Текст книги "Equal Access"
Автор книги: A. E. Branson
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Текущая страница: 10 (всего у книги 18 страниц)
That sly smile of hers curved Jill’s mouth. “And the pot called the kettle black.”
“Are you insinuating something?”
“Whatever would give you that idea?”
“I can’t ever get a straight answer outta her.” Karl switched to jiggling his thumb at Jill while he addressed the others at the table. “It’s like living with a secret agent. I’ll ask her ‘What’s for lunch?’ And then she comes back with something like ‘The monkey is in your pants.’”
Shad almost choked on the salad he was unfortunate enough to be swallowing right when he felt the impulse to chuckle. He coughed and sputtered a bit, then reached for his glass of tea to help finish washing the lettuce down.
Karl’s thumb redirected toward Shad as his attention returned to Jill. “See what you made me almost do to poor Shad?”
Jill completely ignored the question and asked Stan to pass her the rolls. Shad, naturally sitting as far away from her as possible, noticed the butter dish had remained at his end of the table, and he suddenly remembered what he had been assigned to do. Shad picked up the butter dish and held it in front of Dulsie.
“Jill, you want some butter with that?” His voice was still a little raspy.
Hopefully Shad was only imagining that complete silence reigned at the table. Two seconds, three seconds....
“Mom.” Dulsie spoke up. “Shad asked if you wanted any butter with your roll.”
Jill glanced toward Dulsie and demurely replied, “No thank you.”
Shad set the butter dish down, and then he felt Dulsie’s leg rub against his calf.
The opportunity arose again the next afternoon following First Day meeting. The families had lunch together before Erin’s group would head home, and Shad started passing out drinks of tea or juice. He asked Jill if she wanted anything. And again Jill didn’t respond.
Dulsie was just as quick to challenge her mother’s selective hearing. “Mom,” she said in a clear voice, “Shad asked if you wanted something to drink.”
Jill glanced casually toward her daughter and nonchalantly responded, “No thank you.”
Shad wondered how long Jill would give up food and drink just to keep ignoring him. Maybe trying to reconnect with Jill wouldn’t be so unsettling after all. Dulsie had his back, and Shad had to admit he was starting to find Jill’s response – or lack thereof – a bit humorous.
Then the time came for Erin’s family to leave, and they all exchanged hugs with her group. Ida was the last of the family to give a hug to Shad. He had stooped to be more accessible to the kids’ levels, and when Ida wrapped her arms around his neck she playfully jumped toward Shad, knocking him a little off balance and causing his own arms to tighten around her.
“Easy,” Shad gasped.
To his dismay, the primal urging flooded through him.
The waters of the Osage River were not consistently clear. Only ten miles or so downstream of the Delaney farm it entered the Missouri River which had long ago earned the nickname “Big Muddy.” Upstream the flow of the Osage was impounded twice to create Truman Reservoir and the Lake of the Ozarks. Therefore the river was rather rich in nutrients, which encouraged the growth of algae that often cast a greenish murk to the water that would limit visibility below its surface. It was clean enough to swim in, however, and even though any rain had stayed to the north and west for several days, feeding the river’s tributaries, the water was reasonably clear as the level lingered at the lower stages and the current was gentle.
The three couples had planned on an afternoon of swimming at the river after Erin’s family left, so Shad brought a pair of blue swim trunks for him to wear at the Osage. As he basically swam diagonal laps to the middle of the river and back, Shad simmered mentally on the episode he’d experienced with Ida. For him, swimming or hiking were both executed automatically, and his mind could usually focus more effectively during these activities.
Pap had seen to it all his kids became efficient swimmers, and Shad, who seemed to lack refined athletic ability even though his physique might suggest otherwise, had exceeded expectations. Wally had taken him to the pool when Shad was little and even enrolled him in some lessons. Then for four years Shad did no swimming at all until he was brought to the Delaneys. Under Pap’s tutelage and a few sessions with a private tutor, Shad became as proficient as Pap, who had long held the record on being the strongest swimmer in the family. Shad knew he excelled at this one skill because he enjoyed swimming so much and had therefore worked on it, much as he was more of a fisherman than a hunter. When Shad went fishing he focused on trying to catch fish, but whenever he would go hunting Shad was more content just to be out in the solitude of the wilderness and didn’t care if he bagged any game or not.
