looked petrified. I wanted to freak out and yell and scream but I knew that would only ruin Emily’s day so I refrained. As soon as dinner was over I left. I knew Mom could tell something was wrong with me but she thankfully left me alone. When I got home he was there waiting for me. I tried to push past him into my door but he refused to leave.” Jacks closed her eyes and I could tell she was willing herself not to cry. My heart broke for her. At least Jamieson had cheated on me with some random bimbos and not my freaking cousin.

“I can’t believe he was cheating on you with cousin Amy,” I told her in shock.

“He wasn’t really; he was cheating on Amy with me. He explained to me that they had been dating for almost a year and were on a break, whatever that means. He said she wanted to get married but he wasn’t sure so he suggested they take a break. Well it seems I was the stupid break. He told me he loved me. He begged for me to forgive him for not telling him but I couldn’t understand if they were on a break why he was there at the wedding acting like Amy’s boyfriend. It didn’t make sense and I knew that anything built on such a lie would never survive so I ended it. I told him I didn’t want anything to do with him and that was the last time I spoke to him. When I saw him at the wedding he looked miserable but I was unwavering. I didn’t want anything to do with him. I knew that love couldn’t grow out of such deceit. At the time I was convinced it was all a lie and he never did love me but now years later watching you go through something similar I see things differently. I know that Ethan and I had been in love. I know that because of the way he made me feel. No one has ever made me feel that way and I know there is no one out there that can, only love can do that.”

I was dumbfounded at what Jacks was saying.

“What about Lukas?” I asked in shock.

“Don’t get me wrong, Jens, I love Lukas. I thank God every day for bringing him into my life when he did. But it is different with Lukas, not better not worse, just different. Ethan changed me. He scarred my heart badly and Lukas thankfully was able to mend it back together.” She paused folding her arms across her chest. “I know what you are going through, Jens. I have been knee deep in that pain you’re in. But you have to be honest with yourself it is the only way you can move on. Jamieson Wellington is a prick and a grade-A asshole, but in all honesty he probably did love you, he just couldn’t handle it for whatever reason. And that is the real mystery not whether or not he loved you.”

I didn’t reply right away. I sat quietly digesting what she was saying. I knew she was probably right. I also knew that it was unlikely I would ever learn the real reason he pushed me away. But Jacks was right, if I wanted to move on I had to be honest about it to myself. I couldn’t avoid the pain by denying it, I had to accept it and go through it.

“Thanks for telling me all this, Jacks.”

“I’m sorry you are going through this. I wanted to think Jamieson was different than Ethan but I should have known better. The Wellington’s are a special breed of heartbreakers. But you will get over him Jenna, it will just take time,” she told me solemnly.

“I know that. I’m glad I will be leaving for Vanderbilt soon. Audrey agreed to move with me in July instead of waiting for August. I think a change of scenery will help me.” I told her optimistically.

“I know it will.” She said giving me a half smile. “Now come on, let’s go eat some cake and ice cream.”

Jacks and I made the walk across the field toward the house side by side. I was still processing what she had told me and it struck me. Would I ever truly unravel the mystery that was Jamieson Wellington or would I spend the rest of my life wondering?

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

We were still sitting on my couch and it had been hours. Jamieson had not yet finished divulging his true motives all those years ago and I was in shock. It still just didn’t seem real.

“They agreed to a merger of sorts between the two companies. Lars would back the loan I needed for the new distillery and also they agreed to sell Wellington Whiskey in all their restaurants and bars exclusively. I could not understand why on earth Lars and Violet would ever be so kind as to help me after the outrageous things I had done.”

“No kidding. You didn’t deserve any of their help, Jamieson. Lars and Violet had no reason to help you after what you had done.” I reiterated.

“I understand, but there was a catch.” He said.

“There was?” I asked.

“I had to take Trinity back to the states with me, give her a job and watch over her.” He confessed.

“Wait, what? Why?” I demanded.

“Trinity has a self-control problem as you have already seen. She is immature and a total brat. She is basically a debutant. Her parents were exasperated with her and her childish behavior. They decided it was time for her to grow up. So they put a hold on her inheriting a large portion of the company until she can prove she can settle down and grow up.”

“But why you? Why Alabama? Why not send her away somewhere else?” I questioned.

