Текст книги "Desperate Chances "

Автор книги: A. Meredith Walters

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Текущая страница: 11 (всего у книги 17 страниц)

And I thought about Gracie.

Of course I thought about Gracie.

Seeing her earlier today had been…nice.

Almost casual.

Something like normal.

I had been angry with her for so long. My ego had taken a beating. My heart had been smashed.

But I wasn’t feeling angry right now. I wasn’t feeling heartache or bitterness.

I just wanted to hear her voice. Which was stupid.

Don’t do it. Just don’t! Go for a walk. Or make an omelet. Do not, I repeat do not, drunk dial her!

I picked up my phone.

This is your last chance, man. Retreat! Retreat!

I dialed her fucking number anyway.

I’ll just blame it on the alcohol. It made it easy to make bad decisions and think about consequences later.

“Hello?” Her voice was rough and heavy with sleep.

“Hey,” I said softly. Was I slurring? I didn’t think so. I felt a lot more sober than I had an hour or so ago. But I was still just drunk enough not to care about how wrong this was.

“Mitch?” I could hear the rustling of fabric and knew she was moving around in her bed. “What time is it?”

“I don’t know. Two maybe?”

“Why are you calling? Is something wrong?” Gracie sounded more alert.

“No, nothing’s wrong. I just thought you could use some Chunky Monkey.” It was lame. Really lame. She’d see right through me.

“Chunky Monkey?” Gracie sounded confused. “Hang on a sec, it sounds like Viv just got home.”

More rustling of fabric and I imagined her in her bed and knew that she was only wearing panties and a tank top. It’s all she ever wore to sleep. My mouth went uncomfortably dry and I had to readjust myself in my boxers.

“Damn, are you psychic?” she whispered a minute later. And then I could hear it. The familiar sounds of Cole and Vivian screwing each other’s brains out.

I laughed. “They left here about fifteen minutes ago and Cole already had it whipped out. So I figured you were about to get an earful.”

“This sounds like it’s going to be a gold medal performance. Here, have a listen.” She must have put the phone to the wall adjoining Vivian’s bedroom because all I could hear were Vivian’s hyena shrieks and Cole’s grunts.

“Enough! Spare my ears!” I begged once she pulled the phone away.

“Well, are you going to rescue me?” she asked lightly and my belly clenched.

I remembered that Sophie was upstairs. In my bed.

While I was talking to Gracie on the damn phone.

When I didn’t answer, Gracie giggled stiffly. “No worries. You’ll just be forced to keep me company. If I have to suffer through the rough and wild sex show, so do you. It was a deal we made years ago, remember?”

“I remember. But I think that promise was made under duress, if I recall,” I chuckled.

Just last week I had told her that I needed my distance. That it was the only way I could co-exist with her in the same town.

Maybe it was the alcohol that made the walls come down so easily.

Maybe I was just sick of being mad at her for things that I couldn’t change.

Because she had been my friend first.

She had broken my heart much later.

“Okay, I had withheld your Twizzlers. That was pretty harsh of me,” Gracie agreed. There was a crash on the other end of the phone. “Crap, I think they broke a window,” she whispered.

“Are you kidding me?” I asked.

“I don’t know. They’re still going at it. Sheesh, they’re stamina is enviable,” she said, sounding impressed.

“It’s all that Viagra Cole takes,” I deadpanned.

Gracie gasped. “No! Really? Vivian never said anything!”

I busted out laughing. “I’m kidding. That’s all him, lucky bastard.”

The laughter dwindled away into silence. Heavy, heavy silence.

“So why aren’t you sleeping? You’re not that much of a night owl,” Gracie observed. I sighed and leaned back on the couch, covering my eyes with my arm. My head was starting to pound and I didn’t feel so hot now that the booze was working its way out of my system.

“I’ve got a lot on my mind,” I told her.

“Like what?”

You.

I thought it but I didn’t say it, thank god. I guess I still had some sort of a filter.

“Is it the band?” she asked and I found my way out. I could tell her something that was sort of true. Because yeah, that was on my mind too.

“I think Generation Rejects are done. And I’m kind of glad,” I admitted quietly. Only to her. It was easy to give her my confidences. My secrets.

“Why? You love music,” she said, sounding surprised.

