Текст книги "Freeing"

Автор книги: E. K. Blair

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Текущая страница: 7 (всего у книги 13 страниц)

“Why are you wanting to eat so late?”

“Because today was the first day that Candace went back to work. I just wanted to have something to distract her when she gets home in case it didn’t go so well,” I tell Mark as he walks through the apartment. Candace has been at work all evening, and I have a feeling that what she was hoping for by getting out and going back to work is not what happened. I know she expects everything to go back to the way it was by going back to her normal routines. I tried talking to her about it last night, but she’s determined and completely shut me out.

“When is she supposed to be getting off?” Mark asks, coming into the kitchen and leaning up against the counter as I finish chopping the tomatoes for the bruschetta.

“A little after eleven.”

“Can I help?”

Looking at him, I smile and say, “Yeah, could you turn the heat down on the sauce and stir it?”

I watch him as he walks over to the stove and fiddles with the knob. I laugh to myself because I can see that he isn’t comfortable in the kitchen.

Adding the oil to the tomatoes and onions, I look over at Mark and ask, “Will you go turn up the music?”

“Yeah, sure,” he says, and then comes back to the stove to stir the sauce again. I know he hasn’t a clue what the hell he is supposed to be doing, but I find it sweet that he’s trying to be helpful. I come up behind him and start nipping along his neck. When he turns in my arms, he looks over my shoulder and says, “Hey!”

I turn to see Candace standing in the middle of the living room and the look on her face tells me everything that I feared. She looks upset and starts walking to my bedroom. Leaning my hands against the counter, Mark slides his hand over my shoulder and says, “I’ll go talk to her.”

I want to say something, but it’s taking everything in me to keep myself in check. I hate seeing that look on her face. She tries to be so strong, and I could see that she was fighting hard not to cry.

I nod my head and Mark kisses the center of my neck before heading back to my room, and I try to keep myself busy by finishing up dinner.

They are back there for quite a while, but when they return, Candace is smiling. I walk straight to her and bring her in for a hug before kissing her. “Hey, sweetie. How was work?”

“Weird at first, but it wound up being a busy night, which was good,” she says as she picks out a bottle of wine and starts to open it.

I quickly slice up the baguette and set it on the bar with the bruschetta. Candace and Mark sit and eat while talking. It’s great that they have become friends. It makes me feel more content, knowing that Candace has him to lean on as well as me.

“Hey, didn’t your band have a show last night?” Candace asks Mark.

“Yeah, we played at Blur. It was a great gig; the place was packed.”

“I’ve never been there before.”

Looking over at her, I tease, “Candace, you haven’t been anywhere.” She scrunches her face at me, which causes me to laugh. “You should really hear them play sometime. You’d like their sound.”

There’s a knock at the door, and Mark hops off the barstool to go answer it. I rush to Candace’s side when I see Kimber walk in. Crap. Both Candace and I have been avoiding her calls and texts, and she looks pissed.

“What the hell is going on?” she barks. Fuck, she’s mad. “You two have been avoiding me all week, and I have no clue what I did to piss you guys off!”

“We’re not pissed at you,” I try and convince her. I know she doesn’t believe me, so I try to cover for Candace because I know she’s freaking out by the shock on her face. “Candace just wanted a little time away, that’s all.”

“From me? I’m supposed to be your best friend!” she says, looking at Candace. “Why won’t you talk to me?” she demands.

“I’m sorry,” Candace says, and Mark walks back into the kitchen. Candace looks scared as shit, and I would say just about anything to get Kimber to leave her alone, but when Candace sits on the couch, she starts talking. “Jack and I got into an argument at the party. I was upset, he was drunk, so I called Jase to come pick me up.”

I help her out by adding, “I suggested she stay here in case he showed up at your house. That’s all.”

“So why couldn’t you just call me and tell me?”

“I didn’t want you getting involved. You can sometimes overreact, and I just wanted everything to die down without any drama. It’s no big deal, and I haven’t heard from him. It’s over, so can we just drop it?” Candace says, and when I look down at her hands, I see that she’s shaking.

“Bullshit!” Kimber snaps and starts walking out.

“Kimber, wait. Please don’t be mad at me. I’m coming back home this week. It’s not a big deal, please don’t make it into one.”

She walks up to Candace, and I am back at her side, holding her hand when Kimber says, “You’re the one who made it such a big deal when you decided to avoid me all week. We have always been honest with each other, but if you really want me to believe your story, then fine. I believe you.”

