Текст книги "The Secrets We Keep"

Автор книги: Trisha Leaver

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Copyright Page

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For my blackbird

PROLOGUE

I don’t remember her room being so cold. Even snuggled into her sweater the chill seeps in, settling into my bones like a whisper from beyond. That’s where I will sleep tonight … in Maddy’s bed, surrounded by her scent. Mom wants to change the sheets, but I won’t let her. The hints of vanilla and lavender mingled with Alex’s dark cologne brings a little piece of my sister back to me each night.

The only thing I have left of my old life is a few sketches and a poor replica of the friendship bracelet Josh gave me. It took me days to re-create, to weave the strings into the right pattern. It’s not perfect, but it goes with me everywhere, a pathetic reminder of who I once was and what Josh still means to me. The real bracelet is gone, cut off and tossed aside just like my life.

I want to make peace with my choice, but Maddy’s secret haunts me. The dark pieces of her life are hidden in the back of her closet for no one but me to see. She’s not who I thought she was, but that doesn’t matter. Maddy was my sister, my twin sister, and I’ll do anything for her, including losing myself.

1

My phone vibrated on my nightstand, jarring me from the sketchbook I had open on my lap. I’d re-created the same drawing five times in the past week, and yet it still wasn’t good enough. Problem was, if I didn’t figure it out by midnight tomorrow, I’d be out of time.

Assuming it was Josh again, I let it go to voice mail, more concerned with perfecting the sketch than bickering with him over something his neighbor and sometime-girlfriend, Kim, had said. I wasn’t interested in dissecting why she was offended that Josh chose to let me drive him to school every day, even though she lived less than a hundred yards from him and he had a car of his own. That was his problem, not mine. And if he couldn’t figure that one out on his own, then he was an idiot.

I tossed my charcoal pencil down in favor of graphite. Perhaps it was the reflection of light in my picture that was off. After a few strokes, I realized it wasn’t—all I’d done was take a relatively decent drawing and make it worse.

The phone rang again, the same irritating song breaking my concentration. Swearing, I caught it before it buzzed off my nightstand and tossed it onto the bed next to me. Josh knew I was finishing up my portfolio tonight. I wanted it in early to ensure I was on track for early admission and not slotted into the general-admission pool for the Rhode Island School of Design. His call could wait; he’d understand.

The phone kept ringing, only stopping long enough to chime with an incoming text. Shaking my head, I turned to check the time. The bright numbers on my alarm clock bothered my bleary eyes. After several long, hard blinks and a few more muttered curses, the numbers came into focus. Two twenty-three in the effin morning. What could be so important that Josh had to call me at two-thirty in the morning?

I rubbed my eyes and answered, not bothering to check the caller ID. “What do you want now, Josh?”

“Ella? It’s me.”

It took a second for me to place the voice. It sounded off, throaty, and quieter than usual. I stared at the phone. My mind registered that it was my sister talking, but I still searched my darkened room for her. I don’t know why; we hadn’t shared a room since we were ten.

She was in bed when I came upstairs earlier that night. She was grounded. Dad had come home early from work on Tuesday and caught her and Alex in her bedroom. She worked him down from three weeks without a phone to one night of grounding, but that left her stuck at home on a Saturday night with nothing but me and her collection of DVDs to keep her company. So what was she doing on the other end of my phone?

Flicking on the hallway light, I stared across the narrow space to her room. As always, her door was closed, and I had to get up, trudge those seven steps to her door, and push it open. The room was quiet, her rumpled bed empty. The window behind it was open a crack, probably so she could sneak back in.

“Maddy? Where are you?”

“Alex’s,” she said, her voice muffled by what I could’ve sworn were tears.

“What’s the matter?”

I was more curious than anything. Maddy didn’t cry. Ever. She said it was a sign of weakness and that it made your makeup run. The weakness part I got; the popular crowd she’d immersed herself in would use anything they could against one another.

The makeup part … yeah, that I didn’t get.

“Nothing. It doesn’t matter. I just need a ride home, Ella.”

“Where’s your car?”

My guess was that she’d lost her keys or, better yet, was too drunk at one of Alex’s parties to drive. I’d pick her up—there was no question about that, but I wanted to prod her for a reason first.

“It’s at home. Jenna picked me up.”

“It’s two-thirty in the morning, Maddy,” I said, already putting on my shoes. “Can’t you get Jenna or Alex or somebody else to drive you home?”

