Текст книги "The body painter"

Автор книги: Pepper winters

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Текущая страница: 13 (всего у книги 28 страниц)

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Chapter Sixteen

______________________________

Gil

-The Past-

“MR. CLARK, PLEASE stay after class.”

I stiffened at my desk as Ms Tallup pinned her grey eyes on me. Olin twisted a little in her seat to look at me, but I shook my head slightly, hiding any sign of the trepidation inching down my spine.

Olin would wait for me to walk her home. I had no doubt about that.

It’d become a tradition. Just as it’d become tradition for her to slip me painkillers if my father had been particularly ruthless with his fists. Just as it’d become the norm for her to bring baked goods and hide money in my backpack so I could eat regularly.

She looked after me as much as I looked after her, and it made my heart suffocate with pain. We were in a relationship. A family-ship.

Yet, I still hadn’t kissed her.

I’d been sure only to touch her platonically.

I bit my tongue on what I truly wanted to tell her.

How much I truly cared.

Since the pancake revelation a month ago, we’d been careful to keep some distance. We didn’t discuss it; it’d just happened. Happened in a way that said we both felt the intensity of whatever existed between us and weren’t quite ready to unleash it.

“Mr. Clark, did you hear me?” Ms Tallup crossed her arms, her nose in the sky.

My hands curled into fists. “Yes, Ms Tallup.”

The bell rang.

Students shot to their feet.

Olin cast me a look as she shuffled out with the rest of the class, leaving me alone with the teacher from hell.

What the fuck does she want?

My father had avoided painting my face with bruises lately. My body was a different story, but at least nothing was visible to those who didn’t need to know.

Standing slowly, I made a show of stuffing my workbook into my bag and sauntering toward the front where Ms Tallup waited. A marker in one hand and a piece of paper in the other.

My test from the other day.

With a giant F written in red.

Great.

Just fucking great.

“You’re flunking me again?” I couldn’t hide the contempt in my voice.

She tutted under her breath. “If you don’t do the work, I can’t reward you with the grades.”

“I’m doing the work.” I knew my grades were good because Olin helped me. We helped each other. I’d gotten over my aversion to being in her empty house, and we regularly had study sessions together. Her text pages were always so much cleaner than mine. Her bedroom so much warmer than mine. But I kept up with her in the intelligence department, and I trusted myself a little more. Trusted I was just as good as the other students and didn’t deserve to be held back.

“That’s not what I see.” She crossed her arms again, crushing the paper against her body. “I see two students fraternising when they should be focused on school.”

“What did you say?” Everything inside me went cold.

“You heard me.” She looked at the door as if a pupil might walk by and overhear. Fat chance of that. They were all halfway home by now.

Apart from Olin.

She would wait for me.

She’d wait for me because I’d wait for her.

Always.

“It’s none of your business which students hang out together.”

She smiled thinly. “It is my business if it’s affecting their academic progress.”

“You’ve affected my academic progress by holding me back two years.”

“I merely suggested to the headmaster that you weren’t at the same level as the others. That’s all. If he didn’t agree with me, you would’ve graduated by now.”

“I’m just as good as the rest of them.” My temper boiled, and I understood partially why my father beat me when he was angry. The urge to punch Ms Tallup sent pins and needles racing into my fists. It would feel so nice to hurt her like she was hurting my future.

“Why are you doing this?” I did my best to speak normally, but it came out like a snarl.

Her eyebrows shot into her mousy hairline. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m merely a concerned—”

“You’re not. You want something. Something from me.”

How the fuck didn’t I see it before?

The thought was a lightning bolt. Hot and scary and lethal as hell. My head cocked, staying arrogant but quickly sliding into terror. “Tell me. What do you want?”

For the first time, a flicker of truth showed in her steely gaze. She wasn’t old—pushing mid-thirties—but a vindictive streak in her said she hated teenagers.

Especially me.

I’d never done anything to her. I was always punctual, polite, hard-working.

But no matter what I did, nothing was ever good enough.

“What makes you think I want something from you, Mr. Clark?”

I leaned toward her, not caring if anyone saw. “I don’t think. I know. Call it instinct.”

She cocked her head with a gleam in her gaze. “Well, your instincts are wrong.”

“They’re never wrong.”

Backing away, making it seem like she needed to put the marker back on the whiteboard, she said, “I’m merely advising you not to spend so much time chasing after Olin Moss. Now run along, Mr. Clark. Best behave yourself if you want to finish school sometime this century.”

I wanted to kill her.

Honest to God murder her with my bare hands around her evil throat.

Instead, I nodded, and with tightly leashed fury, muttered, “Thank you, Ms Tallup.”

