Текст книги "Обмани меня (ЛП)"
Автор книги: Бетани Бейзил
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Atonement
Xander
Ten fucking days.
This shit was driving me crazy. I knew when I decided to lie to Avery I took a huge risk, but in my head I couldn’t see anything past her leaving me. Now that she was actually gone, I was thinking I should’ve chosen differently.
My phone rang, and when I saw Avery’s picture light up on the screen, I didn’t know what to think.
“Hello,” I answered cautiously.
“Xan…” Fuck. I hadn’t heard her say that in over a week. “You need to come to the hospital.”
“What happened? Are you okay?” I snatched up my keys and raced to the door.
“I’m fine… It’s your mother.”
“My mom?” I paused before pulling open the car door, a bit taken aback.
“We’re in the emergency room. Just get here, okay?”
The line went dead as I sped out the driveway.
I was confused and scared as hell. Why was Avery with my mom? And how the fuck did she end up in the emergency room? My foot was practically glued to the gas pedal, and my hands clenched the wheel so tight my knuckles were white.
~*~*~
When I arrived at the hospital, I found Avery huddled up with Ian in the emergency room waiting area. She stood and took a few steps my way when she noticed me coming toward them. I stopped in front of her and almost reached out to hold her, but she quickly took a step back as though she’d read my intention.
“What the fuck happened to her?” I snapped. I was so on edge I didn’t even filter my anger when Avery was obviously wrecked about the situation.
“It’s my fault.” She looked so dismal, and I was immediately sorry for coming off so strong.
“It’s not your fault,” Ian said, stepping in behind her and putting his hands on her shoulders. She allowed him to, even leaned into his touch. I pretended to brush it off because, at that point, I needed to concentrate on my mother.
“Why do you think it’s your fault?”
She stepped forward and looked up at me. “I went to talk to her about… everything that happened.” She began twisting her hands together, then looked away. “I got angry and yelled at her. Then she started clutching her chest and asked for an ambulance. I’m sorry, Xander. I just went over there to talk.”
I reached out and took her hand, knowing it was the only contact she’d allow. She turned her head back toward me and looked at our joined hands. “Is there any word on how she is?”
She shook her head, her grip on my hand tightening before she released and returned to her seat with Ian at her side. I made my way to the desk and asked about my mother, but they gave me vague answers and told me to wait for the doctor to come out. Back in the waiting area, I sat across from Avery and watched as Ian kept leaning over and whispering to her.
W hat the fuck are they talking about?
I didn’t trust Ian not to use her vulnerability over this situation to take advantage of her. Time stretched, and with each passing moment, I became more anxious, wondering what was happening with my mother. If someone didn’t come out and talk to us soon, I was going to search the hospital until I saw with my own eyes she was okay.
She’d had a heart condition for a while. She’d been shocked when my dad was the one to have the heart attack that took him from us, because he’d been reasonably healthy. Maybe the stress of his political position had been too much. Or maybe he was overwrought about a son who never made an effort to come home. I knew I couldn’t handle losing my mother so soon after my dad, so I convinced myself she was fine. Even though fear had a seriously tight grip on my heart.
Ian swept a hand into Avery’s hair, pushing it behind her ear. What the fuck?
“Why the fuck do you keep touching her?” I was trying to hold it together, but it didn’t work. I came apart because I was tired of watching this sick show Ian was putting on for my sake.
They both turned to me, Ian looking pleased to have pissed me off, and Avery all wide-eyed and shocked.
“Don’t,” Avery said sharply.
“Why are you letting him touch you? Since when did he become your consoler?” I furrowed my brows and held out my hands, palms up.
“This is not the time nor the place, so drop it,” she hissed through clenched teeth.
Then when is the time? Now seemed as good a time as any. I needed a distraction, and putting my fist into Ian’s face might just work. Before I put my theory into action, a doctor stepped out and called our last name.
“Your mother suffered a heart attack. She stable, and we’re running a battery of tests to assess the severity of the situation.”
