Текст книги "Emancipating Andie"

Автор книги: Priscilla Glenn

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Текущая страница: 11 (всего у книги 17 страниц)

Chase stood at her threshold as another silence fell over them. There was nothing left to say, and yet there was everything left to say.

He should go now. He knew he should. He had served his purpose for coming. He apologized, and she forgave him. There was no reason for him to stay any longer.

And yet there he stood, his mind searching for any excuse to prolong this time with her.

“Do you want a lesson?” he asked suddenly, nodding over her shoulder.

She turned her head to the side, looking in the direction he had indicated, at the piano up against the wall. It was a moment before she turned back around to face him.

“It helps a headache,” he added with a tiny shrug.

She stood there, saying nothing, and for a minute Chase hoped she would turn him down. He knew that leaving was the right thing to do, but he obviously wasn’t going to be strong enough to make that decision on his own. The sight of her, the sound of her voice, it was always enough to blur the lines of right and wrong for him.

And then, to his complete dismay and utter satisfaction, she stepped to the side, granting him access to her apartment.

He hesitated before he stepped inside, walking a few feet into her living room, and as he heard her close the door behind him, he felt something like triumph course through him, momentarily alleviating his mind-numbing guilt.

He was at war with himself, and in that moment, he realized with dread, he had no idea which side would prevail.

Too afraid to turn back around and look at her, he approached the piano bench and sat down, running his fingertips over the keys. Chase felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up, aware that Andie had come up behind him, and instinctively he slid to the right, giving her space to sit on the bench next to him.

She sat down quietly, her movements slow and cautious, like a frightened animal.

“I can’t read music,” she said.

The corner of his mouth lifted in a smile. “That’s okay. There are only a few chords to the song. I’ll just teach you those.”

There was a pause before she said, “I don’t know chords either.”

He laughed to himself, and he heard her laugh softly next to him. A flash of relief ran through his body as the awkwardness between them grew fuzzy around the edges, revealing a glimpse of the comfort and ease that existed for them within the confines of Andie’s car only a few weeks ago.

“I’m gonna be an awful student.”

Chase shook his head. “No, you won’t. Here. The right hand is a little tricky, so I’ll just teach you the left. It’s the same four chords over and over. You can play that part and I’ll do the rest.”

He reached over and brought her left hand to the piano, the movement causing their shoulders to touch, and he closed his eyes for a second, attempting to get his bearings before he positioned her hand over the keys.

“You’re gonna start with A, working in octaves,” he said. His voice trembled slightly, and he cleared his throat before he continued. “That just means that you’re going to press two A’s at the same time. It makes the note richer.”

He splayed her hand over the keys, placing her pinky and thumb where they belonged before laying his hand on top of hers. He aligned his fingers with hers so that his thumb and pinky rested over Andie’s, and he pressed them down gently, causing her to play the notes. She arched her fingers under his touch, curling her hand into his own and increasing the pressure of his skin on hers.

He inhaled a shallow breath as he felt a warm fluttering low in his stomach.

“A,” he said softly, keeping his eyes on their hands as he gently moved hers to the next position. “And you’ll just keep using the same fingers,” he murmured, placing her pinky and thumb over the black keys this time. Once again he laid his hand over hers, lightly pressing his fingers into Andie’s as he made her play the notes, and he felt her body shift infinitesimally closer to his. “B sharp,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

He leaned toward her as he guided her hand down the keys to the next position, causing the length of her right arm to rub against his waist, and he felt the skin there tingle and burn beneath his shirt.

“F,” he murmured, playing the notes with her, and she splayed her hand, allowing his fingers to slip between hers. For a breathless second, their fingers intertwined, and Chase closed his eyes as he clenched his jaw. He heard her exhale a trembling breath next to him, and his right hand curled into a fist at his side, fighting every instinct surging through his body.

Chase inhaled slowly before he opened his eyes and unraveled their fingers, bringing her hand back to its starting position. “Back to the A’s,” he said softly, pressing his fingers over hers and playing the notes again.

He could feel the heat of her body as if it were a tangible thing. It permeated his clothes, his skin, his entire being, igniting a fire that was threatening to rage out of control, to consume any sound reasoning within him and hand him over to his impulses.

