Текст книги "Panic"

Автор книги: J. A. Huss

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Chapter Ten – ROOK

“Did you have a nice birthday, Rook?” Ronin unzips my dress and I wriggle out of it, just an itty-bitty bit drunk. He laughs as I wobble. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

Once the dress is gone all I have on are my panties. I watch helplessly as Ronin hangs the gown up. “This was the best birthday of my life. And thank you so much for the camera. You did not have to do that for me. But I love it. I’m gonna start filming tomorrow and I’ll never stop. Ever.”

That camera is like something else. It looks like a mini-version of the cameras the film crew use for the show. I have no idea how to use it but how lucky am I? I have a film team at my disposal to teach me. I smile at this as Ronin guides me over to the bed and pushes me until I sit down. Once I get some momentum going it’s hard to stop and I end up lying all the way back.

“I’m drunk,” I say, laughing.

The lights go out and then Ronin’s bare skin slips up next to my own. “I know. It’s a good thing we had mind-blowing sex before the party.” He nuzzles into my neck and pulls me close to him, just like he does every night. “I love you, Rook. I hope you know that.”

I sigh into his perfect muscular chest and then trace my fingertips down the length of his stomach. “I know that.”

And that’s it for Rook. My night is over.

I wake early, dying of thirst. I swallow down my cotton mouth and disentangle myself from Ronin.

“Where’re you going, Gidget?” he asks groggily.

“Water,” I croak.

I get up, slip on a dirty t-shirt draped over a chair near the window, and pad out to the kitchen and grab a bottled water. I gulp it all down and then fill it back up with the tap water and do it again. My gaze wanders over to the dining room table and I spy my presents. I have no memory of carrying them upstairs, but here they are.

I got a bunch of stuff. Some clothes, girly hair accessories, and some sapphire earrings from Elise and Antoine. A journal and two tickets to the opera from Ford and his pet. Spencer gave me a custom-painted black leather biker jacket with zippers. It has Gidget painted down one arm and Blackbird down the other. Like each of these men have made a claim on me. The back of the jacket is a giant blackbird logo with the words Shrike Fucking Bikes painted inside a red circle that surrounds the bird.

Even Veronica got me a gift. A gift certificate for a free tattoo at her shop up in Fort Collins.

But it was Ronin’s gift that touched my heart.

The camera. A camera I can make movies with. I open up the box and start unpacking. It’s got interchangeable lenses. I don’t know a whole lot about camcorders, but I do know that it’s not normal to be able to change lenses on them. Which means this camera is a BFD. When I check the clock it’s only five fifteen AM. I do a search for my phone and find it on the little table over my the front door, and then call Ford.

“Miss Corvus, we do not have a date this morning.”

I laugh. “I know, Ford. But I’m looking at my camera that Ronin got me and I want to start filming now. I have things to capture before I leave this place. Can you come help me set it up?”

“Did you charge the battery last night?” he asks with doubt.

“Um, no,” I say, disappointed.

“OK, well, I’ll grab a camera and bring it to you. How’s that?”

Happiness overtakes the disappointment. I guess he’s serious about this friend stuff. “Thank you.”

“Meet me on the terrace in fifteen minutes.”

I wash up, change into some jeans and one of the Shrike Rook shirts Spencer made for me, and then pull on my red Converse shoes. I keep waiting for these things to fall apart, but they never do. They have holes in the top near the toe and there’s even a little hole in the bottom of the left one. So my feet totally get wet in the rain. But I don’t care. Besides the backpack I left my last foster home with, these ratty shoes are the last thing I own from my life before Jon. I take it as a sign that the old me is still around. Somewhere.

By the time I get to the terrace Ford is ready. He’s got a camera like mine upstairs and he’s pointing it at me as I walk towards him.

“You’re up, Rook. I’m your cameraman. Say what’s on your mind.”

“Oh, now I’m nervous.” I giggle. “OK, well, I just want to show…” I stop and take a deep breath and start again. “I just want to capture what’s happened to me. What this place did for me and how it all started.”