It took everything I had to stalk from the classroom, bolt down the corridor, and suck in a breath as green grass and late afternoon sunshine welcomed me.

Olin.

I needed Olin.

I needed the one girl who made my world bearable even while making it that much harder.

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Chapter Seventeen

______________________________

Olin

-The Present-

“SO...” GIL SHOVED his hands into his jeans pockets as we stood beneath the faded stars outside his warehouse.

“So.” I licked my lips, smoothing down my skirt, very aware that I hadn’t rinsed off and a combination of him and me made my thighs sticky.

His face shadowed with night and emotional darkness. Only one street light existed this far down the warehouse precinct, and its light was futile at chasing back the gloom. The moon was no help, tucked into bed behind wispy clouds where only brave stars peeked from behind.

He sighed as if struggling with what to say.

How did we discuss what happened in there? How did we walk away?

I slung my handbag over my shoulder and leaped into conversation for him. “What just happened, Gil....It was—”

“A mistake.” He dragged a shaky hand through his hair. “I don’t know how I could let that happen.”

Temper heated me. “It wasn’t just you, you know.”

He glowered at the ground.

“And how dare you call it a mistake.” I tried to curb my frustration. “It was amazing. Exactly like I knew it would be between us. It—”

“Won’t happen again.”

My heart fell. I’d stupidly thought we’d gotten past whatever was keeping us apart. I’d hoped...

I’d stupidly hoped things would magically fix themselves just because we had sex.

I’m an idiot.

“We can discuss this another day.” I shrugged, wincing as my hair tugged under my handbag strap. “When you’re not so...”

His gaze met mine, narrowed and guarded. “Not so drunk?”

“I wasn’t going to bring it up, but yes. You’re drunk and dealing with things that you refuse to tell me.” I crossed my arms. “You asked me to be your canvas tonight, but instead of finding a professional painter, I found you intoxicated.”

“You were late.”

My chin flew up. “You were somewhere else.”

“How the fuck do you know where I’ve been?” He pinched the bridge of his nose, groaning under his breath. “Sorry. I just...shit.” He shook his head as if doing his best to dispel the tainting liquor.

“Where have you been, Gil?” My question was as quiet as the silver moon peeking from the wisps. My gaze travelled to the paint splatter on his hands and the combination of grass and dirt on his clothes.

Maybe Justin was right to be worried about him. Maybe he needed more help than I could provide.

What made him turn to a bottle today?

Why didn’t he turn to me?

“Why were you drinking? You said you’d never be like—”

“Don’t.” He held up his hand. “Don’t ask questions I can’t answer.”

Guilt squeezed that I hadn’t been there for him. Hadn’t been able to find him sooner.

He wasn’t my responsibility. He’d knocked me out and been nothing but complicated since we’d found each other.

But it didn’t change facts.

I would always have feelings for this man.

A kaleidoscope of them.

Undeniable and not fading anytime soon.

“You know I won’t judge you for anything, right?” I shifted closer. “You can trust—”

“Stop.” He bared his teeth, backing up. The alcohol made him harsher, eradicating the decorum he’d done his best to cling to. “It’s time for you to go, Olin.”

I ignored him. “Do you still need to paint me tonight?”

His half-smile tangled with a sneer. “Do I look capable of painting you?”

I didn’t want to answer that.

Didn’t want to admit that he looked as destitute in his soul as he did in possessions. His eyes were vacant but crowded at the same time—a haunted expression blending with depression. The mess on his clothing made him unsuitable for normal society. The twig knotted in his hair depicted him as something wild. The mud contouring his cheekbone said he’d either gone for a hike in the wilderness or fought a monster.

The only problem was, he acted as if the monster was him.

The one who didn’t deserve kindness and togetherness—the one who did his best to ruin what’d just happened between us because he didn’t know how to accept the inevitable.

We’d always been made for each other.

Time had ripped us apart, but fate had brought us back.

Too bad he couldn’t accept such a gift.

“Do you want to reschedule for tomorrow?” I asked softly.

His eyes flashed. “You’re not allowed back here.”

“But what about the commission?”

His entire body shuddered as if unable to brace against colossal pain. “Doesn’t matter.”

“Why?” My stomach churned. “Surely, a day’s delay won’t make a—”

“It’s over.” His lips snapped shut, stark fear seeping into his face. Coughing, he straightened his shoulders and hid any trace of terror. “It had to be done today. This afternoon.” Anger tinged his tone. “I couldn’t deliver because my canvas was off earning minimum wage working for someone else.”

I froze. “The alcohol is making you crueller than normal.”

“Or allowing me to be honest.”

“I don’t believe that. I also don’t believe you’re truly blaming me for this.”

