Текст книги "Fable of happiness book two"

Автор книги: Pepper winters

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I followed him. “Why? Why shouldn’t I? I promised you I’d help you get better.”

His hand struck up, barring me from chasing any further. “I’ve changed my mind.” His face twisted as if he swallowed something painful, as if his heart had forgotten how to beat. Rubbing his chest, he growled, “I think it’s best if you go. I don’t need your help anymore.”

Without waiting for me to reply, he vanished into the darkness of the foyer, disappearing into a mansion that’d watched too many children been broken down, twisted up, and spat out into despair.

I swayed to go after him.

I locked my knees and forbade it.

I’d let him go, nursing the new wounds he’d given me, dragging myself to the bathroom where I’d endured an icy shower. I hadn’t cried while I dressed in a powder-blue nightgown with a lace collar and spaghetti straps. I didn’t give in to the pressure as I shrugged into my hoodie and crawled under my stolen blankets to lay staring at the stars.

And even now, even with hours between this moment and that, I still refused to give in to the crush of agony that Kas was so skilled at delivering.

I sighed for the millionth time.

Enough, Gem.

Just...enough.

I sat up.

On nights like this at home, I’d get up and either scroll through some climbing forums or go for a climb. I had a twenty-four-hour pass to my local bouldering gym. I’d often haunt the slabs and be found repeating routes at six in the morning when other people would arrive for a session.

God, I want to climb.

I tipped my head back and looked once more at the sky. A little overcast but no rain. It would be a perfect night for a workout. I could slip into my gear and grab my climbing shoes and find something in which to take out my loneliness.

The urge to go rushed through me.

Kas wanted me to leave?

Maybe he was right.

Perhaps, I should leave for the night. Regardless that my body was exhausted from firewood gathering, I had a well of nervousness and unsatisfied desire.

A small climb, even just halfway up the cliff, would do wonders for my peace of mind.

Do it.

Scooting out of the blankets, I darted through the games room and into the library. There, I found my rucksack sitting by the desk. The food and chocolate bars remained in the downstairs closet, but my ropes, quickdraws, and other equipment had never been unpacked.

Kneeling beside it, I unzipped the heavy bag and rifled through my gear.

The instant my fingers touched the nylon rope and the cool metal of the carabiners, my heart panged for an easier existence. Homesickness filled me, and tears pricked my eyes.

The dry smell of chalk and the slight whiff of my climbing shoes brought back so many memories of Joshua and me arguing late at night. How he called me reckless when I regaled tales of almost tumbling off an 8A boulder with no crash mat. Of my mother curling her nose with confusion as I tried to show her how my new harness worked. Of Katie, my closest friend, when we challenged each other to speed climbing and both came in woefully slow.

I sat back on my heels, struggling not to cry.

What were they doing now?

Was anyone still looking for me?

Where was Josh? Did he gather a search party, or was he too used to his wild sister disappearing on some rock expedition, only to pop back up online with a new video, perfectly fine?

I was guilty of not corresponding very well when I was on the road.

Once, I’d gone two weeks without messaging anyone. Too caught up in the present moment, camping at the base of a tall cliff, editing my videos by solar charger at night, and generally being selfish with my time, cutting everyone out until I was ready to re-enter society.

Oh, God.

I hugged the sudden cramp in my belly.

Maybe that was why no helicopters had scanned the area or why no hint of a rescue party had appeared. Maybe Joshua had just rolled his eyes at my vanishing act—conditioned to expect me to randomly appear on his doorstep, covered in mud, tired from living in a tent, gushing with stories of stone that he couldn’t care less about.

He probably thought I would’ve activated my locator beacon if I was in any real danger. The very same beacon he’d watched me buy when we’d gone shopping together. He’d listened to the same lesson I had as the shopkeeper told me how to use it, when to activate it, and what to do if I ever needed help.

Perhaps I’d been a product of my own capabilities, just like Kas.

I’d bought all the gear and invested in all the skills, convincing those around me that I was perfectly safe and not to worry. Now I’d been left to my own devices, just like I’d wanted. Just like Kas had been forgotten by those he’d fought to save. Hadn’t he taught those he loved that he was strong enough to commit murder, to bury bodies, and to do the unthinkable to get them out? His family wouldn’t have viewed him as a boy who needed caring for but a hero who was invincible.

Perhaps that was why they never came back for him? Believing he’d already left and was achieving the impossible somewhere, not needing them to have his back.

Sucking in a shaky breath, I reached for my video recorder, tucked up safe in a fleece at the bottom of my bag.

