Текст книги "Reckless"

Автор книги: Nicole Edwards

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Текущая страница: 15 (всего у книги 21 страниц)

Twenty-Seven

After a quick shower with Gannon, Cam pulled on a pair of shorts and returned to the couch, where they’d originally started out. His mind was whirling with thoughts of what they’d just done. More accurately, of how amazing that had been. Cam had never felt anything like that. Then again, he’d never felt anything like what he felt when he was with Gannon period. He knew that this was more than sex, more than a casual acquaintance combined with intense sex.

Hell, it couldn’t be casual. They’d just had sex without barriers, without a condom. Something Cam had never considered until Gannon. Definitely not casual.

No, this was…

“I’m flying to Singapore tomorrow.”

Staring blankly up at Gannon, who was standing in front of him, Cam processed what he was saying. And just like that, those few words numbed him completely.

Flying.

Singapore.

Gone.

Gone was the incredible high from making love to Gannon in a way Cam had never done before. Gone was that strange stirring in his chest that caused his heart to feel so full he thought it might burst. And gone Gannon would be tomorrow.

There was a feeling there, though. This was a tightening in his chest that cut off the oxygen to his brain. Cam felt that invisible band tighten, constricting his lungs, as he sat motionless on the couch, the container of food in his hand, fork halfway to his mouth.

He suddenly wasn’t hungry.

Slowly, he set the container on the table, placed the fork neatly beside it, and looked at the television. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Gannon again.

“I’ll be gone for a week,” Gannon explained.

Cam barely heard the words, though. His pulse was pounding in his ears. He could feel sweat trickling down by his ear, his hands were shaking, and his stomach flipped.

“Cam? Talk to me.”

He couldn’t. That deeply ingrained fear had taken root, stealing his breath and his voice. They were all symptoms of a panic attack, something that he’d battled for years and years. He’d purposely distanced himself from people whose lives revolved around travel because it was too hard for him.

Rational or not, he couldn’t stop it.

What he should’ve done was tell Gannon to be careful, to call him every day while he was gone. Let him know that Cam loved him, wanted to be with him, couldn’t wait for him to get back so they could do what they’d done a few minutes ago again and again.

Instead, he could only think about what his life would be like if Gannon never came back from this trip.

What they’d just shared … even he wasn’t naïve enough to think that was just lust and hormones. The entire time he’d been buried inside Gannon—without a fucking condom because he’d wanted to feel all of him—Cam had felt a pleasure unlike anything he’d ever known. But it had been more than that. So much more.

So, now, the thought of losing Gannon… It was more than he could bear.

He saw Gannon take a step closer. “Cam, we—”

“You should go,” Cam blurted, his heart racing, his stomach churning.

Forcing himself to look over, he felt his heart seize in his chest when he saw the devastation that transformed Gannon’s handsome features. He watched as Gannon swallowed hard, his throat working, and Cam suddenly felt sick.

But forcing Gannon away now, that wasn’t nearly as hard as losing him forever would be.

At least that was what he told himself.

“Is that what you really want?” Gannon asked, his voice rough.

“Yeah,” Cam lied. “I want you to go.”

“I’m sorry,” Gannon said, taking a step back. “I know what you’ve been through…”

“You don’t know,” Cam yelled. “You don’t fucking know what it feels like.” No one knew. “I can’t go through that again. It’s over, Gannon. We’re done.”

Gannon’s dark eyes narrowed on his face. “See,” Gannon choked out, pointing at him, fury creasing his brow, “I thought we could get past this. I just wish I’d known before…”

“Before what?” Cam snapped.

“Before I went and fucking fell in love with you.”

It was Cam’s turn to swallow hard, shock settling inside him as he watched Gannon spin away from him and go for the door. Before Cam could call him back—if he’d even wanted to—Gannon was gone, the door slamming behind him.

