Текст книги "When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops"

Автор книги: Джордж Карлин

сообщить о нарушении

Текущая страница: 11 (всего у книги 16 страниц)

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

DAD: How was Debbie’s checkup?

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

MOM: The dentist was very pleased. Only six extractions...

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

DAD: Great.

MOM: Plus she needs a jawbone graft and twelve implants. DAD: Must be that new gel toothpaste we’ve been using.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

MOM: Yes! Patented new Choppersheen! Removes unwanted pulp,...

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

DAD: Choppersheen. Now in refreshing mint!

MEMO TO SELF

Here’s a piece of graffiti I saw scrawled in black marking pen on one of those newspaper dispensers you see on New York sidewalks. It said, “Rosie O’Donnell sleeps with her head between a woman’s legs.” I couldn’t help wondering who had written it, and under what circumstances.

I wondered, had someone simply awakened that morning and decided the time had come to share this little tidbit he’d been thinking about for a long time? And had he gone out that day determined to find a good place to write it? And this seemed like the best spot? Was it that simple?

Or was the person just out walking around and had this sudden burst of inspirationsomething he didn’t want to forgetbut didn’t have a piece of paper handy? And why didn’t he take the newspaper dispenser home with him to refer to later?

And I also wondered, if that was it, what kind of person was walking around with one of those thick, felt-tip marking pens in his pocket in the first

place? This wasn’t no Sharpie, folks, this was one of those serious, thick, chisel-tip pens that gets you high if you leave it open too long.

Its thoughts of this sort that seriously limit the size of my circle of friends.

ANSWER THIS, YOU PRICK

(Drum roll)

ANNOUNCER: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, this is your announcer, Dondelayo Prell. Join us now as we play America’s favorite game. Answer This, You Prick! The show where folks just like you, although, perhaps, less attractive, have a chance to win fabulous prizes. And now here’s America’s favorite prick, Anthony Boff.

(Applause, cymbal crash)

BOFF: Hi, folks. I’m your genial host, Anthony Boff. Our jackpot today is one hundred and eleven dollars, plus a trip up north. Let’s meet our first two contestants, Clark Fark and Dolly Drelman. What do you do, Clark?

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

FARK: I pretty much just sit around, Anthony.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

BOFF: Swell. What about you, Dolly?

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

DOLLY: No sitting around for me, Mr. Boff. I stand near the...

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

BOFF: All day? DOLLY: Except for meals. Unless I’m fasting.

BOFF: Well, you sound like interesting people. Let’s get right to our game. Just before airtime, a short backstage shoving match determined that Clark would get the first question. So here it is. Are you ready, Clark?

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

FARK: Ready as a bastard, Mr. Boff.

BOFF: Okay. Remember, the category is “People.” Now then, Clark Fark, as America watches, please . . . answer this, you prick!

(Sound of a clock ticking)

Damon and Sylvia Prongster live in Thighmaster, Maine, on the corner of Watkins and Schermerhorn. Last Tuesday, at six in the evening, a brown Chevrolet drove past their house. What was the name of the last mechanic to change the oil on that car, and what was the name of his grandfather’s first-grade teacher? You have three seconds.

(Music and ticking)

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

FARK: Jason Warburton and Mrs. Amelia Day Higgins.

BOFF: Oh, I’m awfully sorry, Clark. Your answer is incorrect. The correct answer is Dudley Manoosh and Clara Wheatley.

FARK: Well, I just took a wild guess. DOLLY: I knew that answer. BOFF: Not fuckin’ likely, Dolly. FARK: I agree, Mr. Boff. I think she’s full of shit.

BOFF: Clark, I’m awfully sorry you did such a poor job. I see your family in our audience and they look ashamed. But you do win a roll of quarters and the home version of teacher-approved Answer This, You Prick! Play it with your kids. And we’ll add a dollar to our jackpot, bringing our total to one hundred and twelve dollars. It his too late for us to get to Dolly Drelman, but that’s just too bad for her. Don’t forget to join us again in June or May to play Ansiver This, You Prick! when one of our main questions will be “Who was the first person to strangle someone he had known for more than six years?’ Goodnight, everybody.

ANNOUNCER: Guests on Answer This, You Prick! receive a framed picture of Henry Kissinger and stay at the luxurious Hotel for the Malformed in downtown Watsonville. Watsonville: the last place you wanna be.

(Music, applause up and out)

THREE SHORT CONVERSATIONS BLESS ME, FATHER

PENITENT: Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Yesterday, I killed my third priest in a month. The first time it scared me. The second time I had no feelings at all. The third time … I actually began to like it.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

PRIEST: I’m not really a priest, son. I’m just cleaning the...

