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When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops
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Текст книги "When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops"


Автор книги: Джордж Карлин


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May 6: Here is further news on that North Side dismemberment. Police

have now found a set of blond sideburns, a lower lip, two matching buttocks, a middle finger, a knee and two and a half grams of armpit hair. As yet they have no identification, but sources say they’re glad that at least it’s still only one person they appear to be finding.

May 12: More on the dismemberment story: The police theory that they were dealing with only one body was shattered today when they discovered forty-four male nipples in a vending machine. Twenty-six of the nipples have hair, eighteen do not. One of them has a nipple ring inscribed LONNIE AND MARIE. They have also come across a belly button, a calf and several hundred warts, all found in a Hooters parking lot. Lint from the belly button leads police to believe the navel’s owner was wearing a plaid shirt. The investigation continues.

May 23: Here is the latest from the North Side: Police are now puzzled as to just how many bodies are involved. Today they found an Adam’s apple, a hunchback, six heels, a pair of un-matching nostrils, a large bag of freckles, two dozen additional belly buttons, a blond goatee, half a neck, and a suitcase full of knuckles. They say all the knuckles have recently been cracked. Cannibalism may be involved, as police have found a rib cage that shows traces of barbecue sauce. More later.

LETTER TO A FRIEND

Dear Manny,

It was great to see you at the hospital last Sunday. You looked good and sounded very positive about yourself. Each time I visit, I can see how

much you’ve improved, I will say, though, it was a lot more fun when you were really fucked up and couldn’t remember anything.

Sincerely, Arlo

KrellingfonTs Restaurant: Cooking Tips

Here are todays cooking tips from Krellingford’s Family Restaurant: Hamburger meat that has become slightly hardened by sitting at room temperature for more than nine days can be perked up by soaking it in a mixture of gasoline and varnish remover. Soak the meat overnight and leave it in the sun for several days. Be sure to add a lot of extra-hot spices to offset the gasoline taste. Then try to put the meat to use immediately. By the way, food prepared this way should never be cooked over an open flame.

Here’s another valuable cooking tip: You can prepare a delicious stew with just a volleyball, an old fatigue hat and six gallons of bathwater. Put the ingredients in a big pot and cook for thirty-six hours, or until the volleyball is tender. Serves twelve. Excellent with broccoli or corn. Try it over the holidays when the people you serve it to are people you don’t see too often.

That’s it, folks. Remember, these cooking tips are brought to you by Krellingford’s, the home of the Ham and Cheese Caramel Corn Flake Surprise. Why not drop by and take a chance? No one lives forever.

UNCLE D’ARTAGNAN

Uncle d’Artagnan was known as a fancy dan, because he circumcised himself with pinking shears. His wife, Velveeta, the only woman ever to go down on

Newt Gingrich, claimed that to the very end, d’Artagnan wore a golden tassel on his penis. He once told me that as a young man he caught the clap from one of the Doublemint twins and gave it to the other on the same night. He was a lot of fun. He could make his cat shit by pointing the TV remote at it and pressing the VOLUME button. His hobby was falling to the floor in hotel lobbies and pretending to have a stroke. Eventually, he was beaten to death with a cello by a classical musician he befriended at a juice bar.

UNCLE TONTO

Uncle Tonto had a tough life; intercourse with a pelican is not an easy thing to live down. He drank excessively. One time he was so hungover he had to consult a cottage cheese carton to determine the approximate date. At parties, he was the designated drinker, his preference being creme de menthe, Sterno and goat droppings. When stopped and tested by police, he usually set the Breathalyzer on fire. Refusing to drive when he was sober, in the mornings he rode to work on an electric floor buffer, claiming the one drawback was the time he wasted traveling from side to side. He was sentenced to ten years for defecating in a cathedral, but was released immediately when the warden felt Tonto was lowering the prisons standards. After his release, he hitchhiked through Pennsylvania where he was beaten to death by a buggyload of Quakers.

UNCLE JUDAS

Uncle Judas, a man smaller than life, never had a heyday. He peaked in third grade. Not only did opportunity fail to knock, it had deliberately thrown away

his address. His existence was so boring he once proudly showed me his neighbor’s parking space. In an effort to improve his life, he decided to sell his soul; unfortunately, he sold it on eBay and was never paid. He didn’t accomplish much; his autobiography was entitled Whaddya Want from Me? One thing he did take pride in: He was one of the few men who, at the age of eighty-five, could still remember the names of all his dentists. He died on the feast of St. Dismas, after mistakenly eating a bag of after-dinner mints before lunch.

