Текст книги "Burning Ember"

Автор книги: Darby Briar

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Текущая страница: 18 (всего у книги 33 страниц)

Time heals some wounds, while giving others the chance to fester and bleed until we’re never the same as we once were.

EMBER

For a long time we talk about everything besides Mav, Goose, and Dozer. They ask me about myself and I tell them about home and my mom and Sunny. They raptly listen as I recount all of the many jobs I’ve had over the years. I say nothing of Will, knowing that if I do I’ll spend the rest of the night crying.

Lily’s story follows mine, and I discover how much worse my childhood could have been. Learning about all she went through at such a young age has a vice gripping my heart and tightening around it until she gets to the part about how she finally turned her life around.

I also learn Bethany was raised by loving parents. Her mother’s a nurse and lives in Rio Rancho, but is always far too busy to help her with her kids, and her father died a couple of months after she finished high school. Killed in a training accident while on duty with the military. Shortly afterward, Dozer signed up to go into the Navy, and she broke it off with him because she just couldn’t deal with the possibility of losing him too.

Knowing Dozer was in the Navy helps me make sense of the one tattoo I’ve seen he has high up on his arm. It has an eagle standing on an anchor. There’s also a trident and an old revolver in the image and the words, “THY WILL BE DONE” written above it. His shirt covers it most of the time, but when he wears his sleeveless shirts to the gym, it’s completely visible.

Getting to know a little of their story makes me feel all the more guilty for not telling Dozer how I really feel. The next time I see him, I need to clear the air.

The next time I see him . . .

Does that mean I’m staying?

Over the course of the last few hours, my situation has changed entirely. I have a safe place to stay. Money. A job. Friends who seem more than willing to help me. I have a way to check on Sundown and Will if only my sister would answer or call me back. I also have a man who turns my body to liquid every time I see him, begging me to stay so we can give the attraction between us a chance to become something more.

But I won’t stick around if it means jail time or being sent back to Warner, and I sure as hell won’t put up with Mav’s mistreatment a second time. But the fact remains, ratting out the club isn’t an option, and I don’t know which Mav I’ll see when he returns, or when Davis will come looking for me.

It’s a waiting game I’m playing, and it’s dangerous. My freedom hangs by a thread. I know that. But in the back of my mind, I’m holding on to this small ray of hope that the man I saw in Mav today is the one who’ll come back in three days. And maybe, if he truly wants me, he’ll understand and protect me from my past when it comes calling.

Mav and the club just might be the only things that can.

Lily gestures to the green drink Bethany’s mixing. “What do you call that again?”

“Lethal Kryptonite. Named after you know who.” Bethany opens the refrigerator, pulls out the pineapple juice, and pours some into the glass until the liquid touches the brim.

Lily stands from her stool at the bar. “Tell me again how to make that drink with Jäger. The one you made for me last time. I’m gonna name it after Goose.” She wobbles a bit as she circles around the kitchen island.

We’ve all had too much to drink and that was before Bethany unlocked the liquor cabinet and started serving the hard stuff.

“Teach Doll,” Lily snickers, “ . . . teach Doll how to make cock . . . tails.” She throws her head back to laugh but nearly falls over. Thankfully, she catches herself by gripping the edge of the table.

Bethany shushes her.

Placing her hand over her mouth, Lily smothers her cackling. When she recovers, she whispers loudly, “She needs to make a drink she can name after Mr. Hot and Broody.”

“Mr. Fire and Ice,” I mutter before taking another sip of my Mai Tai.

“Ew! That’s perfect!” Lily screeches earning her a hissed, “Lil’,” from Bethany.

“Sorry.”

Bethany takes a big swig of her drink and groans. Licking her lips she says, “Almost as good as the real thing.”

Lily and I giggle.

“You’re drunk enough to talk about Dozer?”

Bethany shrugs. “I’d rather talk about Hodge.”

Lily shakes her head and gives Bethany a disappointed look.