Avery sucked in a sharp breath and covered her face with her hands. Ian wrapped an arm around her shoulder and whispered something into her ear. Avery felt responsible, and I didn’t want that for her. Even if this was karma coming back for me, I knew I’d never adequately atone for my mistakes.
“Can I see her?” I asked.
“Once we get her settled in a room, then the nurse will let you up.” The doctor turned and left, and I couldn’t stick around and watch Ian coddle Avery any longer. I took off down the long hallway and tried to find somewhere to calm myself down before I got thrown out of the hospital when I knew my mother needed me.
~*~*~
I walked into the room they’d assigned my mother. The only sound was the steady beep of the monitor—proving my mom’s heart was still beating, and at that point, that was the only thing I needed to hear. Her coloring was so pale she almost matched the bedding. There were two large chairs set up near the windows. I dragged one to her bedside and sat with her for a long while.
“I messed up, Mom. I’m sorry.” I reached out and took her hand in mine. She squeezed it feebly and then narrowly opened her eyes. She shifted in bed and sluggishly shook her head and pulled my hand closer.
“Everything bad that’s happened in this family all circles back to me. I can’t handle you dying right now. What am I supposed to do without you? Please, Mom. Please. I know you’d happily give up and go to Dad, but it’s not time yet. I didn’t fix things with him. Let me fix them with you.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” she managed, then began coughing.
“Don’t talk, Mom.” I stood and helped her sit up slightly.
“Water,” she whispered.
I picked up the small pitcher at her bedside and poured some water into a plastic cup. I helped her take a few sips, then settled back into my seat.
She stared at me for a long while, and I didn’t want to say anything to force her to speak, but the look in her eyes spoke volumes.
“We both made mistakes,” she finally said.
I nodded, reached out, and combed my fingers into her hair. “I know, Mom. And I’m going to fix it all… somehow.”
The door opened as I ran my hand down her face. She leaned into it and smiled weakly as Ian stepped in behind me. I got up and walked out without sparing Ian a passing glance. As I stepped out into the hallway, I stopped short.
Avery leaned against the opposite wall with her head down. She looked as devastated as I felt. I liked to have control of my emotions, but it seemed between my mother and Avery, I was spiraling downward. I stepped toward her, and she tried to sidestep to avoid me, but I pulled her into me and wrapped my arms around her. She began to struggle, trying to push away.
“Please. Just let me hold you for a minute.”
We both needed it despite her refusal. She slowly stopped struggling and sagged against me. I rested my chin on the top of her head and tightened my hold on her. I just wanted to feel what we had, even for a few seconds, but it wasn’t the same. Her reluctance was evident even when she loosely wrapped her arm around me. I wanted her back. I wanted her to want to hold me as much as I needed to hold her.
When I pulled back and looked into her face, her eyes were glazed with unshed tears. It was the first time I’d seen her stone-cold hold on her emotions crack. I knew she was seriously hurting if she’d let me see her break this way. I wanted to help her—to take everything back and make our love perfect. But we were doomed from the beginning, and if either of us had realized our connection to the past, a future would’ve never existed for us.
“I miss you,” I said, raking my fingers into her hair.
She inadvertently leaned into the caress and closed her eyes. “Don’t, Xander… please.”
“Why not?”
“Because you and me together is sheer bedlam.” She pushed off my chest and took a step back, breaking our connection. “Look at us.” She waved her hands between us. “There are so many emotions in this hallway I don’t think anyone else can fit.”
“So you admit you still love me?”
“Love is minor considering the anger, loathing, contempt, and pain just to name a few of the emotions.”
I sighed, stuffing my hands into my pockets to keep from yanking her back to me. “I don’t know what to say to you.”
“There’s nothing to say. You killed my parents, and now I might have killed your mom. It’s not looking like love will stand a chance among the wreckage.” She walked off, gliding down the long hallway with her head down and her arms crossed.
Despite all the wreckage and chaos, my heart followed her down that hallway.
So fucking pathetic how I can ’t just let her go.
Lunchmate
Avery
“I think I need professional help, Matt.”
