Текст книги "Attack of the BULLIES"

Автор книги: Michael Buckley

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Текущая страница: 12 (всего у книги 14 страниц)

TOP SECRET DOSSIER

CODE NAME: DUDEBOT

REAL NAME: 45X ATTACK DROID

ACTIVE: 1987

CURRENT OCCUPATION: DEACTIVATED

HISTORY: 45X WAS THE CREATION OF THE

EVIL MASTERMIND HENRY SINISTER. IT

MALFUNCTIONED DURING A BATTLE WITH

THE NERDS IN 1987. WHILE ATTEMPTING

TO REACTIVATE ITS MEMORY BANK,

AGENT BOOKWORM SPILLED A BOTTLE

OF HAWAIIAN PUNCH INTO ITS CIRCUITS

AND THE FORMER KILLER ROBOT BECAME

DUDEBOT, THE PARTY DROID. DUDEBOT

LOVED ALL THINGS SUN, SURF, AND

SIESTA AND WAS KNOWN FOR LISTENING

TO JIMMY BUFFETT RECORDS NONSTOP.

THAT, COUPLED WITH HIS ENDLESS USE

OF “DUDE,” “BRO,” AND “PARTY ON!”

EVENTUALLY ANNOYED HIS

TEAMMATES, WHO DEACTIVATED

HIM WITH A BASEBALL BAT.

UPGRADE: OTHER THAN HIS ABILITY

TO ANNOY PEOPLE WITH HIS STUPID

CATCHPHRASES AND SINGING OF

THE SONG “CHEESEBURGER IN

PARADISE,” DUDEBOT HAD

NO REAL POWERS.

Ruby watched as the BULLIES retreated. Luckily, they’d backed off just as the NERDS were about to lose the fight. Her team from 1977 hooted and hollered. They had their first mission under their belts. She found Heathcliff in the crowd, and together they located Agent Brand, who was lying on the ground, unconscious. The children shook him until his eyes opened and then helped him to his feet.

“That woman’s got a serious left hook,” he said, rubbing his temple.

“She knocked you out again? This is starting to become a habit,” Ruby said.

Brand frowned. “Where’d they go?”

“I have a bad feeling she went there,” Heathcliff said, pointing toward their time machine.

“That’s not good!” Ruby shouted as she tore off toward the pit. The NERDS and Heathcliff sprinted after her.

“I’m sorry,” Rupert cried. “Those weirdos just got up and ran off. I thought they were trying to save themselves from more butt-kicking. I didn’t think they were going to use our time machine.”

“It’s not your fault. You guys did a great job,” Brand said.

“Where do you think they went?” Ruby asked as Heathcliff pressed buttons on the control panel.

“According to the log they went to some beach on Long Island,” Heathcliff said.

Ruby grabbed him by the collar. “What day?”

“June 14, 1996.”

Ruby felt like someone had just sucker punched her in the gut. “That’s the day my parents got married! She’s going to try and stop the wedding.”

“Let’s go,” Brand said. He snatched the controls from Heathcliff, pressed some buttons, and leaped into the pit. A second later he was gone.

“We’ll go with you, too,” Rupert said.

“No,” Ruby said. “If they beat us, they’ll come for you next. Go back to your time and get ready for her to show up. If she stops you, the NERDS will never happen.”

“Do you think we’re ready?” Static Cling asked.

Ruby nodded. “More than ready.”

Heathcliff climbed into the pit. “Pretty awesome to meet you,” he said to the NERDS, then sank below the balls. Ruby was next.

“Good luck,” Rupert said.

“You too,” Ruby said as she vanished from 1987.

She found Heathcliff and Agent Brand waiting for her on a wooden dock that looked out over a bay. There was a small receiving building, a tiny fire station, and a playground in the distance. A couple kids on bicycles raced each other, and the sky was a dark gray with low-hanging clouds threatening rain.

“Have you seen them?” she asked.

Brand shook his head. “No sign of them at all.”

Heathcliff turned to one of the kids on a bike. “Hey, did you see a woman in a skull mask and four kids come past here?”

The kid screeched to a halt. “Hard to miss! They were headed for the beach.”

He pointed down a pathway in between some cottages and dense patches of trees.

“C’mon,” Ruby said, rushing down the path, which was nothing more than wooden planks stuck in the sand. The houses that lined the boardwalk were quaint summer rentals with names like Ferryport Landing and Land Ho! Her parents often talked about Fair Harbor. It was one of her family’s favorite vacation places. Her home was lined with pictures of them on the beach, building drip castles, and eating lactose-free ice cream cones.

