Текст книги "Chelsea "

Автор книги: Addison Jane

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Текущая страница: 9 (всего у книги 19 страниц)

I watched as Blizzard chased Harlyn around the playground. Blizzard was like a big fucking kid. He could be serious at times almost scary but, for the most part, he liked to joke, flirt and have fun.

The weather was beginning to feel warmer even though autumn was still in full swing. I almost had the urge to take off my jumper that I’d thrown on over my workout clothes. Just as I was about to pull it over my head, there was mind-blowing explosion. My body instantly dropped to the ground and my ears began to ring. I didn’t know what was going on. There was chaos all around me.

I lay still, watching as Blizzard threw a crying Harlyn over his shoulder and sprinted for the doors of the clubhouse—Sugar right behind him. He tossed her inside before ushering Sugar in quickly behind her. His face was frantic as he spun around. I could see his mouth was moving, but the ringing in my ears was blocking out any other noise. I just stared at him in shock and confusion until I felt my body being lifted from the ground. I briefly recognized Neil’s face as he ran with me toward the clubhouse doors, my body jostling and jumping with each stride of his legs.

There were men everywhere, scowling faces and orders being thrown left right and center. I was in a daze, my body in complete shock. Optimus appeared momentarily. He placed a hand on my cheek and I caught a second of what I thought was fear cross his face before he was once again gone. Neil carried me to my room. At this stage, my hearing was beginning to come back and Harlyn’s crying filled my heart with pain. Neil dumped me on the bed and I attempted to climb off, needing to make sure everyone was okay.

“Stay there, Chelsea,” Neil growled, pointing to the bed. “Optimus needs you in your room until we figure out what the fuck is going on.”

I nodded, as much as I wanted to run out there and help, he needed me out of the way so he could concentrate on what he was doing. He didn’t need me running around wailing.

Neil slammed the door closed and I pulled myself up to the head of the bed, climbing under the covers and wrapping them around myself, needing some sort of comfort.

Shit had just gotten serious and I had to admit – I was scared.

It took over an hour before I heard a soft knock at the door. I cleared my throat before calling out for whoever it was to come in. Optimus slipped in and shut the door quietly behind him. His face looked ashen and almost defeated as he stared at me. I wanted to get up and go to him. I wanted him to hold me and soothe the fears that plagued me. But instead I just watched him as he came closer.

“Your car,” he said gently. “It’s gone.”

I scrambled out of the blankets. My car was old, it was nothing flash. Why someone would want to steal it, I didn’t know. “Can we get it back?” I asked, my voice croaky.

“Chelsea. It’s gone. It fucking blew up.”

I shot up then, climbing to my feet and scrambling to find the words with all the ‘what the fuck’ feelings going on in my head.

That was the loud bang. That was the noise that had made my ears ring. Someone had made my car explode.

Was it meant for me? To hurt me? Or was it just an attack against the club?

“There were some photos left at the club last night.” He folded his arms across his chest, but his posture slumped. “They were of us.”

“Okay…So what does that mean?” I asked, not sure I wanted to know the answer.

“It was a warning, they were showing that they knew you were important to me.” His eyes met mine and he held my gaze before he continued, “You could have been in that car, Chelsea.”

I shook my head and took two quick steps to him. I reached out and touched his face with my hand, my eyes never leaving his. “I wasn’t. I’m here. I’m okay.”

His eyes blazed. “For how long? This time they got it wrong. But trust me, they’ll try again if they think you’re the key to bringing me down.”

I shook my head, we were back to this again. “Don’t say it. Don’t fucking push me away again.” I tried to keep my voice steady, but it wavered.

“Do you want to be fucking killed?” he boomed. “This is not a game. This is life or death.”

“I don’t care. You’re pushing me away just when I thought things were about to change between us. I want you! I want to be with you, and I know that’s what you want too.”

“So I’m just supposed to risk your life because I want you? You want me to ignore your safety so that we can play a happy couple?” He stepped away and walked around me. “I’ve watched people I cared about, people I loved be hurt because I chose what I wanted over what was right. Do you know what that does to me every single day? Knowing they aren’t here because I took the selfish route and thought about myself first.”

My heart broke for him. He’d lost both parents and blamed himself for their deaths, thinking he could have done something to prevent it.

“You can’t change the past, Op,” I told him softly, following his movements as he paced.

