Текст книги "Adultery"

Автор книги: Paulo Coelho

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Текущая страница: 3 (всего у книги 12 страниц)

It would seem that Jacob lives in a completely different world from mine, where wives don’t feel jealous and husbands encourage their wives to have affairs. Am I missing out?

“Time heals everything, don’t you think?”

That depends. Time can often make things worse. That’s what’s happening with me, but I came here to interview, not to be interviewed, so I don’t say anything. He goes on:

“The Nigerians don’t know this. I’ve set a trap for them with the Ministry of Finance and arranged to record everything, exactly as they did with me.”

At that point, I see my article go out the window, and along with it my big chance of rising up the ladder in a dying industry. There’s nothing new to be told—no adultery, no blackmail, no corruption. Everything is following the Swiss pattern of quality and excellence.

“Have you finished asking questions? Can we move on to another subject?”

Yes, I’ve asked all my questions, but I don’t really have another subject.

“I think you should have asked why I wanted to see you again. And why I wanted to know if you were happy. Do you think I’m interested in you sexually? We’re not teenagers anymore. I confess that I was surprised by what you did in my office, and I loved coming in your mouth, but that isn’t enough of a reason for why we are here, especially considering we can’t do that kind of thing in a public place. So don’t you want to know why I wanted to meet you again?”

The jack-in-the-box of that question about whether or not I’m happy springs out at me again. Doesn’t he realize that you don’t ask that kind of thing?

Only if you want to tell me, I reply, in order to provoke him and destroy, once and for all, that arrogant air of his that makes me feel so insecure. Then I add: It’s because you want to go to bed with me. You won’t be the first I’ve told “no.”

He shakes his head. I pretend to be unfazed and point at the waves on the normally calm surface of the lake below. We sit looking at them as if they were the most interesting thing in the world until he manages to find the right words:

“As you no doubt realized, I asked if you were happy because I recognized myself in you. Similarities attract. You may not feel the same about me, but that doesn’t matter. You may be mentally exhausted, convinced that your nonexistent problems—problems you know are nonexistent—are draining you of all your energy.”

I had that exact thought during lunch; tortured souls recognize each other and are drawn together in order to frighten the living.

“I feel the same,” he says. “Except that my problems are more real. Since I depend on the approval of so many people, I am filled with self-loathing when I haven’t resolved this or that problem. And that makes me feel useless. I’ve thought of seeking medical help, but my wife doesn’t want me to. She says that if anyone found out, it could ruin my career. I agree.”

So he talks about these things with his wife. Perhaps tonight I’ll do the same with my husband. Instead of going to a nightclub, I could sit down with him and tell him everything. How would he react?

“Of course, I’ve made a lot of mistakes,” he continues. “At the moment I’m trying to force myself to look at the world differently, but it’s not working. When I see someone like you—and I’ve met a lot of people in the same situation—I try to find out how they’re dealing with the problem. I need help, you see, and that’s the only way I can get it.”

So that’s it. No sex, no great romantic affair to bring a little sunshine into the gray Geneva afternoon. He just wants a support group, the kind of thing alcoholics and drug addicts have.

I get up.

I look him straight in the eye and say that I’m actually very happy, and that he should go to a psychiatrist. His wife can’t control everything in his life. Besides, medical confidentiality would guarantee that no one would find out. I have a friend who was cured by taking pills. Does he want to spend the rest of his life haunted by the specter of depression just to be reelected? Is that what he wants for his future?

He looks around to see if anyone is listening. I’ve already done that, and I know we’re alone apart from a group of drug dealers on the other side of the park, behind the restaurant. But they won’t bother us.

I can’t stop. The more I talk, the more I realize that I’m hearing myself and it’s helping. I say that negativity feeds on itself. He needs to look for something that will give him a little joy, like sailing, or going to the movies, or reading.

“No, that’s not it. You don’t understand.” He seems startled by my response.

