Текст книги "The Girl Of Tokens and Tears"

Автор книги: Susan Ward

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Текущая страница: 6 (всего у книги 15 страниц)

CHAPTER FIVE

I wait in the driveway as Neil walks to the car. He sinks into the passenger seat and slams his door shut.

I smile. “Where to?”

“Up the mountain. Everyone is up at Knapp’s Castle. We can just go there. Hang out. If you want to.”

Everyone? OK Neil, who is everyone? And what the heck is Knapp’s Castle? Never heard of it. I put the car in reverse.

“OK. Sounds fun.”

He says nothing. I start driving down the road. Fine. Just sit there silently beside me, Neil. It doesn’t bother me any longer.

We’ve spent every day of the last three weeks together. I’ve given up making suggestions on how we should kill time. I wonder if that’s all Neil is doing being with me; killing time until he returns to Berkeley. It should probably bother me, but it doesn’t.

I’ve really had a good winter break with Neil, and when it started I thought this month would be miserable. A new Chrissie low.

I roll to a stop at an intersection, pleased with how well I’m shifting my dad’s car these days. It took an entire afternoon in a parking lot, but Neil finally got me into the swing of things with a stick shift so I wouldn’t bring my dad’s car home without its transmission. Neil is a really patient guy. Even Jack couldn’t teach me this.

I merge onto the freeway and Neil is still silent. He seems tense, and a touch preoccupied. He hasn’t even looked at me once since we pulled from his folk’s driveway. He just sits there, staring out the window. What’s up with that?

We roll to a stop at the lights in the downtown stretch of freeway. I glance at him out of the corner of my eyes. All the time we’ve spent outdoors has darkened his tan to a rich bronze. It makes his bright green eyes just pop from his face. There are more sun streaks in his brown hair. Probably because of all the saltwater and surfing. I like that he never pulls the long waves into a ponytail. Some guys are made for long, messy hair. Neil is definitely one of them. Even that outfit seems to make him look better. He’s wearing a pair of faded shorts, a baggy t-shit, and flip flops. He looks hot today, even sitting there all distant and jerk-like.

A honk makes me return my focus to the road. Crap, green light. I wonder how long I sat there checking him out.

I put the car in gear and start driving again. Ten minutes later, I turn onto the highway to the mountain.

“This may surprise you,” I say, a touch sarcastically, “but I don’t know where Knapp’s Castle is. You’re going to have to start talking soon if you want us to get there.”

Neil rakes his hand through his waves, lets out a poorly concealed long, slow breath, and then turns to look at me.

“Sorry. Just got a lot of shit on my mind,” he says.

“Good or bad?”

He shrugs. “Depends on how you look at it.”

He pulls out his cigarettes and lights one. He adjusts how he’s sitting, as if uncomfortable in his seat, and my eyes follow his hand as he adjusts himself there.

I look quickly away.

Neil points. “Turn right, there at Old San Marcos.”

I turn onto an unfamiliar road that is extremely intimidating. Narrow, curving, and a sharp uphill incline. I turn out on the shoulder before I enter the one lane nightmare.

I unbuckle my seatbelt. “You drive.”

Neil gives me an irritated stare. “You give up too easily. You can do this if you try. It’s not that bad.”

I climb from my seat and slam the door. “I don’t know where we’re going and I’m not driving up that.”

Neil climbs from the car. He holds my shoulders, shaking his head, his greens eyes full of amusement at me. “You could have done it if you’d tried. You’re such a scaredy-cat,” he says

I watch him move to the driver’s side of the car.

Quickly, I mock, “Did you just call me a scaredy-cat? Scaredy-cat? Such a girly thing to say for such a manly guy.”

I make it a point to laugh obnoxiously loud at him.

He arches a brow. “Fine. Would it have been better if I called you a pussy?”

The blood jolts in my veins. He’s pissed, suddenly pissed out of nowhere. I always insult, we always trade barbs. They bounce right off him most of the time. Why did that one piss him off?