“What? It’s what’s I do, right? Pick Hodge because he’s safe and easy, and loving him doesn’t terrify me or make me crazy. Only, because some senior citizen couldn’t see him on his bike and the son of a bitch was too stubborn to wear his helmet, I’m alone now and thinking about somebody else. Someone I shouldn’t be thinking about.

She sighs dramatically and leans back against the counter. “Letting Dozer into my heart again would be the worst mistake I could make. So have at ’em, Doll.” She waves her hand toward me.

“There is nothing going on between me and Dozer,” I tell her honestly.

After studying me for a minute she says, “I believe you. I’m sorry. That was rude of me. It’s obvious you have something going on with Mav.”

“Bethany,” Lily groans. “You’re being stubborn.”

“No, I’m being reasonable. I’ll admit that I can’t look at the giant without wanting to climb him like he’s a goddamn tree and I dream about having sex with him at least once a week.” At Lily’s glare she admits, “Okay, twice a week. But God, the fucking man gets better looking every year. I mean, seriously. What the hell is up with that?”

“So just have sex with him then,” Lily whisper yells.

“No. He’d want more. I know him. Plus, we’re oil and water. We don’t mix. I need safe and simple, and he’s complicated and messy.”

“Bethany.”

“Can we please talk about something else?”

Lily groans. She and Bethany have a little bit of a staring contest until Bethany says, “Doll’s turn.”

“There’s not much to tell.” I shrug. “He hated me. Now he likes me. He’ll probably hate me tomorrow.”

“But he kissed you,” Lily states.

“Yes.” I hold up my fingers. “Two times.”

“Holy shit. How was it?” she asks.

I take another sip of my drink. “Hmmm. Good.”

“Good. Or oh-my-God-good?” She wiggles her eyebrows.

“Oh-dear-God-I’m-on fire-good,” I answer and Lily squeals.

“Lily! For the love of all that’s holy,” Bethany hisses.

“Sorry. Sorry.”

Bethany leans in front of me on the island counter. “Mav’s a catch. You should totally lock that down. He’s sexy as hell, too.”

Shocked, I gape at Bethany. “What? I don’t like him like him. But no one can deny he’s male model hot. And he’s a good guy. You know, he’s the only one who comes around to check on me. Cap used to help me out sometimes, but I could tell he hated doing it. Ever since I dear johned Dozer, he hasn’t liked me. He gave Hodge a lot of shit when he wanted to claim me as his old lady.

“The HOCs like to say we’re family and all, but Mav and Lily are the only ones who treat me like I’m still family.

Mav comes around and gives me money, even though I’m always a bitch about it. I know he can be a dick, but I think that’s just because he’s still hurtin’, you know? He used to be the best guy I knew, besides Hodge.”

My curiosity wins out and I find myself asking, “You knew him before Dana?” She nods as she sips her drink. “What was he like?”

Putting her drink down, she taps her finger over her mouth and looks up at the ceiling for a minute. “I don’t know. I guess he was a lot like Bodie. Happy. Carefree. Kind of a jokester and everybody’s best friend. He liked the ladies, and they liked him, but he wasn’t as promiscuous as some of the guys are. And he was funny about club stuff too. Hodge told me once that he had a big problem with some of the illegal jobs the guys used to do and they’d give him a lot of shit about it. They even tried to give him the road name Saint. He hated it though and beat the shit out of anyone who used it. After that, everyone just called him Mav. Or after Dana, Rick the Dick behind his back because he’d snap at everything and everyone.”

Lily interjects, “That girl must have done a real number on him.”

“All I know is that he was pretty devoted. I’m not sure why though. She was nice looking and all, but had that gothic rocker vibe. Dark, quiet, sad. Troubled. When she left him, he went a little crazy. It took him a month to find her. When he did, she was in bed with another man and blissed out on drugs.”