“No, but I can do what’s right now. And if that means putting a barrier between us in order to keep you alive, I’ll fucking do it.”

Tears built up in my eyes. Just when I felt things start to shift, here we were, back at the same place once again.

“I’ve spent my whole life running when things got hard and for the first time I had a reason to stop. You gave me a reason to stay.”

“I’m not asking you to leave,” he said, confusion causing his brows to crease.

“Tell me you care about me. Tell me you want me. I’m sick of being that girl who sits around and waits for the guy to realize what he’s got,” I pleaded with him, unable to stop the tears that were now streaming down my cheeks. “Show me that you need me.”

“I do need you!” he growled, taking hold of my shoulders harshly and pulling me close. “I need you so bad that I can’t breathe when you’re not near.”

“Then stop pushing me away,” I cried, throwing my hands at his chest in frustration. “Stop pushing me away!”

“Chelsea! There’s someone watching us. They see our every interaction and it just shows them exactly what they want—that they could use you to destroy me and the club. They are telling Anthony DePalma everything, and if they get wind of how strong our connection is, they will hurt you,” he choked out. His hands moved from my shoulders up my neck to my cheeks. His thumbs brushed at the tears that continued to flow steadily.

I laughed, the noise sounding foreign in my throat. “So until then I just have to be a good little club girl, hang around, watch you rub against other girls and pretend like I’m not suffocating.”

He frowned. “I need to be able to protect you—”

“I don’t want you to protect me!”

“That’s not your choice to make,” he snapped.

“Well, I’m sorry, but for once I want to make a choice.” I pushed away from him, stepping backward so there was some space between our bodies. I sighed as I attempted to gather enough courage to say what I needed to say. “My parents chose to protect me. A crazy man came into our house with a gun. They said all he wanted was to steal shit that he could sell so he could get his next fix. When my dad tried to stop him, he got shot. Dead. Straight through the heart. Then the man came after me and my mom.”

Optimus reached out for me, but I moved, putting even more space between us.

“My mom chose to put me out a window and made me run. My mom decided for me that day that I was going to live, and she was going to die. She chose that path for me. I didn’t get a fucking say in that!” Anger burned in me, it flourished like a deadly flower.

I was done.

I wouldn’t let anyone control my life anymore.

It was going to be my choice.

“Blackbird … stop,” Optimus pleaded quietly, his face full of anguish hearing the story I’d never shared.

“No! Maybe I didn’t want to live! Maybe, just maybe, I would’ve rather died with them, than spent the rest of my life moving from foster home to foster home, hell to fucking hell, without them.” I picked up a textbook off my desk and threw it across the room. “I never got given that choice!”

I breathed deeply, trying unsuccessfully to calm my emotions, to get a hold of myself, but it all just spilled out.

“I didn’t get stories read to me at night. Nobody walked me to school in the mornings or picked me up after. Nobody taught me how to ride a bike, nobody clapped for me when I graduated high school, nobody was there for me when my first boyfriend broke my heart. Nobody!” I screamed, my body shaking uncontrollably.

“Baby, it’s okay,” Optimus whispered. I tried to escape as he came at me, but there was no way out. He wrapped his arms around me and cocooned me in his hold.

I fought against him, slamming my fists into his chest. “They never let me choose!”

“Shh.” he took the hits, his calming tone never changing. “Baby, stop. You’re killing me, please.”

I fought for several minutes before I finally gave in, allowing him to comfort me as I broke down. We sank to the floor together and he pulled me into his lap, my legs straddling his and my face tucked into his neck as he ran his hands up and down my back.

I licked at my chapped lips, tasting the saltiness of my tears. It was strangely refreshing.

“Please.” I whispered, gripping his cut in my hands like it was my last life line. “Please, let me choose.”

He sat still and silent, his hands still moving up and down my back. “I can’t,” he said carefully. “I need you to be safe. And if that means you’re safer without me, then so be it.”

I sat back so I could see him. “I don’t want you to protect me. I want you to love me.”

He swallowed harshly. “Blackbird—”

“Don’t keep me out. Let me in. Let me be there for you. Let me be yours.”

He shook his head. “I can’t. Not right now, not while it’s so dangerous.”

Tears began to fall once again.

My heart ached.

It was crying out with pain.

It was breaking.

