Текст книги "Aftershock"
Автор книги: Sylvia Day
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Текущая страница: 7 (всего у книги 7 страниц)
I swallowed past the lump in my throat, loving him more in that moment than I ever had. “Not even the White House?”
Jax laughed, his dark eyes sparkling with humor. “He told you about that dream, huh? That was never going to happen. I think Parker looks at me and deludes himself into thinking that he’s looking in a mirror.”
I could believe that.
“I’m not going to live the life he wants, Gia. I’m going to live the life he should have had. I’m going to marry a sweet girl from a great family, and I’m going to keep her sweet and protected and happy. We’ll have a few kids, a couple dogs, and the occasional barbecue with her overprotective brothers.”
“Is that enough excitement for you?”
“Absolutely. Especially if I can get you out of those clothes.”
I walked over to him and placed my hand on his chest, feeling his heart beating strong and steady through his vest. “I want you to be happy. I don’t want you to make sacrifices for me that you’ll regret.”
Setting his hand over mine, Jax pressed his lips to my forehead. “The only time I’ve ever been happy is when I’m with you. As for the rest of it...I felt like I needed to own those words I said to my mother, otherwise what was the point of saying them and causing her that pain? No one can say I’m not stubborn,” he said with a rueful twist to his mouth. “It’s too late to fix what I did to her, but it’s not too late to avoid making the same mistake with you.”
Closing my eyes, I leaned into him. Did he realize that with all the talk of picket fences and children, it was his raw honesty that bound me to him tighter than vows ever could? “I love you.”
His mouth curved against my skin. “I know. And I’ll never doubt it, not after this.”
“Your dad is going to have a hard time letting you go,” I warned, pulling back to study him.
Jax shrugged, but his jaw was set with determination. “Just so long as youdon’t let go.”
“Don’t worry.” Lifting onto the tips of my toes, I nipped his lower lip with my teeth and smiled when he growled. “I’m stubborn, too.”
Epilogue
“I HAVE TO keep telling myself it’s real,” I said, glancing at Lei.
She grinned and gently clinked her champagne flute against mine. “As real as that enormous diamond on your finger.”
As I did several hundred times a day, I extended my hand and admired the five-carat emerald-cut engagement ring Jax had wowed me with. His proposal had been the single most exciting moment in my life, although the opening of the first Trifecta restaurant was nearly up there with it.
I dropped my arm back to my side and turned my attention to the three chefs who were the stars of the party. Chad, David, and Inez stood together as a single unit, talking with the VIPs who’d been invited to the exclusive soft opening of the Atlanta venue.
“Chad looks awesome,” I pointed out unnecessarily. Lei was a red-blooded woman, after all. She knew a prime piece of male eye candy when she saw it. “I’m so proud of him.”
“I’m proud of you,” she said. “We wouldn’t be here now, if not for your dedication and hard work.”
“Thank you for giving me the opportunity.” Seeing the smile on Lei’s face sent a bright sense of accomplishment tingling through me. A lapel pin in the shape of Trifecta’s logo accented her figure-hugging red sheath dress. With her hair down and her eyes bright, she looked young and fresh.
“I feel sorry for her,” she murmured, gesturing discreetly with a slight tilt of her chin.
I followed her gaze and saw Stacy Williams hovering on the fringes of the crowd, her attention on her brother. “I wonder when her first restaurant will launch.”
“Good question. I haven’t heard anything.”
The pretty redhead didn’t look happy. I didn’t know if that was because her brother had shot out of the proverbial gate before she did or because Ian was spending the evening at Isabelle’s side. By all appearances, Ian had a new favorite.
“Does it bother you that he’s here?” I asked, searching the room until I found Jax talking with a man I recognized as the host of a Food Network TV show. Taking a deep breath, I enjoyed the sight of my man, which still hadn’t lessened in impact even after months of living together. He wore an elegant black sweater and dress slacks, and I was looking forward to stripping him out of both in just a few hours.
He caught me staring and winked.
“Ian?” Lei shook her head. “I would’ve been surprised if he hadn’t come. You should say hi to him.”
“Will you?”
