Текст книги "The Inspector-General"

Автор книги: Николай Гоголь

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GOVERNOR (recovering himself a little and saluting military fashion). Ihave come to present my compliments, sir.

KHLESTAKOV (bows). How do you do, sir?

GOVERNOR. Excuse my intruding.

KHLESTAKOV. Pray don't mention it.

GOVERNOR. It's my duty as chief magistrate of this town to see that visitors and persons of rank should suffer no inconveniences.

KHLESTAKOV (a little halting at first, but toward the end in a loud, firm voice). Well—what was—to be– done? It's not—my fault. I'm—really going to pay. They will send me money from home. (Bobchinsky peeps in at the door.)He's most to blame. He gives me beef as hard as a board and the soup—the devil knows what he put into it. I ought to have pitched it out of the window. He starves me the whole day. His tea is so peculiar—it smells of fish, not tea. So why should I– The idea!

GOVERNOR (scared). Excuse me! I assure you, it's not my fault. I always have good beef in the market here. The Kholmogory merchants bring it, and they are sober, well-behaved people. I'm sure I don't know where he gets his bad meat from. But if anything is wrong, may I suggest that you allow me to take you to another place?

KHLESTAKOV. No, i thank you. I don't care to leave. I know what the other place is—the jail. What right have you, I should like to know—how dare you?– Why, I'm in the government service at St. Petersburg. (Puts on a bold front.)I—I—I—

GOVERNOR (aside). My God, how angry he is. He has found out everything. Those damned merchants have told him everything.

KHLESTAKOV (with bravado). I won't go even if you come here with your whole force. I'll go straight to the minister. (Bangs his fist on the table.)What do you mean? What do you mean?

GOVERNOR (drawing himself up stiffly and shaking all over). Have pity on me. Don't ruin me. I have a wife and little children. Don't bring misfortune on a man.

KHLESTAKOV. No, i won't go. What's that got to do with me? Must I go to jail because you have a wife and little children? Great! (Bobchinsky looks in at the door and disappears in terror.)No, much obliged to you. I will not go.

GOVERNOR (trembling). It was my inexperience. I swear to you, it was nothing but my inexperience and insufficient means. Judge for yourself. The salary I get is not enough for tea and sugar. And if I have taken bribes, they were mere trifles—something for the table, or a coat or two. As for the officer's widow to whom they say I gave a beating, she's in business now, and it's a slander, it's a slander that I beat her. Those scoundrels here invented the lie. They are ready to murder me. That's the kind of people they are.

KHLESTAKOV. Well. I've nothing to do with them. (Reflecting.)I don't see, though, why you should talk to me about your scoundrels or officer's widow. An officer's widow is quite a different matter.– But don't you dare to beat me. You can't do it to me—no, sir, you can't. The idea! Look at him! I'll pay, I'll pay the money. Just now I'm out of cash. That's why I stay here—because I haven't a single kopek.

GOVERNOR (aside). Oh, he's a shrewd one. So that's what he's aiming at? He's raised such a cloud of dust you can't tell what direction he's going. Who can guess what he wants? One doesn't know where to begin. But I will try. Come what may, I'll try—hit or miss. (Aloud.)H'm, if you really are in want of money, I'm ready to serve you. It is my duty to assist strangers in town.

KHLESTAKOV. Lend me some, lend me some. Then i'll settle up immediately with the landlord. I only want two hundred rubles. Even less would do.

GOVERNOR. There's just two hundred rubles. (Giving him the money.)Don't bother to count it.

KHLESTAKOV (taking it). Very much obliged to you. I'll send it back to you as soon as I get home. I just suddenly found myself without– H'm– I see you are a gentleman. Now it's all different.

GOVERNOR (aside). Well, thank the Lord, he's taken the money. Now I suppose things will move along smoothly. I slipped four hundred instead of two into his hand.

KHLESTAKOV. Ho, osip! (Osip enters.)Tell the servant to come. (To the Governor and Dobchinsky.)Please be seated. (To Dobchinsky.)Please take a seat, I beg of you.

GOVERNOR. Don't trouble. We can stand.

KHLESTAKOV. But, please, please be seated. I now see perfectly how open-hearted and generous you are. I confess I thought you had come to put me in– (To Dobchinsky.)Do take a chair.

