Текст книги "Equal Access"
Автор книги: A. E. Branson
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Текущая страница: 7 (всего у книги 18 страниц)
She was wearing her usual flowery headscarf and a long pink sundress, the skirt of which Monica adjusted around her legs as she settled into a chair.
“How’s Charissa making out?” Shad asked as he took his own seat.
“She was glad to be back in her old room.” Monica smiled faintly. “And she and Vic seem to have hit it off. But she’s also been, well, distant.” Monica’s smile faded. “Sometimes I wonder where’s that sweet little girl I used to have.”
“I would’ve been surprised if she didn’t show behavioral changes.”
“I know. It’s just ... my time left with her is limited. I want to be able to make the most of it.”
From the way her lips tightened up and her eyes began blinking rapidly, even Shad could detect the swell of emotion triggered inside Monica. He quickly diverted her attention to the papers she needed to sign, and they had a quick discussion about the next tier of strategy. Vic returned with Charissa just as they were finishing up, sparing Shad the necessity of having to come up with small talk.
“Here’s your mom back, Charissa.” Shad smiled at the pensive girl. “Think you’ll share a piece of candy with her?”
“Maybe one.” Charissa actually smiled a little, but she still stood slightly behind Vic.
As Shad watched them leave he felt his gut stir again. What was his limited intuition trying to tell him? What important detail might he be missing?
Chapter Eight
Right is right, even if everyone is against it; and wrong is wrong, even if everyone is for it.
–William Penn
Wednesday Shad drove the pickup to the train station in Jefferson City. All he’d told Dulsie was he’d be getting home an hour or so later than usual that day. Hopefully the train wouldn’t run very late.
During his wait at the depot and while riding to St. Louis, Shad used the laptop to review and update files on his other clients in an effort to distract himself from the upcoming meeting with Wally. But as the train drew closer to his destination, Shad’s thoughts turned more to the matter at hand. He remembered the first time he had to participate in a moot court while in law school. Shad’s nerves got wound up so tightly he had to duck into the bathroom just as the session was getting started because his impulse to throw up was too strong. He was glad his breakfast today had been no more than a bagel slice with cream cheese and a glass of vegetable juice cocktail.
It was after lunchtime when Shad got off at the final station, but between his anxiety and the fact he had long ago become hardened to missing meals, Shad wasn’t interested in food. He called a taxi, and it took him to the anchor store and home office of Wally’s industry.
It was a modern metal and brick building that composed part of the lineup of businesses bordering the busy parking lot. There were no trees to offer any respite from the heat that seemed magnified by radiating from the sidewalk and pavement and automobiles. In his charcoal suit and mint green shirt, Shad doubted that little less than a blasting air conditioner would offer him any relief anyway.
He drew in that well-practiced deep breath to steady his nerves, and entered the front door of the techno-store.
Business seemed to be pretty good for a Wednesday afternoon. There were maybe around a dozen customers lingering at various games and merchandise shelves, about half of them adult and the majority male. The shine and the glitz permeating the interior gave him the impression of old sci-fi movies where everything was new and squeaky clean. Shad approached the front counter and informed a young woman with a ponytail that he was there on an appointment to see Walden Palmer. She relayed his message to an older woman with short hair at the other end of the counter. The second woman picked up a telephone receiver tucked underneath and out of sight, spoke briefly into it, and told Shad Mr. Palmer would be there directly. After a wait of only a couple of minutes, a man whom Shad recognized more from over twenty years ago than from the recent photograph walked over to him.
“Good afternoon. I’m Walden.” Wally nodded politely and offered his hand, a formal smile barely curving his lips. He was wearing khaki slacks and a light blue button-down shirt with the sleeves rolled to the elbows. Shad remembered how the man would prefer to wear jersey shorts and tee shirts in the summer time. Obviously Wally was going for a little more professional look these days.
“A good day to you.” Shad nodded with the same level of formality and shook Wally’s hand. Now that there was no turning back, his nerves started to settle down. “I’m Shad Delaney, as I suppose they warned you.”
“Glad to meet you.” Wally glanced around the store. “I confess I’m quite curious about what brings you halfway across the state to see me today.”
“We can take care of your questions all in due time.”
“Did you want to take a look around the facilities before we go back to the office?”
“Not necessary.” Shad shook his head. “I’d prefer we just get down to business.”
“I’ve no complaint about that.” Wally jerked his head toward the direction he’d come. “Office is this way.”