She grinned. “When he breaks down and comes to me, yes. I’ll offer him a drink, too. It’s the least I can do.”
Lifting my flute in a farewell toast, I took her advice and started mingling. Eclectic fusion music pumped through the hidden speakers, an audible reflection of the menu. The food was garnering raves and the excitement was high. Opening a new restaurant was always a momentous occasion. Like Lei, I lived for the high.
Soon Vincent would be launching his own Rossi’s. So much to celebrate. Life was getting better every day.
“Congratulations, Gianna. This is quite an accomplishment.”
I stopped and faced Ian Pembry. My mother would call him “dashing.” I thought of him as arresting, with an undeniable charisma.
“Thank you,” I said, holding out my hand to him. “I’ll pass the kudos along to the chefs.”
He kissed my knuckles with firm, dry lips. “I know exactly how much work goes into a successful launch like this. Take the praise—you deserve it.”
I bowed my head in acknowledgment. “I couldn’t have done it without Lei. She’s an awesome mentor.”
Ian’s blue eyes gleamed with amusement and he squeezed my hand before releasing it. “You might be surprised at what you can accomplish without Lei. When you’re ready to take that step, let me know.”
I debated keeping my mouth shut for a minute, then I just went with it. “You blew it with her, you know. She loved you.”
Ian’s face hardened, but before he could reply, his gaze fixed on a point beyond my shoulder. When a steely arm hooked around my waist, I knew who’d drawn his attention.
“Jackson,” Ian greeted him stiffly. “I hear congratulations are in order for you, as well.”
Jax tucked me into his side. “I’m a lucky man who got a second chance.”
I arched a brow at Ian, since Jax’s words tied so neatly into what I’d just said. Ian’s response was a tight smile.
Jax excused us and led me away, his hand cupped around my hipbone in a grip that sent heated thoughts through my mind. “I managed to get us the same room you were in the last time we were here together.”
I remembered that trip well. It had been a turning point for us. The beginning of the end that kicked off a new beginning. “Are you being sentimental?” I teased, drawing to a halt and facing him.
“Still working on fixing past mistakes.”
“Oh? What was the mistake?”
He ran the tip of his finger down the bridge of my nose and his dimple flashed. The one-two punch made me more than a little weak in the knees. “Leaving you naked and wanting. Gotta fix that, baby.”
“I think you’ve left me hanging more than once. Maybe I should make a list.”
Jax’s grin widened. “Absolutely.”
“It might be a long one,” I warned, thinking about all the times he’d gotten me hot and bothered, then made me wait until I thought I’d lose my mind.
He reached for my hand and played with my ring. “Good thing we’ve got plenty of time.”
A lifetime. Which might just be long enough.
* * * * *
We hope you enjoy this
Cosmo Read-Hot read from Mills & Boon.
The sexy romances for today’s fun, fearless female are
dangerously addictive! Sex in real life can often be a little
different from how it appears on the page…and that’s where
Cosmo comes in with honest, relatable advice to make sure
you get exactly what you want in bed—and every
other area of your life.
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So turn the page to discover what advice
Cosmo’s sex psychotherapist, Rachel Morris,
has for women (and a few men!) like you.
Then six Cosmo writers reveal what
they wish they’d known about sex
from the start.
SEX THERAPY
For change-your-life sex advice, ask Cosmo’s sex psychotherapist, Rachel Morris
‘Will I everorgasm?’
Can you please tell me howto have an orgasm? I’m twenty-two and almost ready to give up. I’ve come close, I think, but never actually had one. Can all women orgasm or are there some who just can’t?
Unless you’ve had a nerve-degenerating disease or genital surgery, it’s extremely unlikely that you’re incapable of orgasm. Most women who struggle to achieve orgasm find it hard becausethey struggle. You can’t force your body to come; it has to be encouraged, cajoled and then tipped over the edge. Many teenage girls don’t masturbate, so they don’t learn what makes them purr. Instead, they leave it to the inexperienced fumbling of teenage boys to show them the way.
Tip 1. Masturbate. Tense your thighs and buttocks and focus on your clitoris. 2. Use lube. Try Stimul8 Pure Lube, £5, from Sh-womenstore.com. 3. Relax your mind and focus on the silky sensations and your sexy thoughts. 4. Be patient and persevere.
