Текст книги "Before Jamaica Lane"

Автор книги: Samantha Young

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Текущая страница: 15 (всего у книги 19 страниц)

So I let him look into my eyes while he made love to me, until I came with tears in them.

I let him push my uncertainty aside.

I let him back in.

Nate came hard, his grip on my body almost bruising as he threw his head back and groaned his release. Once his hips stopped jerking against mine, a strange stillness came over him. An alertness. Our eyes met, and whatever Nate saw in mine had him rolling off me as if I was on fire.

Quickly he took off the used condom and threw it in the trash can. He immediately started pulling his jeans back on.

Something was very wrong.

‘You’re not staying?’

He didn’t answer, and that line of tension was back in his shoulders. I waited as he put his shirt on. Not meeting my eyes at first, he dragged a hand down his face, and then finally looked at me.

My heart pounded as I sat up. I swallowed a wave of nausea.

‘I’m ending this, Liv. I can’t do it anymore.’

I felt like my rib cage was closing in on my lungs. ‘You –’ I shook my head. ‘You make love to me and then … end it?’

‘That’s why.’ He clenched his jaw tightly. ‘Make love to you? That was never what this was about.’

Anger tore through me as I got out of the bed, reaching for a nightshirt so I wouldn’t feel so vulnerable. I yanked it on over my head and then spun around, hands on my hips. ‘Why did you come here tonight? If you were going to end it?’

‘Because I wasn’t sure it needed to be ended … but after that …’ His voice trailed off as he gestured helplessly toward the bed.

I stared at the bed, where he’d been so tender only moments before. ‘I was just following your lead.’

‘Don’t,’ he snapped at me. ‘Don’t give me those wounded eyes and that hurt tone. We agreed that this was just sex. And you promised.’ His eyes softened now, almost pleading. ‘You promised it wouldn’t ruin us.’

‘You want me to hold to that promise? Nate, don’t lie to yourself! For the past six weeks we’ve been in a relationship, and I’m sick of pretending it isn’t. You’re here most nights and it’s not just sex. It’s friendship and affection and tenderness.’ I didn’t want to cry, but I could feel the tears burning behind my eyes. ‘We make each other laugh and we get each other. What’s so wrong with that?’

‘I can’t believe you,’ Nate whispered hoarsely, sounding and looking betrayed.

Ice slivered over my heated skin, making me shiver in a cold sweat.

‘I’ve told you over and over that I don’t want that and you sat there and murmured your understanding and gave me your fucking assurances and all the time you were manipulating me!’ He ended on a roar that made me flinch.

He was shaking.

I’d never seen him like this.

When I didn’t say anything he turned to leave.

That’s when I found my voice. ‘I wasn’t the one who asked you to sleep over after sex. You did that. I didn’t ask you to be here almost every night. You did that. I didn’t cuddle you on the couch. You did that. I didn’t ask you to come home and meet my parents. You did that.’

Nate stopped, his jaw locked, glaring at my carpet.

The realization that I was about to lose him forever hit me.

I couldn’t breathe as invisible hands ripped me open.

Blinded by tears, I told him softly on shallow breaths, ‘Looking back, I think you knew that there was more here. There were moments when I felt you pull away and I thought that was it – this, between us, was over. But then you’d come back. Why?’

This time when his eyes met mine I knew I recognized fear in his.

‘Liv, don’t.’

‘Don’t? Don’t, why?’

‘Because …’ He bit the word out, his tone ugly. ‘If you say any more I’ll be forced to say things I don’t want to.’

I curled my lip in disdain. ‘Just say them. Come on. Just say it! I’m a big girl.’

‘Don’t make this ugly.’

‘You’ve already made this ugly with your goddamn mixed signals, so just say it!’

‘Fine. I don’t love you. I can’t and I won’t and you knew that, so don’t stand there like some victim.’

I laughed harshly through the agony of his words, hating him so much in that moment. ‘Last week I thought you might just be the best person I ever met in my life. Last week I loved you like I’ve never loved anyone.’ It was a bitter relief to finally admit it to the both of us. ‘You taught me to be brave again, Nate.’ I swiped at the tears, my heart catching painfully as his eyes seared into mine. ‘How can such a coward teach someone to be brave?’