For the second time in his life, that devastating loss settled over him, choking him, singeing every nerve ending with horrific, overwhelming pain. And when Cam rolled onto his side, staring at the muted television, he realized he couldn’t see the screen through the blurry haze.

Because now, for the first time since that dreadful day when he’d learned his mother would never be coming home, he was crying.

Sometime later, a knock on his door had Cam bolting upright once again, wiping the moisture from his face. He waited, praying that the person on the other side of his door wasn’t Gannon. He didn’t want Gannon to see him like this.

“Cam? You okay?”

Roan.

Wiping his eyes with the heels of his hands, he took a deep breath, exhaled, and pretended he hadn’t just been crying like a fucking girl. Pretended that he wasn’t disappointed that Gannon hadn’t come back for him.

Not that he deserved it.

“Come in.”

When his best friend opened the door, glancing around slowly, Cam wondered what Roan saw. What he was looking for.

“You all right?” Roan asked again, closing the door behind him and making his way over to the couch. “I heard yelling. Then the door slam.”

“Perfect,” he choked out, hating the hoarseness of his voice.

“You sure? I saw Gannon leave a few minutes ago and he didn’t look happy.”

Cam doubted that he was, but he wasn’t going to tell Roan that. “I’m cool,” he told his friend, keeping his eyes on the television.

“What happened?”

“Nothing,” Cam lied. He didn’t want to get into this. Not now. Not ever. “It’s over between me and Gannon.”

Was it his imagination or did Roan’s body go completely still?

“Y’all broke up?”

Cam nodded as he fell into the cushions, placing his hands on his stomach. As far as Cam was concerned, no matter how much he wanted them to, things between him and Gannon wouldn’t work. He’d spent years trying to get over his fears, and no amount of talking about it had ever helped, but he’d managed to deal with it, to surround himself with people who weren’t planning to go off and leave him.

Selfish? Maybe.

Something he could change? No.

“You want me to stay?” Roan offered.

“No.” Cam just wanted to be alone.

Roan nodded, then got to his feet. “If you need anything, I’m across the hall.”

“Thanks.” Cam didn’t bother to look at his friend.

And when the door clicked shut behind Roan, Cam once again fell over onto the couch and closed his eyes. Praying for no more tears and for at least a measure of peace, because the pain in his chest was overwhelming.

When someone suffered from a broken heart, did it actually hurt?

Cam rubbed his chest. He wasn’t sure what the answer was, but based on the pains he was experiencing, he was beginning to think that was the case.

As Gannon drove back home, he fought the nausea roiling in his gut. After what had happened between him and Cam … well, Gannon felt violently ill. But he managed to keep breathing as he drove, turning the AC on full blast, but it hadn’t helped. His head was spinning, and his stomach actually hurt. Never mind the pain in his chest. If he didn’t know better, he would’ve thought he was having a heart attack.

Maybe he was in shock. That could happen, right? After all, his world had just been flipped on its axis. Fucking rainbows and glitter one minute and the next … poof! All gone.

He still wasn’t sure how it’d all happened. He hadn’t actually intended for things to work out that way. Yeah, maybe he’d taken some of Milly’s advice, but the truth was, he hadn’t expected anything to happen between him and Cam tonight. He’d been surprised when things had escalated so rapidly, but he couldn’t—wouldn’t—have stopped it. Being with Cam… For Gannon, it was the only thing that felt right at this point.

And now it was over.

Just like that.

As he was turning into his neighborhood, his phone rang. He stabbed the button to answer it, wishing it was Cam but knowing it wasn’t. “Hello?”

“Hey.” Milly’s voice was soft, concerned. Clearly she had listened to the voice mail Gannon had left her nearly an hour ago. “I’m on my way over. Are you home yet?”

“About to be,” he told her, his voice rough with the emotion clogging his throat.

“Okay. Leave the door unlocked. I’ll be there in a few.”