‘I love porn!’
Is it weird that I like porn? Every guy I know watches it, but no girls. I feel ashamed about what I like to watch, although it’s not what I’d want in real life. But my orgasms are so much stronger with porn.
No one raises an eyebrow about guys masturbating to porn; it’s what men do.But when a woman explores her sexuality away from her lover’s bed, the world winces. Stand up to this inequality by ignoring it. There are things about our sexual tastes we don’t understand or want to share. So what? It’s OK to be private, but shame is destructive—so shame no more! Take care, though: porn is a powerful stimulant. Use it too much and you risk losing the ability to be fully satisfied by a lover.
‘My libido’s gone’
What’s happened to me? I used to love sex, but now I’ll make any excuse not to have it. My boyfriend wants it daily, but I can’t manage more than once a week. I need to find myself again before he finds someone else.
You describe yourself like a sex toy that isn’t doing what it said on the box. Is sex all you believe this guy wants from you, or all you feel you have to offer? Ask yourself what youwant. The pressure you’re putting on yourself to perform is exhausting you. It’s OK for him to want sex 24/7, but you don’t have to provide it. If your relationship can’t survive his momentary disappointment each night, it’s not worth having.
HE WANTS TO KNOW … ‘Am I too kinky?’
I can’t believe I’m saying this but … I can only come with a vibrator up my bum. I fancy women so I’m not gay, but I fantasise about having sex with a strap-on. It’s messed-up, right? Am I abnormal?
With society having such a narrow idea of what’s ‘normal’, it’s no wonder so many of us feel left dangling ‘outside’. There’s nothing freakish about wanting your erogenous zones stimulated, wherever they are. The prostate—close to the anal wall—is extremely sensitive to pressure, which is why plenty of guys enjoy that area being stimulated. Vibrators offer a quick solution, but if you rely on them too much your body can forget how to come without them, so try doing without for a while.
‘I fantasise about my unsexy boss’
My boyfriend thinks I’m great because I role-play for him (he was a virgin before me), but I feel like a terrible person because I secretly fantasise about my boss when I want to come. I don’t even fancy him—he’s old and fat—so why do I do it?
When it comes to sexuality, it’s best not to ask, ‘Why?’. Desire is a constantly evolving, complex mosaic of experiences, thoughts and sensations; why waste time trying to see what’s on each tile when the whole picture brings such pleasure? All sexual fantasies are rooted in having or relinquishing power. Sex with your inexperienced boyfriend might force you (temporarily) into a more dominant role, whereas the ‘boss’ fantasy allows you to feel submissive, which is probably what triggers your orgasm. We can’t control what pops into our heads, but we can decide how to feel about it. Choose notto feel guilty and the problem will go away.
‘I’ve lost my confidence’
I used to be really sexual, then I lost my job and put on loads of weight. Now I can’t stand to be touched. I keep pushing my boyfriend away, but I don’t want to lose him either. How do I get my confidence back?
Losing your job has knocked you, but take a deep breath and hear this—fundamentally, you are who you’ve always been. Try to remember why other people love you. If you can’t find a way to do that, find a therapist to help. Overeating, loss of libido and low self-esteem could be symptoms of depression, so speak to your GP. Your confidence and libido are right where you left them—I promise.
‘Our sex life is dull’
I love my boyfriend, but sex is a massive problem; we hardly ever do it and when we do I never climax and he hardly ever does. I want to talk dirty and use sex toys, but he says they put him off. If I try to guide him, he calls me bossy. I’m at a loss!
Our sex lives reflect our relationship as a whole. When women feel their needs aren’t being met (sexually or otherwise), we grow resentful. When men feel nagged or criticised, theygrow resentful and nothing chokes the life out of a relationship faster. If you want things to change, do things differently. You know what you don’twant, so spend some time discovering what each of you doeswant and doeslike and hope for.
HE WANTS TO KNOW … ‘How many is normal?’
As a Christian, I pledged to save myself for marriage. Then I met my girlfriend, who didn’t want to wait. I love her, so I’m not a virgin any more. I knew I wasn’t her first, but I’ve just learnt I’m her ninth! How many lovers are normal for a twenty-year-old girl?