He flinched.

Good.

‘You know what else you taught me?’

He didn’t answer.

‘You taught me to believe in myself all the way through. You taught me that I’m worth more than what I see in the mirror. So today, as you try to teach me the opposite lesson, I say fuck you.’ I smiled humorlessly, licking the salty tears off my lips. ‘I deserve to be loved. All or nothing.’

As if he realized where I was going with this, a flicker of unease entered Nate’s expression. He took a step toward me. ‘Liv, I never made you any promises, you know that.’

‘Stop playing dumb. You’ve been in this with me for the last six weeks! This wasn’t just a casual fuck, Nate. It’s me!’

‘You promised …’

Exhausted, I stumbled back from him. ‘You’re right, I did. I didn’t expect you to blur the lines, though. We blurred the lines. At least I can admit it. But if you admit it, you have to admit what a selfish bastard you’ve been, and I don’t think you’re going to do that.’

‘You’re wrong,’ he growled. ‘I admit it. I thought we could be best friends and have sex. It didn’t work. And I kept coming back and making it worse because I didn’t want to lose your friendship. I’m sorry. But you know me. You know I don’t do relationships. You know that. Don’t hold it against me. Just be … my bloody friend.’

I looked at him incredulously. ‘I just told you that I’ve fallen in love with you.’

I started to cry harder as he flinched again.

‘You expect me to be able to be around you now?’

‘Liv, don’t do this.’

‘I have to. I’m sorry. For the sake of my sanity I have to. You walk out that door, Nate … if you walk out that door … don’t ever come back.’

The muscle in his jaw ticked. ‘You don’t mean that.’

‘Oh, come on,’ I replied sadly. ‘You just told me you don’t love me and you never will. I doubt you’ll even miss me.’

There was so much pain in his voice when he whispered his plea. ‘Olivia, don’t.’

That obvious pain stopped me in my tracks. The hope being that beneath all the confusion and anger and uncertainty, Nate really cared … and he was just frightened. So I gave him one last shot to be brave.

‘I love you, Nate. Do you love me?’

I knew it was over when tears glimmered in his eyes. ‘I never meant to hurt you, babe.’ His voice was thick with emotion.

My own tears spilled quicker. ‘I guess that was good-bye.’

21

I found myself in a staring match with the bird outside my window again. I didn’t know what it was, but it was tiny. Some kind of tit probably. He or she had brown feathers, a white neck, and this really cool jet-black Mohawk. We’d been staring at each other on and off for the last few days.

I’d decided it was a ‘he’ and named him Bob.

‘Hey, Bob,’ I whispered, my chin resting on the back of my couch. He was sitting on my window ledge, his neck moving in tight little jerks from me to the world outside. ‘It still hurts today.’

He stilled, cocking his head at me.

‘Yeah. Are you sick of me yet?’

His head cocked to the other side.

‘I’ll take that as a yes. Don’t worry.’ I heaved a sigh, feeling my lips tremble. ‘I’m sick of me too.’

That awful night Nate had walked out of my apartment for the last time, I’d been somewhat hysterical. I couldn’t stop crying, and no matter how hard I attempted to squeeze my arms around myself I couldn’t numb the pain.

It was a singular kind of pain. A pain I already knew well.

Loss.

Somehow, somewhere, maybe even long before we started a physical relationship, Nate had crept inside me until he flowed in my blood and rested in my breath. He’d become integral to a life that I looked forward to living each day, and the knowledge that I would no longer hear him laugh, or feel his lips on mine, or feel complete when I looked in his eyes, was insufferable to my body. It reacted as if someone had ripped off a limb or removed a vital organ. I’d felt something similar upon losing Mom, but with Nate it was different in that he chose to leave me. That added a different hurt to the pain – a sting, like a paper cut across the heart.

‘Does it sound melodramatic to you, Bob?’ I whispered, dry-eyed from having cried an ocean’s worth of tears in the last few days.

Bob looked away as if he was bored.