The island was less than three-quarters of a mile wide so Ruby, Heathcliff, and Brand soon arrived at a sandy beach. The salty Atlantic air pinched Ruby’s nose and the crash of the surf filled her ears. Not more than ten yards away stood her mother and father, both young, and wildly in love. Sarah wore a long lacy white dress and had flowers in her hair. Her father was in an old-fashioned three-button suit and had his pant legs rolled up to his knees. Neither of them wore shoes. They were surrounded by family. She spotted Grandpa Saul, Aunt Laura, Uncle Eddie, Uncle Jeff, and the rest. There were no chairs, so they gathered around the happy couple while a man in a white suit read passages from a book titled The Velveteen Rabbit. Oddly enough, no one was arguing. In fact, she saw smiles on all of their faces. Her big, chaotic, bickering family was actually getting along.

“Where is she?” Heathcliff whispered.

“I have no idea,” Brand said.

“What’s the plan?” Heathcliff asked.

“Let’s mingle,” Ruby said. “If the BULLIES attack, at least we’ll be where the action is.”

The trio crept onto the beach and joined the crowd, smiling at people and acting as if they belonged.

“Sarah Kaplan, do you, before friends and family, give yourself to this man, Francis Peet, to be his lawfully wedded wife as witnessed by this gathering and heaven above?”

Sarah’s smile was blinding. “I do.”

“Francis Peet, do you, before friends and family, give yourself to this woman, Sarah Kaplan, to be her lawfully wedded husband as witnessed by this gathering and heaven above?”

Francis nodded. “I do.”

“And now by the powers vested in me, I declare this man and this woman lawfully—”

“Now, now, let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” said a voice from behind the group. Ruby’s heart sank. It was Miss Information.

Everyone turned to see who had caused the ruckus, and a collective gasp erupted from the crowd when they saw her mask and gang of misfits. The scarecrow in the tuxedo didn’t help, either.

“Isn’t there supposed to be a part where you ask if anyone objects?” Miss Information said. “’Cause I really do object.”

“Listen, lady, this is a private function,” Grandma Rose said. “So why don’t you take it down the beach?”

“Yeah, what kind of lunatic just walks up to a wedding and causes trouble?” Aunt Suzi shouted.

“Are you crazy?” Uncle Kevin cried.

“I’M NOT CRAZY!” Miss Information roared.

Ruby, Brand, and Heathcliff stepped forward.

“These people are innocent,” Ruby said, looking straight at Miss Information. “I’m not going to let you hurt them.”

“Hey, kid, thanks for the help, but we don’t need it. No one messes with the Peet family,” Uncle Eddie shouted. “We’re from Boston!”

“Or the Kaplans,” Grandma Tina cried, “representing Long Island!”

“Your feeble posturing doesn’t impress me, folks,” Miss Information said. “Unless you people want to get hurt, I suggest you call this wedding off and go home.”

“Get her!” Grandpa Saul shouted.

Much to Ruby’s surprise, the entire wedding party rushed at Miss Information and the goons. They tossed full bottles of wine and swatted at the intruders with umbrellas. Grandma Rose beat Snot Rocket with one of her shoes. Uncle Jeff shoved a bouquet of flowers into Funk’s mouth. Miss Information backed toward the surf, dodging flying plates and trays of cookies.

“Do you think you can come here and cause trouble and get away with it?” Aunt Delynn shouted.

Just when things couldn’t get worse for the thugs, the sky opened up and rain fell down in sheets, soaking everyone but not quenching the family’s anger. In the storm, the villains stumbled back. Thor slipped and fell in the wet sand.

“Well, I have to admit, I didn’t see this coming,” Ruby said as she stood back and watched the mob attack their enemy.

“I don’t know who the world has to fear more: Miss Information or your family,” Heathcliff said.

Miss Information tried to dodge a flying purse. As she struggled to stay upright, she accidentally dropped Alex, and the waves dragged the scarecrow out to sea.

“Alex!” she cried. “Don’t leave me! What use is ruling the world without the man I love by my side?”

The strange dummy sank beneath the water and disappeared.

Snot Rocket whined, “I can’t see a foot in front of me.”

Aunt Laura hit him with a bouquet of flowers, followed by an enthusiastic punch.

“What are we doing here?” Funk asked Miss Information. “Are you just sending us from one time to the next so we can feel what it’s like to get beaten up in different eras?”

Thor grunted angrily.

“You ungrateful little toads!” Miss Information said, fighting off Grandma Tina. “I turned you kids into gods, and you haven’t stopped boohooing for a second. When we get back, you’re all going into the tiger cage.”

“Then I quit!” Loudmouth shouted, and without a word she jumped into the ball pit and vanished.

