Текст книги "Eleanor & Park"

Автор книги: Rainbow Rowell

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CHAPTER 35 Eleanor

Park’s mom asked him to set the table. That was Eleanor’s cue to leave. The sun had almost set.

She rushed down the steps before Park could stop her … and almost ran into his dad standing in the driveway.

‘Hey, Eleanor,’ he said, startling her. He was messing around with something in the back of his truck.

‘Hey,’ she said, rushing past him. He really did look an awful lot like Magnum P.I. It wasn’t something you got used to.

‘Hey, wait, come here,’ he said.

She felt something go slightly wrong in her stomach. She stopped and stepped toward him, but only a little.

‘Look,’ he said, ‘I’m getting tired of asking you to stay for dinner.’

‘Okay …’ she said.

‘What I mean is, I want you to feel like you have a standing invitation. You’re just … welcome, okay?’ He seemed uncomfortable, and it was making her uncomfortable. Way more uncomfortable than she usually felt around him.

‘Okay …’ she said.

‘Look, Eleanor … I know your stepdad.’

This could go a million different ways, she thought. All of them awful.

Park’s dad kept talking, one hand on his truck, the other on the back of his neck, like he was in pain. ‘We grew up together. I’m older than Richie, but this is a small neighborhood, and I’ve put in my time at the Rail …’

The sun was too far gone to see his face.

Eleanor still wasn’t sure what he was getting at.

‘I know that your stepdad isn’t an easy man to be around,’ Park’s dad said finally, stepping toward her. ‘And I’m just saying, you know, that if it’s easier to be over here, then you should just be here. That would make Mindy and I feel a lot better, okay?’

‘Okay,’ she said.

‘So this is the last time I’m going to ask you to stay for dinner.’

Eleanor smiled, and he smiled back, and for a second he looked a lot more like Park than Tom Selleck. Park

Eleanor on the couch, holding his hand. Across from him at the kitchen table with her homework

…

Helping him carry in groceries for his grandmother. Politely eating everything his mom made for dinner, even if it was something completely disgusting like liver and onions …

They were always together, and it still wasn’t enough.

He still hadn’t found a way to put his arms all the way around her. And he still didn’t have enough opportunities to kiss her. She wouldn’t go to his room with him …

‘We can listen to music,’ he’d say.

‘Your mom …’

‘Doesn’t care. We’ll leave the door open.’

‘Where will we sit?’

‘On my bed.’

‘God. No.’

‘On the floor.’

‘I don’t want her to think I’m slutty.’

He wasn’t sure his mother even thought of Eleanor as a girl.

She liked Eleanor though. More than she used to. Just the other day, his mom had said that Eleanor had excellent manners.

‘She’s very quiet,’ his mom said, like that was a good thing.

‘She’s just nervous,’ Park said.

‘Why nervous?’

‘I don’t know,’ Park said. ‘She just is.’

He could tell that his mom still hated Eleanor’s clothes. She was always looking her up and down and shaking her head when she thought Eleanor wasn’t looking.

Eleanor was unfailingly polite with his mom.

She even tried to make small talk. One Saturday night after dinner, Park’s mom was sorting her Avon shipment on the dining room table while Park and Eleanor played cards. ‘How long have you been a beautician?’ Eleanor asked, looking over at all the bottles.

His mom loved that word.

‘Since Josh start school. I get my GED, I go to beauty school, get license, get permit …’

‘Wow,’ Eleanor said.

‘I always do hair,’ his mom said, ‘even before.’ She opened a pink bottle of lotion and smelled it. ‘Little girl … cut doll’s hair, paint on makeup.’

‘That sounds like my sister,’ Eleanor said. ‘I could never do any of that.’

‘Not so hard …’ his mom said, looking up at her. His mom’s eyes lit up. ‘Hey, I have good idea,’ she said. ‘I do your hair. We have makeover night.’

Eleanor’s mouth dropped open. She was probably picturing herself with feathered hair and fake eyelashes.