Gannon disconnected the call, then pressed the button to open his garage door, pulling inside faster than he should have. He slammed on the brakes to keep from going through the wall, shoved the gear in park, turned off the ignition, and dropped his head onto the steering wheel. The dry sobs tore at him, making his chest hurt, but he refused to cry because someone else had kicked him to the curb.

He should’ve known this would happen. Hell, maybe part of him had, but he’d cared so much about Cam that he’d convinced himself they could work through this.

“This can’t be happening,” he muttered, closing his eyes.

He had no idea how long he sat like that, but it must’ve been a while, because that was exactly how Milly found him. When she opened the driver’s door, he jumped.

“What’re you doing in your car?” she asked, reaching in and pulling on his arm.

Gannon didn’t say anything, forcing his stiff legs out.

“At least you had the good sense to turn off the engine and leave the garage door open.”

Well, he wasn’t suicidal. Just heartbroken.

“Come on,” she urged, closing the door and nudging him toward the house. “What the hell happened? I damn near wrecked my car when I heard your voice mail.”

Without feeling his legs, Gannon made it inside with Milly pushing him from behind. Not bothering to turn on lights, he trudged over to the sofa and flopped down. “I reminded Cam that I was going to Singapore.”

“So? We’ll be back in a week.”

“He told me to leave.”

Milly lowered herself to the cushion beside him, her expression softened. “He broke up with you?”

That was one way to look at it, yes. Gannon’s stomach lurched, and more pain erupted in his chest as he nodded.

“What a prick,” she hissed.

“He’s not a prick,” Gannon said defensively.

“In my book he is. What? Does he think you can stop the world and stop running your business just because y’all are together? That’s not how relationships work. What does he think you’re gonna do there? Did you tell him it’s work? That you have no choice?”

Gannon stared back at Milly. As much of a betrayal as it might be, telling her was the only thing he could do. He needed her support right now. Probably more than ever.

“What? Talk to me, Gan. What is it?”

Giving in, Gannon relayed the harsh details to her, watching her eyes widen as he explained how Cam’s mother had been away on a business trip when she’d died.

“Oh, the poor guy.”

“I thought he was a prick?” Gannon mused, sitting up and putting his elbows on his knees.

“So you asked him about his mother?”

“No. He told me.”

“Did you tell him about your parents?”

That was the worst part of it all. Gannon had told Cam about how he’d been disowned by his parents, kicked to the curb because he couldn’t live up to their expectations, wasn’t who they wanted him to be. Much in the same way Cam had kicked him out tonight. But still, here he was.

“Yeah,” he admitted.

“What a prick,” she muttered.

Gannon’s lips tried to turn up into a smile, but halfway there, they gave out.

“Don’t move,” Milly said, patting his knee. “I’ll get you a drink.”

He didn’t need a drink, but he didn’t say as much. He needed a new heart, for someone to take the broken one out of his chest and replace it with one that was a hell of a lot less fragile. Indestructible would be nice.

Milly returned a few minutes later with a tumbler of scotch. “Have you packed?”

Yeah, he’d packed. He was all set for their flight out tomorrow morning.

Physically, anyway.

Mentally, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to go.

Twenty-Eight

The next morning, Cam found himself standing on the dock just before sunrise. He hadn’t slept for shit, tossing and turning, waking up from a nightmare that reminded him so much of the day the cops had shown up to tell Cam’s father that Cam’s mother wouldn’t be coming home ever again.

Only, in his dream, the cops had come to talk to him. And the person they’d said wouldn’t be coming home was Gannon.

“Hey, man. What’s kickin’?”

Cam glanced over to see Dare approaching, his feet bare, ball cap on backwards, wearing a white tank top and shorts. He looked as though he didn’t have a care in the world, and Cam envied him.

Turning his attention back to the water, Cam sipped from his coffee cup.

“Did Gannon leave for Singapore today?”

Cam nodded, the coffee burning down his throat, feeling like acid as it settled in his stomach. He wasn’t sure how Dare knew that Gannon was leaving, but he didn’t have it in him to ask. Maybe he’d said something, maybe Gannon had. Who knew? Who cared? The fact of the matter was, Gannon was on a plane to Singapore.