I sink onto the passenger seat. Neil is confusing and weird today. He turns the ignition, puts the car in gear, and speeds away from the shoulder with more speed than I think is necessary.

After the first three hairpin turns I’m really glad I made him drive. The road is intense and slow going, and I’m definitely not a fan of the blind-turns as we move up and up the mountain. But it is pretty up here. Lots of old oak trees and tall, brown grass covered fields.

I wonder what it would have been like to grow up like Neil. Always having to invent your own ways to have fun, surrounded by a big family, lots of friends, doing nothing at all, and belonging somewhere. Normal, instead of how I was raised. It’s probably why he’s so comfortable in himself. It’s probably why I’m never comfortable in me.

I lean my head back against the seat and close my eyes. No, Chrissie. No. Don’t go back into the lockboxes. Things are better this year.

After the long drive, the car stops. I open my eyes. There’s nothing here. A dirt road blocked by a rusty fire gate. But there are cars parked all over the clearing.

“Knapp’s Castle?” I ask.

Neil laughs. “I can’t believe you’ve never been up here. What the hell did you and Rene do for fun in high school? Just clubbing and the beach?”

I ignore that. It’s not worth pointing out that I was locked away for eight years in boarding school. It’s also not worth pointing out that clubbing and the beach are normal things people do in Santa Barbara.

He climbs from the car. “It’s a short hike. Not bad. It’s worth it when you get there.”

A hike? So we’re hiking today. He moves on toward the gate without even waiting to see if I follow. He plants his hands on the top rail and effortlessly pulls the rest of his body over.

I stop at the gate. I stare. There is a no trespassing sign.

“Ignore that,” Neil says. “Everyone comes here. It’s open to the public. I don’t know why that sign is there.”

I start to work my way through the wide spread bars, but he shakes his head, amused. He makes an aggravated gesture with his hand for me to move closer to him. Without warning, his hands take hold of my sides and he lifts me easily over the bar.

He sets me on my feet. “It’s easier my way,” he says.

I glare up at him, adjusting my clothes back into place. I’m really regretting the clothes I put on this morning because my shorts suddenly feel too short-short. They rode up for some reason when he lifted me. And I’m definitely not loving this tight tank with bikini top underneath. My boobs also got all out of whack, being manhandled over the barrier.

I look up to find Neil watching me, looking annoyed. I stop fiddling with my clothes. He shoves his hands into his pockets and starts walking.

“Come on,” he says.

We start walking up the dirt path to whatever is at the end of it.

“There are a lot of cars parked at the gate,” I say. “This must be a popular place. Is it always crowded up there?”

“Nope. Never crowded. Hardly anyone ever comes up here.” Neil sighs. “As for the cars, I should have told you, but this is sort of a family thing with my cousins. We all take off this weekend. They go back to school. I go back to mops and brooms.  We always just get together here at the end of a holiday. Just sort of a family thing we do.”

My eyes round. A family thing with his cousins. It surprises me that he wanted me to tag along with him today. He hasn’t let me within ten feet of his family since that day I met them.

“So what is Knapp’s Castle?” I ask.

Neil shrugs. “Just some mansion that was built. I don’t know when, around the early nineteen hundreds. Then there was a fire, like thirty years later, and ever since it’s sat there, in ruins. It’s cool though, trust me.”

A burned out mansion. Interesting.

“Lots of people believe it’s haunted,” he says, amused. “People get swept away with such bullshit, but we used to come here on Halloween when we were in high school.”

“Why haunted?”

“The rumor is, some rich guy built it for a woman he loved. She never came to him here. So when it burnt down he left it that way and now he haunts it.”

I smile. “I like that story. It’s romantic.”

Neil’s eyes darken. “Only a girl would see that as romantic. Building a house for someone who doesn’t want you and then losing everything by fire.”