“All what started, Rook?” Ford asks from behind the camera.

“The journey back.” He says nothing to this, just waits for me. “The journey back to myself.” And then I point to the swing. “And it all started right there.” I walk over to the swing and take a seat. “It started under these trees last spring. When they were filled with flowers and they smelled so incredible, the scent was almost overwhelming. And the very first night I spent here at Chaput Studios Ronin pushed me in this swing.” I look up at Ford and he’s smiling. I lean back and kick my feet out in front of me, pumping my legs to gain some momentum to push myself in the swing.

“And then he started asking me personal questions and I jumped off.” I jump and land on my feet this time. “That was my very first night in the garden apartment. That’s how my new life started.” I take Ford over there and we go inside and I sit in each room and tell the camera some memory about it. Afterward we go back out on the terrace and he shoots me standing with a view of Coors Field behind me and I talk about our running.

We go through the whole studio. We hit the two-story-tall windows where I had my test shoot with Antoine, the dressing room where Ronin gave me all those clothes, and the salon where Elise washed my hair. Then make our way upstairs where a sleeping Ronin jumps up in surprise when we enter the bedroom.

“What’s going on, Gidge?” he asks, still groggy.

“I’m recording my life here with you for posterity, that’s what.” I jump into bed with him and Ford sets the camera down on a chair and walks away.

“I’ll see you two this afternoon. That camera is still on, Rook.”

Ronin tackles me and rolls me over on my back. “You’re trying to make a sex tape with me?”

I laugh. “No! I just want a little film of us in private. That’s all.”

“Mmmm,” he growls. “But in private we do lots of naughty things, so that means right now we have to be sweet.”

“I like sweet.”

“Me too,” he says, nipping my earlobe until I squeal. “I’m gonna miss you real bad, Gidget. I’m gonna go crazy down here thinking about you up there with Spencer and Ford.”

“And I’m gonna go crazy up there thinking about you down here with Clare and the GIDGET models.”

“There’s only one Gidget for me and that’s you.”

“And I belong to you, Ronin Flynn.”

He flops back and pulls me onto his chest. “God, I want to hear you say that again.”

“I belong to Ronin.”

His lips find mine, kissing me softly, his hand slipping inside my t-shirt to tickle my stomach. “And I belong to Rook.”

Chapter Eleven – RONIN

“How?” Rook asks me with a totally sincere expression on her face. “How will I ever survive until Friday afternoon without you?” Her fingers dance along the arm of the new couch I bought her, along with all the other furniture in her little basement apartment. “I’m gonna be bored to death.”

“You won’t be. Spencer and the guys will keep you busy. Besides, I bet Veronica will be here all the time.”

“Unless Spencer gets sick of her because he’s got commitment issues,” she sneers.

I finish up with the surround sound set-up and then grab the remote to check it out. The TV comes on and I flip through the guide until I see a movie she might like. “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!” blares from eleven strategically placed speakers in her large basement apartment in Spencer’s farmhouse.

Rook turns quickly. “Bruce! Oh, I love Bruce. And this Die Hard is the best!”

It’s the second one and I agree. “See, you forgot about me already.”

She saunters up to me and wiggles against my leg, making me laugh. “You’re the one who hooked up the movies. All I need is a popcorn machine and I’m set.”

“I’ll put it on the list, ma’am.”

“You can’t call me ma’am and not jump my bones, Mr. cute-total-stranger-cable-guy-who-just-showed-up-to-hook-up-my-surround-sound.”

“I jumped your bones twice today already. But if you need it again I’m happy to oblige.” I wink at her. “Ma’am.”

“Will you miss me?” she asks, suddenly insecure.

“More than you’ll miss me, that’s for sure. You have Ford and Spencer, they’re already friends, so it’s not like you’ll be alone. I have no one.”

She snorts. “That’s not true. You have Clare.”

“I can’t hang out with Clare. What do we have in common? Nothing.”

