Текст книги "Fearless"

Автор книги: Rachel Van Dyken

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Chapter Five

He’d given me his heart a long time ago—and now I was giving it back, not because I didn’t want it. But because I wanted to share it. With him. Forever.—Kiersten

Kiersten

When Lisa drove me up to the hospital, my first thought was something had happened to Wes. Funny, how you think you can be totally over something. And then one tiny little thing happens and immediately you’re back to that place. I wondered if PTSD was like that.

You live your life every day, going through the motions, and then BOOM! Something suddenly happens to throw you off kilter and the only thing you want to do is go sit in a corner and rock back and forth.

When she parked and didn’t start crying or saying that we were there because the man I loved was dying—again. I lost it.

Too close to home.

I wanted to leave.

Actually, I wanted to smack Wes and then I wanted to leave. How dare he scare me like that!

“Hey!” Lisa grabbed my hand. “You need to do this.”

“I don’t want to.” I knew I sounded like a whiny child, and Wes had probably gone to a lot of trouble to use the little chapel at the hospital. But I didn’t…I couldn’t. My throat felt thick as I tried to swallow.

I hadn’t had a panic attack in a really long time.

But being back in that hospital, even in the parking garage, was doing some serious damage to my nervous system.

I didn’t want to stay and fight. I wanted to run away. I wanted to run in the opposite direction of the memories of Wes lying in that hospital bed. Of the look on his face when he said goodbye. My breath hitched in my chest as my stomach clenched with fear.

Of the tears in his eyes when he wasn’t sure if it was going to be for a few hours—or forever.

I sniffled.

Lisa handed me a tissue and started slowly rubbing my back. “Talk to me, Kiersten.”

“It feels like yesterday,” I whispered. “I’m terrified that when I walk in that door, he’s going to be back in that hospital bed, or worse, something’s going to happen. I just—I know it’s not logical but I don’t feel very logical right now.”

“It’s your wedding day.” Lisa shrugged. “Who says you have to be logical?”

I smiled through my tears.

“If it makes you feel better.” She continued rubbing my back, totally something my mom would have done. I loved that girl, I would seriously die for Lisa, and I think she knew that. “I haven’t gone back either.”

“To the hospital?”

“No.” She stopped rubbing for a minute. “Home. I haven’t faced my demons at all. It doesn’t make it easier you know.”

“Are you sure?” My lips trembled as a few tears ran over them.

“Positive.” Lisa handed me another tissue. “Just because you avoid something, doesn’t make it disappear. I think we’d like to imagine life works that way. But I’m sure if I went back home…everything would be just how I left it and I’d be bombarded with the same memories, the same regrets, the giant never really dies Kiersten, not until you throw the damn rock.”

“Nice metaphor. Hanging out with Wes too much I see.”

Lisa snorted. “Swear his philosophies just rub off on everyone in his path.”

I twisted the tissue between my hands. “Your giants…what are they?”

A troubled expression clouded her eyes, and Lisa sighed. “They’re ugly.”

“Like the ones you see in movies?”

“Yeah, Kiersten, like the ones with giant warts and giant feet and…” She shuddered. “There’s a very good reason I came up to Seattle.” Her smile was forced. “Look at it this way. At least you have someone willing to fight alongside you. And he’s waiting inside.”

“What about you? Where’s your partner?”

Lisa was silent for a minute, then she reached for the handle to open the car door. “He no longer exists.”

She didn’t offer any more information, but the momentary distraction of her story was enough to get me out of the car and walking towards the elevator.

The smell of medicine burned my nostrils.

We rode the elevator up to the main floor, but when the doors should have opened it just kept going.

“Um?” I pointed at the buttons. “Did we miss our floor?”

“Nope.” Lisa looked straight ahead, a smile curving at her lips.

When the doors opened—it was to floor where they had performed Wes’s surgery. I’d remember it anywhere. The nurses’ station was decorated with so many flowers it was almost impossible to see their heads as they waved at me from the table.

A banner hung across the hallway. “Wes and Kiersten.” There were hearts on either side of our names.

Music started playing from somewhere. My legs had officially stopped working—so much that Lisa had to push me. I walked numbly towards the nurses station, as each of them stood directly in my path, holding a rose.

A song started to play over the loudspeaker or it sounded like it, the music was slow, eerie, gentle as it softly played in cadence with my footsteps as I neared the nurses.

Every nurse held out a single rose, and I accepted them from each in turn as I passed, still holding onto my sense of numbness. Lisa took the roses from me and placed them in a type of bouquet. I couldn’t make out the shape.

“We’re so proud of you guys.” One of the nurses who had been in the operating room pulled me in for a hug and kissed me on the cheek.

