Текст книги "Take a Bow"

Автор книги: Elizabeth Eulberg

сообщить о нарушении

Текущая страница: 11 (всего у книги 12 страниц)

After weeks – okay, months, maybe even years – of practicing, it’s finally time.

My Berklee audition is first. I’m somewhat grateful since Berklee has an acceptance rate of thirty-five percent, compared to Juilliard’s eight percent. Like either of those odds are in anybody’s favor.

I decided to do the audition in New York instead of heading up to the Boston campus. While I’m used to sitting in the hallway, waiting for my name to be called out, the nerves are stronger than anything that I experienced at CPA.

I think about how much easier it would be if the guys were here.

I think about Ben, who doesn’t have to deal with auditions anymore.

I think about Jack, who is auditioning for CalArts today.

I think about Ethan, who had his Berklee audition yesterday.

I think about Carter, who is spending the weekend taking the GED.

What I don’t want to think about is next weekend. Doing this all over again, but at Juilliard. And then doing it again for Boston Conservatory, the Manhattan School of Music, and the San Francisco Conservatory.

Fortunately, most of the schools I applied to were part of the Unified Application for Music and Performing Arts Schools, so I only had to do one application for them. But there are auditions for each one.

Maybe by the end, I’ll no longer get nervous.

“Emme Connelly.”

My name is called out and the taste of bile stings my throat.

Or not.

The school week flies by. I don’t think about anything but the Juilliard audition. My audition is a little over two hours after Ethan’s. We go to a café near Lincoln Center for breakfast, but I can’t eat. Every time I try to put something in my stomach, it either comes back up or tastes like dust.

I annoy the waitress by asking for my eighth glass of water. I push my plate of eggs toward Ethan and he dives in. I wish I could be as confident as him, shoveling in food like he doesn’t have a care in the world.

“Thanks for coming early for me,” he says as he scrapes the plate clean.

“Thanks for staying late for me.”

We go to Juilliard and check in. We get our information packet and head to the practice rooms. We both go over our songs until it’s Ethan’s turn.

He looks at me expectantly. “Good luck. I know you don’t need it, but you’re going to be fabulous.” I give him a hug and he holds me tight. Maybe he’s a little nervous. I’m sure he’s been hiding it because if I knew he was nervous, I’d be even more of a wreck.

It feels like he’s been gone an eternity. I play through my songs so much that my hands are starting to get sore.

Finally, he opens the door. “How did it go?” I ask, throwing my arms around him. I think I need the hug more than he does.

“Good. The songs were the songs. I don’t know how I did during the interview portion – you know I’m not that good with stuff like that.”

Ethan can charm any audience. We once had an unruly crowd when we were opening for a metal band. These big, intimidating guys were not fans of ours. But Ethan gave as good as we got, and by the time the featured band was on, the guys were buying Ethan shots. He was fifteen.

We spend the time before my audition going over the interview questions. I’ve already practiced my answers on Ethan, who would never criticize me, so I don’t know if the answers are as good as he says.

All I know is that when my name is called out, my body goes numb. I say something to Ethan, but spend all my energy focusing on walking to the piano onstage.

“This is Emme Connelly and she is applying to the composition program,” a man in the audience says over the microphone. I decide to not look at the panel sitting in the audience. I look straight ahead, but something catches my eye. I look over to the side of the stage and see Ethan’s head barely poking out. I quickly glance at the panel and they don’t see him. But I can.

“Miss Connelly, can you tell us about the first song you will be performing for us?”

Ethan smiles at me and nods for me to continue.

“Yes, it is called ‘Defying Chance,’ and it’s a recent song I wrote about the chances we take in life … and how sometimes you’ve got to forget about chances and believe in yourself.”

“Okay, please begin when you are ready.”

I take a deep breath but quickly glance at Ethan, who’s beaming at me. I play the introduction and start to sing. I keep my eyes closed the entire time, only opening them up every once in a while to steal a look at Ethan.