“You’re her boss now, right? She’s the main Gidget model?”

“Yeah, but she needs that job, Rook. She needs to stay busy until she’s confident that she won’t slip back into her old habits. If you’re jealous, you should save yourself the angst because I’m not interested in Clare. At all. She’s like a fucking sister to me now.”

Rook wraps her arms around me and whispers, “Thank you. I just needed to hear it one more time.”

I kiss her sweetly. “You’re welcome. Now walk me up, because I have to get back to Denver and you need to settle in. I guess there’s a big party planned for tomorrow with all the Shrike cast members, so that will be fun, right?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

We walk up stairs and meet the guys in the living room.

“Hey, you leaving already, Ronin?” Spencer asks from the kitchen. “Not gonna stay for the Let’s-Embarrass-Rook welcome dinner?”

“Ha, ha, Spencer,” Rook says as we walk past.

“No, I gotta get back. Roger and I have casting bullshit tomorrow. We need to sort through the audition pics and figure out if we can fill up all the spots for GIDGET.”

“Don’t strain yourself, Ronin,” Ford says dryly from the dining room where he’s messing around with a tablet. “And don’t worry about Rook, I’ll take care of her while she’s here.”

“Ford—”

“Relax, Larue,” Rook interjects as she rubs my arm. “He’s messing with you. Come on, let’s go outside, I have a gift for you.”

She tugs on my hand and when I look at the expression on her face I know she’s up to something, so I follow. “What’s that look for? You’re being sneaky?”

We pass by her Shrike Rook bike as we walk to the truck and I catch her eyeing it with longing. “You gonna ride that thing, you think?”

“Absolutely. I can’t wait.”

“Hmmm, I’m not sure about that, Rook. It makes me nervous. Don’t ride it alone, OK? Make sure you’ve got Spence or one of the shop guys with you.”

I lean back against the truck as she pushes herself into me and purrs in my ear, “You worry too much, Larue. I’m a big girl. I’m only gonna ride it for a few weeks before it starts snowing. Besides, I have the Shrike truck to hold me over until I figure out what kind of car I want.”

“And that’s another thing—”

“Don’t start with me! I’m buying my own car, I already told you that.”

I lean down and kiss her gently. “What were you gonna give me, Gidget?” Her hands slip under my t-shirt and chills ride up my body. “Fuck, I’m gonna miss you.”

“Well,” she coos in my ear. “I’m gonna miss you too. But the gift I’m giving you before you leave is my heart.”

And then she turns her bright blue eyes up at me and I feel it.

I’m not a romantic, I’m really not. I believe in love and all that shit, and I like to make girls happy with presents and careful attention as far as sex goes. But this is something else entirely. She makes my heart ache. Literally. My chest feels like it’s gonna be ripped apart from the longing, that’s how much I love this girl. “I’m totally taking that gift, Rook. And I’m never giving it back, so please don’t ask for it.”

“I’m not sure where we’re headed, Ronin. I have to be honest about that. I know you’re ready to settle down, but I’m not there yet. So I hope you’re patient with me. I just started school and parts of it aren’t fun, so maybe I don’t have what it takes to get a college degree. But I need to figure that out. I might need to go and do all that stuff before I’m ready to settle. Will you be OK with that?”

“Gidget, I’m ready to stand back or step in. You just tell me which one you need and I’m there.”

“Just love me, because I love you. I really do. And tonight, when the reality of today sets in and I have to crawl into that cold bed alone, I’m gonna cry my eyes out.”

Awwww. I lean down and feather little kisses across her lips. “You better call me if you do. In fact, you can call me any time you want and I’ll be there, OK? You need me to drive up, just say so. You need to come down for a day, just show up. I don’t care what time it is, what day it is, or what else I’m doing. You’re my life, Rook. You’re my future, but I’m not in a rush, babe. I’m not. I can wait, so just do your thing, OK?”