“Honestly, I think they were just sick of her and wanted her far enough away she couldn’t embarrass them. Trinity has burned a lot of bridges in London and is the topic of tabloids constantly. Before I came to London she was involved with a married billionaire. He wouldn’t leave his wife so she decided to leak their relationship to the press as revenge. Lars and Violet hoped sending her to Alabama would make her fall of the radar for a while.”

“Did it work?” I asked.

Jamieson let out a sarcastic laugh. “Yes and no. Here there are no tabloids for her to star in so that has helped but as for her settling down, not even close. She hardly comes into work and when she does she is a nuisance. She has convinced herself that the easiest way to convince her parents she has settled down is to marry me.”

“What? Didn’t you tell her that you were only dating her for her stake in the company?” I could feel the rage inside me coming back two-fold.

“Yes, of course I told her. I came clean to Trinity the same day I confessed to her parents. I drove back to London that night sat her down and told her everything. She of course went ballistic and rightfully so. I apologized profusely but then I had to tell her the plan her parents had come up with. She flipped out and went totally nuts. I swear that woman screamed for hours. Finally she calmed down enough to rationalize things. She agreed to move to Alabama. We moved the following week and since then we have been living here in Huntsville.”

“Okay… but why is she convinced you two are going to get married? What are you doing to lead her on Jamieson? Obviously she has some reason to think the way she does!” I snapped at him.

“No she doesn’t! I have been completely honest with her since the night I told her everything in London. Trinity is just crazy. She refuses to work for her share in her parent’s company she wants it to be just handed to her. She even tried to blackmail me into marrying her. She won’t leave me alone and she won’t drop this charade she has going in her mind. I feel bad for leading her on the way I did, but damn it she has to get over it. She needs to move on.”

I think about what Jamieson had just told me for a minute trying to put myself in Trinity’s shoes. “She loves you, doesn’t she?”

It was a simple question but I already knew the answer, Jamieson didn’t really need to tell me. Only a desperate, crazy, insanely in love person would act the way Trinity was, right or wrong.

“I don’t know. Maybe…probably,” he huffed out in frustration.

“Do you love her?” I quizzed him.

“No! Why would you ask me that?” he demanded a bit frantic.

“It’s a fair question. You were together for quite some time. Maybe you developed feelings for her.” I said calmly trying not to show my true anxious feelings.

“I don’t love her, Jenna. I never loved her. At one point I may have liked her okay, but it was never love. I feel a sense of responsibility for her though. It is my fault she has these feelings for me. I created them and unfortunately she now has to live with them.” He concluded glumly.

“I feel bad for her. I know what it’s like to love a lie and then struggle to believe the truth.”

He understood I was talking about him. “Jenna, it’s not the same.”

“It’s not?”

“No, it’s not. I didn’t lie to you about having feelings for you that was all true. I loved you Jenna, I never deceived you about that,” he argued.

“Really? I don’t believe that for a second. If you really loved me you wouldn’t have slept with two bimbos that night and cast me aside like I was nothing.” I bit back at him.

“Is that what you think? You think I just easily cast you aside? You know nothing! I was depressed for months more like years over our breakup. There hasn’t been a day that I haven’t thought about you, dreamt about you and worried about you. I know it was hard for you, Jenna. I know I put you though unimaginable pain but please don’t pretend like you were the only one struggling. I was right there with you just as miserable missing you and hating myself every day for the choices I had made. And for your information I did not sleep with anyone that night!”

I was overwhelmed by his words. Jamieson had never truly admitted to me that he was heartbroken over our breakup. I had told myself for years it had only been me in pain, this new reality was hard to accept.

“Wait, what do you mean you didn’t sleep with the bimbos?” I finally caught the last part of his declaration.

“Just what I said, I never slept with them. I had on shorts and boxers under the sheets. They were naked but I didn’t touch them.” He paused for a short breath and ran his hands over his head contemplating his next words. “I could have, but I didn’t. I was in love with you, Jenna. You were the only woman I wanted naked in my bed then and now.”

“Jamieson—” I started but was immediately cut off.

“I know, Jenna. You don’t have to remind me that I ruined everything. I understand that better than anyone but I refuse to hide my feelings from you any longer. I know you know it was no surprise I ended up on the same plane as you bound for Las Vegas. I admit I sought you out. I had to see you again before it was too late.”