UNCLE MONTEZUMA

Uncle Montezuma wasn’t too bright; he thought Irving Berlin was the Jewish section of Germany. As a young man he wanted to be a gynecologist, but claimed he couldn’t find an opening. He was proud of the fact that while serving a prison term for sodomizing a prairie dog, he learned to drink beer through his nose. For years, he managed a gay car wash but lost all his money investing in a roadside sausage museum. His last job was managing a Playboy club in Auschwitz. When he retired, he wasn’t given a gold watch, but his former boss would call him once a week and tell him what time it was. Finally, after marrying a woman who had repeatedly blown Strom Thurmond during a military funeral, he died from eating a batch of carelessly made hollandaise sauce.

EUPHEMISMS: Hotel Lingo

There is no part of American life that hasn’t been soiled by the new, softer, artificial language. It’s everywhere. When you travel, you notice it in the hotel business,

or as they prefer to think of themselves now, the hospitality industry. And by the way, hotels are one more place where you will run into job-title inflation.

There was a time in a hotel when you checked in with the desk clerk; now he’s the front-desk agent. But when he answers the phone he becomes guest services. I guess it’s only fair, everyone else in the hotel has been upgraded. The bellhop has somehow become a luggage assistant, and he claims to work in luggage services. The maids have been upgraded several times over the years: cleaning woman, maid, housekeeper’, now they’re room attendants.

And on the subject of rooms, depending on where you’re staying, room service is likely to be called in-room dining. Or private dining. One brochure I read called it your private dining experience. Pretentiousness. Never underestimate the role pretension plays when it comes to creating euphemistic language. Here’s another example of it:

At one hotel where I stayed, the restaurant was temporarily located on the lower level. I was told the reason was that they were undergoing restaurant enhancement. Okay? The concierge actually uttered that phrase. Not remodeling restaurant enhancement. And he said it as if it were something people say all the time.

By the way, I shouldn’t have to remind you that that lower level he. referred to was once called the basement. I guess I don’t really mind the phrase lower level; at least it’s descriptive, although it is the comparative form and not an absolute. Lower than what? It also bothers me when they tell me the gym is located on level three. Level three is just plain old pretentiousness.

And I wish hotels would make up their minds on what to call the gym. It’s been everything: gym, fitness center, exercise room, health club. Spa. God! Spa-aa-ah! Used to be you had to go to Europe to find a spa. Now any place that has a sink and more than three towels is a fucking spa!

One more thing about hotels. A lot of them have replaced the DO NOT D1S

TURB signs with signs that say PRIVACY, PLEASE. It seems like a small thing, but there’s a difference that’s worth noting:

Do not disturb is assertive; it’s strong. Do not disturb! It means GO AWAY! But privacy, please is weak; it sounds as if you’re pleading with people: “Privacy .. . please?” Softness. To my mind, it’s one more example of the feminization of language that has taken place in this country. And, more important, it represents a retreat from reality.

PUT IT OUT, FUCKO!

Here’s another example of the same problem:

THANK YOU FOR NOT SMOKING. Now, speaking strictly for myself, I find nothing wrong with the phrase no smoking. It’s simple, it’s direct, it’s firm. No smoking! Any questions? Fine.

But thank you for not smoking. First of all, it’s weak. And second, for God’s sake, why are you thanking them? It’s as if you think they’re doing you a favor by not giving you emphysema.

Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different. In fact, I might even go too far in the opposite direction. My sign would say something like, “Smoke if you wish. But if you do, be prepared for the following series of events: First, we will confiscate your cigarette and extinguish it somewhere on the surface of your skin. We will then run your nicotine-stained fingers through a paper shredder and throw them into the street, where wild dogs will swallow and then regurgitate them into the sewers, so that infected rats can further soil them before they’re flushed out to sea with the rest of the city’s filth. After such time, we will systematically seek out your friends and loved ones and destroy their lives.”

Wouldn’t you like to see a sign like that? I’ll bet a lot of smokers would

think twice about lighting up near a sign like that. You have to be direct. Thank you for not smoking is simply embarrassing.

Personally, I think all of this upgraded, feel-good language is a further sign of America’s increasing uncertainty about itself.