She kisses me and the whole world disappears. Just blips out of existence for me. When she kisses me there is nothing but her tender lips and my pounding heart. There is nothing but the buzzing of her essence coursing in my blood and penetrating my soul. There is nothing but us.

“We’re an us,” I say impulsively and she giggles into my mouth.

“We’re definitely an us.”

I gather her face gently into my cupped hands and tip her head up. “If you need me, Rook. I’m here, OK, babe? I’m here. You can come to me with anything.”

We hug one last time and then I reluctantly get into the truck and drive away, my eyes flickering between the road in front of me and the beautiful girl waving goodbye in Spencer Shrike’s driveway.

I hope Ford is wrong, I swear. Because I might die, that’s how bad this makes my heart ache. I might die if she checks out on me and walks away.

Chapter Twelve – ROOK

I watch Ronin drive off and suddenly my stomach is twisting into billions of knots. This is probably a mistake. I have so little confidence in what I’m doing with my life, and now that he’s gone and I’m here all alone, every decision feels like the wrong one.

“You coming inside? Or you just gonna stand outside and cry?”

Ford is over by my bike. He’s wearing jeans and a Shrike Rook t-shirt, which I’m hoping Ronin didn’t notice because that’s weird. “Why are you wearing that shirt? To piss Ronin off?”

He looks down at his shirt, pretending to be surprised. “It’s a blackbird, Rook. It barely looks like you at all.”

And then he flashes me that chin dimple and I laugh. “Save it, you’re a horrible actor. Besides, the blackbird has blue eyes and the fucking shirt says Rook right across the top.”

“Yes, but that’s the name of the bike. This one in fact.” He smiles smugly as he points to my bike.

“Whatever.”

“I have a present for you, come inside.”

Ford doesn’t wait for me to agree or watch to see if I follow, he simply turns and walks off. And even though I know what that means, I follow anyway. It’s not like I really have a choice. I have to go back inside at some point. Might as well do it his way and get a gift out of it. I end up in the great room that connects to the kitchen. Spencer has been cooking all freaking afternoon and it smells awesome. Ford is back at the table flipping through a stack of papers.

“Hmmm,” I mumble as Spencer hands me plates and silverware.

“Hmmm, what?” Ford asks, not bothering to look up at me.

“I live with two guys. I never really thought of it that way, but it’s pretty clear now.”

“We promise not to walk around naked too much, Blackbird.”

“Or bring stray pets home.” Ford smirks, still concentrating on his work.

“Set the table, Rook, and get the drinks. I won’t card you because it’s your first night, but just remember I’m doing you a favor and you owe me.”

I shake my head and pass out the plates and silverware and then get us three beers. Spence only has one kind and it’s from the microbrewery in FoCo, which is kinda cool. “I might regret staying here with you guys. Ford, get your shit off the table, we’re eating now.”

“See, Ford. Told you, she’s already bossin’.”

Ford stacks up his stuff and puts everything but one large yellow envelope over on the living room coffee table. “What’s this one?” I ask, pointing to the thick package.

“Your gift. But let’s eat first.”

I look over to Spencer as he sets the basket of bread on the table and then goes back to get the spaghetti. “Don’t get excited, Rook. It’s not something cool like a motorcycle. I mean, he gave you opera tickets last night for fuck’s sake.” Spencer practically snorts. “His gifts are as lame as his personality. No wonder he has slaves instead of girlfriends.”

And then Ford glares at Spencer so hard I wonder if it might come with a growl.

“Sorry,” Spencer says quickly, looking over at me. “Sorry, that came out wrong.”

I swallow and try to ignore the awkward moment by grabbing some bread as Spencer dishes out pasta on my plate. “Well—here we are,” I mumble into the silence.

“Yeah, well, let’s toast. Rook, I knew you were my blackbird when I first laid eyes on you”—I blush a little. I didn’t expect something personal—“and I was right. You were the perfect model for my paintings and you’re gonna be the perfect addition to my new show. I’m so glad you talked that caveman boyfriend of yours into letting you come join me here. I’d kiss ya, but something tells me you liked it a little too much when we did that last summer, so I’ll spare you the embarrassment of fawning all over me and keep it professional.” He winks and I laugh.