‘Oh, no …’ she said. ‘I couldn’t …’

‘Yes,’ his mom said, ‘so much fun!’

‘Mom, no,’ Park said, ‘Eleanor doesn’t want a makeover … She doesn’t need a makeover,’ he added, as soon as he thought of it.

‘Not big makeover,’ his mom said. She was already reaching for Eleanor’s hair. ‘No cutting.

Nothing we can’t wash off.’

Park looked at Eleanor, pleading. Hopefully, she’d know that he was pleading because it would make his mom happy, not because he thought there was anything wrong with her.

‘No cutting?’ Eleanor said.

His mom was fingering a curl. ‘Better light in the garage,’ she said, ‘come on.’ Eleanor

Park’s mom put Eleanor in the shampoo chair and snapped her fingers at Park. To Eleanor’s horror – to her ongoing horror – Park came over and started filling the sink with water. He took a pink towel down from a big stack, and expertly Velcroed it around Eleanor’s neck, carefully lift-ing out her hair.

‘I’m sorry,’ he whispered. ‘Do you want me to leave?’

‘No,’ she mouthed, grabbing his shirt. Yes, she thought. She was already starting to dissolve with embarrassment. She couldn’t feel the tips of her fingers.

But if Park left, there’d be no one to stop his mom if she decided to give Eleanor giant, claw-shaped bangs or a spiral perm. Or both.

Eleanor wouldn’t try to stop her, no matter what; she was a guest in this garage. She’d eaten this woman’s food and manhandled her son – she was in no position to argue.

Park’s mom pushed him aside and laid Eleanor’s head firmly back into the sink. ‘What kind of shampoo you use?’

‘I don’t know,’ Eleanor said.

‘How you not know?’ his mom asked, feeling her hair. ‘Feels too dry. Curly hair is dry, you know?’

Eleanor shook her head.

‘Hmmm …’ Park’s mom said. She tipped Eleanor’s head back into the water and told Park to go stick a hot-oill pack in the microwave.

It was really, really strange having Park’s mom wash her hair. She was practically standing in Eleanor’s lap; her angel necklace hung right over Eleanor’s mouth. Plus, the whole process tickled like crazy. Eleanor didn’t know whether Park was watching. She hoped not.

A few minutes later, her hair was hot-oiled and wrapped in a towel so tight it hurt her forehead. Park was sitting across from her, trying to smile, but looking almost as uncomfortable as she felt.

His mom was going through box after box of Avon samples. ‘I know it’s here somewhere,’ she said. ‘Cinnamon, cinnamon, cinnamon … A-ha!’

She wheeled her chair over to Eleanor.

‘Okay. Close eyes.’

Eleanor stared at her. She was holding up a little brown pencil.

‘Close eyes,’ she said again.

‘Why?’ Eleanor said.

‘Don’t worry. This wash off.’

‘But I don’t wear makeup.’

‘Why not?’

Maybe Eleanor should say that she wasn’t allowed to. That would sound nicer than ‘because makeup is a lie.’

‘I don’t know,’ Eleanor said, ‘it’s just not me.’

‘Yes, you,’ his mom said, looking at the pencil. ‘Very good color for you. Cinnamon.’

‘Is that lipstick?’

‘No, eyeliner.’

Eleanor especially didn’t wear eyeliner.

‘What does it do?’

‘It’s makeup,’ his mom said, exasperated. ‘It makes you pretty.’

Eleanor felt like she had something in her eye. Like fire.

‘Mom …’ Park said.

‘Here,’ his mom said. ‘I’ll show you.’ She turned to Park, and before either of them realized what she was planning, she had her thumb at the corner of his eye.

‘Cinnamon too light,’ she muttered. She picked up a different pencil. ‘Onyx.’

‘Mom …’ Park said painfully, but he didn’t move.

His mom sat so that Eleanor could see, then deftly drew a line along Park’s eyelashes.