GIMME A BURGER

Have you noticed that many restaurants can’t simply say “cheeseburger” on the menu. They have to get cute and over-descriptive? Well, why not go along with them? Why not use the menu’s own language when you place your order? But if you do, you must do it right; no fair reading directly from the menu. Instead, you must memorize the exact description given of the item you’ve chosen, and then look the waiter directly in the eye as you say:

“I’ll have the succulent, fresh-ground, government-inspected, choice, all-beef, eight-ounce, charbroiled sirloin patty, served on your own award-winning, lightly toasted sesame-seed bun, and topped with a generous slice of Wisconsin’s finest golden cheddar cheese, made from pure, grade A, premium milk recently extracted from a big, fat, smelly cow infected with flesh-eating bacteria.” See if that doesn’t get you good service.

But before the waiter leaves your table, ask for a glass of water. Say, “Would you mind bringing me a clear, cylindrical, machine-crafted, moderate-capacity, drinking vessel filled with nature’s own colorless, odorless, extra-wet, liquid water?” Pisses them off.

ROLL ‘EM

I’m never critical or judgmental about whether or not a movie is any good. The way I look at it, if several hundred people got together every day for a year or soa number of them willing to put on heavy makeup, wear clothes that weren’t their own and pretend to be people other than themselvesand their whole purpose for doing all this was to entertain me, then I’m not gonna start worrying about whether or not they did a good job. The effort alone was enough to make me happy.

NOTHING CHANGES

Dear Political Activists,

All your chanting, marching, voting picketing boycotting and letter-writing will not change a thing; you will never right the wrongs of this world. The only thing your activity will accomplish is to make some of you feel better. Such activity makes powerless people feel useful, and provides them the illusion that they ‘re making a difference. But it doesn ‘t work. Nothing changes. The powerful keep the power. That’s why they ‘re called the powerful.

Thti h iimilui in ptuplc’s belief that luuc luu uvctn/trtc evet ylhing,

that it has some special power. It doesn’t. Except one on one. One on one, love is incredibly powerful. It is a beautiful thing. But if love had any power to change the world, it would have prevailed by now. Love can’t change the world. It’s nice. It’s pleasant. It’s better than hate. But it has no special power over things. It just feels good. Love yourself, find another person to love and feelgood.

Love, George

Remember, drinking and driving don’t mix. Safety experts suggest you do your drinking first and get it out of the way. Then go driving.

When your toilet won’t stop running, and you put your hand in the tank to fix the chain, don’t you wonder, briefly, whether or not the water in the tank has already been in the toilet bowl?

If you can’t say something nice about a person, go ahead.

I’m not taking sides here, but in listening to a discussion about the Middle East on C-SPAN the other night, I realized I would rather tongue-kiss Yasir Arafat than ass-fuck Ariel Sharon. It’s got nothing to do with politics, it’s just a feeling I had.

“Is Bruno a sadist?” “Beats me.”

They say that rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. They don’t mention anything about cursing a lack of candles.

Beethoven was a pupil of Haydn, and Schubert lived near the two of them. Supposedly they all frequented the same little cafes. I wonder if they ever got together and gang-banged a lady piano player. Just a thought.

If you’re a criminal, the best way to be is ‘”at large.”

We have classifications called “legally blind” and “legally dead.” What about ‘legally tired”? I think a guy should be able to declare himself legally tired, so he could get out of doing things he didn’t want to do.

If I ever have a stroke, I hope it will be early in the morning, so I don’t take my vitamins that day for no reason.

The American Eye Association reminds you that sties are caused by watching young girls get undressed.

You know what kind of guy you nf ver see anymore? A fop.

I typed the word Google into Google. Guess what came up? Everything.

TRUE FACT: The Professional Bowlers Association sanctions a tournament called the Odor Eaters Open. It’s probably because of all those rented shoes.

I wonder how many cvcniudl homicides have iciultcd from wedding ceremonies performed at the Happy Wedding-Bell Chapel in Las Vegas.

I’ll never forget Spondo. Spondo wasn’t able to sit around and talk about the good times, because in the sixty years he lived he’d had only one good time. And he would never tell anyone what it was, because he was afraid that if he talked about it, it wouldn’t seem as good anymore.

I notice Connie Chung has faded away again.

Personal ad: “Hello, I am Henri. I am fifty-five years old, and I am looking for someone who will leave me alone. Please respond. And then leave me alone.”

Christians must be sick in the head. Only someone who hates himself could possibly think of the pleasures of masturbation as self-abuse.

I believe the next trend in cosmetic surgery will be a procedure that leaves the person with a cryptic smile. Occasionally, of course, the surgeon’s hand will slip, and the patient will wind up with a baffled look.

