Текст книги "Disgraced"

Автор книги: Annabel Chant

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    Fifteen

Her

I pushed my way through the crowds into the grime-filled stench-hole that passed for the Ladies, and rinsed off my arm. Christ, there was even sawdust on the floor in here. I hated to think what I was standing in. The dryer wasn’t working, so I leant against the wall and flicked off the water, my mind racing. Liv was a nightmare, and I didn’t know what to do about it. What did she think she was playing at? She was going to end up causing a scene, just like…

I almost wailed aloud. God, was that really what I’d been like? What had I even been thinking of? I hadn’t been thinking at all, I realised now. I’d just been on some kamikaze mission, bent on destroying myself. I had to stop Liv before she made the same mistake. After all, she didn’t have a Filth Monger, waiting in the wings, ready to pluck her from danger at a moment’s notice.

At that thought, I felt my heart squeeze in my chest. I missed him – oh God, I missed him – and I wanted him back, whatever he’d done. Ronnie’s words came back to me again. This time I knew the answer. Despite everything, regardless of my fears and doubts, I was willing to take a chance on him, if he’d only let me.

I pushed my way through the queueing, giggling girls, back out into the bar. The music had begun – Gav picking out notes assuredly on his guitar, against the steady percussion of the drummer. As I neared Liv, Celeste started to sing. I say sing – it was more of a trembling wail. I glanced up at the stage to see Gav looking over at her, nodding almost pleadingly. As the music grew louder, her voice continued to wobble and quaver. It was nothing like as good as Liv’s, but I got the feeling she could probably have held a tune, if she’d been less nervous.

Liv was watching it all with a hawk-like fascination, batting off Steve’s attentions as her focus fixed on the stage. I could almost feel her holding her breath. As the song ended, there was a deathly hush. I’m not sure the audience knew how to react. Celeste looked so awkward, staring back at the audience, almost transfixed. I actually felt sorry for her, she was shaking so much.

Liv broke the silence. ‘What a crock of shit!’ she shouted, at the top of her voice.

I was mortified and dodged behind the pillar, but I couldn’t help peeking out to see the reaction. It was like a car crash. You couldn’t help but watch. Gav peered out into the crowd and Liv waved back at him, her arm around Steve. He glared back at her, before turning to Celeste and the drummer, nodding to them to start the next song.

‘Be gentle,’ he said into the mic. ‘It’s her first gig, singing, and she’s a bit nervous.’

The audience seemed to accept that. Anyway, they got back to drinking and stayed at the stage. Whether they were hoping it’d get better, or they were just hanging around to see how low it could sink, I couldn’t tell, but I suspected it was the latter. If so, they were disappointed.

By about halfway through the second song, Celeste seemed to have got a grip of her fear, and her voice was stronger and less traumatised. This clearly didn’t please Liv, because she started talking loudly, wresting the guys’ attention away from the stage. By the third song, they were all clustered around her, with me slightly apart from them, watching the band.

Celeste wasn’t such a bad singer. She was carrying the notes well now, and I was starting to enjoy it, despite myself. I’d just caught myself actually singing along with Personal Jesus, when I felt someone squeeze my shoulder. I didn’t even need to turn round. I recognised the smell of beer and aftershave. I carried on watching, trying to ignore it, but they started tapping on it, insistently. In the end, I turned to face them. It was Stef, Chris standing behind him with the rest of the crew.

‘Don’t you want to talk to us tonight?’ he said.

I didn’t reply, so he pushed forward until he was standing so close to me I had to step back, knocking into Mark, who was in the circle around Liv. He turned around and, when he saw Stef fronting up to me, he put his hand out to me.

‘Is everything okay, Grace?’

‘What’s it to you?’ Stef didn’t back off. In fact, he stepped forward again, until I was practically in the circle myself. ‘Don’t you want to talk to us tonight, Gracie?’

‘I…’ I began, but Mark put his arm across me, and stepped forward to meet Stef.

‘She’s with us,’ he said. ‘Is there a problem?’