He realized then that his heart was racing, and for the first time since they sat down, he chanced a look at her; her eyes were on him, her expression unreadable.

Chase swallowed hard, attempting to get control over his voice. “It’s an eight count,” he said softly. “You’re gonna play on the ones.”

“Okay,” she whispered, her eyes locked on his.

Reluctantly he pulled his eyes from hers and looked down at their hands. “If you start with your hand on mine, I’ll help you,” he said.

Andie slid her hand over the top of Chase’s, aligning their fingers again. “Okay,” she breathed, and Chase felt the heat in his stomach spread up into his chest and out through his extremities.

He took a small breath as he brought his right hand to the keys, positioning his fingers and playing the opening notes. He kept his eyes on her hand over his, their fingers twined together as she followed his lead, pressing her fingers over his when she felt him play the notes. His right hand glided effortlessly over the keys, dancing over the smooth surface, and in his mind, it was her skin at his fingertips; he caressed it over and over with light, fleeting touches that made the air around them sing.

She inclined her head toward him, and his breath caught in his throat.

“Chase,” she whispered.

His fingers stilled on the keys and he closed his eyes. He didn’t know how much more of this he could take.

“Can you play for me?” she asked softly, carefully sliding her hand off of his. He felt her shift on the bench next to him, bringing her body impossibly closer, and he kept his eyes closed, trying to focus on the feel of the keys beneath his fingers, the ticking of the clock in the corner, anything but the woman next to him, the smell of her, the heat of her.

He swallowed as he repositioned his left hand, and slowly, he began to play. Within a few notes, all of his pent-up emotion had worked its way through his fingertips, and suddenly the notes were everywhere, filling the room and swirling around them, pulling at him and pushing him, drowning him in the moment, and he didn’t think he’d ever want to resurface.

He felt Andie move beside him, and without warning, the length of her thigh was pressed up against his, any measure of space between them now completely forsaken.

His instincts took over momentarily, and he pressed his leg against hers, stifling a groan when he heard the nearly inaudible gasp that fell from her lips.

Chase set his jaw, his eyes still closed, and began to focus on the lyrics to the song in a desperate attempt to keep his mind rational.

Taffy stuck and tongue tied,

Stutter-shook and uptight,

Pull me out from inside…

I am ready…

There was a slight movement beside him again, and this time as she exhaled, he could feel her breath on his neck. He made a tiny noise in the back of his throat as he felt the fissures form in his composure, cracking and spreading and meandering through him at an alarming rate.

Chase’s fingers moved with more determination now, the chords ringing out with an intensity that made the air around them hum.

I am covered in skin,

No one gets to come in,

Pull me out from inside…

I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding….I am…

“Chase,” she whispered again, her breath fanning warmth across his neck as the tip of her nose grazed the skin there.

His fingers faltered, an incongruous, off-key note clanging through the air, and his hands curled in so that he rested two clenched fists on the keys. The sudden silence echoed through the room, pregnant with impossibility.

“Chase,” she said again, and the longing in her voice disabled the last of his restraint.

He turned toward her quickly and she gasped, followed by a heavy sigh as her hands came to his sides, fisting his shirt and pulling him closer.

“Damn it, Andie,” Chase breathed as he brought his hands to the sides of her face, dropping his forehead to hers. He felt her grip on his shirt loosen, and she slowly ghosted her hands up and down the length of his sides, causing him to shudder.

He could feel her breath coming in tiny bursts, quivering and trembling over his lips, and he slid his hands down the sides of her face, over the pulsing heat of her neck, and along the tops of her shoulders. She sighed softly, and Chase grit his teeth together so hard that he felt pain in his jaw.

It felt like something inside him was burning. Heat coursed and pulsed through every part of him, and with every touch of that perfect, silken skin, the inferno blazed with renewed intensity.

Chase’s heart slammed in his chest as she began to tremble beneath his touch. He knew she was unraveling, and he wasn’t far behind her. He clenched his jaw again, trying to hold on to his last semblance of control.

Andie brought her hands up to Chase’s face, her touch unbelievably perfect, and she lifted her chin ever so slightly, trying to bring her lips to his.

He turned his head, moving his mouth away from hers, but even as he denied her lips the contact, even as he tried to do the right thing, his hands came to her hips, pulling her against him before his arms enveloped her, bringing her body flush with his.