Are you sick of crime? Well, some communities are doing something about it; they’re putting people to death for no reason. Why not start a similar program in your town? Hang a few people in a public area and watch those crime statistics improve. You’ll be amazed.

Ignore these four words.

There are some people who are so nondescript that if their identities were stolen it would be an improvement.

TRUE FACT: It’s against the law to mutilate grave remains. So apparently, it’s not illegal to be in possession of grave remains, the trouble starts when you mutilate them. Nice distinction.

I have an /^personal trainer. We meet at the gym, we don’t talk, he works out alone and I go home.

Here’s how money can buy happiness: Money gives you options, options give you breathing room, breathing room gives you control and control can offer you a measure of happiness. Maybe.

TRUE FACT: You can now buy vibrating panties. They’re a kind of thong with a built-in vibrator. Just what we needed.

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

I can’t help it, I just have this gut feeling that the Mafia is controlled by organized crime. I don’t know what it is, but something fishy is going on.

I wonder if a classical music composer ever intentionally composed a piano piece that was physically impossible to play and then stuck it away in a trunk to be found years after his death, knowing it would forever drive perfectionist musicians crazy.

Why don’t these guys named Allen, Allan, Allyn and Alan get together and decide how the fuck to spell their name? I’m tired of guessing. The same with Sean, Shaun and Shawn. Stop with all these cute attempts to be different. If you wanna be different, call yourself Margaret Mary.

All patriarchal societies are either preparing for war, at war, or recovering from war.

Somebody said to me, “I can’t believe Jerry Garcia is dead.” And I thought, Doesn’t this guy know? Everybody’s dead. It’s all a matter of degree.

I can t wait for the sun to explode; it’s gonna be great. Just three billion years. I’m so fuckin’ impatient.

If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn’t that weird?

Middlebrow bumper sticker in California: IF YOU CAN DREAM IT, YOU CAN DO IT. Yeah, sure. Unless the thing you’re dreaming is impossible. Then, chances are, you can’t do it. But try to enjoy life anyway.

UI collect rocks.” “How many you got?” ‘One. I just started.”

Advice to kids: Get high on sports, not drugs. But if there are no sports in your neighborhood, go ahead and get high on drugs.

If you had yourself cloned, who, exactly, would be your parents? Can you raise yourself? I guess so. And it might be fun. Just think, by the age of six you’d be driving yourself to school.

Regarding creationists: Aren’t these the same people who gave us alchemy and astrology, and who told us the earth, besides being flat, was at the center of the universe? Why don’t we just kill these ruckin’ people?

Idle thought: Do you suppose a perverted priest has ever tried to stick a crucifix up a kid’s ass? Just wondering.

The wrong two Beatles died first.

I wonder if anyone who was working in or near the World Trade Center that day took advantage of all the confusion to simply disappear. What a great way to get away from your family.

Indoor electric illumination is often referred to as “artificial light.” How can it be artificial? The way I look at it is this: If I can read by it, see myself in the mirror and recognize my friends, it’s probably as real as I’m ever going to need it to be.

You know what you never see anymore? A guy with a pencil behind his

ear.

TRUE FACT: One of those clubs that feature nude dancers recently got in trouble with the government because it didn’t have wheelchair ramps.

Here’s something I don’t care about in a movie or a TV show: a blind girl. “This is the story of a blind girl who . . .’ CLICK!’You know what? As far as I’m concerned, there’s nothing they can do with a blind girl . . . well, maybe a couple of things, but there’s nothing they can tell me about a blind girl that’s going to interest me. I don’t care that she’s blind; I don’t care if she learns how to communicate with geese; I don’t care if she can identify three hundred different flowers from their smell. I really don’t care. Does she fuck? Now you’re talkin’!

FART RETRIEVAL LEAGUE

“Hello. I’m Fred Ponsaloney III, president of the Fart Retrieval League. We all know that millions of farts are released by Americans each day, but did you know not all of them are free to rejoin the atmosphere? It’s true. A small but significant number of farts each day are hopelessly trapped in seat cushions, suspended forever in cotton padding or foam rubber. We’re asking you to help rescue these forgotten farts by sending your donations to the Fart Retrieval League. We’ll send you a booklet entitled The Facts on Farts. And next rime you’re in a hotel lobby, do your part: Jump up and down on a seat cushion for several minutes and liberate a few trapped farts.”