Ruby was soaked, and her wet, poofy hair fell into her eyes. “Heathcliff, I can’t see a thing. What’s happening?”

“They’re all abandoning her,” Brand replied. “I just saw Snot Rocket and Funk use the time machine. Heathcliff, you need to stop them. Ruby and I will stay here and stop Lisa.”

“Um, reminder here! I don’t have any powers,” Heathcliff cried.

“But you’re one of us,” Ruby said. “Do the best you can!”

Heathcliff took a moment to muster all his courage, and then he sprinted through the mob and leaped into the ball pit.

Miss Information stood her ground. “Benjy, how about a hand?” she shouted.

“I’m afraid I do not have hands,” Benjy said. “But I will do my best.”

The little orb darted into action, floating above the crowd and firing tiny blasts of electricity at everyone.

“Why would she do this?” Sarah cried into Francis’s arms. “She ruined everything.”

“No, she hasn’t,” Ruby said to her mother. “If you want to be in this family, you have to have an appetite for chaos.”

Francis laughed. “You know—she’s right.”

Sarah grinned. “I’m sorry, but do we know you?”

“Not yet,” Ruby said.

“C’mon,” Brand shouted. He raced into the crowd and Ruby followed. She watched as he got beneath the robot orb Miss Information called Benjy. He swung his cane at it, attracting two nasty bolts of electricity just before he connected. When it fell into the sand, he stomped on it, cracking it into three pieces. The purple light faded.

“Nice shot, boss,” Ruby said.

“Yeah, did you ever play any baseball?”

Ruby turned to see who owned the voice and found Jackson, Matilda, Flinch, and Duncan standing behind her.

“You’re back!” she said, pulling them all into a group hug.

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about, but I’m pretty sure this hug is weird,” Matilda said.

“We’ll explain later,” Brand said. He pointed at Miss Information, who was crawling into the ball pit and disappearing. “She’s given up on you, Ruby, but she’s off to cause trouble somewhere else.”

“We’ve got to go after her,” Matilda said. “It feels like I haven’t socked someone in the jaw in like forever.”

“No. Heathcliff needs you. Figure out where he went and stop the BULLIES,” Brand commanded as he walked to the pit. “I’ll go after her.”

“But—” Ruby said.

“That’s an order,” Brand said as he climbed into the time machine. A moment later he was gone.

“What are we doing back here?” Funk asked as Snot Rocket led them through the empty corridors of Miss Information’s lair.

“It’s a week before we first left the time stream. The boss abandoned us, Tessa betrayed us, and I’m tired of getting my butt kicked by a bunch of nerds. If they come looking for us, they’re going to regret it,” Snot Rocket cried.

When they got to the upgrade room, he pressed the button to open the door and dragged the others inside with him. A moment later, the door closed and a bank of laser lights scanned their bodies.

“Didn’t we already do this?” Loudmouth cried. “It hurt like the dickens.”

“We’re doing it again. If it made us strong the first time, imagine what it will do to us when we go back for seconds,” Snot Rocket said. “We’ll be unstoppable.”

“SCANNING FOR STRENGTHS,” an electronic voice said. “ENHANCEMENTS AVAILABLE INITIATE UPGRADE?”

“Do your worst!” Funk shouted.

The needles and tubes dropped down around them.

Heathcliff emerged from the ball pit inside Miss Information’s lair. He figured by now there must be ball pits all over the timeline. He’d have to remember to deactivate them all when he returned to his original time. If he returned. He hoped Ruby and Brand would come find him when they were finished with their timeline. It would be no fun living a life where he was a week behind himself.

He heard the BULLIES’ footsteps echoing down a hall and so he followed them, catching up just as they entered the upgrade room. The metal door closed tight, sealing them inside. He shuddered at what he knew was coming next. Upgrade rooms granted incredible powers. No one, however, had ever gotten a double dose of nanobytes. He dreaded finding out how it would change the BULLIES. He also knew there was nothing he could do to stop them. The door was locked, and even shutting off the power wouldn’t stop the upgrade process.

So he waited, and tried to come up with a plan. How was he, the shrimpiest of the agents, with zero powers, going to stop four hulking freaks? And then it dawned on him. If Miss Information’s secret lair was just like the Playground, there had to be gadgets in the science lab. He dashed through the halls, past the control room, and into the science center. Racing up and down, he eyed one dangerous-looking contraption after another.

He grabbed what looked like a laser gun from a low-budget space movie. He had no idea what it did, so he aimed it at the wall and fired. A second later everything in the laser’s path was encased in a thick layer of ice.