Dare came to stand beside him, hands in his pockets as he stared out at the water.

“He’s gonna be fine, you know.”

No, Cam didn’t know, but he appreciated the sentiment. It was what he’d expected last night from Roan, but Cam got the impression Roan had actually been relieved that he’d broken up with Gannon. When he hadn’t been thinking about Gannon, worrying that he would be found dead in some hotel room, worried that he would never, ever get over the man he’d fallen in love with, Cam had tried to figure out why Roan wouldn’t have been more supportive.

“I broke up with him,” Cam muttered.

“What?” Dare turned toward him, adjusting his ball cap as he stared at Cam, frowning. “Are you fucking crazy?”

Yeah, he was pretty sure he was.

“Dude, seriously,” Dare huffed. “Please don’t tell me you sent him packing because you’re scared.”

Cam glared at his friend.

“What? Someone has to call you on this shit, bro. I could rub your ass and make you feel better, but that won’t help. Roan’s been doing that for too long.”

Cam frowned. Rub his ass?

“I’m just sayin’,” Dare continued. “I only want you to be happy, and to be honest, Gannon’s the best thing that’s happened to you in a long damn time. Sure, he’s a nerd”—Dare raised his hands in his I surrender move when Cam narrowed his eyes—“but that seems to work for him. And you…”

“What about me?” Cam asked.

“You’re different when you’re with him. Not quite so … reckless.”

“And that’s a good thing?”

“I didn’t say it was good or bad. But seriously, bro, you’re willin’ to bungee jump off the Macau Tower, but you can’t take a fucking leap and fall in love with some guy who obviously makes you feel more alive than any of that crazy shit you do.”

“Whatever.” The way Dare made it sound, Cam was using his fear as an excuse. He was not using this as an excuse. The panic attack was proof.

“Last I checked, there was like a one in fifteen million chance that you’ll die in a plane crash. Now, I don’t have a clue what the statistic is for … you know … but I do know that the chances are slim. How many times has Gannon gone to Singapore?”

Cam shrugged. He didn’t know. Hadn’t bothered to ask.

“Well, I’m sure it’s more than this one time. And he’s come back every time. Wasn’t he in Cali a couple of weeks ago?”

Cam didn’t answer. He didn’t like where Dare was going with this.

“Man, I love you and all, but seriously. You’re your own worst enemy. Give the guy a chance.”

“Why didn’t Roan give me this encouragement?” he mused aloud.

“Are you fucking serious?” Dare’s voice was low. “The guy can’t see past his own love for you.”

“What?” Cam froze, turning to look at Dare. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Ah, hell. I forgot. You can’t see it, either. He’s so fucking in love with you—or at least he thinks he is—it’s awkward to be in the same room with the two of you together.”

Cam had no idea what Dare was talking about. Roan wasn’t in love with him. That was fucking absurd. “Bullshit.”

“Call it what you want,” Dare said with a shrug. “I call it as I see it.”

Cam turned away, his mind spinning with all the information Dare had just thrown at him.

“Well,” Dare said, clicking his tongue, “it’s been romantic as hell watchin’ the sun rise with you and all, but quite frankly, you’re just not my type. I’ll see you in the office later. Cool?”

Cam nodded, not bothering to watch Dare as he walked away.

Roan was in love with him?

There was no way that was true. He would’ve realized it, wouldn’t he? They’d been friends for… Christ. They’d been friends for twenty-five years. Ever since they were seven years old. Never once in all that time had he gotten the impression Roan felt anything for him.

Not that it mattered. Cam didn’t have those feelings for Roan. No, he couldn’t imagine his life without the guy, but he also couldn’t imagine… A chill raced down his spine as he thought about kissing Roan. It would be like kissing his brother.

Not cool.

