Текст книги "In Too Deep"

Автор книги: Eliza Jane

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Текущая страница: 13 (всего у книги 14 страниц)

Chapter 44

Colt is shirtless sitting on his bed looking like a sex-god, but his expression is troubled. I know he’s waiting for me to say something…but when I said I needed a minute… I really meant it.

I know I’m being unfair. How can I compare my fears over what happened with Wes to his fears. He has truly lost love – his mother’s love, his father’s love according to him – his family. Love and loss pulled them apart. It was too painful to go on living like a family after they lost her. Of course he’s broken. How can I ask him to just get over something like that?

              The heart break of losing Wes lasted what…a few months? Colt lost his family – that isn’t something you get over – ever. Can I accept him…and all his issues? Can I be with him on his terms?

No. I can’t. I need more than just the physical stuff to be happy. But maybe after some negotiating…

“I could never be one of your...one nighters, Colt. I’m sorry. I just can’t.”

He laughs. The bastard actually laughs! “I know that Taylor. That’s not what I want either.”

“What do you want?” I ask in a small voice.

He pulls me closer, so we’re lying together again, my head resting against his chest. “I like hanging out with you. And I want to be able to kiss you and touch you too.”

I swallow roughly as his hand glides up the side of my neck and into my hair. “Colt, that sounds like a girlfriend.”

He shakes his head. “No…I’m not good with… the girlfriend thing. I told you that.”

“Only because you won’t let yourself be.” I prop myself up on one elbow and look down at him.

He looks deep in thought while he considers my words. “Maybe we could try something…” A mischievous smile crosses his lips and I doubt I’ll have the willpower to say no twice tonight. He runs his hand up my thigh and my breath hitches.

I blush ferociously.

“I know how much I affect you. I can see it in your eyes, the way your body responds to me.” He brings his hand up so it’s resting on my belly. I suck in another breath at the intimacy of it. “And when I touch you…I love the noises you make.”

I inhale at his choice of words. Damn, my body is totally giving me away. I blush and look down.

“Don’t.” He lifts my chin. “You do the same to me.” He places my hand over his racing heart. I look up and meet his eyes. They are soft with desire. He removes my hand from his heart and laces his fingers with mine. “You have to know the effect you have on me. I thought it was obvious.”

I take a deep breath to clear my head. “Colt, you’re probably effected like this by any girl that walks into the room.”

“Not like this.” He shakes his head slowly as if he’s in disbelief. “You do this to me, Taylor. Just you.” His voice is soft and it washes over me. “With you, it’s different. I can’t explain how, it just is. I never know what to expect with you.”

My heart squeezes tightly in my chest. “Maybe we could try some sort of compromise then?” I offer. That is so the hormones talking.

“Compromise?” He tips his head.

I imagine it’s hard for him to concentrate with all the blood rushing to a certain part of his body. I let a giggle escape.

“Tell me what you mean,” he coaxes.

“Well, some of what I want…and some of what you want.”

He smiles.

I continue, “For instance, hanging out…that’s suitable to me.”

“Me too.” He brushes the hair off my neck, and trails his fingers over my throat, grazing my collarbone, down to the edge of my shirt.

My hormones riot, silently begging his hand to continue south.

“Me touching you?” he asks, huskily.

“Yes,” I whisper. “That’s suitable.”

He grins and kisses my jaw. “Good girl.”

I suck in a deep breath, desperately trying to keep a level head. “But no sex.”

His lips freeze momentarily on my neck. Then he recovers and places another kiss, near my ear this time. “Okay.”

“And no sex with anyone else either.”

He stops his assault on my neck and meets my eyes. “No sex at all then?”

I nod smugly, feeling clever.

His jaw drops.

Crap. Maybe I’ve gone too far. I look down, staring at my hands.

He lifts my chin and kisses me swiftly. “You either then.”

Now I’m the one with my mouth hanging open. He uses my position to his advantage and leans forward, running his tongue along my bottom lip. “Any more rules?” His mouth still rests against mine.

“Just one.”

He pulls back just a bit.

I feel kind of dumb at this last one, maybe I’m crossing the line into girlfriend territory even asking, but knowing it’s what I want, I press on. “Dates. I like you taking me out.” I look down. I know I like it because it makes me feel different and special. MJ said he never dated before me. I like that this applies only to me.

