Текст книги "Panic"

Автор книги: J. A. Huss

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Текущая страница: 10 (всего у книги 17 страниц)

Chapter Twenty-three – RONIN

I wish I could say we enjoyed all the hundreds of things there are to do in Colorado on Saturday. Like went up to the mountains and marveled at the fluttering golden wave created by the thousands upon thousands of aspen trees that line the cliffs. Or took advantage of an early mountain snowstorm and went skiing up at A-Basin. Or hell, stayed in town and caught an Aves game.

But we did none of those things. Because we never got out of bed.

She’s still fucking trying to sleep right now and it’s almost eleven on Sunday. “Gidget,” I whisper into her ear. She swats me away with her hand, slapping my arm pretty good. “Gidge, we’re putting clothes on today, babe. Like it or not, we’re leaving the house.”

“To go where?” she moans.

“The mall. Elise wants us to go baby shopping with her.”

Rook grunts. “She does not. That’s dumb, why would she want us to tag along?”

Damn, she’s sorta cynical. And she’s totally on to me because Antoine begged me to come with him so he and I can nurse some beers and watch the Broncos annihilate the Eagles while the girls shop. But I’m pretty good at faking shit, so I try it out on Rook now. “Serious, she says she wants my opinion, she knows I’m all into this baby shit. And you need some girl time, you have no girlfriends.”

She turns this time, her mouth all screwed up. “Is Clare gonna be there?”

“Uh, well, yeah. She’s really not allowed to go anywhere alone these days. She’s gotta be with one of us at all times.”

“You look guilty, are you lying to me?”

“Gidget, I am nothing if not honest with you, babe. Seriously. Elise wants you to come, I swear.” That’s not a lie. Elise does want Rook to come. She has fully accepted the fact that I plan on marrying this girl as soon as she’s ready to commit.

It takes me another hour to get Rook up and ready and by that time Clare, Elise, and Antoine are already heading out to the restaurant where we’re gonna have lunch. “You look great, let’s go.” I jingle my truck keys at her from the front hallway, but she ignores me and just sits calmly on the couch and laces up some black work boots. Combined with her faded and ripped jeans, white t-shirt, and Shrike Bikes leather jacket, they make her look like a hot punk chick.

If we don’t get out of this fucking apartment soon I might have to jump her bones.

She catches my daydream and says, “I’m sore as shit, so stop with the I wanna fuck you looks.”

She walks over to me as she straightens out her jacket and I take her hand and lead her out the door and down the hallway. There’s some commotion downstairs in the studio and when we turn the corner at the stairs, Roger is messing with a large flat package. “What’s that?” I call down to him as we descend.

“That rush job for the GIDGET campaign.”

It takes me a second to figure out what he’s talking about and by that time it’s too late. He’s already ripped the brown paper off the frame and his head is tilting to the side a little as he critiques the image.

Busted.

“What the hell is that?” Rook asks in a huff.

She can clearly see what it is, a fucking life-sized picture of me sticking my tongue down Clare’s throat, but I usher her past in a hurry. “It’s an old photo the GIDGET people wanted to use for promo. We had it blown up so we can use it for the shoots this week.”

Even though she’s walking away from it, her eyes never leave the image. I whisk her into the stairwell and pull her out of range. “Hmmm…” is all she says.

I change the subject. “Hungry?”

“Yeah, actually I’m starving.”

She chats about lunch after that. Maybe the image is still on her mind and maybe it’s not, but she’s dropped it for now and that’s about as much as I can ask for.

The ride down to Cherry Creek Mall is uneventful beyond getting stuck in construction traffic, and by the time we make the sports bar at the mall, I’m starving as well. Antoine already got us a table and Elise is chowing down on fried cheese. Rook looks happy though, so maybe she’s gonna let the picture drop.

It’s not my fault, really. The image had to be used. I never told Rook this, but Clare was always my first pick for this contract. And we did a lot of promo stuff together to show them that I had a vision and could handle something this big on my own. That was almost a year ago now, and honestly, it never occurred to me that they’d want me to model for them. I’m the marketing manager for the campaign, I never signed anything saying I’d model. And they are certainly not paying me enough to fuck things up with Rook over some pictures. But this one was already a done deal. I had very little room since it was submitted with the project bid.