‘Yeah, that’s because you’ve never been in love. Don’t do it. You might as well put yourself through a meat grinder.’

The crying jag that first night was so bad I had to call in sick to work the next day. I managed to pull myself together enough to go in on Thursday, but my colleagues knew right away that something was majorly up. I was quiet – not sullen, but just trying to keep the pain in lockdown. As soon as I got out of there I headed straight home, ignoring texts from Jo and a call from Joss. When Dad called, I answered. I didn’t convince him I was okay, but I convinced him to let me have space. Friday was much the same. Saturday I stayed home all day, only taking time to answer Ellie’s text about going to the bar that night. I was in no state of mind to go anyway, but the knowledge that Ben might be there put me in full panic mode. I told her I was sick and couldn’t make it.

Jo called. I ignored her. Finally she sent me a text.

If you don’t answer i’m

coming around. Cam spoke

to nate. Cam thinks you

guys had a fight. Are you

okay? Xoxo

I sucked in a teary breath and texted her back.

I’ll explain later. I’m not

feeling well. I’m in bed.

Xoxo

Okay. Let me know if you

need anything. xoxo

I didn’t do that.

Instead I wallowed on my couch for the rest of the night and well into Sunday morning.

When Dad called again to ask me if I was attending Sunday lunch with the Nicholses, I made my excuses. He started to get a little more concerned.

I wouldn’t know how concerned until my attention was ripped from Bob the bird at the sound of a key turning in my lock.

My heart jumped in my throat. For one second the fleeting hope that it was Nate absolutely paralyzed me.

The sight of Jo’s worried face was like a big-ass rusty nail popping my balloon.

‘What –’ I cut off as Jo walked in, followed by Ellie and Joss.

Jo waved a key in her hand. ‘Uncle Mick called and told me he was worried about you. He gave me his spare key.’

‘Aren’t you supposed to be at lunch?’ I pulled my nightie over my knees while smoothing my other hand through my ratted hair. I was a mess. My apartment was a mess. There were empty food packets all over the kitchen counter, dirty plates on my coffee table, crumbs on my hardwood floors, and a musty smell that could only be the result of a human inhabiting one space for too long.

Shrugging out of their jackets, the three of them stared around at my place and then at me, little matching furrows appearing between their brows.

‘Okay, first things first.’ Jo quickly began tidying up my mess while I watched, blinking stupidly as Ellie helped and Joss wandered into my kitchen to switch on the kettle.

Five minutes later the place looked marginally better, although it still needed cleaning. Jo sat down on the couch next to me as Ellie kicked off her shoes and curled up beside her. Joss put a tray of tea, coffee, and biscuits on the table and settled into my armchair.

They all stared at me, waiting.

I immediately burst into tears.

So maybe I wasn’t completely dried out.

Tears shimmered in Jo’s eyes and she gently pushed my legs aside so she could pull me into her arms for a hug. ‘I totally smell,’ I sobbed. ‘I’m so sorry!’

‘Ssh.’ She shushed me and rubbed my back soothingly.

After a while my tears subsided to sniffles and Jo eased me back, tenderly tucking strands of my unwashed hair behind my ears.

‘Do you want to tell us what’s going on?’

I lowered my gaze. ‘I think you know.’

She sighed. ‘Nate.’

I looked up at her, my gaze flickering to a concerned Ellie and Joss. ‘It started as a favor …’

Tuckered out from telling them the whole story, I slumped back on the couch and stared at the ceiling. ‘I feel like if I move, all my insides are going to fall out. I hate it. I hate him for making me feel this way.’

‘Liv’ – Joss leaned forward, elbows on her knees – ‘I want to be able to tell you that he’ll come around, because it sounds like he’s going through what I went through. But I can’t tell you that. I don’t know how he feels about you or what it was like between you. I do know that if I didn’t love Braden so goddamn much I wouldn’t have come around. I just wouldn’t have. So without the one hundred percent certainty that Nate is as crazy about you as I am about Braden, my advice is to move on. I know you probably want to punch me for saying it, but I can’t help but feel it’s the best advice.’

Ellie’s eyes filled with sincerity and sympathy. ‘I agree, sweetie. I think as much as it hurts, you’re going to have to start moving on.’

