Текст книги "Meant for Me"
Автор книги: Faith Sullivan
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Текущая страница: 5 (всего у книги 13 страниц)
Chapter Eight
Eric
It’s mid-afternoon and still no word from Ivy.
I’ve left so many messages with the front desk that the receptionist told me to stop calling. I flooded Will’s inbox with emails. I tried Ivy’s cell number to check if her new phone was up and running, but it’s not. I’m at my wit’s end. Something’s up. I can feel it.
To take my mind off things, I decided to leave Ben in charge of the last two hayrides and asked my dad to ring up any purchases before locking up for the night. It’s better if I just go home. I’m only driving everyone nuts at the garden center, yelling at kids for getting underfoot and smashing a row of pumpkins after mistakenly throwing the tractor in reverse. I’m running on empty after what turned out to be a very long night. I couldn’t fall sleep, not without Ivy beside me. I’m used to having her pressed up against me. A balled-up pillow just doesn’t cut it.
Shep whines at my feet, and I give him a quick scratch behind the ears. He’s the only one who can put up with me when I get like this. He’s seen me at my worst, so this little episode is nothing for him. Ivy’s alive. She’s fine. I just have to keep telling myself that and calm the fuck down.
I’m able to function better if I stay busy and keep my mind occupied, so I head to the woodshed out back. It was my refuge from the world during those long and lonely months when I was working on the house. I started something new a little while ago and I want to make sure I finish it before Ivy returns. It’s part of the surprise I plan on giving her when she gets back.
I smooth a strip of sandpaper over the solid oak surface, making sure to remove any trace of a splinter. I test the rockers again and they move easily, not too little, not too much. All I have to do is apply the special non-toxic varnish and it’ll be all set—the crib for our baby.
I just wish I could forget what happened to the last one I built.
* * *
It was the night of Cassidy’s death. I was alone with a bottle of whiskey sitting in the bare bones of our house while the rain was pouring outside. I couldn’t believe that she was actually gone and that our baby would never get the chance to live. I was so mad I couldn’t see straight. I barreled up the planks serving as a temporary staircase and charged into the shell of a room that was to be the nursery. I trudged through a thick pile of sawdust and grabbed the crib. It was placed in the middle of the floor, awaiting the baby it would never hold.
Rushing back downstairs, I hurled it with all my might against the stone fireplace, dashing it to pieces. But that wasn’t enough. Even though it was July, I worked frantically to get a fire going in the hearth. It was dangerous to strike a match around so much untreated wood, especially with the wind raging through the chimney, but I didn’t care. I’d never get to bury my child. Cassidy’s womb would serve as its final resting place. I had to make some kind of offering to show how much I’d lost.
It didn’t take long to get a good blaze going even with the rain trickling down the eaves. I was like a madman, determined to finish the job. The elements of nature were not going to stand in my way. I was beyond them now, in a hell of my own making.
I picked up the broken shards of the crib and tossed them one by one into the fire. My chest constricted when I saw the border of flowers I’d engraved burst into flames. I was going to explain to our baby what I did for a living by tracing its pudgy fingers over the carvings of the rose and the daisy next to the tulip and the sunflower. So many hours of love went into the creation of that crib. I’d poured my heart and soul into it. That’s where our baby was going to dream sweet dreams and grow into a strong and healthy toddler. Cassidy and I were going to keep it beside our bed, ready to respond at the first hint of a whimper.
I cast a long shadow as I stood there and watched it burn. My tears mixed with the soot on my face, making me feel like a gravedigger of a different variety. I was accustomed to cultivating life and watching things grow. I had no idea how to handle being on the opposite end of the spectrum, glorying in the death and destruction of everything I held dear.
In that moment, I came to a stark realization. I needed a break. I was on the brink of diving into a deep, dark place I wasn’t sure I’d ever get out of. If I’d willingly jumped into the abyss, there’d be no saving me. I would have been lost forever. If I’d ended my life out of despair, I’d forever be separated from Cassidy and our baby, in this life and the next. I couldn’t give up on the possibility of one day being reunited with them in heaven. I’m not an overly religious guy but I knew I’d never forgive myself for going down a path of self-destruction, no matter how much I just wanted the pain of life to stop.
* * *
I shake my head, trying to rid myself of the memory and how close I came to taking my life on that storm-swept night. I’ve come so far in the last two and a half years. I have Ivy. I have a new baby on the way. The house is finished. The garden center is thriving. I have so much to be thankful for. But there’s one last thing that will make it all complete.