I shook my head in disbelief. “Why Jamieson, why did you have to do it. I was happy.”

“No you weren’t, Jenna. The minute you began talking to me in that booth I knew you weren’t happy. You lit up when you saw me just like you used to do and that’s when I knew that things weren’t over between us. I knew I could never have that effect on you if you truly loved someone else.”

I couldn’t argue with that. I may have been willing to marry Cain but deep down inside of me I knew I didn’t love him like I loved Jamieson.

“Jamieson…I don’t think things can ever be the same between us. Too much has happened. Too much time has passed. I won’t deny that I have feelings for you. I probably will always have them. I accepted that fact a long time ago but that doesn’t mean I am willing to chance getting my heart broken by you a second time. I mean look what has already happened. My life has literally imploded since you have reemerged in it. I have lost my fiancé, my wedding, my job, my life plan and even my apartment. I literally have nothing left except my heart for you to obliterate and that I refuse to risk, not again.” I told him defiantly. I then stood up and nervously made my way to the kitchen for some distance.

He followed me. I had my back to him and was leaning over the sink trying to maintain my resilience.

“What do you mean you lost your apartment?” Seriously that is the only the only thing he heard in that entire conversation?

I didn’t turn around to face him. I couldn’t, I was too ashamed at my own misfortune. “Since I lost my job and so far have yet to find another, thanks to the Stratford’s deep ties to the legal community here. I can no longer afford my rent and my student loans. I move out next week.” I told him.

“Where will you go?” he asked in a gentle tone.

“Jacks’, her and Lukas have a spare room.”

“You can’t do that.” he said simply in return.

“I have to. It won’t be so bad. I will get to see Libby every day and I can help Jacks now that she is pregnant again.” Jacks had announced a few months ago she was pregnant and she just recently found out she was having a boy. Celebrating the upcoming birth of my nephew was the only thing I did look forward to these days.

“Don’t move in with your sister, move in with me.”

I spun around to face him; sure I would see his pity. But when I did see his face I was unnerved. Jamieson’s face didn’t hold pity, it held only kindness.

“Thank you for offering, but I can’t.” I told him simply.

“You are my wife, Jenna, it’s only right for us to live together.” He replied sternly but cautiously.

“We both know this marriage is not real.” I huffed out in frustration.

“Fine. Let me pay for your rent then.” I could tell his frustration level was increasing.

“No, I refuse to take your money, Jamieson.” I snapped and turned back around leaning over the sink. I willed myself not to cry.

I heard him shift his weight behind me and let out a ragged breath. “Look, I have a huge house. You can take the spare room. You can do whatever you like to it; make it completely your space. I can have all the stuff moved out of it and all of yours moved in this week. Just let me know and it will be done.”

This was the Jamieson I remembered. The sweet but take no excuses man that demanded so much and left me questioning his motives. I considered his offer for a half a second before remembering our circumstances.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“I know you don’t, but I promise it will be fine,” he said with a hint of optimism.

“Let me think about it. I need to think about a lot of things.” I realized we were at an impasse for the evening.

“Fine, do that.”

I didn’t hear him close the distance between us but I felt him standing right behind me.

“Jamieson…” I didn’t really know what I was going to say, his name just came out through the electricity in the air.

He placed one strong palm on my hip shifting me to face him once again.

“I know you don’t trust me, Jenna and I also know you have every right to those feelings, but I promise I will not hurt you again. Please just let me help you.”

His kindness broke the well-built dam inside me and a lone tear slipped down my cheek. Jamieson reached up with his free hand and brushed it away.

“I’m sorry I hurt you, Jenna. I know hearing my truth tonight was hard but you needed to know, it was time.” He whispered softly while still cupping the side of my face.

“I do appreciate you telling me everything finally but it doesn’t make it any less hurtful.” “I know that. I am solely to blame for the mess that was made. Please just know that there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you, Jenna. All you need to do is ask.” he said pulling me towards him. I went willing into his arms and he kissed my forehead as he held me tightly. His hard chest felt like heaven. I had missed him all these years. I had missed the safety I felt when I was with him. It was odd feeling so cherished in the arms of someone so deceitful.