“No, Alex can’t and Jenna won’t.”

I shrugged, not caring that Maddy couldn’t see me. I didn’t get why Maddy hung out with Jenna, what she could possibly see in her best friend.

“Come on, Ella. If Mom and Dad find out I snuck out, I’m screwed.”

I snorted at that one. Screwed? My twin sister was never screwed. She always seemed to skate by, knew exactly what to say to get herself out of everything. She’d be extra-sweet to our mother, pout for our father, and for Alex … well, from what I could gather, she had an entirely different arsenal for getting her way with him.

I could count my friends on one finger, but she could fill the entire cafeteria with laughter. I’d wake up at six in the morning so I could be early for school, and she’d roll in five minutes past the first bell, moaning about some flat tire to get herself out of detention. I’d collapse on my bed exhausted from studying till midnight, and she’d sneak out and go to a party with her boyfriend.

“I’m sure you’ll think of something to tell them.” And they’d buy it. No matter who she was talking to or what lie she was selling, they always bought it.

Maddy managed to make the honor roll, but that was mostly my doing. I’d study for days, then cave when she’d beg me to pretend I was her and take a test she’d completely forgotten about. I never complained; it’s not like she took any advanced courses, so it required no effort on my part.

I was getting so good at playing her that her friends couldn’t tell us apart. I kept my hair long and stopped adding pink streaks to the underside to look more like her. I’d mastered her voice as well, knew exactly how to raise and lower the pitch to match her sarcasm.

She paid me fifty bucks to take an oral Spanish exam for her last week, one she “completely forgot I had.” I scored her a solid 82. No point in getting her an A. She took my spot in Physics that day, pretending to be me so I wouldn’t get a detention for skipping class. We had a pop quiz. She took it for me, scoring me a miserable 47. Now I was looking at doing extra-credit work for the rest of the term to even manage a B.

I got back at her though. Still pretending to be Maddy, I went and found Jenna and told her I wasn’t feeling well and was staying home that night. Then I called Mom to tell her the same thing. Maddy was beyond pissed; she’d unintentionally got herself a Friday night at home in bed with Mom hovering and me gloating. As for Jenna … I’d never heard that girl scream so loud in my life, something about a family dinner to celebrate her birthday that Maddy had promised she’d be at. Oh well, not my problem.

“Ella, please,” Maddy begged, pulling me from that memory. “I’ll make it up to you. I swear. Whatever you want.”

“You always say that, Maddy.”

“I know, but I mean it this time. Please.”

I had a memory full of promises just like that one. Difference was, I kept my promises. Maddy’s were nothing more than hollow assurances aimed at getting people to do what she wanted.

We were so different. Maddy was skirts and heels and flatirons, where I was jeans and T-shirts and ponytails. She was Friday-night parties and homecoming dances. I was B-rated horror movies on the couch with microwave popcorn. From her perfect hair to her perfect friends, right down to her perfectly pedicured toes, Maddy was my opposite.

“Ella? Ella!” Maddy shouted into the phone.

The muffled crying I’d heard earlier was gone, her rapid breathing and rising pitch lending an edge of panic to her voice. I don’t know why she’d freak; it’s not like I’d ever say no. She was my sister, my twin sister at that, and I would always help her.

“Fine. Whatever,” I said, and grabbed a sweatshirt from the end of my bed. “I’ll be there in fifteen.”

I quickly flipped through my drawings, picked the best of four sketches of the exact same subject, and carefully tore it out. Surprisingly, it was the first one I’d done. I scanned it in, adding it to the ones I’d already uploaded, and hit the Submit button. It was only October 18. The application wasn’t due for another two weeks, but, like I said, I wanted it in early. Plus, if Maddy expected me to drop everything to come get her, then the least she could do was wait the ten extra minutes it’d take me to e-mail my art school application.

My dog, Bailey, hopped down off my bed the minute I stood up, intent on following me around. He beat me to my bedroom door, then waited as if he needed my permission. Knowing him, he’d bark the second I left the house, letting me know he was not happy staying behind. I didn’t mind him being angry. He was a dog, he’d get over it in less than a second. What I didn’t want was Bailey to wake my parents up. It was bad enough I had to go bail Maddy out. I didn’t feel like dealing with Mom and Dad’s questions, too.