The Governor and Dobchinsky sit down. Bobchinsky looks in at the door and listens.

GOVERNOR (aside). Imust be bolder. He wants us to pretend he is incognito. Very well, we will talk nonsense, too. We'll pretend we haven't the least idea who he is. (Aloud.)I was going about in the performance of my duty with Piotr Ivanovich Dobchinsky here– he's a landed proprietor here—and we came to the inn to see whether the guests are properly accommodated– because I'm not like other governors, who don't care about anything. No, apart from my duty, out of pure Christian philanthropy, I wish every mortal to be decently treated. And as if to reward me for my pains, chance has afforded me this pleasant acquaintance.

KHLESTAKOV. I, too, am delighted. Without your aid, i confess, I should have had to stay here a long time. I didn't know how in the world to pay my bill.

GOVERNOR (aside). Oh, yes, fib on.– Didn't know how to pay his bill! May I ask where your Honor is going?

KHLESTAKOV. I'm going to my own village in the government of Saratov.

GOVERNOR (aside, with an ironical expression on his face). The Government of Saratov! H'm, h'm! And doesn't even blush! One must be on the qui vive with this fellow. (Aloud.)You have undertaken a great task. They say travelling is disagreeable because of the delay in getting horses but, on the other hand, it is a diversion. You are travelling for your own amusement, I suppose?

KHLESTAKOV. No, my father wants me. He's angry because so far I haven't made headway in the St. Petersburg service. He thinks they stick the Vladimir in your buttonhole the minute you get there. I'd like him to knock about in the government offices for a while.

GOVERNOR (aside). How he fabricates! Dragging in his old father, too. (Aloud.)And may I ask whether you are going there to stay for long?

KHLESTAKOV. I really don't know. You see, my father is stubborn and stupid—an old dotard as hard as a block of wood. I'll tell him straight out, "Do what you will, I can't live away from St. Petersburg." Really, why should I waste my life among peasants? Our times make different demands on us. My soul craves enlightenment.

GOVERNOR (aside). He can spin yarns all right. Lie after lie and never trips. And such an ugly insignificant-looking creature, too. Why, it seems to me I could crush him with my finger nails. But wait, I'll make you talk. I'll make you tell me things. (Aloud.)You were quite right in your observation, that one can do nothing in a dreary out-of-the-way place. Take this town, for instance. You lie awake nights, you work hard for your country, you don't spare yourself, and the reward? You don't know when it's coming. (He looks round the room.)This room seems rather damp.

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, it's a dirty room. And the bugs! I've never experienced anything like them. They bite like dogs.

GOVERNOR. You don't say! An illustrious guest like you to be subjected to such annoyance at the hands of —whom? Of vile bugs which should never have been born. And I dare say, it's dark here, too.

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, very gloomy. The landlord has introduced the custom of not providing candles. Sometimes I want to do something—read a bit, or, if the fancy strikes me, write something.– I can't. It's a dark room, yes, very dark.

GOVERNOR. I wonder if i might be bold enough to ask you—but, no, I'm unworthy.

KHLESTAKOV. What is it?

GOVERNOR. No, no, i'm unworthy. I'm unworthy.

KHLESTAKOV. But what is it?

GOVERNOR. If i might be bold enough—i have a fine room for you at home, light and cosy. But no, I feel it is too great an honor. Don't be offended. Upon my word, I made the offer out of the simplicity of my heart.

KHLESTAKOV. On the contrary, i accept your invitation with pleasure. I should feel much more comfortable in a private house than in this disreputable tavern.

GOVERNOR. I'm only too delighted. How glad my wife will be. It's my character, you know. I've always been hospitable from my very childhood, especially when my guest is a distinguished person. Don't think I say this out of flattery. No, I haven't that vice. I only speak from the fullness of my heart.

KHLESTAKOV. I'm greatly obliged to you. I myself hate double-faced people. I like your candor and kind-heartedness exceedingly. And I am free to say, I ask for nothing else than devotion and esteem—esteem and devotion.

SCENE IX

The above and the Servant, accompanied by Osip. Bobchinsky peeps in at the door.

SERVANT. Did your honor wish anything?

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, let me have the bill.