Okay, so Wes was seriously trying to make it so that I had no makeup by the time I saw him.

As I collected the last rose—I think around ten nurses total had each handed me one of the red flowers—I found myself at the end of the line.

The doctor that had performed the surgery stood waiting.

He was the one who had spent countless hours making sure the love of my life survived.

I hadn’t been back to the hospital.

I’d thanked him.

But I hadn’t really thanked him.

Without thinking, I threw myself against his chest and wound my arms around his neck. He went completely still for a minute and then returned my hug.

“Thank you…” I whispered, warm tears streaming down my cheeks. “Thank you for saving his life.”

The doctor gently pried me away and handed me five red roses and whispered, “I wish I could take credit.” His eyes blurred with tears. “But some hearts—don’t need help to keep beating.”

He stepped out of the way, and Lisa handed me my bouquet. It was all the roses, arranged together in the shape of a heart.

Wes’s heart.

In the palm of my hands. Where it had been all along.

We walked up to the room where Wes’s surgery had taken place.

When the door opened, Wes was staring straight at me. His smile wide—he looked gorgeous in his black suit.

He held out his hands and whispered, “Where we thought we may see the end—”

“—we write ‘The Beginning’.” I finished.

Chapter Six

I wonder how many times we think our lives are over—how many instances we scream at the top of our lungs when things aren’t going our way…how often, do you think, the reason for things not going our way is because there’s a bigger plan we can’t see yet? A bigger destiny we could have never possibly imagined for ourselves? Maybe…we’d be a lot happier, if we were silent more. –Wes Michels

Wes

“Lamb?” I tilted her chin towards me then brushed a soft kiss across her lips. Her mouth trembled.

“Yes?” Kiersten grinned through a tear-stained face. “Big bad wolf?”

“No blowing houses down,” I teased. “I’d rather build one with you. How’s that for changing my ways?”

Kiersten threw her arms around me and squeezed my neck.

A few throats cleared.

“Right.” I stepped away. “So we should probably get married now.”

Her face was tear-stained—and gorgeous. She nodded and let me lead her farther into the surgical room where our families were standing. Everyone was standing near the wall—everyone but Uncle Jobob, who was standing by himself holding a bible in hand.

Kiersten gave me a confused look.

I just shrugged my shoulders and continued walking. We stopped once we reached JoBob.

“Your parents…” Uncle JoBob started, his voice loud, and clear as it echoed throughout the room. “…would be so proud of you.” His eyes shimmered with tears.

I gripped Kiersten’s hand. My heart performed a little flip at the fact that I was actually going to be marrying her in a few minutes. And that dress? It was gorgeous. Exactly what Lisa had described. Simple in its form. It was head to toe silk, with a lace overlay. It didn’t take away form Kiersten’s beauty—nothing ever could—but merely added to it. She wore her hair piled around her head, wisps of red fluttering around her face and loose strands trailing down her back.

She was like ice cream. Like a chocolate cake. Like the perfect desert.

“We are gathered here,” Uncle Jobob said.

Kiersten’s mouth fell open. “You’re marrying us?”

“—sweetheart, don’t interrupt the man marrying us,” I whispered with a gentle laugh.

“Rude,” Gabe said from behind me. “Seems wolf failed to teach lamb manners.”

“Go back in your shell, turtle,” Lisa murmured.

I burst out laughing while Uncle Jobob gave us a stern look then glanced at my dad who was also trying to hide his amusement.

“As I was saying…” Uncle Jobob glared at Kiersten and continued. “We’re gathered here to celebrate the life of Wes and Kiersten and their desire to join together as one.” His hands trembled as he held them out in front of him. “Love is often measured unfairly. People throw the word around so flippantly that society rarely gets a true glimpse of what it means to love something—to love someone so much that it’s the basis for your entire existence. To love someone so much that you’d be willing to trade places—even in death. Well, I can’t imagine a stronger type of love than that of sacrifice. So your marriage, Wes and Kiersten, is not only a celebration of a new beginning, but of the sacrificial love you share with each other.”

JoBob dabbed his face with a tissue and went on, “Gabe, the rings.”

Gabe stepped around me and handed the four rings to JoBob.

“Wes, wanted to do things a little different.” He winked at Kiersten. “So, son, I’ll just let you take it from here with your vows.”

He handed me the three rings that would belong to Kiersten.

Looking into her green eyes was so distracting it was hard to remember what I was going to say. My entire body shook with the emotion of the moment. I would never get this moment again. I wanted to do it right—the first time.