I grabbed a treat from the box I kept on my nightstand and hid it beneath the covers on my bed. Bailey did as I expected; he jumped up and started nosing through my comforter. I’d hidden it deep enough that it would take Bailey a while to find, hopefully long enough for me to get out of the house unnoticed.

I poked my head into my parents’ room before heading downstairs. They were asleep, the TV still casting a pale blue light. I thought about turning it off but figured the sudden lack of noise might wake them up. My eye caught the array of pictures covering Mom’s dresser. The flickering glow from the TV gave a hint of what they were, but I didn’t need to see the photos to describe each one. They’d been there for as long as I could remember.

The big one in the middle was a family portrait taken three Christmases ago. We were gathered around a fake fireplace in some photographer’s studio. The scowl on my face was the source of a huge argument that day. Next to that was a picture of Maddy and me on our sixteenth birthday. She looked stunning and was staring off into the distance, probably at Alex. I was standing there praying for Mom to hurry up and take the damn thing so I could go back to my room. The other three pictures were of Maddy. Maddy after her field hockey team won divisionals her sophomore year. Maddy and Alex at junior prom last year. Maddy with the keys to her “new” car.

It was the same in real life. At my father’s office Christmas party, she was the one he introduced first. When we went to church, she got to sit between them. When a relative or an old friend asked my mom about the twins, it was Maddy’s accomplishments Mom launched into first. Me they were still trying to figure out.

I was the smart, quiet one who preferred the inside of a book to parties. Quirky and reserved, that’s how they described me to their friends. Quirky and reserved.

I quietly closed the door and made my way downstairs. It was pitch-black outside, the moon hidden behind a thick bank of clouds. It had rained earlier and, from the looks of it, was going to again.

I grabbed my coat and hat from the hall closet and headed outside. Luckily, the neighbors had left their porch lights on, or I would’ve walked smack into the trash cans at the end of our driveway. As it was, I’d already stumbled twice—once over Bailey’s half-chewed rope toy and again, steps later, over a sprinkler head. That last one landed me on my butt, cursing and trying to brush the dampness from my jeans.

When I finally made it to my car, I realized Maddy’s car was in the way. She’d parked straight across our driveway, blocking everybody in.

“Seriously, Maddy?” I said as I kicked her tire. It’d be fine if she was the first to leave in the morning, but she never was. Maddy was always the last one out the door, putting her makeup on in the rearview mirror while she raced to school. It was me who rearranged the cars each morning so Dad could get to work and I could get to school.

I winced at my throbbing toe and made my way back to the house. Moving the cars around wasn’t an option. If turning off the TV had the potential to wake my parents up, then shuffling cars in the driveway would certainly have them stumbling down the stairs wondering where I was going.

I hung my keys on the hook next to the door. There were five hooks there, each clearly labeled with a name. Mine, Dad’s, Mom’s, Maddy’s, even one designated for the lawn tractor keys, but Maddy’s weren’t there. Of course they wouldn’t be there. Knowing her, she’d probably thrown them on the counter when she came in, figuring one of us would find them and hang them up.

“This is the last time, Maddy. I swear to God, this is the last time I do anything for you,” I muttered to myself as I fished around our kitchen counters in the dark. She couldn’t make bailing her out easy. Nope, Maddy had to make everything as difficult as possible.

I finally found her keys wedged behind the radio. I picked them up, swearing to tear her a new one for being so selfish, then headed back out into the damp night air. If everything went as it should, I’d be home and in bed in less than a half hour with another of Maddy’s promises to make it up to me stashed away in my brain.

2

It was drizzling by the time I reached Alex’s house. Except for a few scattered cars parked between the trees, you’d never have known there was a party going on. I guess that was a perk of being really rich—a long driveway and lots of land to buffer sound.

I remembered the day Maddy met Alex Furey. We were freshmen, and it was our third day of school. I thought going to a new school with my sister would make everything easier, figured I’d have at least one person to sit with at the lunch table. I didn’t take into account that we had no classes together, that Maddy was a lot more outgoing than me, or that we had very little in common. I assumed we’d stick together, and I’d have a built-in safety net.

Maddy let me crowd her those first few days, smiling and encouraging me to go off on my own and make some new friends. I tried: sitting next to people who I didn’t recognize in my classes and saying hi to the few kids who looked my way. But when none of them said hi back, I ignored them and minded my own business.