I play the guitar for my second song, wanting to showcase my versatility with instruments. I can’t see Ethan, since I have to face the panel. But I can sense that he’s here with me.

I’m relieved only for a moment after my song ends, because now it’s my interview time.

“Can you tell us why you wish to get a degree in composition?”

“Yes. Ever since I can remember, I’ve had a special connection to music. I would spend hours listening to the radio or watching concerts on TV. When I started to take piano lessons, my teacher would get annoyed with me because I’d change the melodies of songs since I wanted them to sound like songs that I had in my head. For so long I thought it was a bad thing to do because I’d always get in trouble. She’d tell me, ‘That’s not what’s written on the page.’ I was getting so upset because I wanted to do my own songs, but then when I was six, I got a new teacher who encouraged me to write my own music.

“I love starting with a blank piece of paper and making a new song from scratch. There are many times when I step away from the end of a long day of composing and I’m surprised about how much I did. Like it was coming from someplace else. All I know is that I have this need to create music. And if I don’t get into any music programs, I’m still going to do it for as long as I breathe.”

I resist the urge to bite my lip. I wish I hadn’t said anything about not getting into school like it wouldn’t be a big deal. But it’s the truth. If I don’t make it to a music program, I’ll reapply next year to schools for education or business. But music will always be a part of who I am.

“Favorite composers?”

“Mozart, Beethoven, Bach, Rachmaninoff, Gershwin, Lennon/McCartney.”

There is some laughter at the last comment. But I write mostly pop/rock songs, so I’d be an idiot if I omitted probably the biggest musical influence of the past few decades.

“Can you tell us about a challenge you’ve had to face and how you’ve grown from it?”

Besides this audition?

“To be honest, being here, onstage, is a challenge. I’ve never been the kind of person who has a desire to be in the spotlight. What inspires me is the writing, not necessarily performing in front of an audience. Most of the music students I know enjoy seeing their name in lights and being onstage. But that’s always been my least favorite part. So standing up here having to sing for you, to have the confidence it requires to be an entertainer, that’s been a real challenge.

“However, this experience has really taught me a lot about myself. It’s wonderful to have people believe in you, but if you don’t believe in yourself, you really can’t accomplish much. So the fact that I’m standing here, and I’ll be able to walk out that door and be proud of what I’ve done, is an unbelievable accomplishment. It makes we wonder what else I’m capable of.”

I begin to feel a sting come from behind my eyes. I will not cry during my Juilliard audition. I meant every word of what I said. I’m really proud of myself. Every time I thought I would fall on my face, I rose to the occasion. And for the first time, I actually believe that I belong here.

“Why Juilliard?”

“Because it’s Juilliard,” I blurt out. Apparently I’ve become too comfortable onstage….

More laughter comes from below.

I try to recover. “I’m from Brooklyn. New York City is part of who I am. I attend the New York City High School of the Creative and Performing Arts, mainly because of its proximity to Juilliard. This has been my dream for so long, I think it would be more difficult for me to answer ‘Why would anybody choose not to go to Juilliard?’”

There is some whispering among the judges.

“Thank you.”

I’m startled. It’s over? That’s all they’re asking me? This is not a good sign. They talked to Ethan for nearly twenty minutes. I got maybe five.

“Thank you so much for your time,” I say before I head back to the hallway.

I open the door and see Ethan waiting for me.

He envelops me in his arms. “You were wonderful, the best I’ve ever heard you.”

“Thanks. How did you sneak in?”

“I’ve got my ways….”

“Did you hear my interview?”

He shakes his head. “I didn’t want to get caught, so I left once you couldn’t see me anymore.”

“They only asked me four questions.”

For a second, a look of worry crosses Ethan’s face, but he quickly disguises it.

“Emme, I think they only have those interviews to make sure you can string a few words together. Please don’t let this ruin the day. We are finished with our auditions. Flippin’ Juilliard!”

He’s right. It’s over. There’s nothing I can do now. The chances of me getting in are … well, eight percent. But I had the opportunity. I’ve got my other schools, I’ve got the guys. All will be well.