“C’mon, Shep,” I call out, patting the side of my leg after putting the varnish away. “It’s time.”
I yank the chain dangling from the exposed light bulb in the woodshed and snap the padlock on the door while Shep fidgets beside me. I take off at a run and Shep races me to my truck. There’s a lightness to my step when I think about the errand we are going on.
I look up at the house and really take it in. Even though Ivy isn’t here, I feel her presence all around me. Her muddy clogs rest near the flowerbed she was digging up for winter. Her rocking chair faces mine from the last time I massaged her feet. Next to the koi pond she loves so much, her junker of a car is parked—badly in need of a new transmission we just can’t afford. Thankfully what I’m after doesn’t require money. It’s something that’s been in my family for generations, and now it’s going to be hers.
Hoisting myself behind the wheel, I let Shep jump onto my lap and crawl over me. He gets to ride shotgun because Ivy isn’t here and his ears prick up, showing his excitement. His tongue slobbers across my face as he gives me a big ol’ sloppy kiss on the cheek.
“Gee, thanks,” I chuckle, pulling him away by the collar. “You missed having me all to yourself, didn’t you?”
But Shep’s anxious to get going as he moves over to look out the window, swatting me in the face with his tail as he goes by.
“All right, to grandmother’s house we go.” I exclaim, heading down the road with a smile on my face.
From the moment I swept Ivy off her feet, I pictured making this journey. Driving to my parents’ house. Asking for my grandmother’s ring. Placing it on Ivy’s finger. Showing her how much I’ve come to care about her—first with my words, then with my body. Since the day we met, I’ve hoped that this would be where we’d end up. Call me a fool. Call me old-fashioned. Call me crazy. The instant I held her in my arms, I knew I wanted to live again.
I thought that I was done with romance, that I’d had my shot at love. But one look at her and I was a goner. I wasn’t expecting it. I wasn’t looking for it. But there she was—the gift I’d never intended to receive. Nestled in those sparkling green eyes, life was giving me a second chance.
Up until then, getting through each day felt like I was holding my breath underwater, just waiting to drown. But the way she looked at me pulled me to the surface, out of the murky depths. I was clumsy at first, gasping and sputtering, relearning how to breathe and what it felt like to be alive. But she was patient with me, showing me how to bask in the warm glow of daylight again. Just being around her rejuvenated my spirit, like she was the lifeguard of my soul.
Lost in my daydreams of Ivy, I can’t believe we’re already here as I beep the horn at the base of the rocky trail leading to my parents’ house. It takes so long to creep up the uneven terrain that it became a habit to honk at the gate. My dad likes to be standing at the door, treat in hand, ready to greet Shep when he arrives. So I always have to give him a heads-up when his ‘grand-dog’ is on the way. Beside me, Shep is already going nuts.
I chuckle to myself when I see my dad in his suspenders sitting outside. He has his glasses perched up top of his head, and he looks worn out. He’s been having those headaches again. I should’ve manned up and completed the shift at the garden center instead of bothering him about it.
He smiles when we pull up, but I still feel guilty. I’m going to have to get a better grip on my emotions. I can’t keep putting him through this. He’s seen enough of my moods to last a lifetime.
“There’s my buddy,” he says, opening the car door to let Shep out. “I have your Milk-Bone all ready for you.”
“You have that dog spoiled rotten,” I mutter, joining them as we walk inside. “I can just imagine how you’re going to be when you have a real grandchild to fawn over.”
“Did your mom tell you about the stuffed giraffe we came across the other day?” he asks, rubbing his hands together. “It’s eight feet tall and its neck goes all the way to the ceiling.”
“You didn’t buy it, I hope.” I groan audibly as we enter the kitchen, and I give my mom a kiss.
“Of course we did, sweetie. How could we pass something like that up?” my mom exclaims, grinning at me.
“Don’t you think it might scare the baby? I want my child to feel safe in the nursery, especially after all the hours I spent making the crib,” I argue, even though it’s a lost cause. I already have visions of strapping the stuffed monstrosity to the back of my truck, fuzzy neck and all. There’s no getting out of it now.
“Oh good! So you did finish it.” My mom’s face lights up. “It’s on to step two then?”
“That’s why I’m here. I plan on proposing to Ivy the minute she steps off that plane.” My chest fills with pride. I want nothing more than to make Ivy my wife. Sure, we’re living together, and she just so happens to be carrying my child. But there’s something about walking down the aisle and making it official. I want to share everything I have with her. My name. My heart. My life.