I roll my eyes. “Well, it doesn’t sound romantic the way you put it.”

Neil frowns. “It’s not romantic any way you put it. There is nothing romantic about loving someone who fucks up your life.” He says that practically through gritted teeth.

I focus on the path as we continue to walk. I wonder if it’s her, if she’s what has him acting grumpy and weird today. I don’t know Neil’s ex-girlfriend’s name. He’s never mentioned it. We don’t pry into each other’s shit from the past.  I stare down at my feet. We both have shit from the past.

I freeze when we get to the top of the hill. It is only a burned-out mansion, but it’s incredible. The edge of the cliff is covered with old sandstone and wood, arches that were something once, steps, and some walls. Just ruins. Neil was right about that. But through the arches is pouring the sun, and everything has a stunning orange patina.

The sound of lots of people floats downward from somewhere.

Neil gives me a slight smile. “I thought you’d like this, even if all my cousins are here. I should have probably asked if that’s OK with you before I brought you here.”

“Don’t worry about it. I like your cousins.”

Casually he drapes an arm around my shoulder. “Come on. There should be food. Music. If we stay after dark there’ll be a fire. It’s usually pretty chill when we get together up here. I promise. It won’t be awful.”

I laugh. It almost sounds like Neill is dreading this.

When he reaches the stone steps, his arm moves from my shoulder, and he takes my hand. Carefully this time, he guides me upward with him.

At the top step, I stop. Beyond the pillars are rolling green foothills, the city, the ocean, and the islands. But that’s not all I find. The dirty, speckled wood floor is set up for a lazy afternoon in the sun, and practically overfilled by people. It’s not just the cousins. It’s a couple’s thing, and instantly confusing why Neil brought me here.

I don’t have time to figure out that one. Mia Stanton’s eyes have locked on me. Her pretty face is awash with excitement. She starts hopping on her feet pointing at her brother Taylor and saying, “Pay up. Pay up. Pay up.”

Taylor shakes his head. Mia laughs. She looks at me. “I knew you were the girl Neil doesn’t talk about. I knew he would bring you today. I won the bet.”

Neil closes his eyes and shakes his head. “Fuck, Mia, can you be less tactful? I really want to know. Does it get worse than this?”

Mia shrugs, unaffected, and laughs again. “I won the bet. You brought a date. I deserve some gloating time.”

She focuses her trademark Stanton green eyes on me.

“He never brings anyone. Not since we started doing this in high school. Not one time. Neil is so weird about his girlfriends.”

“Why would I bring a date here? You guys are all such jerks,” Neil says, but in a good-humored way.

Mia laughs. Unruffled. Her eyes fix on me again. “Are you really Jackson Parker’s daughter?”

I smile, but it surprises me that Neil talked about me to his family. “Yep. That’s my dad.”

Mia’s eyes widen, sparkly. “The family practically shit a brick when they heard that one.” Then, she teases, “What the hell are you doing with, Neil?”

That earns Mia another aggravated grimace from her cousin.  “Is the whole day going to be like this, Mia? Just tell me now so we can leave,” Neil says.

“Why don’t you go away and get something for Chrissie to drink? You don’t have to hover over her like you’re protecting her from us.” Her gaze shifts back to me. “He thinks we’re obnoxious.”

“You are obnoxious,” Neil corrects. “Do you want something to drink, Chrissie?”

I notice more than a few beer cans and wine coolers around me. “Just a diet soda if you’ve got one.”

I stand with Mia as Neil ambles away. As soon as he’s out of earshot, her gaze grows curious, sparkly again. “Did you really have a thing with Alan Manzone?”

I blush. “We dated. Briefly.”

She laughs. “Dated, huh? Crap. How can you be so cool about everything?”

I change the subject, remembering something Mia said. “Haven’t you ever met any of Neil’s girlfriends? He must have had tons of them in high school. You should see how crazy the girls at Cal are over him.”