The urge to climb vanished beneath a crippling urgency to see my brother. To hear him. To remind myself that I was loved, even if I currently lived with a man determined to prove otherwise.

Turning on the recorder, I skimmed through the data currently saved on the memory card. A few climbs were on there, along with a couple of shots of Katie as I taught her a higher grade.

Ah, there.

Taken a few months ago at my home.

A rare afternoon when Josh and my mother had popped round. I’d been excited and nervous to host my family. I’d cleaned my house until everything sparkled. I’d bought a cake mix and done my best to have perfect cupcakes ready for when they arrived.

It hadn’t quite gone to plan.

A small smile tugged my lips as I pressed play and sat cross-legged on the floor. It’d been a spur-of-the-moment video. My recorder had been next to me in the kitchen when they’d arrived, and I’d had a sudden urge to immortalize my crazy, joking brother before he got married, grew serious, and stopped teasing me.

“Hey, my favorite Gemstone, what’s up?” Joshua strode through my front door without knocking. He sniffed the air like a bloodhound. “Ohhh, do I smell sugar?”

“You do indeed, and they’re not ready yet, so stay out of my kitchen.” My voice sailed through the air, my hands keeping the video steady on his face.

He narrowed his matching hazel eyes, a glint appearing. “Not allowed in your kitchen, you say?” He stalked me, his arms bent in front of him and hands forming into claws. “You should know by now not to tempt me with rules. I just have to break them.”

The video jiggled as I backed up, my laugh pure and simple. “Oh no, you don’t, Joshykins.”

His nose wrinkled. “You know I hate that nickname.”

“Too bad.”

“I’m gonna get you.”

“Don’t you dare. Stay back.”

He roared like a T-Rex, waving his arms around like an idiot. “Fear me, pathetic human.”

“Get a grip.” I snickered. “Mom!” My mother entered my home, swinging off her handbag and placing it on the side table by the door. “Tell him to stop being a douche.”

“Rarrrrrr!” Josh gnashed his teeth together.

My mother rolled her eyes. “Gosh, you two can never just be normal together, can you?”

“Nope!” My brother winked before turning back toward me with an annoying smirk. “Get running, Gemstone.”

“You’ll ruin my cupcakes!”

Joshua snarled like a dinosaur again and launched himself at me.

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CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

I COULDN’T DAMN WELL sleep.

I’d hoped, after a day of heavy lifting and labor, that I’d crash the moment I entered the dorm. But my thoughts were swimming, my temper was short, and every inch of me snarled with hunger to finish what I’d started with Gemma in the garden.

Having her stay with me while I’d cooked dinner had grated on my nerves, and sharing a silent meal in the dining room had pushed me closer to my limit. Every moment in her company had become harder and harder, all while a conclusion formed from smoke to solid.

A conclusion that’d been floating in my head ever since this afternoon. Ever since she hacked off the chain and ensured we were no longer tethered. No longer bound against her will.

Free.

I’d watched her as we gathered wood. I’d seen her looking at me with desire in her eyes, occasionally opening her mouth to talk before pressing her lips together as if she didn’t know where to start.

I’d wanted to talk too.

I’d wanted to apologize.

To ask if she was okay.

But the words lodged in my throat, slowly sliding into my stomach where they putrefied.

I couldn’t understand how she wasn’t running—regardless of her assurances that she wouldn’t.

I was in constant pain, waiting for the moment she took off, never to be seen again.

Every hour that she stayed did something to me.

Every minute that she watched me prepare dinner had confirmed what I’d already known had to happen.

I’d been alone for eleven years. I’d had Gemma for only a few weeks.

Yet all it’d taken was a single afternoon to change everything. Or at least, I thought it was a single afternoon. Who knew where my head had been when we’d shared a bath together the night before? What had we discussed? What promises had we given? Had I already reached the conclusion that, despite my selfishness at wanting to keep her, my conscience could no longer condone it?

I couldn’t remember the moment my heart switched loyalties.

I couldn’t remember yesterday...but today? Today had affected me to the point where I was done with all of this. Done with keeping her prisoner. Done with pretending I felt nothing.

I couldn’t do this anymore because I wanted her so fucking much.

I wanted her more than I wanted to keep my secrets. I wanted her with every breath, ensuring my very existence switched from me to her.

It felt as if the switch had happened in a flash, but really, it’d been creeping over me ever since that first fateful day.

I hadn’t wanted to admit it. I’d buried it like all my other unwanted thoughts, but tonight, I couldn’t hide from reality anymore.