I do understand. Every day we’re bombarded with information and images—with adolescents in heavy makeup pretending to be grown women as they advertise miraculous creams promising eternal beauty; with the story of an aging couple who climbed Mount Everest to celebrate their wedding anniversary; with new massage gizmos, and pharmacy windows that are chockablock with slimming products; with movies that give an entirely false impression of reality, and books promising fantastic results; with specialists who give advice about how to succeed in life or find inner peace. And all these things make us feel old, make us feel that we’re leading dull, unadventurous lives as our skin grows ever more flaccid, and the pounds pile on irrevocably. And yet we feel obliged to repress our emotions and our desires, because they don’t fit with what we call “maturity.”

Choose what information you listen to. Place a filter over your eyes and ears and allow in only things that won’t bring you down, because we have our day-to-day life to do that. Do you think I don’t get judged and criticized at work? Well, I do—a lot! But I’ve decided to hear only the things that encourage me to improve, the things that help me correct my mistakes. Otherwise, I will just pretend I can’t hear the other stuff or block it out.

I came here in search of a complicated story involving adultery, blackmail, and corruption. But you’ve dealt with it all in the best possible way. Can’t you see that?

Without thinking, I sit down again and grasp his head so that he can’t escape. I give him a long kiss. He hesitates for a fraction of a second, then responds. Immediately, all my feelings of impotence, fragility, failure, and insecurity are replaced by one of immense euphoria. From one moment to the next, I have suddenly become wise, I have regained control of the situation and dared to do something that before I could only imagine. I have ventured into unknown territory and dangerous waters, destroying pyramids and building sanctuaries.

I am once again the mistress of my thoughts and my actions. What seemed impossible this morning has become reality this afternoon. I can feel again, and I can love something I don’t possess. The wind has ceased to bother me and has become instead a blessing, like the caress of a god on my cheek. I have my soul back.

Hundreds of years seem to pass during the short time the kiss lasts. We separate slowly, and, as he gently strokes my hair, we look deep into each other’s eyes.

And we find exactly what was there before.

Sadness.

Now with the addition of a stupid, irresponsible gesture that, at least in my case, will only make matters worse.

We spend another half an hour together, talking about the city and its inhabitants as if nothing had happened. We seemed very close when we arrived at the park, and we became one when we kissed. Now, however, we are two complete strangers, trying to keep the conversation going just long enough so that we can each go our separate ways without too much embarrassment.

No one saw us—we’re not in a restaurant. Our marriages are safe.

I consider apologizing, but know it’s not necessary. After all, it was only a kiss.

I CAN’T honestly say that I feel victorious, but at least I’ve recovered some self-control. At home, everything carries on as usual; before I was in a terrible state, and now I’m feeling better. No one asks me how I am.

I’m going to follow Jacob König’s example and talk to my husband about my strange state of mind. I’ll confide in him, and I’m sure he’ll be able to help me.

On the other hand, I feel so good today; why spoil it by confessing to things I don’t even understand myself? I continue to struggle. I don’t believe that what I’m going through can be put down to a lack of chemical elements in my body, as I’ve read online about “compulsive sadness.”

I’m not sad today. It’s just one of those phases we all go through. I remember when my high-school class organized its farewell party; we laughed for two hours and then, at the end, we all sobbed because we knew we were parting forever. The sadness lasted for a few days or weeks, I can’t quite remember. But the mere fact that I don’t remember says something very important: it’s over. Turning thirty was hard, and perhaps I just wasn’t ready for it.

My husband goes upstairs to put the children to bed. I pour myself a glass of wine and go out into the garden.

It’s still windy. It’s a wind we know well here; it can blow for three, six, or even nine days. In France—a more romantic country than Switzerland—it’s known as the mistral and it always brings bright, cold weather. It’s high time these clouds went away. Tomorrow it will be sunny.

I keep thinking about the conversation in the park, that kiss. I feel no regrets at all. I did something I’d never done before, and that in itself has begun to break down the walls imprisoning me.

It doesn’t really matter what Jacob König thinks. I can’t spend my life trying to please other people.

I finish my glass of wine and refill it, and for the first time in many months, I feel something other than apathy or a sense of futility.

My husband comes downstairs dressed for a party and asks how long it will take me to get ready. I’d forgotten that we’d agreed to go dancing tonight.

I race upstairs, and when I come back down, I see that our Filipino babysitter has arrived and has already spread her books across the living-room table. The children are in bed asleep and shouldn’t be any trouble, and so she uses her time to study. She seems to have an aversion to television.

