Текст книги "Forgive Us Our Trespasses"

Автор книги: M. L. Steinbrunn

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Текущая страница: 11 (всего у книги 20 страниц)

Vivian

We find the crucial items that apparently all four and six-year-olds need to start school, we load our children into our cars, and agree to meet at the playground nearby to let the kids play. However, I can’t seem to put the car in drive.

As we walked up and down the aisles of the store hand-in-hand, I felt safe again. Every time he would let his thumb lightly feather across my knuckles, my stomach would flutter, making me want to let go of all my hesitations. I’ve had a week to settle myself with the grenade of information that Jen had thrown at me, and I’m still not sure if I want to run or tighten my grip.

Brooks had been the first one I ever let my walls down for. But once I let him into the fortress of my heart, not only did he invade it, but he burned it to the ground. I’m reluctant to believe that we can rise above the ashes and trust each other again. Even though I know he never cheated on me, he lied, and the betrayal feels the same. I just wish he had trusted me back then with the secret he was hiding. More than anything, I worry that if faced with similar circumstances, he would run again. How many lies would he tell before he would face the truth?

“Mom, they are going to beat us there; let’s go!” Blake shouts from the backseat, snapping me out of my daydream.

“Sorry, sweetie, I was just thinking about how nice Brooks and Grace were to help us out today,” I say, shifting the car into gear and sliding out of our parking space.

“I like Grace a lot; she was so funny. Can she maybe stay over?” Emma asks while she insistently zips and unzips her new backpack. Of course, Hello Kitty just like Grace’s.

I think about that question for a minute, letting my mind wonder where it probably shouldn’t in terms of adult sleepovers, before stumbling through an answer. “Um, baby, I’m not sure Brooks would be okay letting Grace spend the night; we just met her. But maybe once we get to know them a little better.”

“I think Brooks likes you, Momma,” Em says, completely changing the subject.

“Yeah, he kept holding your hand and smiling at you the way Dad used to,” Blake adds.

His comment makes me pause again, but instead of thinking about alone-time with a very sexy man, I’m thinking about Will and what we lost, how having someone new in my life–whether it’s Brooks or not–impacts my children, and how every man will always be compared to their father.

My throat tenses, and I struggle to take a deep breath to get myself under control before I answer them. “Oh, guys, Brooks and I used to be very good friends,” I say, swallowing my grief. I pull the car over on a side street, and turn around to face them in the backseat.

“Brooks is my friend, and it’s okay for you to be friends with both him and Grace, too. No matter who we let on the team, guys, no one will ever replace your daddy. He loved you, and you loved him; nothing will ever change that, all right?”

I grab both of their hands and give them a little reassuring squeeze. Both of them smile and nod; their acceptance and innocence astounds me.

I turn back around, and we make it to the park quickly. As they predicted, Brooks and Grace are already there. Grace is on the swings and when I park, both kids jump out and race over to her.

“Push us, please, Brooks?” Emma asks.

“Yeah, an underdog,” Blake adds as they each climb onto a swing.

Obliging the trio, Brooks takes turns pushing them until they are flying high, all of them shrieking with excitement. “Okay, guys, give him a break. Go play while Brooks and I sit over on the bench and watch.”

He leaves the whining children, agreeing to push them more after his rest. He follows me to the bench on the edge of the playground and sits next to me. After my conversation with Jen, I knew at some point I would have to really talk to Brooks. Now that the moment is here, though, I’m overwhelmed with a nervous feeling for where the conversation could lead.

“Before you say anything, Brooks, I have a few things I need to get off my chest,” I say, fighting back the fear and deciding to dive right in. “I spoke with Jen after the reunion, and she told me everything.”

Brooks’ head snaps up, his eyes locking on mine. I see the fear settling in them. He starts to speak, but I cover his mouth with my fingertips. “No, let me finish; I need to say this.”

He closes his eyes, his scowl deepening, and his worry showing through. He nods, and I begin to take my hand away, but he opens his eyes and catches my wrist, bringing my palm to his lips. Letting a soft kiss linger on my skin, I feel goose bumps pour across my body. He then entwines our fingers and lays them on his thigh.

I take a deep breath, attempting to compose myself. “Please, I need you to hear this.”

“I’m listening, Viv. Even if what you have to say fucking guts me, I’m going to listen.”

“Ten years ago, I loved you with everything that I was. I didn’t think that I was capable of feeling that, but I felt it for you. When I thought that you cheated, I let myself believe that you didn’t want me, that I wasn’t good enough, and that my love wasn’t enough for you. I was so angry for so long, and Will helped me fix the heart that you broke.”