“If you’d been here sooner, I might’ve—”

“I had commitments, Gil,” I snapped. “I told you that.”

He growled under his breath, burying his face into his hands.

I promised I’d be there for him.

No matter what.

Not able to bear the tension between us, I touched his shoulder. “Do you need money? I don’t have much. In fact, I barely have anything, but it’s yours if you need it.” My rent was due tomorrow. My electricity bill the next day. My pantry was empty and my fridge might as well be switched off to save on power because it never held much these days.

I wouldn’t be able to help much monetary wise, but I would share whatever I had.

He jerked away and shook his head, dropping his hands to stare down the long expanse of warehouses and their looming façades. His lips pressed together as if holding back so many awful things. His hands balled as if wanting to fight imaginary beasts. “Even now, you’re willing to offer me everything you have.” He didn’t make eye contact, talking to the night. “You’d give me your last penny without hesitation.”

I nodded. “Only because you’d do the same for me.”

“Are you so sure?” He laughed coldly. “I’m not as good as you, Olin. I never was.”

“It’s not a matter of being good or bad. It’s a matter of helping those you lo—” I snapped my mouth closed.

His gaze caught mine, endless and aching. “Please, don’t.”

My heart squeezed, scrambling to hide my almost-confession. “Tell me what you need the money for and I’ll get as much as I can.”

I’d loved him as a girl.

I’d loved him while apart.

And I still loved him, even though I wasn’t sure he deserved it.

He snorted as if I’d asked the saddest, hardest question in the world. “Your money is worthless.”

“Why?”

“Because it can’t buy what I need.”

“What do you need?”

He looked at the stars, his biggest lie slipping from his lips. “Nothing. I need nothing.”

Too bad the truth echoed in the void, howling with the opposite of what he’d just said. Gil needed something. He needed everything.

Money.

Safety.

Help.

I pressed against him, hurt to my core when he sidestepped away before I could hug him. My fingernails dug into my palms as I did my best not to cry. “You forbid me from talking to the police, but you’re in trouble, Gil...you need to tell them. They can help—”

“Help?” He rolled his eyes, the haze of alcohol evaporating a little. “They’re about as much help as I am.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means I’m fucking useless.”

I sucked in a breath. “Why would you say that?”

“Because it’s true.” He sighed with his entire body. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter now. It’s too late.”

Gil had always been a melancholy type of boy. At school, his smiles were few and far between. His laughter was priceless because it was so rare and whatever reaction he gave was always overshadowed by a taut wariness and cloudy distrust.

But tonight, thanks to alcohol blurring his walls, he struggled to hide.

“What’s too late, Gil?” Worry sat thick and cloying in my chest. I wanted to touch him. To hug him. To hold him in my arms and tell him he could tell me because if he didn’t, the poison inside would ruin him.

“Everything.” He sighed again, swaying a little as tiredness mixed with drunkenness. “Go home, O. Time to forget about me.”

I swallowed back my urge to tell him that was an impossibility. That I couldn’t stop thinking about him before. Now that we’d had sex, I was doomed to being his forever.

My voice was level and kind as I said, “I’m sorry I couldn’t help you with the commission earlier.”

He sniffed, glowering at the dark world around us. “Yeah, me too.”

Looking toward the empty street, I clutched my handbag closer. The thought of leaving him like his sent warning bells all over my skin. Turning to face him again, I did my best to change the subject. “Was it hard painting me? Did you...want me like you wanted me tonight?”

His face hardened. “I’m many things, Olin, but lusting after a canvas when I’m working is beneath even me.”

“Can I be honest and say having you paint me was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done? Being with you tonight? God, I needed that so much.”

My admittance did what I’d intended. It wrenched him from black thoughts, painting his features in surprise. He cleared his throat. “Having me paint you was hard?”

“Very much.”

His muscles tensed for all new reasons. “Because...”

“Because you were so close, after being gone for so long. Because your brush felt like a kiss and your airbrush felt like...” I blushed. “Like your tongue.”

He swallowed, his throat working. “I...” His eyes glowed as if he wanted to confess a thousand things, but those awful shutters slammed down again and he muttered, “Tonight only happened because I had compromised self-control and you had pent-up need from the previous commission. That’s all it was. Basic instinct to find a release.”

He effectively threw cold water in my face, slapping away yet another attempt to drag him from the darkness.

He’s lost, O...

No, he’s just being a jerk.

And frankly, I’d used up my quota of kindness tonight.

There was only so much patience I could offer. I wasn’t a saint. I was hurt. I’d been hurt for seven long years. And that hurt became harder to ignore the more he fought me. “Time truly did scar you, Gil. I’m trying so hard to bring you back, but no matter what I do, you just keep pushing me away.”