I hear a rumbling coming from my stomach.

“I’m starving.”

Ethan puts his arm around me and leads me out of the building. “It’s about time. Let’s get some food in you.”

I may have annoyed the waitress this morning with my repeated refills of water, but the older gentleman who is waiting on us at the Italian restaurant seems impressed by the amount of food I just packed away.

“Such a skinny girl. You eat more?”

“I think I’m done.” I push away my empty plate of chicken parm (which joined my empty plates of bruschetta, mozzarella sticks, and penne alla vodka).

Ethan smiles at me. “That was impressive.”

“Ugh. I’m so full. Why did you let me keep ordering?”

“Because you haven’t eaten a full meal in weeks.”

I rub my belly. “Can we walk through the park? I need to digest this food.”

“I think we’d have to walk around the entire isle of Manhattan for that.”

I throw my napkin at him. We get up and head east to Central Park. I wrap my scarf around me since all the blood has rushed to my stomach.

We head to the Imagine mosaic near Strawberry Fields. Ethan reassures me for the third time that my Lennon/McCartney answer was good.

“Thanks.”

“Of course.”

I look over at Ethan and realize that he’s been there with me through everything. He’s gone above and beyond more times than I deserve. I haven’t even missed Sophie at all, because once she went away, I realized that she didn’t ever really have an impact on me as a friend. Because she wasn’t a friend. Not like Ethan.

I study the Imagine mosaic. The small white and black stones together form a beautiful tribute to one of the greatest songwriters of all time. I see Ethan looking down as well. He’s a huge part of my life. If my world was a mosaic, Ethan would be one of the most significant pieces in it.

“Ethan.” He looks at me. “I know I say this a lot, but thank you. Truly thank you.” I feel a lump in my throat. “You have been so kind and generous to me since the day we met. I hope you know that I realize how much you do for me. You really mean the world to me. Seeing you there today made everything better. I couldn’t have done this, or a lot of things, without you.”

Ethan’s leg has been shaking since I began talking. He crosses his arms and takes a deep breath.

“Ethan? Are you okay?”

He looks at me with a serious look that I’ve never seen before.

“I have to tell you something.”

I don’t know if it is the food I ate, but I feel sick to my stomach. I’m not sure I can handle Ethan making another confession to me about girls or drinking or even worse. I, more than anything, want to believe that he’s stopped with his self-destructive antics.

“Emme, I am deeply and madly in love with you.”

I finally find the courage to say the words that have been stuck in my throat for four years. And once they’re out there, I realize that I can’t stop. I don’t want to stop.

“From the moment I saw you on our first day, I thought you were the most beautiful living creature that has ever graced this planet. When you came up to me in the cafeteria, I couldn’t believe that you would even speak to me. And every single second since, I have been in shock to have the fortune for you to be in my life.

“I never in a million years could ever think that you would see me as anything but the nerdy songwriter, so I’ve never said anything to you. I really cared about Kelsey, but she was a consolation prize because I couldn’t have you. And I know that sounds cruel, but it’s true. And all those girls at the show … I wanted you to see that some people found me attractive so that maybe you’d see me a different way. But I knew I was just making things worse. I knew you were so disappointed in me when I messed up. But part of me thought that if I kept messing up, it would give me a reason that you wouldn’t be with me. Not that I would ever have a chance. But then after you yelled at me, I had this feeling that you cared about me and, if you could be so passionate about me being an idiot, that if I could be a better person and not try to sabotage everything good in my life, you could see I’m just a guy who wants to do nothing but be in your presence.

“I don’t want to ruin our friendship and what we have, but I cannot for another minute stand in front of you without you knowing exactly how I feel. Because I can’t see past you. You are everything to me.”

I pause for a second. I try to swallow back some of the words. Emme’s eyes are wide. I have no idea what is going through her mind. But I need to tell her. I know that if I had to keep this charade up any longer, I would go mad.

I decide to go for broke. “Do you think you can trust me that I’ve changed, that I can be the person you need in your life and be with me? Emme?”

