Текст книги "Freeing"

Автор книги: E. K. Blair

сообщить о нарушении

Текущая страница: 9 (всего у книги 13 страниц)

Running my hands up his thighs, he rolls his hips over me. I slide one of my hands behind his neck and bring him down to me, needing to be closer to him. He kisses me, and I can’t control myself when I groan into his mouth. We continue to take our time with our kisses as I begin to stroke him. He wraps his hand around my hand, and we work together as we both start to increase our movements.

When Mark whispers in my ear, “God, I love you,” I find it hard to control myself, and I thrust myself deep inside of him. His hand tightens around mine, and I quicken my pace slightly as I pump the length of him. Everything about this feels so good, and I’m on the verge of losing it.

Dropping his forehead to mine, Mark grinds himself down on me as I feel the heat of him when he starts to come in my hand. His body jerks, and seeing him like this, on top of me, throws me over. I bury myself deep inside of him as my body explodes beneath his. I grip his hips and dig my fingers into his skin as I thrust up into him a couple more times.

He looks down at me, grinning, with a sheen of sweat covering his neck. “Come here,” I breathe. And when he leans back down to me, I kiss him, licking him deep and taking all that he’s willing to give. He shifts off of me and reaches over to grab my shirt. After he cleans us up, he tosses the shirt to the floor, and I draw him in close to me.

Lying face to face, he says, “Thanks.”

I run my fingers along his face and softly ask, “For what?”

“Giving me something new.”

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“That’s not normally my thing, but I know it isn’t yours either,” he admits, and suddenly I feel like a dick.

“Shit, I’m sorry.”

“No, I mean, I’ve bottomed before, but it’s never been like that.” He kisses me before continuing. “I’ve never felt for anyone the way I do you, so I don’t mind.”

“You should’ve said something.”

“I love you, so it doesn’t matter. I just wanted you to know.”

We shift and get comfortable in each other’s arms. We don’t talk. We don’t need to. He knows where my heart is at as we simply lie together in the aftermath of making love and wrap ourselves up in each other.

The past couple weeks have been busy with school. My professors didn’t like my initial design, so I have been busting my ass trying to come up with a new concept. I’ve fallen even further behind, and Mark has been helping me with the tedious renderings and mark-ups to help me catch up.

My mom called again last week in another attempt to get me to come back home. Hearing the pain in her voice is hard on me. I hate it. I love her so much, but her unwillingness to accept me tears me apart. Mark is right though; I’m not the cause of her sadness.

A text from Mark brings me out of my thoughts.

On my way. Got hung up with practice.

It’s cool. I’ll go ahead and get your drink.

I grab Mark a coffee and wait for him to meet me. He’s been having more band rehearsals, because they’ve been busy writing some new material since they play every week at Ryan’s bar.

When he finally walks into the coffee shop, he looks pissed. He spots me and makes his way back to where I am. Sitting down, he grabs his coffee and takes a sip.

“What’s wrong?” I ask.

Setting his cup down, he lets out a deep breath. “Aiden is just pissing me off. He keeps fuckin’ around with my music and changing it up. I don’t have time to be learning all these new songs to have him go right back and change them.”

“What does everyone else say?”

“Everyone is pissed at this point, so today was nothing but a bitch session, wasting my time.” Leaning back in his chair, he continues, “He wants to play some of the new stuff tomorrow night, but it isn’t ready.”

“That sucks.”

“Yeah, I know. Anyway, enough of my bitching. Did you show Gibson your new design?”

“Uh huh. He really liked it, so hopefully I won’t have to go back and change anything, and I can start to catch up,” I say. I have been so stressed out lately with this project.

“That’s good. Well, I’m about to submit my stuff for presentation, so when I do, I’ll have some more free time if you need any help.”

His eyes shift over my shoulder as I say, “Thanks.”

When Mark gives a slight nod, I turn to see who he’s looking at. Shit! When I see Preston walking over, I turn to stone as panic courses through me. How the hell does Mark know him?