I looked at Jo, but she wasn’t looking at me. She was sipping her tea quietly.

Too quietly.

‘Jo? What do you think?’

‘The girls have a point,’ she replied.

‘Jo?’

Sighing heavily, Jo met my eyes. ‘Cam and I have been suspicious of the two of you for weeks. I saw how you are together. It was … it’s special.’ She gave me an almost apologetic smile. ‘I’d like to believe that there’s a chance for the two of you. I don’t know … maybe you should just give him time to miss you.’

Ellie smirked at Joss. ‘Didn’t Braden have a similar plan?’

Joss rolled her eyes. ‘Yes.’

‘And did it work?’ Jo asked.

‘Well … yeah … but –’

‘But Joss is right,’ I whispered. ‘Nate might miss me at first but not for long. He cared about me. He didn’t love me. He told me he didn’t love me.’

‘So …’ Jo’s eyes dimmed with disappointment.

I shrugged, the tears threatening to fall again. ‘I guess I better buy a giant-ass bandage to wrap up my insides … I’ve got to find a way to move on.’

Musical therapy. My first attempt at moving on.

Creating a playlist on my iPod Nano, I decided that the independent musical roars of Kelly Clarkson, Pink, Aretha Franklin, and other ladies who refused to be broken by an ill-fated love affair might just be the best way forward.

At work that Monday I went all out with my hair and makeup, wearing my favorite skinny jeans and purple silk blouse. It was part of the therapy. If I wanted to feel good on the inside, I had to start with the outside.

Since I was splitting my morning between the office and reshelving the reserve section, I approached Angus to ask a favor.

He looked down at my iPod with a frown. ‘You want to what?’

‘It’s just in the morning. When I’m working front of house in the afternoon I’ll of course take the earbuds out.’

Angus searched my face before taking the iPod none too gently out of my hands. ‘What are you listening to?’ His thumb moved over the screen quickly and as he scrolled through my playlist his features softened with understanding. When he looked up at me his blue eyes were concerned. He handed the iPod back to me. ‘Okay. Just for this morning.’

‘Thank you. I appreciate it.’

I turned and started to put the buds in my ears when Angus said my name. I looked back at him as he asked, ‘Was it anyone I know?’

My heart turned over in my chest. ‘It was Nate.’

And since Angus knew how close I was to Nate, I wasn’t surprised when he blanched and whispered, ‘I’m sorry, honey.’

I smiled sadly back at him. ‘You’re a great boss. You know that, right?’

‘Best ever,’ he agreed softly.

A while later, with Pink singing ‘So What’ in my ears, I was tucked in the back of the reserve section shelving new articles and taking out ones that were no longer being used. While I concentrated on doing my job and letting the female vocalists’ words of wisdom seep into me, I tried my hardest not to sing out loud.

That’s probably why I didn’t catch his approach out of my peripheral and why when I felt a hand clamp down on my shoulder I got such a fright that my knees gave out. I caught the end of my shriek as I yanked my earbuds out in midfall.

Ass on the floor, I gazed up at my frightener.

Ben stood over me, struggling not to laugh. ‘Olivia’ – he reached out a hand, his shoulders shaking with mirth – ‘I’m so sorry. Let me help you.’

So far beyond the point of being mortified at this kind of thing now, I let him pull me to my feet. ‘It’s okay.’ I beat at the dust on my jeans. ‘We’re not usually allowed to listen to music and now I know why.’

He grinned. ‘I am sorry.’

I gave him a tired smile. ‘No, you’re not, but I wouldn’t be either. It was funny.’

Still smiling, beautiful green eyes twinkling, Ben shifted the strap of his backpack as he stared at me. Not too long ago, being the focus of his attention would have put butterflies in my belly, so it was to my chagrin that I discovered … nothing. I felt absolutely nothing when I stared at him.

My shoulders slumped.

‘I went to that bar on Saturday, but I didn’t see you or your friend there.’

‘I’m sorry. I was sick.’

‘Oh.’ His brows drew together. ‘I hope you’re feeling better.’