Luckily Antoine got us a table near the flat screen on the wall that’s blaring the game, so he and I concentrate on that while the girls chat. I look over at Rook a few times to see how she’s doing with Clare, but it doesn’t seem to be an issue.

Maybe I’ll get away with this fuck-up after all?

Chaper Twenty-Four – ROOK

“Adorable!” I squeal as Elise holds up a tiny blue onesie with light green sea turtles swimming across the front. It is cute but honestly, how many freaking onesies can you look at in one day and still get excited? She throws it into the waiting hands of the Gymboree sales person and continues sorting through racks of clothes. Clare is much better at this shopping stuff than I am. I’m not against shopping, I just prefer to do it online. Or have a set plan in mind when I go in. For me, shopping is more like a military exercise—get in, complete the mission, get out. Bam. Now you have the whole rest of your day to kiss your boyfriend, or eat, or watch movies.

“Hey, since we’re out, you guys wanna catch that new SF flick over at the Metroplex?”

Clare sneers at me.

I hate that bitch, I swear. I’m not really a hater, I mean I can typically find the good in just about anyone. And I’m definitely not a fighter. I prefer the whole cheek-turning thing over fists any day. But I tell you what, I’d like to slap the shit out of Clare. She is the biggest fucking kiss-ass on the planet. And she blatantly flirted with Ronin all through lunch and then had the nerve to insult my choice in food.

She called me a boring date because I always get the hamburger. So I like burgers? Just because she likes weird stuff like mushroom pecan fajitas doesn’t mean she’s not boring. Seriously, she can’t even go anywhere alone because the heroin might jump her ass and turn her back into a junkie…

OK, I went a little overboard on that one. But shit.

I huff out a long breath and busy myself shaking a baby rattle. “Hey, Elise? I’m gonna just pop over to the…” I squint out at the store across the way from Gymboree and read the sign. “Brookstone.” Yeah, that’s a much better store. They have cool shit in there. “I need some overpriced gadgets.”

“Rook, if you’re not going to help, just go back to the restaurant and watch football with the men, OK? This is a big deal for Elise.”

“Rook,” Elise counters, “I’m almost done, OK? Then we’ll go upstairs and do grownup shopping. The guys said they’ll meet us over at the baby crib store at five, so we have plenty of time.”

I smile and nod. Great, crib shopping. I’m not into thinking about this baby stuff, let alone shopping for one, and it just reminds me of how different Ronin and I really are when it comes to long-term plans. I might like a kid someday, and that’s a big maybe. But right now I’m all about not having a kid. I’m not ready for crib shopping, even if it isn’t for me.

We spend the next fifteen minutes checking out and then make our way upstairs to the cool level of the mall. At least there are stores here I recognize, if only because I have clothes in my closets with these names on them. Clare heads to Lucky Jeans and I follow her in while Elise rests her feet outside the store and pokes through her bags of baby clothes.

“What size are you, Rook? I’ll help you choose.”

“Noneya, Clare. I’m not an infant, I can pick out my own jeans.” Fuck, she is such a bitch. How can Ronin even like her as a person? And I can only imagine how unlikeable she was as an addict. I flip through some jeans laid out on a table and then decide this is stupid. “I don’t need any clothes, I’m going to sit with Elise.”

I walk out before she can answer and plop down next to Elise on her bench. “I’m sorry, Elise. I’m just not a shopper.”

She pats my hand like a mother. “I don’t care, Rook. And don’t let Clare get to you. She’s just high-maintenance all the time. Isn’t there anything you need while we’re here? You might as well pick up something.”

“I could use some lotion, now that I think of it.”

“Oh!” Elise squeals. “Let’s hit the Crabtree & Evelyn store, it’s just right over there.”