I dropped my arm to my side and stared up at the cracked tile in Garrett’s ceiling. Was it moving? I closed my eyes, feeling the room start to spin.

“I do. I really do, G, but I miss playing just for me. Not for a label or so an album will sell. I can’t find the passion for it anymore and that scares me.” Why was I telling her this? We were way past that point in our relationship where I could give her my truths.

But I wanted her to have them. I needed her to have them.

They were tiny parts of me I could give her without crumpling.

“Then you have to find your heart in it again,” she said softly. “You have to rediscover that place where you can enjoy playing. Where it’s only for you. And if that means taking a step back and doing something else in the meantime, then do it. You’re a smart guy. There’s more out there for you than just being Generation Rejects’ bassist.”

I held onto her voice like a lifeline. Everything around me was wobbly. My heartbeat was too fast but she was keeping me still.

“What if there isn’t? What if I’m washed up at twenty-five?”

Gracie laughed. “Don’t be silly, Mitch.” God, I loved it when she said my name. “You need to stop being so pessimistic. I think it might be the beer talking.”

“Hey! I’m not drunk!” I denied.

“And I’m the Queen of England,” she stated drolly.

“Well, howdy, your majesty,” I threw back at her.

“Seriously Mitch, if this falls apart and the band is no more, you’ll find something else. You’ll land on your feet. I promise you.”

She sounded so confident. So damn sure.

Why couldn’t I feel that?

“What am I going to do, Gracie?” I asked, my voice hushed as I gripped the phone so tightly against my ear, it made my hand ache. “What else am I even good at?”

“You’ll figure it out,” she said.

“And what if I can’t find it?” I sounded panicked. I couldn’t help it. I was ripping myself open for her to see.

Could she see how much I loved her?

Where the fuck had that come from?

It came from the deepest parts of me. Where she would always stay.

Damn, drunk Mitch was a total cheese ball.

“I’ll help you find it,” she swore and I let out a noisy breath.

“You promise?”

“I promise,” she replied.

“I’ve missed talking to you like this.” Deep breath. Don’t say it.

“Actually I miss everything about you.” Of course I said it. Stupid mouth to brain malfunction.

“I miss you too,” she murmured and I felt like I was falling off a really steep cliff. Gracie could make me feel so out of control.

And then I crashed to Earth.

There was a creak on the stairs and I looked up to see Sophie standing at the landing. “Who are you talking to? It’s late. You need to get some sleep,” she called down.

“I’ll be there in a minute,” I told her. Sophie stared at me for a moment longer and then turned and went back to my bedroom.

Gracie was quiet on the other end and I wondered if she had hung up.

“You still there?” I asked.

“Yeah. I’m here,” she said after a beat. “It sounds like you’re being summoned.” Her voice was tight, her earlier warmth gone.

“Gracie, I—” What was I going to say? I would never know because she didn’t let me finish.

“Thanks for the warning about Cole and Vivian. I’ll see you around.” She was cold. I could get frostbite from here.

“Sure thing. Thanks for the pep talk. See ya.”

I hung up. Before either of us could say anything else.

I sat there staring at nothing. My head full of her.

Then I climbed the stairs and went to my room. I got under the covers and lay next to my girlfriend.

And went to sleep hating myself.

I woke up grouchy. It was one of the worst nights sleep I could remember having in a long time.

And it had nothing to do with the crashing and moaning from Vivian’s room.

It had to do with Mitch and his stupid Chunky Monkey.

“Whoa. Who pissed in your cornflakes?” Vivian asked as I stomped into the kitchen, dressed and ready for work.

“Don’t talk. Give me coffee,” I ordered, holding out my hand. Vivian obliged by handing me a full mug. I sipped on it and felt a little more human.

“You look horrible. You should use some of my skin toner. The bags under your eyes are awful!” she exclaimed. Vivian of course looked perfect for having been up the entire night fucking her boyfriend.

“Well, I would have slept better if it wasn’t for the five rounds of sexylmpics you had going on in your bedroom,” I harrumphed, sitting down at the kitchen table and rubbing my temples.

“Are you sure it didn’t have anything to do with your late night phone call?” Vivian asked and I gaped at her.

“How in the world did you hear me on the phone when you had all that going on?” I waved my hand around.