He was so nice. So, so nice. And so cute.

‘I am, thank you.’

He glanced nervously over his shoulder, and then turned back, taking a step closer to me. ‘Look, I would really like to have dinner sometime. With you.’ He smiled, all rugged and handsome. ‘Can I have your number?’

It was impossible. I’d broken up with Nate only a week ago … if you could call it breaking up. My heart was in tatters. Clearly all my sexual feelings had fled when Nate had. And … you know … I’d only just begun musical therapy. I needed to give it some time to kick in and start working.

I couldn’t go on a date.

I just couldn’t.

‘Yes,’ I answered, nodding and smiling as he pulled out his phone so I could recite my number to him.

A smaller version of myself slapped me upside the head. What is the matter with you? she yelled, but I ignored her, gazing up into Ben’s face and praying that in time the butterflies I used to feel for him would come back.

22

Musical therapy did not work.

Like I didn’t know that was coming.

I blamed it all on my apartment.

After work on Monday I opened the door to my place and just stood there, gazing around the room. Every part of it reminded me of him. The couch where we’d hung out for hours over the last year. We’d had really great sex – God, no, out-of-body-experience sex on it too. More than once. More than a handful of times actually. Then there was the kitchen, where we’d eaten dinner and chatted. And yes … we’d christened the counter. The wall by the door. The wall by the window. The shower. My bedroom.

It was all him. Everywhere.

I ached. I ached so much that even my gums and teeth ached for want of him. I kicked my door shut and slumped against it. The only hope was that this feeling would pass. Eventually I had to start functioning like a normal human being again. Right?

Either that or I needed to start looking for a new apartment. Yet the thought of leaving the place where all my memories of him were …

I needed to see him.

I pulled my phone out of my bag with trembling hands and held it up, my thumb brushing over the screen. I’d deliberately avoided doing this since the breakup.

My breath left me as I opened the picture gallery on my cell and started flicking through it. The last picture I’d taken of Nate was him smiling as he drove the rental toward his parents’ house before things got weird that day. The next was of us both. Nate was giving the camera this sexy, low-lidded smirk as I held it over us while we were lying in bed. My head rested on his shoulder as I smiled happily. The next one was worse because we were kissing in it.

It was like a knife in my gut.

I quickly flicked past it.

There was another shot of him with his head buried in the pillow, hiding from me. And then there were plenty of me, because if you put a camera in Nate’s vicinity he was sure to overuse it.

Rage rushed through me.

My cell went sailing across the room and smashed against the far wall. I slid down the door, drawing my knees to my chest as I cried away all my efforts to move on.

‘So are you going out with him?’ Ellie asked me casually as we congregated in Hannah’s bedroom.

The week had passed as though it had been taken over by the spirit of a slug. A particularly slimy one that secreted mucus all over the goddamn place.

It wasn’t a good week.

After smashing my phone, I quickly found a replacement. I kept my old number with all my data … hoping what? That Nate might call? Ha. Nate still did not call.

Ben did, though. He called on Tuesday night to tell me he had a hectic week ahead of him but he wanted to know if I was free for dinner next Monday. I said yes, because frankly I was hoping for some kind of miracle that would bring back my enthusiasm and zest for life. If a tall, handsome Scotsman couldn’t do that, then I was seriously fucked.

Finally it was Sunday again and this time I’d mustered up the courage to face my friends – including the guys, who I now assumed knew everything that had happened between me and Nate – and join them for lunch. As had become routine the last few times, we disappeared into Hannah’s room while Elodie and Clark cooked and the guys talked.

I’d just told them about Ben’s call.

‘Yes. I said yes.’

‘I think that’s great,’ Joss said. ‘I think it’ll help.’

‘Yeah, so enough about me.’ I directed the conversation elsewhere by pinning a lounging Hannah to the bed with my eyes. ‘How’s Marco?’

I don’t think I’m mistaken when I say I thought I heard her growl.

I looked at Ellie for help. ‘I take that as a negative?’

Ellie patted her sister’s leg. ‘He’s playing hard to get.’