As Shad accompanied the man toward the back of the business he glanced around at the patrons. None of the boys were as young as Wally preferred, which didn’t surprise Shad since this was a weekday and most families would have parents at work. At the end of the hallway they entered an office, a small room with a laminated wood desk and metal filing cabinets, where Wally offered him some coffee. Shad wasn’t a coffee drinker, but he did accept a paper cup of water from a dispenser in the corner only to keep his mouth from being so dry.
Shad seated himself in the one upholstered metal chair sitting across from the desk. A flat screen computer monitor, several piles of paper, and a wood picture frame he could only see the back of took residence on its surface. Wally sat in the swivel chair on the other side of the desk.
“So what is this little business venture you wanted to talk to me about?” Wally leaned forward and clasped his hands together on the desktop.
Shad set the paper cup on the front edge of the desk. He could feel his own heart hammering away inside his chest, and although Shad didn’t feel shaky he was a little concerned he might look that way if he didn’t keep his hands clasped together between his knees. “I’m sure it must be a little unsettling to meet with an attorney under rather vague pretenses.”
Wally shrugged. “Are you representing a client?”
“I’m representing myself. But I suppose there would be reason why you might anticipate someday having to face someone associated with the justice system. Do you ever have nightmares about it?”
A subtle frown creased Wally’s brow. “I’m afraid I don’t follow where you’re trying to lead me, Mr. Delaney.”
“As I mentioned before, I saw the article about your business in last week’s paper.” Shad didn’t want to reveal his identity abruptly. He wanted to see how soon and in what manner Wally would acknowledge what he was talking about. “I’ll admit I was a little surprised you agreed to have your picture put in there. Did you presume that nobody would recognize you, or that if they did, it wouldn’t motivate them to have you investigated?”
Wally’s frown deepened as he raised his clasped hands to his chin and propped his elbows on the desk. “What’s this about an investigation? About what?”
“I know you have a very good idea what I’m talking about.” Shad found himself balancing between trepidation and gratification. “You might as well speak freely. You’re not under formal testimony. We just need to clear the air.”
Wally looked puzzled. “I think you could clear it best by telling me why you’re here.”
“Go ahead, Wally. You know what I’m referring to.”
Upon hearing his nickname, Wally furrowed his brow again. “I don’t know what game it is you’re trying to play with me, but I can assure you I don’t have time for games.”
Shad leaned forward slightly. “It doesn’t surprise me you’ve forgotten who I am.”
Wally’s expression became perplexed. “Have we met before?”
“Think back over twenty years ago. It was in a seedy little apartment in the downtown area. Remember the woman you lived with?”
Wally stared at him. Shad was perfectly comfortable with the silence that remained between them while the seconds passed. Every cut-throat lawyer and journalist was well acquainted with this little trick.
And Wally did finally break the silence, although it wasn’t as revealing as Shad hoped it would be. “So why are you here?”
“Have you forgotten that little boy you took care of for her?” Shad was feeling the same kind of anticipation he got while fishing and tentative tugs came from the end of the line. “Or do you even remember me?”
Several more seconds passed. Then Wally leaned forward, his gaze studying Shad’s face. His frown faded into surprised disbelief. When Wally finally spoke, his voice was low and raspy.
“Shadow?”
“I don’t go by that name anymore.” Shad kept his own voice low and calm.
Wally stared for a few more seconds before speaking again. “Your last name also wasn’t Delaney.”
“It’s the name of the family who adopted me.”
“Adopted?” Wally’s reaction probably wouldn’t be more credulous if Shad had told him he’d been abducted by aliens. “When were you adopted?”
“Four years after you left.”
Wally continued to stare at him. Silence passed again between them, and Shad started to realize how hard it was going to be to get him to admit anything.
“Have you figured out now why I’m here?” Shad asked.
Wally’s expression didn’t change. Many seconds passed again before he finally spoke.
“Not really. It could be one of many reasons.”
“Now you’re trying to play games with me,” Shad continued. “Denying what you did when you lived with us won’t change the truth.”
Wally leaned slightly to one side and continued to gape at Shad. “What happened to your mom?”
“Admit it.”
“She didn’t die, did she?”
Shad folded his arms over his chest and managed to lock his gaze on Wally’s. Seconds passed again, but Shad didn’t waver. He didn’t believe he’d ever managed to hold a gaze this long before with anyone besides Dulsie, and his motivation with her was entirely different.
Wally glanced down and shifted to the other side in his chair. “I don’t understand why you seem so ... aggressive. I took care of you. Don’t you remember all the places I took you? The toys I bought you? I was the one who cooked your meals and read you stories.”
Shad didn’t budge. Time continued to pass.
Wally shook his head. “Why won’t you talk to me?”