Lotions I can handle. Just pick out some that smell good and pay. No need to try things on or make it match your socks—just good old-fashioned plunk-it-in-the-basket-and-pay-up-front shopping. Elise calls out to Clare as we walk past, telling her where we’ll be.

“So, Rook, how are things up with Spencer and Ford? I haven’t had a chance to talk to you in weeks, it seems.”

“Pretty good. The job is painfully boring, you know, compared to what I was doing. But it’s OK. I’m good with slipping back into regular life.”

“And school?”

“Well, I don’t know. I like it, and I really like the idea of going to film school. But it’s a lot of work, ya know?”

She laughs. “I never went to college, so actually, I’m not a good one to ask.”

“No? How’d that happened? I mean, Ronin got an excellent education, so I just figured you did as well.”

“I was already grown up when I met Antoine. I did go to beauty school eventually. At first I was just Antoine’s personal make-up person and he showed me what to do. But when we finally settled down in the States I had to get a license. Antoine and I wanted Ronin to have all the opportunities I never did, so we always made education a big deal.”

“Maybe not everyone is cut out for a college degree?”

Elise stares hard at me as we enter the store. “Are you having doubts?”

I shrug and pick up a bottle of lotion and sniff it. “Some, maybe. It’s hard. I’m not very good at it, Elise. I’m terrible at math and the science is interesting, but I have to memorize a bunch of stuff. It’s just… hard.”

“Everything worth getting is hard, Rook. You gotta want it real bad, right? Like Antoine, for instance. He actually comes from a pretty wealthy family in France and they had a lot of preconceived expectations for his life. Things Antoine was not remotely interested in doing. They have a big construction business over there, major contracts all over Europe. But my Antoine decided to come to America. He had money for school but not much else, and he came here to study photography and now look at him.” Elise stops to smile as she thinks about her incredible baby daddy. “He fought for his dream, Rook. My dream was to make sure Ronin turned into a good guy so that’s what I fought for. And Ronin is a good guy, so I’m happy that I made that dream come true. Now I want my own family so I’m gonna fight for that. And if you want to get your college degree, then that’s your fight.”

I think about this for a few seconds as we continue to browse the lotions. “But—what if I’m fighting for the wrong thing? What if I just like the idea of film school and I’m not dedicated to putting in the years of hard work to make it real? What’s that mean?”

“Not everyone who loves taking pictures wants to be Antoine. Not everyone who wants to putter around with a video camera needs to make blockbusters. Maybe movies are a hobby? I’m not sure, so don’t take what I’m saying as gospel, OK? Because only you can figure out if it’s worth it.”

“Ronin wants to fight for a family too, Elise. He’s so, so serious about that and I’m not sure if I feel the same way.”

She sighs up at me, silent for a moment. “Not all families are bad, Rook. I did my best to make sure Ronin understood this as he grew up, but I think you need to hear it more than he ever did. Not all families are bad. Some people get stuck with bad parents, or they have a failed marriage because they ended up with the wrong partner. That’s just how things shake out sometimes. But not everyone’s life is like that. It took me twelve years of unconditional love from Antoine to understand this myself. So you know, if I can save you from wasting all that time doubting yourself and what you and Ronin have together, then that’s a huge win for all of us. He’s moving too fast for you, I get that. But he’ll wait, Rook. And if you love him and can see a future for the two of you, then let him have his dream while he waits. Because Ronin just wants to put down some roots. Even though we’ve called Antoine’s place home for more than a decade, we’ve always been pretty transient. He just wants to plant himself somewhere and let out a long breath of relief that this life is permanent now.”

Wow, I should’ve talked to Elise a long time ago about this stuff. She’s like a walking reality check. “Thanks,” I say as I hug her.

“Hey!” Clare calls from outside the store. “Look! It’s Ronin and me!”

Elise and I are both confused for a moment, but as soon as we walk outside and direct our eyeballs across the mall where Clare is pointing, we both get it.

Because right there in the front window of the lingerie shop is a giant poster of Clare and Ronin and he has his hands all over her body and his tongue down her throat.

And this is definitely not the picture I saw back at the studio.