Firstly, she’s a woman, not a girl. What are you really asking? Whether she’s a slapper or practically a virgin compared to her mates? The ‘average’ number won’t help you decide whether to judge her or not—that’s up to your conscience. Nine represents nothing more than the amount of times she decided (as is her right) to say yes (or not to say no) to sex. Has she judged you for pledging not to have sex and then changing your mind?
‘My boyfriend can’t make me come’
My boyfriend’s really good with his fingers and tongue, but he can’t give me an orgasm. I’m comfortable with him, so it’s not that. I come easily through masturbation and I can even have one in front him, so why can’t he do it for me?
A woman’s orgasm is short-circuited by one of two things—a lack of skills on her lover’s part or a lack of trust on hers. He can’t giveyou an orgasm; he can only facilitate your havingone. If your boyfriend is as skilled as you say, then the only question is, ‘What’s stopping you?’ Do you give up before he does? Get impatient? Worry you’re taking too long? Trust means letting go of these things and maybe that’s hard for you. Some people find it almost impossible to hand over the reins to anyone, because not being in control leaves them feeling vulnerable or anxious. The answer is to stay with it. Let go—and LET HIM TRY.
‘How can I boost my “O”?’
Help—my orgasms used to be so intense I felt like passing out, but now they’re weak and pathetic. I use a Rabbit (or a power shower) and they’ve never let me down before …
It’s unlikely to be physiological, but see your GP to be sure your hormones are healthy. As you don’t mention a partner, I assume it’s down to you to keep your sexual interests perky. Not easy. Alcohol, meds, stress and fatigue all sap the desire, as do masturbating through boredom, doing it too often and sticking with the same toys and fantasies. Research new erotic material, treat yourself to a new device, then tease and linger. Effort = reward.
HE WANTS TO KNOW … ‘Why is she so shy in bed?’
My girlfriend’s twenty (I’m thirty) and quite inexperienced sexually. She’s so nervous it puts me off. We’ve only had sex a handful of times in six months. I don’t want to push her, but I want to have sex! How can I help her get past her nerves?
Shyness can be debilitating and I’m sure she appreciates your patience. You’re right not to push her—it will add to her self-consciousness. But you do have to talk. Choose a quiet, private time on neutral ground—ideally walking hand-in-hand and side-by-side outdoors (this minimises eye contact). Say, ‘I’d like to talk about our sex life—no need to answer now, but I need us to think about how to move forward.’ She may be relieved: you won’t be the only one fretting about it.
Write to: RACHEL MORRIS, Cosmopolitan, 72 Broadwick Street, London W1F 9EP, or e-mail rachel@cosmopolitan.co.uk
SEX MISTAKES BY THE WOMEN WHO’VE MADE THEM
If you could hit rewind on your sex life, what would you go back and change? Six writers reveal what they wish they’d known from the start
‘I wish … I’d known it’s OK to masturbate,’ says writer and blogger Zoe Margolis
When I turned twenty, I was a bit unsure of my sexual self. I was aware that I was bisexual, but didn’t know how to express it. I also had a keen interest in sex, but felt embarrassed about it. I’d love to revisit that time in my life and explore my body a bit more, because I know my lack of confidence came from not knowing myself and what did and didn’t work for me.
Sex with my first-ever boyfriend was disappointing because of that. We’d go in search of my clitoris many times and, while I would occasionally shout, ‘Yes! Yes! That’s it!’, when he came up for air, if he asked, ‘Sorry, where was that again?’, I didn’t know what to say.
We just couldn’t find the right spot and, given that I didn’t know how to bring myself to orgasm at that point, how could I expect him to?
If I’d known that there’s no shame in masturbation and nothing wrong with using my hands or a toy, porn or my imagination, I would’ve learnt earlier that pleasure is a positive thing. Asking for what you know you enjoy, rather than hopingfor it, is empowering.
So I wish I’d become familiar with what felt nice and why and I wish I’d felt more comfortable about satisfying myself. My self-discovery improved not just the pleasure I had on my own, but my enjoyment of sex with others. It was only later in life I realised that these things are inextricably connected.