AS THE TURD WHIRLS

The Noodleman Twins Television Network proudly presents America’s longest-running daytime drama, As The Turd Whirls, a day-to-day chronicle of ordinary people desperately in need of professional intervention and perhaps even cranial surgery. Take a break in your day as once again we flush the toilet of life, and as blue water fills the bowl, we watch, fascinated. . . .As the Turd Whirls.

(Romantic violin music is heard as a well-built man approaches a beautiful woman in an upscale bar)

VINNY: Hi. You wanna play a game? NADIA: What kind of game? VINNY: It’s called Count the Man’s Balls. NADIA: Die in a fire, bourgeois scum!

VINNY: We really should get together, I’m an interesting guy. I can take a live cock-a-roach and put it up my nose and pretend it’s not there. I also like to do unusual things to small woodland mammals, but not until I pull out all their claws. Otherwise, look out! Lots of screaming from Vinny. I’ll bet you never dated a guy like me. Believe me, I’m worth a try.

NADIA: I wouldn’t go home with you if you had six dicks.

VINNY: Come on. I purposely didn’t jerk off today just so I could take someone home. You wanna compare hard-ons?

NADIA: I’m a woman, trouser-stain! VINNY: So? Lemme see your hard-on.

NADIA: Listen! I can’t take the time to explain anatomy to you. I’ve been waiting all day just to get out of this tight underwear. I’m getting real moist in my groin area. I’d love to take off my clothes and have someone massage me, firmly but gently, all around my crotch. My female organs are warm and pulsating, and I can smell the sexual fluids and secretions flowing out of me and mingling with my sweat.

VINNY: Now you’re talkin’. Let’s go to my house.

NADIA: Okay, but no sex. Understand?

VINNY: Fine by me. But can I at least jerk off? I waited all day.

Join us again tomorrow on As the Turd Whirls, as Trent has to decide whether to blow the mailman in exchange for free stamps.

THE FARMING RACKET

Farmers are on government welfare and you pay for it. Good year, bad year doesn’t matter. They still get money. In a bad yeardrought or floodsthe crop is poor, incomes drop, farmers can’t make their payments and they need financial help; you pay for it. In a good yearfavorable weatherthere’s a bumper crop, prices fall, income drops, farmers can’t make their payments and they need financial help; you pay for it. Either way, farmers win, you lose. Oh well, I guess we should be grateful; at least there’s plenty of tasteless food, all safely sprayed and filled with contaminants. You know, “Bless us, O Lord, and these, thy gifts …”

CELLULAR CHITCHAT

You know what I don’t understand? People on the street having casual conversations on a cell phone. Casual stuff. Walking along, just visiting.

“So how’s Ellen? Good. Tell her I said hello.”

Too casual for me. You know what a cell-phone call oughta sound like?

“Hello, Tony? Listen, my pants are on fire. I’m going’ to the fire house. What? Take my pants off? Good idea. Thanks. Listen, say hello to Ellen, will ya? I gotta go, my bush is catching fire.”

Now that’s a fuckin’ cell-phone call. Not this shit:

“So, what are you doin , Joey, watchin’ TV? Really? I was only guessin’. What’s on? Oh, I saw that. Try another channel. Yeah, go ahead, I’ll wait.”

Try to find a phone plan that provides more than just free minutes. See if any companies are offering free brains.

IS ANYONE THERE?

(Phone rings)

MAN: Hello. Philosophy Department.

CALLER: Is Jack there?

MAN: Well, what do we mean when we say, “Jack”? Is there really such an entity? Or is Jack simply a description? A label. There are coundess people who call themselves Jack. Can they all be doing so accurately? And by the way, where is this “there” you speak of? As I listen to you, I experience your voice as a physical sensation within my head. Certainly Jack isn’t in there. Wherever your entity called Jack is, it’s probably safe to say that that is where he is. At least for the moment.

CALLER: I just would like to speak with Jack.

MAN: I’m sorry, Jack was killed this morning. Or was he? After all, here we are, talking about him. Is he truly gone? One way of looking at it would be

{Click!)

IT’S NO BULLSHIT!

AN ASTOUNDING COLLECTION OF AMAZING STORIES FROM THE SECRET FILES OF BELIEVE IT OR ELSE MAGAZINE. READ THESE ASTONISHING FACTS AND FEEL YOUR FUCKIN’ BRAIN MELT.

The sun does not really give off light. It merely appears to give off light because everything around it is so dark.

The Belzini tribe of South American Indians will eventually be extinct, because they initiate their young by putting them to death at the age of three.