“When did you take that?” I ask.

“Oh, this one…” She stops to think.

“Last fall,” Elise offers. “That was taken last fall. When Ronin was getting ready to bid on this GIDGET contract. He put together a whole fake campaign with Clare.”

“Yeah, that one was a while ago, but those GIDGET people liked it so much, they had us do another shoot this week. I think the proof was getting delivered from the printer today. Did you see it when you left, Rook?”

She bats her eyelashes at me. Clearly she knows I did. “No,” I answer, shaking my head. “Never saw anything.” She scowls at me, not sure if I’m lying or not, not willing to push things in front of Elise. I smile back at her, playing it off.

But inside, I’m seething. That fucker. Mr. I’m-nothing-if-not-honest fucking lied to me!

Chapter Twenty-Five – RONIN

I tug Rook into my chest and wrap my arms round her. “How about this one?” I point to the white crib with a sleigh bed shape to it. “It’s sorta classic, right?” She glances over her shoulder and gives me a dirty look. I know she hates this but I can’t help myself. “What? What’s that face for?”

“Nothing,” she replies with an annoyed growl.

Something’s up but I’m just not sure what it is yet. Something happened when she went shopping with the girls but she’s not acting mad. Just not happy either. I’d ask Elise, but she’s way too into this crib-buying stuff. Hell, even Antoine is into it. He’s all for the white cribs too, but Elise wants something dark. Apparently she has a vision of what her little boy’s room should look like and nothing will deter her.

And there’s no way I’m bringing Clare in because that would just make everything worse. In fact, I’m pretty fucking sure whatever did happen at the mall, Clare is the reason. I pull Rook over to the crib bedding and point down to a baseball-themed set inside the crib. “I’d pick that one.”

“Yeah, that’s nice.”

Well, at least she didn’t growl. “You wanna get out of here?”

Suddenly she’s interested. “Really? But what about Elise?”

“She’s got it under control. Hey, Ellie! We’re taking off, see you guys later, OK?”

And that’s that. I lead Rook out of the store and swing her hand as we walk to the truck.

The drive home only takes about ten minutes, but it’s ten minutes of silent hell. I know we have to talk about it, but since she’s in no hurry to bring it up, well, then neither am I. I turn the truck off in the garage and then look over at her. She’s fucking with her phone—doing what, I’m not sure, because the only people she really texts are me, Spencer, or Ford and I’m pretty sure she’s not having some deep convo with Ford or Spencer while she sits in my truck. “OK, what’s up, Rook? Obviously something is wrong and it’s got my name written all over it. So let’s just get it out in the open.”

She flips the handle on her door and jumps out, leaving me no choice but to follow her over to the elevator. The ride up is slow and silent and never in my life have I wished for an instrumental version of Hey Jude to be playing in an elevator more than I do right now. Anything to break the uncomfortable silence. When the door finally opens she walks out, but instead of taking a left to head towards the stairs, she walks out into the center of the studio and stands in front of that big promo picture of Clare and me.

“OK, this is the problem?” I ask as I wave my hand towards the poster.

Rook holds up her phone and there’s another picture of Clare and me on the screen. “Do you know where I took this pic, Ronin?”

I take the phone from her and look a little closer. “Shit.”

“Yeah, shit. You lied to me. This picture,” she says, snatching the phone back, “was the one you guys took last year and it’s on display at the fucking mall. This one,” she says, jacking her thumb behind her to the poster, “was a rush job shot last week. At least, that’s what Clare tells me. So would you like to explain why you lied?”

“Well, I’m busted, what do you want me to say?”

She gasps. “Uh, how about ‘sorry?’ Jesus fucking Christ, Ronin. I mean, look, I’m not gonna throw a fit or some shit like that, but fuck, I hate liars. Seriously cannot fucking stand liars. OK? I like the truth, thank you. I enjoy knowing what the fuck is going on, and I thought I could trust you.”

“I didn’t do anything more with Clare than you did with Spencer or Billy, Rook. It was one fucking shoot. They wanted an updated image now that Clare is back to being healthy, that’s all there is to it.”