Chase’s eyes rolled back slightly as she buried her face into his neck. “You said stop hiding,” she whispered against his skin, and Chase closed his eyes. “You said to stop playing by the rules. That I should do what I wanted to do.” When she spoke again, her voice trembled. “I’m trying. Why won’t you let me?”

Chase pulled back slightly so he could look in her eyes, and immediately her hands came to the sides of his neck. Their mouths were only centimeters apart; he could feel her breath on his lips, taste it on his tongue.

“I know what I said, Andie,” he murmured. “But I can’t let you do this. I won’t let you be spontaneous this way.” He brought his hand to her cheek, brushing the hair away from her face, their noses touching. “I want you to go after what you want, but not if it’s something that’s going to make you feel guilty. Not if it’s something that will make you disappointed in yourself.”

She pulled back slightly and stared up at him with those eyes, eyes that hid nothing, eyes that were chocolate and caramel and innocence and sex, and he could see the hurt behind them, the doubt he had instilled there with his words, as if she didn’t believe that was the real reason he turned her down.

The hurt in her eyes was the final blow, shattering the last of his self-control.

He took her face in his hands, his eyes locked on hers. “I want you. You have no idea how much. I have wanted you since the second I saw you in that wine cellar.”

She closed her eyes, and he leaned in and touched their noses again. “But not like this. Not when it would be something we’d regret. I won’t do that to you. Or to him. I can’t.”

He heard her make a tiny sound, as if she were trying to contain her emotion.

“Andromeda,” he whispered, and she stilled, her breath catching in her throat.

He lifted his chin then, pressing his lips to her forehead, holding them there for what seemed like forever, as if he would lose a piece of himself once he broke contact with her.

And as he slowly pulled away from her, that’s exactly what it felt like.

He stood from the bench and ran the backs of his fingers down the side of her face before he turned and walked toward the door. A tiny piece of him was hoping she’d stop him, hoping she’d put up a fight, give him an excuse to break the rules.

But the only sound was the door opening and closing, and his footsteps as he walked farther and farther away from the place he wanted to be most.

Chase got to his car, the onslaught of emotions he had felt only moments before replaced by an eerie numbness. He started the car and pulled out of the parking lot, driving aimlessly, turning on and off of roads that meant nothing to him.

He didn’t want to go home. But he knew he couldn’t go back.

He needed to go somewhere. Anywhere.

His loyalty to Colin should have been enough to prevent this. All of it. His feelings for Andie, his constant thoughts of her, his undeniable need to be near her. It should have been enough to stop him from going to her tonight. It shouldn’t even be a question in his mind, he realized. It shouldn’t be something he had to fight with himself over.

But it was.

What did that say about him, that his feelings for his friend’s girlfriend were proving to be stronger than his loyalty to that friend?

He sped onto the highway, his subconscious taking the reins. He hadn’t even realized where he was going until he was almost there.

By the time he arrived, nearly an hour had passed since he had left Andie, although it could have been seconds or days; time ran together, an insignificant blur to him.

Chase pulled up to the darkened street and cut the engine, twirling the keys between his fingers before he took a deep breath and exited the car. He knew it was closed, that the gate would be locked, but he also knew that the stone wall around it was low and easy to climb on the left side.

He approached it quickly, his breath visible before him in the darkness, and he placed his hands on top of the wall; with a quick jump, he was up and over the side, walking briskly through the uncut grass, his hands thrust in his pockets. His eyes struggled to adjust to the darkness, barely making out the shapes of things as he passed, but he knew his way around this place better than he would have liked.

Finally he stopped, staring until his eyes could just distinguish its outline. He stood there for what seemed like forever, his eyes focused on the arch of it; the only sound was the rustling of the remaining leaves in the trees, and the low, distant hissing of cars on the wet asphalt.

Slowly Chase dropped to his knees, feeling the soil and the pebbles and the grass beneath his jeans. It had been too long since he’d been here.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been around in a while,” he whispered, leaning forward and resting his forehead on the cold, rough stone; almost instantly, he felt the familiar quivering of his chin.

This time he wouldn’t even attempt to fight it; he’d had enough of trying to inhibit his emotions for one night. He felt his eyes begin to well, and at that moment, he welcomed it. He wanted it. He wanted to drain himself of every single emotion that fought for control in his chest until he felt empty.