Candace drops back down to the couch when the door slams shut and begins to cry.

“I don’t know what to do.” She looks up at me and pleads, “What do I do?”

Sitting down next to her, she falls into my arms and cries. Mark comes in and sits opposite her and rubs her back, trying to calm her down.

“She’s so mad at me. She’s never been mad at me.”

“Just give her some time,” I tell her. “We’ve both been avoiding her, so you can’t blame her for being upset.”

“It’s all my fault.”

“It’s not your fault, Candace,” Mark assures her, and I listen as he continues. “It’s just the shit situation you were dealt, but it’s not your fault. You can’t blame yourself for this, for any of this.”

She pulls back from me and turns to face Mark.

“What do I do?” she asks him.

Wiping his thumbs across her cheeks, he tells her, “You do whatever you need to do to get through the day. You do what you need to do to protect yourself. That’s all you can do.”

“Even if it hurts her?”

“I don’t think you can do anything else, sweetheart, when you’re trying so hard to just hang on.”

Hearing them talk, hearing his words to her . . . it’s near perfect.

I’m supposed to take her back home tomorrow morning before her classes, but I can’t have her leave with Kimber so mad. “I want you to stay,” I tell her.

She leans back on the couch, Mark and I on either side of her. “I can’t stay.”

“You can. Give Kimber a few days to cool down at least.”

“But I feel like I’m just interfering with you guys.”

Letting out a sigh of irritation, I tell her, “You’re not. I already told you this the other day.”

She turns to look at Mark and eyes him for his input.

“Jase is right. You should give her a little time to calm down.”

You home?

Yeah. AutoCAD is going to be the death of my laptop.

I’ve been trying to get some work done on my project while Candace is in class. It’s her first day back, and I’ve been worried about her all day. My phone chimes again with another text from Mark.

Mind if I stop by?

Never.

Mark and I haven’t spent a whole lot of time together, just being alone, so I shut down my computer and pour a cup of coffee. I don’t have to wait very long before he gets here.

“Hey, what have you been up to?” he says as he walks up to me and gives me a hug.

I pull him in for a quick kiss before I respond. “Just trying to get some work done, but my computer is running slow as shit today.”

Mark seems a bit distracted as he nods and takes a seat on the couch. I walk over and sit next to him when he says, “Can we talk for a second?”

“Yeah, what’s up?”

Shifting to face me he asks, “Have you heard from Candace today?”

“No. She has her two-hour studio today and a lecture. But she should be back soon.”

“You worried?”

“Always,” I say as I kick my feet up on the coffee table and lean back into the couch. I watch Mark, and I can tell he wants to say something, and now I’m not worrying about Candace so much. “What’s up with you?” I ask him and when he looks at me, I can definitely tell he’s nervous.

“Look, I know you love Candace, and I need you to know that I do too. She’s amazing. But I think her staying here is hurting her more than it’s helping.”

I let out a deep breath and look straight forward as he continues. “I think her going back home will help her. She’s so dependent on you right now, and I worry that she’s going to fall into a rut.”

I turn back to him and defend, “She has really bad nights.”

“I know this isn’t easy on you. I get it. And I know you want her here, but I think her standing on her own will maybe force her to deal with this more.”

What he’s saying makes sense. Of course I want her here. All I want to do is protect her. Looking down at the cup of coffee, I nod my head, and Mark takes it from my hands and sets it on the table.

“You two are so close, and I understand why, but I think her going back home might be the best thing you can do for her.” He takes my hand in his and says, “You can’t keep her here forever, you know?”

But I want to.

Mark and I both turn around when the door opens and we see Candace walking in. She quickly glances our way while walking straight to the bathroom. I look at Mark and sigh when I hear her turn on the shower.

“You know her better than I do. I just wanted to be honest with you and tell you my thoughts.” Mark looks down and shakes his head before looking back up. “I’m sorry if I—”

Cutting him off, I tell him, “Don’t be sorry. It’s fine. And maybe you’re right. I just feel helpless, and I don’t know what else to do.”

He lies back next to me and we just sit there. Mark is right; I can’t hide her away forever. She has to be able to deal with this on her own, but I hate the thought of not being there for her because I know that right now, she’s crying in the shower. I could see it all over her face when she walked through the door. Guilt is a bitch, and it’s consuming me as I sit here with Mark.

