Текст книги "Fable of happiness book two"

Автор книги: Pepper winters

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Текущая страница: 19 (всего у книги 25 страниц)

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CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

I’D FINALLY DIED AND somehow snuck my way into heaven.

It was the only explanation for what just happened.

I dared not move.

I was too shit-terrified of breaking whatever hallucination this was. Because it had to be a dream. This couldn’t be real. That couldn’t have happened. No fucking way would she ever initiate sex between us. And not just initiate but participate so vocally, so physically, with her entire godforsaken soul.

My heart raced, speeding up instead of calming down after the best release of my life. The longer I lay with her flopped on my chest in a bath beneath the stars, the more I panicked.

This reminded me of the book I’d read, the one responsible for me dragging a bath out here in the first place. The lovers in those pages had fucked beneath the moon. They’d napped together and whispered their devotion and then they’d climbed out, hand in hand, to chase their destiny.

I swallowed hard.

I wanted that.

So fucking much.

But no way could that happen...could it?

When I dared to look down, my eyes drank in the sight of Gemma sprawled over me—her knees wedged against the side of the bath, her breasts above the waterline, and her head lolled to the side and resting against my throat.

My T-shirt had floated up, exposing most of my belly with its padlocked chain, my jeans were barely shoved down my thighs, and my cock twitched rhythmically, as if checking it was still inside her, still locking us together, still preparing to stay in a dream rather than return to reality.

Slowly, she raised her head and looked at me. Her hazel stare was pure molten lust and satisfaction. “Hi...”

My heart skipped a beat.

She was stunning when she was sated. Loose and languid, looking deliciously well fucked.

I closed my eyes and shook my head.

This isn’t real.

I’d snapped.

I’d finally snapped and couldn’t wake up.

I didn’t want to wake up.

“Are you okay?” She twisted in my arms, causing us to disengage, leaving my chest hollow and achy. Lying over me, she cupped my face with her hands and stared at me so kindly, so sweetly, I felt fucking tears try to crawl into my eyes.

If this was real...if this truly happened, I honestly didn’t know how I’d ever go back to being who I was.

This changed fucking everything.

Every moment, every day, every year of my life was now hers.

A wave of possession, obsession, and absolute fear rose for this gorgeous girl who looked at me as if I meant something. Meant something to her.

Even after I’d soiled her.

Even after I’d captured her.

I closed my eyes and bit my bottom lip, doing my best to stop my heart from cracking and bleeding out of my chest.

“Hey.” She reached up and pressed a delicate kiss on my lips. “Whatever you’re thinking about, stop it. Get out of your mind, Kas, and look at me.”

I braced myself and did what she commanded. “This truly happened?” My voice was no better than an animal. Gruff and halting, inarticulate with disbelief.

She nodded and smiled almost shyly. “This truly happened.” She settled back on my chest, her breasts squishing against my muscles, her flawless skin highlighting just how many scars carved mine.

“Do you like that, little Kas?” A blade drawing initials into my pec. “You’re now my property. See?”

“Ah, you bleed so pretty, little pup.” Levin dragged a paintbrush through my latest wound. “I might just have to take up painting and use your blood as ink.”

“Kas...Kas.” Lips on mine, and a scent that I’d always associate with Gemma now. Moonlight and papayas and woodsmoke.

She wrenched me back.

I slammed the doors shut.

I sucked in a breath as memories tried to suck me deep.

No way.

No fucking way.

If I let them have me again, I’d hurt her.

And I would rather kill myself than ever raise a hand against her again.

She was too good.

Too kind.

Too perfect.

Far, far too perfect for the likes of me.

“I have to go.” Pushing her off me, I struggled with the weight of my soaking jeans, doing my best to haul them up while trying to climb out of the tub.

She sat in the sloshing water as I almost fell headfirst into the dirt. Dirt that’d turned to mud thanks to all the water we’d displaced while rocking.