‘He’s not playing hard to get. He just doesn’t want to be gotten,’ Hannah muttered. ‘No, he wants to be gotten. He just doesn’t.’

‘Did that make sense to anyone else?’ Jo scrunched up her nose in confusion.

Hannah’s eyes swept us all. ‘There are moments when I think he wants more, but he pulls away anytime I make a move. At this rate I’ll be in my forties before I lose my virginity.’

Ellie snorted. ‘I doubt it.’

‘I’m not losing it to anyone but him,’ Hannah answered rigidly, absolutely serious.

Her sister took in her demeanor and her eyes narrowed. ‘You will wait until you’re at least eighteen.’

Hannah made a pfft sound. ‘Okay, I’m sure you waited that long.’

‘I did, actually.’

Seeming surprised, Hannah asked, ‘Really?’

‘Yes, really. It was the night of my eighteenth birthday party.’

‘With Liam?’

‘Who’s Liam?’ I asked curiously.

‘My boyfriend at the time. We had been dating for a few weeks. I thought he’d help me get over Adam.’ She smiled ruefully. ‘I hadn’t planned to have sex with him that night, even though I knew he was pushing for it. No, I found Adam out the back of the hotel with one of the catering girls. I was so hurt I went back inside, grabbed Liam’s hand, left the party, and we got a room. I thought it would help. It didn’t. I mean, it was okay.’ Ellie shrugged, her mouth turning down at the corners. ‘But it wasn’t what it should have been. It should have been with someone I loved. Someone I trusted. Liam ended up cheating on me with one of my so-called best friends.’

‘Wow.’ Hannah slumped. ‘That’s crap, Els. I’m sorry.’

‘I was sixteen.’ Jo suddenly piped up. She smirked, and it was not a happy smirk. ‘He was nineteen, a student, and he came from a wealthy family. It was the first time anyone had tried to take care of me – buying me nice presents, even paying my rent when I was struggling. I thought when I gave it up to him that I was giving it up to someone I was in love with. But things turned ugly when I continually prioritized Mum and Cole over him. He dumped me.’ She shook her head, disdain curling her lip. ‘He knew he was going to dump me, but he slept with me that night. As soon as we were done, and I mean as soon as we were done, he got out of the bed and dumped me as he pulled his clothes on.’

I winced at the somewhat familiar situation.

‘Jo,’ Hannah breathed, ‘that’s awful.’

Jo smiled at her. ‘Don’t feel bad, Hannah. I ended up with Cameron and that more than makes up for John and all the idiots that came after him.’

Hannah’s teenage curiosity was still piqued, and so her gaze moved to Joss. ‘What about you, Joss?’

Joss shook her head. ‘I was way too young, Hannah.’ We all stared at her, our expressions asking for more than vagueness. She blew air out between her lips and confessed, ‘Okay, it was a few months after my parents died.’

Ellie’s mouth dropped open. ‘But you were only fourteen.’

I felt the same shock ripple through me. When I was fourteen I was sticking posters of pretty boys to my ceiling and envisioning us setting up home in a real-life Barbie dream house and having fabulous parties and sweet kisses. I had not been sexually awakened yet.

Seeing the shadows in the back of Joss’s eyes, I realized that she was well aware of the innocence she had given up by having sex too young.

‘Was it with someone you liked at least?’ Hannah asked softly, clearly hoping for some kind of happiness to lighten Joss’s past.

‘No, Hannah. He went to school in the next town over. We met at a party. We got wasted. The rest is history. And not one you should ever repeat.’

‘Don’t worry, I won’t,’ Hannah promised.

After a minute’s silence Ellie’s little sister’s eyes came to me.

I’d been waiting on it. I heaved a massive sigh. ‘Well, at least I was nineteen when I made my mistake. Honestly, there is nothing romantic here. I was sick of being a virgin, so I got tipsy at a college party and lost my virginity in a room upstairs to a drunk senior. There was no finesse. Nothing. It hurt. And afterward he rolled off of me and left me there.’

Hannah now looked traumatized. ‘Not one of you has a good “losing my virginity” story?’

We gazed back at her apologetically.

‘Well, that’s settled it. I’m not doing it with someone I don’t love.’