“I still don’t see it,” Ford mumbles. “How? How is that desirable, Rook? If I were toasting I’d say—” He clears his throat. “To Rook, the girl who got back up. The girl who never looks back. I hope you find your dream and it’s everything you ever wanted.”

“Awwww, Ford.”

“And to the end of her first failed fucking marriage because it’s official! May you never have another!” We all shout “Cheers!” together and clink bottles. I knew Ford was working on it, but he never said anything about it happening so soon. “Annulment, Rook. Like it never happened. You are hereby legally a marriage virgin.”

“Thanks so much, Ford. Is that what’s in the envelope?”

“No, that shit’s over there in the living room. This,” he says, holding up the envelope, “is your future.”

I hold my breath for a moment and then let it out. “What’s in it?”

“Everything you’ll need to apply to CU Boulder and an interview with the film department head.”

“What?” I’m stunned. “How? And why? I’ll never get in so soon, Ford. I’m not even done with one semester. And I might suck at this college stuff, I’m not doing well in math, so maybe—”

“Stop,” Ford says in a serious voice. “You’ll be fine. I’ve already chatted with the higher-ups and they’re giving you life credit for the reality show work. That’s enough to declare film your major. You will have to actually get in. But really, Rook, if I did all this, do you think I’d leave you hanging?”

I shake my head. He never would, I know this to be true.

“I’ve got a lot more in this envelope but we’ll do that later this week.”

“Good,” Spencer says through a mouthful of spaghetti. “Because this school shit is boring the fuck out me. Let’s talk about bikes. Or tits.”

“How did I get here? We’re Three’s Company. Spencer is airhead Chrissy, Ford is intellectual Janet, and I’m pretending to be gay so I don’t notice that you two are roommate eye-candy.”

Spencer looks over to Ford. “What the hell did that have to do with tits?”

Ford just shakes his head and laughs.

God, I love these guys.

Chapter Thirteen – ROOK

After dinner Spencer goes out to the shop to work on his bikes and Ford kicks back on the couch, setting up my camera, as I do dishes. Every other word out of his mouth is ‘fuck’.

“How’s it going in there?”

“Fuck.”

“You don’t have to do that, you know. I can ask one of the camera guys tomorrow.”

He grunts in response.

“You know, I think that white thing on the floor by your foot is actually the manual.”

He looks up at me slowly and screws up his face, then goes back to pretending to not need said three-hundred-page book on the floor.

Typical man.

“Tell me what this school stuff is about, Ford. I’m starting to freak out a little. I’m not ready for that. I’m barely making it in math and—”

“I hired you a tutor, stop worrying,” he says as he messes with a camera lens.

“What tutor?”

“At the community college. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays at seven PM. Just show up, I already set it up and he’ll show you exactly what to do so you pass the tests.”

I’m staring at him over the bar that separates the kitchen from the living room. “Him who?”

“Um—” Ford gets up and grabs the envelope and shuffles though the paperwork. “Gage something. He’s a senior in engineering. Sounds like a real nerd, which means he’s perfect.” Ford goes back to the camera gear and snaps in the battery. “There, I think it’s ready now. But you will need to read the manual, otherwise you might as well be using your iPhone to make movies.”

I start the dishwasher and go plop down on the couch next to Ford. “Thank you. I’m so excited about this. I’m gonna start making movies like now.”

He puts his arm around me and gives me a squeeze. “You’re gonna be good at this, I can tell. You wanna go shoot Spencer in compromising positions and then edit the shit out of it to make him look stupid?”

I lean over and kiss Ford on the cheek. It’s impulsive and he almost has a small freakout before he shuts it off. “Sorry, didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, but you’re awesome.”

He disentangles himself from me and gets up, pulling me up with him. “I enjoy it, Rook. Being with you feels normal. I should be thanking you.”