Holy shit, we’d slept together.

Not through coercion or threats. It wasn’t commanded or unwilling.

We’d both wanted it.

Both lost ourselves to the best thing I’d ever experienced.

Was it the best for her too?

Had she been with others who made her feel this way?

A growl rumbled in my chest, full of sick possession. The thought of anyone going near her now? Fuck me, I’d tear them into motherfucking pieces.

She was mine.

Mine and...I’m not mentally stable enough to claim her.

Backing up, I zipped up my jeans and pulled down my clinging, wet T-shirt. “I...I hope I didn’t hurt you.”

Gemma blinked with wary eyes as she sat in the middle of the bath.

The strangest sensation of being tethered to her rippled through me. An invisible rope from my heart to hers, so much stronger and unbreakable than the chain binding us together.

“Wait for me. We’ll go in together,” she said quietly, standing in the bath and revealing her stunning body. Water sluiced down her flat stomach, droplets dripped from her pubic hair, her breasts still held shadows from my fingers where I’d fisted her.

I stumbled backward, my cock swelling all over again.

This woman was an aphrodisiac. I didn’t think I’d ever get enough of her.

“Help me out. We’ll get dressed and spend the night together.” She smiled sweetly, and I almost buckled to my knees in devotion.

God, I wanted that.

Everything she said sounded incredible. We could snuggle by a fire. We could read a book. We could make a meal and watch the sun come up and talk. Talk like friends, like lovers, we could laugh and share and fuck and—

My mind went utterly blank.

I blinked as my world was erased to nothing but white. A blinding white light that swept away every sense, time, and location.

I didn’t know how long it lasted, only that it came and went like a switch. A flash and a crash, making me trip to the side as color and sound, smell and feeling all slammed into me again.

Gemma stood before me, her hands on my cheeks, her face worried. “Speak to me. Say something—”

I backed up, blinking and trying so damn hard to remember why she was naked, how we’d gotten outside, and—

The bath.

I drew her a bath to apologize.

We slept together.

I gulped.

Christ, how had I forgotten that part? Even for a second?

“Kas, tell me what just happened.” She planted hands on her hips, twisting in the mud, tracking me as I darted around her to grab the towel that I’d put aside.

I hadn’t done a very good job of cleansing her. Even now, I could see a sliver of my cum mixing on her thigh with the droplets from the bath. I’d dirtied her all over again. She needed another wash.

But my mind was done.

My eyes were heavy.

My thoughts were sluggish.

I needed to sleep.

And soon.

And I couldn’t be near her when I passed out.

“I need to go inside. On my own.” I shoved the towel into her hands. “Take this.”

My broken arm killed, the cuts on my knuckles stung, my mind was a scrambled mess, but the sudden pain and hurt in her eyes was what drove a fist into my heart and wrenched it clean out of my chest.

“You don’t have to go.” She clutched the towel as if it offered answers to my mood change. “We have so much to talk about and—”

“Not tonight.”

She flinched. “Why? What just happened? You spaced for a good couple of minutes. Did you have another...flashback?”

I shook my head, fisting my hands. “No. I’m just...I’m tired.”

“Well, we’ll go to bed then. It’s late, after all.”

I gave her a pained smile. “I promised you were safe tonight.”

“And you kept that promise.”

“And I wouldn’t be able to keep that promise if we went to bed together. To sleep.”

She stiffened. “I don’t think you should be alone.”

“And I don’t think it’s wise for you to be near me when I crash unconscious.” I stepped toward her only to step right back. If I touched her, I might not have the willpower to do this. “I think it’s best if we sleep apart, don’t you?”

She bit her lip, her eyes racing with thoughts.

Agreement. Denial. Followed by reality.

Sleep for me would come at a price for her. And she’d already paid far too much.

Finally, she sighed. “Where will you go? Which room?”