“Admit it.”
“What do you want me to admit?” Wally leaned back in his chair so far that he pushed it back slightly from the desk. “That I cared for you? I did, you know. I wished I didn’t have to leave you when I did.”
“You wished I hadn’t grown older.” Wally’s reluctance to respond couldn’t be a good sign.
“Your mom didn’t want me around anymore. She threw me out.”
Shad suspected part of his mounting annoyance was caused by Wally’s insistence at calling that woman his mom. “Either you talk about what you did, or I’m gonna walk outta here and you won’t know what I’m gonna come up with next.”
Wally seemed a little stunned. “What happened to you?”
Shad started getting to his feet. “The fact you won’t admit it tells me you’re still doing it. What you’re doing is a criminal offense, by the way. Since that’s all –”
“Wait!” Wally sat up and held out an upright palm. “You’ve got it wrong. You’ve got me wrong.”
Shad stood and leveled his gaze at Wally again. “I know what happened.”
“You don’t know everything. Please.” Wally turned his palm down and lightly patted empty air. “Sit down. You’re right. We do have a lot to talk about. You need to know that things have changed.”
As Shad settled back into the chair he felt his eyes narrow as he locked his gaze on Wally’s again. “Go on.”
“I had just graduated high school when I met your mom. You see, I wasn’t more than a kid myself. I guess you could say I hadn’t really found myself yet, so I was totally unprepared for what effect you would have on me. You were such a ... independent child. Your mom seemed to ignore you most of the time, and when she did pay attention it was usually to scold or criticize you. I felt sorry for you. When I did things to make you happy, it just brought out ... those warm, fuzzy feelings, I suppose. I had a sense of purpose. And my concern for you, well, I just acted on what I felt. It’s not like I forced you. And you didn’t mind it.” Wally seemed to study him. “Until now.”
Shad felt as though a dozen emotions were wrestling around inside him, too tangled up to sort out. “I’ve minded it ever since I finally came to understand that you used me to satisfy yourself.”
“Used?” Wally shook his head. “I’ll admit I made a mistake. I shouldn’t have done it. But I mean it when I say I cared for you. It broke my heart when your mom told me to pack up and move out.”
“If your interest in me had been anything more than physical, you wouldn’t have so easily left me there.”
“It wasn’t easy! I missed you a lot. Thought about you for a long time.”
“Before or after you found another boy to diddle?”
Wally’s expression registered mild shock. “I’m not one of those perps who hang around playgrounds with a bag of candy and a tube of lubricant.”
“Why waste your time at playgrounds when you can find an easier child within your circle of family or friends to, as you put it, take care of?”
Wally studied him for several seconds before continuing. “It was a phase. After I had to leave I realized that what we did wasn’t ... what we should have done. It wasn’t really something I wanted to do for the rest of my life. It was more like ... an experiment. I was still figuring out who I was. Just because we did that a few times doesn’t mean I’ve done it for life.”
“Three years does not equal a few times.”
“A few years then. I’m not the same person I used to be. I’m settled down now. I’m even married.” Wally held up his left hand to display an ornate gold band. “I let my picture be put in the paper, as you pointed out, because I don’t have anything to fear or to hide. Don’t condemn me on a misjudgment I made in my youth.”
“Pedophilia isn’t a misjudgment. It’s a psychosexual disorder than doesn’t just go away.”
“I thought so.” Wally nodded. “You’ve put me in a category, made an armchair diagnosis without consulting me. What happened with you hasn’t been going on for all my life.”
“Who in their right mind would be attracted to a child?” More conflicting emotions tumbled inside Shad.
“A confused young man who probably isn’t in his right mind at the time. Listen, what is it you want from me? A settlement?” Wally’s eyes narrowed. “All you’d accomplish is tearing my life apart by dragging me into court. I know you can’t be so angry at me you’d put yourself through that kind of hell just to make me suffer. Extortion, then? Who here is the lawyer?”
Shad frowned. “I’ll do whatever it takes to end the suffering of others.”
“What others?” Wally leaned forward. “My wife? Your wife? Aren’t they innocent? Do you really want to drag them through the chaos you’d put them through?”
Shad realized Wally must have noticed the plain gold band he wore on his own left ring finger. “I know single mothers with young sons aren’t that hard to come by. Why did you marry an older woman with grown sons?”
“Excuse me?”
“Have you decided the gaming store is a better place to pick up new victims?”
“Victims?” Wally leaned back in his chair again. “First, I keep telling you I haven’t done anything like that since your mom threw me out. Second, I can’t believe you would think of yourself as a victim. I never forced you to do anything. In fact, there were times you were the one who started something.”