SERVANT. I gave you the second one a little while ago.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, i can't remember your stupid accounts. Tell me what the whole comes to.

SERVANT. You were pleased to order dinner the first day. The second day you only took salmon. And then you took everything on credit.

KHLESTAKOV. Fool! (Starts to count it all up now.)How much is it altogether?

GOVERNOR. Please don't trouble yourself. He can wait . (To the Servant.)Get out of here. The money will be sent to you.

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, that's so, of course. (He puts the money in his pocket.)

The Servant goes out. B obchinskypeeps in at the door.

SCENE X

The Governor , Khlestakovand Dobchinsky.

GOVERNOR. Would you care to inspect a few institutions in our town now—the philanthropic institutions, for instance, and others?

KHLESTAKOV. But what is there to see?

GOVERNOR. Well, you'll see how they're run—the order in which we keep them.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, with the greatest pleasure. I'm ready.

Bobchinsky puts his head in at the door.

GOVERNOR. And then, if you wish, we can go from there and inspect the district school and see our method of education.

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, yes, if you please.

GOVERNOR. Afterwards, if you should like to visit our town jails and prisons, you will see how our criminals are kept.

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, yes, but why go to prison? We had better go to see the philanthropic institutions.

GOVERNOR. As you please. Do you wish to ride in your own carriage, or with me in the cab?

KHLESTAKOV. I'd rather take the cab with you.

GOVERNOR (to Dobchinsky). Now there'll be no room for you, Piotr Ivanovich.

DOBCHINSKY. It doesn't matter. I'll walk.

GOVERNOR (aside, to Dobchinsky). Listen. Run as fast as you can and take two notes, one to Zemlianika at the hospital, the other to my wife. (To Khlestakov.)May I take the liberty of asking you to permit me to write a line to my wife to tell her to make ready to receive our honored guest?

KHLESTAKOV. Why go to so much trouble? However, there is the ink. I don't know whether there is any paper. Would the bill do?

GOVERNOR. Yes, that'll do. (Writes, talking to himself at the same time.)We'll see how things will go after lunch and several stout-bellied bottles. We have some Russian Madeira, not much to look at, but it will knock an elephant off its legs. If I only knew what he is and how much I have to be (on) my guard.

He finishes writing and gives the notes to Dobchinsky. As the latter walks across the stage, the door suddenly falls in, and Bobchinsky tumbles in with it to the floor. All exclaim in surprise. Bobchinsky rises.

KHLESTAKOV. Have you hurt yourself?

BOBCHINSKY. Oh, it's nothing—nothing at all– only a little bruise on my nose. I'll run in to Dr. Hübner's. He has a sort of plaster. It'll soon pass away.

GOVERNOR (making an angry gesture at Bobchinsky. To Khlestakov). Oh, it's nothing. Now, if you please, sir, we'll go. I'll tell your servant to carry your luggage over. (Calls Osip.)Here, my good fellow, take all your master's things to my house, the Governor's. Anyone will tell you where it is. By your leave, sir. (Makes way for Khlestakov and follows him; then turns and says reprovingly to Bobchinsky.)Couldn't you find some other place to fall in? Sprawling out here like a lobster!

Goes out. After him Bobchinsky. Curtain falls.

ACT III 

SCENE: The same as in Act I.

SCENE I

Anna Andreyevna and Marya Antonovnastanding at the window in the same positions as at the end of Act I.

ANNA. There now! We've been waiting a whole hour. All on account of your silly prinking. You were completely dressed, but no, you have to keep on dawdling.– Provoking! Not a soul to be seen, as though on purpose, as though the whole world were dead.

MARYA. Now really, mamma, we shall know all about it in a minute or two. Avdotya must come back soon. (Looks out of the window and exclaims.)Oh, mamma, someone is coming—there down the street!

ANNA. Where? Just your imagination again!– why, yes, someone is coming. I wonder who it is. A short man in a frock coat. Who can it be? Eh? The suspense is awful! Who can it be, I wonder.

MARYA. Dobchinsky, mamma.

ANNA. Dobchinsky! Your imagination again! It's not Dobchinsky at all. (Waves her handkerchief.)Ho, you! Come here! Quick!

MARYA. It is dobchinsky, mamma.