“The dorm.” I squeezed the back of my neck, my hand coming away wet. “I can’t sleep in any of the other rooms.” I grimaced, giving her honesty because that was what she deserved. “They were guest rooms. I, ah...I can’t relax in them, not after what they did to us.”

She braced her shoulders. “I’m the same. That’s why I chose the conservatory. It’s the only place I like. The bedrooms give me the creeps.”

I chuckled, but it came out morbid and sad. “Maybe next summer, we’ll just sleep outside. That would be better.”

I cringed against the flicker of surprise on her face. A lot of incredible things had happened between us tonight but the mention of another season, another year spent living with me had shown where her thoughts still resided.

She might’ve accepted me, but she hadn’t accepted that this was her home now.

She will.

We have time.

“Sleep outside, but not together,” she murmured, avoiding any mention of how many years I intended to keep her chained to me.

“No, not together.” I sighed and stepped toward the house. “Good night, Gemma. Thank you...for everything.”

She shrugged and shook out the towel, wrapping it around her. For a moment, she looked as if she’d argue and follow. I honestly didn’t know what I’d do if she did. But then she swallowed and arched her chin, bowing her head regally. “Good night, Kassen. I hope you sleep well.”

I nodded.

I drank her in one last time.

And then, I walked away.

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CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

SO...

I groaned.

Oh, God.

I flopped onto my back after tossing and turning all night, staring at the new sun through the conservatory glass ceiling. My mind hadn’t shut up. My thoughts were on a racetrack full of him and us and sex.

God, the sex.

Every part of me was hypersensitive, humming for him, wishing he was beside me to take me again and again and—

Wow, you are in soooo much trouble, Gem.

I wedged my knuckles into my eyes, groaning all over again.

This was bad.

This was very, very bad.

I dropped my hands and bunched the blankets keeping me warm and cozy on the floor. I twisted the expensive bedding, unable to lay still.

How had this happened?

How had I allowed this to happen?

A crow landed on the ceiling, its talons tapping against the glass, its intelligent eyes glaring at me as if it judged me just like I judged myself.

I cringed, squeezing my eyes shut, only for my head to be full of him again. His shyness beneath his savagery. His curiosity beneath his cruelty. His inherent need to take care of me after treating me like a monster.

I’ve lost my damn mind.

I shook my head on my stolen pillow.

No, I hadn’t lost my mind.

I’ve lost my heart.

I gasped and jackknifed up.

Kassen Sands—my kidnapper, tormentor, and friend?—had finally decided to rip away his darkness and prove I was right all along.

A kind and wonderful man existed beneath all the scars and secrets. A good and caring man who had undeniable skills—beaten and groomed into him—at making me shatter.

He was every power and pain combined. When he touched me, everything inside me answered. When he dropped his guard and spoke to me, every piece of me stilled and quieted to listen. And when he drew me a bath and washed my hair and fucked me as if he loved me, nothing else had existed.

Nothing.

Just him.

And me.

Just us.

We were stripped back to basics, and in that emptiness, I’d been slapped right in the face with horror.

I’m in love with him.

I grabbed my pillow and screamed into it.

“Argghhhhh!”

How had I gone and done something so stupid?

I’d already fallen for this man before. I’d fallen for the broken parts of him, the timid parts of him, the parts so deeply buried beneath his many, many psychological wounds that I doubted I’d ever see his true personality without his many ingrained faults.

It’d been painful enough to fall in love with a creature that couldn’t help itself. It’d been a constant bruise as I’d listened to his nightmares, found his dormitory, and burrowed deeper into his past.

But now?

God, now...that platonic, remote kind of love had exploded into something entirely out of my control.

I hugged my pillow, rocking it, probably looking half-crazed.

And I was crazed.

I was mad.

Nuts.

A lunatic.

Because I’ve fallen in love with the man who imprisoned me.

I sucked in a shaky breath, feeling a new kind of space. An awful sort of openness inside me, just waiting to fill with everlasting love for the very same man who’d done such bad things to me.