We’re ready to leave. I’ve put on my best dress, even at the risk of dressing to the nines for a laid-back party. What does it matter? I need to celebrate.

I WAKE to the sound of the wind rattling the windows. I blame my husband for not shutting them properly. I feel the need to get up and perform my nightly ritual of going into the children’s bedrooms to check that everything’s all right. And yet something stops me. Is it because I had too much to drink? I start to think about the waves I saw earlier at the lake, about the clouds that have now dissipated and the person who was with me. I remember very little about the nightclub; we both thought the music was horrible and the atmosphere extremely dull. It wasn’t long before we were back at our respective computers.

What about all those things I said to Jacob this afternoon? Shouldn’t I take a little time to think about them myself?

This room is suffocating me. My perfect husband is asleep beside me; he doesn’t seem to have heard the wind rattling the windows. I imagine Jacob lying beside his wife and telling her everything he feels (although I’m sure he won’t say anything about me). He’s relieved to have someone who can help him when he feels most alone. I don’t really believe what he said about her—if it were true, they would have separated. After all, they don’t have any children to worry about!

I wonder if the mistral has woken him up, too, and what he and his wife will talk about now. Where do they live? It wouldn’t be hard to find out. I can find out when I get in to work tomorrow. I wonder: Did they make love tonight? Did he take her passionately, did she moan with pleasure?

The way I behave with him is always a surprise. Oral sex, sensible advice, that kiss in the park. I seem like another person. Who is this woman I become whenever I’m with Jacob?

My provocative adolescent self. The one who was once as steady as a rock and as strong as the wind ruffling the calm waters of Lake Léman. It’s odd how whenever we meet up with old school friends, we always think they haven’t changed at all, even if the weakest has grown strong, the prettiest has ended up with a monster for a husband, and those who seemed closest have grown apart and not seen one another for years.

With Jacob, though, at least in the early stages of this reunion, I can still go back in time and be the young girl who isn’t afraid of consequences. She’s only sixteen, and the return of Saturn, which will bring maturity, is still a long way off.

I try to sleep, but I can’t. I spend an hour thinking about him obsessively. I remember my next-door neighbor washing his car and how I judged his life to be “pointless,” occupied by useless things. It’s not useless: he probably enjoys himself, taking the opportunity to get some exercise and see life’s simple things as blessings, not curses.

That’s what I need to do: relax a little and enjoy life more. I can’t keep thinking about Jacob. I am replacing my missing joy with something more concrete—a man—but that’s not the point. If I went to a psychiatrist, he’d tell me that this isn’t my problem at all; instead, it’s a lack of lithium, low levels of serotonin, and so on. This didn’t begin with Jacob’s appearance on the scene, and it won’t end with his departure.

But I can’t forget him. My mind repeats the moment of that kiss over and over.

And I realize that my unconscious is transforming an imaginary problem into a real one. That’s what always happens. That’s how illnesses come about.

I never want to see that man again. He’s been sent by the devil to destabilize something that was already fragile. How could I fall in love so quickly with someone I don’t even know? And who says I’m in love? I’ve been having problems since the spring. If things were perfectly fine before that, I see no reason why they shouldn’t be again.

I repeat what I said before: It’s just a phase.

I need to stay focused and hold negativity at bay. Wasn’t that my advice to Jacob?

I must stand firm and wait for the crisis to pass. Otherwise, I run the risk of really falling in love, and of feeling permanently what I felt for only a fraction of a second when we had lunch together that first time. And if that happens, things won’t just happen inside me. No, the suffering and pain will spread everywhere.

I lie tossing and turning in bed for what feels like ages before I fall asleep. After what seems only a second, my husband wakes me up. It’s a bright day, the sky is blue, and the mistral is still blowing.

IT’S breakfast time,” my husband says. “I’d better go and get the kids up.”

Why don’t we swap roles for once? I suggest. You go to the kitchen and I’ll get the kids ready for school.

“Is that a challenge?” he asks. “If it is, you’re going to have the best breakfast you’ve had in years.”

No, it isn’t a challenge, I just want to change things around a bit. So, you don’t think the breakfast I make is good enough?