ANNA. Of course, you've got to contradict. I tell you, it's not Dobchinsky.

MARYA. Well, well, mamma? Isn't it dobchinsky?

ANNA. Yes, it is, i see now. Why do you argue about it? (Calls through the window.)Hurry up, quick! You're so slow. Well, where are they? What? Speak from where you are. It's all the same. What? He is very strict? Eh? And how about my husband? (Moves away a little from the window, exasperated.)He is so stupid. He won't say a word until he is in the room.

SCENE II

Enter Dobchinsky.

ANNA. Now tell me, aren't you ashamed? You were the only one I relied on to act decently. They all ran away and you after them, and till now I haven't been able to find out a thing. Aren't you ashamed? I stood godmother to your Vanichka and Lizanko, and this is the way you treat me.

DOBCHINSKY. Godmother, upon my word, i ran so fast to pay my respects to you that I'm all out of breath. How do you do, Marya Antonovna?

MARYA. Good afternoon, Piotr Ivanovich.

ANNA. Well, tell me all about it. What is happening at the inn?

DOBCHINSKY. I have a note for you from Anton Antonovich.

ANNA. But who is he? A general?

DOBCHINSKY. No, not a general, but every bit as good as a general, I tell you. Such culture! Such dignified manners!

ANNA. Ah! So he is the same as the one my husband got a letter about.

DOBCHINSKY. Exactly. It was Piotr Ivanovich and I who first discovered him.

ANNA. Tell me, tell me all about it.

DOBCHINSKY. It's all right now, thank the lord. At first he received Anton Antonovich rather roughly. He was angry and said the inn was not run properly, and he wouldn't come to the Governor's house and he didn't want to go to jail on account of him. But then when he found out that Anton Antonovich was not to blame and they got to talking more intimately, he changed right away, and, thank Heaven, everything went well. They've gone now to inspect the philanthropic institutions. I confess that Anton Antonovich had already begun to suspect that a secret denunciation had been lodged against him. I myself was trembling a little, too.

ANNA. What have you to be afraid of? You're not an official.

DOBCHINSKY. Well, you see, when a grand mogul speaks, you feel afraid.

ANNA. That's all rubbish. Tell me, what is he like personally? Is he young or old?

DOBCHINSKY. Young—a young man of about twenty-three. But he talks as if he were older. "If you will allow me," he says, "I will go there and there." (Waves his hands.)He does it all with such distinction. "I like," he says, "to read and write, but I am prevented because my room is rather dark."

ANNA. And what sort of a looking man is he, dark or fair?

DOBCHINSKY. Neither. I should say rather chestnut. And his eyes dart about like little animals. They make you nervous.

ANNA. Let me see what my husband writes. (Reads.)"I hasten to let you know, dear, that my position was extremely uncomfortable, but relying on the mercy of God, two pickles extra and a half portion of caviar, one ruble and twenty-five kopeks." (Stops.)I don't understand. What have pickles and caviar got to do with it?

DOBCHINSKY. Oh, Anton Antonovich hurriedly wrote on a piece of scrap paper. There's a kind of bill on it.

ANNA. Oh, yes, i see. (Goes on reading.)"But relying on the mercy of God, I believe all will turn out well in the end. Get a room ready quickly for the distinguished guest—the one with the gold wall paper. Don't bother to get any extras for dinner because we'll have something at the hospital with Artemy Filippovich. Order a little more wine, and tell Abdulin to send the best, or I'll wreck his whole cellar. I kiss your hand, my dearest, and remain yours, Anton Skvoznik-Dmukhanovsky." Oh my! I must hurry. Hello, who's there? Mishka?

DOBCHINSKY (Runs to the door and calls.)Mishka! Mishka! Mishka!

Mishka enters.

ANNA. Listen! Run over to abdulin—wait, I'll give you a note. (She sits down at the table and writes, talking all the while.)Give this to Sidor, the coachman, and tell him to take it to Abdulin and bring back the wine. And get to work at once and make the gold room ready for a guest. Do it nicely. Put a bed in it, a wash basin and pitcher and everything else.

DOBCHINSKY. Well, i'm going now, Anna Andreyevna, to see how he does the inspecting.

