Текст книги "The Wounded"

Автор книги: Lauren Nicolle Taylor

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Текущая страница: 3 (всего у книги 17 страниц)

I could see my home.

Something was very wrong.

Panic rose so quickly I had to snap my hands around my heart before it leapt out of mouth, and I died of fright.

There are things I’d never forget. First kisses, first nights together. But I was sure over time as my skin went papery thin and my life started to fade, the memories would fade also. They would soften. Not this. This was more like burning. Like I was dying over and over again. I’d never forget this picture, this place in time. And it would kill me every time my mind brought it forth.

I dropped Rash’s hand and screamed, nothing hollow or slow about it. The scream of a mother and a wife. Of loss.

I heard them yelling behind me, following my screams, jostling voices high on adrenaline, slippery footsteps and squeaking sneakers. But I didn’t wait for them.

I jumped over the wall and onto the metal staircase. My shoes clanged and echoed; the noise too loud and too quiet because it was the only noise. I wanted to cover my ears and shut it out, but I need my arms to push me faster, to run. Rash shouted out confused snippets of questions behind me. I didn’t acknowledge him as I skidded at the bottom and swung towards our cottage. And even though I knew they wouldn’t be there, even as my soul started to scrunch up in my chest in anticipation of not finding them, I still ran until my lungs burned. I clawed through the terrifying silence that shrouded the streets, ran past the Spinner that was paused mid-journey, between two stops.

The air was thick with distress, as other Survivors began to fan out and search. But there was nothing, only our breaths, our shouts, and our cries.

I pushed through pain as the fast movement caught up with my aching head.

Maybe they’re here.

They’re hiding.

They’re safe.

They have to be.

Everything pulled in around one image that was so much more out of place than the empty streets and the abandoned carts. A teacup sat on a fence post, yellow with cracks running through the glaze. I stopped, turned, and walked towards my neighbor’s front yard slowly. I lifted the cup and peered in. Rings showed where evaporated tea had sat, and the stink of rotten milk crept up my nose. I hurled the cup to the ground, watching it smash and fragments of stained china roll hopelessly back and forth.

It was like everyone had disappeared in the middle of what they were doing.

I walked softly towards the cottage, sneaking up on it like stealth would stop the worst from happening.

The house stood before me, the stone path winding towards something empty. It was untouched. No signs of a struggle, no obvious door-crashing, blood-smattering evidence to tell me what had happened, only that the door was ajar.

I couldn’t move.

Rash brushed past me and creaked up the stairs. Every sound was amplified because there was nothing to cover it. He turned and looked down at me from the porch. “What’s going on?” he asked between pants.

I put my hand to my mouth to smother a sob and then said, “Oh God, Rash. This is my home. But they’re not here. They’re gone. Where is my family?”

*****

He pushed open the door, like he was afraid he may startle the occupants, but he needn’t have bothered. There hadn’t been anyone here for a while.

I padded in carefully, scared to disturb this unholy, terrifying peace that seemed to drench the whole town. I ran my hands gently over Orry’s rug, which was thrown over one of our chairs. I heard the fridge clunk and hum, and I jumped, running to the door and opening it, twisting my face when I saw the wilted vegetables and unopened food containers.

Orry’s crib was standing in the corner, still made up. Our bed was the opposite. Sheets twisted and knotted. Pillows thrown on the floor. My mind crept towards when I last lay in that bed, the warmth and safety. Arms I had to be in now, or I would scream. I looked out the back window. A blackened patch of dirt was the only thing that didn’t look exactly how I remembered it.

Rash kept a respectful distance. His eyes moved back and forth from the unmade bed to the crib and back again. I stood in the center of the lounge and blinked one tear before I took off running again. I flew out, the door making a dead-sounding crack as the wood frame smacked the wall. Tearing down the center street that led to the town, I screamed Joseph’s and Orry’s names like a madwoman.

Rash could barely keep up with me now, and I know it was taking all his self-restraint not to stop and take in the town. Compared to the ordered blandness of the Rings, this must have looked like a cardboard city a child had created in their bedroom, crooked, corrugated roofs and all.

When I stopped at Addy’s, Rash ran straight past me and had to backtrack. This time I saw him staring at the surroundings, the colored flower boxes, and the stone streets with the spines of Spinner tracks running through them. He shook his head in disbelief. “It’s beautiful,” he said. “It’s so different to the Woodlands that it has to be.”

A sob caught in my throat. I didn’t want to frighten him any more than I already had, but when I looked around, I couldn’t see beauty. The beauty was in the people who lived here. Its emptiness made it ugly in my eyes.