“Did you hear from her yet?” my dad asks softly after having seen me go off the rails earlier today. I was ready to freak out after a little girl toppled over a whole bushel of apples, sending them sprawling across the floor. My nerves at that point were razor thin. My dad knew I didn’t need any more aggravation. He simply patted me on the back as I walked out the door.
I hate having to ask people for help, but I learned that sometimes it’s necessary, especially when I’m feeling overly stressed and at my breaking point. It’s no good flying off the handle when all I need is a few quiet moments to myself. Since my blow-up with Ivy for wearing Cassidy’s shirt, my dad made me realize what my limitations are. I can’t let life push me that far or let certain things trigger my meltdowns. I can’t always be in control, but I have to remember to step back and breathe whenever I start to feel overwhelmed. If I don’t, I only end up hurting the ones I love.
“No, and I tried every way I could think of to get in touch with her,” I sigh, running my hands through my hair. Suddenly I feel as haggard as my dad looks.
“I bet she couldn’t get to a phone store, honey, and she was most likely out of her hotel room all day. Will’s probably running her ragged, the poor thing.” I sense the concern in my mom’s voice, and I have no doubt she’s thinking what I’m thinking. Such a hectic schedule would be a strain on a regular person, never mind someone who’s pregnant. My worries keep multiplying as the minutes tick by.
“If you don’t hear from her by tonight then we call the cops.” My dad shoves his hands in his pockets and rocks back on his heels. “No fooling around.”
“Frank—” my mom warns with a groan.
“I’m serious, Nancy. If that boy is gonna take our Ivy away and not even let her call home, we have the right to sic the LAPD on his ass.” He stomps his foot, causing Shep to howl. “See? Even the dog thinks I’m right.”
“Let’s cross that bridge when we come to it, dear. Now c’mon, Eric. Let’s go upstairs and get that ring and think some happy thoughts for a change.” She shoots my dad that look she always gives him when he’s gone too far, and he instantly falls silent. “There, that’s better. I thought he’d never shut up.” She giggles, and I just shake my head as we start to climb the stairs. My dad means well, but sometimes he overdoes it. I don’t think there’s any need to file a missing person’s report on Ivy—not yet at least.
I thought our destination was going to be the jewelry box on top of her nightstand, so I’m surprised when she ushers me into my childhood bedroom instead. There are no longer any football trophies on the desk or blue ribbons from the fair tacked to the mirror. After Cassidy died and I moved out for good, my mom packed everything away for when I was ready to look at it again. So much of my life was interwoven with Cassidy’s that it hurt to be reminded of all the memories we shared.
Stepping back into my old room, it feels like a different person lived here. A boy buoyed by hopes and dreams he thought for sure would come true. Reentering this space, I realize just how much I’ve changed. I’m a man now, hardened by experience and strengthened by love. I don’t take so much for granted anymore. I cherish each and every blessing in my life because I know how easily they can be taken away. I’m wary, but I’m hopeful. Loving, losing, and loving again has taught me a lot. Life has knocked me down, but it has also picked me back up. A moment spent wallowing in despair is a moment I’ll never get back. Life’s too short to waste pining over the past. I’d rather look ahead to the future. And thanks to Ivy, I’m able to do that now. My spirit was tested, but it didn’t break. If my struggles somehow strengthened me, then it was her love that saved me. Without going through the heartache, I wouldn’t have the joy.
“What are we doing in here, Mom?” I ask, scratching my head.
“Sit down,” she responds, patting the new comforter.
Even though the room’s been redecorated, the bed’s still in the same place. I instantly flashback to all of the conversations I’ve had with my mom in here when I was growing up—how she boosted my confidence the night before the SATs, lifted my spirits after a season-ending loss on the football field, scolded me for scratching during a nasty bout of chicken pox. Looking back, she was always there when I needed her, and I intend to do the same for my child.
“It feels weird being in here,” I admit, looking around at a room I barely recognize.
“Good weird or bad weird?” she asks, pulling a velvet box out of her pocket.
“I don’t know. Just weird,” I confess, distracted by what she has in her hand. “Is that it?”
“Yep, your grandma’s ring,” she says, snapping it open to reveal the simple diamond solitaire. “Even though she never got a chance to meet Ivy, I know she would be proud to have her wear this.”
“It’s beautiful,” I whisper, removing it from the satin cushion holding it in place. It looks so delicate resting on my palm. “But what if it’s not the right size? I mean, Ivy’s fingers are pretty swollen due to the pregnancy. I don’t want to mess this up by asking her to marry me then having to force the ring over her knuckle or something. I want it to be perfect.”