“No.” He shakes his head, his expression firm.

“No?” My stomach drops. I guess he wants to keep this as far from a real relationship as possible. That thought hurts.

“I do want to take you out, but not because it’s part of some agreement. So can we just leave that out of this? You just have to trust me.”

I nod eagerly, suddenly at a loss for words.

He leans in to kiss me again while my head swims with what we’ve just agreed to.

Chapter 45

It doesn’t matter how I feel about Taylor. Our days are numbered, because once she discovers McAllister is my father, she’ll split. And even though I know I should tell her, I’m not ready for this to end when things are just getting good between us.

Our compromise, as she calls it is working amazingly well. The last week has been incredible. She’s still on her mission to get to the bottom of McAllister’s motivation to crash the tanker, but she also lets me distract her with…playtime, as she calls it. We hang out at night in my room, where we cuddle, give each other massages, play games and take things slow.

Today we’re sitting in the common room, which is thankfully empty watching a movie. Taylor is wrapped in my arms, leaning against my chest. I haven’t been paying attention to the movie for the last fifteen minutes. Instead I’m enjoying just holding her. Something I never thought I’d feel. But then again, she does provoke all kinds of new feelings inside of me.

I notice things about her that I guess I’ve never taken the time to notice with other girls. Like the way her shampoo smells, her contoured ankle bones, her cute earlobes, and the collar bone framing her chest. I run my hand up the back of her neck, into her hair. “You’re so soft,” I whisper, kneading her neck.

She grins at my distraction from the movie. “You’re not watching this at all, are you?”

“Nope.” I kiss the side of her neck. “You’re too distracting.”

She laughs. “I don’t see how, I’m just sitting here.”

“Just trust me.”

“I do,” she says meeting my eyes.

Those blue eyes stir something inside of me. She shouldn’t trust me. I push the thought away, and lean in to kiss her.

Taylor turns off the movie and a few minutes later, she’s straddling me on the couch, kissing me hungrily, making those soft groans and gasps I love.

I can feel her heart beating against my chest, its steady thrumming insistent and certain. I love how alive I feel with her. Her softness, and the fact that this is all still new for her makes me want to be careful with her, to take my time, which is something I’ve never felt before.

She kisses me deeply, and works her hands under my shirt, running them along my chest. Okay, forget taking my time. I pull her closer into my lap, my jeans straining between us.

The door flies open and Taylor leaps off my lap, straightening her shirt.

I turn back to glare at whoever the hell just interrupted us.

It’s MJ, grinning like a damn fool. “Well it’s about fucking time,” MJ says, chuckling to herself.

I shoot MJ a look, imploring her to leave. She exits the room with a huge grin on her face. Taylor blushes, smoothing down her hair, and pulls away from me on the couch.

Playtime is over. Damn.

“Don’t go. MJ saw us, so what?” I kiss her hand.

She smiles lightly. “I have homework I should be doing anyways.” She squeezes my hand. “Later?”

“Later,” I confirm.

Chapter 46

Later finally arrives, and I’m back in Colt’s room. My nightly solace from the horrifying truth of my last assignment.

I’m still racked with guilt over the oil spill, the baby seals I see on TV covered in the sticky soot, the huge ship resting unnaturally on its side against the reef, and the millions of gallons of black oil lapping at the once pristine shoreline.

But with each day that’s passed since the disaster, my fear that I’ll be discovered and removed from class in handcuffs has subsided.  And Colt has been the best distraction I could have hoped for. I wish he could see our compromise for what it is, but I know I can’t rush him. And regardless of whatever label we’ve placed on our non-relationship, I am incredibly grateful for him. I wouldn’t be coping nearly as well if it weren’t for Colt.

But I am far from okay with how things are. I still want Colt’s realization at what we have, and of course I still want revenge on McAllister too.

I take a deep breath, willing myself to be brave. “Colt?”

“Hm?” He’s absently massaging my hand, tracing the lifeline over and over with his fingertip.

“I want to talk about our compromise.”

He straightens and looks at me.

“What about it? You don’t like how things are going?”

I shake my head. “It’s not that.” It’s the opposite in fact.

He smiles, relaxing into me once again. “Then what is it, baby?”