Addy’s door was ajar as well. I ran my hands over a neatly shattered window panel. Someone had broken into her house. When I stepped inside, I could see her carefully organized chaos had been disturbed. There were bags with rugs leaking out of them, a ball of wool trailing across the dark floor, and a candle that had burned down to the bottom of the wick. I imagined them bursting in here, pushing her back into her bedroom, and my heart clenched.

Reluctantly, I crept further in, so scared of what I might find in her room. I wrapped my fingers around the doorframe to her bedroom and peered inside, but it was empty just like my house.

When we left, Rash slid his arm around my waist to support my swaying body. “You don’t look so good. You should rest, Soar.”

I shook my head, my world spinning. I couldn’t rest. I had to find them.

*****

I got halfway up the stairs to Apella and Alexei’s apartment and stopped. The air was scrubbed clean of noises. I knew they weren’t there.

The other Survivors checked homes too, zigzagging in and out of doors like startled bugs, yelling ‘clear’ and calling out people’s names.

We were just pushing the heavy door to Apella’s apartment building open when we heard a man scream, “Found something!”

His shouts were far off in the distance and came floating down from back up the hill. We both ran, joining others as we went, all desperately hoping it wasn’t our loved one that had been ‘found’.

The yells came from the edge of the forest, close to where I’d done my training with Careen and Pietre. People were crowded around something, shaking their heads, a warble of confusion drifting towards us as we approached. Two men shifted their legs, and I saw a flash of orange fur like flames and iron bars. I pushed my way into the group and looked down at the ground.

Its ribs rose and fell in a labored manner, a dense, strangled roar stuck in its throat. Blood had poured from a bullet wound in its stomach, creating a dark red halo around its body, but it was now a slow ooze. I felt nausea clouding my head, and I stumbled. Pelo caught my elbow and steadied me. His face showed a flash of concern. I shook off his grip and leaned down to the creature’s gigantic jaw, a disproportionately small trickle of blood slipped down its lip from where someone had wrenched a fang from its mouth. I shook my head with hurt and anger. A Survivor would never do this.

The people who did this had no respect, no understanding, for the life outside their concrete walls. I realized that the flash of white I saw hanging form that soldier’s neck when I was on the spinner heading home was a tooth. Somehow, they’d beat us here.

I snatched the stunner from Pelo’s backpack and held it to the beast’s temple. Squeezing my eyes tightly shut, I squeezed the trigger and held it there until I could no longer hear its ragged breathing.

When I stood, everyone’s wide eyes were on me. I handed Pelo the stunner and secretly wished Pietre had been here to see me do that. He was wrong about me. He said I didn’t have it in me to use the stunner when it was necessary. He just didn’t understand what necessary was to me.

I faced the men and women. Clasping my fingers around my pledge charm, I tugged it violently and held it up in front of them. “I don’t want to see any one of you kissing this damn thing and saying goodbye to Gwen, or to whoever you think you’ve lost.” I stood on my tiptoes to connect with each and every pair of eyes. “Until we see their bodies in front of us, they are still alive. Do you hear me?” My voice cracked a little at the end, and I whispered, “They’re still alive.”

To my surprise, everyone nodded.

Matthew took over, ordering everyone to search and then meet back at the theater in three hours.

*****

We helped Matthew carry Pietre down to the hospital. With no Spinner, it was a bumpy ride and, after a string of profanities, he passed out from the pain, again. It was worrying. He was getting weaker.

Matthew talked in short bursts over his shoulder as we stumbled down the street. “I need to repair that leg.”

Careen blinked up from staring at Pietre’s face, which looked pained even in sleep. Rash was walking next to me, unabashedly staring at her breasts as they bounced up and down with every footfall. “Can you?” she asked.

Matthew’s brow was tight, and he looked like he might be sweating slightly. This didn’t seem like a good sign. “Until we x-ray it, I can’t be sure, but the infection from the exposed bone is getting worse.”

Careen worried her brow. The expression made her look like a cute, perplexed doll. We tramped towards the bottom of the hill with purpose until the sight before us stopped us all in our tracks.

Up until now it had looked like everyone had just evaporated mid morning tea. Like a magic spell had made them all disappear. But the hospital was a disaster. Whatever happened, it happened right here.

The glass doors were barricaded. Piles of furniture and medical equipment blocked the entrance. Once we broke our way inside, it was like viewing a torn-apart book. Everything was pulled to pieces. The decimated spine lay open and devastated, the pages incomplete or missing. The story no longer making sense. It was the kind of destruction you’d expect when someone was out of their minds looking for something. Every bed was upturned. Every cupboard door swung on its hinges. Matthew’s face drew down in horror. His hospital was in shreds.