“This could come in handy,” he said, taking off his backpack and unzipping it. He planned on stuffing it with the laser and anything else that would fit inside, but his eye caught something silver.

Benjamin! He would know what to do. The orb had been the greatest ally the NERDS ever had.

Carefully, Heathcliff laid out the pieces of the broken orb. Then he got to work. It wasn’t long before the charred copper wires were gone and fresh ones had taken their place. He double-checked his work, not wanting to repeat the tragedy of his last attempt. Then, he snapped the two sides together and pressed the on button.

As before, the ball glowed red before it turned blue. Spinning around on the table, it clicked and beeped, finally rising upward until it was inches from Heathcliff’s face.

“Benjamin?”

“Heathcliff Hodges,” it replied. There was something tentative in its voice. “I’m having some difficulty accessing my satellite link. I need to reboot for time and date and hop onto the data stream—”

“Don’t do anything unnecessary, Benjamin,” Heathcliff said. “We could mess up your internal programming. We’ve gone back in time.”

“I see …,” the robot said with even more hesitation.

“I’m so happy you’re back! You were damaged by Ms. Holiday,” he said. “I’ll explain more later, but right now we have a bigger problem. There are a bunch of thugs inside an upgrade room and they’re getting a massive dose of nanobytes. I have no idea how to stop them. I’m powerless and—”

Suddenly, Benjamin was zipping around Heathcliff’s head like an angry hornet. “I suppose this is part of another one of your diabolical schemes.”

“No, I—”

“You might be able to fool the others, but I’ve been around a long time, kid.”

Heathcliff’s heart sank. “What did I do?”

“Huh?”

“I have no memories of the year and a half before I woke up in the Playground. No one will tell me anything. I know it’s bad, Benjamin, but I have a right to know.”

The orb spun around and clicked. “Heathcliff, is this some kind of trick?”

Heathcliff shook his head. “The last thing I remember was Jackson joining the team. You know what happened, don’t you?”

“An analysis of your heartbeat indicates that you are telling the truth.”

Heathcliff wiped away tears and nodded his head. “I am.”

“Are you sure you want to know?”

Heathcliff nodded.

“Very well,” the orb said as light shot out and swirled around Heathcliff in a three-dimensional projection.

He saw himself putting on a black mask with a white skull—exactly like the one Ms. Holiday was now wearing. He saw a machine on a patch of ice at the North Pole. He saw it rising up into the sky, creating a monstrous mountain. He saw himself falling into the water. He saw himself running through the streets of Washington followed by an army of squirrels. He saw himself threatening a large fat man who later transformed himself into a living machine. Then he saw himself in group therapy with several other costumed people. He saw himself blackmail Ruby when she came to him for help. He saw himself stepping into another world and sitting in an upgrade chair and turning himself into an enormous head—a freakish monster that could wipe away the world with a single thought. Then he saw himself sedated and unconscious, attached to tubes, as Flinch shrank himself so he could be injected into Heathcliff’s brain. He saw the horror. He saw the fear. He saw the chaos. He saw the insanity.

The projection stopped, but his head was ablaze. Every moment, feeling, and dark plan of the last year and a half wrestled for his immediate attention. It was too much. He screamed out in pain.

He must have passed out because he woke on the floor with Benjamin’s voice asking if he was OK. He stood up, dusted off his clothes, and ran a tongue over the false teeth that had been inserted where his real teeth once were.

“I’m great, Benjamin. I actually feel like my old self again.”

He snatched the ball in midair and raced out of the room, down the hall, toward the exit tubes.

“Heathcliff, I’m sensing disturbing sounds coming from this place’s upgrade room. Shouldn’t we investigate?”

“There’s no time,” he said.

“Why?”

“Because, you stupid wad of aluminum foil, I’m going to take over the world!” he cried.

Heathcliff floated down the entrance tube and landed on the floor of the deserted Playground. Because he’d arrived a week in the past to follow the BULLIES, the Playground hadn’t been destroyed yet.

Benjamin squirmed in his hand but could not break free from his grip. “Heathcliff, don’t do this,” the orb begged. “Don’t abuse your team’s trust again.”

Heathcliff ignored the plea and marched to the upgrade room. Once inside, he activated the process while his mind lit up with possibilities. What kind of power would he have this time, and how would it be useful for taking over the world? Would it help him seek revenge on the people he once called friends—the ones who had lied to him for months?

“SCANNING FOR WEAKNESSES.”

The lasers danced over him. The psychic powers he had before had been delicious. If only he could get them once more. He wouldn’t mind the hypnotic teeth, either. Those were cool.