There had only been two women in Chase’s life who truly meant something to him, who made him want to be a better man.

One of them lay beneath the headstone in front of him.

He exhaled heavily, his head still resting on her grave, and as he closed his eyes, he felt two trails of heat rush down his cheeks, a sharp contrast to the cold air.

Because as much as he wished it wasn’t true, he realized that the other was just as inaccessible.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

“Every thing in my life that once seemed so significant suddenly felt extremely trivial. It was as if every thought, every feeling, every experience I had before this was just practice for this moment. All at once, the world around me felt real. And for the first time, so did I,” Andie typed, stopping to take a sip of her iced tea before she put the glass down and continued.

In another chapter, she would be finished with the novel.

It had been two weeks since Chase came to her apartment, two weeks since they sat on the piano bench in each other’s arms. Ever since that night, it felt like she was overflowing. It was as if her fingers couldn’t move fast enough to record all the words in her head.

She wasn’t sure how long she sat there after he left that night, and she honestly couldn’t remember a single thought that went through her mind. All she knew was that one minute she was sitting immobilized on the piano bench, and the next she was sitting cross-legged on the floor, her laptop on her thighs and her fingers flying over the keys.

She wrote for three straight hours that night.

And in the days that followed, it was much of the same. It was like some undisclosed, limitless resource had been tapped; if she wasn’t at the restaurant or with Colin, she was writing.

The only thing more prolific than Andie’s composing was her desire to talk to Chase. So often she found herself wanting to call him, to tell him, to thank him, just to hear his voice again. But for all of the times that desire consumed her, she only allowed herself to contact him once. It was the night she realized that she was only a few chapters away from finishing the book, and she had sent him a text, asking him if he would read it once it was completed.

He had answered her almost immediately, saying of course he would, that he’d be honored. And that was all the contact she’d had with him.

Andie no longer fought her thoughts of him; she embraced them as part of her daily routine, welcomed them as the obvious muse that had re-inspired her.

The door to the back room of the restaurant opened, and Andie’s mother came through with a box in her arms. A few weeks ago, Andie would have jumped to hide what she was doing, but today she kept her eyes on the screen, her fingers clicking away at the keys.

“Hi sweetheart,” her mom said, placing the box down and grabbing a box cutter from one of the drawers.

“Hey,” Andie said, smiling up at her for a second before she resumed what she was doing.

It was quiet for a moment, the only sound being the clicking of the keys, until her mother said, “Whatcha doing over there?”

Andie smiled. “I’m writing.”

“Oh yeah?” her mom said, her brow raised and her eyes focused on whatever was inside the box she had opened. “Writing what?”

“Just…a story I’ve had in my head for a while.”

Her mom looked up at her for a second and smiled. “Good for you, sweetheart. You always did have a way with words.” She reached in and pulled two jars out of the box, turning to place them on a high shelf on the other side of the room.

Andie looked up over the screen and watched her move back and forth, pulling items out from the box and stocking them on the appropriate shelves as she hummed to herself.

Her fingers stopped for a second as she thought about her mother, trying to picture her when she was young, trying to imagine what made her smile back then, what made her think, what she was afraid of, what she wished for.

She wondered if it was this.

“Hey, Mom?” Andie said, and her mother glanced over her shoulder as she stood on her toes, putting things away.

“Hmm?”

Andie paused, thinking of how she could phrase it, and finally said, “What did you want to be when you grew up?”

Her mother laughed softly, turning around and placing her hands on the small of her back, arching and twisting as she stretched. “Wow, it’s been a while since someone’s asked me that.” She straightened up, adjusting her shirt. “Well, when I was a little girl, I wanted to be a queen,” she said, and Andie laughed. “But when I realized that wasn’t going to pan out, I wanted to be an obstetrics nurse.”

“Really?” Andie said, taking her hands off the keyboard and turning to face her mom fully. “I never knew that.”

She nodded. “When I was a teenager visiting my family in Greece one summer, we were at a festival and a woman went into labor. She ended up delivering right there in the grass, next to one of the stands, and I remember thinking it was the most incredible thing I’d ever seen.” She smiled to herself. “And I just thought, wow, this would be an amazing thing to do everyday, to help bring life into the world.”