Wally’s accusation was a bad, bad sign. “I was a child behaving like a child. You were the one interpreting my actions the way you wanted to.”
Wally shook his head. “You’ve bought into the hysteria.”
A chill settled over Shad. “Are you about to tell me that adults and children should have equal access to each other? Are you gonna give me the spin that children should be given the right to express their affection physically?”
“No, no, of course not. But there is a hysteria out there. These days a teacher can’t even put an arm around a student as comfort without getting fired. People condemn everything in one broad sweep rather than looking at individual situations. What happened to you was one situation –”
“Three years.”
“You were the only one.” Wally leveled his gaze with Shad’s. “I was wrong to bring you into my confusion, I suppose, but I never meant you harm. I never did you any harm. So you got some experience maybe a little younger than some other kids. People will experiment, play around. I did nothing worse to you than kids often do with each other anyway.”
“Oh, you did more.” Shad’s eyes narrowed. “Those were no innocent games of playing doctor. You also robbed me of freedom of choice. It wasn’t my choice as a child to engage in the kind of activity that as an adult I would choose to save for my wife. You used me for your own pleasure, plain and simple.”
Wally shook his head. “It didn’t bother you then. It only bothers you now because others have convinced you that you’re supposed to feel ashamed by what happened. Probably have some religious guilt built in there, too. Remember, I was barely more than a kid myself.”
“What was your motivation to change? What steps did you take to bring about that change?”
Wally stared at him for a few seconds before replying. “I don’t go looking for boys. I know who I am now. What happened with us is in the past and has nothing to do with the present.”
“You didn’t answer the questions.”
“Here’s a question.” Wally leaned forward again. “Are you still beating your wife?” In the couple of seconds that Wally waited for his words to soak in, Shad felt a sickening sensation almost like nausea sweep through him. “You see, not all questions have a simple answer. I went through a process, a journey. I can’t recount it off the top of my head because I didn’t have a problem I was dealing with methodically.”
Lies. Bald-faced lies. Shad knew too much about the challenges of pedophilia to accept any of Wally’s claims. He also had studied too much about molestation to doubt his conclusion about Wally.
“If I was so special and the only one, how is it you were able to abandon me so easily?” Shad still tried to pry out a sliver of truth. “You never came back to check up on me or try to reconnect in any way.”
“You got to remember I was still pretty young at the time. I didn’t know what I was doing. And after what we’d done, well, I kind of figured it would be best if we stayed away from each other.”
“You knew what that woman was like. I was practically gift-wrapped for you. Did you really think you could leave me with her and I’d be fine?” An irritation Shad hadn’t experienced in a long time began squirming to the surface of tangled emotions.
“I guess I just figured ... she’d find somebody else to take care of you.”
“Take care of me?” Shad’s voice rumbled lower than he’d expected. “The parade of men that passed through her bed convinced me we didn’t need to keep our relationship such a secret. She did nothing to stop them when I was punched and kicked and burned and strangled.” Shad caught himself. Something too much like rage threatened to break to the surface, and he drew a deep breath to quash the writhing emotions back into the depths of his soul.
Wally stared at him for a few seconds before responding. “Then why are you on my doorstep instead of theirs?”
“Abuse is abuse but the nature of yours is especially pernicious.” Shad was relieved to hear that his voice wasn’t so low anymore. “Yours is one case where I might be able to save the future for others.”
“From what?” Wally sat up. “You rate the care I gave you as worse than the beatings those cretins dished out? You really have been swept up in a witch hunt if you think I’m more dangerous than they are.”
“The ramifications of abuse are all the same, no matter what form it takes.”
“That’s ridiculous. I didn’t abuse you.” Wally leaned forward. “Honestly, Shadow –”
The growl erupted from Shad without warning. “Don’t call me that.”
Wally’s eyes widened for a second before he nodded. “All right. But just think about it. Everything I did with you was an act of love. Everything those bastards did to you was an act of violence.”
“Acting on a sexual impulse doesn’t equal love.”
“I was always careful. Made sure I didn’t hurt you.”
“How gentle you are doesn’t change the confusion, the helplessness, the betrayal felt by those boys.”
“Dammit!” Wally hissed, and the expletive sparked a flash of alarm in Shad as they always did. But then Wally drew a visible breath and leaned back in his chair. “How can I possibly prove a negative to you? There are no other boys. It was you and me. That’s all. If you think you need to come riding in here on some great white horse, you’re wrong.”
“The odds you changed are not in your favor.”