That first Wednesday, I went to find Maddy in the cafeteria, excited about the drawing I’d done in open studio. The lunchroom was as loud as always, the smell a cross between burned pizza and nasty gym socks. Looking forward to a half hour of peace, I grabbed a tray and bought something I deemed safe enough to eat—a hot dog—and headed in to find her. But she wasn’t sitting in the corner of the cafeteria like she had been on Monday and Tuesday. That table was empty—eight vacant chairs surrounding an equally deserted table. I searched the other tables, automatically focusing on those kids sitting alone. No Maddy. It wasn’t until I scanned the center of the room, my eyes skating across the six tables that had been jammed together, that I saw her. She wasn’t sitting in a chair. She was perched on top of the table, her arms draped around some kid’s neck. And she was laughing.

I stood there watching her, debating whether to go over and sit down next to her or to seek out one of the empty tables that littered the corners. Luckily, I didn’t have to make the decision. Maddy made it for me.

She extricated herself from the boy’s hold and hopped down off the table. I couldn’t hear her over the noise, but I gathered from the flick of her wrists that she was telling him she’d be back in a minute.

“Hey,” she said as she stopped in front of me. “I waited for you outside the cafeteria, but—”

“Yeah, sorry, I had a question about a geometry problem,” I said, cutting off her lie. She’d never waited for me outside before. Not once during junior high and not once since we started here.

“Who are they?” I asked, looking past her to the group of people now staring at us.

“Alex Furey,” she said, smiling in his direction. Here was a smile I hadn’t seen before—head cocked and perky.

“Okay,” I said, taking a step toward the table. I didn’t care who we sat with so long as I didn’t have to sit alone.

Maddy stopped me, her perfectly pink nails encircling my wrist. I stared down at them, wondering when she’d had time to paint her nails and when she’d started wearing pink. And were those tiny white flowers painted in the middle?

We’d come to school looking nearly identical, so much so that our homeroom teacher did a double take. We were wearing the same jeans, the same hair twisted into a bun, the same boring beige tank tops when we left the house, but somehow she had changed and redone everything from her shoes to her makeup in the last three hours.

“Alex has a cousin your age. He thinks—”

“You mean our age,” I interrupted.

She shrugged that off and steered me toward a table in the back of the cafeteria. “I think you’ll like him. From what Alex says, you two have a lot in common.”

Which translated to: he was smart, quiet, and too quirky for his own family to acknowledge. Apparently, so was I.

“He’s starting an anime club,” she continued, fingering the notebook I had tucked under my tray. It was covered with manga drawings I’d been working on during History class. Some of them were good; most of them were doodles. I had the one I wanted to show her on top. I’d ripped it out of my notebook, thinking I’d give it to her at lunch.

Maddy took the tray from my hands, not once looking at the drawing underneath. “Come on. I’ll introduce you.”

She was a good five steps ahead of me before my feet started moving. I tucked the drawing into my notebook and followed her over. The two kids sitting there looked up when she dropped my tray onto the table. I recognized both of them from Honors English but had no clue who they actually were. They were two guys with longish hair and Mountain Dew T-shirts eating their food and minding their own business until my sister interrupted them.

I swung my head from them to Maddy. Her food, if she had any, her books, and her phone were at the other table.

“It’s Ella, right?” I turned toward one of the boys at the table and nodded, wondering how he knew my name. “I’m Josh.”

“Yup, her name’s Ella,” Maddy offered up when I remained silent. “She’s into that Japanese-cartoon stuff you guys like.”

Maddy nudged me closer, and I stumbled into the corner of the table. “Right, Ella?”

I nodded, still confused, still mute. Until five minutes ago, she was into my “Japanese-cartoon stuff,” too. Last I checked, she had an entire bulletin board dedicated to my drawings. Now she was talking about it like it was some noxious side effect of having an identical twin sister. I followed her gaze to the other table and watched as her entire personality changed instantly in front of my eyes. She shook her head, tossing her hair as she smothered a giggle. Alex winked, and I swore she blushed.

“You’re good, right?” Maddy asked over her shoulder as she danced away. I didn’t bother to answer. I was too busy trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

“You gonna sit?” Josh asked.

“What?”

“I said are you going to sit?”

“Yeah. I guess so.”

I pulled out a chair a safe three seats away from him and sat down. I didn’t speak, just focused on my food, confused and hurt that I’d been dumped—literally dumped—by my own sister.

Three years later I was still sitting at that same table with Josh, but now my sister’s exclusion didn’t bother me.