The truth of how I felt was undeniable, unexplainable, and went against all my convictions that I would never have the strength to love again.

Turned out, my heart was a liar.

And it made me fucking sick to think how I’d treated her—treated her the same way I’d been treated with no remorse, no kindness. I’d fed off my vengeance and justified my actions every time I forced myself upon her.

I’d shut down the human pieces of me, the parts that recognized what she could become. I’d done my best to fight the inevitable.

But now? Christ, now I felt that guilt, that remorse. I felt it like a hammer, smashing my skull, my heart, my bones.

I wanted to take everything back.

I wanted to confess that she’d yanked out my heart and claimed it for her own. That having her care for me for weeks, nursing a concussed asshole with the temper of a bear and the history of a brutalized boy, had finally snapped me into pieces.

She’d systematically turned me against myself.

And it’d all come to a head as she willingly, happily, worked beside me, hauling armfuls of wood, wiping sweat off her brow as she stacked neat rows for winter, helping me prepare for a season where everything died.

Each winter, I’d always hoped I’d die.

I didn’t have the balls to slit my wrists or starve myself to death, but winter did offer a roulette of existence. All it would take was to walk outside in the dark with no clothing. To lie in the snow. To go to sleep. It wouldn’t be quick, but at least it would be over.

Winter was when my will to stop surviving became vicious and cruel.

But this winter wouldn’t be like that.

I would have company. Her company. I would have a body to snuggle up with. A girl to talk to. A lover who I would do anything to make happy.

And wasn’t that the fucking kicker?

I finally accepted that I couldn’t live without her. I wouldn’t be able to face another endless blizzard where ice coated everything and loneliness ate my very soul.

I couldn’t do it.

I wouldn’t survive another winter on my own.

Which meant I was choosing to end myself because she couldn’t stay here.

She couldn’t be trapped in this valley with me when the snow arrived and covered everything in thick white. She couldn’t exist in this house while my mind slowly disintegrated into nothing.

The amnesia would only get worse.

The blackouts could last for years.

I was a menace, a danger, and I would never be able to live with myself if I hurt her again.

I was her enemy, even if she no longer saw it.

I was her killer, even as she worked beside me and didn’t run.

She has to leave.

The moment she’d hacked off the chain, I’d known it.

The second she asked me to touch her harder, I’d crumpled inside because I finally knew that the kid inside me—the kid who’d sacrificed everything for those he loved—was still in there. Still fighting to be good, even if he’d disappeared for a while.

All it’d taken was Gemma choosing me, showing me that I could be wanted, preparing to help me survive a brutal season, and she’d resurrected a piece of me that I’d thought was long dead.

A piece that’d died the moment my family left and never came back.

A piece I didn’t want anymore.

I didn’t want to be the martyr. I didn’t want to put her needs before my own. I needed her help harvesting, prepping, and weatherproofing for the snow, I knew that.

But now? Christ, now I wouldn’t be able to accept her help. Because that damn piece of me that should’ve stayed dead was back. It was her fault. Her fault for being so fucking wonderful.

I hadn’t stood a chance, had I?

I didn’t stand a chance in hell of not falling for her kindness, empathy, and understanding.

But now I had a problem.

A massive, hellish problem.

I couldn’t put her in harm’s way. I couldn’t allow her to stay because I couldn’t guarantee her safety. Thanks to that part of me that still wanted to be good, I was choosing, once again, to do whatever it took to protect those I loved.

Which meant I...

Ah, fuck...

I love her.

I slammed to a stop in the dark corridor as horror slipped through me.

I.

Love.

Her.

She’d cracked my shields and ruined my mental walls.

She’d brought me right to the edge where my past and present did its best to merge.

I loved her, and that was the worst thing I could ever do.

I buried my face in my hands.

Why?

Why did this have to happen?

Why did she have to find me? Care for me? Be so goddamn perfect?

How was I supposed to say goodbye after weeks of admitting there was no way in hell I could ever let her go? How could my thoughts suddenly flip from selfishness to doing the right thing?

Schizophrenic, Kas.

I groaned.

No, I didn’t think this was a symptom of psychosis. This was just me. A product of doing whatever it took to keep those I loved safe.

I’d condemned myself to a childhood of rape and abuse, taking as much pain as I could to shelter those I loved. And now, now I finally had a chance at being happy with someone strong enough to stand up to me, and I couldn’t allow her to stay.

I wouldn’t.

Because if I did...she’d die.

Because of me.