“Well, you’ve come to the right person,” he joked as his gaze moved from his plate to my face.
“I’m serious, Matt. Ever since I confronted Susan, everything has gotten worse. I feel like I’m the one suffering from insomnia and guilt now. Can you imagine if she hadn’t made it?” I shook my head.
Matt slid out of the booth and came around to sit next to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. “You know it wasn’t your fault, right?”
“She had a heart condition, Matt! How did I not know this?” I slammed my hand on the table.
He sighed. “Because everyone in that family has been lying to you. There was no way you knew she’d have a heart attack. You went over there for answers, and you deserved them.”
“But at what cost?”
He squeezed my shoulder. “Have you been to visit her?”
I shook my head vigorously. “Are you crazy? I almost killed the woman. I’m not going to the hospital and making things worse.”
“Avery… Come on, stop being so overdramatic. It was an accident. It’s not like you’re going to walk in there and yell at the woman. Just go check up on her. At least once you see her doing better, you’ll be able to sleep again.”
I scoffed. Fat chance of that. Between Susan’s heart attack, Ellie’s betrayal, and Xander’s lies, I wouldn’t be able to sleep for a year straight.
Matt got up and retook his spot on his side of the booth. “Will you at least try? It’s been five days. She’s probably being discharged soon.”
“I’ll think about it.”
He nodded, then continued eating his lunch. I picked at my salad for a few minutes. Then Matt looked up with an odd expression on his face.
“Incoming,” he muttered, staring toward the entrance.
I turned to see Xander strolling toward our table. As our eyes met, I quickly turned back to Matt.
Help, I mouthed, and he laughed at my wide-eyed look of panic. Matt took one glimpse at my face and gave me flustered look that said, What do you want me to do?
We really need to stop having lunch at the same place. Too predictable.
“Sorry to interrupt your lunch,” Xander said, stopping beside my seat.
“No, you’re not,” I blurted out. I stared down at my plate, but I was really watching him in my peripheral. I tried to pretend he wasn’t there—like if I wished him away enough, it would happen.
“Avery,” he said, trying to get my attention.
I finally looked up at him and said, “Still stalking me?”
He smiled, his dimples on full display. It wasn’t fair that he looked so beautiful despite all the shit going on right now.
“I’d call it an interest in preserving something special,” he declared.
“I’d call it obsessive attachment.”
“If so, you’ll have to take me back on for extensive treatment. Help me work you out of my system.” He raised a brow, but he wasn’t going to bait me into meeting up for a session. He was officially off my schedule.
“I’m going to go. If you need me…” Matthew stood, then waved his phone to indicate I could call him if I needed to, and left. I shook my head at him, but he just smiled as he walked away.
Some friend he is.
Xander slid into the booth with a big, satisfied smile on his face.
“You were trying to get rid of him.” I glared at him.
“Why would I want to do that? It’s just a business lunch.” He shrugged.
“And if it’s more?” I challenged, trying to get a rise out of him.
“Is it?” he asked, furrowing his brows.
“That isn’t your business.” I continued pushing my food around, my appetite completely gone now.
“Don’t fuck with me, Avery. If I’m up against him, I need to know.” He leaned a little closer across the table.
“There’s no competition. There’s nothing left between us, Xander.” I glanced up but immediately dropped my gaze back to my plate.
“Just answer one thing.” He rested his elbows on the table. “Did you fuck?”
“Why should it matter to you? Matt and I were together long before you.” This time I met his stare.
“But now you’re mine!”
I looked around and saw a few people glancing our way.
“Do you hear yourself? My God, Matt’s just a friend. But you’re not the only one who can use sex as a coping device.”
He sat back, anger glistening in his gaze and his jaw tightly clenched. There were a few minutes of silence where we just stared at each other, fighting an unspoken battle. He looked tired and frazzled.
“Are you sleeping?” Why did I ask that?
He looked back at me and shook his head.
“You know lack of sleep can make you feel like you’re losing your mind.” I must be losing mine, because I’m showing concern for his well-being.
