Текст книги "Panic"
Автор книги: J. A. Huss
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Текущая страница: 4 (всего у книги 17 страниц)
Chapter Seven – ROOK
“What are you laughing about?” Ronin asks later as his hands slip around my waist and slide down to rub my stomach.
I’m standing over by my old garden apartment looking down at the people on the street. It’s Friday night, so it’s really busy. I turn to face him and casually drape my arms over his shoulders. “You know me pretty well, Larue. I thought for sure dinner would be something funky and French.”
He chuckles. “It was either salads with chicken on them or hamburgers. And guess who made the final decision?”
“Um, the pregnant lady over there stuffing her face with strawberry shortcake?”
“That’d be the one.”
We both watch Elise chew and chat with Josie at the same time. Antoine is also watching her from across the terrace and you can just tell he’s dying to say something to her about talking with her mouth full. He hates that. But his hand scrubs his scratchy chin for a moment and he thinks better of it. Wise man.
“I’m falling hard for you, Rook. I hope you know that.”
I look up at this incredible man and I have no words for what I feel. I’m not falling for Ronin, I’m laid out flat on my face. He is the perfect man. He’s put up with so much from me. He’s stood by me when I insisted on making mistakes, and planned an entire con job so that Jon would get his karmic payback. He deserves so much more than the indecision and distance I’ve given him over the past few months.
“I told you a while back that I’d like to belong to you, Ronin. Someday.”
His hand cups my face and his thumb traces the curve of my chin.
“I think someday has come and gone because I think I’ve always belonged to you. From the very first moment we met in the stairwell, I wanted you. And even though it took me a while to understand my feelings, I guess I’m better late than never.”
He laughs and pulls me into a hug. “I’ll take late, Gidget. I’ll take late.”
Clare and Ford walk past us and then enter the garden apartment. It just occurs to me that the lights have been in inside there the entire night. “What’s with those two?” I ask Ronin.
“Exit interviews for the pilot. Ford figured he’d have all of us together tonight, so why not do interviews. Two birds kinda thing.”
“Oh.” No one told me about any exit interview, but shit. No one tells me anything unless I ask. Maybe I should start asking? “But why Clare, then? She wasn’t in the show.”
“Well, technically she was. Since you were the female star and I’m your boyfriend. And I kept leaving you to go see her.”
“Wait, so all that’s gonna be in the show?” Oh, fuck. That sucks. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Most of my angst came from jealousy of Clare. I just didn’t think she’d be quizzed on it at the end. “Did you get interviewed yet?”
“Ford said I’m last. He needs your reactions first or some shit like that.”
“He’s setting us up. We should refuse to do them, Ronin. I’m not gonna do it. My contract is over, isn’t it?”
He squeezes me tight. “Did you get paid yet?”
“You know I didn’t.”
“Then it’s not over, Gidge. Ford likes you, he won’t set you up. Just answer his questions. Lie if you want. No one cares. It’s a stupid reality show.”
But that’s not true. Ford would set me up. Ronin never knew the extent of our conversations while he was busy with Clare last summer. Ford never came out and said he wanted to date me, but he did hint around to wanting something from me. I’m not really sure what, especially after this morning’s conversation about his girlfriends. Not to mention the collared pet he brought with him to my party.
Ronin and I wander back into the crowd and chat casually with people, me leaning into his chest and his arms wrapped around me. He talks with Spencer and Veronica and I nod my head pretending to pay attention, but I’m focused on the garden apartment. The curtains are sheer, but I can’t see any movement in there. He must be interviewing her in the other room.
Clare comes out and Ford calls for Spencer. Veronica claps for this and then looks over in my direction after Spencer walks off. “I get to be interviewed too, Rook! Because I saved your life and took a bullet for you!”