Brooks drops his head in defeat and crushes my hand between his, like he’s gearing up for the fatal blow. I pull my hand out of his and cup his face, drawing his eyes back up to mine.

“I never thought that I would say this to you, but I’m sorry.” Bewilderment overtakes him. “I’m sorry that you couldn’t trust me with whatever you were running from back then, that you felt like your only option was to push me away to protect me. I now understand that that’s what you were doing.”

“The things I said to you at the reunion was me being angry at the idea of you choosing someone else over me. Even after knowing the truth, I still had the bitterness that I choke on every time I think about your lies. I know that I want you in my life–in what capacity–I don’t know, but now that you’re here, I can’t let you just walk away again.” I take a deep breath, releasing all the tension that had built within me. The heaviness in my shoulders finally begins to lessen.

“Is it my turn?” he asks with a smile. I can only answer with a nod.

“Anything that I ever did was to shelter you, even when I hurt you. I thought I was doing the best for you. What I was going through would have damaged you, and I couldn’t let that happen, even if it meant that you had to hate me.”

He grabs a piece of hair that has fallen across my face and tucks it behind my ear, then rubs his knuckles down my check. “Viv, my issue back then is no longer a part of my life, and I’m not in the same place that I was then. I’m not the same scared kid who runs; I’m a man who will stay put and stand by you.”

“So what do we do now?” I ask.

“I’m not asking you to pretend like nothing ever happened. I know that I have to earn your trust and your love again, but fuck, Red, all I want is a chance to win you back. I don’t mind if it takes every day for the rest of my life to make you believe in me, because after having a taste of what my family could be, I can’t ever let you go again.

“Okay,” I mutter.

Seeing that as a green light, Brooks runs his hands into my hair, whispering, “Thank God,” before pulling me to him and crushing my lips to his. Electricity shoots through my body. Every bit of emotion that I once had for this man surges through me. I feel like I’m losing myself in him all over again.

Just as our kiss deepens, I hear laughter, followed by a collective, “Ewww, that’s gross.”

We pull away from each other, a Cheshire grin adorning Brooks’ face, while I can feel the heat of embarrassment on mine. I quickly right myself to attend to our miniature audience.

“What do you guys say we go get ice cream together before we all have to go home and get dinner going?”

Cheers and shrieks fill the air, making me giggle.

“I think that’s a yes,” Brooks says as he stands, pulling me with him and tucking me into his side. “Come on, we can all ride together in my car, and I’ll bring you guys back to get your car after.”

“Sounds good,” I agree.

Together we climb into Brooks’ sleek SUV, settling into the comfortable surroundings. The easiness of the situation is not lost on me, and the feeling that our line-up just changed floods my thoughts.

Vivian

Jen: R u talking 2 me yet?

Me: Yes, please come over so we can talk about everything. I’m sorry that I stormed out.

Jen: U better believe I was done with the silent treatment. I was coming over invited or not.

Me: See u in a few…nab Carly 2. I need total girl pow-wow ASAP. Bring candy and coffee.

Jen: Good Lord, woman. What has ur panties in a twist? I said I was sorry.

Me: Not u…I kissed Brooks yesterday.

Jen: WHAT! We’ll be there in 5.

“So the kids just told me that you spent the day with Brooks and his daughter yesterday; care to fill me in, Sis?” Amanda asks, as she enters the kitchen and takes a seat on the barstool across from me.

I lay my cell phone on the counter and clasp my hands together, bracing for the impact of my sister’s wrath. “Yes, we ran into each other a few times over the past week. I’ll give you the whole story as soon as Jen and Carly get here; they are on their way.”

“Hell no, Viv, cut the shit. Why in the fuck would you spend any time with that asshole after what he did?” Her face is entirely flushed, and I can tell she’s trying to control herself.

“Wow, are you trying to meet some kind of curse-word count today?” I tease, trying to lighten her mood. Her perfectly-tweezed eyebrows pinch together, showing her obvious feelings for my humor.

“That’s not even a little bit funny.” She takes a deep breath before continuing, in an effort to maintain her temper. “I understand that you might be ready to move on with dating. I’ve encouraged you to date; I’ve even tried to set you up with some colleagues of mine. Instead, you choose the one man who has and will crush you. How many times will you let yourself be hurt by him?”

I open my clasped hands and rest my forehead into my palms. I understand where she’s coming from. She saw what I was like after Brooks, and she put me back together after Will. I know what I’m telling her is not easy for her to hear.

Still looking down, I finally address her question. “Look, Manda, what happened in the past wasn’t what I thought it was. He was never unfaithful; he was hiding something and made me believe that he cheated to push me away to protect me from whatever he was running from.” I look up to see her stunned expression.

“Wait, he never cheated?” she asks.