“Then let me go.” My voice broke, but I steeled my back, knowing that this was what I needed. I needed to take control of my life and stop letting other people rule it. “I can’t do it, Op. I can’t sit around and pretend like every thing’s fine. I can’t pretend that I’m okay seeing you every day and knowing I can’t touch you. It hurts, Op. It hurts so bad.”

“I can’t—”

“Let me go.”

“I can’t—”

I shoved at his chest, forcing his hold on me to break and climbed to my feet. He quickly followed. “Please! If you can’t give me this, then just let me go.” My fists clenched at my sides and I struggled to hold myself back from him, but I knew in my heart that this was something I needed to do.

He sighed and scrubbed at the scruff that covered his jaw. “I’ll tell the boys that you’re no longer a club girl, but that you’re still under the club’s protection. I’ll stay away, you won’t have to see me and I won’t use the other girls. Then when all this shit is done—”

I shook my head. “No.”

He frowned. “Chel, there’s only so much I can do.”

“You don’t get it.”

“Get what?”

“You need to let me go. Let me leave.”

His face morphed from confused to surprised. We both stood there for what seemed like forever. Just staring at each other.

“No.”

“I can’t do this, Op. I need to go.”

He took a step toward me, his face serious. “No. No more fucking running.”

“That’s not your choice to make,” I said, throwing his words back at him.

I turned and moved to my closet. I sank to the floor on my knees, pulling out a large bag and began to stuff it with whatever clothes I could find.

I wasn’t angry anymore.

I wasn’t upset, or scared, or sad.

I was numb.

Club girls weren’t obliged to stay. We could walk away whenever we wanted, but the moment we did was when the club stopped paying and supporting us.

It would be hard—probably hurt like hell to leave the people who had been my world for so long. But I was done. If he couldn’t show me that he was willing to lay everything on the line and prove he wanted me, then I wasn’t willing to sit around and wait any longer.

“What are you going to do when the Mafia track you down, Chelsea?” He shot sarcastically. “The club can’t protect you if you’re God knows fucking where.”

I continued to pack, shoes, jeans, shirts, underwear. “You said yourself. For me to be safe, it’s better if we pretend not to have something going on.” I zipped the bag closed and pushed off the floor. “Well, now we don’t have to pretend.”

The words stung even me.

“This is fucking ridiculous. Where are you going to go?” He fidgeted, his body rocking back and forth like he wanted to come at me and tie me to the bed so that I couldn’t leave.

“Doesn’t matter,” I murmured as I slipped my feet into my shoes. “I don’t belong to the club now.”

This time his body gave in and he rushed toward me, gripping my face in his hands before I had a chance to look away. “Don’t do this. You can stay, the club will keep you safe.”

I placed my hand over his as it cupped my cheek, leaning into it and enjoying the rough feeling against my face. “Op, I’m in love with you,” I told him softly before closing my eyes. “I have been for a long time. I can’t be a club girl anymore with the feelings that I have, and if you won’t claim me, then my time here is done. It’s time to move on.”

I felt his overgrown stubble brush against my face and a soft pair of lips find mine briefly. “One day, you’re going to have to stop running and realize it doesn’t solve all your problems.”

“And one day you’re going to have to realize that pushing the ones you love away isn’t protecting them, it’s isolating them.” I gave him a soft peck on the cheek then stepped back. “If it’s okay, I’ll come back and get the rest of my things soon.”

He nodded, but his mind seemed far away as he stared over my head. I wondered if it was what I’d said, or if he’d chosen that particular time to cut off his emotions completely.

I tried to swallow, but my throat was completely dry. My stomach turned.

This was it.

I was walking away and he wasn’t going to stop me.

I cleared my throat finally, throwing my bag over my shoulder and taking a couple of steps closer to the door. Optimus didn’t move. I desperately wanted him to call out, to tell me he couldn’t let me go.

“Chelsea.”

I squeezed the door handle in my hand, my breath seizing in my throat. “Yeah?”

“Watch your back out there.” I thought I heard a sliver of emotion in his voice, but I couldn’t see his face to confirm it, so I put it down to just my mind hearing what it wanted to hear.

“Yeah.”

I pulled the door closed behind me, leaving Optimus standing silently inside my room. I managed to hold off the tears until I reached the space where my car usually was. But in its place was only charred remains.

The tears poured then.

There was no holding back.

“Op said you might need a ride.” Ham’s voice did nothing to sooth me as he dangled keys from his fingers and guided me over to Optimus’ truck. “Rose’s?”