The two men stared at each other for a few seconds, and then Wally shifted in his seat and briefly glanced down before returning his attention to Shad.
“Can’t you at least agree that people can change?”
Of course people could change. Shad himself was living proof that a person’s life course could change a whole one hundred eighty degrees. But Wally had given him nothing to suggest the man had made such changes. Instead, Wally refused to take responsibility for his actions. And his arguments in defense of this “phase” Wally insisted he was done with rang too much like the activist arguments Shad had become familiar with.
And pedophilia didn’t just go away. Wally’s claims of experimentation might even suggest that his condition coexisted with other paraphilias like fetishism or voyeurism, which was commonly the case. All psychotherapeutic studies confirmed it was a markedly pervasive disorder that persistently defied eradication. Wally was still a liar.
“People can change,” Shad replied. “But you aren’t one of them.”
“Why won’t you believe me?”
Shad frowned. “I didn’t become a lawyer on a whim. In a way, I have you to thank for my choice of profession. And if I want to see to it that people like you get put away, I have to know what to look for.”
Wally stared at him for a few seconds before replying. “Don’t assume you know everything. You can’t judge me based on books you’ve read. If you bring up charges because you think I still do that stuff, you won’t be saving innocent lives. You’ll be tearing them apart. I admit we shouldn’t have done what we did, but otherwise you have to admit that I did take care of you. On the basis that I was always kind to you, can you at least show a little kindness to me now?”
“You abused me and then you abandoned me. The kindness was just to facilitate getting what you wanted.”
“I didn’t know any better. Your mom made me leave. How many times do I have to say that? I was young and I was stupid. After all, I didn’t come from such a great background myself, you know.”
Part of what Wally said echoed in Shad’s memory. Considering his own background, if Mam and Pap hadn’t brought him in and taught Shad to bend to divine will, his own will would have led him to a much darker place. And Shad could have believed that what he was doing wasn’t really harmful ... just like Wally. It was unsettling they could have that much in common, yet there remained one glaring difference between them even if Wally ever did overcome his disorder.
“Is this the part where you claim you were molested too?” Shad asked in a flat monotone, but he could feel the prickling of something unpleasant beneath the question.
Wally seemed to study him for a few seconds before replying. “There was this cousin who would babysit me. I think he was just ... a confused young man. I don’t harbor any ill will toward him. In fact, I’m glad to see that he moved on with his life, too. Went out and got married. Actually a couple of times, I think. Had kids of his own.”
A ripple of nausea swelled inside Shad. “And you continued to keep his secret, I presume.”
“I didn’t feel the need to rip up his life.” Wally’s gaze seemed to sharpen on Shad. “Have you told anybody ... about me?”
If a bowlful of water left out in the depth of winter, when night temperatures would plunge below zero, could feel the water freeze so hard the container would break, Shad could relate to what that might feel like. A flicker of panic that seemed to hold off the impending hard freeze warned him not to answer that question at its face value.
At least he’d had many “dark watches of the night” when Shad spoke to the only other One who was there. “Yes.”
Wally frowned slightly. “Is this supposed to be part of some kind of therapy you’ve been through?”
“The one thing you and I agree on is that this doesn’t concern us anymore. But I can’t allow you to continue.”
“Continue what?” Wally sat up. “Do you intend to file a complaint against me?”
Shad grappled for a response. Maybe Wally wasn’t entirely familiar with the law, or maybe Wally had already done the math and knew Shad could only file a civil suit against him. But unless Shad hired a private investigator to tail Wally, which also wasn’t an option, he had no evidence to prove Wally was lying to him.
The truth actually turned out to be his best answer. “I don’t know yet what I’m gonna do with you.”
“So you admit it?” Wally leaned forward. “You don’t need to rip our lives apart by accusing me of something I’m not doing?”
Shad decided he’d reached his saturation point. There was no way he was going to extract a confession from Wally, and this conversation would only continue going in circles. He wished he hadn’t come here. Shad wished he’d never opened that newspaper on the train.
“I’ve got nothing else to say to you,” Shad said bluntly as he got to his feet.
Wally’s eyes widened. “You’re leaving?”
“We’re done.”
The man scrambled to his feet as Shad turned away from the desk. “That’s it? You’re going to leave just like that? You aren’t going to give me any explanation? You’re just going to leave me hanging?”
Shad hesitated at the door and glanced back at Wally. When the man had left that seedy apartment over twenty years ago, he left during the night while Shad was asleep. The boy had been given no warning of his departure. Shad had simply awakened to discover that Wally was gone.
“And that still doesn’t make us even.” Shad stepped out the door.