“He didn’t cheat; he lied, but didn’t cheat.”

“Okay, keep going.”

“I know that Brooks Ryan is my biggest weakness, and that he has the power to shatter my soul all over again. I also realize that I’m a mom, and it’s not just me I need to protect, but Emma and Blake’s hearts as well.”

Amanda’s brow softens, and I can see the gears in her mind spinning. “So you promise that whatever it is, you guys will take it slow?”

“Yes.”

“I’m not fully on-board, you know, and if he slips, I’m done with him,” she clarifies.

“Thanks, Mom,” I huff. “By the way, what colleagues were you going to set me up with that you haven’t slept with? Your office is not that big.”

“Ha ha, deflection is never an admirable quality, Viv,” she says as she jumps off the stool. “I’m going upstairs to get dressed; holler when the girls get here, and I’ll take the kids to the park.”

I move around the kitchen island and pull Amanda into a big bear hug. It always makes her feel uncomfortable, so I smother her every chance I get. “Thank you, Manda,” I say, stretching out the end of her name. Then I give her a big sloppy kiss on the cheek when she tries to pull away.

“Vivian! You know I hate that,” she protests, struggling to get away from me.

I finally release her, and she hurries upstairs to get away from me. “You better run, chick-a-dee. I love me some Manda lovin’.”

I can hear her laugh from upstairs, just as the doorbell rings. I rush to the front door, but don’t get a chance to open it before Jen barges into the house.

“You know, you’re in the city now; you should start locking this door,” Jen says as she steps into the foyer with Carly right behind her.

“Well, hello to you, too. Why ring the bell if you’re just going to walk right in?” I ask, taking one of the many sacks from Carly and a coffee from Jen.

“It’s always imperative that I announce my arrival. How long have you known me? This shouldn’t be a question after this long.” Her reply drips with sarcasm.

We take the extreme amount of snack bags, and sprawl the buffet of junk food on the table. “Jesus, is there anything left in the candy aisle of Wal-Mart, you guys? This is ridiculous.” I ask, surveying the piles of goodies.

Carly grabs a bag of Snickers off the table and holds it to her chest. “Hey now, you can never have too much chocolate available, and besides, we didn’t know what kind of Brooks emergency we had on our hands,” she says, sounding almost offended.

I just laugh at her dramatics, picking up a bag of licorice and tearing off a piece. “You know that this candy leaves with you, right? My kids will be on a sugar high for days from all this candy if they get into it.”

Jen grabs a bag of Skittles and plops down on a barstool. “You are one stingy bitch, you know that? You probably sneak ice cream behind their backs just so you don’t have to share.”

Carly burst into giggles, and I feign insult. “That is not true! Besides, between your potty mouth and the sexual jokes that continuously fly out of your mouth, I can only imagine what your motherly skills will be like and the demon spawn that you will produce.”

Jen throws a Skittle at me, and both Carly and I laugh.

“Oh, come on, Jen, you can’t even keep plants alive,” Carly adds, heading to the fridge to get a water. “You got that cat a few years back, and when you thought it would try to eat your face in your sleep because you kept forgetting to feed it, I ended up taking her. You still avoid Spunkin whenever you come over.”

“At least I gave her a cool name before I handed her over,” Jen defends.

“Are you kidding me? Do you know how wrong it is to hear my two-year-old try to say her name? Besides the fact that you named the cat after come, her little lisp makes it sound like fuckin’,” she complains as she slams the fridge shut.

Jen chokes on her coffee, sputtering coffee all over my countertop. “That is so awesome,” she stutters, cleaning up her mess with her sleeve.

“My point exactly,” I say.

“Okay, enough, let’s get down to business. I want all of the details,” Jen interrupts, standing and leading us all into the living room.

I pause at the stairs and holler up to Emma and Blake, who have been watching a movie in the media room. “Hey guys, Aunt Amanda was going to go to the park; do you want to go?”

Both run out into the upstairs hallway, meeting Amanda at the top of the stairs. “Can we invite Grace?” Emma asks.

Amanda’s eyes narrow on me. “Um, not today, sweetheart. We’ll plan something with Brooks and Grace another day, but when you get back, why don’t we go to lunch? You and Blake can pick the place,” I say.

“Awesome!” they both shout, and barrel down the stairs and towards the garage.

“Hey! I think you both forgot something,” I say, halting their descent. They turn around and run to me, wrapping their arms around my legs.

“Bye, Momma, love you,” they each take turns saying.

“Love you too, guys. Have fun, and keep Aunt Amanda out of trouble.”

“That’s a hard job, Mom. I might need more allowance for that,” Blake says.