All my prior possession slipped away.

She wasn’t mine to keep.

She was never mine to keep.

I swallowed hard, rubbing my temples to ease my constant headache.

She had to go.

There was no other option for her.

Because I fucking love her.

And I won’t hurt her again.

I swallowed another groan, forcing myself to keep walking. I’d been up for the past hour, patroling the hallways of Fables, skulking in the shadows, hunting bastards who might hurt the woman I’d fallen head over fucking heels in love with.

That was my sole purpose now.

To guard her, watch over her, protect her from everything...including me.

I shuddered as I cut through the rear of the house, padding barefoot past the laundry and surveillance room. What happened in the garden returned to haunt me. How incredible it’d been to sink inside her while pinning her against the wall. How she’d kissed me back. How she’d reacted to my touch, my tongue, my everything.

She’d made me feel wanted.

Real.

I remembered now.

I remembered who I’d been when I’d had a family to care for.

I remembered how nothing was more important than their welfare.

She’d shown me how good it could be between us. How right it felt to have her in my arms, willing and smiling, panting and squirming. How I could finally have someone to call my own after a decade of nothing.

She’d welcomed me.

All of me, and God, I wanted that.

But you can’t have it.

It didn’t matter she’d consumed me body and soul. When she was in my arms and my body was deep within hers, I lost the ability to keep my walls up.

I slammed to another stop, recalling the sensation of having no barrier between my present and past. There’d been no labyrinth to hide in. No fortress in which to block certain things.

My mind had been open.

My memories stark and ready to swarm.

For the first time in my life, I’d had the urge to give words to the sickness inside me.

And that would not have ended well for her.

A noise wrenched my head up.

My ears pricked as ice slid down my spine.

A voice.

A masculine voice.

Fuck!

I bolted.

I grabbed the walls and hurled myself through Fables, chasing the man’s voice, panic overflowing that they’d hurt her. Touched her. Trapped her.

Gem!

A male laughter echoed through Fables.

Flickers of Storymaker and Levin and all the other men who’d hurt me swamped my mind.

My gut twisted as I bolted through the foyer and skidded into the library.

I slammed to a stop.

Gemma.

She sat cross-legged on the floor with a bunch of rope, metal, and climbing gear before her. Her head was bowed, and a sound, half a laugh, half a cry, spilled from her lips. With her back to me, I couldn’t see what she held in her hands, but the voice came again.

A stranger.

A male I didn’t know.

An enemy I needed to protect her from.

Stalking forward, I jerked as Gem’s head suddenly swung to face me, her eyes flaring wide, her hands latching around something black and large. “Kas. Crap, you scared me.” Her shoulders rolled with relief, a tentative smile on her face. Her gaze slid over my naked chest, lingering on the waistband of my jeans. Heat sparked in her eyes as her cheeks pinked. “Where the hell did you come from? What are you doing up? Did I wake you? I’m sorry if I—”

The voice came again.

“Who the hell is that?” My legs moved on their own accord, shooting forward. I almost kicked her over as I stumbled to a halt and dropped to my haunches, my attention locking onto the video playing in her hands.

There, on a tiny screen, was Gemma dressed in a yellow skirt and white T-shirt. Her golden hair glimmered in the sun, and her radiant smile lit up from within.

And she was in some asshole’s arms.

An asshole who whirled her around and threatened to throw her to the ground, only to toss her over his shoulder instead.

My temper soared, breaking through my barriers, ensuring I was seconds away from snapping. “Who the fuck is touching you?”

She flinched, studying me instead of the video. Whatever she saw on my face made her slip to her knees and angle herself toward the sharp letter opener resting on the desk above her.

My heart panged that she was unsettled enough to reach for a weapon, but my fury fired through me, uncontrolled. “Tell me who the hell is holding you.” My knuckles cracked as I flexed my hands, activating pain from cuts and bruises I didn’t remember how I earned.

She licked her lips, her voice breathy and wary. “It’s my brother. Joshua. He, eh...he likes to throw me around. To prove that even though I can bench press more than him in the gym, he can still toss me like a soccer ball.”

“He’s your brother?” I snatched the device from her, drinking in the sight of a shaggy lawn, a purple-painted house, and a laughing, carefree Gemma in the arms of another man.

I didn’t fucking care if they were related.

It wasn’t about that.

It was about her happiness.

How she glowed with it, burst with it. Her laughter clear and unafraid. Her face tipped up to the sun as Joshua lowered her carefully to the ground, then tickled her waist before snapping upright and running. Gemma shot to her feet and chased him, threatening to kick his ass all while absolute affection beamed on her face.