“I don’t think it’s the insomnia this time.” He grabbed my hands and scooted forward. “Look, I really need you. I know you don’t want to be with me anymore, but can we resume our professional relationship?”
I chuckled, but he continued to stare at me with serious pleading eyes. “Nothing between you and me stays professional.” I looked down at our joined hands and pulled mine back. It felt a little too comfortable to let him hold me. “And you know that.”
“Avery, please. I promise to tone it down. No touching, no flirting, just you and me talking. I want to have a chance to explain why I did the things I did. Why I kept things from you.”
“Why you lied.”
He looked away. He couldn’t even look me in the eyes and tell me he lied. Why would I believe he even saw the error in how he handled things? “I’m sorry, Xander, but I’m just not ready for this.” I picked up my bag, then got up and left.
Houseguest
Xander
“Xander?” The faulty reception on my phone made Veronica sound far away.
“What’s going on, Veronica?” The last time I’d seen her in L.A., she’d been so angry I thought I’d never hear from her again.
“I need you to pick me up.” The reception was improving, but I still couldn’t make sense of why she thought I’d come back to California for her. She must be high again.
“I’m not in L.A., Veronica. You know that.” I said it slowly, like I was speaking to a child.
“Neither am I. I’m at Sea-Tac International Airport.”
I swerved onto the shoulder and stopped the car. “What are you doing at Sea-Tac?”
“I really needed to get away, Xander. Please… can I stay with you for a few days? I promise no drugs or drinking. I just need to disappear for a few days.”
“Why the fuck wouldn’t you ask me that before you got your ass on the plane?”
She was quiet for a few seconds. Then she admitted, “Because I knew you’d say no, and if I was already here…”
I’d let her stay.
Fuck!
“I’ll come get you, but two days max. I got too much going on to deal with your shit too.”
“Thanks, Xander.” Her tone perked up before I clicked off the line, made a U-turn, and headed to the airport. Veronica was trouble, but for years we helped each other out, and I couldn’t just leave her stranded in Seattle when she needed to get away. Our friendship had become too much of a codependent thing. Drugs, alcohol, sex, rinse, repeat. I didn’t want to get stuck in the cycle again. I knew about needing to get away, and there was nowhere more secluded than my place.
~*~*~
Two nights later, Veronica and I sat at a bar a couple blocks down from Avery’s office. Turns out my place was a little too secluded for her. I wanted to be as inconspicuous as possible, but she was making us stick out. I’d been asked for more autographs since I walked into the bar than during the entirety of my return to Seattle. Her new boyfriend had struck her, and I was the first person she’d thought of as an escape. I’m glad she left, but she needed to change her life, maybe go back to rehab. She’d promised to stop the drug usage, and for two days she’d maintained that, but at this point in the night, she was already wasted.
She tossed back her fourth shot and motioned for the bartender to give her another. “Stop sulking,” she said, shoving me with her shoulder. “Your mom will be fine, and fuck Avery. I didn’t like that bitch anyway.”
Of course she didn’t like Avery. She’d made my dick permanently unavailable for her to ride. And she’d tried.
“Never argue with a therapist. They take everything you say or do and turn it into some sort of neurosis or psychosis.” She chuckled, then slid her shot glass in front of me. “Here, this will help.”
I slid it back to her and said, “You know I don’t drink anymore.”
“I know.” She rolled her eyes. “You don’t drink, you don’t fuck—”
“Oh, I still fuck. It’s just not so random anymore.”
“Whatever, we’ll just leave this here in case you need it.” She slid it back in front of me, then hopped off her barstool and headed to the dance floor.
Since Avery walked out of the diner a few days before, I’d made myself scarce. Maybe Veronica was a reminder of what my life would be like without Avery, and I didn’t like it. So despite my reservations, I picked up my phone and called her.
“Why are you calling, Xander?” she answered warily.
“I just wanted to hear your voice. See if you were okay.”
She sighed, and I heard her shuffle around like she was in bed. “Don’t call anymore, Xander.”
“Wait! Don’t hang up.” I traced my finger over the edge of the shot glass.