“Well, Eric, I think you’re going to have to wing it.” My mom pats my arm consolingly. “Besides, Ivy will probably want to wait until after she has the baby to have it sized. For now, she can always wear it on a chain around her neck.”
I try to hide my disappointment. My mom is only being realistic. There’s no way a jeweler can size it in time anyway. It’s just that I want to give Ivy a proposal she’ll remember for the rest of her life. No glitches. No screw-ups. And a ring that fits. But I guess it could be kind of sexy if I found a chain long enough for the ring to rest on her baby bump. I have to admit there’s something incredibly romantic about that.
“She knows this isn’t my first time doing this. That’s why I have to make sure it’s extra special,” I confess. This is one of those times where I’m glad I can tell my mom anything and she’ll understand.
“Does she know that you didn’t propose to Cassidy with this ring?” she asks, looking at me expectantly.
“It never came up,” I say ruefully. “Do you think that’s the first thing she’s going to think about when I ask her?”
“It probably won’t be the first thing that crosses her mind, but it’ll definitely be the second,” she states matter-of-factly, taking the ring from my fingers and placing it back in the box.
“Cassidy was just more of a girly-girl type. She insisted on picking out her own ring.” I shrug, not really understanding the ins and outs of the female brain. “When I approached her about wearing grandma’s ring, it’s not like she thought a quarter caret was too small…”
“But she dreamed of something bigger?” my mom replies knowingly, tilting her head.
“Exactly. But I never imagined how much it would cost. I only wanted Cassidy to be happy.” I furrow my brow, contemplating what I should do. “But this ring means a whole lot more to me. It always did. This is the one I see Ivy wearing, but I don’t want her to think I’m cheapening out on her.”
“Eric! She would never think that,” my mom admonishes. “I’ve gotten to know Ivy quite well over these past few months and I know she will cherish the sentimental value this ring holds.”
“You don’t think she’s going to compare it to the one I gave Cassidy? I mean, our engagement picture was everywhere. Ivy must have seen it.” I search my mom’s eyes, begging her to tell me the truth.
“Want my honest advice?” I silently nod my head, and she continues. “Take your time proposing to Ivy. Go somewhere quiet where the two of you can be alone. Start by telling her the story of how your grandfather proposed to your grandmother. Then, when you put the ring on her finger, it will mean so much more.”
“So you’re nixing my idea to get down on one knee in the middle of the airport?” I ask with a wry grin.
“Ivy is going to be so tired when she gets off the plane, Eric. What’s the rush?” she asks, getting to her feet. “No one likes to feel ambushed, especially when it comes to something as important as this. Wait a couple of days. Then take her somewhere special.”
“You do realize that if I can’t afford a diamond ring, then a trip to Paris is out of the question.” I nudge my mom with my elbow, following her out the door.
“I’m not talking about Paris, you knucklehead,” she scolds, swatting my arm as we approach the steps. “I was thinking a little closer to home, somewhere like the Hideaway Cliffs.”
I stop dead in my tracks. “Mom, you are brilliant!”
“I do have some good ideas from time to time. Don’t I, Frank?” she teases as we get to the bottom of the stairs and find my father snoring on the couch next to Shep.
I’m just about to laugh along with her when my phone rings. It’s an L.A. area code. I exhale for the first time today. Finally, I’ll get to hear Ivy’s voice.
“Ivy?” I say breathlessly into the receiver.
But it’s not Ivy. I turn slightly away from my parents to try and comprehend what I’m being told. My dad is fully awake now, and the two of them are looking at me with concern.
“And you’re with her now? She’s not alone?” I demand, my voice tight.
“Eric, honey. What is it? What’s wrong?” my mom whispers, tugging on my sleeve, but I hold up my hand for her to stop. I’m too agitated by what I’m hearing.
“I’ll grab the first flight out,” I insist, my eyes darting wildly around the living room. “When she wakes up, tell her I’m on my way, all right?”
My parents exchange a worried glance.
“Will, I need you to do this for me. You have to stay strong until I get there. You hear me?” I clutch the phone to my ear as my hand starts to shake. “Call me if anything changes.”
I jam my phone back into the holder on my belt, blinking back tears.
“Ivy was rushed to the hospital,” I manage to choke out as I drop to my knees, powerless to withstand this new wave of grief.
“And?” my dad urges as the two of them rush to my side.
“She’s in danger of losing the baby.”