His nickname for me always makes me smile. “It’s just that, I am enjoying it…but I think I could enjoy it more if I knew where we stood. What we… are.”

Crap. I totally sound like the high school girl that I am. But it’s too late. Colt’s brow creases with understanding. “I’m listening…what did you have in mind?”

I look at him, my eyes sparking with hope. “So I’ve been thinking lately…” I take my time, not wanting to rush this.

His eyes are bright and beautiful and he’s watching me again.

“What we have, what we’re doing…what’s the difference between this and a real relationship?”

He’s quiet for a few moments and my heart pounds in my chest. I have no idea if he’s going to push me away or if he’s realizing what I’m saying is true.

He brings his hand to my face, and softly strokes my cheek with the back of his knuckles. “Okay,” he whispers, nuzzling into my neck.

“Okay?”

“I’ve been thinking about it too,” he says.

“Oh really?” I tease.

“Yes, I was thinking that the, uh,  girlfriend thing – I might like to try that. With you.”

My heart flips and does a somersault. “Really?” Holy God, Colt wants me. Me!

He smiles and takes my hand, lacing his fingers with mine. “Would that make you happy, baby?”

I smile. “I think that could be good.” I try my best to play it cool, but in my mind, I’m twirling in full happy dance mode.

“But?” he prompts, tilting his head at my hesitation.

“But there are probably a few things we need to talk about first.”

Chapter 47

I wait anxiously for Taylor to say something, anything. I’ve just put myself out there, but she presses her lips together, being coy. Then she takes my hand and pulls me down to the bed with her. This is getting interesting.

“I want to…but I’m scared.”

I’m an idiot. Of course she’s scared. This is all new for her.

I take her hand, running my thumb across her knuckles. “No. Don’t be. I promise to be gentle, and we won’t do anything you’re not ready for. Until you’re sure, okay?”

Her lips twist into a smile. “No, I’m not scared of that…”

I tilt my head. Well now I’m thoroughly confused. “Wait. So you’re not a virgin?”

She pulls her hand out of mine. “No. Is that a problem?”

“Of course not. I just thought…”

She swallows, looking unsure. “My ex-boyfriend, Wes.” She looks down as though she’s afraid to admit it.

“Shhh.” I take her hand again. “That doesn’t matter to me. Tell me why you’re scared.”

She settles back, leaning against the pillows, visibly relieved at my reaction. She lets me take her hand and lace my fingers with hers again. But I don’t like the way she studies our hands together, like she’s looking for flaws.

“Everyone seems to think the only reason you haven’t moved on to another girl is because we haven’t, uh, messed around yet. And I’m scared that if we do, you’ll get bored of me…and… I don’t want to lose you.”

“No.” I shake my head, pulling her close, tucking her against my chest.

“No? Just no?” Her voice is questioning, sarcastic.

It makes me smile.

“Care to elaborate?” she asks.

“It’s not like that with you, Taylor. I want you, trust me, more than anything, but that’s not all I want. I like hanging out with you, I like the way you want to train with me, how tough you are. You’re beautiful, smart and sassy as hell, and I love all of it.”

Love? Did I just say love? That came out of nowhere.

“Thank you,” she says against my neck. “If you want to do this…this girlfriend thing, as you call it…we’ll need to take it slow.”

“Okay.” I nod. “I can do slow.”

“Are you sure?” She sounds skeptical.

“No. But I’ll try.” How hard can it be?

The air hangs between us, charged with a new energy, raw and radiating intensity. I like the idea that she’s mine. “So you’ll be with me then?”

She nods.

I pull back and look at her. I bring my hand up and carefully touch her mouth. At my touch, she parts her lips and draws in a breath. She blushes at my attention, her eyes falling closed.

I love the effect I have on her. Fuck, there’s that word again. Love. I ignore it. “These pretty, full lips are mine now.”

Her eyes fly open, studying me. I hold my breath, hoping I haven’t pushed her away with that admission.

She takes a deep breath and releases it slowly. “Even though I’ve done it before, I need you to know that I won’t be ready for sex for a while…okay?”

I nod. “Baby, I told you, that’s fine.” I do my best to reassure her, but my body is on edge with want for her. I take a deep breath, calming myself.

She gives me a naughty little grin. “But that doesn’t mean we can’t play a little.”

I nearly choke on my breath. “Play?”