“Hey, what’s going on?” he says as Mark stands to give him a friendly clap on the shoulder before sitting back down.

“Not much. Was actually just with Aiden.”

I shift uncomfortably in my seat and then Mark looks at me, saying, “Jase, this is Preston. He’s a friend of Aiden’s.”

“I already know Jase,” Preston butts in with a snide smirk on his face, and I quickly stammer and tell Mark, “Yeah, we’ve run into each other a few times.”

Suddenly, what I felt was nothing more than an irrelevant hookup, just like all the others, seems more like a lie of omission from Mark, and I’m caught in the confines of remorse and anxiety. Distraction saves me when I hear my phone ring. When I take it out of my pocket, I look to Mark and say, “It’s Candace.”

As soon as I answer it, I can hear her crying. And the bullshit happening in front of me vanishes in an instant.

“Sweetie, are you okay?”

She can hardly get her words out through her breaths. “No. I need you. Please.”

“What happened?” I ask and immediately stand up, shrugging on my jacket, needing to get to her. Mark stands up and starts following me out the door as I walk away from one of the many regrets of my past.

“I can’t breathe.” Her voice is strained as she speaks through heavy gasps.

“I’m on my way, just try to relax,” I tell her.

She hangs up the phone, and I rush to my car.

“What’s going on?” Mark asks.

“I have no clue, but she’s crying and freaking out. I gotta go. Sorry. I’ll call you, okay?” I say as I hop into my car.

“Yeah, go. Let me know what’s going on.”

I don’t even respond when I peel out of my parking spot and start speeding to her house. Everything from that exchange back there seems so trivial compared to what Candace is going through, and right now, she needs me. My heart beats hard as I try to get to her. Running through stop signs and honking at the slow-ass people driving on the road, I finally rip into her driveway. Fiddling with my keys, I find the one for her door. When I walk in, I can hear her faint cries. Going into her room, I open her closet door and see her lying on the floor covered in vomit.

“Shit. What happened?” I say as I rush to her and scoop her up in my arms.

She clings to me as I carry her into her bathroom and start stripping off her soiled clothes. She’s vacant as she sits on the edge of the tub, crying and shaking, and my heart breaks for her. Never have I seen a person so broken, but to have Candace be this person debilitates me in a way I wish I’d never have to feel.

I toss her shorts and shirt into the tub and kneel down between her legs. Holding onto her knees, I whisper, “What happened, sweetie?”

She just shakes her head and covers her face with her hands as she cries. I wrap her up in my arms and hold her. I hold her for what feels like a long time until she softens in my arms. When I look at her, she’s exhausted. I don’t say anything. I know she hates talking when she’s this upset. I walk over to the shower and turn the water on. I return to her and pull her up.

“You need me to help you clean up?” I ask.

She shakes her head and takes off her underwear before stepping into the water. I give her space and leave her alone while I go to the laundry room and grab some towels to clean her closet floor. I don’t know what the hell happened, but I’m pretty sure she had another one of her nightmares. This is the stuff that makes me feel so guilty for not being around more.

After cleaning everything up, I go back into her bathroom to grab her clothes, and I see her arms braced on the tile wall as she stands under the showerhead. Her head is hanging down, and I just want to grab her and take it all away, but I can’t. I can’t do anything to make this stop hurting her. I walk back to the laundry room and toss everything in the washer and start it.

When I return to her room, the water is still running, so I call Mark.

“Hey, babe. How is she?” he asks.

“Not good. I hate this,” I say, defeated. Like somehow I’ve let her down.

“What happened?”

Letting out a sigh, I tell him, “When I got here she was in her closet crying. She had thrown up and was lying in it.”

“Oh my God.” He’s worried; I can hear it in his voice.

“She hasn’t said anything yet. She’s in the shower now, but I know she had another nightmare. She doesn’t take her sleeping pill when she takes naps in the middle of the day.”