“Cool!” I say, but I’m still thinking about my private conversations with Ford. What if he brings them up on camera? What will I say? I didn’t do anything wrong, I never cheated or anything. But Ronin might see my omission of facts as lying. We circulate around the terrace, talking to different people. I watch Veronica go in after Spencer. Then Antoine, then Elise. Ronin still seems so unconcerned, but by the time Ford dismisses Elise and looks over in my direction, my nerves are shot.
I look up at Ronin but both he and Spencer are laughing hysterically about something. I look back at Ford.
He beckons me with a finger.
Fuck.
I break away from Ronin and he pats my ass and says, “Have fun, Gidge.”
Chapter Eight – ROOK
I walk slowly over towards my old apartment and give myself a little pep talk. He’s not gonna trap you, Rook. He’s not interested like that, he said so this morning. He sees us as friends only.
“Ready?” Ford asks as I approach.
“How come you didn’t tell me about the interview this morning?”
He waves me inside and then closes the door behind us. “Yes, I should’ve said, ‘I’ll see you tonight at your surprise party where I will conduct your exit interview.’ Besides, my payoff in this friendship is getting to watch you react to me honestly.”
I don’t even know what that means, but it sounds very personal. Almost sexual. I look back at him for a moment and catch him smiling as I enter the bedroom. He’s got two plush red chairs set up across from each other and two tripods with cameras. One facing each chair.
“Are you on camera, too?”
“For this interview I am.”
My heart pounds in my chest. “Why?”
“Sit, Rook, and relax.”
I take a seat and he follows, leaning forward in his chair as I lean back. He rests his elbows on his knees and steeples his fingers under his chin.
And waits.
“What?” I ask. “What are you doing, Ford? Don’t get weird with me, please.” I look nervously up at the camera.
“It’s not on yet, Rook.”
“Well, turn it on and let’s go.”
“I’m making you nervous?”
“You know you are. Why didn’t you tell me about this? What are you gonna tell Ronin? I thought we were friends.”
“There’s nothing to tell Ronin. What could I possibly tell him that he doesn’t already know?”
“Know? He knows you told me you were trying to make me not need him? So you could, I dunno, swoop in and claim me as your pet, like that woman out there with the collar? Did you tell him that?”
“Do you want to be my pet?” he asks seriously.
“No!” I scoff. “No! I’m not in the least bit interested in becoming your fucking sex slave!”
He goes silent again, watching me as the grin creeps up his face.
I shudder. “I’m counting to five and then I’m leaving. One—”
He stands and moves toward me, his leg brushing against my dress as he reaches behind me to flip the camera on. The heat of his touch makes me dizzy for a moment. He steps back and then turns on the camera behind him before taking his seat. “Did you enjoy being Spencer’s canvas, Rook?”
“Yes,” I say truthfully.
Ford leans back and retrieves a clipboard on the small table next to him. “What did you enjoy about it? Oh, and talk in complete sentences, so the audience understands the question without having to hear me ask it.”
“Well, I had a good time working with Spencer. It was a little weird at first because I had to model with him, and that was… confusing because I was just starting to date Ronin. But once that part was over and Ronin was my partner, everything went real well.”
“Why did Ronin make it better?”
I squint my eyes at him but hold my tongue. I refuse to let him bait me on camera. I refuse to allow him to get ratings because I’m uncomfortable. In fact, I think it’s my turn to make him uncomfortable. “Everything was better with Ronin because he knows my body. He’s got a very personal relationship with it. So having him touch me and position me and kiss me for the photo shoots was easy. It felt good and I didn’t have to worry about making him jealous.”
“Did the shoots with Billy and Spencer feel good?”
I walked right into that, didn’t I? “The photo shoots with Billy and Spencer were erotic, that’s for sure, but not like they are with Ronin.”
“And what did you think of our running routine?”
“I loved it, to be honest.” Ford smiles and my heart rate increases when I realize Ronin will see that smile on TV next spring. “Running with you every morning was—well, I wouldn’t call it fun, but I would call it helpful. I liked getting up early, and believe me, that was a huge change for me. But I like the feel of dawn. When things are just getting ready to stir and life is still on pause from the night before.”