‘Open.’ He did. ‘Nice … close.’ She did the other eye, too. Then she added another line under his eye and licked her thumb to wipe away a smudge. ‘There, nice.’

‘See?’ she said, sitting back so that Eleanor could see. ‘Easy. Pretty.’

Park didn’t look pretty. He looked dangerous.

Like Ming the Merciless. Or a member of Duran Duran.

‘You look like Robert Smith,’ Eleanor said.

But … yeah, she thought, prettier.

He looked down. Eleanor couldn’t look away.

His mom swooped in between them. ‘Okay, now close eyes,’ she said to Eleanor. ‘Open. Nice

… Close again …’ It felt exactly like having someone draw on your eye with a pencil. Then it was over, and Park’s mom was rubbing something cold on Eleanor’s cheeks.

‘This very easy routine,’ his mom said.

‘Foundation, powder, eyeliner, eye shadow, mascara, lip liner, lipstick, blush. Eight steps, take you fifteen minutes tops.’

Park’s mom was very businesslike, like someone with a cooking show on PBS. Pretty soon she was unwrapping Eleanor’s hair and standing behind her.

Eleanor wanted to look at Park again, now that she could, but she didn’t want him looking back. Her face felt so heavy and sticky, she probably looked like one of the Designing Women.

Park scooted his chair closer to hers and started bouncing his fist on her knee. It took Eleanor a second to realize he was challenging her to a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors.

She played along. God. Any excuse to touch him. Any excuse not to look at him directly. He’d rubbed his eyes, so he didn’t look painted anymore – but he still looked like something Eleanor didn’t have words for.

‘That’s how Park keep little kids busy during haircuts,’ his mom said. ‘You must look scared, Eleanor. Don’t worry. I promise no cutting.’

Eleanor and Park both made scissors.

His mom rubbed half a can of mousse into her hair, then blew it dry with a diffuser (which Eleanor had never heard of before but was apparently very, very important).

According to Park’s mom, everything Eleanor was doing with her hair – washing it with whatever, brushing it, tying in beads and silk flowers – was dead wrong.

She should be diffusing and scrunching and, if possible, sleeping on a satin pillowcase.

‘I think you look really good with bangs,’ his mom said. ‘Maybe next time, we try bangs.’

There will never be a next time, Eleanor promised herself and God.

‘Okay, all done.’ Park’s mom was all smiles.

‘Look so pretty … Ready to see?’ She turned Eleanor around to the mirror. ‘Ta-daa!’

Eleanor looked at her own lap.

‘Have to look, Eleanor. Look, mirror, so pretty.’

Eleanor couldn’t. She could feel them both watching her. She wanted to disappear, to drop through a trap door. This whole thing was a bad idea. A terrible idea. She was going to cry, she was going to make a scene. Park’s mom was going to go back to hating her.

‘Hey, Mindy.’ Park’s dad opened the door and leaned into the garage. ‘Phone call. Oh, hey, look at you, Eleanor, you look like a Solid Gold dancer.’

‘See?’ his mom said, ‘I told you – pretty.

Don’t look in mirror until I come back. Looking in mirror best part.’

She hurried into the house, and Eleanor hid her face in her hands, trying not to mess anything up. She felt Park’s hands on her wrists.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I guess I knew you’d hate this, but I didn’t think you’d hate it this much.’

‘It’s just so embarrassing.’

‘Why?’

‘Because … you’re all looking at me.’

‘I’m always looking at you,’ he said.

‘I know, I wish you’d stop.’

‘She’s just trying to get to know you. This is her thing.’

‘Do I look like a Solid Gold dancer?’

‘No …’

‘Oh my God,’ she said, ‘I do.’

‘No, you look … just look.’

‘I don’t want to.’

‘Look now,’ he said, ‘before my mom gets back.’

‘Only if you close your eyes.’

‘Okay, they’re closed.’