“What?”
“I know you hate me right now, but just know… I love you… okay?”
There was a stretched-out silence; then the line went dead. She’d hung up, and I didn’t know if I expected differently. I pushed my phone back into my pocket and ran my fingers through my hair. I felt her giving up on us, and that was something I wasn’t ready to do.
I stared at the shot glass for what seemed like an hour. And I swear it felt like it weighed a ton when I lifted it. I’d stopped thinking and only felt. When the liquid burned its way down my throat, it tasted like betrayal, because I’d betrayed myself by succumbing to it.
After that, it was like a domino effect—once I hit one, more followed. I remembered Veronica leaving with some guy she’d met, and I was still glued to my stool with a shot glass as company. I scrolled through my phone a thousand times, willing myself not to call Avery again. But once you start drinking, all your inhibitions vanish.
Drunken Calls
Avery
Xander’s heavy body pressed me into the mattress. His cock was thick and hard, pushing into me, filling me just the way I remembered. I traced the hard planes of his back as his muscles bunched from the strength of his thrusts. Caressed his smooth skin and savored the sounds of his harsh breaths against my ear. I took pleasure in the feel of his skin, the sound of his groans, and the feel of his cock inside me. I was soaring toward a shattering orgasm when—
I woke with a start. I was hot and sweating and breathing as though my fuck-mare was real. That’s what I called them now because I couldn’t escape them. My fuck-mares of Xander were becoming commonplace. My body was suffering from abandonment, and its only satisfaction came from hot erotic dreams of all the ways I wanted Xander to fuck me.
My phone rang, and I realized the sound had woken me. I reached out and picked it up without looking. “Hello.”
“Don’t hang up… I wanna talk to you.” Xander slurred his words.
“Xander, are you okay?” I sat up in bed, trying to clear the sleep from my head.
“I need to… Can I come see you…? Just this once… one last time.”
“Have you been drinking?” God, don’t let him have broken his sobriety, I prayed as my heart clenched.
“No—yes, but I’m fine… Avery?”
“Yeah…?” I climbed out of bed, pulling on a pair a loose shorts and another tank top since the one I wore to sleep in was sweat-soaked.
“I’m sorry, baby.”
Not now. I really didn’t want to deal with this now. We had too much going on for me to be feeling this inside out about his drinking.
“Where are you, Xander?” I purposely tried to ignore his apology because it made me feel things I didn’t want.
“I don’t know. Some bar… Need to see you… Coming to see you.”
“No, tell me where you are and I’ll come get you.” There was no way I was ever again letting Xander get behind the wheel drunk.
“A couple blocks from your office.” His breathing was heavy, and I knew he’d had more than one drink.
“Just stay there and I’ll come, okay?” He didn’t respond, but I still heard the noise from the bar in the background as I grabbed my keys and headed out the door.
“Xander?” Silence. But I heard his breaths coming through the line.
“I fucked up, Avery. I just… I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t work, kept thinking about what I did to you—your parents. What I did to her.” He fell silent as I started the car. “I don’t know how to do this. Some people just… don’t deserve love.” He sighed out a breath as his words stole mine. My chest tightened, and I clutched the steering wheel as the phone went dead.
“Fuck!” I slammed my hands against the wheel and laid my forehead on it. I was angry, irritated, and most of all, I was convinced. Convinced I’d fallen so deeply for Xander I wouldn’t be able to push him out of my life. The fact that I was rushing off at two in the morning to find him in some unknown bar only proved it. Despite everything, Xander had the ability to make me drop everything. Xander still had the ability to make me love him.
After going to two bars on the same street as my office, I found Xander at a small pub a few blocks down. He was at the bar. A woman sat on his right side, trying to get his attention, but he was more interested in his shot glass. He held the glass in his hand and spun it as he stared at it. If he was contemplating getting another drink, I wasn’t going to let that happen.
I slid onto the stool beside him, staring straight ahead, purposely avoiding direct contact with him. “Ready to go?”
He turned his attention from the shot glass to me.