“SUBJECT HAS SUPERIOR INTELLECT AND IS IN GOOD PHYSICAL HEALTH CONSIDERING COMPLETE LACK OF EXERCISE,” the computer said.

“What’s wrong? Don’t tell me I am perfect! You have to find something, no matter how small.”

“WEAKNESS DETECTED,” the computer said. “PREPARE FOR UPGRADE.”

Tubes and needles dropped from the ceiling and hovered above his body. A platform rose below him and forced him flat on his back. A second later his arms and legs were strapped down.

“What is it? What’s my weakness?”

“SUBJECT NEEDS HIS PARENTS,” the machine said.

“What?”

“ONLY PARENTS CAN STEER YOU TOWARD A HAPPY LIFE UPGRADING NOW.”

“How is that going to help me take over the world?” he shouted, but the machine did not respond.

The needles injected him with nanobytes and he winced in pain. “Benjamin! Get me out of this,” he begged.

“Sorry, Hodges. But if it makes you feel any better, I would have thought you needed a spanking,” Benjamin said.

Heathcliff watched as the tiny black robots swirled down a tube and into a needle inserted in his hand. And then everything went black.

“You’re alone, Hodges,” a voice said to Heathcliff. He was standing in complete darkness and couldn’t even see his hand in front of his face. “Always alone. Who do you think is to blame?”

Heathcliff snarled. “I don’t need a lecture.”

“There is no one in the world who needs a lecture more than you. Look around. You have no family. No friends. How did this happen?”

“Go away!”

“It was your anger. You might have been someone great, but you squandered it on rage.”

“Blah! Blah! Blah!”

Suddenly, Heathcliff found himself seated in a movie theater and the screen was alight with images of his future. He was happy. He was married with a little boy of his own, and he was teaching him about science and his favorite comic book characters. He had a great job, helping people at a laboratory that made medicine, and every night he went home, had dinner with his family, and laughed.

The movie stopped, and when the lights came on he was surprised to see himself sitting next to him, and even more surprised to see that it was a version of him with his old enormous buckteeth.

“You gave that up,” the figure said. “You can’t blame the bullies for what has happened. You can’t blame Jackson Jones. You decided on this path. Does it make you happy?”

Heathcliff turned to his double. “No, it doesn’t but what can I do? I’m evil.”

“You stop.”

“Just stop?”

The boy nodded.

“Just stop. You have more important things to do, you know. It’s time to use that big brain for something good. Go save the world.”

Heathcliff woke with a gasp. Benjamin was hovering over him, zipping and shaking.

“If you move, I’ll blast you, kid,” he chirped.

“Want to help me save the world?”

Benjamin spun around but said nothing for a long moment. “Seriously?”

“C’mon!” Heathcliff cried. He darted out of the upgrade room. He raced down the hall and into the control center. “Benjamin, I need to see what our BULLIES are up to.”

A huge screen dropped from above and blinked to life. A TV news anchor stood in front of the school while the BULLIES—each one of them nearly three stories tall, attacked the building. Whatever they had done in the upgrade room had turned them into giants.

“OK, that’s not good,” he said. “All right, think. I’m the only member of the team in this time stream and my upgrades … no upgrades. There are four monsters attacking our school. Any suggestions?”

“We need more agents,” Benjamin said. “Should we call in some veterans?”

Heathcliff shook his head. “It would take them too long to get here and most of them are too old for the upgrade chair. What I need are some new recruits. But where …” He looked upward.

“Heathcliff?” Benjamin said with more than a little worry in his robotic voice, but Heathcliff was already racing toward the exit tubes.

He slammed a button on the podium and a second later he and Benjamin were sucked up into the lockers of Thomas Knowlton Middle School. Heathcliff blasted through the tiny door and into an empty hallway.

“Where is everybody?”

“My sensors are detecting a rather pungent smell,” Benjamin said.

“It’s called lunch,” Heathcliff said.

He ran down the hall and shoved open the double doors that led to the school cafeteria. His arrival was so loud that everyone turned to him.

“My name is Heathcliff Hodges and I’m a spy. Who wants superpowers?”

The kids looked at him as if he were one flapjack short of a stack.

“A little help here, Benjamin?” he begged.

The robot zipped around the room projecting images of Flinch, Pufferfish, Braceface, Gluestick, Wheezer, and Choppers fighting bad guys. “He’s telling the truth.”

All at once, every kid in the school jumped out of their seat and collectively shouted, “I do!”

“Follow me!” Heathcliff cried.

He ran back down the hall and threw his locker door open, shoving kids in one by one.

“Just to be clear, I think this is a terrible idea,” Benjamin said.

Heathcliff smiled. “Benjamin, this is the best idea I have ever had.”