“Listen, it’s far too early for arguments. Last night we both had a bit too much to drink, and nightclubs really aren’t meant for people our age,” he says. “Anyway, okay, you go and get the children ready.”

He leaves before I can respond. I pick up my smartphone and check what things I have to do today.

I look down the list of commitments that can’t be put off. The longer the list, the more productive I consider my day to be. Many of the tasks are things I promised to do the day before or during the week, but which I haven’t yet done. That’s why the list keeps growing, until it makes me so nervous that I decide to scrap the whole thing and start again. And then I realize that nothing on the list is actually very important.

There’s something that isn’t on the list, though, something I’m definitely not going to forget: finding out where Jacob König lives and taking a moment to drive past his house.

When I go downstairs, the table is perfectly set with fruit salad, olive oil, cheese, whole-grain bread, yogurt, and plums. A copy of the newspaper I work for is placed discreetly to the left. My husband has long since given up reading print media and is consulting his iPad. Our oldest son asks what “blackmail” means. I can’t understand why he wants to know until I see the front page. There is a large photo of Jacob, one of many he must have sent to the press. He looks thoughtful, reflective. Next to the photo is the headline: “Deputy Reports Blackmail Attempt.”

I didn’t write the article. In fact, while I was at my meeting with Jacob, the editor-in-chief rang to say that I could cancel because they had received a communiqué from the Ministry of Finance and were working on the case. I explained that the meeting had already taken place, that it had happened more quickly than I’d expected and without any need for the “usual tactics.” I was then dispatched to a nearby neighborhood (which considers itself a “city” and even has a prefecture) whose grocery store was caught selling food that’s past its sell-by date. I talked to the owner of the store, to neighbors and friends of neighbors, something I’m sure our readers found made for a more interesting article than some political scandal. It also made the front page, but without the banner headlines. “Grocery Store Fined, No Reports of Food Poisoning.”

Seeing that photo of Jacob right there on our breakfast table troubles me deeply.

I tell my husband that we need to have a talk—tonight.

“We can leave the children with my mother and go to dinner somewhere, just the two of us,” he says. “I need to spend a bit of time with you as well, alone and without any terrible music blaring in our ears. How can people possibly like that?”

IT WAS a spring morning.

I was sitting in a corner of the playground that was usually deserted and studying the tiles on the school wall. I knew there was something wrong with me.

The other children all thought I acted “better than them,” and I never made any attempt to deny this. On the contrary. I made my mother keep buying me expensive clothes and taking me to school in her pricey foreign car.

But that day in the playground, I realized that I was alone, and might remain alone for the rest of my life. Even though I was only eight years old, it seemed like it was already too late to change and to prove to the other children that I was just like them.

Now, summer.

I was at secondary school, and the boys were always hitting on me, no matter how hard I tried to fend them off. The other girls were green with envy, but pretended not to be and were always hanging around and cozying up to me, hoping to pick up any rejects.

And I rejected almost everyone, because I knew that if anyone ever managed to enter my world, they would find nothing of interest. It was best to maintain an air of mystery with a hint of unattainable pleasures.

On my way home, I noticed a few mushrooms that had sprung up after the rain. They were perfect and intact because everyone knew they were poisonous. For a fraction of a second, I considered eating them. I wasn’t feeling particularly sad or particularly happy; I just wanted to get my parents’ attention.

I didn’t eat the mushrooms.

Now it’s the first day of autumn, the loveliest season of the year. Soon the leaves will change color and each tree will be different from all the others. On the way to the car park, I decide to take a slightly different route.

I stop in front of the school where I studied. The tile wall is still there. Nothing has changed, except for the fact that I’m no longer alone. In my mind are two men; one will never be mine, but I’ll have dinner tonight with the other one in some special, carefully chosen spot.

A bird flies across the sky, playing with the wind. It flies back and forth, rises and falls, its movements obeying some logic I cannot understand. Perhaps the only logic is that of having fun.