I look over at him with defeat written all over my face. He reaches out and runs his hand down my neck before I just can’t take it anymore. I hop off the couch and walk into the bathroom.

Sure enough, she’s sitting in the corner of the shower with her head in her hands. I open the door and shut off the water, handing her a towel. When she looks up at me with bloodshot eyes, I reach for her hand and help her up. Wrapping the towel around her, we walk into my bedroom.

“Talk to me, sweetie.”

She heads over to the closet and tells me, “Give me a second and I’ll come out, okay?”

“Okay.”

When I return to Mark, he stands up and places his hands on either side of my face. “She will be okay,” he tries to assure me, and all I can do is nod.

When she comes out into the living room she scrunches in between the two of us.

“What happened?” I ask as I lace my fingers with hers.

“Nothing happened. I just . . . I didn’t think I’d be so scared.”

“Scared of what?”

She looks at me with tears rimming her eyes and says, “Of him.”

When I shake my head, she continues, “What if I see him? I was so paranoid all day. I kept thinking I would turn a corner and he would be there. It was awful.”

“Have you ever seen him on campus before?” Mark questions, and she shakes her head. “Do you want me to try and meet you when your classes get out so you don’t have to walk across campus alone?”

I snap my head to look at Mark when he says this. I can’t believe how genuine this guy is. Even though I don’t want Candace to leave, I know that Mark’s heart is in the right place with what he said to me. He’s probably seeing things more clearly than I am. But before I can even mention anything, she says, “I’ll be fine. I just need to keep going about my days like I used to.” Looking up at me, she asks, “Can you come home with me on Wednesday. I don’t want to go alone in case Kimber is there.”

“What?”

“I need to go back home. I just want you to come with me.”

I’m caught off guard when she says this, and when I look across at Mark, he gives me an encouraging nod.

“Yeah, of course. But—”

“Jase. I’ll be fine.”

I don’t believe her lie for one second, but I don’t say anything because I know she doesn’t want me to. Nothing about this feels good to me.

I grab Candace’s bags and follow her down to the parking garage. I hate that she’s going home. I hate this feeling in the pit of my stomach. I just hate this whole situation. She tried convincing me that she would be okay when we woke up this morning. She finally got her sleeping pills and the past two nights she’s been getting more rest. She still wakes throughout the night, but she hasn’t had a nightmare. I still worry though; I can’t help it.

“I’ll follow you,” I tell her as I toss her bags in her trunk.

“Okay.”

When we drive up to her house, Kimber’s car is gone. Candace has been uneasy about seeing her again, and I don’t blame her.

When I get out of my car, I get her bags and carry them in for her.

“Are you sure everything is all right?” I ask as I start helping her unpack.

“Yeah, Jase. I can’t stay with you forever, and you and Mark don’t need me around all of the time.”

It upsets me that she feels this way, but I can also tell that Mark has been feeling the same thing as well. We barely get to spend any alone time together and I know it bothers him, but he would never come out and say anything. He’s too nice.

I watch Candace, and I know she’s upset. The thought of her sleeping alone tonight bothers me, but Mark is right, this is probably the best thing for her, so I need to put my feelings aside and just let her be.

“What time do you get off work tonight? Do you want me to meet you afterward?” I ask.

“I close tonight, so I’ll leave around eleven, but you don’t have to meet me there. I’m working with Roxy, so I won’t be alone.”

She grabs her laundry basket and starts heading toward the laundry room as I follow. When we walk into the living room, I pick up my backpack and Candace walks me to the door.

“Thank you,” she says, and I turn to face her.

“For what?”

“Everything.” When her brows pinch together, I know she is trying not to cry.

“Sweetie, I feel like I haven’t done nearly enough.”

I know she doesn’t like to talk when she gets like this, so she shakes her head and the tears spill over. I pull her into me and brace my arms tightly around her, combing my fingers through her hair until she settles down.

“You keep the key to my place, okay? Come over anytime you need, even if it’s the middle of the night.”

Nodding her head, she finally speaks. “I love you.”

“I love you too. Text me tonight when you get home.”

“Okay,” she says, and I give her a kiss before turning to walk to my car.

I told Mark I would come over to his place after I dropped Candace off, so I start driving that way. I take this time to relieve myself of everything I have been keeping bottled up this past week. The tears come effortlessly. The pain that I feel for Candace is unreal. I want to turn my car around and go pick her up. I feel guilty that I’m going to spend my day with Mark and not her.