Eleanor uncovered her face and looked in the mirror. It wasn’t as embarrassing as she thought

– because it was like looking at a different person. Someone with cheekbones and giant eyes and really wet lips. Her hair was still curly, curli-er than ever, but calmer somehow. Less deranged.

Eleanor hated it, she hated all of it.

‘Can I open my eyes?’ Park asked.

‘No.’

‘Are you crying?’

‘No.’ Of course she was. She was going to ruin her fake face, and Park’s mom was going to go back to hating her.

Park opened his eyes and sat in front of Eleanor on the vanity. ‘Is it so bad?’ he asked.

‘It’s not me.’

‘Of course it’s you.’

‘I just, I look like I’m in costume. Like I’m trying to be something that I’m not.’

Like she was trying to be pretty and popular.

It was the trying part that was so disgusting.

‘I think your hair looks really nice,’ Park said.

‘It’s not my hair.’

‘It is …’

‘I don’t want your mom to see me like this. I don’t want to hurt her feelings.’

‘Kiss me.’

‘What?’

He kissed her. Eleanor felt her shoulders fall and her stomach untwist. Then it started twisting in the other direction. She pulled away.

‘Are you kissing me because I look like someone else?’

‘You don’t look like someone else. Plus, that’s crazy.’

‘Do you like me better like this?’ she asked.

‘Because I’m never going to look like this again.’

‘I like you the same … I kind of miss your freckles.’ He rubbed her cheeks with his sleeve.

‘There,’ he said.

‘ You look like a different person,’ she said,

‘and you’re just wearing eyeliner.’

‘Do you like me better?’

She rolled her eyes, but she felt the heat in her neck. ‘You look different. You look unsettling.’

‘You look like you,’ he said. ‘You with the volume turned up.’

She looked in the mirror again.

‘The thing is,’ Park said. ‘I’m pretty sure my mom was holding back. I think she thinks this is the natural look.’

Eleanor laughed. The door to the house opened.

‘Awww, I told you guys to wait,’ his mom said. ‘Were you surprised?’

Eleanor nodded.

‘Did you cry? Oh, I miss it!’

‘Sorry if I messed it up,’ Eleanor said.

‘No mess,’ his mom said, ‘waterproof mascara and stay-put foundation.’

‘Thank you,’ Eleanor said carefully. ‘I could hardly believe the difference.’

‘I’ll make you a kit,’ his mom said. ‘These all colors I never use anyway. Here, sit down, Park.

I trim your hair while we here. Looking shaggy

…’

Eleanor sat in front of him and played Rock, Paper, Scissors on his knee. Park

She looked like a different person, and Park didn’t know if he liked it better. Or at all.

He couldn’t figure out why it upset her so much. Sometimes, it seemed like she was trying to hide everything that was pretty about her. Like she wanted to look ugly.

That was something his mother would say.

Which is why he hadn’t said it to Eleanor. (Did that count as holding back?)

He got why Eleanor tried so hard to look different. Sort of. It was because she was different –

because she wasn’t afraid to be. (Or maybe she was just more afraid of being like everyone else.) There was something really exciting about that. He liked being near that, that kind of brave and crazy.

‘Unsettling, how?’ he’d wanted to ask her.

The next morning, Park took the onyx eyeliner into the bathroom and put it on. He was messier than his mom, but he thought that might look better. More masculine.

He looked in the mirror. ‘This really make your eyes pop,’ his mom always told her custom-ers, and it was true. The eyeliner did make his eyes pop. It also made him look even less white.

Then Park did his hair like he usually did –

flared up in the middle, all messy and tall, like it was reaching for something. Usually, as soon as he did that, Park combed his hair out and down again.

Today he left it wild.

His dad flipped at breakfast. Flipped. Park tried to sneak out without seeing him, but his mom was non-negotiable about breakfast. Park hung his head over the cereal bowl.

‘What’s wrong with your hair?’ his dad asked.

‘Nothing.’