THANKSGIVING, IN THE KITCHEN

BART: You look great in that dress, Marian. Really sexy. I was thinkin’, if, God forbid, something ever happened to Joe and Estelle, I’d sure like to spend some time with you.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

MARIAN: I feel the same way about you, Ban.

BART: Really? Look, maybe we wouldn’t have to wait for something to happen to Joe and Estelle. Whaddya think?

WALK/DON’T WALK

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

JOEY: I heard Phil Hanley died. What happened?

SID: It’s the strangest thing. He was walkin’ down Fifth Avenue on his way to Times Square. He took a right at Forty-second Street and headed over to Broadway. He was just strollin’ along, mindin’ his own business, when suddenly a big chunk of concrete fell on him and crushed him to death.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

JOEY: Jesus! What a way to go!

SID: I know. I woulda taken a right at Fiftieth Street, gone over to Broadway and then headed down to Times Square.

UNCLE LOCHINVAR

Uncle Lochinvar, although a moral vegetarian who only ate meat if the animal had died in its sleep, once punched out his twin daughters because they wouldn’t lend him fifteen cents. He could speak seven languages, but unfortunately, he was disliked in all those countries. His hobby was visiting cemeteries in poor areas and guessing which people had the worst lives. He fell in love with a fish dentist named Chiquita, and a week later she died from using infected toilet paper while watching a TV show called Progress in Medicine. Inconsolable, Lochinvar, after composing his own epitaph, “Believe me, I wasn’t a schmuck,” died as part of a group-enema suicide pact.

UNCLE SHERLOCK

Uncle Sherlock was a proctologist’s mate in the navy who fought in Korea and the Philippines. Unfortunately, it was just last year and he was jailed in both countries. He was the only man ever brought before the World Court for unpaid parking tickets. His personal checks did not depict nature scenes, they showed animal euthanasia and the Allied fire-bombing of Dresden. During a bungee jump, he fell in love with a Dutch courtroom artist and they were mar

ried in a windmill the next day, during a relative calm. They drifted apart when he realized that all she wanted to do was sit for hours and listen to skiing on the radio. Later he moved to Milan and was killed when a riot broke out at the La Scala candy counter during the second act of Rigoletto.

UNCLE DAGWOOD

Uncle Dagwood was a fun guy. He once claimed the most difficult thing he ever did was to take a shit in a phone booth without removing his overcoat. He met his wife, Spatula, at a UFO convention where she was conducting a basketball clinic for abductees. The instant they met, Dagwood knew she was his kind of woman: She had peach preserves in her hair and brown gravy caked on her neck. Spatula worked for years as an unregistered nurse and eventually ran off with an ironmonger. She and her new lover, Rolf, died in a blimp fire over Newfoundland, and Dagwood was killed in a Barcalounger, having rough sex with a Norwegian fisherman.

UNCLE LUCIFER

Uncle Lucifer was my most interesting uncle. He was an elk hunter, but he wouldn’t kill the elk. Instead, he would chase it down, knock it to the ground and suck all the gristle out of its neck through a Donald Duck straw. He was fun to be with; he could eat a whole bowl of alphabet soup and then vomit up the vowels and consonants separately. His hobby was attending reunions of groups he never belonged to and pretending to be people who were long dead. Till the end of his days, Lucifer remained bitter that when he was a boy there had been no seedless red grapes. He died in

an Indiana furniture outlet when he was torn to pieces by a pack of Cape hunting dogs.

CHILD CARE TIP

Never use a hammer to smooth out the lumps on a newborn baby’s head. Instead, wrap a soft, clean cloth around a ten-inch length of wood and pound each lump repeatedly until the larger ones are gone and the area is smooth. Follow up by rubbing vigorously with a wire brush. Remember, never use a hammer on a child of any age, especially an infant.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

NEWS REPORT: THE DEATH OF HUMPTY DUMPTY

ANCHORMAN: From the Nursery Newsroom, this is Keith Blanchgetter. A mystery on the West Side today with the apparent death of the beloved Humpty Dumpty. We begin our Action Central News team coverage tonight with Joanie Wong at the scene of the tragedy.

WONG: Thank you. Dan. Well, it’s true, Humpty Dumpty is dead. The cause of death was apparently a great fall from this wall behind me.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

ANCHORMAN: Joanie, what’s the scene like out there right...