Andie watched her as she looked at the floor, the soft smile remaining on her lips before she took a breath and looked up, reaching into the box again.

“Then why didn’t you do it?” Andie asked, and her mother shrugged nonchalantly.

“Things change.”

“What changed?” Andie asked.

“Well, for one, I met your father,” she said before she turned and placed the last items on the shelf.

Andie lifted her brow. “Dad didn’t want you to be a nurse?”

“No, Dad would have supported me, of course. I guess I just wanted different things after I met him,” she said, flipping the empty box over and cutting the bottom.

Andie pulled her bottom lip between her teeth as she nodded slowly. Maybe a few months ago she wouldn’t have been able to understand that line of thinking, but now she knew all too well how meeting someone could change the way you looked at the world around you, or even the way you looked at yourself.

“What made you want to marry Dad?” Andie blurted out, startled by her own question.

Andie’s mother flattened the box and slid it on top of the pile of cardboard that was waiting to be recycled. “Your father is a good man,” she said.

“I know that,” Andie said, “but I mean, there are a lot of good men out there. What made you want to be with him forever?”

She stopped, looking at Andie for a second as if she were trying to read her before she walked to the table and sat down on top of it, facing her daughter.

“Your father is an intelligent, kind, and honest person. When I met him, I knew he had a good head on his shoulders, that he was responsible. That he would be a good partner, a good father, a good role model, that he could provide for a family.”

Andie stared up at her, waiting for her to continue, but she said nothing else. Her mother could see that Andie was dissatisfied with her answer, that she wanted there to be more, and she smiled softly, shaking her head.

“What have I always told you, Andromeda?” She leaned over, playfully tapping her daughter on the forehead with her finger as she said, “Na agapas me to kefali sou, kai tha eisai asfalis. Love with your head, and you’ll be safe.”

“Love with anything else, and you’re in big trouble,” Andie finished in stereo with her mother, causing her to laugh. She brushed her daughter’s hair behind her ear before she stood from the table and turned to walk back out to the restaurant.

“What about your heart?” Andie said.

Her mother stopped just as she reached the door, turning to look back at her.

“What about if you love with your heart?” Andie asked softly.

She stared at a daughter for a second before she crossed the room to her, placing her hand on the side of Andie’s face. As she looked down, she smiled softly, and Andie could have sworn there was a hint of sadness behind it. She leaned down and kissed the top of Andie’s head before she turned and walked back out to the restaurant, saying nothing.

Andie fell back in her chair, the force of her sudden epiphany hitting her like a tidal wave.

It was like the world had just righted itself in front of her eyes.

Maybe loving with her head was what worked for her mother, but Andie knew at that moment, knew with a certainty that she had never felt about anything in her life before this moment, that it wouldn’t work for her.

She did love Colin. It was never an issue of not loving him. He was a good guy, and he was kind, and predictable, and stable, and safe.

She just didn’t love him with her heart.

She didn’t burn for Colin; she didn’t melt for him. He didn’t make her want to be a better person. He didn’t challenge her, he didn’t inspire her, he didn’t make her feel like the world was at her feet, like anything was possible. Andie knew what it felt like to experience those things now, even if it was just for a moment.

She wanted to experience them again.

She sat up straight in her chair, quickly saving her work and closing down her computer.

Her hands were shaking.

She wasn’t sure what she was going to do, but she felt like she needed to take some kind of action. It was like a veil had been lifted from her eyes, and now that she could see everything clearly, she didn’t want to waste anymore time.

She had to talk to Colin.

She needed to see Chase.

With trembling hands she shoved her laptop back into its case and swung it over her shoulder, walking briskly to the door and flinching suddenly as it swung open and sent her stumbling backward.

“Shit! Sorry, are you okay?” Tracey laughed, reaching out to steady her friend.

“Jesus! Why are you storming in here like a maniac?”

“I didn’t storm, I just opened the door. It’s not my fault that you were charging it like a bull from the other side. Where the hell are you going in such a hurry?”

“I just…I have to talk to Colin,” Andie said, brushing her hair out of her face and trying to sound composed.

“Are you going down there now?”

Andie looked at her watch, wondering if he’d be home, wondering if that was the best plan of action. “Um…yeah, I think so.”