Whoever was recording chuckled and turned the camera on themselves, revealing an older woman who Gemma would resemble in forty years’ time. Wrinkles around her heavy, saddened eyes, and lips a bit too pink with lipstick. Sunshine twinkled on her graying gold hair, granting her beauty even if her grief tried to steal it. “Children.” The woman rolled her brown eyes. “Who would have ’em?” She sighed heavily, her sadness so obvious after witnessing Gemma’s squeals of joy before Joshua spun back into the frame and ripped the recorder from the woman’s hands.

Angling it up at himself, he winked and ran a hand through his dark blond hair.

I could see the family resemblance. He and Gemma could’ve been twins.

“My dear ole mother is only complaining because Gem is such a bad cook. She burned the cupcakes she was baking for us.” He ducked suddenly as Gemma reappeared, snatching the camera and angling it on herself. “Lies! He deliberately picked me up, dragged me out of my house, and proceeded to demand a cash allowance for being a jerk.” She sniffed and bolted around the garden, still holding the camera as Joshua chased her, filling up the view behind. “You ruined those cupcakes, Joshykins, not me!”

“Grrrr. Come back here, sparkly Gemstone. I deserve payment for being your sibling, and you owe me for that ridiculous nickname. Who else puts up with you and your midnight texts about you going off on some boulder hunt, huh? Piss me off, and you have no one!”

“Oh, you love it,” she yelled back. “Admit it. You have no one else to bother you at midnight ’cause you suck at women!”

“I do not.”

“Do too!”

“Argh, you wait!” He sped up and launched himself on her. The camera went flying, sending the video spinning before it crashed into the grass and filmed the two squabbling siblings sideways in the dirt.

“Pay me a million dollars, or else I’ll...I’ll post online that you’d rather kiss a frog than go out with anyone who shows a tiny amount of interest in you!”

Gemma squirmed and pinched him hard in the side. “Excuse me if I have standards and don’t just hump anyone who smiles at me.” She giggled—a sound I’d never heard, never earned—and added, “Not that you succeed in even doing that. Like I said, totally pathetic in love.”

“Now, now.” Their mother walked toward the camera, plucking it from the grass and zooming in on the two demented siblings as they rolled onto their backs, kicking each other like toddlers. “Don’t kill each other over cupcakes. And Gem, don’t pick on your brother. He’s not pathetic in love.”

“He’s demanding money for that very reason.” Gem laughed loudly. “Tell you what. I’ll give you twenty thousand if you go out with my friend who’s been ogling you for months.”

“Katie?” Joshua wrinkled his nose. “She could kick my ass in her sleep. I’m not safe.”

“I could kick your ass. And do.” Gemma winked.

“Yeah, and that’s why I don’t like you. Climber girls are weird.”

“You like me. You lurve me!”

“Only if you pay me to!” Joshua threw himself back on her with an animalistic roar. “I’ll show you just how much I’m worth, Gemstone. A far sight more than you, that’s for sure. I mean, who’s calling who pathetic when you choose rocks over a man and can’t bake to save your life?” He grabbed a handful of grass and stuffed it down her T-shirt, making her squeal. “Not to mention a girl who’s too cheap to buy a lawnmower and actually do some gardening!”

“Okay, that’s enough. The neighbors will talk.” The video suddenly cut off as if their mother had turned off the recorder and gone to discipline her children.

I tripped backward, falling on my ass and finding it hard to breathe.

Shit.

Shit.

Shit!

Icy claws sliced my back as panic quickly flooded my bloodstream.

Gem’s laughter still rang in my ears. Growing louder and louder, a direct contradiction to the heavy silence in the darkened library.

I couldn’t...

I can’t breathe.

My heart felt like it would explode from my chest. I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t handle seeing what she’d been like. How carefree she’d been. How light and young and happy.

Before me.

Before I’d imprisoned her, used her, dimmed out the light that’d been so wonderfully bright inside her.

I’d done more than just captured her—I’d snuffed out that light inside her. I’d done so many unforgivable things, but that? God...that was the worst.

I’d changed her.

I’d made her sad and scared and—

“Fuck!” I launched to my feet and backed away, tripping into Storymaker’s throne as vertigo hit me. Gemma’s giggle, her light-hearted wonderful goddamn giggle, continued to echo in my ears.

I drove both hands into my hair, ignoring my broken arm twingeing, doing my best to yank that giggle free. To rip out everything I’d ever done to her. Doing my best to ignore who I’d been, what I was, and what I’d become because of her.