“You need me to come over there?” he asks, and I love that he does.

“No, it’s fine. I’m gonna stay here for a while though.” There is no way I can leave her like this. I don’t want to.

“Maybe you should talk to her about seeing a therapist or something.”

“Yeah, I’ll try, but I know she’ll just shut me down,” I say and then hear the shower turn off.

“God, I feel so bad for her,” he says in a soft breath, and I am right there with him, feeling the pain.

“I know. She’s getting out of the shower, so I need to let you go.”

“Okay. I love you.”

“I love you too. I’ll call you later.”

I go ahead and grab Candace some clothes from her dresser and take them to her in the bathroom. She gets dressed and throws her hair up on top of her head. I take her hand and pull her into bed with me and hold onto her. She clings to me and buries her head in my chest.

Whispering, I ask, “Another nightmare?”

“Yeah,” she breathes out.

“Wanna talk about it?”

“No.”

Pulling her hairband out, I start combing my fingers through the wet strands.

“I really think you should talk to someone about this.”

“Jase. Please don’t.”

“I know you don’t want to, but it’s been a couple of months and I feel like you’re just sinking further away. I’m worried.”

“It’s fine. I just need a little more time to pass,” she says, and I kiss the top of her head.

Time. She believes time is all she needs and everything will just fade away. She’s living in denial, and I don’t know how to get through to her. I have tried so many times in my own way, but she avoids the conversations every time. I just need her to be okay, and she is so far from it. She’s just deteriorating into a shadow of what she used to be. My heart has never ached as much as it does for her.

“You don’t have to stay here,” she mumbles against my chest, and she’s crazy if she thinks I’m leaving her here alone after what I just saw.

“I’m not leaving you.”

It takes a while, but eventually she falls into a fit of restless sleep. I check the time on my phone and see that it’s nearing seven o’clock. I hate to wake her, but I do anyway.

“Candace,” I whisper, not wanting to startle her out of her sleep. “Candace, wake up.”

“Mmm,” she moans in response.

“It’s almost seven. Why don’t you go ahead and take your pill for the night since you’re so tired.”

She nudges her head against me before lifting it up to look at me.

“Where are they?” I ask.

“In the bathroom in the second drawer.”

I slide out from underneath her and grab a pill from the bottle. When I walk back to her, I hand her the half bottle of water already on her nightstand along with the pill.

She sits up on the edge of the bed and when she sets the water down, she looks up at me and says, “I’m sorry.”

I sit next to her and hold her hand. “Never be sorry for needing me.” I lean in and give her a kiss. “I will always be here for you.”

I stayed with Candace all night last night. We barely got any sleep ‘cause she kept having night terrors. Although I’m tired, I’m going to go hang out at Blur while Mark’s band plays tonight. He already left to go meet the guys to run through some new songs they’ll be playing tonight, so I text Ryan to let him know I’m on my way there.

Ryan and I have been hanging out a bit more lately. He’s a cool guy to chill with, so he stops by every now and then to have a beer and watch TV. And whatever funk he was in when I first met him seems to have dissipated a bit and he has become a little less intense and moody.

I pull around to the back lot of Blur and park my car. When I go in, I head up to Ryan’s office to hang out for a bit.

When I walk in, he is sitting behind his desk drinking a beer and flipping through a pile of papers.

“Hey, man,” I say before walking over to the small steel fridge that sits on the floor behind his desk.

As I grab a beer, he says, “Can you toss me another one of those?”

I pop the caps and hand him a bottle before I sit down. “So, you been up here all day?”

“Pretty much. You know how Saturdays are—crazy as hell all day.” He takes a long swig of his beer and then says, “Missed you last night. Mark said you got hung-up with a friend.”

“Yeah, sorry about that. She’s been going through a rough time, so I decided to stay with her last night.” I was supposed to go out to a private concert to hear one of the bands that Gavin had just signed. I told Mark to go ahead and go when I decided to stay the night with Candace.