She walks away. Just heads to the stairs and starts hoofing it up to the apartment. I catch up with her at the top, just as she’s about to turn the corner, and grab her arm. She pulls away so hard she stumbles backwards. “You’re walking away again, Gidget. I’m not gonna let you do that.”

She pushes past me and stops at our apartment door. “Like you can stop me?”

“So you’re walking out over this lie? This one stupid, meaningless lie?”

“First of all, it’s not meaningless. Maybe it’s not Earth-shattering, but it’s not meaningless. Because relationships are all about trust and now I’m having doubts.”

“Welcome to my world.”

She snorts. “Welcome to your world? So you’re having doubts about me? Then just break it off if I’m not the girl you want. I’m clearly not what you’re into, Ronin. I mean what the fuck was all this baby shit today?”

“This was about Elise, not us.”

“No? You know I’m not ready to think about this shit and you don’t even care! You have no idea how fucking confusing it is to be around Elise right now. To watch all you guys get excited over this baby and have to feel… nothing. I can’t feel anything, OK? And all you guys are gushing about cribs and stupid outfits and baby bedding, for fuck’s sake!”

Well, that’s not what I was expecting. “So this isn’t about the photoshoot I did with Clare last week?”

She sighs. “Yes, of course it is!”

“I’m officially confused.”

“Forget it, OK? I’m not gonna throw a temper tantrum and start a huge fight over it, so just forget it. You just do your thing and don’t worry about me and I’ll do the same. How’s that?”

She reaches over to punch the code in the door and I grab her wrist and pull it away. “Hold on,” I say calmly and wait for her to look me in the eye. “I’m not even worth an argument? Really? You just want to get as far away from me as you can right now so you can avoid… what? Dealing?”

She laughs. “Oh, I’m not dramatic enough? Is that it? You want me to fight with you?”

“No,” I say gently as I lower her hand and bring it to my waist, forcing her to touch me. “I want you to fight for us, Rook. You never want to fight for us, you just want to walk away whenever it gets hard. And dammit, this is not hard, Rook. This life we’re living right now is fucking paradise. So how will you act when the shit gets out of control? Will you just leave me when I need you most? Because I’d never leave you. I hope you know that, Rook. I’d never walk out. I’d fight for you every single time. You’d never even have to wonder if I’d be there because I’d show the fuck up before that thought could ever cross your mind. I want you, I’d risk everything for you. I already told you I’d wait. Whatever it takes, however long it takes. I’m still gonna be here. I do want babies, I do want you as my wife, but I can live with a promise.”

She swallows and looks down. I take her other hand and press it against my waist so she has to turn and face me.

“What I can’t live with is you sabotaging our relationship every time you feel uncomfortable. Eventually, you’re gonna have to fucking figure this shit out. Because the thought of you walking out on me just tears me up.”

And then I take her purse off her shoulder and drop it on the floor so I can slip my arms around her and pull her close. “I’m sorry about the Clare shit. I’m sorry that I lied earlier. I just didn’t want to talk about it right then, that’s all. I was stalling for time. Of course I was gonna tell you, but it’s sort of a long story and I didn’t want to tell it right then.”

She leans her head into me and I play with her hair a little as I talk. “Stop with the Clare jealousy, OK? I know she’s irritating, I realize she’s probably baiting you to piss you off, but I’m not interested in her. At all. She’s living in a fantasy and I’ll set her straight tonight and let you watch if you want. Because I have no problem fighting for us. None.”

Rook stays silent for a few seconds and relaxes against me a little more. I sigh as she begins to speak softly. “I was pissed about the Clare thing because she knew I didn’t know and it makes me feel so stupid. I felt so foolish that she knew you were keeping a secret from me. And I’m not a very confrontational person so my first reaction is always to run away. I know that. I get it. I’m just not sure how much I can do about it. When I get scared, I run. And so much about you—about us—scares me. It makes me want to just give up so I don’t have to deal with it.”