‘Wait a minute, look at me … I said look at me.’

Park lifted his head, but looked away.

‘What the fuck, Park?’

‘Jamie!’ his mother said.

‘Look at him, Mindy, he’s wearing makeup!

Are you fucking kidding me, Park?’

‘No excuse to cuss,’ his mom said. She looked nervously at Park, like maybe this was her fault. Maybe it was. Maybe she shouldn’t have tried out lipstick samples on him when he was in kindergarten. Not that he wanted to wear lipstick

…

Probably.

‘Like hell it isn’t,’ his dad roared. ‘Go wash your face, Park.’

Park stayed where he was.

‘Go wash your face. Park.’

Park took a bite of cereal.

‘Jamie …’ his mom said.

‘No, Mindy. No. I let these boys do pretty much anything they damn well please. But, no.

Park is not leaving this house looking like a girl.’

‘Plenty of guys wear makeup,’ Park said.

‘What? What are you even talking about?’

‘David Bowie,’ Park said. ‘Marc Bolan.’

‘I’m not listening to this. Wash your face.’

‘Why?’ Park pushed his fists into the table.

‘Because I said so. Because you look like a girl.’

‘So what else is new?’ Park shoved his cereal bowl away.

‘What did you say?’

‘I said, what else is new? Isn’t that what you think?’

Park felt tears on his cheeks, but he didn’t want to touch his eyes.

‘Go to school, Park,’ his mom said softly.

‘You miss your bus.’

‘Mindy …’ his dad said, just barely restrain-ing himself, ‘they’ll tear him apart.’

‘You tell me Park all grown up now, almost man, make own decisions. So let him make own decisions. Let him go.’

His dad didn’t say anything; he’d never raise his voice to Park’s mom. Park saw his opportunity and left.

He went to his own bus stop, not Eleanor’s. He wanted to deal with Steve before he saw her. If Steve was going to beat the shit out of him for this, Park would prefer that Eleanor not be in the audience.

But Steve hardly mentioned it.

‘Hey, Park, what the fuck, man, are you wearing makeup?’

‘Yeah,’ Park said, holding onto his backpack.

Everyone around Steve tittered, waiting to see what would happen next.

‘You kind of look like Ozzy, man,’ Steve said. ‘You look ready to bite the head off a fucking bat.’

Everybody laughed. Steve bared his teeth at Tina and growled, and then it was over.

When Eleanor got on the bus, she was in a good mood. ‘You’re here! I thought maybe you were sick when you weren’t at my corner.’ He looked up at her. She looked surprised, then sat down quietly and looked at her hands.

‘Do I look like one of the Solid Gold dancers?’ he asked finally, when he couldn’t take any more quiet.

‘No,’ she said, sidelong glancing, ‘you look

…’

‘Unsettling?’ he asked.

She laughed and nodded.

‘Unsettling, how?’ he asked her.

She kissed him with tongue. On the bus.

CHAPTER 36 Park

Park told Eleanor not to come over after school.

He figured he was grounded. He washed his face as soon as he got home and sent himself to his room.

His mom came in to check on him.

‘Am I grounded?’ he asked.

‘I don’t know,’ she said. ‘Did you have a good day at school?’

Meaning, did anyone try to flush his face down the toilet?

‘It was fine,’ he said.

A couple of kids had called Park names in the halls, but it didn’t hurt like he thought it might.

Lots of other people said he looked cool.

His mom sat on his bed. She looked like she’d had a long day. You could see her lipliner.

She stared at a jumble of Star Wars action figures piled up on the shelf over his bed. He hadn’t touched them for years.

‘Park,’ she said, ‘do you … want to look like girl? Is that what this about? Eleanor dress like boy. You look like girl?’

‘No …’ Park said. ‘I just like it. I like the way it feels.’

‘Like girl?’

‘ No,’ he said. ‘Like myself.’

‘Your dad …’

‘I don’t want to talk about him.’

His mother sat for another minute, then left.