“Perfect,” Tracey said. “I was coming back here to see if you could drop me off at my sister’s. I’m watching her kids tonight and there’s never a place for me to park in her development.”

“Fine,” Andie said, walking around her friend. “But we need to leave now.”

Tracey made a face before she brought her hand up to her forehead in a salute. “Sir, yes sir!” she said, following her friend to the door.

Andie laughed, rolling her eyes as she pulled the door open and walked out through the restaurant. She weaved her way around the bar area and out through the side door, not even checking to see if Tracey was behind her.

As soon as both girls were inside the car, Andie saw Tracey turn in the passenger seat to face her. “Alright, Weber. Spill it.”

“Spill it?” Andie asked as she backed out of the space.

“Seriously, what the hell is going on with you?” Tracey asked, the concern prevailing over the playfulness in her voice.

“What? Nothing. I’m fine,” Andie said, and when Tracey responded with silence, she glanced over to see her friend staring at her.

“I call bullshit.”

Andie sighed heavily; she didn’t know who she was kidding trying to evade her best friend of nearly twenty years. “Fine,” she said softly. “I just realized that I might…I mean that I do…” She shook her head, taking a breath. “I have feelings for Chase.”

“God, you suck,” Tracey laughed. “I can’t get a good guy, and here you are lining them up.”

Andie kept her eyes on the road, saying nothing.

“Wait, hold on, are you seriously considering doing something about this?” Tracey asked, the humor now gone from her voice.

She licked her lips before she nodded, her eyes straight ahead.

A stillness fell over the car, and Andie felt a tightening in her chest as she waited for Tracey’s response.

“Andie,” she finally said. “Colin is great.”

“I know,” Andie responded softly.

There was another silence before Tracey said, “I mean, do you even know this Chase guy? Does he have feelings for you too? Or does he just want you? How much thought have you put into this? It’s just that…Colin is a lot to throw away.”

Andie exhaled heavily as she dropped her head back against the seat. “I’ve thought about it, Trace. It’s all I’ve been able to think about for the past month.”

Tracey said nothing, but out of the corner of her eye, Andie could see her shift so that she was facing the road again.

“It’s just that I chose wrong. And I want you to be sure you’re not doing the same thing.”

“You chose wrong?” Andie asked, her brow furrowed. “What are you talking about?”

“Nate.”

“But Trace,” she said, trying to choose her words carefully. “That wasn’t about you making a poor choice. Nate…” She paused, not wanting to say the words. “Nate broke up with you. You didn’t have a choice about that.”

“I cheated on him, Andie.”

She felt her eyes go wide before she whipped her head toward her friend. “You cheated on Nate?” she asked, unable to keep the shock out of her voice.

Tracey nodded.

Andie opened her mouth to respond, but no words would come. Tracey had said that Nate broke up with her because he felt they were too young to be so serious, that he wanted to experience college life.

“Why didn’t you ever—”

“I was too embarrassed to tell you,” she said quietly, cutting her off.

It was quiet for a beat before Andie said, “So…he broke up with you because he found out?”

“His roommate found out. He said that either I had to tell Nate, or he would.”

Andie fell silent, trying to make sense of everything she had just been told. Only one thought kept coming to the forefront of her mind, loud and clear; why in the hell would she have ever cheated on Nate?

“I was stupid,” Tracey said, as if she had read Andie’s mind. “Things were basically perfect with him. I know that now. But at the time, I just couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe…I don’t know…maybe the grass was greener somewhere else. He was my first real boyfriend. The thought of only being with him…it just made me feel like, I don’t know…like maybe I was settling and not even realizing it.”

Andie took a deep breath, glancing over at her friend.

“But you know how that story ends,” Tracey said with a sad smile before she shook her head. “Nothing was ever as good as him.” She was quiet before she turned toward Andie. “I ruined everything. And I’m probably going to spend the rest of my life regretting my decision.” She looked down before she added, “Sometimes when you make a mistake, you can’t go back and fix it, you can’t undo it as much as you might want to. Are you sure this isn’t going to be one of those mistakes?”

Andie exhaled slowly, saying nothing.

Because the truth was, she wasn’t sure. She had no idea what the future held for her and Chase.