My heart cracks open for Mav. I know what it feels like to have someone disappear on you. You hope every day that it’s an oversight, a mistake, just them being forgetful. Every day you think, surely they’ll call or come home today. You worry that something happened. Maybe they were in an accident. Maybe someone hurt them. After a while though, your worry turns to anger and then bitterness. I know what Mav felt up to the point when he found her, but not after he did. I never found my mother. I have no idea what happened to her. But I have a feeling she’s out there somewhere living the life she wanted to live. The one without kids, bills, and responsibilities.

Finding Dana with another man must have torn Mav’s heart in two. It explains why he’s broken. Why he couldn’t stand the sight of another girl who looked like her coming into his home.

For a moment, I let myself imagine what it would have been like to meet Mav before Dana. What would it have been like to walk into his office that first day and meet Maverick Gunn and not Luce? It still would have been lust at first sight, but would it have been love at first sight too?

Ugh . . . Ember . . . listen to yourself.

“I know he’s broody and mean and all, but the man knows how to . . .”

As if Lily’s drunk self suddenly realizes what she’s saying, her face turns ashen and her eyes dart away from mine. “Oh, God, I’m drunk. I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinkin’.” She hurries to say, “It didn’t mean anything. And it was forever ago.”

Nausea builds in the pit of my stomach. Against my will, images of them together roll through my mind. A sharp pain pierces my chest, and I don’t know when it happened but my jaw has dropped and I’m not sure I have the ability to lift it.

Her sad eyes meet mine. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. But sooner or later if you guys got together, I’d have to tell you. I was the new clubpiece and I didn’t really have a choice.”

I nod. It makes me sick. But at the same time, how can I hold it against her? She didn’t know me, and Mav didn’t either. “I get it. If you hadn’t told them I was virgin, I would have been doing the same thing.”

Bethany chokes on her drink, spits it out on the floor. When she recovers, her big eyes meet mine. “You’re a virgin?”

“No.” The ball of nausea in my gut eases and the corner of my mouth tilts up. I watch her wipe her face and then get paper towels to clean up the floor.

“I just told the guys that to buy her some time. I hoped by saving her for Edge, they’d leave her alone for a while,” Lily explains.

Bethany looks doubtful. “And they bought it?”

Lily grins. “Yeah. Hook. Line. And sink . . . her.” She starts smiling again.

Bethany looks at me with an expression that says, “Oh, my Lord, she’s wasted.” Then she rolls her eyes and continues to mop up the mess.

Something wiggles on the top of my thigh and startles me. Looking down, I remember the phone in my pocket.

After pulling it out, I see I have two messages.

Luce: 512 miles of road and I don’t remember a mile of it . . . I can’t stop thinking about you.

Luce: You there?

My insides do a series of flips. Goosebumps spread over my arms. Not only because he’s put himself in my phone as Luce, but also because he’s texting me. The messages are spaced thirty-eight minutes apart with the last one being sent a second ago.

“Is that a message from him?” Lily tries to peak over my shoulder. I pull the phone tight to my chest and she laughs. “It is. Look at you. You’re blushing.”

I fight to push down my excitement and embarrassment, as I stare at the phone for a good five minutes trying to think of what I should say back, if anything.

Bethany and Lily start making themselves Silver Sanctuaries. The drink Lily says is named after Goose.

I type and delete what I write five times before I decide to go with something simple. I don’t tell him how excited I am to hear from him, or how I can’t stop thinking about him either. Though both are true.

Me: I’m here . . . still here.

His reply comes within a few seconds.

Luce: You scared me. Didn’t think you were going to respond. Thought maybe you already left.

Me: I wouldn’t leave without telling you.

Luce: You don’t know what that means to me, Doll. You doing okay?

Me: Yeah.

I almost leave it at that. But I find myself typing and deleting again. Finally, after taking a breath, I just type my thoughts and hit send.

Me: Bethany’s mixing drinks. Lily’s toasted. We’re having a girl’s night.

Luce: And you are . . . ? Sober . . . drunk . . . ?

Me: Feeling relaxed.