His eyebrows turned into jagged lines. “I grew up, O. We both did. Whoever you knew is no longer a part of me.”

“It’s so easy for you? To shove aside the parts of you that made us family?”

He shuddered as if I’d stabbed him in the heart. “Nothing about this is easy. You’re not making it easy because you refuse to listen to me.”

“I’m listening now.” I didn’t look away. “And I think you’re forgetting why I refuse to obey you. Last time I did, you broke up with me. Last time I didn’t fight with everything that I have, you just...disappeared. You keep acting as if you’re trying to protect me by keeping me away, but in reality, I think you’re just trying to protect yourself.”

“I am trying to protect you.”

“Do it some other way. Don’t push me away this time, Gil. Don’t be that selfish.”

“Selfish?” he roared. “You think I’m being selfish by doing everything I can to keep you safe?”

“I think you’re choosing the easy way out—”

“I never had it easy. Fucking ever!”

My voice rose to meet his, uncaring if people heard our domestic. “You broke it off with me. That was the easy option. You moved on. You made the choice to leave. I was never given that option.”

Why did I say that?

What’s wrong with me?

I’d forgiven him for everything. I didn’t want to punish him by bringing up the past when it was nothing compared to what he dealt with now.

“Look, I’m sorry, I—”

He crowded me until our chests touched. “You think I chose to leave you?”

I couldn’t breathe properly. “You did a pretty good job of making it seem that way. You walked out of my life then vanished from school. No one had a clue where you’d gone.”

“I didn’t have a choice.”

My anger rose again, ignoring my desire to stay calm. “Of course, you did! You could’ve talked to me instead of ripping out my—”

“I told you.” His chest rose and fell with agony. “I had my reasons.”

“And those reasons weren’t good enough.” Pain bolted through my blood, unravelling my will to keep this fight from happening. I couldn’t stop myself from spilling everything I’d held inside. “Nothing you could tell me would excuse you breaking my heart.”

I’d done what I could to stop blaming him. I’d focused on helping him, not on fixing what went wrong.

But...I’d reached my limit.

He was too wrapped up in secrecy.

Too isolated in misery.

I had to know.

I had to understand at least something before I went insane.

We’d slept with each other tonight. We’d let our bodies do the talking and it’d been the first honest conversation we’d had.

I wanted more of that.

Gil’s gaze landed hotly on my lips. “You broke mine too. I’d say we’re fair.”

“What?” The starlit darkness crackled with instant electricity. My nipples pebbled and my breath caught as his hand lashed out, looping around my throat.

“You heard me. You went out with Justin. You flaunted your relationship in my goddamn face. Tell me why I should’ve stuck around at school to watch that?”

I tried to break from his hold, my fingers scratching at his arm. “You’re seriously going to make me the bad guy? You pushed me away! You wouldn’t speak to me! I spent every night crying, wondering what I’d done wrong. You wouldn’t even look at me.”

“I had reaso—”

“No, you didn’t!” I ducked and twisted from his hold. “No reason you could have ever given me would justify the coldness you delivered.”

“Apparently, you were justified enough to kiss Justin in our spots, though. I saw you. He had his hand up your shirt behind the gym.” He punched his chest. “That was our spot, O. Ours. No one else’s.” His eyes glistened with agony. He spun and stormed away, both hands digging through his hair. “Fuck!”

With his overwhelming heat and power gone, I sucked in oxygen. How had this fight happened? Why were we tearing each other to ribbons?

I spread my hands in surrender, exhaustion crushing me fast. “Look, none of that matters now. You and Justin are friends, and we’re...we’re—” I smiled even though my heart felt like shattering. “We’re friends, too...even if you’d rather not be.”

“You can’t be friends with someone who doesn’t deserve it.” The light went from his eyes, any softness from before deleted from his mouth. He turned to stone as he pointed into the darkness. “I don’t deserve you, O. And you don’t deserve to suffer. You need to leave. You need to obey because it’s the only way I can keep you safe. Leave and never come back.” His gaze danced around the open, empty night. “Promise me.”

“You don’t need to be afraid of him.”

I expected him to growl. Instead, his response sent glaciers oozing down my spine.

“I do, and...I am.” He nodded with conviction, causing my tummy to flip. His voice echoed with uncurable disaster. “Deathly fucking afraid.”

“Of what?”

“Of everything.”

I reached for him. “Gil—”

He stepped away. “Go.” Gritting his teeth, he gave the industrial area a searching, scathing look as if warning goblins and night terrors to leave me the hell alone before stepping through the pedestrian access to his warehouse. “Goodbye, O. For the last time.”

With a final splintering look, he slammed the door and locked it.

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