While Shad swam, instinctively working with the currents of the river, he pondered a reality that had surfaced in his conscious after the experience with Ida. His demon gave no quarter to family members. Not only was Ida his niece, she was Erin’s daughter. Erin, who could have simply alerted Social Services to Shad’s situation, had instead turned him on a path that not only saved him but saved God only knew how many others. Shad’s gratitude to Erin only deepened his shame about Ida, and the veracity of his shame made him contemplate a possibility so horrendous he couldn’t bear to examine it in detail.
Shad and Dulsie planned on having a family someday. They could have a daughter.
Even though Shad was determined to never exploit a child’s vulnerability, the mere idea he could feel that impulse toward his own daughter sickened him. Yet Shad had learned today his perfectly natural revulsion had no suppressive power over the unnatural force that lurked inside him. Even if the disorder went back into latency, Shad had no guarantee if or when it could surface again. All he knew for sure was that he didn’t want to live with the specter of harboring something so vile toward his own children.
Shad now hoped that Brody did injure him enough to eliminate any chance of paternity, but he also couldn’t take chances on hope. Shad was going to have to say something to Dulsie, and he’d better say it quickly since they’d already ended their efforts to avoid just such an event. But the truth was too terrible to share, so how was he going to explain his sudden change of heart?
It was true everybody knew he was a proponent of adoption, so to some extent it would make sense if Shad said he wanted to adopt. But how would he explain a preference for children over six years old or only males? Besides, he knew Dulsie looked forward to the experience of childbearing. And she was quite keen on bearing his children, despite the matter that Shad had little knowledge of what exactly might be lurking in his genes.
Maybe now would be a good time to assign more importance to that hitherto mild reservation. Link that to the desire to adopt ... yeah, he could give reasonable arguments why they would be better off not beginning with an infant ... and Shad believed he might be able to convince Dulsie she didn’t need to experience pregnancy.
His flash of relief was quickly dimmed by a subtle but sudden new dread.
He was plotting subterfuge against his own wife. One of the basic cornerstones of Friends belief Shad had taken to heart first was the exhortation to adhere to a single standard of truth. One must speak plainly and honestly. Yet here he was, contemplating the fabrication of an alternative “truth,” and Shad intended to use it as a means to persuade Dulsie to deviate from their original plan.
But he couldn’t tell her the real truth. It was too personal to both of them. Dulsie’s image of him would be shattered and she would be thrown into a nightmarish angst about what she had married. No, Shad would cause less harm to her by crushing some of her dreams in order to urge Dulsie to replace them with new dreams.
This wasn’t fair.
Shad felt distinctly trapped in a situation that seemed to condemn him to hurt Dulsie no matter what he did. All Shad had control over was to what degree he would hurt her. It would appear that Jill, as always, had been right.
Chapter Twelve
My God, My God, why have you abandoned me; why so far from delivering me and from my anguished groaning?
–Psalm 22:2
Monday morning Dulsie left earlier than usual for work, and Shad decided to go in earlier as well. Although his impending discussion with Dulsie was largely what simmered in the back of Shad’s mind, another matter he had been delaying over occasionally surfaced in his thoughts. Wally was still out there. And Shad had been a little too willing to focus on his other problems instead of how to handle this dilemma.
Wally also wasn’t trying to contact him. Shad wasn’t sure if he should find this recalcitrance on Wally’s part unusual or not. But that fact did keep popping up occasionally in his thoughts, so Shad figured even he had been able to assign some kind of meaning to it.
Despite the fact it was a typical Monday at the office when everything seemed to not work out the way it was supposed to, Shad was able to head home by four-thirty. Upon arriving at the house he saw Dulsie had beaten him there, which she often did. He was still going to wait to broach the topic about their family plans until after they had eaten and were ready to start settling in for the evening.
When Shad walked into the living room, Dulsie walked out from their bedroom. She was still wearing the purple blouse and green skirt she had worn to work this morning, so Dulsie apparently hadn’t been home very long.
She greeted him with a sparkling grin. “Hey there, stud.”
“Hey there.” Shad placed his hands on her hips as Dulsie stepped up to him and gave him a kiss. Then she clasped her hands behind his neck and beamed up at him.
“I have a little surprise for you.”
There was no telling what she’d come up with this time. “And what’s that?”
“I’ll give you a clue. Right now it’s smaller than a breadbox.”
Her clue only mystified him more. “Right now?”
“And in about nine months, actually less, it’s gonna be a little bigger than a breadbox.”
Ninemonths. The significance of those two words weighed heavily in his mind. No, surely not. Not now.
“You mean you can’t guess?” Dulsie smirked when Shad hadn’t responded for several seconds.
“I don’t dare.” His voice was almost a hoarse whisper.