Luce: Having a good time?

Me: Yes. And believe it or not, I’ve never done this.

Luce: What?

Me: Had a girl’s night out.

I’ve had a girls’ night out with Will, when we’ve gone out for ice cream, or rented a movie and stayed in. But never with friends.

Luce: No?

Me: No.

Luce: Then I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself. I’ll let you get back to it.

I feel a pang of regret that he’s ending our exchange. But I’m not about to tell him that.

Me: Okay. Good night.

Luce: Night, Doll.

Later, as I lay in the bed in the guest bedroom, my mind wanders to Mav. Where he is? What’s he doing? Is he staying with another club? Or is he out at a bar with the guys? A million scenarios run through my mind and most of them are not good. They make the sick feeling in my stomach come back full force.

I know there’s no need to worry about him being tempted by drugs, but what about other things. Getting in trouble with the law. Women coming on to him. Without his chilly demeanor, I can see a lot more women flocking to him. And the idea of Mav having sex with someone else not only makes me want to rush to the toilet bowl to get rid of all the alcohol flooding my system, but it makes me want to hurl a breakable object at the wall.

If I stayed and let him get close to me, if we started something, would he cheat like Bodie? Would he expect me to share him? Could I ever really trust him even if we promised to be exclusive, especially when he’s away and partying with another club? Who knows how many clubpieces they have and no doubt they’re just as slutty or more so than the ones at the clubhouse.

It scares me to admit, but without a doubt, I could fall in love with the side of Mav I met today. If I did, it would Hetear me apart to give him my heart and then find out he was with someone else.

Obviously, this is something I shouldn’t worry about until I figure out things between us. Still, thoughts of him with someone else keep me up half the night.

There can be no lonelier place than to be at a party among strangers.

EMBER

Bethany groans as she looks around the parking lot. Her hands tighten on the steering wheel and she blows out a puff of air that makes her bangs lift away from her forehead.

“How upset do you think Lil’ will be if I don’t show up?” she asks.

“She threatened to sell your dirty underwear on eBay and never again come over for Margarita Monday’s,” I answer with a half-smile.

Hitting the steering wheel, she hisses under her breath, “Damn her.”

“Nice, Mom,” Axel mutters bitterly from the back seat. “I can’t swear, but you can?”

Turning slightly so she can look over her shoulder at him, she says, “Oh, Axel, give me a break.” Spinning back around she mumbles, “When you’re an adult, you can do whatever you like.”

“Whatever. Are we going to sit in the car all day and get heat stroke, or what?”

She blows out a long breath. “Axel, I swear if you don’t lose the attitude, I’ll let Doll and Medda out and take you home.”

He mumbles something I don’t catch.

For a minute, she does nothing but stare at the clubhouse. Then looking over at me, she says, “I’m not staying long. Remember you’re welcome to come home with me. If you don’t, stay by Lil’, Mav, or Griz. Someone you trust.”

It’s the fifth time I’ve been warned. “I will.”

“Okay. Then let’s do this before I lose my nerve.” She opens her door, and then pops the trunk.

Right away, I hear the old rock music I’ve come to associate with the clubhouse. I’m guessing it’s coming from the backyard because it’s loud.

I get out of the car too and pause to take in my reflection in the car window.

Lily somehow managed to tame my curls. She left my hair down and it lays over my shoulder in a style I never thought would work on me, but it does. My makeup’s soft and plays up my features, a shimmery taupe color on my eyelids, which makes the green fade and the blue stand out more. She also applied a mauve-colored lip-gloss to my lips making them appear shiny and more plump than usual.

After an hour fight with Lily about what I was going to wear, I finally settled on the red shorts I bought the other day on our shopping trip and compromised by wearing a sexy white top instead of sexy shoes.