Vivian rolled her eyes. “Who called then? There are only so many things a late night call can be about. A family tragedy, a drunk friend needing a ride home. Or a booty call. Given your general cranktastic demeanor, I would say the latter is off the table. So what was it? Is everything okay?”

“You forgot to add random drunk dialing to that list,” I said.

Vivian’s eyes widened. “Who drunk dialed you? Was it Mitch? Because he was pretty lit up when we left.”

I took another fortifying sip of coffee before answering her. “Give the lady a gold star.”

Vivian frowned. “But Sophie was there. What the hell is he playing?”

“Well she interrupted towards the end, telling him to come to bed. So I have no idea.”

Vivian pursed her lips together. “I don’t get you two. You fuck. You don’t talk. You have screaming fights. You avoid each other. You have late night phone calls. He goes back to his girlfriend. You are one messed up pair.”

“Says the woman who used to cat fight for her man’s attention,” I snapped.

Vivian’s eyes narrowed. “Yeah, well I grew up. I figured out that wasn’t a good way to be. I got honest with my feelings and stopped being a moron. Maybe you should take a leaf out of the Vivian Baily guide to men.”

“He’s with Sophie—”

“And he’s calling you at two in the morning. The both of you need to sort your shit out once and for all. We’re all a little tired of the yo-yo.”

I drew myself upright. “I’m so sorry that my love life isn’t going the way you think it should be!” I lowered my voice when I realized I was getting loud. “But things with Mitch have never been simple. We’ve always had really bad timing. Maybe we’re just not meant to synch up.”

“What’s so complicated about it? It seems pretty straightforward to me. He’s butt hurt because you ran out after screwing him. You have your nose out of joint because he rebounded with another girl. But at the end of the day he loves you. You love him. End of discussion.”

I stared down into my cup of coffee, annoyed at her blasé attitude. If it were her and Cole, she’d have blown a gasket at least three times this morning already.

“I don’t have my nose out of joint,” I complained.

Vivian snorted. “Sure you don’t.”

We finished the rest of our coffee in relative silence. I read the news on my phone and Vivian repainted her nails.

“I’d better get going—”

“I need to talk to you before you go,” Vivian cut me off.

“Okay. But I’m not talking about Mitch—” I glanced down at my phone to see the time. If I left now I’d be able to get into the office early and go over the article ideas…

“Cole and I want to move in together.”

I looked up from my phone, not sure I heard her correctly. “Huh?”

Vivian shrugged, but her eyes were worried. “Cole and I are going to move in together.”

“So you don’t want to move in together. You are moving in together,” I responded.

“He’s always here anyway. What’s the point of both of us paying rent?” Vivian started chewing on her bottom lip in a telltale sign that she was nervous.

“You want him to move in here?” I asked, horrified. I thought about last night’s crash, bam, whollop and shuddered at the thought of facing that twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. I knew I couldn’t handle constant access to the Vivian and Cole peep show.

Just the other day I had come home from the grocery store to the sight of Cole walking around naked in the kitchen. He didn’t even bother covering up when I loudly dropped the bag onto the table.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I began but Vivian cut me off again. She had a bad habit of not letting me complete a thought.

“No, we want our own place, Gracie. He wouldn’t move in here, I’d be moving out.”

Oh.

Well, that changed things.

“When were you thinking of moving?” I asked weakly. I had to get to work. This was a really bad time to be having this conversation.

Vivian continued to chew on her lip. It was a wonder she had any skin left. “Next month.” She gave me a feeble smile.

“Next month,” I repeated dully.

“I know it seems sudden. But that gives you more than enough time to find another roommate if you need one. Though now that you’re fulltime at the magazine, maybe you could have the place all to yourself. Think how awesome that would be! You could put up those horrible pictures that I hate—”

“They’re Pollock prints. They’re abstract expressionist masterpieces,” I interrupted indignantly.

“Yeah, well they look like paint splatters on a piece of paper and they’re freaking ugly,” Vivian argued.

“Have you found a place then?” I asked.

Vivian grimaced. “Yeah, we signed the new lease last week.”

My mouth dropped open in shock. “You signed a lease without telling me first? That’s messed up, Viv!”