During her entire sixty-four-year reign, Queen Victoria never once went to the bathroom. She said she was holding it in for a more appropriate time. Her words were, “We don’t have to go just now.”

Indianapolis, the capital of Indiana, is actually located in Brazil. It only seems to be in Indiana when viewed on a map.

When the Alexander Farkington family moved from Boston to San Diego, they had to leave their dog, Peckerhead, behind. Miraculously, two weeks later the dog showed up in Key West, Florida. Mistakenly, Peckerhead had taken Interstate 95 south instead of getting on the Massachusetts Turnpike.

Contrary to popular belief, Babe Ruth did not call his famous home-run shot. He was actually giving the finger to a hot-dog vendor who had cheated him out of twelve cents.

Incredibly, there was no Hitler. There is no record of any such person. It’s true, there was a little German man with a small moustache who combed his hair to one side and started World War II. He also killed six million Jews. But he was not Hider. He was, in fact, a shoemaker named Hank Fleck.

A cheetah is actually slower than an armadillo. It only appears to be faster, because the armadillo moves so slowly.

Unbelievably, a goldfish can kill a gorilla. However, it does require a substantial element of surprise.

It’s now possible to travel completely around the world without money or credit cards. You must be prepared, however, to walk and swim extremely long distances.

A forty-two-year-old man from Ballbender, Wyoming, drove a riding lawn mower backward from Vermont to Argentina. The trip put him under such stress that he is now incapable of thought.

The pyramids are not really old. They were built in 1943 as a joke by drunken Italian soldiers on leave in Egypt at the time. All photographs of the area taken before that time have been retouched.

The sky is not blue. It merely looks that way because blue is the name we have given that color.

Two times two is not four. It is nine. Actually, everything is nine except seventeen. Seventeen is actually six.

Placing a two-hundred-pound pile of cooked garlic, dogshit and chocolate chips on the doorstep of your newly purchased home will keep your enemies away. However, it will not prevent your new neighbors from considering you a family that bears watching.

The record for the greatest amount of Jell-O in one location belongs to Lemon Lime, Minnesota, where residents poured twenty thousand boxes of Jell-O into a lake and heated it, just to claim the title. Most of them are happy with the results. However, some local residents, diving in the shallow areas, claim to have hit their heads on small pieces of fruit cocktail.

BELIEVE IT OR ELSE, BUT IT’S NO BULLSHIT!

Buy This and Get One of These: Act Now

Here’s one more thing you don’t need that costs too much and won’t last long. Even if you’ve never had credit before; even if you owe money: even if you re bankrupt; even if you don’t intend to pay; we don’t care. Thousands of customers come back to us year after year, and they all say the same thing: “Please, give us our money back!” Remember, it costs a little more, but it doesn’t work as well. And, it’s loaded with things you can’t pronounce. Special prices for senior citizenstriple. Don’t forget, we’re big enough to give you a good screwing and small enough to smile while we’re doing it.

SMART SHOPPER

Usually, when you go to someone’s house they offer you coffee. They say, “You want some coffee?” I tell them, “No thanks, I have coffee at home. But I could use a little pancake mix.” I try to get things I need. If I don’t need coffee, I’m usually prepared with options:

“Do you have any of those Chef Boyardee SpaghettiOs? The ones with the little hunks of weenie in ‘em? Good, I’ll take a couple of cans of them. Large, if you have em. By any chance, you don t have any Hebrew alphabet soup, do you? No? Okay. I didn’t think so. How do the wax beans look today? I see, the produce didn’t come in yet. Well, I guess you better just give me a couple of rolls of toilet paper and some Glass Wax and I’ll be on my way. I have to get over to Farley’s house and do my drugstore shopping. He’s havin’ a special on gauze pads.” Be a smart shopper. And don’t forget to bring your coupons.

FRUIT-FLAVORED TEAS

I would like to talk to you about fruit-flavored teas. These would be teas that are flavored like fruit. Fruit-flavored teas. You need to understand that. These are not fruits. They’re teas.

But they taste like fruit. All right? They have names like strawberry kiwi, lemon berry, orange mango, wild cherry, blackberry and cranberry. They taste like fruit. And they sound like fruits, too, don’t they? They’re not. They’re teas. Fruit-flavored teas. And frankly, I don’t understand this.

Personally, I’ve always been of a mind that if you’re looking for fruit flavor, if you’re genuinely interested in something that tastes like fruit, and you find yourself in the tea section, you’re probably in the wrong aisle.


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