The shirt is strapless and has a heart shaped neckline. It buttons up the back and has a stretchy strap above my boobs. It’s cute, and flirty, with little red cherries embroidered on it. At first, I thought it wasn’t really my style; but at the same time, I’ve never had enough money to shop for anything but second-hand stuff, so I’m not sure what my style is. Lily claimed it was the perfect shirt to taunt Mav. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I kind of blew the whole lie about me being a virgin.

My shoes are a little more basic. They’re brown strappy sandals. There was no way I was going to walk around in the red heels Lily found. They had four-inch heels! Not only would I end up on my ass, but I’d probably fall into some scary biker who would put those heels where the sun don’t shine.

Axel opens the back door, drawing me away from my thoughts. He gets out and leans nonchalantly against the back fender of the car, arms crossed, leg propped up on the car. He tries to appear relaxed, but his eyes are darting every which way, taking in the people arriving for the party, and his knee is bouncing slightly.

“Axel, come help me with these,” Bethany says as she starts to unload the bowls of salad Nick asked her to make. As he begrudgingly helps her, I move to the back door. There I find Medda who’s already holding her chubby arms out to me.

“Where am I supposed to put them?” I hear Axel ask.

Bethany replies through what sounds like gritted teeth. “Why don’t you find Nick or one of the other old ladies and ask.” I make my way toward the back of the car and catch them glaring at one another for a minute before he finally stomps off toward the back of the clubhouse.

“And stay where I can see you!” she hollers after him.

“I’m not five years old!” he yells back.

She makes a sound of annoyance in the back of her throat, and mumbles, “Then stop acting like it.”

The two have been going the rounds all morning. We’re an hour late because of it.

Over lunch the other day, she filled me in a little on what’s she’s been going through with him. I guess he was fine for months after his dad died, supportive and helpful as if he was trying to fill in as the man of the house. Then as if a switch had been flipped, something changed—he changed. He won’t talk to her about it and he gets angry every time she tries. The last few months he’s been staying out late, hanging with some new friends, ones Bethany doesn’t approve of, and he’s getting more disrespectful and aggressive toward her.

I’ve watched my fair share of their fights since I started living there, and it’s taking every ounce of my will power not to intervene and come to her defense. I’m actually worried he might put his hands on her. She needs help with him and I think maybe Mav or Dozer could set him straight.

“You’re lip is going to have teeth marks,” Bethany says, snapping me back to the here and now.

I stop biting my lip and adjust Medda more securely on my hip. Reaching forward with my free hand, I take one of the pies I made from her.

Bethany picks up the other two and shuts the trunk. After pulling in a deep breath, she asks, “Ready?”

“Not really, but I’m scared of Lily and her threats.”

She laughs lightly and together we follow Axel into the backyard of the clubhouse.

I scan the lot and see only two HOC motorcycles line the front of the clubhouse. Usually the entire front wall is lined with bikes. “Are the guys not here?” I ask. For a second, I feel disappointed. What if he isn’t back yet?

I haven’t seen Mav in three days, but he’s messaged me every day he was gone. Nothing as deep as his first text, which I’ve read and reread a thousand times. But his messages since have been simple and sweet. Each day he starts by asking, “You there?” To which I respond, “Yes. I’m still here.” Later on, I usually get another text checking to see if I’m doing okay or having a good time. And each night I get one more text that says simply, “Night, Doll.”

The tingling sensation that flows through me when I hear the cell phone vibrate and then see those words is indescribable.

That feeling is why I’ve stayed. I crave more of it.

I could fall head over heels for Mav. I could die at the hands of Luce. But the question is . . . who will he be? What if he’s a little of both? Could I love both sides of him, if it was safe to do so?

Or am I a fool for even trying?

This is why I’m here today. I need to know one way or the other if this is where I’m supposed to be or if I need to move on before Davis comes for me.

Bethany shrugs. “Doesn’t look like it. They’re probably out on a ride or stopped off somewhere to have a few drinks before the party starts. Maybe we can drop these off and sneak out before they arrive,” she jokes.

It’s not really a joke though. She’s been a nervous wreck all morning.