I squeezed my eyes closed, blocking out the light. Heaven forbid I’d actually fallen in love with a man I could never take home to meet my family. Who would never survive in society. Who would change my destiny from the successful career and cruisey existence I had planned into one full of arguments, complications, and a whole valley full of issues.

I scrambled out of my blankets.

He made love to me like he’s been waiting for me his entire life.

I stalked across the conservatory, forcing myself to remember other things.

He threw me in a basement.

He has a strangling problem.

But he’s different now.

He’s changing...

I threw myself into the downstairs bathroom and slammed the door. I wished there was a mirror and not an empty frame. I wanted to glare into my eyes and ensure I understood all the ramifications of my stupid, stupid heart.

Breathing hard, I muttered under my breath, “If you allow this to happen, that’s it, Gem. No going back. You’re in this for however long it takes to heal him. You’re signing up for pain. For heartache. For potential death if he snaps and you’re not ready to fight. He’s not normal. Who knows if he will ever be normal. He’s been a slave, for God’s sake. He’s scarred to hell, inside and out. What on earth makes you think you’re qualified to help him?”

Because I love him.

All my fight vanished.

Dammit.

Just...ugh.

With shaky hands, I grabbed the peach dress I’d placed there the other night. I’d raided a few clothes from guest wardrobes and placed the ones I could tolerate wearing in here so I didn’t have to keep venturing into those hellholes.

At least the dress was easy to slip into, pulling over my head instead of fighting with skirts and leggings with the chain around my ankle.

That damn chain has got to go.

The expensive material grazed my nipples and belly as it fell to my knees, granting another memory of last night.

Kas kissing me.

His cock claiming me.

And just like that, I was wet and achy, and I had to see him. I couldn’t stand another minute alone, wondering if I was the only idiot who’d fallen in love last night or if he’d suffered the same life-altering affliction.

Slipping into a pair of stolen tennis shoes, wriggling my toes to ensure they wouldn’t pinch, I balled my hands and stormed from the bathroom and cut across the foyer. Sunlight shone from the skylight, little islands of shadow dotting the marble tile from the wildflower clumps above.

The gutters needed cleaning. The firewood needed gathering. The food needed prepping. So many tasks for winter that hadn’t meant anything to me before but now meant the world because no way in hell was I going to let Kas die on me.

If he said those tasks were urgent, then we would start them today. Right now. Together.

Full of nerves and jittery energy, I practically ran into the library.

And I slammed to a stop, surveying the carnage.

Oh, dear...

The plates I’d been carrying when I’d found Kas writhing on the floor, bellowing about snowflakes and someone named Levin, were smashed into pieces all over the place. The fried pieces of rabbit that I’d so painstakingly gutted, filleted, and rubbed in flour—a disgusting job and one I never wanted to repeat—were discarded where they’d landed. Spinach had smooshed into the carpet, leaving green stains in the richly dyed fabric. And the honey that I’d claimed from the rapidly dwindling supply in the pantry had oozed out of its ramekin and splattered up the wall.

Oh God, the wall.

Blood stained the intricate wallpaper with shreds hanging like tassels by the light switch. Kas’s howls of despair as he’d attacked it last night echoed in my ears. The absolute misery in his stare. The tears he’d shed. The look of dumbstruck awe as I’d sunk down upon him and felt, not like a woman who’d been taken against her will, but a woman who had the power to save someone who could become her everything.

Tears sprang to my eyes, despite my orders not to.

I love him.

It’s done.

Just yesterday, I still cursed the earth he walked upon. But now, I stood on that same earth and was thankful that he existed. That I’d found him before it was too late.

“It’s not fair,” I whispered to the room.

It wasn’t fair that he’d turned out to be so, so...perfect.

So wretchedly perfect all while being chained up with—

“You’re awake.” His voice licked over my skin, spinning me to face the doorway.