Ford stares at me for a second, a look of contemplation on his face. “That’s a very poetic way to put it.” Then he chuckles and moves on. “Tell me more about the shoots and the painting, Rook. And then you can be finished with the camera work. Just say whatever you want, I’ll have it edited down.”
“OK.” I swallow, a little relieved at that. “Well, Spencer is incredible. His talent is beyond words. My favorite painting was the tattoo woman because he painted all his tattoos on me just like they were on him. And his own body art is exceptional. I’ve never seen tattoos planned out like that, it’s not just a front piece or a sleeve, it’s a whole upper-body piece. The birds—oh my God, even if my name wasn’t Rook, I would fall in love with them. And the final painting at Sturgis was like the greatest gift I could ever ask for. I told him that this was the best summer of my life, and I wasn’t kidding. I learned a lot about myself this summer.” I stop and smile because he’s smiling now.
“What else made you happy, Rook?”
“Modeling with Ronin in costume,” I say, blushing. “He was that sexy Elvis and wow. And actually, Billy was a pretty hot cowboy, too.” I shrug. “I loved it. I probably shouldn’t have loved it, I should probably be embarrassed about what I did for money, about having Spencer paint up my body like that, not to mention the photographs and the rally show. But I’m not embarrassed about it. I’ll never forget this summer. I’ll never regret being Spencer’s canvas, and I’ll never regret becoming a model for Antoine Chaput.”
Ford stands up and turns the cameras off again and then sits back down.
“That’s it?”
“That’s it for the questions I want on film. But I have a few more for you, Rook.”
I gulp some air. “Ford, let’s not, OK? Let’s just leave it here.”
“No,” he says firmly. “I have a few questions for you and since the Biker Channel wants me to have two roles in the full season I want to get this out in the open.”
“What two roles?”
“Well, I’m still producer, but they want me interacting with you guys like I did in the pilot. So I’m a character now as well.”
“Oh.” I’m pretty sure this is bad for me. And I’m also pretty sure Ronin does not know this yet.
“So my first question is, why did you run with me all summer? Was it because you loved the exercise or because you did it with me? And no lies, Rook, I’m not interested in lies.”
“Ford, please. Please don’t ruin this for me. I love Ronin, I like you too, and I’m not sure what those feelings are, but I love Ronin. Don’t mess it up.”
“Why would I go out of my way to make you happy only to do something later to cause you pain?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know. You’re playing with me, you’re messing with my head, you’re—”
“I’m not, Rook. I’m not playing with you at all. Every intention is sincere, I promise.”
“But I’m seeing Ronin, I can’t—”
“I can’t either. Do you know why I brought that woman here tonight?”
I swear my heart stops for a moment. “Why?”
“Because I wanted you to see me and maybe accept me for who I really am. I’m not a good guy, Rook. I’m not even close to a good guy. I want you to succeed, I want you to be happy, and that happiness will never come from me. I just want you to know that what I am doing, these little things—like reading to you, the exercise, bringing you breakfast, talking—it’s the only way I know how to care.”
A lump starts forming in my throat, my face goes hot, and I can feel tears. Actual tears starting to form. I have to breathe deeply for several seconds to shut down my body’s visceral reaction to his words.
“And,” he continues, “I want you to know that I care about you. I care enough about you to leave this conversation here in this apartment when you walk out that door and go back to Ronin. I want you to make your dreams come true and I’ll do whatever it takes to help you. That is the only way I know to express… love. But I will never kiss you.”
I look up and meet his gaze.
“I will never do anything physical to ruin what you have with Ronin. I would just like you to talk to me. Be honest when I ask for it, trust me, and be my friend. Is that too much?”
A little laugh comes out at Ford’s question. “Of course not. I’d love to be your friend, Ford.”
He pulls his hands back and smiles. “Good. Then we’re done here. Just send Ronin in, I won’t keep him long.”
“I thought you wanted me to talk about Clare?”