I wasn’t sure why I was getting so mad. I had my suspicions that Cole and Vivian were looking for their own place. In fact, I had encouraged them. I hated listening to their nightly romps through the paper-thin walls. Not only was it beyond gross, but it was a depressing reminder of how alone I was. Plus, the apartment was too cramped as it was, let alone with another person always around.

And as much as I liked Cole, I would be quite happy never seeing his penis ever again. Especially considering he seemed to think nothing of waving it around.

But Vivian and I had lived together for the better part of five years. I had grown accustomed to her crazy habits and vapid ways. I felt as though things were changing faster than I was ready for.

Vivian got up and hugged me, her pretty face contrite. “I’m so sorry, G. I should have told you sooner.” She squeezed me tighter. “I wasn’t even sure we were really going to do it. I think part of me is scared to make the step. I mean, it’s Cole Brandt, former slut extraordinaire.”

“And the man who loves you more than anything,” I reminded her.

Vivian sighed. “I know. I guess I just keep waiting for him to balk at the commitment.”

I understood her trepidation. She had Cole, as passionate and in love as they were, had one hell of a rocky start. But that was their past. I had no idea Viv still held onto those fears.

“He’s not letting you go, Vivian. You have nothing to worry about. He’s learned his lesson. He’s a lot quicker on the uptake than some of us.” I gave a self-deprecating laugh.

Vivian leaned her head against mine. “There’s nothing wrong with taking your time to get it right, babe.”

“Tell that to Mitch,” I muttered.

“He’s a dumbass and as much as I love him, he’s being a twat face,” Vivian quipped.

I didn’t want this to become yet another exhaustive discussion about Mitch I-like-to-call-you-in-the-middle-of-the-night-and-twist-up-your-insides Abrams.

“First Maysie and Jordan get a house together now you and Cole are shacking up. Everyone’s growing up,” I whined but gave her a smile to let her know I didn’t hold it against her or anything. Well, not entirely. Maybe just a little.

“Stuff is changing really fast, sometimes I can barely keep up,” Vivian agreed.

“It seems like just yesterday we were tagging along with Maysie to Barton’s to hear the guys play. Now all my friends are settling down. I feel like I’m a little behind the curve here,” I remarked jokingly.

Vivian sat up and gave me a stern look. “You’re not behind the curve, Gracie. Don’t start that nonsense. But this is part of life. We grow up. We settle down. We build our lives. You’re doing the same. You’ve got a great job. Now you’ll have your own place. It’s like you’ll be a real, live grown up.” She lightly punched my arm.

“Oh wow. Do I get a membership card and everything?”

“I know you have this thing about being left out because Maysie’s with Jordan, Riley’s with Garrett, and I’m with Cole, but that’s just dumb. You’re our G. You’re important to all of us. Some more than others.” She gave me her wolfish smile.

“It’ll be strange around here without worrying about seeing Cole’s white ass first thing in the morning,” I sighed dramatically.

Vivian laughed and then she became serious. “I’ll miss you, G. We’ve been across the hall from each other for years. But that just means you’ll have to come over for sleepovers.”

I rolled my eyes. “We’re not twelve, Viv.”

Vivian hugged me again. “You’re my sister, Gracie. Always. Forever. Nothing will ever change that. Not boys. Not growing up and having families. You and me and Maysie and Riley are constant. We’re a team.”

I sniffled, not able to help the tears that misted my eyes. “Stop it. I have to go to work and I don’t want red eyes and smeared mascara,” I scolded her, not really meaning it.

Vivian smoothed down my hair and kissed my cheek. “Go use that skin cream before you go. Trust me.” I stuck out my tongue but did as I was told. Because damn it, she was right.

I had twenty minutes to grab lunch and get back at the office. That wasn’t enough time to stand in line somewhere so I was forced to run to the grocery store on the corner and grab a salad.

I stood in the aisle trying to choose between a wilted Caesar salad and slightly more wilted Cobb salad. Neither looked appealing and I had a feeling it was going to be a random pick from the machine kind of lunch.

I glanced at the time on my phone and saw that I only had twelve minutes left until I had to be back for the meeting.

Working out of the Southern Garden office was taking some getting used to. It was my first job with regular hours. Freelancing didn’t require a skirt and blouse and working at the coffee shop before that certainly didn’t involve staff meetings and brainstorming sessions.