As he stood there, trying to assemble all of his jumbled thoughts, his phone vibrated in his pocket. Retrieving it, he checked the screen to see a text message. Well, more like a text novel.

This is Milly. Remember me? We’re on the plane getting ready to leave Austin. I’ve spent the last few hours thinking about what I wanted to say to you. And though I think you’re being a douche, I kinda get it. I don’t approve, but I get it. But that’s not why I’m texting you. I’m sending you this because it’s the first of many you’ll get from me for the next week. I’m gonna walk you through this. I’m gonna show you that Gannon’s okay. If I have to send you a million texts a day just to get through that thick skull of yours, I will. Because he’s my friend and what you did to him last night… You broke his heart, which is not cool. Now, you can’t tell him I told you that cuz he’ll kill me, but still, it’s true. So, be expecting me to blow up your phone. And I want you to do me a huge favor while we’re gone. Think about Gannon. Think about what you have with him. Because if you let him walk out of your life, you’re not only a douche, but you’re also stupid. TTYL.

Cam stared at his phone for long minutes, rereading the text message again and again. He was running through it again when another message came in.

Oh, and it’d be really awesome if you’d respond so I know you got this.

Unable to hold back, Cam smiled. This woman… She was something else. She was the female version of Dare. That’s what she was.

Thumbing the buttons on the screen, Cam responded with: I heard you. Loud and clear.

Good. Now quit being a douche.

Dropping his phone into his pocket, Cam turned to stare out at the water again. The tightness in his chest was still there, but he felt a measure of relief. Whether it was Dare’s not-so-subtle way of putting him in his place or Milly’s … one way or another, his eyes were open this morning.

And he was seeing things he hadn’t seen before.

Not that he knew what exactly that meant yet.

Planes weren’t her thing, but Milly had learned to get over that fear. Having worked for Gannon for ten years, she’d done it enough times at this point. It seemed they were going one place or another every other week. Usually at this point, she would’ve been meditating while the crew members prepared for take off.

But for this trip, she had other things to worry about.

Like the fact that her best friend was moping around as though someone had run over his dog.

Poor Gannon.

She did feel bad for him. Which was why she’d sent the text to Cam. The idea had come to her last night after she’d forced Gannon to go to bed and made herself at home in his guest room. As she was lying there, trying to figure out how she could fix this, or at least try, it’d hit her. So, she’d snuck back downstairs, found Gannon’s phone, broken into it using the password he didn’t think she knew—seriously, the code was her birthday, how could she not know?—and jotted down Cam’s number.

Being Gannon’s friend, it was her responsibility to take matters into her own hands when he was too upset to do so. And since Cam was obviously in no shape to figure this out on his own, Milly was helping him, too.

“Would you like something to drink before we take off?” the first-class attendant asked her, leaning in and smiling.

Milly glanced at Gannon. He shook his head. “We’re good for now, thanks.”

When the woman moved to the people on the other side of the aisle, Milly turned her phone so that the camera faced Gannon, then hit the button to take a picture.

“What are you doing?” Gannon asked, frowning over at her.

Milly smiled. “Nothing.”

A few seconds later, she’d sent the picture to Cam with the caption: I think the frown is permanent.

She wasn’t above making Cam feel bad for what he’d done. Sure, she felt some sympathy for him. What he’d gone through couldn’t have been easy. Gannon had filled her in on the sad details after he’d had a couple of drinks, and the more he’d talked, the more upset she’d gotten.

But still, these two men were meant to be together. Milly had known Gannon for a long time, and not once in all those years had she ever seen him as happy, as carefree as he’d been for the past few weeks. Cam had lit something inside him, and Milly hated to see that flame die because these two stubborn men were too blind to see it.

So, when she’d woken up that morning, she’d made a vow to do something to help them both. Sure, Gannon would probably be a little peeved when he found out she’d interfered, but if it helped them to see what they’d be losing by giving up at this point, then it would be totally worth it.