“Why would I make you do that?” He grins and that chin dimple appears. “Why would I make you talk about her? On this night, of all nights? I only want you to be happy, Rook. If I had information you needed to know about anything, especially about Ronin being a lying, cheating piece of shit, believe me, I’d just tell you straight up. He’s not, by the way. Ronin is a pretty straight shooter despite being the most convincing liar I’ve ever come across. I am not playing games with your feelings, I’m not trying to trap you and force you to interact with me or fuck up your relationship. I want you to want to be my friend. I want you to want to trust me, and come to me for help. I have no desire to corner you into doing anything. I just want to be the safe guy, like you said this morning. The person who will point you in the right direction and you can feel comfortable taking my advice.”
“A friend.”
“Yes. A friend.”
I let out a deep breath. I can actually picture myself doing all those things with Ford. I like Ford. And if I don’t have to worry about him making a move on me, I like him even more. “Thanks, Ford. I’m not sure why you’re so interested in helping me, but… I’m glad you are.”
“So we’re straight with this now? No more weirdness?”
I nod. “OK, yeah. We’re good.”
“Great. Happy birthday, Rook. Next year we’ll finally get to take you out in public and celebrate like grownups.”
“Asshole.”
But I laugh on my way out.
Yup, Ford is one weird dude. I’m just glad he’s on my side.
Chapter Nine – RONIN
I close the door behind me as Ford pulls the blackout curtains across the front window of Rook’s old garden apartment. “We’re gonna throw in here, or what?”
Ford glares at me under his slanted brows. “I’d win that fight.”
“Riiiight. Rook came out happy, what’d you say to her?”
He takes a seat on the couch and beckons me to the chair across the coffee table. I follow suit and ease down into the overstuffed chair.
“I told her I consider her a friend and if she needs anything, she’s welcome to come to me for assistance.”
“Uh-huh. That’s all?”
“You don’t trust her?”
“I don’t trust you, Ford. I see the flashes of insanity inside your brain that pass as ideas and I’m worried that you’ve decided to make Rook your next victim.”
He folds his hands in his lap and leans back a little more, giving off an air of being totally comfortable in this setting. “I’ll be truthful, Ronin. I like her. A lot. Maybe more than any person ever. I’m not sure why, maybe because she’s unavailable, maybe because she refuses to put up with my shit, maybe because she listens to me when I give her advice. I’m not sure, but it hardly matters why. The fact is, I like her and she likes me.”
I start to say something but he puts a hand up to stop my words.
“I think we both know what that sick fuck was doing with her. And if you’re still delusional I’ll spell it out for you. I recognize her behavior. She hides it pretty well, but she’s quite easy to control once you know her triggers. I manipulated her all summer when we went running. They were all unconscious reactions, of course, and if I pointed it out to her, she backtracked and did everything in her power to prove she wasn’t under my control. She was something to Jon, but a girlfriend wasn’t one of them. Not from his point of view, anyway. What really happened?” He lets out a long sigh. “Well, we won’t know that until she’s ready to tell us. And that might be never, that might be tomorrow. We just can’t know.”
I have to swallow to keep my dinner from coming back up. I guessed this too, but Ford is seriously involved in that shit, I’m not. BDSM is just a game to me, it’s something I play at. To Ford, it’s a lifestyle. And if he says Rook displays all the characteristics, then I’m gonna have to defer to his expertise. I feel it to be true anyway.
“She will never admit this to you because she has yet to admit it to herself.”
I lean back in the chair and rub my temple a bit. My head fucking hurts.
“She needs serious help. She needs a lot of time. And she needs a lot of freedom. I know she likes you, maybe even loves you, but if you keep her too close she’ll fall back into the same patterns. And do you really want to get her by default?”
I pinch the bridge of my nose, trying to make the shooting pain go away.
“She’s running blind right now. She wants to do something, anything to erase what she was. So to prove to herself that she’s not the same girl who put up with that life for three years, she’s ready to jump on just about every opportunity that comes her way.”