ANNA. Go on, i'm not keeping you.

SCENE III

Anna Andreyevna and Marya Antonovna.

ANNA. Now, mashenka, we must attend to our toilet. He's a metropolitan swell and God forbid that he should make fun of us. You put on your blue dress with the little flounces. It's the most becoming.

MARYA. The idea, mamma! The blue dress! I can't bear it. Liapkin-Tiapkin's wife wears blue and so does Zemlianika's daughter. I'd rather wear my flowered dress.

ANNA. Your flowered dress! Of course, just to be contrary. You'll look lots better in blue because I'm going to wear my dun-colored dress. I love dun-color.

MARYA. Oh, mamma, it isn't a bit becoming to you.

ANNA. What, dun-color isn't becoming to me?

MARYA. No, not a bit. I'm positive it isn't. One's eyes must be quite dark to go with dun-color.

ANNA. That's nice! And aren't my eyes dark? They are as dark as can be. What nonsense you talk! How can they be anything but dark when I always draw the queen of clubs.

MARYA. Why, mamma, you are more like the queen of hearts.

ANNA. Nonsense! Perfect nonsense! I never was a queen of hearts. (She goes out hurriedly with Marya and speaks behind the scenes.)The ideas she gets into her head! Queen of hearts! Heavens! What do you think of that?

As they go out, a door opens through which Mishka sweeps dirt on to the stage. Osip enters from another door with a valise on his head.

SCENE IV

Mishka and Osip.

OSIP. Where is this to go?

MISHKA. In here, in here.

OSIP. Wait, let me fetch breath first. Lord! What a wretched life! On an empty stomach any load seems heavy.

MISHKA. Say, uncle, will the general be here soon?

OSIP. What general?

MISHKA. Your master.

OSIP. My master? What sort of a general is he?

MISHKA. Isn't he a general?

OSIP. Yes, he's a general, only the other way round.

MISHKA. Is that higher or lower than a real general?

OSIP. Higher.

MISHKA. Gee whiz! That's why they are raising such a racket about him here.

OSIP. Look here, young man, i see you're a smart fellow. Get me something to eat, won't you?

MISHKA. There isn't anything ready yet for the likes of you. You won't eat plain food. When your master takes his meal, they'll let you have the same as he gets.

OSIP. But have you got any plain stuff?

MISHKA. We have cabbage soup, porridge and pie.

OSIP. That's all right. We'll eat cabbage soup, porridge and pie, we'll eat everything. Come, help me with the valise. Is there another way to go out there?

MISHKA. Yes.

They both carry the valise into the next room.

SCENE V

The Sergeants open both folding doors. K hlestakoventers followed by the Governor, then the Superintendent of Charities, the Inspector of Schools, Dobchinskyand Bobchinskywith a plaster on his nose. The Governor points to a piece of paper lying on the floor, and the Sergeants rush to pick it up, pushing each other in their haste.

KHLESTAKOV. Excellent institutions. I like the way you show strangers everything in your town. In other towns they didn't show me a thing.

GOVERNOR. In other towns, i venture to observe, the authorities and officials look out for themselves more. Here, I may say, we have no other thought than to win the Government's esteem through good order, vigilance, and efficiency.

KHLESTAKOV. The lunch was excellent. I've positively overeaten. Do you set such a fine table every day?

GOVERNOR. In honor of so agreeable a guest we do.

KHLESTAKOV. I like to eat well. That's what a man lives for—to pluck the flowers of pleasure. What was that fish called?

ARTEMY (running up to him). Labardan.

KHLESTAKOV. It was delicious. Where was it we had our lunch? In the hospital, wasn't it?

ARTEMY. Precisely, in the hospital.

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, yes, i remember. There were beds there. The patients must have gotten well. There don't seem to have been many of them.

ARTEMY. About ten are left. The rest recovered. The place is so well run, there is such perfect order. It may seem incredible to you, but ever since I've taken over the management, they all recover like flies. No sooner does a patient enter the hospital than he feels better. And we obtain this result not so much by medicaments as by honesty and orderliness.