“You missed a pretty good show.”

“That’s what Mark said.”

Ryan laughs and says, “Your guy’s a little crazy when he drinks.”

“I’m not even gonna ask, but he was in a piss-ass mood when I saw him earlier,” I say through my laughter as I shake my head.

“Ha! I bet. He drank a shitload, probably hungover as fuck.”

We both laugh when the door opens and Mark walks through. “What’s so funny?” he asks as he stands there.

“You, man,” Ryan says.

“If this is about last night, I don’t even wanna know what the hell I did. My head has been pounding all damn day, and now I have to play for the next two hours.”

“Go find Max. He always has earplugs,” Ryan tells him.

“Not a bad idea.” Looking at me, he asks, “Can I stay with you tonight? My new roommate just decided to tell me that he’s throwing a party tonight.”

“Yeah, no problem.”

“Well, I gotta run. I just wanted to catch you,” he says and then turns to leave.

Mark has been keeping more distance between us when we are out, knowing that it still makes me uncomfortable. I hate that he feels like he has to do that for me. I know I need to get over it and try to force myself to show more affection with him when we are around others. I just need to push myself to take that step. But now I need to be honest and tell him about Preston. I never even felt like it was something I ever had to disclose to him, but now, knowing that they know each other, makes what happened relevant.

When Ryan and I walk down, I head over to the bar to say hi to Mel. We talk off and on, like we usually do, while I sip my beer.

“What’s up with Mark?” she asks as she nods her head towards the stage.

Turning to look at him, I laugh at the crap mood you can tell he’s in and the neon orange earplugs he’s wearing. I look back at Mel, and say, “He’s hungover.”

“That sucks.”

I look over to see Ryan being mauled by some redhead. He normally pushes off every girl that comes his way, so I’m a bit shocked, and just laugh as I turn back to Mel.

“Looks like he’s back to his old self,” she says with a smirk before walking away to help some customers.

After some time has passed, I watch Ryan take that chick out the back by her hand.

“Hey, Mel,” I holler down the bar. When she looks up at me, I say, “You think I could get a bottle of water when you get a chance?”

“Sure, hun.”

I overhear the two girls next to me talking about Mark and how the one girl plans to slip him her number. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this. Girls are all over his junk, and lately it’s been making me feel more possessive of him. Everyone assumes he’s single and straight because I’m so self-conscious of what people will think of me if they saw us simply holding hands.

I continue to eavesdrop as they start downing shots and getting drunk. The band takes a break between sets and Mark approaches me as he lifts up the hem of his shirt to wipe the sweat off his forehead, exposing his abs, which the drunken girls thoroughly enjoy. Sitting next to me, his elbows propped up on the bar, I take a big push and lay my arm up on the bar and hold his hand, lacing my fingers with his. He looks over at me and into my eyes as he smiles. I know this gesture means a lot to him, and all that really matters is that this makes him happy.

Chasten comes over to grab a beer, standing next to us.

“Oh my God!” one of the girls yells out, drunk off her ass, and the three of us look over at her. She’s laughing and shaking her head as she looks at Mark before slurring, “You’re a fag?”

I jerk my hand away from his, and my neck heats from fear and embarrassment.

“You’re fucking wasted and need to watch the shit you say,” Chasten barks at her.

I stand up and start walking away, needing to get out of this situation when I hear her continue, “I would have never guessed he was queer.”

When I look back, I see Mark following me and Chasten grabbing the girl’s elbow, dragging her out. I walk through the back door and out into the parking lot, welcoming the cool mist that’s falling.

“Jase, wait!” Mark shouts from behind me, pleading me to stop, but I don’t want to.

Walking to my car, I say over my shoulder, “I just need space, man.” But I need so much more than space.

“That girl was drunk and a total bitch. Don’t let her upset you.”