WONG: Well, as you can see, police have taped off the area and are treating it as a crime scene, and no one seems to know why. According to one eyewitness, all the king’s horses and all the king’s men tried to put Humpty Dumpty back together again, but were unable to do so. We have with us now one of the king’s men. What is your name sir?

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

KING’S MAN: Dooley. Kevin Dooley. WONG: And you’re one of...

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

KING’S MAN: That’s right. I’ve been one of the king’s men...

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

WONG: And were you the first on the scene?

KING’S MAN: That is correct. My partner and I responded to a 10-43. That’s an egg-ona-wall.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

WONG: Egg on a wall?

KINGS MAN: Right. It’s a routine call, we get them all the time. Usually, by the time we arrive the egg is gone. Or else we arrive and the egg is intoxicated and we have to remove him.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

WONG: And what was different this time?

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

KING’S MAN: Well, this time we’ve got a dead egg on our...

either fell or jumped. There’s a chance he was pushed; we can’t rule it out.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

WONG: Is that why you’re treating it as a crime scene?

KING’S MAN: That is correct. Crime-scene people are checking the area for trace evidence. Hair and fibers, stuff like that.

WONG: We’ve been told that all the kings horses and all the king’s men tried to put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

KING’S MAN: That’s not completely true. Some of the king his horses and a few of the king’s men. But not all. The king has a lot of horses and men. They re needed for parades.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

WONG: So they weren’t able to put him back together again?

KING’S MAN: No. He never had a chance. His yolk was broken. Once the yolk is gone on these eggs, it’s all over.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

WONG: Do the police have any theories?

KING’S MAN: We’re developing leads at this time, questioning some other eggs who were seen with him earlier today. Apparently, there was some drinking going on at a picnic. All in all, we’re told there were about a dozen eggs out there, and I guess it got pretty rowdy. They were singing dirty songs and harassing females.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

WONG: Can the public help?

KING’S MAN: We’re asking people who may have information to call our tip-line, 800-429-EGGS. All calls will be held in strict confidence.

WONG: Thank you for talking with us, Officer Dooley. Well, that’s it from the scene, Keith. Humpty Dumpty dead, at the bottom of a wall. Now let’s send it over to Marcia Lopez at the Dumpty family residence. Marcia?

LOPEZ: Thank you, Joanie. I’m standing here with Humpty’s best friend, Vinny Omeletta. Vinny, what kind of an egg was he?

OMELETTA: Easygoing. Nice guy. One time, when some kids were teasing him about being’ fat, he bought ‘em all an ice cream.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

LOPEZ: What do you think happened?

OMELETTA: I don’t know. I saw him just yesterday, he was fine. I told him to stay off that wall. It’s not safe, some of those bricks are loose. But he was headstrong; he never listened.

LOPEZ: Thank you, Vinny. We’re going to talk now with his widow, Arlene Dumpty. Mrs. Dumpty, thanks for taking a moment with us. This must be a very difficult time for you.

MRS. DUMPTY: Yes. I’m still in shock. My thoughts are all scrambled. LOPEZ: How did you feel when you found out he was dead? MRS. DUMPTY: It was no fun, I can tell you that. He was a good egg. LOPEZ: What do you suppose he was doing on the wall?

MRS. DUMPTY: He went up there all the time. He would just sit there and think. He was very deep. For an egg.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

LOPEZ: What are your plans for services? Will there be...

MRS. DUMPTY: Well, he was very conservative, so we’ll probably stick with a traditional egg funeral.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

LOPEZ: What is that?

MRS. DUMPTY: You know, skillet, a little butter, salt and pepper. Maybe some peppers and onions.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

LOPEZ: Will you have an open casket?

MRS. DUMPTY: I’m not sure. A lot of him has already soaked into the ground. But we’ll Krazy Glue the shell together as best we can, and go from there.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

LOPEZ: How can people express their condolences?

MRS. DUMPTY: We’re asking people just to send bacon. Or ham, if they like. And maybe some home fries, but not too greasy. Or they can just make a contribution to the Humpty Dumpty Foundation for Research on Safer Egg Salad.

When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops

LOPEZ: Thank you so much, Mrs. Dumpty.

MRS. DUMPTY: No sweat, my pleasure. I’m sure he’s smiling down on us from wherever it is eggs go. Although he was an egg-nogstic. Ha ha, he would’ve liked that.

LOPEZ: Well, that’s it. Humpty Dumpty is dead and no one knows why. A story we’ll undoubtedly hear more about. From the scene, this is Marcia Lopeznow back to our studio.