We cleared a space and lay Pietre down, still on the carrier I’d made, on top of a bed. He was still out cold. As we started moving things aside and cleaning up, a bedpan slid off the debris and scuttled across the floor, hitting a hospital bed leg with a loud clang. Under an upturned bed, movement caught my eyes. I ran towards the source. Please, please, please be Joseph.

A weathered hand reached out, and then an irritated voice crackled through a pile of bed sheets. “Well, aren’t you going to help me, you dull girl?”

Addy’s skin was close to black. Purplish stains ran across her face and down her arm. I pulled her gently to sitting, and she arranged her legs, pulling them up to her chin. Her stick-like figure jutted out at all angles, like a sharply folded piece of paper. She shook from cold, shock, or both, and I gathered a clump of sheets to throw over her back. When they landed on her, she let out a horrible cough and blood sprayed across the back of her hand. My heart went cold and shivery. Panic was smothered by dread.

Old blood crusted in the corners of her mouth, like a wolf in need of a stream clean. I didn’t used to be a screamer. Most of the time, it seemed pointless to carry on like that, but when I took in the full devastation of Addy, I sat down in front of her like a child awaiting a lesson and screamed my lungs out.

“Matthew! Matthew! Matthew!” I held onto my chest, because in that moment, I felt like every emotion was fighting to get out, like there was a stag ramming the inside of my rib cage with his bony antlers.

“They’re still alive,” I whispered to myself.

I heard clattering. Matthew and Rash came running from the tech rooms, where Deshi had been working through the leftover technology. Matthew stopped still when he saw her. Wiping dust and dirt on his pants, he took a deep breath to fortify himself and approached. He seemed to collapse as he neared Addy, becoming smaller and smaller. Like me, he was suddenly a child. He knelt down in a nest of twisted sheets in front of her. “Babushka, no,” he whispered.

“Shh,” Addy managed, her voice sounding like air being let out of a tire.

Matthew lifted her arm and put his fingers to her wrist, shaking his head. “What happened? Where is everyone?”

“They came. But we saw them coming. Everyone evacuated. Retreated to the hiding place. I’m sorry, my good boy. I was already in here when they arrived. I’d had a fall.” She tapped her leg listlessly. “They weren’t interested in this old girl. They were after…” I felt a surge of hope. They were alive.

“The healing machine,” Matthew interrupted, cursing under his breath.

“Don’t use that kind of language,” Addy chided.

Rash stood back, tears stinging the corners of his eyes. I glared at him. I didn’t want anyone to cry. She wasn’t dead. She was still here, talking to us. Why was everyone looking at her like it was already over?

“It’s destroyed,” Matthew whispered.

Addy nodded. “Yes. They destroyed it with their bombs.”

Matthew scooped her up, and I righted a gurney. He placed her gently on the mattress. She looked like part of it, thin as the sheets. Her breath slow, her bare feet sticking out the bottom of a nightdress, cracked and scabbed. But she looked whole. Battered, but whole.

“What should I do?” Matthew asked, lost, his voice snagging on fought-back tears.

“Get the others and go to the hiding place. It’s time to fight back,” Addy said, her hand clasping around something. “Leave me,” she said, forcing a smile.

Matthew nodded, but didn’t release her hand. I shook my head, hoping I’d heard wrong. “What? No. What are you taking about? We’re not leaving her here,” I yelled.

Addy’s bright, scrunched-up eyes snapped to me. “I’m dying, dear.”

I felt thrumming and crashing in my ears, like they were filling up with water. “No you’re not,” I said stubbornly. “You’re fine. Just bruised.” I laughed weakly. “Don’t be such a baby.” Every word felt like a stabbing.

Matthew grabbed my arm firmly and dragged me away from the bed. He took me behind a fallen-down partition and said, “Rosa, Addy’s bleeding internally, everything’s destroyed, and the healer is in pieces. The emergency medical supplies have been taken. There’s nothing we can do.”

I covered my mouth, as if I could stop the grief from sliding out. “Please. We have to try something, anything. Matthew, it’s Addy.” Tears were pouring down my face, as everything tuned out and in. I could hear yelling outside, then Rash and Addy having an uncomfortable conversation on the other side of the partition.

“Garbage?” I heard Addy say, and then Rash laughing at his own joke.

I knew if there were anything Matthew could do, he would do it. And there wasn’t. There was nothing.

My home was rubble, and they were telling me Addy was going to die.