“The first ring,” I murmured, sliding the platinum diamond encrusted band up her finger, “represents your past. Your parents, your life in Bickelton, your first year at college, and finally the hospital room. There are ten diamonds in this band, representing every item you put on your bucket list. These diamonds are a reminder of how far you’ve come.” I cleared my throat and slipped the next band on her finger. This one was a three-carat solitaire. “This band is the present. This moment. Right now. Every time you look down at this ring, I want you to remember the way you looked on this day. The way you made me feel. And since you can’t see yourself and since you can’t read my mind…” Tears filled Kiersten’s eyes as I gripped her hand tighter. “You look like an angel. Like the first person a dying man would see when he was granted access into heaven. Your skin is glowing so much that it almost hurts to look at you, the way your hair falls against that same glowing skin is so distracting that I don’t know where to look first. Your eyes are really clear, because you’ve been crying, and your lips are a bit swollen from licking them too much, something you do when you get nervous.” I placed her hand over my heart. “And right now I feel like I can do anything. My heart feels strong for you, my desire isn’t just to marry you and let this be our moment, Kiersten. I want to marry you and create a million moments every single day. Which is why…” I slipped on the next ring. It matched the first one. “This ring has ten stones. I figure that we should just keep it an even number when it comes to lists. Just because the last list was finished, doesn’t mean we can’t create a new one. On this list, I see kids, careers, our first house, possibly our first big fight where you make me sleep on the couch. This last ring is our future, Kiersten. We complete our lists together, we complete our life together. This is what we have to look forward to. Blank pages just waiting to be filled with our story. And the cool part? We don’t know what’s going to happen, but I can make a promise to you right now. Your hand’s going to be in mine the entire time. Kiersten, I swear to never let you go. Through sickness, through health, through happy times, through sad times. I’m yours.”

JoBob handed my band to Kiersten, she took it and looked down than looked back up at me. “I don’t—I didn’t prepare anything, there was no time and—”

“Words were never needed between us, Kiersten,” I said softly. “You know that. I can hear your heart. That’s all that matters.” I rested my hand against her chest and smiled as she slowly took my other hand. She squinted at the writing on the band.

“It says my name?”

“Yeah.”

“With a heart?”

“Just in case I need you to keep me going and you aren’t around.” I smiled. “I’ll just look down and remember, you’re with me. Forever. Always.”

“I am.” Kiersten slipped the ring on my finger and then placed her hand over mine.

“By the power vested in me from Randy Michels and that handy little online tutorial…” JoBob winked. “I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Wes Michels. Son, you kiss that bride of yours.”

Our mouths collided, meeting in the middle. Kind of how our relationship was, the perfect give and take.

My fingers dug into Kiersten’s hair as I pulled her closer to me.

She wrapped her arms around my neck.

I couldn’t stop kissing her.

Time paused for me—in that moment it was like the sun had stopped shining, the earth had stopped its movement on its axis.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the table.

The very table that I had lain on months ago.

I remembered the cold metal of the instruments they hooked me up to, the slow steady beat of my heart on the monitor.

Kiersten stepped back from me, turning our kiss into a hug. Everyone clapped but my eyes were still on the table.

Angela had held my hand as I fell asleep.

Funny, because she held my hand during the surgery. I’d felt it. I had felt her warm palm, the imprint of the ring against my skin.

I could have lost my faith in that moment, instead I chose to believe that I couldn’t control the outcome and just trusted in the hand that was holding mine. Sometimes that’s all we have. A hand.

But most the time.

If we’re being completely honest with ourselves.

It’s all we really need.

My eyes flickered to the door. I could have sworn in that moment, I saw a nurse with blonde hair smiling, and then, as if I’d just imagined it, the figure disappeared.

My dad moved to stand in front of me, and pulled me in for a hug. “Your mom would have been so proud.”

I smiled and stared at the door. “Yeah. I know.

Chapter Seven

Our steps define us—whether they take us in the direction towards what we want the most—or away from what we love. Our entire lives are based on steps and stages. Funny thing, feet. You control them. –Kiersten Michels

Lisa

Wes and Kiersten made their way through the crowded hallway, hugging doctors, nurses, patients. It was like watching a really sad Hallmark commercial or something. Not that it was sad, more of a happy sad. My smile was frozen a bit on my face—actually it was starting to hurt…bad. I wondered how actors did it. How did they act happy when they were torn up inside? I would have been the worst actress on the planet.

Even as a model I hadn’t been that great, thus the reason for nobody really recognizing me when I moved up to Seattle. I’d dyed my hair and grown out of my lankiness into more of an athletic build. To a model—that was a curse. Muscle tone! Oh no! But for me? It was as if I had finally been given a gift from above. Finally, I was able to look in the mirror and see someone other than that girl from so many years ago.