We grab all the gear and spend the rest of the evening fucking around with Spencer in the shop. We even get him to lip-sync that Bad to the Bone song into a socket wrench. And by the time I get back to my basement apartment I’m feeling a lot better about my decision to come up here and live with Spence to do this show. My phone beeps an incoming text just as I settle back on my couch and turn on the TV.

My heart flutters a little as I read the text.

Dear Rook (AKA Gidget),

I’ve never had the urge to write a love letter but I’m lying in bed, looking over at your side, wondering if I can somehow change your mind about this whole deal and talk you into coming the fuck home. (I’m a selfish asshole, I know.) But I get that you need this so I’ll just say this instead: I felt like I was leaving a piece of my soul behind the moment I left. And every second that passes, I miss you like that, times a million.

Love,

Ronin (AKA Larue)

I press call under his name and he picks up on the first ring. “Ronin Flynn, you are like a door.”

He laughs. “It was that touching, huh?”

“Not a window where you can see through to the other side and be sure of what’s coming. But a door, still closed and leading to every opportunity imaginable and requiring a leap of faith that the risk is worth it. You are my doorway to endless possibilities and I’m ready to take that risk.”

I can hear him swallow on the other end and when he’s done his words rumble out in his deep, sexy voice. “Rook, I’m not a risk, I’m a sure thing. You’re the only girl I want to build a future with. Ever. You’re the one, Rook. The love that only comes around once in a lifetime and I refuse to settle for anything else.”

He’s perfect. Simply perfect. “I love your love letter, Larue. It made me sigh like a schoolgirl.”

“Well, you are a schoolgirl, right? I think I’m gonna have to go looking for a little tartan skirt and some knee socks. Dress you all up in a sexy outfit this weekend.”

“If you do that, I might have to be bad on purpose, Mr. Flynn.”

“Don’t tease, Gidget, or I’ll spank you.”

“You promise that so much and never come through. I hardly get excited about it anymore.”

He guffaws this time and I can practically picture his gorgeous smile lighting up his electric blue eyes. “I can’t fucking wait until Friday.”

I giggle a little as I picture our Friday. “I might just ditch class early, Mr. Flynn.”

“And that will earn you two spankings, Miss Corvus.”

“Promises, promises.”

After Ronin and I hang up I read the text over and over again. A letter. It’s sorta old-fashioned and sweet. I look over at the camera and the idea that started this morning with saying goodbye to my latest journey through life with a wrap-up of Chaput Studios gives me another one. I set up the camera on the small kitchen table, sit down in front of it, and turn it on. I take a deep breath and begin to talk.

“Dear Rook at age fifteen. Your life is not over. Wade Minix was not your one. I wish you’d stop crying and being depressed and just make yourself get over it, because I’m Rook at age twenty and I know better. I know that your one is waiting for you five years in the future and his name is not Wade. I wish I could warn you to stay far, far away from that diner where you meet Jon. I wish I could warn you that moving out to that house with him in the country will be the biggest mistake of your life.”

I take a deep breath and then continue.

“I wish I could tell you what to watch out for, when to say no, when to walk out, and when to never look back. But I can’t. Because you need to do all those things without my help. You need to learn all those lessons. You need to experience all that fear and pain and desperation. You need to see all that stuff. Because at the end of all those bad things, there is a sweet and gentle man named Ronin Flynn.”

The tears start to flow down my face as I allow myself to feel a small fraction of the emotions I’ve bottled up in the name of survival since I left Chicago.

I get up and turn the camera off and take another deep breath.

I’m ready.

I’m ready to accept what happened and let it go. I’m not quite sure how I’m gonna do that and I’m not quite sure what will happen when I confront the past and take a good hard look at all those memories. I just know that I’m tired of pretending that girl is not me. Ronin deserves a girl who is whole. He’s done so much for me that I owe him this. I owe him a whole girl who can accept his protection and love without constantly being afraid she’ll make the same mistake twice.