I am not a bird. I can’t spend my life playing like many of our friends, who have less money but who seem to spend their whole lives traveling or going to restaurants. I’ve tried to be like that, but I can’t. Thanks to my husband’s influence, I got the job I have now. I work, I fill my time, I feel useful and able to justify my existence. One day, my children will be proud of their mother, and my childhood friends will be more frustrated than ever, because I have managed to build something tangible while they have devoted themselves to looking after the house, the children, and their husband.

Perhaps they don’t have this need to impress other people. I do, and I can’t reject it, because it’s been a good influence on my life, driving me on. As long as I don’t take any unnecessary risks, of course. As long as I manage to preserve my world exactly as it is today.

As soon as I get to the office, I search through the government’s digital archives. It takes me less than a minute to find Jacob König’s address, as well as information about how much he earns, where he studied, the name of his wife, and where she works.

MY HUSBAND has chosen a restaurant halfway between my office and our house. We’ve been there before. I like the food, the wine, and the atmosphere, but I always feel that we eat better at home. I dine out only when my social life requires it, and, whenever I can, I avoid it. I love cooking. I love being with my family, feeling that I’m both protector and protected.

One of the tasks not on my to-do list this morning was “drive past Jacob König’s house.” I managed to resist the impulse. I have enough imaginary problems without adding the real problem of unrequited love. The feelings I had are long over. It won’t happen again. We can now proceed into a future of peace, hope, and prosperity.

“They say the owner has changed and the food isn’t quite as good,” says my husband.

It doesn’t matter. Restaurant food is always the same: too much butter, ostentatious presentation, and—because we live in one of the most expensive cities in the world—an exorbitant price for something that really isn’t worth it.

But eating out is a ritual. We are greeted by the headwaiter, who leads us to our usual table even though we haven’t been here for some time. He asks if we want the same wine (of course we do) and hands us the menu. I read it from beginning to end and choose the same thing as always. My husband opts for his traditional choice, roast lamb with lentils. The waiter comes to tell us about today’s chef’s specials: we listen politely, grunt appreciatively, then order.

The first glass of wine doesn’t need to be tasted and meticulously analyzed because we’ve been married for ten years. It goes down very quickly, among talk of work and complaints about the man who was supposed to come and fix the central heating but never turned up.

“And how are you getting on with that article about next Sunday’s elections?” my husband asks.

I’ve been commissioned to write about a question I find particularly interesting: Does the electorate have a right to scrutinize a politician’s private life? It’s a response to the news that a deputy is being blackmailed by Nigerians. Most of the people I interviewed said they don’t care. It’s not like it is in the United States, they say, and we’re proud of that.

We talk about other recent news items. The increase in the number of voters at the last election for the Council of States. The drivers working for Geneva’s public transport company, TPG, who are tired but happy with their work. A woman who was run over in a crosswalk. The train that broke down and blocked the line for more than two hours. And other such pointless topics.

I pour myself another glass of wine, without waiting for the appetizer and without asking my husband what his day was like. He listens politely to everything I’ve just said. He must be wondering what we’re doing here.

“You seem happier today,” he says after the waiter has brought our main course, and after I realize I’ve been talking nonstop for twenty minutes. “Has something special happened to cheer you up?”

If he’d asked that same question on the day I went to Parc des Eaux-Vives, I would have blushed and immediately come out with the string of excuses I’d saved up. But today has been another normal, tedious day despite my attempts to convince myself that I’m very important to the world.

“What was it you wanted to talk to me about?”

I take a sip from my third glass of wine and prepare to make a full confession. The waiter arrives and stops me just as I’m about to leap into the abyss. We exchange a few more meaningless words, wasting precious minutes of my life on pointless niceties.

My husband orders another bottle of wine. The waiter wishes us “bon appétit” and goes off to fetch the new bottle. Then I begin.

You’ll say that I need to see a doctor, but I don’t. I cope perfectly well with my work at home and in the office, but for some months now I’ve been feeling sad.

“You could have fooled me. Like I just said, you seem much happier.”

Of course. My sadness has become so routine that no one notices anymore. It’s really good to finally talk about it, but what I have to say runs deeper than that false happiness. I don’t sleep properly anymore. I feel I’m just being self-obsessed, trying to impress people as if I were a child. I cry alone in the shower for no reason. I’ve only really enjoyed making love once in many months, and you know what time I’m talking about. I thought perhaps I was going through a midlife crisis, but that isn’t enough of an explanation. I feel like I’m wasting my life, that one day I’ll look back and regret everything I’ve done, apart from having married you and having our lovely children.