“You came.” He sounded amazed I’d actually shown up. He rested his elbow on the bar top and leaned his face on his fisted hand. “Are you angry?”
Furious , actually.
“I just want to get you home safely. Can we leave now?” I was tense, and my words came out through gritted teeth.
He reached out and touched my hair, caressing a lock between his fingers. I was tempted to pull away, but I didn’t want to do or say anything that initiated a heart-filled, alcohol-induced confession. The woman to his right realized she wasn’t gaining his attention tonight and left his side.
I stilled as he buried his fingers into my hair, leaned in, and sniffed me. “You always smell so good… edible.”
I jumped off my stool when I felt his tongue moving up my neck. “Let’s go,” I said, ignoring the heat that had quickly blossomed over that minor touch. I crossed my arms and raised an eyebrow, and he reluctantly stood and followed me out of the bar.
He dozed off, mumbling incoherent words, as I drove to his place. When we got there, I woke him, dug his keys out of his pocket, and led him into the house. I helped him into his bedroom, and that was when I should’ve bailed. But I stayed, pulling off his shoes and jeans before he collapsed on the bed.
As I turned to leave the room, he caught my arm, pulled me, and I fell onto the bed. For an intoxicated man, he was quick. In seconds, he was over me—kissing my neck and nudging up my shirt.
“Xander, stop.” I wished I sounded more convincing. I wished my body wasn’t responding to his touches. His right hand was massaging my breast while his left hand worked the button on my shorts.
Stop him now.
I knew my resistance when it came to Xander was slim, so it would be wise to press the brakes before this turned into a disaster, but despite my pushing against him, he was persistent.
His hand and lips were very persuasive, and I lost all hope when he whispered, “Just let me make you come. God… I just want to hear you moan again.”
His hand shoved down my shorts and began working my clit with his fingers. I was embarrassed that I was already so soaking wet.
Je sus Christ, I missed his fingers… and everything else.
He slid two fingers over my clit then thrust them into my pussy. He dragged them out and over my clit again, then back in. Over and over he teased me with the delicious glide of his fingers over my slit until I was doing exactly what he asked for. Moaning—begging. He pushed up my shirt and bra, exposing my breasts. As he sucked a taut nipple into his mouth, he started to fuck me with his fingers mercilessly. I pushed up into his fingers, rolling my hips and panting as my climax mounted.
I came hard in a sexually induced duplicitous haze that caused me to forget—even for a few short minutes—how disappointed and angry I was with this man. I blamed it on the physical pull. My body was asinine—clueless to how deceitful this man had been to us. It was a carnally hungry savage beast that took its pleasure from Xander despite the resulting agony.
His head was on my collarbone, breaths softly brushing against my skin. He was moments from falling into a drunken stupor with his fingers still buried in my treacherous pussy. Yes, that’s right. I decided to blame it all on my pussy and her unwavering need to feel Xander’s touch.
He sighed, lying half on me, half on the bed. I shifted and his fingers slipped out of me. His other hand rested over my breast. Then he finished me off with a dagger to the heart.
“I love you so much it hurts,” he mumbled.
I choked back a sob as I slipped out from under the heavy weight of his arm, fixed my clothes, and crossed the room. He weakly lifted his head, reaching out for me, but quickly slumped back down and fell asleep.
Out on the patio, I lay on the lounger and gazed up at the stars. Outside, I was still in one piece, but inside, I was shattered. I was in no shape to drive home. So I lay out under the stars and did something I hadn’t done since the night my parents died.
I let go and cried.
I grieved for my parents and sobbed because I was so completely in love with the man who had taken them from me. I didn’t know how to make it stop. I didn’t know how to reconcile the guilt I felt for carrying these feelings for someone I should hate. Love was a complex emotion. You could combine hate, disappointment, resentment, pain, grief, confusion, and add a drop of love, and somehow that emotion took over everything else—rose to the top and controlled everything you were.
The saddest part was Xander knew he had a chance. I knew he had a chance. I loved him beyond reason, and he was taking full advantage of that.