When we enter the backyard, my eyes sweep over the clusters of people throughout the backyard. They’re huddled in groups here and there, sitting in lawn chairs or at the picnic tables, others standing around. Most of the kids are playing on the large patch of grass away from the adults, while a few linger close to what I assume are their parents.

I spy Grinder and two older patch members by the grill. Grinder appears to be trying to kick-start the thing. A few other familiar faces and hang-arounds I’ve seen around the clubhouse are here, as well as the old ladies I met at the planning party the other day.

Nick’s directing Axel to the folding tables lined with food, just as Kendra and Taffy exit the back of the clubhouse carrying trays of more food.

“There you are,” Nick says to us as we get closer. “I wasn’t sure you gals were gonna show.”

“We tried to be here on time, but it’s been a rough day,” Bethany explains.

“Oh . . . ?” Nick’s brow quirks up.

Bethany waves her off. “Teenage drama. It’s fine now.”

“Well, I’m glad you made it. You can’t really have a party without potato and macaroni salad.”

“Exactly.” Bethany’s tone implies that she’s well aware of how she was swindled into coming.

Nick winks at me. Her eyes drop to the pie in my hand. “Whatcha got there?”

“Ummm, this one’s apple.”

“Doll made them,” Bethany adds. “There’s also lemon and cherry.”

“Oh, wow. Thank you.” Nick’s smile brightens a bit more. “They look great. We better put them away though or they’ll be gone before the guys even get here.” She calls Taffy over.

“Oh, my God, you really came!” Taffy screeches.

Taffy reminds me of a butterfly. Not only because her hair’s pale blonde and has a teal streak running through it from root to end, but because she’s unique and more social than any one person should be. There’s always a bounce to her step as if she can’t stand to keep her feet on the ground. Her skin’s ivory and flawless, and she has the same steely blue eyes as Dozer. Her pert little nose is pierced and she’s wearing a white baby doll dress with wedge sandals.

Addressing me, she says, “Hi, Doll. I’m so glad you came!”

“Thanks.”

Her gaze shifts to the angel in my arms. “Look at you,” she says. “You get cuter and cuter every day.” She tickles Medda, who’s clinging to my side, making her giggle.

Then she moves on to Bethany.

Nick scolds, “Taffy, you’re gonna make her drop the dessert.”

“Calm down, Ma. It’s fine.” Taffy playfully smiles and takes one of the pies from Bethany. “It’s been forever since I’ve seen you.” She gives us both a sly wink, looking so much like her mother as she does so. But I’m guessing by her comment, Nick doesn’t know about our little shopping trip. She wasn’t invited to my knowledge, so maybe that’s why.

Nick takes the other pie from Bethany and puts it in Taffy’s other hand. “Hide these in the pantry until later, will you?”

“Sure.” Taffy turns and strides toward the back door.

Kendra pulls Bethany in for a long hug. “I can’t believe it myself, woman. Where in the hell have you disappeared to?” Pulling back, Kendra plants her hand on her hip and centers an intense look on Bethany.

“Just a lot going on with work and the kids. It seems like just when I’ve got one person hired and trained at the bar, someone else quits. I’m down a bartender and a busser, and I was having issues with the babysitter.”

“If you need help with the kids—”

“Actually, Doll’s going to start watching them for me, so I think I’m good there.”

“You know I’ll help out if you ever need me to. With the kids or at the bar. I’m not looking for a full time job, but I can sling drinks or clean tables for a night or two if you get in a bind.”

“Thank you. I appreciate it. I’ll let you know if I do.”

“That’s nice of you to help out,” Kendra says to me. Nick nods and appraises me, which has my nerves perking up again.

I shrug. “I needed a job and a place to stay. Bethany was nice enough to give me a chance.”

Kendra gestures toward the pie in my hands. “Here let me take that inside for ya.”

“Oh . . . sure. Thanks.” I hand it over.