*****

We walked back to Addy and stood over her. It felt wrong, like we were standing over her grave. She grimaced, pulling that wrinkly face together like purse strings in dissatisfaction. “Don’t just hover over me looking miserable,” she snapped. We shifted uneasily but didn’t move. She waved us away with effort. “Go and make yourselves useful. I can’t look at those depressing faces another minute!”

Matthew was the first to move, falling into disaster-containment mode. He contacted everyone via handheld and told them to meet us at the hospital.

The rest of the group filtered in. Various levels of gasps, cursing and outrage thudded against our ears when they saw the destroyed hospital. When everyone was gathered, Matthew wandered off, angrily kicking over trays and upturned beds. I thought he was having a tantrum until I realized he was searching for something. Finally, he held up a glass bottle and a syringe, drawing the liquid from it. He put it to Addy’s arm, and she struggled against him. Her physical strength was akin to dry grass snapping under my boot, but her mind was never stronger.

With a fierceness only Addy could pull off, she said, “No, dear. I want to feel. I want to feel it. If my life’s about to end, I want to be here right ’til the last second.”

Something like an unreleased hiccup wedged in my throat.

Matthew turned to the group of Spiders and Survivors, saying, “The settlement has evacuated to the hiding place. Most of us can stay here. I need about four volunteers to come with me to recover them.” My father put his hand up.

I wasn’t sure what to do. I wanted to go. Orry and Joseph were waiting for me. I had to make sure they were ok. I needed to see them. But how could I leave Addy?

A dry hand patted mine. “You’re not staying here with me, so don’t even try it.” Her voice crackled.

“But…” I started to say, but she was right. I had to go.

“I’ll stay,” Rash said. “I’ll stay with her.”

I felt so much gratitude and sadness that it was welling from every pore. I could never repay him for this. But the things was... I knew he’d never expect me to. I threw my arms around him and kissed his cheek. “Thank you.”

I bent my head down to Addy’s ear and whispered, “Don’t give up yet. You’re stronger than all of us.”

Her grip on me tightened more than I would have thought possible. “You just give that boy the biggest kiss from me,” she said with a wink, “oh and the baby too.”

I laughed, but it was the saddest laugh.

Matthew recovered some antibiotics and put them in an IV bag for Pietre.

“Is that all you can do?” Careen asked. “What about his leg?”

Olga wobbled over. I could almost hear the tinkle of the bath toy in her swaying movements. She hovered her hand over Pietre’s leg, careful not to touch him. She closed her eyes, pulled her thin ponytail over her shoulder, and ran it through her fingers, thinking. When she opened her eyes, the bright sparks were rounded with seriousness. “Matthew, don’t put it off. We have to try to set it. And if that doesn’t work, amputation.”

Matthew stared down at the tiny woman, and I thought he was going to tell her to mind her own business. Instead, he nodded and said, “I’ll assist.”

Olga clapped her hands together dramatically. “Very well. Show me to the theater.”

At that, Matthew laughed and ran his hand over the back of his neck. “Let’s hope it’s intact.”

Together with a nurse I recognized from the mounds, they wheeled Pietre away, pushing debris out of the way as they went.

I was glad to get out of there. When Pietre woke up and found his leg gone, his behavior up until now would seem like blissful dream.

When we left, Careen was parked serenely by Pietre’s empty bed, waiting.

I expected her to fall apart, to be red-faced and emotional. Instead, she seemed relieved. He was alive. He might not see that as a blessing, but she did. I hoped he would let her help him.

I rolled my hand over her shoulder, her muscles lean and defined. She leaned back in her chair, flipped her head up to look at me, and gave me a dashing smile. “Are you going to be ok?” I asked doubtfully.

She blinked her big, blue eyes soulfully reminding me there was so much more to her than I’d initially thought. “I’ll be fine,” she said. “Don’t know about him though.” She knocked her head towards the theater entrance, a smooth parting of debris piled on either side of where they’d wheeled him through. “He’s not as strong as you and me, you know?”

I raised my eyebrows. She thought I was strong. It threw a few support beams around my shaky frame. “He’ll get over it.” I hoped.

She stood and clasped the sheets, remaking the already made bed. She flashed me a look of concern and masked it quickly. “You should go… be careful.”

*****

Two beds over, Rash sat cross-legged on the edge of Addy’s bed, talking. I don’t know what he said, but she smiled.

“What are you two smiling about?” I asked, trying to look directly into Addy’s eyes and not at the rest of her.

“Oh nothing,” Rash said, grinning, “Addy’s just filling me in on your reaction to her when you first met. Pretty funny.”

I scowled disingenuously. “Well, I’m glad you’ve found the common ground of making fun of me to keep you busy.”

Rash punched my shoulder. “You’ve gotta go.”