When I reach my car, I turn around to him and say, “I’m not upset.” Embarrassed. Ashamed. Humiliated.

Walking up to me, he backs me up against the side of the car. “Well you’re something and you shouldn’t be. I don’t want you to be.”

I hang my head down before looking back up at him. “I’m irritated.” I then admit, “The thing is . . . you get a lot of attention from girls, and I feel invisible when what I really want is for people to know that you’re mine. But I don’t know how to do that.”

“You don’t have to do anything. You know I’m yours. I don’t see anyone else but you.” He reaches down and holds my hand. “People will always say shit, but you need to let it go.”

“I’m trying.”

“I know you are,” he says as he slides his free hand around my waist and kisses me. “Come on. Let’s go,” he says and then walks around to the passenger door.

“What are you doing? You still have another set to play.”

“I’m done. My head is pounding, and I feel like shit.” He opens the door and hops in.

When I slide into the driver’s seat, Mark pulls out his cell. “I’ll text Chasten and have him tell the guys.”

“Are they gonna be pissed?”

Reaching over and grabbing my hand, he says, “I don’t care. I just want to go home and lie down.”

I begin to stir and slowly wake up. When I roll over, Mark isn’t there. I lie there for a bit when I hear soft voices coming from the living room. Walking out, I’m surprised to see Candace in Mark’s arms, crying quietly on the couch. Her head is buried in his chest, so she doesn’t see me, and I don’t say anything. Mark looks at me with a slight shake of his head, so I just sit in the chair and stay quiet.

I hurt for her. Seeing her broken and hopeless tears me up inside. I hate the thought that she was so scared or upset that she had to drive here in the middle of the night. I want to hold her, but I let Mark take care of her.

“Wanna talk about it?” he quietly asks her, and when she lifts her splotchy, tear-stained face, she looks over at me.

I give her a reassuring nod, and she looks back at Mark and whispers, “I’m sorry. I . . . I just didn’t want to be alone, but . . . I guess I just didn’t think you’d be here. I’m not used to Jase having a boyfriend.” She stumbles over her words and closes her eyes when she continues. “I’m just so tired.”

“I know,” Mark says as he brushes her hair behind her ear. He tucks her head under his chin, and she clings to him. Mark and I stare at each other across the dark room as he holds her, and I know I’m in deep with him. I love him so much.

Mark has completely been there for me in the past couple months, giving me strength and a shoulder to lean on. I’ve never had that before. I never knew I needed that until him.

Standing up, I walk over and pull Candace up off the couch, and hug her. When Mark starts heading back to the bedroom, I take her hand and follow. She slides into bed with Mark and I on either side. Facing her, I wipe her cheeks with my thumbs and give her a kiss.

“I’m sorry I barged in.”

“You didn’t. I’d rather you be here with us than alone and scared.”

“I just don’t know how much longer I can do this,” she says. “He’s always there at night, and it’s so hard lying in the dark, waiting to fall asleep. But I never know if he’s gonna be there too—in my dreams.”

Mark curls in around her from behind and tells her, “You need to talk to someone.”

I watch as her face scrunches up and she begins to cry again. Leaning my head against hers, she weeps, “I can’t.”

“You can. I know you’re scared, but you can,” Mark tries to convince her.

I look into Mark’s eyes and see the concern. I know Candace wants to ignore and forget. I don’t push it because she doesn’t need to hear it again. “You’ll get past this. There will be a time when it’ll begin to fade,” I tell her.

“But how long will that take?” she whimpers.

Mark wraps his arm over and around her waist, and wedges it in between Candace and me. “However long it takes, you have us, but Jase is right, it will eventually become easier.”

She closes her eyes and lets the tears seep out onto the pillow as I tighten my hold on her.

Even though I know she’s hurting, even though I know her pain is nearly unbearable, this is one of my most favorite places. Next to being in Mark’s arms, being with the two of them, like this, is a close second.