Mia’s eyes widen. She shakes her head. “It must be slim pickings at Cal if they’re crazy over a guy pushing a broom. Now I know I made the right decision choosing UCLA.” She laughs, then blushes. “Sorry. That was kind of a crummy thing to say to you. You’re dating Neil.”

Her gaze shifts to Neil as if making sure he’s safely out of distance not to hear.

“He had a long time thing all through high school. Never met her. Neil has just always been sort of off from the rest of us. In his music. In his own world.  Private about everything. I always just assumed she was part of the music thing. Other than Josh Moss, I never met any of the guys in Neil’s band. He didn’t bring them around the family either.  I figured he just didn’t want to get more shit. God, his dad gives him such shit about not going to college and the music thing.”

“Mr. Stanton shouldn’t give him shit. Neil is an incredible musician.”

Mia’s smile is beaming. “That’s what I think, too.” She shakes her head. “But the family. They think he’s being irresponsible and fucking around in his life.”

Mia takes my hand, pulling us towards the rest of them. “We’re going to be great friends. I just know it. Now I’ve someone to hang with when I’m in Berkeley.”

Seven hours later, I’m lounging on a blanket, the party is still raging, and I’m trying to follow Mia’s nonstop talking.

Neil sinks behind me. He startles me by pulling me between the V of his legs, easing me back against his chest, and surrounding me with his arms. He’s been very boyfriend-like today. Keeping me close to him.  Never leaving me for a moment by myself with his cousins. Touching me randomly. Making sure I always have what I need.

Why is he doing this? It feels odd. It’s almost like he wants his cousins to think we really are a couple.

A small fire flickers, pops, and dances from a portable fire pit, and it is dark on the mountain. The laughter, drinking, and music hasn’t stopped all day. The cousins definitely like to party. Some of them are drunk. Some of the cousins are a little high.

It surprises me Neil didn’t take a hit from the weed being passed around. He seems like a guy who would smoke weed. But no weed. No booze. There is still a lot I don’t know about Neil.

I smile at Tony as he crosses the wooden floor, hand out stretched with joint.

“Come on, Neil. You’re more fucking fun when you’re high.”

“Get that away from me,” Neil says brushing him off.

Tony laughs. “I get it.  I get it. Want to keep sharp tonight. I definitely would if I were you.”

He leans into Neil. I can hear him say something, but I can’t catch the words. Every muscle in Neil’s body hardens at once. I’m looking over my shoulder just as Neil gives his cousin a hard shove back.

“You’re fucking wasted, Tony. Get out of my face.”

Tony laughs and goes back to his girlfriend.

After about five minutes,   Neil’s face moves until his cheek is warm against my neck, his lips almost touching my ear. “Let’s get out of here,” he says in a low, angry voice.

I search his face. Shit, what happened here? Neil is keyed-up and fuming.

He doesn’t wait for my answer. He pulls his arms and body from me.  He springs to his feet.

“We’re going to head out,” he announces to no one in particular.

Mia, sitting on the other side of the blanket, sits up in alarm. “No. Don’t go. It’s still early.”

Neil holds out a hand for me. “We’re out of here,” Neil snaps in a harsh and angry way.

My eyes round, trying to figure out what changed everything. His rude manner with Mia makes no sense.

Without saying goodbye to the rest of them, Neil starts pulling me toward the stairs. I send quick waves here and there. Over my shoulder I see Mia hold up her hand, pinky and thumb, wiggling it by her ear. She mouths: Call me. I nod. Of all of Neil’s cousins, Mia is my favorite. She scribbled her number in black ink on my wrist four hours ago.

He starts tugging me faster along behind him. We’re on the path going back to the car. It’s dark. I can hardly see where I’m going, and it’s really hard to keep up with him.

I shake my hand from his and stop. “Slow down. I can’t walk that fast.”

Neil turns toward me. “I need to get out of here. Like now, Chrissie. Or I’m going to go back there and punch my cousin.”