‘No problem.’ Stef pushed his arm away. ‘But I think you’ll find she wants to be with us. She usually does. Just ask her.’

Mark looked at me and I shook my head. ‘I think that’s pretty conclusive,’ he said, putting his arm across me again. ‘Why don’t you just fuck off?’

At that moment, the music died down. It was the end of the song and, as the audience went to clap, Liv shouted out again – ‘Get that fucking cat off the stage!’ – at which, Gav leapt off the stage and pushed his way through the audience towards us.

    Sixteen

Her

From that point on, it was mayhem. Stef punched Mark, who reeled back into Liv, who then pushed him back into Stef. He grabbed hold of Mark, who proceeded to thump him in the chest, sending them both reeling into Chris and the rest of the Aussies, who joined in with abandon.

At that moment, Gav reached us and started yelling at Liv, who berated his musical skills, his sexual prowess and his choice in women at the top of her voice, while Steve tried to intervene. Gav didn’t seem to take kindly to being told to back off by what must have looked like Liv’s new boyfriend, and pushed him away, sending his beer flying. That was enough for Steve to run at him, sending him flying into Mark and two of the other guys, who retaliated by pushing him into more of the Aussies.

I pressed myself up against the pillar, trying to pull Liv away, but she refused to move. In fact, she seemed to be enjoying it, watching proceedings with a look of something approaching glee, and glancing up occasionally at the stage. Celeste stood there in the middle under the spotlight. She seemed rooted to the spot, her mike hanging useless in her hand. She was a study of shock and horror; her face almost as pale as her bleached hair as she stared, transfixed, at the unfolding brawl.

At that moment, I felt a tug on my arm and I went with it, allowing whoever it was to pull me from the fray and over towards the steps. It was Chris, his blond hair sticking to his forehead, the armpits of his tee-shirt dark with sweat.

‘Let’s get you out of here,’ he said, pushing me upstairs. As I looked behind me, all I could see were bodies steaming into each other, bouncers trying to pull them apart. The roars and screams were overwhelming. ‘Fuck me, do you cause trouble everywhere you go?’

‘I didn’t…’ I tailed off, letting him lead me out of the bar and into the relative quiet of the twilight street. It was barely ten o’clock and, already, another night had ended in disaster.

Once outside, he stopped and leaned up against the wall, putting his hands on his knees and panting. After a few moments getting his breath back, he stood up and offered me his beer. I shook my head, holding up my own. I’d barely touched it.

‘Are you okay?’ he said, blowing up onto his forehead. ‘What was that in there?’

‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘I don’t know what happened.’

‘You’re something special.’ He took a gulp of his beer. ‘They’re fighting over you in there, you know that?’

I shook my head. ‘They’re not,’ I said, thinking back to Gav’s face. He’d been practically drooling with rage. ‘Not all of them, anyway.’

‘I’ve never known Stef like it,’ he said. ‘He doesn’t usually give a fuck about girls. Do you know he’s been down here every night, trying to find you?’

I shook my head, looking down.

‘I came too,’ he said, lifting up my hair and looking underneath it at me. ‘I can only hope.’

I smiled, but I could feel it was wan and empty. He sighed. ‘I know, but it was worth a try. You look after yourself, Grace. You’re worth more than this.’

I nodded, and he went to go back in. ‘Chris,’ I said. ‘Would you…?’

‘I’ll tell her you’re out here, don’t worry,’ he said, with an upside down smile. ‘Be happy, gorgeous.’

He went back into the bar, leaving me alone. I stood there, shivering. It must’ve been the shock, because the night was still warm. Be happy. How could I be happy? How could I feel anything but desolation, when the one I loved was out there, somewhere in the London city night, not even sparing me a thought?

I remembered Ronnie’s words. Sometimes you have to take a chance on the ones you love. It was time I took a chance. Otherwise, I’d never know.

I took out my phone and keyed in his name.

  Seventeen

Him

I didn’t notice she’d called until the following morning. I’d been shattered when I’d finally arrived back at the Dominion, and had stopped into the club to update Ronnie, who was holding the fort in the absence of Alex.