I nodded, not even able to get a word out. I wept and sobbed the whole way to Rose’s apartment, hoping like hell that she’d be home. I had nowhere else to go. I could go and stay with Harmony, but I knew it would cause tension.

I needed to take a step back from the club. It was my plan to do so eventually—if Optimus hadn’t pulled his head out of his ass by the time I finished college—so I may as well start the disconnection now.

Ham didn’t try to talk to me, he just drove in silence as I leaned my head against the cold glass window and let my heart shatter into pieces.

“Be safe, Chel,” he said faintly as I jumped from the truck, not even turning around to acknowledge him or say thanks.

The rain had started coming down in buckets. I ran up the staircase that lead up the side of the building to Rose’s small apartment and pounded on the door. Water dripped from my hair and down my face, only disguising my tears but not hiding my puffy, bloodshot eyes and sniffles. Rose pulled the door open, she stood looking at me confused for a second before she took in my appearance.

“Oh, Chelsea,” she said sadly, opening her arms and allowing me to fall into them, the sobs starting up once again.

“I left,” I sniffed.

She ran her hands up and down my back, not caring that I was completely soaking her clothing.

“Come on in.”

I sat in her room for who knows how long. I was a fucking idiot. Chelsea was my match. She may be a club girl, but she had the heart of an Old Lady. She loved the club and supported me when I needed her.

She fucking loved me.

Fucking idiot.

I sat on her bed, holding my head in my hands. I’d already called Ham and given him his marching orders. He was to take her to where she wanted to go and then watch her like a hawk until we knew what was going on. I had some of the boys already going over her car with a fine-tooth comb. Someone wanted to cause some damage. Her car had been left unattended at the gym today, that had to be the place where they had planted the bomb.

Was it meant to go off while she was in the car? Or was it intended to damage the club?

I didn’t know. But I was going to fucking find out.

These bastards were going down. Chelsea may have walked away and I’d let her. But the fuck if I was going to let anything happen to her, just because I couldn’t keep in it my pants when she was around.

It was better this way.

That’s what I keep telling myself anyway.

There was a light knock on the door.

“Yeah,” I gruffed out. My throat feeling clogged with emotion for the first time in years. The door squeaked open and Sugar popped her head around the corner before ducking in and shutting it behind her.

“How’s Harlyn?” I asked. My stomach turned knowing that my baby girl had been subjected to something so violent and scary. Just another reason to take these assholes to the ground.

Sugar eyed the closed bathroom door curiously. “She’s asleep finally. Neil is sitting in the room with her in case she wakes up.”

I dragged my fingers through my short hair. “That’s good.”

“Chelsea in the bathroom?” she asked, looking confused. “I wanted to see if she was okay. But I can come back.”

“She’s gone,” I murmured.

Her eyes widened. “Say that again?”

“She’s fucking gone,” I snapped causing Sugar to jump slightly. “They fucking blew up her car! I told her we needed to keep our distance. She said she couldn’t do that anymore. That she loved me too much to be around if she couldn’t have me.”

I pushed off the bed and began pacing. Sugar quickly moved out of the way of my angry stomping and climbed onto the bed.

“Op, don’t do this. Not again,” she pleaded, watching me with sad eyes.

I stopped and glared at her. “This is not the same, Sugar.”

“How is this not the same, Op? Once again, pushing away the people you care about. Forcing them out,” she countered, almost angrily.

“I didn’t force her out,” I shouted. “She left! She walked the fuck out that door.”

“And you didn’t stop her,” she growled, pointing at me with a sharp, accusing finger. “She shares her heart with you. She tells you she loves you. She lays it all out on the line and you leave her there to dry, despite that fact that we call it as we see it. We all see how you feel about her.” Every point she threw at me was like another shot to the heart. Each more painful than the last.

All true.

My body was tense. I felt as though I needed to hit something. I was angry, but not at her—at myself. I just couldn’t bring myself to chase after her. My fears held me back.

“Do you love her?”

My stomach dropped and for a second, all I wanted to do was crumble to the floor.

Did I love her?

“She’s all I can see. There hasn’t been anyone else for a long time,” I replied, walking over to Chelsea’s school desk and propping myself up on the edge. “Chel...she’s different. She never had any expectations coming into this life, I think that’s what drew me to her. She was never out to be an Old Lady, she never wanted anything. She took what little I gave her and was happy with that, she gave me room to breathe and be who I wanted to be.”