Zoe wrote the smash-hit blog and bestselling book Girl With A One-Track Mind, writing as ‘Abby Lee’
‘I wish … I’d realised condoms aren’t like crisp packets,’ says writer Sarah Morgan
Despite growing up in the 80s and 90s, when the girl group TLC pinned condoms to their dungarees and Judith Hann fiddled with Femidoms on Tomorrow’s World, the whole experience of buying them makes me go wibbly. It’s complicated and embarrassing, like ventriloquism.
You know when you’re buying mascara and you can’t tell the difference between lengthening, plumping and separating, and you go a bit cross-eyed and start gibbering in Superdrug? It’s basically that feeling, but with sex and shame thrown in.
So, despite spending my twenties as a healthy, uh, liberated, er … What’s the polite way to put this? Despite having been round the block more times than an ice-cream van, I’d (shamefully) always left that side of things to the gentleman. That is, until one fateful night. It was a second date, he was coming to mine and I knew I should stock up. Confronted with lubricated tips and Fetherlites and stimulating nodules, I panicked and grabbed the nearest red box. In my naivety, I thought red meant plain. You know, like crisps.
Turns out I’d picked up something called Tinglers. Ever experienced someone squeezing a whole tube of toothpaste inside you? That’s what this felt like. Meanwhile, he looked like he’d smeared himself in Deep Heat and made a sound like a dog eating a hot chip. I explained the whole ‘red/plain crisps’ rationale and, luckily, he laughed.
Reader, I married him—two years later. Okay, so there are less traumatising ways of accelerating a relationship, like tattooing his face on yours. But it could’ve been worse: we could have had no condoms at all. I know we’re all marvellously liberated now and buy condoms with our cornflakes, but it can still feel a bit awkward to make that move yourself. But don’t be shy; don’t leave it up to him. And just remember that blue usually means ultra-thin. Notsalt and vinegar.
Sarah is a writer for TV and radio sketches, sitcoms and comedy dramas
‘I wish … I’d known eight things,’ says writer and columnist Hannah Betts
1. Know thyself. I’m glad I didn’t have loads of sex in my twenties—I wasn’t ready for it. Things change; keep tabs on what makes you happy.
2. Don’t devote too much time to sex: all lovers come and go. Women pride themselves on ‘making things work,’ but sometimes relationships should be allowed to die.
3. Sex just gets better—and better and better. If you’re already having a blast in the bedroom, then yee-hah!If things are a tad more ‘meh,’ have patience, my friend. Legions of women take a while to get into their sexual stride—but once they do, there’s no stopping them …
4. Beware of oxytocin, the post-coital bonding hormone. Great sex and great love are different things.
5. These days there’s a good deal of performance pressure arising from the ubiquity of porn. This may be up your street or it may not. Consult Makelovenotporn.com for some food for thought.
6. Regarding penises: enormous ones may require sturdier condoms, advanced pelvic-floor skills and telling him to calm the f**k down (not that chaps tend to mind a woman gasping, ‘It’s just SO HUGE.’)
7. Cystitis is the bane of many a twenty-something existence. Try not to be too drunk and dehydrated when you do it. If that’s too tricky, take super-high-dose cranberry pills before, after, next morning and next day. Wash after sex and insist he is hygienic. Persuade your GP that you can be trusted with your own stock of antibiotics.
8. Most importantly, ENJOY.
‘I wish … I’d accepted my imperfections,’ says Alissa Nutting, author of controversial new novel Tampa
I used to believe that every detail of my body needed to be perfect if I was going to hook up with someone. I thought my legs and underarms had to be freshly shaved, my skin devoid of spots, my body in the greatest physical shape of my life. Never did I ask myself if I had the same high standards for my potential partner, although I most certainly didn’t.
Eventually I came to see the ridiculousness of this. Imagine getting the keys to a Ferrari, but refusing to drive it because there’s a bit of dirt on the bumper. Or worse, driving the Ferrari and failing to enjoy it because you’re so worried about imperfections that have nothing at all to do with the ride. Sex is about pleasure, not about scrutinising flaws.