“Hey!” Gabe wrapped his arm around my shoulders. “You look…off.”

“Ah…” I turned my head to meet his gaze and gave him a friendly pat on the chest. “Music to every girl’s ears.”

Gabe’s gaze narrowed. “What happened?”

The guy looked less haunted these days, as if he’d finally caught a break and was able to live a normal existence where he wasn’t always worrying about keeping his secret. That’s just what he didn’t need, more drama. I slung out from underneath his arm and penetrating gaze and shrugged. “I’m pregnant.”

“WHAT!” he roared.

I burst out laughing. Wow! I’d so needed that. Veins I didn’t even know existed popped up on Gabe’s forehead and neck. I took pity on him and winked “I’m kidding.”

“Hilarious.” He coughed a few times and then leaned over as though he had to catch his breath. “Never again Lisa, or swear I’m going to lock you up. Okay?”

“Um, okay?” I rubbed his back and winked at Saylor who was watching our exchange in amusement from her discussion with her mom over at the nurses’ station.

“So…” Gabe stood to his full height. “What’s really bothering you?”

“Nothing,” I lied, pasting a smile on my face. Everything was bothering me. Every damn thing. But it was stupid. I mean compared to everyone else’s drama, my little insecurity and inability to forget my shady past really wasn’t that big of a deal.

“Look…” Gabe lowered his voice and continued. “I know it’s hard, with Wes and Kiersten getting married, and me and Saylor…if you need to talk it’s totally fine and—”

“Holy crap, Gabe!” I smacked at him and stepped away. “Clearly I’m not acting like myself if you feel the need to go all therapist on my ass! Geez, I get that enough with Kiersten and Wes. Do you even realize how hard it is hanging out with those two constantly bugging me?”

Gabe narrowed his eyes. “Um yeah? I was their target for a whole year, remember?”

“It’s not that.” I crossed my arms. “I think I’m just exhausted from school and stuff. Maybe I need a vacation.”

“So go on vacation.” He made it sound so easy so simple.

“By myself?” I whispered and rolled my eyes. “Sounds like loads of fun.”

“Take the girls.”

“Honeymoon.”

“Are you just going to reject every awesome idea I have?” Gabe countered.

“No.” I scratched my head. “You know what, yeah, a vacation. Maybe I’ll do that. Um, I’ll catch up with you guys later.”

I strolled away from him as fast as my black heels would take me. Each step helped me breathe a little easier. Maybe that was it. Their happiness was suffocating me or something.

Hands shaking, I stabbed the elevator button and quickly got in.

The elevator made it all the way to the second floor then started shaking. The lights flickered and the little alarm went off.

Trying not to panic, I counted to three and then pressed the main lobby button again.

Nothing.

A voice came over the intercom. “Sorry ma’am, minor electrical issue. We’ll have you out in no time.”

Shit!

The last time I had been stuck in an elevator, things had not ended well. Honest moment, things hadn’t started well either, but still…

Was this how God was repaying me? Karma was a bitch.

I went over to the corner and closed my eyes. I tried to hum a song, then I checked my cell phone. Of course no service. Naturally. Where the hell was that nerdy little man in those cell phone commercials saying “Can you hear me now?” NO man with black glasses and way too many friends, I can’t freaking hear you and if I don’t get out of this tiny little shoebox of death I’m going to freak the EF OUT! Swear it felt like the walls of my throat were closing in right along with the walls of the elevator. I punched the wall above the control panel, right because punching things always made them work. I’d karate chop its ass and take the chance of slicing my hand up if I knew it would work.

Struggling for my next breath, I smacked the elevator door around five times, making my hand sting like crazy. When the elevator still didn’t budge, I slowly sank to my knees and let out a little sob.

It wasn’t the elevator.

It wasn’t even the wedding or Gabe.

It was me.

I was the problem. I was always the problem…

He had peppermint-flavored gum—I could still taste it. I coughed a bit and then gagged—crap I was going to puke.

The darkness was the worse—not being able to really see him that well since the electricity was out—but knowing he was touching me, feeling his hands on my hips as they slid across my skin.

Shivering, I continued holding my knees and squeezed my eyes shut as his laughter penetrated into my soul.

I hated him…

Hated him so much it made me want to scream—how do you even hate someone who doesn’t exist anymore?

Yet there I was in a stupid elevator, rocking back and forth like a lunatic.

“Ma’am, just a few more minutes.” Someone said over the speaker.

I didn’t trust myself to speak.