Dulsie chuckled. “Then I’ll end the suspense for you. Before work today I swung by the store to get a pregnancy test. And according to it, we’re having a baby.”
Shad stared at her. The entire world seemed to have fallen away and all that was left was the two of them ... and the truth.
The truth was staring Shad in the face as intently as Dulsie was smiling up at him. Why did this have to happen now? Why were all these things happening to him now, piling upon him as though trying to crush Shad under their weight? Why couldn’t he have more time to take care of each crisis in its turn? Why did time seem to be so rapidly running out on him?
“When?” Shad croaked.
“Oh, in more like eight and a half months.” Dulsie’s smile was almost smug. “I’ve never been more than two days late before, so I had a pretty darn good idea what was going on.”
“Is there ... a chance the test could be wrong?”
“Not when the result is positive.” Dulsie leaned against him while continuing to hang from his neck. “Stop acting so surprised, Daddy. It’s not like we don’t know how it happened.”
As Shad stared at Dulsie the numbness that started in the pit of his stomach crept into his torso and limbs. The world seemed to have fallen away because his world was falling apart. What if Dulsie had a daughter? Actually, the way his life had been going lately, Shad was inclined to be convinced they were going to have a daughter. And that could only mean he was going to have to choose the path that would make him hurt Dulsie more.
Dulsie was still smiling, but it had faded slightly and her brow furrowed. “Shad? This is the part where you’re supposed to say how happy you are.”
Shad could only stare at her. Words evaded him as though he were trying to grasp fluffy cottonwood seeds that darted about just out of reach on the breeze. The happiness he was supposed to experience had been stolen from him by the accursed demon which lurked inside.
Dulsie stopped leaning against him but left her hands clasped behind Shad’s neck as she peered up at him. “What’s going on with you?”
This wasn’t fair. This was supposed to be one of the brightest moments of Shad’s life, and yet all he could feel was dismay and remorse and lots and lots of guilt. His time had run out. Shad’s plans lay in ruins on a scorched plain, no longer protected or concealed. But worst of all he was going to have to drag Dulsie into this devastation he’d created.
Dulsie took half a step back as she moved her hands to his shoulders. “You’re starting to freak me out a little here.”
“I’m sorry,” Shad murmured.
Dulsie cocked her head to one side as she studied his face. “I think we qualify as co-conspirators.”
“I can’t....” The words he needed to say were so awful that Shad couldn’t bear to speak them.
Dulsie frowned. “You already did.”
“I don’t ... want to do this.”
Dulsie stared at him as though Shad had sprouted antenna. “It’s a little late to change your mind about this.”
“It’s not....” Shad reached up and clasped Dulsie’s wrists in his hands. As he took a step back Shad lowered her arms and released them. “I haven’t changed my mind ... exactly. Something else changed.”
Dulsie stood with her arms at her sides and was momentarily the one at loss for words. Years ago Shad would occasionally drop an emotional mask over his face, making him inscrutable even to her. Usually he did this whenever Shad was undergoing extreme personal duress, and she could see that mask settling over him now. Dulsie focused on the ripple of pain in his eyes because she knew it would be the last flicker of his personality before Shad completely shut her out.
Pain? Why?
“What change?” Dulsie could feel her stomach twinge. His last emotional flat line had been before they were even married, but this one somehow seemed to loom as threatening.
“I thought it was gone. I never told you about it because I thought I would never have to deal with it again.”
“It? What’s it? What are you talking about?”
“There was ... there is ... I have this....” Shad’s eyes became dull as his gaze drifted downward and to the side like a wrecked ship being swallowed by the depths of the ocean. Dulsie knew she’d lost him.
“Tell me what’s wrong.” Dulsie made sure her demeanor remained calm even though an unknown panic had been sparked inside her.
As Shad spoke again his voice was monotone and completely devoid of emotion. “I have issues with pedophilia.”
Dulsie could practically feel the weight of his statement settle on her chest. Was she hearing him correctly? Surely Shad didn’t really just say that?
“What do you mean?” Dulsie’s own voice seemed to be scarcely more than a whisper, as though the wind had been knocked out of her.
“I mean ... I experience the symptoms of pedophilia. Again. I thought it was gone. I haven’t felt this way for years. But last week.... It’s happened more than once. It’s back. Definitely.”
Some sort of eerie sensation began spreading through her, starting in the marrow of Dulsie’s bones and working its way to her skin. How could this be? How could Shad actually be attracted to children? Then her panic flared.
What exactly did “It’s happened more than once” mean?