Turning into his driveway, I wipe the tears with the back of my hand before getting out of the car. I know I look like shit, and I know Mark will be able to tell how upset I am, but for once, I don’t let it bother me. The way he has been there for me and for Candace this past week has revealed a side of him that I find myself falling for.

As I walk to his front door, I know I am walking towards a person who has proven to be dependable for me. So when I knock and he answers, I don’t hide my pain. It’s written all over me.

He wraps his arms around me, and I finally let my walls down and cry. He pulls me inside, and I grab onto him as I let out everything I’ve been keeping in. Mark doesn’t say a word; he just holds me tight and allows me to accept the comfort that only he can give me. I can’t do this with Candace because I need to be her anchor, but I’ve finally found a person that I can do this with. I’m finally allowing myself to be open enough to have this release, and to have it with Mark is more than what I deserve.

Shifting back from me, he braces his hands on the sides of my face and looks into my eyes. I don’t hide from him. I don’t want to. He leans in and presses his lips onto mine. This kiss is different. I feel like I need it. Like I couldn’t breathe without it. So I don’t move as we linger in this moment for a little longer.

We finally drag our lips from each other, and I rest my forehead against his as I take in a deep breath. Mark holds my hand and walks me over to the couch to sit down. Leaning back in his arms, I say, “Sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

“I just don’t know what to do,” I admit.

“You’re doing everything you can do, babe. Was she okay when you left?”

“She was crying. I hate seeing her like that. She never used to cry. Ever. And now, it’s all she seems to do.”

Mark tightens his grip around me, and when he does, I feel a need for closeness consume me, so I decide to talk for a while. “She’s just broken, and I don’t know how to fix her. And now I feel guilty that I’m here with you and not there with her. But at the same time, I feel like an ass because I want to be here with you . . . alone. I know you want to have time with me, and I want to give you that, but I’m torn in a way, and no matter what, I feel guilty.”

“Jase, you’re not doing anything wrong, and neither Candace nor I feel that you are. That’s only in your head.” He takes a moment before he continues. “And yes, of course I want time alone with you. But I need you to want that too. Same page, right?”

“I do want that but not with the guilt.”

He shifts so that he is looking at me when he says, “Knowing that you want it, guilt or not, is all I need. I hate that you feel guilty, but I know it’s only because you love so much. I promise you, you’re not doing anything wrong, so you shouldn’t hold your choices against yourself.”

When I see the sincerity in his eyes, I try to convince myself of his words. I sit up and lean my elbows on my knees, and when I feel the touch of Mark’s hand on my back, I drop my head and blink out the tears that have been rimming my eyes. Thoughts of Jack start to pierce into my thoughts, and I grow angry as I think about how much this has changed her. When I think about what that piece of shit did to her, I feel my blood heat in my veins. Resting my head in my hands, I seethe, “I want to kill him.”

“Who?”

“Jack. The asshole that did this to her.” I stand up, not able to sit still with the bitter fury that is starting to overtake me.

As I pace back and forth, Mark scoots to the edge of the couch and says, “I know you do.”

My gut roils with anxiety and rage. Raking my hand through my hair, I turn to Mark and tell him, “She begged me to not do anything, but I have to. Fuck!”

“You are doing something. You’re giving her what she needs from you.” He says this so calmly, but I feel myself starting to lose it.

“It’s not enough when that son of a bitch isn’t paying for this shit!” I spit out and take my car keys out of my pocket. “Fuck it!” I rush to the door, but Mark lurches over the back of the couch and is there before me. “Get the fuck outta my way, man.”

“You need to calm your shit down,” he says in an even, stern tone.

Reaching out to force him to move, he takes one quick step to the side, banding his arms around my sternum and pinning my arms to my sides.

“Get the fuck off me!” I bend my arms and try thrashing my elbows into him, but I can’t get any movement.

“Not until you calm down.”

Adrenaline is pumping through me, but his hold is too strong for me to break. “You didn’t fuckin’ see her, Mark! You didn’t see what that fucker did to her!”

“I saw enough, man! I get it.”

“He fuckin’ destroyed her!” This time, when I jerk my body, I break his hold on me.

When I get to the door, he yells, “You’re the only one she trusts!” His words stop me from turning the knob. “If you leave, you’ll fuck that up for her.”