I tilt her chin up gently so she looks me in the eye. She fights it for a second, then relents when she realizes I’m not gonna let her get away with it. “I really don’t need much, babe. Just make me feel that I’m worth something. That you’ll take a risk on us, like you said on the phone the night I dropped you off at Spencer’s. I just want to know that when things start to look hopeless you’ll still be willing to show up and give it your best, ya know? At the very least, be willing to put in an appearance. I mean, I’d love it if you just stuck to me no matter what for everything, but seriously, I’d settle for a half-hearted try right now.”

She pushes her head into my chest. “So you want me to be your Shrek?”

I can’t help it, I bellow out a laugh. “What?”

“You know? When Shrek is rescuing Fiona—”

“Does it always come back to a movie with you?”

“—and he chains up that bitchy dragon named Clare—”

“You are too much…”

“—and breaks Fiona out of the tower. You want me to be Shrek and fight for you, get you out of that stupid tower, fine. I’ll work on it.”

“I’m pretty sure I’m Shrek and you’re Fiona, Rook. I let you make me be Larue, but I draw the line at Fiona.”

“Whatever.”

I cup her face in my hands and plant a little kiss on her lips. “I love the fuck out of you, ya know that, right?”

“Now all we need is a donkey to get Clare pregnant so she’ll stop braying at us. I vote for Billy.”

Oh, God. I just want to squeeze her, that’s how cute she is. Just squeeze her until she admits she’ll never leave me. Because even if she doubts herself, I have total faith in this girl. I know she loves me. I know she’ll stick. Ford was wrong, she’s not gonna check out, she’s in—I can feel the truth just as well as I can tell a lie. She loves me, regardless of the nightmare past that still seems to be haunting her. I lean in and kiss her again, whispering into her little Gidget mouth. “I’m sorry I lied to you and did a shoot with Clare without telling you first.”

She looks up at me now, pausing to smile. “I’m sorry I threatened to run away and I’ll make an effort to fight with you more.”

I chuckle again. She’s adorable. Everything about her squeals perfect. “I would like to marry you, stick you in a kitchen and get you all barefoot and pregnant. But I’ll wait. I’m not in a hurry, I’m enjoying every second we spend together. I’m really not trying to pressure you with the baby talk.”

Her sigh is actually a long low moan that comes off mournful. “I think you are, but it’s OK. I’ll learn to deal.”

“Hey,” I say softly as I tip her chin up. “You don’t need to learn to deal with me, Rook. You got something inside that head of yours you need to get out? What’s going on with the baby stuff?”

She pulls back and turns away. Not a good sign.

“I just…” She looks at me over her shoulder and then lifts her eyes to meet mine. “I’m not ready yet, OK? I told you some of what happened that last time Jon went off on me, how he found the birth control and why I felt I needed it. But there’s more to it.” She takes a long breath, holds it, and then lets it out slowly. “But I’m not ready to think about it yet.”

Her chest expands suddenly and I know she’s about to cry. I reach out and turn her around as I pull her into me. “Hey, it’s OK. You don’t have to talk about it.” She shakes a little as she sobs and all I can do is hold her tight. “Shhh,” I murmur next to her ear as she tries to stop. And then I stop trying to quiet her because there’s something I’ve noticed about Rook over the past few months. She hardly ever cries over her past. She cries when she’s frustrated about things between us and she cried pretty hard that day she found out about the missing person’s report, but really, she should maybe cry a little more. She holds things in until it boils over.

So I just hug her tight and kiss her head and try to say something soft and soothing. “Don’t panic, Gidget. Be still and stay calm. We’ll be OK, I promise. Just keep calm and it will all work out.”

And she spends the next few minutes with her face buried in my jacket letting it out in her own way.

Ford said she’s got more secrets, but I figured that was about her relationship with Jon. I think this is something else, because this baby stuff is sorta coming out of nowhere and she’s not making much sense. Just the few things she’s told me about what that sick fuck did to her are enough, but I’m getting the feeling that as horrific as those incidents were, it’s nothing compared to the secrets she’s got buried inside her.