I growled at nothing. At everything.

I wanted to kill Storymaker and all the Fable guests all over again for taking my one chance at happiness and stealing it before I’d even had a chance to try.

“Kas? Kas, what is it? What’s wrong?” Gem swooped to her feet, placing her recorder on the desk beside the letter opener. I waited for her to grab the weapon. I wanted her to. I wanted her to be armed and threaten me. To force me to keep my distance all while I fucking unraveled.

But she didn’t.

She came toward me, arms open, worry blazing in her stare. Worry for me. Kindness for me. So brave. So forgiving, yet...no sign of that effortless happiness she’d had with her brother, in her home, far, far away from me.

I wanted to be sick.

I wanted to run.

Instead, I shot out of the chair and stumbled backward. My legs locked, and I slammed against the wall. The same wall where my blood stained the wallpaper and signs of an earlier breakdown whispered through my memories.

I flinched as something teased on the outskirts of my thoughts.

Something black and grave; something I didn’t want to recall.

“Stay away from me, Gem.” I braced myself, twitching with determination, doing my best to keep my memories at bay.

“It’s okay.” She held up her hands, acting as if I were a cougar about to attack. “I keep forgetting that all of this will be so new to you. You’ve lived in the place without TV or movies. You’ve probably never seen a home video before—”

“It’s not that.” I bit out, doing my best to get control of my hurt, my temper, the part of me still so fucking possessive of her. “I know what a video is.”

Panic licked through me, building into an attack. My nostrils flared, inhaling too fast, doing my best not to give in to a blackout that could arrive at any second because she was too much. Far, far too much for my pitiful mind to handle.

God, she’d been so happy.

So free.

She’d had everything I’d always wanted. A family who joked and jested. A sibling who was whole and not scarred. A home that protected and kept her safe at night instead of housed a hundred monsters.

I was jealous.

So fucking jealous.

And I was also horrified.

Horrified that I’d changed her from a giggling, happy woman into one who watched me as if her very life was on the line.

Which it was.

I was so, so close to snapping.

I could feel it.

The looseness of my psyche.

The shadows of my past.

The hissing memories just waiting to snatch me.

She touched me.

I sucked in a tattered groan.

She cupped my cheek and interrupted my chaos, and...

And I couldn’t stop myself.

Grabbing her by the wrist, I spun her around and shoved her against the wall.

She let out a little squeak as I placed my palm on her sternum, keeping her trapped. Her eyes widened, the hazel color swirling with golds and greens, hesitation and wariness but no fear, no hate.

“How do you do it?” I hissed. “How do you look at me like that after everything I’ve done?”

She flinched, locking her fingers around my wrist where my hand pinned her against the wall. Licking her lips, she whispered, “Because I see you.”

“But you don’t. You don’t see. You don’t know. Not really.”

“I know enough.”

“But you don’t.” I bared my teeth. “You don’t understand that it’s fucking killing me knowing you’re not safe around me. That I lie in bed at night, wanting you so damn much, but not knowing how to treat you. I’m terrified that any moment, I’ll snap and hurt you. I’m afraid, Gem. All the goddamn time. I’m afraid because one kiss from you, a single passing touch, and my mind is no longer mine to control. It lets go. It remembers. And when it remembers, I blank.” I added more weight to my hand, driving her harder against the wall. “I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I feel like I’m going around in circles. I want to keep you, but I can’t. I need you to go, but I honestly don’t know how to say goodbye. But you have to go. You need to leave because I’ve gone and done something really fucking stupid.” I cut myself off, panting hard.

She trembled in my hold, her tongue wetting her bottom lip. “What have you done?” True fear licked through her stare. “What did you do, Kas?”

I slid my hand from her sternum to her throat, closing my fingers around the column of muscle. “Something that I can’t undo. Something that means you can’t stay here anymore.”

She went unnervingly still, highly aware of my fingers locked around her neck. “Kas...”

“I’m not well,” I groaned, part of me loving her sudden wariness and the other part screaming to stop. Two sides of me. Two sides that would forever rule and condemn me. “I think you already know that though, don’t you?” I ran my thumb over her silky skin, seeing faint bruises from the previous times I’d hurt her.

How many marks had I left on her?

How many souvenirs of ownership that were never meant to be given?

“Kas, look at me,” she murmured, twisting her head a little, asking silently for me to release my grip. I loosened my hold, even though it cost me. Even though I continued to battle between the good and the bad and the monster inside me.