‘All sorted?’ she’d said, her face pinched and anxious, as I walked up to her outside the main dungeon. She was overseeing a scene and, from inside, I heard the crack of a whip, followed by a scream of ecstatic pain. ‘You’re going to have to forgive Alex, Nat. It’s not his fault.’

‘Forgive him?’ I couldn’t help a sharp, disbelieving laugh. Again came the crack of the whip. ‘Felicity Flint’s in hospital, in a coma. They don’t know if she’ll make it.’

She gasped, her hands moving subconsciously to her heart, as her eyes glanced quickly towards the interior of the dungeon, and I relented, realising too late how my words would affect her.

‘I’m sorry, Ronnie,’ I said, putting my hand on her arm. ‘I didn’t mean…’

She gave a quick shake of her head. ‘It’s okay, Nat,’ she said, her face shot through with misery. ‘It’s not your fault.’

‘This is, though,’ I said. I felt drained and hopeless. The sight of Felicity, all wired up in that anonymous hospital bed, kept flickering through my mind like a poorly-edited movie. ‘I should’ve known. Hell, I think I always knew, but it never occurred to me he’d go after the kid herself.’

Or had it? I remembered Rick’s words now, on the bridge. I’ve other avenues to explore. I should’ve paid more attention. Much as I hated her, I knew DI Brown was right. I was far too sure of myself.

A sudden volley of cracks came from within the dungeon, followed by shrieks of what were now simply abject pain, and Ronnie’s eyes widened. ‘Nat, it’s Max…in there.’

I pushed past her, and went into the dungeon. Max was standing there, Dominique – otherwise known as Didi – tied firmly to the flogging bench, legs spread wide and buttocks bared. He was lifting up the whip for another crack, seemingly oblivious to the sobs coming from down by the floor. His eyes were wild, fixed on the naked flesh before him, and his jaw was set hard.

‘Max,’ I said, moving towards him and positioning myself between him and the bench. ‘This ends here.’

He looked up at me and, immediately, a sarcastic smile lit up his face. ‘Well,’ he said, irony in every syllable. ‘If it isn’t F…forbes, the f…f…fucking F…F…Filth Monger.’

He drew back the bull whip and went to strike me. I didn’t flinch, just took the length of it as it scorched me across the arm, the end of it wrapping around my back like a snake. I deserved it, and only stood there, as he pulled it back to strike again.

At that point, I was aware of Ronnie, by my side. ‘Give it up, Max,’ she said, holding out her hand. ‘What the hell are you even doing here?’

He faltered for a moment, before letting his arm fall to his side, the bull whip trailing uselessly across the stone floor. She took the whip from him, before bending down to undo the bonds holding Dominique in place.

I carried on staring back at Max for a moment, before letting my gaze drop to Ronnie, who looked back up at me, her eyes widening in anxiety. Max was known by everyone to be a tough Dom but, even by his standards, Dominique had suffered. Both ass cheeks were criss-crossed with angry, purple welts, blood dripping in rivulets from several of them, onto the floor. This wasn’t BDSM – this was fury.

‘Let’s get you cleaned up,’ said Ronnie, helping Dominique up.  She cast me another worried glance, before looking over at Max. ‘No more,’ she said, throwing him a scowl.

There was a wobble to her voice that spoke of how hard she was trying to keep her temper. If there was one thing we agreed on, it was that a Dom always had to be in control – not just of their sub, but of themselves. ‘I’m shutting up shop,’ she said, to me, as she shepherded the unfortunate Dominique, still sobbing, from the dungeon.

I was left standing there, with Max.

‘You’re lucky Didi loves you,’ I said, looking down at the blood spattered across the stones.

‘Lucky?’ He gave a harsh laugh. ‘Oh, yes. I’m so lucky.’

‘At least you can be fairly certain there won’t be charges brought.’ I pointed out. ‘And there should be.’

‘I don’t give a fuck,’ he said. ‘It’s your club. It’d be worth it to bring you down.’

I didn’t say anything for a moment and, when I did, it was only to state the obvious. ‘You can’t use a sub – not even Didi – to take out your feelings on.’