Park stayed in his room until Josh came to get him for dinner. His dad didn’t look up when Park sat down.

‘Where’s Eleanor?’ his dad asked.

‘I thought I was grounded.’

‘You’re not grounded,’ his dad said, concentrating on his meat loaf.

Park looked around the table. Only Josh would look back at him. ‘Are you going to talk to me about this morning?’ Park asked.

His dad took another bite, chewed it carefully, then swallowed. ‘No, Park, at the moment I can’t think of a single thing I’d like to say to you.’

CHAPTER 37 Eleanor

Park was right. They were never alone.

She thought about sneaking out again, but the risk was incomprehensible, and it was so effing cold out she’d probably lose an ear to frostbite.

Which her mom would definitely notice.

She’d already noticed the mascara. (Even though it was brown and said ‘Subtle, Natural Look’ right on the package.)

‘Tina gave it to me,’ Eleanor said. ‘Her mom’s an Avon lady.’

If she just changed Park’s name to ‘Tina’

every time she lied, it only felt like one big lie instead of a million small ones.

It was kind of funny to think about hanging out at Tina’s house every day, doing each other’s nails, trying on lip gloss …

It would be awful if her mom actually met Tina somewhere, but that didn’t seem likely – her mom never talked to anybody in the neighborhood. If you weren’t born in the Flats (if your family didn’t go back ten generations, if your parents didn’t have the same great-great-grandparents), you were an outsider.

Park always said that was why people left him alone, even though he was weird and Asian.

Because his family had owned their land back when the neighborhood was still cornfields.

Park. Eleanor blushed whenever she thought about him. She’d probably always done that, but now it was worse. Because he was cute and cool before, but lately he seemed so much more of both.

Even DeNice and Beebi thought so.

‘He looks like a rock star,’ DeNice said.

‘He looks like Ell DeBarge,’ Beebi agreed.

He looked like himself, Eleanor thought, but bolder. Like Park with the volume turned way up. Park

They were never alone.

They tried to make the walk from the bus to Park’s house last forever, and sometimes, they’d hang out on his front steps a while … until his mom opened the door and told them to come in from the cold.

Maybe it would be better this summer. They could go outside. Maybe they could take walks.

Maybe he’d get his driver’s license after all …

No. His dad hadn’t even spoken to him since the day they fought.

‘What’s up with your dad?’ Eleanor asked him. She was standing one step below him on his front stoop.

‘He’s mad at me.’

‘For what?’

‘For not being like him.’

Eleanor looked dubious. ‘Has he been mad at you for the last sixteen years?’

‘Basically.’

‘But it always seemed like you got along …’

she said.

‘No,’ Park said, ‘never. I mean, we were kind of getting along for a while, because I finally got in a fight, and because he thought my mom was being too hard on you.’

‘I knew she didn’t like me!’ Eleanor poked Park’s arm.

‘Well, now she likes you,’ he said, ‘so now my dad is back to not liking me.’

‘Your dad loves you,’ she said. It seemed to really matter to her.

Park shook his head. ‘Only because he has to.

He’s disappointed in me.’

Eleanor laid her hand on his chest, and his mom opened the door.

‘Come in, come in,’ she said. ‘Too cold.’

Eleanor

‘Your hair looks nice, Eleanor,’ Park’s mom said.

‘Thank you.’

Eleanor wasn’t diffusing, but she was using the conditioner Park’s mom had given her. And she’d actually found a satin pillowcase in the stack of towels and stuff in her bedroom closet, which was practically a sign from God that He wanted Eleanor to take better care of her hair.

Park’s mom really did seem to like her better now. Eleanor hadn’t consented to another full-on makeover, but Park’s mom was always trying new eyeshadows on her or messing with her hair while she sat at the kitchen tablewith Park.

‘I should have had girl,’ his mom said.

I should have had a family like this, Eleanor thought. And it only sometimes made her feel like a traitor to think so.