“Good try; see you later, guys.” Amanda then grabs their hands and takes them out the door leading to the garage. I then take my seat on the couch next to Carly and across from Jen, who’s on the floor.

Breaking the silence, Carly jumps right in. “Okay, let me start by saying, um, what the hell? We all hated Brooks for ten years, taking turns comparing him to every piece of shit guy we came across over the years. I understand that he didn’t do what we thought he did, but he lied to us all. Did he even tell you why he did what he did?”

“No, not really, he just said that the issues that he had back then are not issues anymore.”

“And you’re just all right with that?” Jen asks.

“I don’t know,” I say, tucking my feet under my butt and relaxing into the couch. “I know that it feels good to be with him again. I know that the connection we had ten years ago is still there. I know that I have to move slowly and protect myself and our kids this time around, but I don’t want to run from it.”

“So, sparks, huh?” Carly inquires, scooting closer to me.

“Remember back in college when we talked about love, and Pride and Prejudice?” I ask, and both my friends nod.

“Well, Will was my Bingley. He was flexible and pleasant. I loved him dearly, but it was a safe love. Brooks is my Mr. Darcy. The passion and electricity that sets your body on fire from a single stare kind of love. It’s the unbending and unyielding sort of love that can just as easily burn you as it can heal you, but damn if it’s not worth the risk.”

“Okay.”

I look at Jen, amazed that I’m not hearing her pretend to gag over my love description. “Okay?”

“Yeah, how can I argue with that? You know I don’t want to see you hurt again, not after everything you’ve been through, so I ask that you please take things slowly.”

We both look to Carly, trying to gauge her thoughts. She’s chewing on the inside of her cheek and picking at the nonexistent lint on her pants.

“Just spit it out,” I urge. “I know that you think this is a bad idea; you are picking a hole into your sweatpants, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve also bitten a hole into your cheek the way you’ve been grinding your teeth.”

She just lets out a sigh. “All right, I’ll be supportive, too. It’s just that it wasn’t a small lie that he told; it was a planned deception, and you have no idea what the issue was. Please don’t be one of those women that we complain about that forgives so easily and we question their IQ level. If he does anything to make me question his loyalty or honesty, I will put Jen’s balls-on-a-skewer plan back into effect. Got it, lady?”

Carly is usually so reserved. Jen is the opinionated one, so for her to speak so passionately about the issue with Brooks, I know she really has concerns, and that she has my best interest at heart. I move closer to her on the couch and grab her hand. “Deal,” I say. “I will even provide the barbeque to make Rocky Mountain Oysters out of them.”

She smiles, but pulls her hand back, “Now that is just gross.”

“No, we could invite him over for a goodbye dinner and serve him his own balls. It would be priceless,” Jen jokes. “Just add a little gravy and it will taste like chicken fried steak.”

“All right, conversation is over; this has gone too far,” I laugh as I stand from the loveseat. “Let’s get the candy put away before the rug-rats get back.”

They both stand and pull me into a sincere hug. “We love you, sweet pea,” Carly says.

“I love you guys, too. Thank you for always being here for me.”

“Anytime, babe,” Jen says, patting my back. “Wait, scratch that! I revoke said friend status if any vajayjay checks for crabs are necessary; I draw the line there. So don’t turn into a Missy McSlut Muffin, because then you’re on your own.”

We all pull away from each other, “Fuck, Jen, you know how to ruin a moment,” I tell her as I walk towards the kitchen.

“What? Those things give me the hebegebees!” she explains, following behind me.

“Well that comment landed you clean-up duty,” I say as I pick up my phone, noticing the blinking light alerting me of missed messages.

I sit down on the stool and pull open the screen to find a single message from Brooks.

Brooks: I miss u, need 2 see u. Be ready at 7. I’m taking u 2 dinner.

I smile, the flutter in my stomach returning at the thought of getting to see him again and getting another shot at the kiss we started at the park.

Me: See u at 7… miss u 2.

I look up from my phone to see Jen and Carly both gawking at me.

“That good of a message, huh?” Carly asks.

“Looks like I need to call in one more favor,” I answer.

“Crabs kill, girl. Crabs kill,” Jen adds as she places the last bag of candy into the Wal-Mart sack.

I roll my eyes, “No, but thank you for that. I have a date tonight and I need help picking out an outfit. I want to look a little less like a throw– together mommy and more like a Slut McMuffin.”

“It’s McSlut Muffin; if you’re going to use it, use it correctly,” Jen demands.

“Whatever, I’d like to look a little less nice and a little more spice.”

“We got you covered, babe; you’re talking to the Queen Muffin here,” Jen says, throwing her arm around me. Carly just shoots me a weak smile. Let the adventure begin.