GOVERNOR. In this connection may i venture to call your attention to what a brain-racking job the office of Governor is. There are so many matters he has to give his mind to just in connection with keeping the town clean and repairs and alterations. In a word, it is enough to upset the most competent person. But, thank God, all goes well. Another governor, of course, would look out for his own advantage. But believe me, even nights in bed I keep thinking: "Oh, God, how could I manage things in such a way that the government would observe my devotion to duty and be satisfied?" Whether the government will reward me or not, that of course, lies with them. At least I'll have a clear conscience. When the whole town is in order, the streets swept clean, the prisoners well kept, and few drunkards—what more do I want? Upon my word, I don't even crave honors. Honors, of course, are alluring; but as against the happiness which comes from doing one's duty, they are nothing but dross and vanity.

ARTEMY (aside). Oh, the do-nothing, the scoundrel! How he holds forth! I wish the Lord had blessed me with such a gift!

KHLESTAKOV. That's so. I admit i sometimes like to philosophize, too. Sometimes it's prose, and sometimes it comes out poetry.

BOBCHINSKY (to Dobchinsky). How true, how true it all is, Piotr Ivanovich. His remarks are great. It's evident that he is an educated man.

KHLESTAKOV. Would you tell me, please, if you have any amusements here, any circles where one could have a game of cards?

GOVERNOR (aside). Ahem! I know what you are aiming at, my boy. (Aloud.)God forbid! Why, no one here has even heard of such a thing as card-playing circles. I myself have never touched a card. I don't know how to play. I can never look at cards with indifference, and if I happen to see a king of diamonds or some such thing, I am so disgusted I have to spit out. Once I made a house of cards for the children, and then I dreamt of those confounded things the whole night. Heavens! How can people waste their precious time over cards!

LUKA LUKICH (aside). But he faroed me out of a hundred rubles yesterday, the rascal.

GOVERNOR. I'd rather employ my time for the benefit of the state.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, well, that's rather going too far. It all depends upon the point of view. If, for instance, you pass when you have to treble stakes, then of course– No, don't say that a game of cards isn't very tempting sometimes.

SCENE VI

The above , Anna Andreyevnaand Marya Antonovna.

GOVERNOR. Permit me to introduce my family, my wife and daughter.

KHLESTAKOV (bowing). Iam happy, madam, to have the pleasure of meeting you.

ANNA. Our pleasure in meeting so distinguished a person is still greater.

KHLESTAKOV (showing off). Excuse me, madam, on the contrary, my pleasure is the greater.

ANNA. Impossible. You condescend to say it to compliment me. Won't you please sit down?

KHLESTAKOV. Just to stand near you is bliss. But if you insist, I will sit down. I am so, so happy to be at your side at last.

ANNA. I beg your pardon, but i dare not take all the nice things you say to myself. I suppose you must have found travelling very unpleasant after living in the capital.

KHLESTAKOV. Extremely unpleasant. I am accustomed, comprenez-vous, to life in the fashionable world, and suddenly to find myself on the road, in dirty inns with dark rooms and rude people—I confess that if it were not for this chance which– ( giving Anna a look and showing off)compensated me for everything—

ANNA. It must really have been extremely unpleasant for you.

KHLESTAKOV. At this moment, however, i find it exceedingly pleasant, madam.

ANNA. Oh, i cannot believe it. You do me much honor. I don't deserve it.

KHLESTAKOV. Why don't you deserve it? You do deserve it, madam.

ANNA. I live in a village.

KHLESTAKOV. Well, after all, a village too has something. It has its hills and brooks. Of course it's not to be compared with St. Petersburg. Ah, St. Petersburg! What a life, to be sure! Maybe you think I am only a copying clerk. No, I am on a friendly footing with the chief of our department. He slaps me on the back. "Come, brother," he says, "and have dinner with me." I just drop in the office for a couple of minutes to say this is to be done so, and that is to be done that way. There's a rat of a clerk there for copying letters who does nothing but scribble all the time—tr, tr– They even wanted to make me a college assessor, but I think to myself, "What do I want it for?" And the doorkeeper flies after me on the stairs with the shoe brush. "Allow me to shine your boots for you, Ivan Aleksandrovich," he says. (To the Governor.)Why are you standing, gentleman? Please sit down.

Together

GOVERNOR. Our rank is such that we can very well stand.

ARTEMY. We don't mind standing.

LUKA. Please don't trouble.