It was exciting. For the first time in years I felt invigorated. Like I was a part of something.

I had my head down, flipping through my calendar to see what else I had today when I walked right into the last person in the word I would ever want to see.

It was more a crashing of bodies that resulted in the other person dropping their basket of groceries.

“Oh crap, I’m so sorry,” I gasped, falling to my knees and hastily picking up cans of soup, a box of tampons, and four giant packs of Twizzlers.

“It’s fine,” the person responded, sounding like she was chewing on broken glass.

I slowly got to my feet and faced Sophie Lanier. Aka—the love of my life’s girlfriend.

“Oh, hey, Sophie,” I mumbled, hoping I could scurry down the aisle and away from this giant pile of discomfort.

Sophie didn’t even bother to smile in acknowledgment. She took the pack of Twizzlers that I was holding out and dropped it unceremoniously into the basket.

“Hi, Gracie.” She said my name like it was a bad word. Her mouth curled and her nose wrinkled up like I smelled bad. Had my deodorant stopped working?

“Those must be for Mitch. Unless you have an unhealthy obsession with them too.” I tried laughing. It sounded all wrong in my mouth.

“Yes, they’re for Mitch.” She said his name with a territorial edge. Mitch. Her Mitch.

“He’ll appreciate that. He could eat them for three meals a day.” Why was I still standing there talking about Mitch and his love of chewy candy to his less than amenable girlfriend? Especially after our phone call last night. And every intense, consuming encounter that we had shared before that. I should feel shame for lusting after her man. I should feel guilt for loving the person that she claimed as her own.

But I didn’t.

Because in my heart of hearts he belonged to me.

And he always would.

“Thank you for informing me, with all your infinite wisdom, about the things Mitch likes. I sure do appreciate it,” Sophie remarked snidely.

Okay, then.

“Well, I’ll leave you to your shopping. It was nice seeing you,” I lied. I would rather have had a root canal, but no sense in being a total bitch.

“Gracie, was he talking to you on the phone last night?” she asked before I could make my escape.

Why would it matter if he were talking to me?

I looked into Sophie’s narrowed eyes and we both knew that it did matter.

It mattered a lot.

“Yes. We were talking last night. But it’s not what you think—”

Sophie held up her hand and shut me up like a freaking schoolteacher. “You don’t know what I think, so don’t claim to.”

“I was just saying—”

And she interrupted me again!

I clenched my hands into fists and tried to resist the urge to connect it with her cutesy pie face.

“I don’t get it,” she said, her words like acid.

“Don’t get what?” I was going to be late for my meeting. I should tell this chick to hush it and to talk to Mitch if she wanted to know something. But she just. Kept. Talking.

“Why he loved you so much. There’s nothing much to you.” She sniffed again, looking confused but disgusted.

“Wow. Tell me what you really think,” I muttered.

“He was a mess after you left him. Did you know that?” she demanded, glaring at me with a heart full of hate. Man, this woman really didn’t like me. Not that I blamed her.

“I don’t see how this is any of your business. And I have to go. I’d love to stand here and chat about shit that doesn’t have to do with you, but I have places to be,” I replied flippantly, waving my hand in dismissal. I turned on my heel and started to walk away, proud of my super awesome exit when she stopped me again.

“Just leave him alone. He’s better off without you.”

Her words hit me right where it hurt. In the heart. Because they were the exact words I had told myself over and over again a million times before .

He’s better off without you.

I straightened my back and looked over my shoulder, flipping my hair behind me. I smirked; refusing to let her see how much she had gotten to me.

I may have believed those words at one time, but I was learning that I wasn’t that girl who had walked out on the man who loved her because she was desperate to self-destruct. I was re-building myself. My pride. My self-respect.

So I didn’t believe that anymore. I wouldn’t allow myself to.

I didn’t know where that left Mitch and me, or if it even mattered at this point. But I wouldn’t let this woman look down her nose at me.

I didn’t cower to anyone. Ever.

“Then maybe you should keep a better leash on your boyfriend.” I turned and walked off, my nerves stretched thin and my knees starting to shake.

I wanted to collapse, but I didn’t.

Those days were over.

Watch out world, the new Gracie Cook was here to stay.