“I’m not breaking up with her.”
Silence.
I lift my head and look over at Ford. “I’m not gonna do that. I’ll back off, I’ll give her space, I’ll support her decisions, but I’m not breaking up with her.”
Ford shrugs. “I’m not asking you to. She’ll check out soon, though, Ronin. Write this down. She’s not ready for you. She’s not ready for anyone right now. What she needs is to start over. She needs to figure out who she was before Jon came along if she’s to have any hope of figuring out who she is now.”
“Is that your professional opinion, then? We done here?”
“Not quite. That ex-boyfriend is in town.”
“Who?”
“Wade Minix, a boy from her childhood. Spencer said she lived with him as a teen in a foster family. This guy was her first boyfriend, or love, or something. His mother got worried when the relationship started getting serious and sent her back into the system. After that her status as ward of the State of Illinois goes cold. I figure Jon picked her up soon after. Before the Minix family she was in twelve other foster families.”
“Yeah, she told me this part. Not good ones, either.”
“Not good is an understatement. Almost of all them have been stripped of fostering privileges.” Ford gets up and grabs a folder off the kitchen counter, then takes his seat and opens it up. “Rook Camille Corvus entered the foster care system at age five when she was found wandering the streets of Chicago barefoot in the middle of January. She didn’t speak to anyone for months and when she finally gave up enough information to determine who her mother was, it was too late. The woman had OD’d and was already a cremated body in an unmarked grave. I could go on, but if you use your imagination, I’m sure you can fill it all in. She never got involved in drugs, prostitution, had any illegitimate babies, or did porn.” He stops to laugh. “Until you guys, that is.”
“Fuck. You.”
Ford smiles one of his evil grins. “Sorry, I couldn’t resist. But as I was saying, Wade Minix is in town. He hasn’t contacted her from what I can tell. I saw him wave at her at the show up in Sturgis. He followed her all over the strip the day of the show. Then ended up standing in the front row that—”
“What? How come you didn’t tell me this?”
“Because Rook never responded to his wave and never made any move to reach out to him. She ignored him. But I’m telling you now because he’s back. And I think she should reconnect with Wade.”
“Yeah, I’m sure you do.”
“Well, Ronin, he’s gonna get his chance to speak to her no matter what you do. Face that fact. He’s here, he’s here to see her, and he’s not leaving until he does. So you might as well just embrace it. Because you can’t stop it, that’s for sure. And if you make a big deal about it, she’ll just do it anyway. And she’ll break up with you because you forced her to make a choice.”
I hate it when Ford’s right. “So I’m just supposed to sit down and shut up? That’s what you’re saying?”
“Yes. This is not about you, it has nothing to do with you, in fact. She likes you, that’s for sure. Otherwise she’d take that money, buy herself a car, and be on the road to anywhere but here. Because that’s just how she works. I call her type the Leaver.”
Ford and his fucking labels. “Yeah, I think you’re right about that. She’s got no fear of the road. I could tell that immediately. What kind of teenager gets on a bus alone knowing she’ll be homeless when she steps off? She’s not afraid to chuck it all and start again.”
“Exactly. And I’ll go one further. She told me she had no intention of getting off the bus in Denver. She was on her way to Vegas but she thought fate was sending her a message via South Park and got off on a whim. No plans, no home, no money, no friends, and no prospects. She stepped into the unknown because of a fucking cartoon. Now she has all of those empowering things and more, how hard would it be for her to just leave now? If you pressure her, she’s gone.”
I hold my head in my hands, trying to stave off the headache with a last-ditch brow pinch.
“Just give her some freedom, Ronin. I’ll keep an eye on her up at Spencer’s place.”
I get up and walk to the door, then stop. I don’t turn and say it to his face, but I say it just the same. “Thanks, Ford. And dude, just so you know, I’m sorry. About… Mardee.” I don’t wait for an acknowledgment, I just plaster a smile on my face and walk through back into Rook’s birthday party.