KHLESTAKOV. Please sit down without the rank.

The Governor and the rest sit down.

I don't like ceremony. On the contrary, I always like to slip by unobserved. But it's impossible to conceal oneself, impossible. I no sooner show myself in a place than they say, "There goes Ivan Aleksandrovich!" Once I was even taken for the commander-in-chief. The soldiers rushed out of the guard-house and saluted. Afterwards an officer, an intimate acquaintance of mine, said to me: "Why, old chap, we completely mistook you for the commander-in-chief."

ANNA. Well, i declare!

KHLESTAKOV. I know pretty actresses. I've written a number of vaudevilles, you know. I frequently meet literary men. I am on an intimate footing with Pushkin. I often say to him: "Well, Pushkin, old boy, how goes it?" "So, so, partner," he'd reply, "as usual." He's a great original.

ANNA. So you write too? How thrilling it must be to be an author! You write for the papers also, I suppose?

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, for the papers, too. I am the author of a lot of works—The Marriage of Figaro, Robert le Diable, Norma. I don't even remember all the names. I did it just by chance. I hadn't meant to write, but a theatrical manager said, "Won't you please write something for me?" I thought to myself: "All right, why not?" So I did it all in one evening, surprised everybody. I am extraordinarily light of thought. All that has appeared under the name of Baron Brambeus was written by me, and the The Frigate of Hope and The Moscow Telegraph.

ANNA. What! So you are brambeus?

KHLESTAKOV. Why, yes. And i revise and whip all their articles into shape. Smirdin gives me forty thousand for it.

ANNA. I suppose, then, that yury Miroslavsky is yours too.

KHLESTAKOV. Yes, it's mine.

ANNA. I guessed at once.

MARYA. But, mamma, it says that it's by zagoskin.

ANNA. There! I knew you'd be contradicting even here.

KHLESTAKOV. Oh, yes, it's so. That was by zagoskin. But there is another yury Miroslavsky which was written by me.

ANNA. That's right. I read yours. It's charming.

KHLESTAKOV. I admit i live by literature. I have the first house in St. Petersburg. It is well known as the house of Ivan Aleksandrovich. (Addressing the company in general.)If any of you should come to St. Petersburg, do please call to see me. I give balls, too, you know.

ANNA. I can guess the taste and magnificence of those balls.

KHLESTAKOV. Immense! For instance, watermelon will be served costing seven hundred rubles. The soup comes in the tureen straight from Paris by steamer. When the lid is raised, the aroma of the steam is like nothing else in the world. And we have formed a circle for playing whist—the Minister of Foreign Affairs, the French, the English and the German Ambassadors and myself. We play so hard we kill ourselves over the cards. There's nothing like it. After it's over I'm so tired I run home up the stairs to the fourth floor and tell the cook, "Here, Marushka, take my coat"– What am I talking about?—I forgot that I live on the first floor. One flight up costs me– My foyer before I rise in the morning is an interesting spectacle indeed—counts and princes jostling each other and humming like bees. All you hear is buzz, buzz, buzz. Sometimes the Minister—

The Governor and the rest rise in awe from their chairs.

Even my mail comes addressed "Your Excellency." And once I even had charge of a department. A strange thing happened. The head of the department went off, disappeared, no one knew where. Of course there was a lot of talk about how the place would be filled, who would fill it, and all that sort of thing. There were ever so many generals hungry for the position, and they tried, but they couldn't cope with it. It's too hard. Just on the surface it looks easy enough; but when you come to examine it closely, it's the devil of a job. When they saw they couldn't manage, they came to me. In an instant the streets were packed full with couriers, nothing but couriers and couriers—thirty-five thousand of them, imagine! Pray, picture the situation to yourself! "Ivan Aleksandrovich, do come and take the directorship of the department." I admit I was a little embarrassed. I came out in my dressing-gown. I wanted to decline, but I thought it might reach the Czar's ears, and, besides, my official record– "Very well, gentlemen," I said, "I'll accept the position, I'll accept. So be it. But mind," I said, "na-na-na, LOOK SHARP is the word with me, LOOK SHARP!" And so it was. When I went through the offices of my department, it was a regular earthquake, Everyone trembled and shook like a leaf.