And the newness inside me, the spot that’d formed purely so I had room in which to love him, filled instantly with warm and gooey, sharp and savage need.

He’d changed from the soaking T-shirt and jeans of last night into a pair of gray shorts that’d seen better days and a black tee. His long hair kissed his shoulders, his scruff framed his mouth, and his eyes were still the same weathered, haunted indeterminate color that they’d always been, but something about him was different.

I was different.

I wanted him.

In every single way a female could want a male.

“I, eh—” I ran my hands over my hair, self-conscious and highly aware the strands were clean and fresh thanks to his attention last night. “Did you sleep okay?”

He gave me an odd look before strolling into the library, the chain around his middle hissing quietly on the carpet, the links vanishing through the house like a never-ending snake before sinking its fangs into my ankle. “I passed out before I got to my dorm. Ended up contorted on the staff stairs for most of the night. You?”

Not waiting for me to reply, his gaze fell to the ruined pieces of rabbit and the smashed crockery. Nudging a piece of meat with his bare toe, he scowled. “What the hell happened in here? Did you just drop this?”

I frowned. “What? No, of course not. It happened last night. I didn’t realize the mess; otherwise, I would’ve cleaned up earlier.”

“Last night?” His forehead furrowed into deep tracks. “What the hell happened last night?”

I froze.

My heart didn’t know if it wanted to stop or hiccup. “We, eh...” I took a step toward him hesitantly, my nervous energy switching into panic. “We, um...we had sex. Twice...”

“What?!” His eyes flared wide, his attention skimming down my body as if seeking evidence of such a claim. He shook his head, stumbling a little to the side. “You’re lying.”

I flinched. “I’m not.”

“Well, you’re not telling the truth.” He ran a shaky hand through his hair. “I know you don’t like me very much, but giving false memories to a guy you pushed off a cliff is low...even for you.”

My stomach lurched. “I don’t like you very much?” I whisper-choked. Goosebumps shot down my arms, tingling with fear and loss. “Y-you...don’t remember, do you?” My question was just breath. Strained and terrified breath. “Please, please tell me you remember.”

Pain.

Pain I’d never felt before fissured through my ribs.

His forehead furrowed with deeper tracks, fear glimmering in his stare. “Remember what exactly? That I woke up in wet clothes and have no idea why? That I have cuts on my hands and bruised knuckles with no memory of what happened?” He swallowed hard enough for his throat to contract with muscle. “I have a splitting headache, and I’m sick to death of feeling as if I’ll topple over at any moment, so please...stop lying and tell me what happened. The truth this time. Where did the meat come from? Why is such precious food all over the carpet?”

My world bottomed out for the umpteenth time since climbing into this valley.

No.

Don’t you dare...

Don’t you dare do this to me.

“Tell me!” he snapped.

I wanted to run. To find the Kas who’d made me fall last night, not fight with this replica who knew nothing, who felt nothing, who looked at me as if I was nothing.

Making eye contact, I did my best to swallow all the agonizing, unrequited love inside me. “We slept together.”

Woefully inadequate. Totally depthless.

“We willingly spent the night together,” I forced out around my pain. “We were...happy.”

“Happy?” he grunted, his hands opening and closing by his sides. He looked lost...ready to break. “How...I don’t—”

“We were happy because we opened ourselves up to what we’ve been fighting all along. You admitted you care for me, Kas. And I...I admitted that I care for you too. We didn’t just sleep together. It was so much more than that.”

He shook his head, his scruff-hidden face clouding with temper. “You already said that, and I already said it’s not possible.”

“Why?” I balled my hands, beginning to tremble. “Why isn’t it possible?”