Any mental energy you spend on being self-conscious is brainpower that could be going towards building up to an amazing orgasm. It actually wasn’t until I specifically told myself that the goal of sex was reaching bliss that I realised something scary: my previous goal—the goal that had me checking myself repeatedly in the mirror and putting clothes back on the moment we were done—wasn’t about having fun. It was about seeking acceptance through the physical approval of another person.
Acknowledging my own worth and beauty instead of relying on others to make me feel attractive finally freed me up in the bedroom. Suddenly, I wasn’t waiting for my partners to inspect my body, or worrying what the results would be if they did—I’d already passed my own inspection with flying colours.
Tampa tells the story of a teacher seducing a schoolboy.
‘I wish … I’d known sex is a lifelong learning curve,’ says Cosmo writer Rosie Mullender
Since my first kiss at the ripe old age of eighteen, I’ve learnt a lot. After my first boyfriend pursued my virginity, then refused to bunk off work to bask in the afterglow, I realised that sex doesn’t always have the same emotional impact on men that it does on women.
My second boyfriend only wanted sex once a month. Three years on, I realised that, no matter how much you love him, without a satisfying sex life you’re basically just good friends. To convince myself I was still desirable, I tried a few flings and learnt they’re not for everybody, and that a man wanting to sleep with you and feeling wanted are very different things. And that arriving home on Christmas morning wearing a bedraggled Sexy Mrs Claus outfit will get you in bigtrouble with your mum.
There followed eight blissful years with a man who showed me that even if boxes on your ‘tall, dark and handsome’ wishlist go unticked, being laughed into bed is the most fun ever. That was swiftly followed by a relationship that was the exact opposite, proving even the most passionate sex means nothing if a man can’t make you laugh.
With seventeen years’ sexual experience and six working for Cosmo, you’d think I’d know it all. But I’m still learning (most recent lesson: mainlining cheese is a great distraction during a year-long sex drought).
So what I wish I’d always known is this: no matter how much you think you know about sex, there’s always plenty more to discover.
‘I wish … I’d known how to ask for what I want in bed,’ says TV presenter Cherry Healey
Firstly, I wish I’d known sex wouldn’t be like it’s depicted in Dirty Dancing.The real thing involves more bodily fluid and laughing than in movies. I also wish I hadn’t been in such a rush to pop my Cherry (sorry, couldn’t resist …).
I had a very near miss with a boy under a boat when I was fifteen, after too much Malibu, then a more favourable experience with a long-term (ie, more than a week) boyfriend at sixteen. He was lovely and it was very sweet—but still painful and definitely not ‘sexy.’
No matter how many saucy books, magazines or videos you steal from your elder brother, there’s no fast track to earth-shattering sexytime. Like anything, it’s a skill that needs both practice and a willingness to learn.
I do wish I’d asked myself, ‘What do I like?’ a little more, rather than thinking, ‘I hope he liked that …’
It took a long time (about ten years!) to work up the courage to suggest stuff in the bedroom. What I now know is that when you’re assertive, everyone wins.
And while the fantasy of bonking Patrick Swayze in a sweaty hut is great, real sex often requires tissues and a sense of humour, neither of which often features in film and TV simulations.
I’d tell my fifteen-year-old self to lay off the Malibu, expect to learn the moves gradually, and embrace the real version of sex– notwaste time wondering if I was a bit rubbish.
What do you wish you’d always known about sex?
Tell us at cosmo.mail@hearst.co.uk
No.1 Sunday Timesbestselling author Sylvia Day,
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About the Author
Sylvia Day is a Sunday Times and #1 international bestselling author of over twenty award-winning novels sold in more than forty countries. She is a #1 bestselling author in twenty-one countries, with tens of millions of copies of her books in print. Her Crossfire series has been optioned for television by Lionsgate, and she has been nominated for the Goodreads Choice Award for Best Author. Visit her at www.sylviaday.com, www.facebook.com/authorsylviaday and on Twitter, @SylDay.
Cosmo Red-Hot Reads from Mills & Boon
ISBN: 978 1 472 01606 5
AFTERSHOCK
© 2014 Sylvia Day
Published in Great Britain 2014
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