“Have you ever ... touched a child like that?” Dulsie heard the words come from her mouth in a hoarse whisper but they seemed to arise by their own accord. A very unpleasant sensation prickled through her as she braced to hear an answer Dulsie almost feared.
“No.” Shad’s response was immediate and there was even some emotional force behind it.
Dulsie felt as though she’d been holding her breath for the last minute, and relief swept through her as she drew in a lungful of air. All right, he hadn’t done anything wrong. But still that eerie sensation writhed within her as Dulsie tried to better grasp what had just happened.
“How is it – that is – how can you get something like that?” Some of the strength had returned to her voice, but Dulsie noticed she now felt a little weak in the knees.
“I don’t know.” Shad was flat again. “Nobody knows.”
“What do you know?”
“I know it started by the time I was twelve. I know I lived with it every day until college. I know it was a particularly pervasive manifestation.”
“A what?”
Shad’s gaze rose slightly but he still didn’t make eye contact. “It’s not the same for everyone. Some people have it with a regular sex drive and some people have it with other problems and some people have it ... like I did. It was exclusive. I ... wasn’t attracted to any adult women.”
Dulsie stared at him as their history flashed through her memory. When their relationship started to grow closer, he had always been the perfect gentleman. It wasn’t until they were engaged Shad did a bit of a “Mr. Hyde” turn. Although he always immediately obeyed her “Stop,” Dulsie quickly figured out he assigned her with full responsibility of saving anything for their wedding night. If she understood him correctly, Shad shouldn’t be as interested in her as he had proven himself to be for over six years. Then she remembered a little fact about herself, and the eeriness rippled through Dulsie again.
“But you were attracted to me because I reminded you of a child?”
“Not anymore.”
“Not anymore?”
“It started one day you were at my apartment. You told that joke about the girl who fell in the mud hole, and you imitated a little girl. I ... had a response to that.” Shad’s voice was not quite so monotone, but it remained low and hushed. “It was a response to the wrong stimulus, but at least you were actually an adult woman. You were the first adult. You’ve been the only adult....” His voice trailed away as Shad’s gaze returned to the floor.
Dulsie continued to stare at him as she tried to piece together what Shad was saying. The memory that was so obviously burned into his brain was elusive for her. Dulsie wasn’t even sure what the joke was Shad had referred to. But this event apparently happened shortly after she started college. So that could only mean –
“That was why you started going out with me?”
There was a flicker in his eyes as Shad removed the carrying case from his shoulder and took a step toward the couch to deposit it there. “At first I hoped to use that memory to help condition me toward preferring adult women. It didn’t work, and what I didn’t foresee was that focusing on you in that way would make me ... want to be with you.” Shad seemed to stare at the far end of the couch. “I had a choice. I either had to get over you or win you over. I chose the second option because....” A tremor of tenderness stirred in his voice. “It seemed like it was meant to be.”
Dulsie wished those words could have lifted the weight from her heart, but she was still trying to comprehend how Shad could be the way he was. “How did you manage to hide it so well? Why didn’t I notice something wrong?”
“I believed it was abolished. There came a point that I realized ... a few weeks had passed where I wasn’t having those impulses anymore. We had just started actually going out, and time went on and it never came back. By the time we were engaged I was convinced it was gone.” Shad’s voice cracked a little. “So I never told you.”
Dulsie could tell this revelation was even harder on Shad than when he recounted years ago some of the abusive events of his childhood. Back then he’d been able to keep his emotions perfectly neutral, as though Shad was sharing a story that he actually found a little boring about somebody else. The breakthroughs of emotion Shad was experiencing now proved how hard he was struggling to keep them at bay. When they were kids Dulsie had started to good-naturedly refer to him as Spock because she had been mystified by his reserved behavior. The confirmation Shad had been abused helped to explain that, and suddenly Dulsie remembered there was much about his childhood he still hadn’t told her.
Her voice became hoarse as Dulsie found herself contemplating that yet another act of evil had been perpetrated against Shad. “So did you ... could this be ... were you molested as a child?”
Shad’s focus remained on the end of the couch, and for several seconds he was as still and as quiet as a stone statue. When he finally spoke, only Shad’s mouth moved, and his tone was low.
“It hasn’t been proven that childhood molestation leads to pedophilia.” The fact he tried to skirt her question confirmed what happened even before Shad added the next statements. “Don’t worry, you’re safe. I got myself tested for everything. They all came back clean.”
Her heart ached from more than just the crushing weight. And her sympathy for him only made Dulsie’s next question even harder to ask.
“So ... is it only girls? Or do you also ... what about boys?”
“Only girls.” Shad was as still and emotionless as she’d ever seen him. “Four to six years old.”