GOODNIGHT, TIMMY

Here’s a good way to provide some entertainment for your four-year-old when you tuck him in at night, and at the same time, stimulate his imagination.

“I came up to say goodnight and tuck you in, Timmy. You had a big day, so make sure you get a good night’s sleep. And don’t forget to watch out for the Boogie Man, Remember what Daddy and I told you about the Boogie Man? How he kills little boys? What do you think, Timmy? Is the Boogie Man here in your room, hiding somewhere? Is he in the closet? Is he going to jump out and kill you when I leave the room? He might; you never know.

“Maybe he’s under the bed. He likes to hide there, too. He might claw his way through the mattress and kill you. Don’t let him kill you, Timmy. You know what he does? He sticks a sharp metal tube up your nose and sucks the fluid out of your brain. It really hurts a lot.

“I’m going to turn out the light now and leave you alone in the dark. All by yourself. And I don’t want to hear a peep out of you. If I hear any noise coming out of this room, I’m going to come up here and beat you. Try to get a good night’s sleep. By the way, Daddy saw a monster walking up and down the hall last night. The monster had a piece of paper in his hand with your name on it. Night-night.”

Here’s a surefire way to stimulate the economy and increase productivity at the same time: From now on, when someone asks what time it is, it costs a dollar; that would stimulate the economy. Then, if they don’t want to pay, they have to go find out for themselves; that would increase productivity. Some of my ideas may not be perfect, but they’re always worth considering.

The best thing about visiting a hospital is that you see a lot of people who are much sicker than you, and it kind of makes you feel good.

TRUE FACT: I read that there’s a rich couple in the Hamptons on Long Island who have palm trees on their property, and in the winter they fly the trees to Palm Beach to get them out of the cold weather. I cant help wondering how they treat their servants.

You know how sometimes you have a song going through your head over and over all day long, maybe even two or three days? And it’s driving you crazy because you can’t get it out of your mind? Well, I know how to fix that. Its extreme, but it works every time. You kill yourself.

They’re always talking about what separates the men from the boys. Well, I’m gonna tell you what separates the men from the boys. The sodomy laws.

Regarding a wild-goose chase, why are these wild geese supposed to be so hard to find? They’re right up there in the sky. I see them flying over in

big flocks all the time in the spring and fall. They don’t seem to be hiding. So why do we make such a big deal out of this?

Live every day as if it’s your last and eventually it will be. You’ll be fully prepared.

I hope I meet Senator Dole someday. I plan to grab his bad right arm and shake it like crazy. By the way, I’m glad he didn’t get to be President. I prefer a guy who can push the nuclear button with either hand.

The feminists have this thing, “Take Our Daughters to Work Day.’ Why don’t the men have “Take Our Sons to the Cat-House Night”?

At the beginning of the Iraq war I saw a red, white and blue bumper sticker that said UNITED WE STAND. What is that supposed to mean? During the Revolutionary War it referred to the American colonies. What does it mean now? That we should all think alike and there should be no dissenting opinions? As far as I’m concerned, United Were Fucked.

O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers.

I don’t believe in road rage; I prefer the gentle rebuke. If I don’t like the way someone is driving, I pull up alongside the other car and say, “I hope your children turn out poorly.” Only once have I lost my cool. That was the time I said to a woman, “I hope you get a blister on your cunt.’ But I said it with a smile.

TRUE FACT: A headline said “Peacekeeper killed in safe haven.” Good. That’ll show him.

A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they’re interested in fashion.

I wonder if a person who comes out of a coma feels refreshed and well rested.

One day it dawned on me that Hitler had a mom and dad. The phrase “Hitler’s mom and dad” has an odd ring to it, doesn’t it? It’s kind of like when CNN used to talk about the city of Tikrit in Iraq being “Saddam Hussein’s hometown.” The two ideas don’t seem to go together.

You know what’s good about being in your sixties? Your children are in their forties, so you don’t have to worry about child molesters anymore. Unless, of course, one of your forty-year-old children is a child molester.

I drove past a school with a sign that said we’re DRUG-FREE AND GUNFREE. Later that day I drove past another school that didn’t have a sign like that. What am I supposed to infer from this about the second school?

REASONS FOR GIVING UP HOPE: Nothing works, nothing counts, nothing fits, no one cares, no one listens, standards have fallen, everyone’s fatter, lines are longer, traffic’s worse, kids are dumber and the air is

dirty. Til be back later with more reasons for giving up hope. In the meantime, try to come up with a few of your own.