Minutes later, the elevator jolted to the lobby floor and the doors slid open. I got up off my butt and bolted for the main doors to the hospital. I was a bit impressed with my ability to run in high heels. Had Gabe seen me, he would have yelled that I was going to break my neck. Hah! No death for me. Because the last thing I wanted was to join…him in the afterlife.

Shivering, I started the car and made my way back towards campus. It was September, classes were starting that week, and I still hadn’t gotten my schedule together.

I parked by the student center and marched towards the doors, my high heels clicking against the pavement. I could do this. I was confident. I wasn’t Mel anymore. I was Lisa, a college student, free from my past, free from the memories of him, free from everything that held me back—that kept me in LA when it was slowly killing me inside.

Not really paying attention to anything except for walking and breathing at the same time, considering the whole elevator incident was hell on my frazzled nerves, I jerked open the door to the center and was nearly knocked on my ass by someone pushing the same door I was pulling.

I stumbled backwards. “Hey watch where you’re—”

“Mel?”

My entire body froze—instantly paralyzed with fear. It was one of those moments you experience when you’re a little kid and you hear a freaky noise down the hall. You’re so terrified you just—pause. All you can feel is your heart beating against your chest, and your own ragged breathing. Ginger and caramel colored hair, grey eyes—oh, God the eyes. Muscles lining every part of his body. Hulking shoulders. Hands, huge hands. My body shook at the memory of hands just like that, touching me, pushing me, hands I’d trusted—hands I’d at one time in my life—loved. The guy in front of me reached out, just as instinct kicked in.

I turned on those tall heels and ran like hell back towards my car. It took me four tries to get the key in the ignition. I sped out of the parking lot and turned in the direction of the dorms.

My body was still shaking by the time I pulled up in front of my place. I couldn’t call Kiersten. She’d just gotten married. Wes would kill me.

Gabe was already married so…did that mean he was fair game?

He’d kill me if I didn’t call him.

I chewed my lower lip and then finally, with trembling hands, dialed Gabe’s number.

“Hey, where’d you go?”

“He’s here.” My voice quivered. “He’s here, Gabe.”

“Who?”

“T-Taylor!”

“Sweetheart…” Gabe sighed. “He’s dead, remember?”

“No!” I hit the steering wheel. I wasn’t crazy. I knew what I’d seen—who I’d seen. I had seen the guy who ruined my life—who ended his own. I saw him! “I’m not crazy.”

Swearing, Gabe whispered into the phone, “Where are you?”

“The dorms.” I looked behind me just to make sure he hadn’t followed. Right, because it was totally possible for a human to chase a car two miles and actually arrive at the same time. Then again, ghosts could do just about anything right?

“I’ll be right there.”

“I’m going crazy.” Saying it out loud made it scarier. “Aren’t I?”

Gabe didn’t say anything for a bit and then sighed heavily into the phone. “You’re not going crazy. You’re just really stressed, okay Lisa?”

I nodded even though he couldn’t see me.

“Is it possible you saw someone who looked kind of like Taylor?” he asked gently.

“I guess, but he knew my name! My real name!”

“Lisa, I hate to break it to you but half the known universe knows your name right now—especially after the story about me went viral for months. It’s going to happen.”

I breathed a little easier. “So maybe it was just…me being…stressed?”

“Lisa, you’ve been burning the candle at both ends. Planning everything for the wedding, keeping Kiersten in the dark. Do me a favor?”

I rolled my eyes. “What?”

“Relax. Go to your room, make yourself some hot chocolate, take a shower, and read a magazine. Just unplug for a bit. Classes don’t start for another day. Just take time for yourself. You deserve it. We’ve all been through hell this last year.”

My eyes searched the parking lot again.

No Taylor.

So I was either stressed, or I was losing it. I chose to believe it was stress, going crazy so wasn’t in my life plan!

“Thanks, Gabe.” I slowly unlocked my door and started getting out of the car. “I’m sorry for interrupting you guys.”

“Lisa…” Gabe’s voice was soft. “You’re not an interruption. I’d die for you. You know that, right?”

“Yeah.” My lower lip trembled. “I do.” I cracked a smile. “Best cousin ever.”

“Ha-ha,” he teased. “Very funny.”

“I’ll just…go see about that bath now.”

“Do it. I want to hear all about your relaxing evening later on okay?”

“Deal.”

“Bye, cousin.”

“Bye, turtle.”

We hung up. I slowly walked towards the dorms and shook my head. Yeah, I was just stressed. Either that or I was going to give that little kid in Sixth Sense a run for his money because I totally saw dead people.

Real cool.

With a practiced smile, I slid my keycard over the pad and went into the building. Inside was some hot chocolate with my name on it.