Dulsie was starting to feel a little sick to her stomach. Why did he have to be like this? Of all the psychosis and neurosis out there, why did Shad have to be stricken with something so abhorrent? Of all the abuse he’d suffered as a child, why was it only the molestation seemed to stick to him?
“Why girls?” Dulsie could hardly believe she was trying so hard to understand something she found incredibly detestable. “Weren’t you molested by men?”
Shad actually seemed to twitch. Then after a few more seconds of silence he replied in a maintained monotone.
“What happened to me may not be the root of the problem. For all I know, I could have been born this way. I’m not exactly descended from people who would be regarded as pillars of the community.”
A tremor of nausea crept through her again. But Dulsie had to keep seeking answers.
“So what happened to make it come back after all this time?”
Shad inhaled a long, deep breath while his gaze rolled upward slightly as though he’d found something of interest on the wall. Dulsie stepped a little forward and to one side because she could see there was emotion breaking through in his eyes. It wasn’t pain this time, and it wasn’t exactly panic, but it did remind her of the gleam in an animal’s eyes when it sought escape. More seconds passed, and then the mask fell back into place.
“I found one of them.”
Her spine prickled. “What do you mean? Who did you find?”
“The man ... who was with us the longest. I spoke with him.”
Disbelief struck Dulsie again. “You spoke with a man who molested you?”
“I wanted to find out if he had reformed.”
“And?”
“He hasn’t.”
A flicker of rage passed through her. “Prosecute him.”
“I can’t. The statute of limitations is up.”
“Go to the police. Tell them what he did and that they need to investigate him.”
“It doesn’t work that way. I need evidence.”
Dulsie was stunned. She knew that defying the killing letter of the law was the basis for Shad’s decision to become an attorney, but she still found it difficult to believe that the law was more interested in protecting an abuser’s rights because one of his victims had grown too old, yet the perpetrator could continue to obtain fresh victims. And now Shad believed that his frustration at being unable to press charges against the man initiated the recurrence of his ... condition. That led to another question.
“If you got rid of this problem before, can you get rid of it again?”
Shad drew another deep breath before responding, and there was hint of resignation in his voice. “Don’t you see? I never truly got rid of it. It could go back into latency but it will always be there. There’s always the chance it will return, again.”
That unpleasant feeling reestablished itself. “But can you get rid of it? Could you actually take therapy this time and make it go away?”
“I don’t know. I obviously can’t tell the difference between eradication and suppression.”
The truth in his words renewed the weight in her heart. And a realization dawned upon Dulsie that made her feel as though a knife had also been plunged there.
She couldn’t believe this was happening. Only a few minutes ago Dulsie had been on top of the world, but now it had just crashed and burned. The love of her life was no longer the same man she’d married. He had changed into something ... repulsive. Dulsie still cared for him, but ... she owed Shad the same truth he had just given her.
“I’m not sure where we can go from here.” A tremor crept into her voice. “It’s not that I don’t trust you, but you’ve got to understand ... we’re talking about children. When you can – even if you don’t ... I just don’t think....”
There was still resignation in Shad’s voice as he offered her the words Dulsie couldn’t speak. “Do you really want to live with a pedophile?”
Dulsie bit her lower lip as her chest tightened and her eyes misted. She drew a deep breath, but her voice was still hoarse. “I don’t know.”
Shad’s gaze lowered to the case on the couch and Dulsie saw him also inhale deeply. Then he nodded, once and slowly, and he turned toward the bedroom.
“You need time to think. I can at least give that to you.”
She wasn’t entirely sure what Shad meant as he strode into the bedroom, but when Dulsie heard him open the closet and then open a suitcase, she realized what he was doing. This felt more like some terrible, awful dream Dulsie should awaken from and discover that everything was still all right. But the truth was, there was a part of her that was relieved Shad was leaving.
Dulsie wasn’t sure how much Shad packed, but it took him less than two minutes to return to the living room with a forest green suitcase in his left hand. Shad slipped the strap of the carrying case back over his right shoulder, and without any word he reached for the knob of their front door.
“Where are you going?” Dulsie impulsively asked even though she wasn’t sure why she cared.
Shad hesitated for a few seconds, and Dulsie could easily believe he hadn’t thought that far ahead yet. His reply was back to the monotone.
“The motel.”
Then Shad stepped through the doorway, and he was gone. Soon thereafter Dulsie heard the engine of the pickup turn over and eventually fade away. He was truly gone. The man she had fallen in love with was gone.
Never before had Dulsie ever felt this alone.