Everything tunnels, and all I can see is her on the bottom of my shower. My heart is heavy, and it beats hard against my chest. I feel so goddamn worthless. I don’t move as I speak into the door, breathless. “She’s never going to do anything about this. She’s just gonna pretend it never happened, and he’s never pay for what he did.” I choke back a breath as tears fall down my face and then turn to look at him. “So tell me . . . what the hell do I do?” I beg and when he steps to me, I drop my head into the curve of his neck and break.

Mark wraps himself around me and doesn’t loosen his grip. I feel myself start to calm down and try and force myself to relax. “I feel worthless knowing who did this and where to find him but not doing anything.”

“I know you do, but you have to get your head around reality.” When he says this, I pull back and look at him dead on. He wipes my cheeks with his knuckles and says, “Reality is, if you beat the shit out of him, then what? You break your promise to Candace and wind up hurting her more.”

“So I just do nothing and let him get away with this?” I ask, not sure if I can do that.

“If that’s what she wants, then, yes. But that’s her cross to bear, not yours.” When I drop my head, he tells me, “You have to stop beating yourself up. You aren’t doing anything wrong, Jase.”

I let out a deep sigh, feeling defeat wash over me. “She’s all I’ve had for a long time.”

“I know.”

“I can’t lose her.”

“I know, but you can only do so much.”

“But I feel like I’m not doing enough.”

“You don’t even have to do anything . . . it’s enough because you’re enough.”

His words hit deep. I suddenly think back to how I hurt him. How could I be so scared of someone that’s so sweet? I take his hand in mine and offer another apology for my actions. “I’m so sorry that I hurt you before.”

Giving me a hint of a smile, he says, “It’s done with.”

“It doesn’t make it right.”

“I know, but I also understand why you did it, and I hate that you ever felt that way.” Tugging on my hand, he says, “Come on. You look exhausted, and I have no intentions of going to class today.”

He leads me to his room, and we kick off our shoes before lying down in bed. Mark pulls the covers over us, and I draw him in close to me, grazing my jaw along his neck. I’ve never lost my cool like that in front of anyone, but having him see me so stripped makes me feel a new level of closeness with him.

“I have an idea,” he mumbles close to my ear.

“What’s that?”

“Why don’t we have a night in with Candace? Try and take her mind off of everything. Just have fun.”

Tilting my chin up, I kiss him. I wrap my hand around the back of his neck and grip tight.

“So that’s a yes?” he laughs when I pull back.

“Thanks,” I whisper against his skin, and he presses his lips to mine as I breathe, “No one has ever given me what you do.”

He runs his hand down my cheek and looks me in the eyes when he tells me, “I want to give you everything.” Those words are the only affirmation I need to know how he feels about me—about us—and I feel it too.

Mark and I spent most of the day in bed together. We really needed this time, so we took it. Having him like this . . . it feels right. For once, it finally feels right. In the midst of this chaos that surrounds me, he has a way about him that brings me back to solid ground. I know I need him. I need him in a way I haven’t needed anyone in the past.

We go back to my place after running out for a quick dinner. I told Mark that I gave Candace a key to my apartment, and that I wanted to be there in case she came over in the middle of the night. He agreed that was probably the best thing to do.

Both of us get ready for bed, and I’m happy that we don’t have to be apart, especially after today. A big piece of me needs him close right now. I lie down and Mark slides in behind me, wrapping his body around mine. I reach for my phone when it chimes. “It’s Candace,” I say as I open the text to read. She texted me when we were at dinner to let me know she had gotten off work and was heading home.

Goodnight. I miss u.

I hold the phone out so that Mark can read what she sent and what I type back to her.

Miss u too. Did u see Kimber?

Yeah. Didn’t really say much. It’s awkward.

I’m sorry, sweetie. Hopefully it will get better and things will get less weird for you guys.

Maybe. Is Mark with you?

Yeah.

Tell him I said HI. Love you guys.

We love you too.

I set the phone down next to my pillow, and Mark nestles his head in the crook of my neck, giving it a couple pecks before asking, “Are you okay?”

I shake my head no.

“Talk to me?”

“It doesn’t feel right,” I say as I roll over in his arms and face him. “Neither one of us wants to be alone, but I’m here with you, and she’s all by herself.”

His eyebrows knit together, and he lets out a sigh. He doesn’t say anything, but really, what can he say? He just kisses me and holds me, and for some reason, it’s enough.