“But isn’t that what matters most?”

For lots of people, yes. But it isn’t enough for me. It’s getting worse every day. When I finally finish my housework each evening, an endless dialogue starts in my head. I’m afraid of things changing, but at the same time I’m dying to experience something different. My thoughts keep repeating themselves uncontrollably. You don’t notice because you’re asleep. For example, did you notice the mistral last night rattling the windows?

“No, the windows were shut.”

That’s what I mean. Even a high wind that has blown thousands of times since we’ve been married is capable of waking me up. I notice when you turn over in bed and when you talk in your sleep. But please don’t take this personally—it seems like I’m surrounded by things that make no sense. Just to be clear, though: I love our children. I love you. I adore my work. But that only makes me feel worse, because I feel I’m being unfair to God, to life, to you.

He’s barely touched his food. It’s as if he were sitting opposite a complete stranger. But saying these words has already filled me with an enormous peace. My secret is out. The wine is having its effect. I am no longer alone. Thank you, Jacob König.

“Do you think you need to see a doctor?”

I don’t know. Even if I did, I don’t want to go down that road. I need to learn how to resolve my problems on my own.

“It must have been very difficult to keep all these emotions to yourself for so long. Thank you for telling me. But why didn’t you tell me before?”

Because it’s only now that things have become unbearable. I was thinking today about my childhood and teenage years. Does the root of all this lie there? I don’t think so, not unless my mind has been lying to me all these years, which I think is unlikely. I come from a normal family, I had a normal upbringing, I lead a normal life. What’s wrong with me?

I didn’t say anything before—I tell him, crying now—because I thought it would pass and I didn’t want to worry you.

“You’re definitely not crazy. I haven’t noticed any of this. You haven’t been particularly irritable, you haven’t lost weight, and if you can control your feelings that well, then there must be a way out of this.”

Why did he mention losing weight?

“I can ask our doctor to prescribe some tranquilizers to help you sleep. I’ll say they’re for me. I think that if you could sleep properly, then you would gradually regain control of your thoughts. Perhaps we should exercise more. The children would love it. We’re far too caught up in work, and that’s not good.”

I’m not that caught up in my work. Despite what you think, the idiotic articles I write help me keep my mind occupied and drive away the wild thoughts that overwhelm me as soon as I have nothing to do.

“But we do need more exercise, more time outdoors. To run until we drop with exhaustion. And perhaps we should invite friends round more often.”

That would be a complete nightmare! Having to talk and entertain people with a fixed smile on my lips, listening to their views on opera and traffic. Then, to top it all, having to clean up afterward.

“Let’s go to the Jura National Park this weekend. We haven’t been there for ages.”

The elections are this weekend. I’ll be on duty at the newspaper.

We eat in silence. The waiter has already been to our table twice to see if we’ve finished, but we haven’t even touched our plates. We make short work of the second bottle of wine. I can imagine what my husband’s thinking: “How can I help my wife? What can I do to make her happy?” Nothing. Nothing more than he’s doing already. I would hate it if he arrived home bearing a box of chocolates or a bouquet of flowers.

We conclude that he’s had too much to drink to drive home, so we’ll have to leave the car at the restaurant and fetch it tomorrow. I telephone my mother-in-law and ask if the children can sleep over. I’ll be there early tomorrow morning to take them to school.

“But what exactly is missing in your life?”

Please don’t ask me that. Because the answer is nothing. Nothing! If only I had some serious problem. I don’t know anyone who’s going through quite the same thing. Even a friend of mine, who spent years feeling depressed, is now getting treatment. I don’t think I need that, because I don’t have the symptoms she described. I don’t want to enter the dangerous territory of legal drugs. People might be angry, stressed, or grieving over a broken heart—and in the latter case, they might thinkthey’re depressed and in need of medicines and drugs—but they’re not. They’re just suffering from a broken heart, and there have been broken hearts ever since the world began, ever since man discovered that mysterious thing called Love.