Blaire comes over and greets everyone cordially, except me. She’s not as welcoming or as sassy sweet as Kendra. In fact, the way she’s looking at me makes me feel as if I’m wearing stilettos and a short skirt. The other old ladies catch on to the tension and the conversation feels a bit forced after that. The entire time I can feel Blaire’s cold stare boring into me. She doesn’t want me here. That much is obvious.

I’m tempted to make an excuse to get away, maybe take Medda to play with the other kids. I’d feel more comfortable around a bunch of children, but my gut tells me chickening out isn’t the best thing to do. I get the feeling weak women don’t last long here.

“Ma, when are the guys supposed to get back?” Taffy asks as she strolls back toward our little group.

“Anytime now,” Nick states.

Medda’s playing with the silver bracelets Bethany loaned me. She lets out a little giggle each time I shift my arm up and down and her little fingers get stuck between them, like it’s a game. I love her laugh. So carefree. It helps sooth my nerves and gives me something else to focus on besides the death stare I’m receiving.

“You’re good with her,” Nick comments.

I glance up at her. “Oh . . . thanks.” Feeling the need to say more, I go on. “I have a five-year-old niece. I watched her all the time when she was little like this.”

Bethany’s eyes widen a bit at my confession. I know this is news to her and along with everyone else. Honestly, I have no idea why I decided to share that.

“Mind if I steal her from you?” Blaire asks.

“Not at all,” I lie as I hand Medda over to the woman glaring at me.

Bethany speaks up. “It’s been nice having Doll at the house. Medda loves her and Axel is warming up to her.

“What happened to your other sitter? That neighbor of yours?” Nick asks.

“Mrs. Rhodes? She’s getting old and I don’t really trust her anymore with Medda. I caught her sleeping the last two times when I went to pick Medda up. She’s on some new medication that makes her tired all the time.”

“What I wanna know is why aren’t you callin’ if you need help?” Nick’s mouth pinches tight and tension rises in the circle of women.

“Ma!” Taffy chides.

“What?”

Bethany takes a deep breath, and says, “I . . . I don’t want to keep putting you guys out. You have your own lives—”

Nick cuts her off. “Nonsense. We’re family. Those could have been my grandbabies. You need help—you reach out. And I’m not askin’. You understand?”

Silence descends in our little circle. Bethany nods and looks away.

It’s then I notice people walking out of the yard.

“Oh. Good. They’re here!” Nick exclaims. A huge grin lights up her face. “Come on, ladies. I haven’t seen my nephew in five years and I’m not waitin’ another minute.”

Someone shuts off the music and I hear the thunderous roar of a storm, or more accurately, the sound of a group of motorcycles riding down the road.

This same sound had me tensing as a child, thinking my sister’s nightmare was yet again coming to call.

I hang back, using the kids as an excuse. “I’ll keep an eye on the little ones,” I tell them. I reach out for Medda. Although Blaire looks reluctant to do so, she hands Medda back to me.

I’m not ready to see Mav. My gut is twisting and turning, and I think I’m going to be sick.

As the seconds tick by, the rumble of the motors gets louder and I hear cheers break out from the partygoers. They’re yelling, shouting, and clapping. The growl of the motors carries on and then bikes start being revved. The sound is so loud and the bikes so near, I swear I can feel the ground vibrate beneath my feet.

I hug Medda tighter to me and when she looks up at me, I force myself to smile back at her. Some of the kids pause and glance toward the end of the clubhouse. A few run toward the sound, while some of the other kids who look unsure come closer to me.

The roar quiets little by little and finally, the last motor cuts off. I can still hear people out front, but it almost seems deathly quiet compared to how loud it was before.

By the time the partygoers start to make their way to backyard again, my insides are revolting. I can feel a panic attack brewing and I’m regretting offering to watch the kids. If I hadn’t, I could hide, leave, run. Get away before Mav has the chance to see me and see that yes, I’m still here, waiting like the poor lust-lovesick girl I am, to see which version of him will greet me now that he’s back.