‘My feelings?’ His eyes were wild with anger. ‘My feelings? What the fuck do you know about my feelings?’

‘More than you think,’ I said. ‘Don’t you think I’m upset, too?’

‘Upset?’ He looked like he was going to hit me. ‘Fliss is my baby cousin. She’s the only girl in the family. She was like a sister to me.’

‘Is,’ I corrected, without even thinking. ‘Is like a sister, Max. She’s not dead.’

‘Not yet,’ he said. ‘If she dies, I’ll come after you, you see if I don’t.’

‘Look.’ I took a deep breath. ‘I’m at fault, I admit it, but it was you came to me. I didn’t want anything to do with it.’

I remembered the day he’d asked me, on Giles’s behalf, to get involved in the first place. It’d been in his office, at the bank, and I’d tried then to talk him out of it. I’d almost managed it, when I’d seen Grace for the first time. Max had summoned her into his office and I’d been so distracted by her that I’d found myself agreeing to the whole deal – lock, stock and barrel. I wondered now if he hadn’t done it on purpose.

‘Are you saying it’s my fault?’ Max advanced upon me, but I stood my ground.

‘No, I’m saying we’re both at fault,’ I said. ‘We all are. Giles, as well. But none of us is to blame, not for what’s happened to her. It was Rick, Max, and you shouldn’t be here. You should be at the hospital.’

He went to speak, but instead broke down. I put my arms around him, and let him weep, silently, before taking him out of the now-emptying club and driving him to the hospital. I dropped him outside, and made my way back, once again, to the Dominion and, this time, to my bed.

Now, the next morning, I sat on the edge of that same bed, looking down at the text Grace had sent after I’d failed to reply to her calls, and wondering what to do.

Ronnie said that sometimes, we have to take a chance on the ones we love. I’m taking a chance on you, my Filth Monger. Please call.

I reread it several times. Dear Ronnie – always looking out for me, even after everything. I thought back to our conversation the previous night, and could’ve kicked myself for my choice of words. In a coma. They don’t know if she’ll make it. How could I have uttered those words so glibly? Christ, I couldn’t do right for doing wrong. I was like a wrecking ball, demolishing people’s lives and emotions with my thoughtlessness. I had to get a grip.

I looked again at the text. So, Grace wasn’t back with Sparkes and, for a moment, my heart sang. But then it plunged into the pit of my stomach, as I realised what I had to do, for her own sake. I wrote my reply carefully, wanting to send the right message while, at the same time, delivering the minimum hurt.

I sat there, looking at it for a few minutes, before finally pressing send.

I got up then, and had a shower. When I got out, I checked my phone straight away. I couldn’t help myself. Even though I knew I’d done the right thing, a small part of me was hoping she’d have replied, saying she didn’t care – she wanted to see me anyway. If she had, I knew I wouldn’t have had the strength to dissuade her again.

No texts had arrived but, even as I stared at the screen, a call came in. It was a land line – a number I didn’t recognise – and, for a moment, I wondered if it was her after all, calling me from her friend’s house. But, when I answered, it was the last person I was expecting to hear from.

    Eighteen

Her

When I got up for work, he still hadn’t replied. I dressed as quickly as I could, my fingers as numb as my heart. I was utterly crushed by his rejection. I kept telling myself he might not have seen my text, but I knew deep down that he had. He just wasn’t interested. Was it because I knew about him? Didn’t he trust me to keep quiet? Or – worse – did he realise he had no chance of doing to me what he’d done to the others, now his little game had been found out?

I didn’t know what to think. All I knew was that he’d abandoned me – left me discarded and alone, after all the sweet whispers of love that had passed between us. Had I been stupid to believe him? Probably – it’d all been too soon, really, if I was honest with myself.

How could I have believed he’d have fallen in love with me so quickly, or even at all, after my behaviour ever since he’d met me. That very night, he’d seen me in the hands of his employees, being treated like the worst kind of slut, and at his arrangement. How could I have believed he thought me worth more than a quick fuck?