Here’s a thought: If you have a perfectly DNA-matched identical twin, technically, it’s possible to go fuck yourself.

Sometimes you hear people say, “What kind of message does that send to our children?” And I think, What messages are these people talking about? When I was a kid, I never got any messages. Maybe an aunt would send me a birthday card or something; or once in a while my mother would get a Western Union telegram. But at our house, that was about it.

Good news for senior citizens: Death is near!

During one of those patriotic orgies of self-congratulation that followed the first Gulf War, as General Schwarzkopf was bragging about dropping fire on women and babies, a protester interrupted his speech. The man who had killed a few hundred thousand civilians continued to speak. The protester was charged with disturbing the peace.

In New York Stare, there’s a town called Eastchester. It’s in a county called Westchester.

I think we need some new Christmas carols with a more modern approach. Of course, I wouldn’t abandon the religious theme completely. How about “Holy Christ, the Christmas Tree’s on Fire”? Or ”Jesus, Can You Believe It’s Christmas Again?” This ought to get the ball rolling; I’m hoping you people will take it from here.

TRUE FACT: In 2002, in the US. Supreme Court, the surviving heirs of the famous film comedy trio were awarded “the intellectual rights to the Three Stooges.’

I don’t know about you, but years ago, when Evel Knievel was jumping across the Snake River, I was rooting for the river.

In the news from Israel, I keep hearing about the “cycle of violence.” It reminded me that when I was a kid I had one of them, too. After school, I used to pedal it around the neighborhood, hitting other kids over the head with a big steel pipe.

They always say the vice president is just a heartbeat away from the presidency. Don’t they mean the lack of a heartbeat?

I always feel good when I visit a sickroom supply store and see all the things I don’t need.

The last thing a young girl needs is a hands-on father. I feel really good. I wish I felt even more like this.

Dear Mom,

How are you? I am fine. I tried to donate my liver to science but they wouldn ‘t take it. Next time I’m going to add some sauteed onions and a light sauce. I’ll let you know how it goes. Love, Neil

There’s nothing wrong with a man who enjoys a good blow job. Anonymous

I read an article that cautioned people against shaken-baby syndrome. Do people really need to be told this sort of thing? And if some people do need to be told, are these the kind of people who are very likely to heed the advice? Personally, I never shake a baby. Unless the recipe calls for it.

Imagine how creepy it would be to be sexually abused by your great-great-grandparents.

Do you know why it is that when a rancher fucks a sheep he does it at the edge of a cliff? It’s so the sheep will push back.

TRUE FACT: A guy somewhere in the Midwest was sued for having too many Christmas lights on his house. Happy holidays.

I think Western Union should have a service where women with big tits come to your house and sing “Happy Birthday.” They could call it a mammogram.

Whenever I hear about someone who “died for the flag,” I always wonder about his real motives. And then I remember, Oh yeah, they shoot deserters.

A lot of the people who worry about the safety of nuclear plants don’t bother using their seat belts.

HERE’S SOME FUN: Just keep calling telephone numbers at random and yelling, “Get off the line.”

This is National Disabled Month. Do your part. Cripple someone today.

Two soldiers get into a fight. Two other soldiers pull them apart and tell them not to fight. Then they all pick up their guns and go kill people.

“Which came first, the chicken or the egg?” “The chicken.” “What about the egg?” “Okay, the egg.”

Using technology to clean up the mess made by technology doesn’t seem too intelligent.

At one time, if you had had a telephone in a restaurant it would have been a novelty and attracted more attention than the food. Now if you have a telephone in a restaurant it’s considered a nuisance.

Why don’t they just let these gay Boy Scouts join the Girl Scouts? What the fuck, you’ve got two groups. Use them both.

There’s a whole different now now.

When you drive into California from Las Vegas they have an agricultural inspection station where they ask you if you have any fruits

or vegetables with you. And then they just believe whatever you tell them. What’s the point of that? You know what I do? On every trip I put a yam in the glove compartment, just to be sure I’m breaking the law.

We ought to have a name for the day before yesterday. Dayfbreday? Yesterforday? Why don’t you people just come up with something and get back to me.

I don’t own any stocks or bonds. All my money is tied up in debt. A good motto to live by: “Always try not to get killed.”

If Marilyn Monroe were alive today she would be seventy-five, and I’ll bet there would still be guys lining up for a chance to fuck her.

Why not join the army? Join up and die. How do you expect to keep America free if you won’t die? I’m dead; I died in Vietnam. I’m dead, and all my old army buddies are dead. Can you say that? No. What’s wrong with you?