She nods seductively, blinking up at me, batting her eyelashes. “That okay with you?”

“Yes, please.”

She giggles as I lean in closer, ever eager, but I remind myself not to rush her. I am not going to be good at this going slow thing. But knowing I have to try, I take my time as her rich vanilla scent fills all my senses.

Chapter 48

Colt’s phone has buzzed against his desk twice now. The third time, I hop up from the bed and jog for it. The name Yes flashes on the screen. A pang of jealousy flares up inside of me.

“Who is it?” he asks.

“Here.” I toss the phone at him. I can’t say her name. Actually I don’t even know her name, just the sexy yet ridiculous nickname he’s given her that makes me want to puke. The next time I get a hold of his phone, I’m going to change the contact name to No.

He inspects the phone with a frown, then sets it on the table beside his bed. “Don’t worry about her. You have nothing to worry about.”

We continue snuggling on his bed, pretending to watch a movie when there’s a knock at his door.

We both sit up, looking at each other. Who’d be here this late? “Are you expecting someone?”

“No.” He shakes his head.

I stand beside the table while he opens the door.

A beautiful blonde with long, lean legs and sky high heels stands pouting at his door. “You didn’t answer your phone.” Her voice is light, seductive.

Holy shit! This is Yes.

“Oh.” Her eyes dart past him to me. “I didn’t know you had company.” The tension on her face is visible. She doesn’t like the idea of Colt being with anyone else.

Colt, who seems stunned and unsure, recovers just slightly, motioning her to come inside. “This is Taylor, my girlfriend.” He says it so naturally. My heart swells with pride.

She sucks in a breath, her eyes moving over me with hatred.

“This is Samantha.” He walks back over to me, snaking his arm around my waist, which is good, because my legs feel shaky.

She’s gorgeous. This girl makes Bria look homely. Holy shit. This is not good. Not good at all. Samantha comes closer, her heels clicking across the wooden floor. She extends her hand to me, shaking mine once. She looks a few years older than Colt. Her face is impassive, confident and poised. She gives nothing away.

Meanwhile my cheeks flame red, remembering the loud groans and bed knocking against the wall that night. And then her seeing me crying in the hall. She doesn’t seem to recognize me though, thank God.

Colt clutches my hip, and I’m not sure if he’s trying to convince me, himself or Samantha that we’re together. Holy hell. Breathe Taylor. Seeing her in his room is more than I can handle.

“Why are you here?” Colt asks.

“I thought you’d be alone and might want some company.”

“I didn’t answer my phone. That should tell you I’m not available.”

The banter between them is thick with tension. I can feel their closeness, that they know each other well. And I really freaking hate it.

I slip out of Colt’s grasp, needing to make a break for the door. “I’ll let you guys talk.”

“No, Taylor. You don’t have to go.” Colt reaches for me again.

“It’s okay. You guys probably have some things to sort out, I’ll just be outside.”

He nods, almost reluctantly, like he doesn’t want me to leave him alone with this girl. I don’t want to leave him alone with her either, but I can’t watch them together.

I step out into the hall, leaning against the wall. I leave the door cracked open behind me. I’m not going to leave them completely alone and unsupervised in his room. I trust Colt, it’s her I don’t trust.

Samantha’s heels click across the floor. I don’t like knowing that she’s so comfortable in his bedroom. “So that’s who’s captured all your attention lately.”

“Yes,” he returns, polite as ever.

“She looks awfully young. Does she satisfy you, Colt?”

“That’s none of your damn business, Samantha. Why are you here?” His voice sounds tense.

“I don’t get what you see in her. Why does she get all your attention and I don’t anymore?”

Colt stays quiet and my heart thumps against my chest, waiting.

Samantha’s heels click across the floor again. “I was your go to girl. I know you. And I know you must miss it.”

“Miss what?”

“The sex,” her voice is teasing, playful.

Holy God. I can’t breathe. I hold my breath, waiting for Colt to answer. He must miss it.

“No,” Colt says, his voice firm.

Oh, thank God. Air surges into my lungs again. Samantha isn’t the meaningless fling Colt always assumed she was. She likes him. I can hear it in her voice. Her desperate pleas. She wants the side of him that I have captured.

“I outlasted all your other play things. You’ll get bored of this one too.”