The four of us shared a look, and I smiled. ‘Well, at least something came out of it.’

Their laughter was cut off as a knock came at the door a millisecond before Braden popped his head in. ‘What’s going on in here, then?’

‘Clothes,’ Ellie answered quickly. ‘We’re talking clothes.’

We all agreed for the sake of Hannah. I’d heard the stories from Ellie. The last thing Hannah needed was for Braden and Adam to find out there was a boy she liked, because they’d end up making her life an utter hell with their overprotectiveness.

Braden didn’t look convinced, but it seemed he was too preoccupied to care about what we were up to. He walked into the room, a small smile playing on his lips as he came up to Joss, who was sitting on the edge of Hannah’s dressing table. He bent and pressed a soft kiss to her mouth, his hand automatically drifting across her belly. ‘How are you?’ he murmured, staring deep into her eyes.

My chest squeezed, but this time in a good way. It was the first time I’d gotten to see them together since the last awful moments in their apartment.

I knew from talking to Joss that she was tentatively excited about the pregnancy and had managed to explain whatever was going on in her head to Braden until they came to an understanding. They were back on track, and it was great to see.

‘I’m good,’ she answered softly, a wry smile on her lips. ‘You don’t have to keep asking me that, baby. You know I’ll be vocal if any issues arise.’

He rubbed her stomach again.

‘You can stop doing that too.’ She huffed in amusement. ‘There’s no bump yet.’ She looked around him, eyeing us with humor in her expression. ‘He’s looking forward to the bump part.’

‘Why?’ Ellie asked, bemused.

The question caused Joss to color and Braden to chuckle in this deep, intimate way that suggested, whatever his reason, it was not something he wanted to share with a group that included his little sister.

Ellie looked ill. ‘Okay, definitely don’t answer.’

Braden chuckled again and then turned to us, his arm sliding around Joss’s shoulder. ‘Did Jocelyn tell you her agent has found a publisher who’s interested in her book?’

‘No!’ Jo cried out excitedly. ‘That’s amazing!’

Joss squirmed, uncomfortable because she was modest. ‘They read the first three chapters and came back and asked to read the rest of the book. It doesn’t mean anything.’

I had to disagree. ‘It means a lot. Pity you can’t drink, because this is a reason to get shit-faced.’ I glanced over at Hannah. ‘Sorry, Hannah.’

‘Sorry for saying “shit-faced” or sorry because I can’t get drunk with you?’

Ellie snorted. ‘I’m so glad Mum isn’t in the room.’

An Italian woman sang a lively, frolicking tune through the speakers as the waiter poured red wine into the glasses on the table before me and Ben. We’d met at D’Alessandro’s since we both loved it so much and also because it offered us a familiarity that I imagined we both hoped would help with any first-date nerves.

Ben was wearing a purple shirt and dress pants and he looked very handsome. It occurred to me that I’d never seen him wear black – and that only occurred to me because it was Nate’s favorite color. Black or dark red. Nate had looked good in both.

‘I have to admit,’ Ben said as the waiter walked away, ‘I’ve wanted to ask you out for months.’

‘Really?’ I asked incredulously, and then immediately scolded myself as I heard Nate’s voice tutting at me for my lack of confidence. ‘I mean … really?’ I asked again, going for nonchalant this time.

It made Ben smile. ‘Really. But … you didn’t seem that interested before …’

‘I’m very focused at work,’ I lied. ‘Sometimes I don’t even realize someone is flirting with me because my head is somewhere else.’

He nodded as if that made sense. ‘True. You were different when we met here.’

I smiled in answer, my eyes dropping to my plate because I couldn’t think of anything to say to that.

‘You seem distracted.’

‘I’m not,’ I lied again.

‘I thought maybe the other reason you were resistant was because there was someone else?’

Tensing, I lifted my eyes to meet his. ‘There was.’

‘How recently?’

I gave him a wry, unhappy smile. ‘This is not how I wanted to start this date, but you’re right … I’m distracted. I just got out of something. Something really serious, and I don’t know if I’m ready to … I mean I know I should be. And you should know that I like you, I do, I just –’