I looked up and saw Sugar watching me intently.

I couldn’t talk about this shit with my brothers. I loved them, they were my family and I’m sure there are some of them who would understand. But Sugar knew my heart because at one stage she had consumed it. She’d seen me break down behind closed doors when my father was killed, she’d had to deal with that shit while on the outside I’d forced a strong front of anger and revenge for my men.

I was their leader. Without a strong leader, shit falls to pieces, mistakes are made, and in this life…people get killed. If they’d seen the anguish and torture I’d gone through, the self-blame and how I’d questioned being worthy of wearing that President’s patch that donned my vest, I would have never gained their respect.

“It wasn’t your fault,” she whispered. Tears shone in her eyes and I knew she could feel the ache in my chest. “Dealer’s death wasn’t on you.”

Hearing my father’s name sent a chill through my veins. I may have had my revenge, righted the wrongs that had taken place that night, but my heart still hung heavy with guilt. “I should have stayed with him. I knew it was wrong to leave but—“

“But you put me first before your family. Don’t you think that weight hangs heavy on my shoulders too? I loved Dealer. I shouldn’t have begged you to leave him there alone.” Her bottom lip quivered and I moved to crouch in front of her. This wasn’t the first time we’d had this conversation, but this was the first time she’d said anything about feeling responsible.

I took her face in my hands. “Don’t be stupid, Sugar. They were gunning for him.”

“Exactly. And if I hadn’t called you away you’d possibly both be dead and Harlyn would be growing up without a dad.”

I scoffed, turning away from her once again. “She’s done just fine the past five years without me.”

“Oh, wow! You’re really going to pull the poor me act? That’s pathetic,” she spat.

I spun, holding myself back from getting in her space. “I’m gonna let that one slide this time. Who the hell do you think you’re talking to?” Even though Sugar was different, having anyone speak to me with disrespect put me straight into the defensive zone.

She crawled off the bed and walked forward, standing toe to toe with me. “I thought I was fucking talking to a man who protected what was his? I thought I was talking to a man who had learned from his mistakes? I thought I was talking to a man who faced his problems head on rather than pushing them away and expecting that they will fix themselves eventually?”

“What the fuck, Sugar?” I growled, her words winding me tightly.

“Pull your head in, Op.” She jabbed me in the chest with her finger. “This girl, she was ready to give you everything. She didn’t care that being involved with you could put her life and future in danger. She would’ve risked everything to give you everything. Because to her, she would rather spend whatever time she had left feeling loved by you than spend the rest of her life wondering why or what she could have done differently.”

My fists clenched at my sides and I glared at Sugar, hoping that she would cower and run, but she just wasn’t the type. Sugar wasn’t scared of me, not that I wanted her to be. She wasn’t afraid to tell me what she thought, she never had been.

She glared straight back at me. “What would you do if she died right now? What if she was hit by a car? What if she dropped dead right now? Would you regret it then? Would you regret letting her walk out that door?”

Just the thought of something happening to her made my heart pound and the contents of my stomach threaten to spill all over the bedroom floor.

“Don’t tell me that your heart isn’t screaming at you to run out of this room, chase Chelsea down and beg her to come back,” she challenged.

“Of course, it fucking is. Didn’t you just hear me? I can’t fucking breathe without her.”

Sugar didn’t even flinch. You would have thought that there would even be a flicker of jealousy, but there wasn’t. Sugar wanted the best for me, just like I did her. I loved her, she’d raised my daughter mostly on her own even though I’d made sure money-wise, she was never struggling. She wanted me to be happy, and she saw that with Chelsea. It just showed what type of person she was, the amount of love she had in her heart.

“Then wake the hell up!”

“And risk her life because I couldn’t put my own selfishness to the side.” I shook my head. “No, not again.”

I had forced Sugar to leave and she was still here. Both she and Harlyn were safe because for the last five years I’d managed to keep a reasonable distance from them. In my mind, it was logical. I’d done it once to protect those I loved. I could do it again. Even if it meant that, I would never have Chelsea again. At least I’d know she was alive and could live her life. My heart disagreed, but I ignored it.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake. You’re a stubborn fucking asshole, you know that, right?”

The stupid thing was that I heard her. I knew what she was saying made sense. I knew that my dumb ass could be making a huge mistake.

I’ll just add it to the fucking list.