“I am far from bored by her,” Colt says.

“Oh.” Samantha laughs. “I get it. You haven’t had her yet. Well once you get her out of your system, baby you know I’ll be there for you.”

My insides flame with jealousy. I want to storm in there. I want to cause her physical pain, but instead, I stand in the hall trembling.

“That’s enough. I think you should go now.”

Her heels click across the floor again. “Just remember how good we used to be, baby.”

“Goodbye, Samantha.”

I disappear down the hall, not wanting Samantha or Colt to see me cry.

Chapter 49

I should never have let Taylor leave while I talked to Samantha. Hell, I shouldn’t even let Samantha in my room, but I was so stunned when I saw her at the door, I wasn’t thinking clearly. I should have escorted her back to the front doors and told things were over between us.

I’d always suspected she wanted something more from me. She knew we weren’t exclusive, that I saw other girls, and she never seemed threatened by it before. Then again, I’d never had a girlfriend before. This was all new for me. But now Taylor’s disappeared and I’m terrified I’ve fucked this up already.

After searching the dorms, then the rec room, I realize I know where she is. I head for the fourth floor, and find her in front of her computer.

Her eyes dart up when she hears me come in. Deep blue eyes sear into mine, damp with tears that she quickly wipes away with the backs of her hands. Something in my chest tightens, filling me with longing and confusion.

I keep making her cry. I go to her, falling on my knees in front of her chair. “Baby I’m sorry.”

She stifles a sob, and laces her fingers in my hair. “S’okay.”

I rest my head across her knees, letting her play with my hair, knowing I don’t deserve it.

I lift my head, meeting her eyes. “No it’s not. I shouldn’t have let her into my room. And I didn’t want you to leave. You’re with me now. She means nothing to me. Everything’s over between her and I.” A single tear rolls down her cheek and I wipe it away. “Okay?” I ask, taking her hand.

She nods. But I can tell she’s still sad. I hurt her, and I hate that.

All this raw emotion is stirring up forgotten feelings inside me. Things I’d long ago stowed away. I knew not to let myself get attached. It was a lesson I taught myself after I watched my mom waste away and pass on, when my little brother broke and shattered, and my father, no longer wanting to look at the two boys who reminded him of his wife, threw himself into his business. It was so much easier not to feel, not to get attached…to anything or anyone.

I rest my head on Taylor’s knees, completely at her mercy. I know I don’t deserve her. I know I’m not worthy and won’t be able to give her what she needs, but I’m just selfish enough to try.

* * *

The next morning, I catch McAllister in the hall, a rolling suitcase in tow. He stops when he sees me, a guilty look flashing across his face, then he straightens his shoulders and turns to face me.

“I need to go away for a few days on business. I just sent you an email. You’re in charge of day-to-day decisions. If anything bigger comes up, call my cell.”

Without so much as a goodbye, he turns and continues down the hall, rolling his bag behind him. Watching his retreating back, bag in hand brings up an unwelcome memory. After my mom died, he began leaving on overnight business trips more and more, to the point where he was rarely ever home.

“You can’t just run away this time,” I call after him.

He stops stiffening and turns to face me once again. His eyes meet mine and I can see he’s trying to decide if he should just keep walking.

I press on before he has the chance to decide. “I know you think I was too young to remember, but I remember everything.”

His eyes dance nervously on mine, unsure of what I’ll say next. And frankly so am I. But I’m on a roll now. I take a step closer to him.

“After mom passed, you threw yourself into this place like never before. You were rarely home, you even started spending the night here, leaving me and Reis with Mrs. Lee just so you didn’t have to face us.”

He shifts nervously, fiddling with the handle of his suitcase.

“You chose to give up your family a long time ago, Dad.” I hadn’t called him that in so long, the word surprises us both. An expression from long ago crosses his face. Compassion? Sorrow?

“You need to make things right with Taylor.”

He cocks his head, the expression fading away the instant I mention her name. “I’ve upset your latest conquest? What a travesty. Spare me. Don’t think for a second that I don’t know what goes on around here. I’ve been fully briefed. I’m just glad your mother isn’t around to see how you’ve turned out.”

He turns and stalks down the hall, yanking his bag behind him.

“Just run away!” I call after him. “It’s what you do best.”

Jackass.