She blinks a few times and I feel dizzy when I see her bite her lip.

“Ethan … I didn’t know….”

“You had to know that I am crazy about you. Everybody knows.”

She shakes her head. “I didn’t think in such a … I guess …”

She goes over to a bench to sit down. I follow her and kneel so she has no choice but to look me in the eye.

“Ethan, I can’t imagine my life without you, but I think … I think … we should just be friends.”

I feel an ache in my chest at the sound of that word. Friend is the worst word you can hear when professing your love to someone. I guess if the only way I can have Emme is as a friend, I’ll have to settle for it. But I’m lying to myself if I think I can do that. And I’m so used to lying to myself, I know when I’m completely full of it. There’s no way I can do that.

A tear starts rolling down her face. “You know that if we were ever together, that if something went wrong, it would ruin the band, it would ruin what we have.”

“Or it can make it even better, even more amazing.”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

“Why?” I need to hear her say it. Whatever it is that is stopping her from being with me. Even if it’s that she finds me physically repulsive. I need to know, no matter how hard it hurts.

She lifts her head and looks me right in the eyes. “Because it would destroy me if you ever cheated on me. I could never handle that kind of betrayal from you.”

It feels as if the wind has been knocked out of me. Emme thinks that I would cheat on her. Because I cheated on Kelsey. A few times. In front of Emme.

“I would never do that to you. I have never betrayed you.”

Her shoulders begin to shake as I try to think of what else I could do. I’ve regretted a lot in my past, but never anything having to do with her, even now when my heart is being ripped in two.

She stands up. “I’m sorry, Ethan. I can’t.” She won’t even look at me before she runs away toward the street.

I stand there frozen until a pain surges in my forehead. I want to scream, I want to bash my head in, I want to shake Emme. No one will ever care for her as much as I do. Never. I need her to see that.

I shake my head, trying to clear the chaos of thoughts erupting in my mind.

There’s only one thing I know to do. One thing I can do to get a temporary reprieve from the misery I’m in.

I start to run home.

It takes me less than fifteen minutes to get home, and before I even get there, I already have the first two verses written.

I guess I was kidding myself when I thought that she’d come around. I only got a couple texts from Emme asking if I was okay and saying that she’s so sorry.

She’s basically apologizing for not loving me.

Yeah, I’m really sorry, too.

I start packing up my bag to head home. Emme and I haven’t really spoken since Saturday. Jack and Ben are more than aware that there’s something going on. When Jack made a joke about the tension during lunch on Monday, Emme started to cry and left the table. I think I’ve spoken about five words all week. And those would be “Just leave it alone, Jack.”

But we have a gig tonight and it’s hard to hide from each other in the tiny room backstage.

I dread even the thought of being in any room – big or small – having to look at Emme and pretend that my life hasn’t been shattered into a million little pieces. I force the school’s main door open with so much anger that the windows shake.

“Ethan?” I look over to see Carter reading a book on the steps. “Are you okay?”

He gets up.

“What are you doing here?” I don’t even pretend to be polite. Not that Carter did anything, but I’m so mad right now, I’d take it out on a blind nun.

“I’m meeting Emme….” He stops himself. His head cocks to the side as if he gets what’s going on. “You know this is hard on her, too.”

I hate how he can read people like we are all some open book here for his amusement.

“She’s not the one who is being rejected.” I fold my arms and glare at him.

“It’s not that simple.”

I start to walk away. What does Carter Harrison know about anything? And I guess he’s officially replacing me now? He’s Emme’s new confidant. I wonder if they’re anything else.

My body jerks as Carter grabs my arm. It takes every ounce of self-control to not punch him. “What do you want?”

He returns the hard stare. “Ethan, have you put yourself in Emme’s shoes? I don’t think she’s gotten over how betrayed she was by Sophie. Her best friend for nearly ten years turns out to be a fake who calls her out in front of the entire school. You, Ben, and Jack have been there for her since the beginning of freshman year. Do you have any idea of how scared she is of being hurt again, especially by someone who means as much to her as you?”