The heat from the sun feels good on my face. The mixture of sand and salt on my skin and in the air I breathe is comforting, and I need it so badly—the comfort. How did I get here? How did life get so fucked up? I stare out at the sun as its first drop of fire hits the water and soaks it up.

“This is my favorite part, you know? Fire and water.”

“Yeah,” I whisper.

“The way they melt together flawlessly. You wouldn’t think that two things that should never unite would be so perfect for each other, but they are. It’s beautiful.”

Her voice echoes in my head as I see the reflection of fire scatter across the choppy water. She’s right. It’s beautiful.

“I miss you.” The words hurt coming out of me. My throat constricts in pain, and my voice trembles. But I have to say it.

“I’ve never left you.”

“I’ve needed you so many times, but you’re never there,” I choke out around the tears that run down my face.

“I’m here, Jase.”

Peeling my eyes away from the blue ocean, I meet gold. She still looks the same. Eighteen years old and soft golden eyes. I age, and she remains. You would think she would be cold, but when I reach over and take her hand in mine, she’s so warm. She’s gorgeous but painful to look at.

She smiles—happy and peaceful.

“I’m so alone, Jace.”

As she shifts to face me, she says, “No, you’re not.”

I don’t respond. I simply stare at her, etching every detail into my memory because I know this won’t last. It can’t. Life is just cruel like that.

“She’s going to be okay.”

Denying her words, I say, “I don’t think so. She’s so lost.”

“You’re her home. You can’t be lost if you’re home,” she assures me.

“But you’re my home. So where does that leave me?”

She shakes her head slightly when she questions, “What about Mark? What is he to you?”

“I don’t really know. God, Jace, I’ve done horrible things,” I confess as I continue to cry. “Mom and Dad won’t even talk to me.”

“You couldn’t keep lying to them though. And Mark loves you. You can’t be afraid for the world to see you.”

“I’m afraid they won’t understand.”

“Maybe they won’t, but the Jase I know wouldn’t care what others think. You’re gay . . . so what?”

Her words make me laugh, and I’ve needed to hear them for so long.

“You’re so much stronger than this. Don’t let life stand in the way of what you want—what you deserve.” She grips my shoulders under her hands and tells me, “Life isn’t gonna be here forever. It passes by quickly and the time is lost, so don’t waste it.” When she lets go of me, she turns to stare out at the water. “Jase, you have everything that was stolen from me. I lost it all and you’re wasting it. And for what? Because you’re scared?”

Taking her words, I admit, “I think I might love him.” I meet her eyes and continue, “I know I hardly know him, but I think I could really love him.”

Her smile is perfect and everything I need to see right now. We turn our attention back to watch the last of the sun before it’s completely submerged in the water. A union that should never be but always is. Day after day. A cycle that never ends.

I’m content. In this moment, I’m happy. I feel like I have everything until I look to my side and find myself staring down an endless path of sand.

My eyes flood, and I let them fall shut.

When I open my eyes again, I stare out the rain-covered window in my room. Even though Mark’s arms are wrapped around me, I want to leave him and go back. Just like that—she’s gone, and I am here, under the gray-covered sky, far from our beach.

Sitting up, I turn and shift to the edge of the bed and lower my head in my hands. I replay her words; I try not to lose the sound of her voice, but my focus is interrupted when I hear, “Are you okay?”

I hate that dreams have to end, but they do, and reality ensues.

I turn and fall back down on the bed. Mark doesn’t say anything else, he just watches me as I lie here. My chest hurts. It aches. I’m sure the pain is written on my face. Rolling on my side, towards Mark, I tell him, “I miss her.”

“Who?”

“My sister.”

He reaches over and pulls me close to him. I can see the question in his eyes, and I know he doesn’t know what to say, so I fill in the blanks for him. “She was in my dream.” I pause before revealing, “I know it isn’t real, but it feels like it is.”

“I don’t know what to say,” he admits, but I move past his words and continue.

“She knew everything; I didn’t even have to tell her.” I watch as Mark’s eyes begin to rim with tears that he never allows to fall. I’m pretty sure I know what he’s thinking: You’re crazy. Of course she knows everything; she’s just a figment of your imagination. It’s all in your head. I know that’s logic, but I choose not to believe it.

I lie there in his arms as I allow my mind to drift back to the beach, not wanting to lose her just yet. Pretending that the warmth of Mark’s body is the warmth of the sun. I know it’s desperate, but I do it anyway.