Liv was waiting for me downstairs and we made our way to the Tube in high gloom. Even now, I’m not sure who was the more depressed.

‘How did I get home?’ she asked me, wincing as the train pulled away from the station.

‘We got a taxi,’ I said, remembering the ride home. I’d been constantly looking at my phone, even then, waiting for a response to my text. ‘The driver wasn’t impressed. You kept saying you were going to be sick.’

‘I wish I had been,’ she said, with a moue of disgust. ‘Maybe I’d feel a bit better this morning.’

‘Well, it’s your own fault.’ I couldn’t hide a grin. ‘It was carnage. I saw Gav and Stef being dragged into a police van.’ Not Chris, though, I’d been relieved to see. He’d been standing outside with some of the others as we’d pulled away.

I could tell Liv was suppressing a grin of her own at these words. ‘Mission accomplished,’ she said, without even a hint of shame, and giggled. ‘They deserved it.’

I couldn’t argue with this and we carried on towards work, lost in our own thoughts and feelings. We got off the Tube at Bank and, as we headed up Lombard Street, my phone rang. I jumped and stopped, my heart beating faster immediately. I hardly noticed the commuters crashing into me, as I fished in my bag for my phone.

I pulled it out, my heart racing, but it was only Jimmy.

‘Grace,’ he said, sounding excited, as ever. ‘I just heard. The photo-shoot was amazing – they’re rushing the ad campaign through, even as we speak. You’re going to be a star, my girl. You wait and see.’

‘Thanks, Jimmy,’ I said, trying to sound interested. I should’ve been interested – it was my ticket to freedom, after all – but I’d been hoping it was Nathaniel and now all I felt was an empty despair. I stood there, for a moment or two more, looking at my phone as commuters pushed past me, uttering exclamations I didn’t even register.

We’d barely got through the front doors of Ffyvells, when Liv turned a rancid green and clutched at my arm. ‘I feel ill,’ she said, through gritted teeth, as we headed to the lifts.

‘It’s your own fault,’ I said, steering her into the open doors of the nearest one. ‘You’re a one-woman crime spree.’

She managed a rather more shame-faced giggle, but looked so woebegone I couldn’t be cross with her. She was wilting on the spot and, as the lift began to ascend, she turned even greener.

‘Come on,’ I said, as it opened at our floor. ‘Just get to your desk. I’ll go up and get you a coffee.’

‘Eugh.’ She followed me out and past Pascale’s desk towards her own. Just as we passed Max’s office, he came out. He had dark shadows under his eyes, and looked almost as pale as Liv.

‘Grace,’ he said. ‘I trust you’re planning on staying today?’

‘Yes, Max,’ I said, flushing. All I could think of was Jimmy’s words about the ad campaign being rushed through. That was designed to delight Max, and I hoped fervently that it would be at least the weekend before the first ads were launched.

‘Good,’ he said. ‘And Liv – I have corrections from yesterday.’

She didn’t respond for a moment, just looked at him, her eyes widening further and further. When she did speak, it was to put her hand to her mouth and say, ‘I’m sorry, Max – I’m going to be sick.’

He looked from one of us to the other. ‘What is this?’ he said. ‘Have you two moved to shift work, and forgotten to tell me?’

Liv shook her head briefly, before bolting in the direction of the Ladies.

I was left, facing Max.

‘This,’ he said, finally. ‘Has got to stop.’

I nodded. ‘Sorry, Max.’

‘The Grewer account is on your desk.’ He turned and went back into his office without another word. He sounded more weary than angry, and I felt guilty. I knew already my mind wasn’t going to be on my work, and there seemed nothing I could do about it. I sat at my desk, determined to do my best to concentrate.

‘Come on, Grace,’ I told myself, aloud, as I sat down and opened the Grewer files. ‘You can do this. Just put your mind to it, and forget about him.’

‘Yes,’ said Max, from over my shoulder. I hadn’t even heard him coming over, but he was standing behind me, a sheaf of documents in his hand. ‘Forget about him. Or forget about me – your decision.’

I took the papers without a word and set about the work of the day.