My eyes widen.

“OK. But I can’t walk that fast.”

With his hand, he rakes back his hair. “I’m sorry. I’ll walk slower.”

We walk the rest of the way to the car. Neil unlocks my door, opens it, and then sprints around to the driver’s seat. He’s practically running for his door when he usually lumbers. I barely have my seatbelt latched before he’s maneuvering us quickly down the mountain.

I push back in my seat, turning just enough toward him so I can see him. The tic in his cheek is working double time. His jaw is tense. He shifts through the gears aggressively, not smoothly. He’s silent. He’s pissed off.

When we get to Neil’s parents’ house, he doesn’t park in the driveway. He pulls ahead, under a tree, out of view of the front windows.

He turns off the car. Silence. He takes several hard breaths, in and out, as if he’s trying to calm down.

“I fucking hate them sometimes,” he says on a ragged exhale of breath. “I’m sorry I did this. I’m sorry I took you there.”

My eyes widened. He sounds really upset. “Your cousins are nice. I had a good time.”

I watch his expression change several times. Finally, he looks at me.

“Tony said something about you before we left. Did you hear it?” Neil asks.

He looks nervous about this. Worried. Furious.

I shake my head. His expression tells me I don’t want to ask what Tony said. Tony was really wasted tonight. I can’t imagine what could change Neil from calm, smiling Neil to anxious and enraged Neil.

I take in a breath. “No.”

His jaw and mouth tighten and untighten, several times.

“Tony was wasted,” I say.

“Tony is an asshole. He thinks he knows things he doesn’t. He says things he shouldn’t. He’s an asshole.”

God, he’s really angry, and for some reason, really distraught by a rude comment made by his wasted cousin.

“I had a good time today, Neil. Don’t let Tony ruin what was a pretty fine day. He’s your cousin. Let it go,”

Neil’s eyes shift towards me. He searches my face, and then a ragged, exhale of breath pushes its way from his chest into the air. He starts to unbend.

“I had a good time with you,” he says. “I always have fun when I’m with you.”

“I have fun when I’m with you.”

The last of the tension eases from Neil’s face. “Who would have thought we’d ever end up friends?” he teases.

I smile. “Definitely weird, but I kind of like it.”

He touches my face. He looks surprised by it too. “So do I, Chrissie.”

Then something changes in Neil’s eyes. I don’t see the movement of his body toward me, me being pulled into him, his face lowering to mine, and his arm lifting so he can bury his fingers in my hair, moving my face with the movement of his kiss.

Whatever I imagined kissing Neil would be like before this night is shattered with the first touch of his lips. This is no feather-light, tentative first kiss. It’s hungry and demanding. He plunders my mouth with his, and the taste of him is delicious and new, making me pulse everywhere, in time with each stroke of his tongue.

I melt into him, my too long denied senses greedily absorbing the taste, the feel, the heat in him. We’re both moaning loudly. We’re both fucking each other’s mouth. We’re both straining and wanting.

My anxious hands roam and touch him everywhere, learning the feel of him, eager to get closer and closer to him.

The kiss breaks. I’m breathing hard. I’m wet and wanting there, for the first time since…I push the thought away.

My gaze fixes on Neil. His hair has tumbled forward, hiding his face, but I can see he’s trying to collect himself.

“Oh fuck,” he exhales, his fingers tightening around the steering wheel.

I stare at him. My body surprises me by how strongly I want Neil.

Neil looks up, his gaze heated as he meets my stare, the lines of his face tense. “Give me a minute, Chrissie. I can’t get out of the car yet.”

I lean into him, putting my mouth back on his, and my hand drifts lower. I can feel his erection thick and straining within his shorts. I push into him as much as I can from my seat. My tongue attacks his. My fingers brush him there.

He starts kissing me back, matching my fever, and our bodies are both moving urgently as if trying to figure out how to get closer to each other in the car. I’m about to climb over the center console, when Neil grabs my wrist, stopping me.