He looked away, focusing on the ruined rabbit pieces. His eyes danced to the spinach smears, honey puddles, and finally the wallpaper with its violent, bloodstained rips. He sucked in a breath, swaying. “It’s not possible because I would remember something like that. I would remember fucking you. I know I would.” His gaze caught mine, throbbing with the same sort of loss I felt, only his was from disbelief and confusion instead of fear that everything we’d shared was gone. “It’s not possible that I would forget something like that. If I did, then...” He trailed off, inky dread coating him.

He didn’t finish.

He didn’t need to.

I heard the hovering, unspoken words.

If he could forget the intensity of last night. If he could forget how we’d bound ourselves together through sex and confessions, then nothing was sacred. Nothing was safe. All of this. Every day together. Every minute of falling and caring and wanting...was pointless.

Utterly, awfully pointless.

Tears stung my eyes.

How was I supposed to navigate this?

How was I supposed to stay standing after I’d dropped my guard and let him in, trusting that last night had changed both of us?

Was I strong enough to do this again?

Did I have enough love inside me to care for someone who might never love me back?

Grief burned, but I inhaled, fighting for strength. “Last night, you had a moment when you spaced. Maybe...maybe this is just another moment. It will come back. Just relax and let your mind recall—”

“Not going to happen.” He shuddered. “My mind is contaminated. I won’t go poking around looking for something that isn’t real. That can’t be real.”

“But it is real.” I rubbed at my goosebump-riddled arms. “Kas...what you did to me last night—”

“What I did?” He punched himself in the chest. “Oh, so now it’s not about what we did, but what I did?” He stalked toward me. “Go on then, don’t let me stop you. Tell me what other stories you have. Let’s see if you can convince me of something I know goddamn well isn’t true.” His anger was a shield, his pain hiding behind it. He looked as if he was one touch away from shattering—as if being told he’d had what he desperately wanted only to find out he’d let it slip through his fingers was too much to bear.

Everything hurt.

Everything.

“Cat got your tongue?” he snipped.

I arched my chin, wrapping myself up in protection. I’d given him every piece of me last night. I’d done it because I’d sensed he’d be unreachable if I didn’t. And by doing so, I no longer belonged to me.

I was his.

And to have him throw that back in my face?

I choked, rubbing at the throbbing agony in my chest.

“Well?” he barked.

What had he asked? Something about what he’d done? Would he fold to his knees in remorse if I told him he’d raped me? Would he snap out of this godawful amnesia if I told him that I’d hugged him, slept with him, and given him access to my deepest fears, even after he’d done something so cruel?

What if everything we’d shared, every connection we’d formed was gone for good?

Just like that.

God.

I hid my anguish with a curt and brittle voice. “I’m doing my best not to use the truth to hurt you.”

“What truth?” His eyes flashed with fear as well as fury.

“The truth that everything changed last night. All of it.”

“I don’t understand.” His eyes narrowed, unable to hide the thorny discomfort building in him. He gave the impression he was all brawn and brutality, but what would it be like to be told events happened, only to have no memory of them? To have holes in the very fabric of your mind—so many, many holes.

I wanted to scream at him. To lay out every second of yesterday—the good and the bad—and force him to accept reality. To accept...me. To accept us.

But if I did, that would be for my benefit, not his.

It wouldn’t ease his pain.

It wouldn’t help his concussion or his sickness.

If he truly didn’t remember, hearing the truth would be horribly unsettling.

Once again, he’d found a way to strip me of all my power, leaving me lost on what to do.

“Are you going to tell me, Gemma?” he snapped. “Can’t dangle something like that and not follow through. Spit it out.”

“The truth, Kas? You want me to give you the truth?”

“Of course the damn truth.”

His harshness wasn’t him. I’d seen behind it. I knew who he was now, deep inside.

I looked at the carpet where he’d taken me by force. Where I’d screamed at him. Hit him. Begged him. All while he’d rutted into me with deranged ferocity. I looked at the wall where I’d willingly straddled him, sank on him, and hugged him as he’d broken.