“I’d never hurt Emme. I’ve told her that, but she doesn’t believe me. She doesn’t want to hear it.”

“Then do something to make her hear you.”

He drops his grip and walks away.

It pains me to say it, but Carter is right.

I know what I need to do. It’s not like I’ve never done it before. But this time it’s different. Because I can’t lose the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

It’s like old times up onstage with the group. And it’s not that nostalgic feeling you have when reminiscing about the past.

No, I’ve become a mute between songs. I do my best to engage the crowd, but I can’t focus on them. I’ve only got one goal before me and it has nothing to do with the mass of people standing in front of me.

I’ve caught Ben and Emme exchanging knowing looks during the set. They know something is wrong. But neither one of them has any idea how wrong it all is.

We end with “Beat It,” since that’s become our signature song. The four of us take a bow and the others start to walk away. But I don’t move.

I see Emme pause for a second as she steps offstage. But I start to tune my guitar and try not to wuss out.

Because I’m about ready to do the biggest audition of my life.

“Thanks, everybody.” The crowd quiets down. “I’m actually going to do one more number, if that’s okay with you.” They scream. I block out the movement coming from the side of the stage.

I strum the first few chords of the song. “This is a song I wrote this past weekend, and the guys haven’t had a chance to hear it yet.” More applause. “As some of you who are familiar with the band know, a lot of my writing comes from the stupid things I’ve done. And I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve dug my own grave a few times.” There are a few approving screams from the audience. “But sometimes something wonderful comes into your life that forces you to man up. So this song is for that radiant person.”

I refuse to even look at Emme. I already know she’s staring at the floor.

My hands are shaking as I smooth out the piece of paper with the words on it and set it on the floor. It’s a page from the notebook Emme gave me at Christmas.

I start to pick a melody from the guitar and then sing:

There are so many words bottled up inside

They scream out to be released

You’ve cast a spell over me

Been blinded for long, but can now see

You’re the only thing that matters in my life

All that I’ve done is for you

The biggest piece, the biggest part

The one person who controls my heart

If I could kiss away your pain, I would

If I could hold you every night, I would

If I could erase every mistake, every other face

I wouldn’t change a thing

Because all those things led me to this place

And to you

Because I … I could never break your heart

I wouldn’t know where to start

All I know to be true

Is the only breaking will be done by you

If I could make you smile all day, I would

If I could be the person you want, I would

If I could erase every mistake, every other face

I wouldn’t change a thing

Because all those things led me to this place

And to you

Because I … I could never break your heart

I wouldn’t know where to start

All I know to be true

Is the only breaking will be done by you

The last note hangs in the air. I grab the lyrics from the floor and head off the stage. I hear the crowd reacting, but I don’t care. It wasn’t for them. It never has been.

I turn for the first time to see her reaction. Her eyes are wide, her lips are pursed, her face pale. She looks down at the ground as I approach. Ben grabs Jack and they walk away.

“Emme.” I see her shiver slightly.

She starts shaking her head. She’s saying something, but I can’t hear her over the crowd.

I lean in so I’m close to her. “I’m sorry,” she says.

My entire body aches at her apology. “Because you don’t have feelings for me?”

She looks up at me and I can tell she’s mad. “I do have feelings for you, Ethan. That’s the problem. We’re best friends, you’re the closest person in the world to me. Why can’t we just keep things the way they are now?”

“Because I love you.”

“And I love you, too.”

I’ve wanted to hear those words from her for so long. Although I know her love and my love are two very different things. “But just not in that way, right?”

She doesn’t respond. I feel a madness creep over me. I need to get out of here, away from Emme.

I hear a voice call out after me. But it’s not Emme’s voice, so I don’t care.

A hand wraps itself tightly around my arm. “Ethan, are you okay?”

It’s Ben. I yank my arm free.

“I can’t do this anymore.”

I turn my back and walk away from Emme, from the band, from my life.