He pulls free his erection from his shorts. There’s a little bit of cum already on it. He rubs it along himself, and then guides my hand to him, showing me how to stroke him. He swells in my fingers, moves my hand faster, then moves his own hand to feel to his balls and squeeze before he returns to control my hand running up and down the length of him. Faster. Faster.

My arousal heatedly courses through my body. The feel of getting him off with my touch, feeling him surrender to my fingers, has my body going full throttle. The way he’s moaning. His mouth punishing as he kisses me. Every part of me is desperate to have him in me.

He stretches back in his seat. He’s shaking and groaning. He pulls his lips free. Eyes closed and head back, he breathes, “Oh fuck, oh fuck, of fuck…” and then my fingers are a sticky and warm mess. His shakes quiet into quivers. His ragged breathing takes on a steady rhythm.

I stare at him, the blood pulsing through my body, urgent in my sex, and he’s trying to recover from his passion empty cock.

“Oh fuck,” he breathes again, this time in distress, not pleasure.

He doesn’t look at me. He covers his eyes with his forearm. “I’m a fucking asshole, Chrissie. I don’t want to fuck up our friendship. Our friendship matters to me. I don’t want to ruin it by complicating it.”

My scalp prickles as by body goes cold. He sounds angry. I’ve just given him a hand job. He wanted it. And now he’s angry.

He looks at me. “That was a really selfish, prick move to make, but I’ve had a fucking boner every time I’ve been around you for the last three weeks.”

My eyes widen. He always plays it so cool. Why doesn’t he make a move on me?

He reaches past me into the glove box and starts searching through my dad’s things. He finds a packet of tissues and pulls out a handful, hands some to me, then proceeds to clean himself off before he tucks his dick back in his shorts. He crumples the tissue in his hand as he unbuckles his seat belt.

He closes his eyes and shakes his head. He makes a face. “I can’t believe I just came in Jackson Parker’s car.”

He says it like it’s disgusting.

“Are you OK?” he asks.

I nod, fighting to keep my emotion from my face.

“Are you pissed?”

I shake my head, and he climbs from the car as I ease myself over the center console into the driver’s seat. He stares down at me from outside the open door.

“I’ll call you tomorrow,” he says quietly.

I struggle to talk. “Sure, Neil.”

“Night, Chrissie.”

He shuts the door. I watch him walk to his parents’ porch. He pauses there, staring at me. I turn the key in the ignition and accelerate away from the curb.

By the time I reach the house my mind is a torrent of conflicting thoughts and emotions. I’m too wired to go to sleep.

I cut through the front entry hall toward the kitchen. I stare through the wall of glass. Jack is on the patio, sitting on a chaise, still awake, and waiting up for me.

I go out the French doors and settle on a lounger beside him. I hug my knees with my arms.

“Did you have a good time tonight, baby girl?”

I nod. I lay my cheek on my knees so I can meet Jack’s gaze. “Daddy, why are guys so complicated?”

Jack laughs. “I don’t know that we are. We’re pretty much what you see. What we say, what we do, is what you get.”

I bite my lower lip. I debate. I feel so lame wanting relationship advice from my dad.

“Neil likes me. Like into me, likes me. But he doesn’t want to like me and I don’t know why. What’s wrong with me that a guy wouldn’t want to like me, when he already does?”

Jack’s blue eyes soften. “There is not a thing wrong with you. If he likes you, it’ll happen. You don’t need to make it happen. It just will. Maybe he’s got some shit to work through. People have shit, Chrissie. It doesn’t have anything to do with you.”

I hug my legs tighter against me. Last spring Linda Rowan said the very same thing to me. It’s strange to hear the exact same words out of Jack today.

I turn to stare out at the ocean. Being with Neil feels so much different than it felt being with Alan. No easier for me. No less confusing. Different. No less weird.