And I gave him the truth...sugar-coated just a little. “We slept together right there on the carpet.” I winced. “Actually, it wasn’t sleeping together at that point. You took me by force, but it wasn’t your fault. I think...” My eyes tracked to the strewn rabbit again.

Oh, God.

The meat.

That was his trigger.

“I made you dinner.” I stepped toward him, ready to fight his blankness with facts. “You caught a rabbit yesterday. You commanded I gut and cook it. I’ve never done anything like that before, and I hated every second of it, but I did it...because you were right. You’d fed me every day for a week and it was my turn to ensure you were adequately cared for. I think the smell of the cooked meat triggered a memory. You were dreaming of being burned. Of a man named Levin. Of being molested—”

“Enough.” He held up his hand. “I’ve heard enough.”

“No. You haven’t. You need to remember.”

Please, remember.

“I tried to wake you, but you pulled me down and took me on the carpet. I tried to stop you, but you were unreachable.” My voice cracked as tears threatened, reliving that overwhelming sense of helplessness. “But you woke eventually. You woke, and God, you were so full of regret.” I moved another step toward him. “You were...wild with it. You couldn’t forgive yourself, so...” I reached out and touched his unbroken arm. “I forgave you instead. I initiated sex between us, and we slept together, right there, against the wall.”

He ripped his arm away. “Stop.” He pinched the bridge of his nose as if his headache crushed him. “I can’t—”

“You found me a few hours later. The reason you woke in damp clothes was you poured me a bath. You washed me clean and gave me a release, and I pulled you into the bath with me.” I touched his elbow, doing my best not to flinch when he stumbled backward. “I wanted you, Kas. I’ve never wanted anyone as much as I wanted you. I confessed things to you about my brother. You told me things about your family. None of it was planned but—”

“It wasn’t planned because it didn’t happen,” he snarled. “You honestly think I could fuck you, twice, according to you, and not have a single memory of it? I remember everything! Every fucking rape and every shitty beating. Just because I choose to keep them buried doesn’t mean I’m not aware.” He stabbed a trembling finger in my face. “You’re lying because if any of what you said was true, I would know. I would hoard that memory instead of swallow it. I would live in that memory. I would replay it over and over again. If I had you, willingly had you, I would fall to my knees and never, ever let you go. Do you hear what I’m saying?” He stepped into me, casting me in shadow and trembling confusion. “I’m saying that if you gave me yourself last night and I took you—” He wiped his mouth with a shaky hand. “If I had you and forgot you? Jesus Christ.” He looked at the ceiling before shrugging helplessly. “I can’t handle that. I can’t fucking cope with that.”

Rage filtered through his voice, filling with sharp smoke. “So I’ll tell you again. What you’re saying is a lie. It has to be a lie. It has to be because if it’s not, then I might as well carve out my fucking heart and be finished with it because I’m done. Do you hear me? I’m done with this shit. I’m done wanting you, craving you. I’m done with time-skipping and my head throbbing and the damn world never standing still.”

He raked both hands through his hair, backing up as if my presence set fire to him. Molten anger flowed in his stare as he bared his teeth. “I have nothing in my head. Nothing about last night. Nothing but my past that doesn’t give me a goddamn break. Why can I remember that, huh? And not have a shred of recollection about what you say happened?”

He didn’t wait for me to reply. He wasn’t asking me. He was asking himself. Asking the prison inside him that would never let him free.

“I’ll tell you why.” He shook harder, looking as if he’d break apart. “I don’t have any memory because it doesn’t exist because it didn’t fucking happen!” His voice slipped into a harrowed breath. “It just...can’t.”

Something cracked inside me.

Something fragile and new and far too delicate to be pulverized so early in the morning.

I wanted so much to go wrap my arms around him, but my instincts prickled that I wasn’t safe. He walked the edge of sane and insane. One push in the wrong direction, and I would pay. “It’s okay, Kas. You can choose to trust me, even if you can’t remember right now. Trust what I’m saying is real and—”