I leaned down and touched my cheek to hers. It was so cold, thin and delicate as wet paper. “I’ll bring him back so you can kiss him yourself,” I whispered.

She didn’t say anything, but her eyes warned me not to get my hopes up.

I only said a quick goodbye. I’d be back. I couldn’t leave room for any other possibility other than I’d see them both again. And soon.

*****

We followed Matthew out of the hospital. The others were left behind with orders to start the cleanup and keep an eye out for soldiers.

“I’m intrigued. Where is this hiding place?” Pelo asked Matthew, holding his hands in front of his face and jiggling his long fingers, as we worked our way through shadowed alleys. Layers of tin and wood tilted and teetered over our heads as we continued to step down, down, down.

He didn’t need to tell me. I knew. Everything in the Survivor settlement tipped towards one place. A place I knew Woodland soldiers would never approach.

Matthew confirmed my suspicions, answering as he bent down to walk under a loose piece of roof that had slid off a dilapidated building. “It’s on the edge of the blast site. The Hole.”

We popped out of a claustrophobic alleyway onto a narrow bank that fell away into the crater, crumbling and receding like a toes’ touch would start a landslide.

Matthew handed us thin, paper surgical masks from the hospital as we stood wedged in the opening, but not before I got a mouthful of black dust. Courtesy of the hollow-sounding wind that kept picking up swirls of black silt to assault our faces. I pictured Joseph standing here with Orry and felt sick.

My boots sank ankle deep in the soft, grey powder. I turned and watched my father fighting a losing battle, brushing his shoulders and jacket front of ash, only to have it settle again until he gave up. I pulled my hair back and squinted, trying to picture three thousand survivors battling their way around the edge. I couldn’t, which was a terrifying thought.

The Hole was a giant crater, with torn roads, crumbled buildings, and train tracks clinging around the rim, like they gripped the edge when the bomb hit and were still fighting not to fall into the abyss. We were going to have to pick our way through and over these obstacles until we reached the opposite side. Matthew used hand signals to point out where we had to go, since the wind and the face masks made it nearly impossible to understand him. He pointed to an overhang, possibly a blown up part of a bridge. That was where we were headed.

It took us over an hour to make it a few hundred meters, swinging over twisted rails, climbing into buildings, and back out again. My father walked in front of me, and I let him pull me up. I took his hand when it helped me. Matthew was about ten meters ahead, standing right on the edge of the black rim. He pulled his mask down and wiped his forehead with his dirty hands, branding himself with a black paste mix of sweat and ash. The wind carried his words back to me. “Ublyudok. Bastards.”

My eyes followed to where his were, and I inhaled so quickly and deeply that the mask sucked into my mouth, briefly suffocating me.

Lying halfway towards the center of the Hole, its arms and legs fanned out like a starfish, was the first body.

*****

There was hatred and there was how I was feeling right then. This was deeper and hotter. It ran through my blood like a knife, slicing and splitting me open until all I could feel was shaking anger. This body, dressed in jeans, a knitted jumper, and the standard sneakers was lying face down in the ash, a deep imprint of its shape rising like a dark shadow. A brownish stain marked its back. This person didn’t fall. They were shot down. Shot down as they tried to escape.

We couldn’t stay there, staring down in disbelief. We had to keep moving.

Again, we were forced into the belly of a building. Our footprints shifted the dust, revealing the remnants of a white laminated floor skimmed with ash like spilled pepper. Rows of metal shelves leaned against each other with colorful packets of food scattered everywhere. Old, fluorescent tube casings dangled precariously from the ceiling. I peered at one of the labels. A fat, happy child with dark hair and brown skin smiled at me, while bear-like animals with blackened eyes danced around his head. I opened the packet, and hard biscuits shaped like the bears fell into my palm. I tilted my head. It looked like the food they gave the sled dogs.

Everyone moved slowly. Even Pelo, who always seemed to be ready to launch from his toes, dragged his body along, investigating this strange world where people once piled plastic-looking food into giant, metal trolleys. He leaned his elbow against one, staring at a poster still managing to cling to the wall. The language was foreign, elegant strokes crossed over each other, looking like platform houses. Underneath the writing was a family: a mother, father, and a little boy dressed in red. They looked happy, the flag flapping behind them echoing calmer days, perhaps. It reminded me, there was so much I didn’t know.

My thoughts darkened at the thought of this family and so many others. In my mind, the poster started to burn at the edges, the paper curling upwards, the smiles on the faces twisted and stretched until they were more like grimaces of pain. All these people, these families, were gone.

The squeak of a wheel turned my attention, and I watched as the trolley rolled away from Pelo, clanging against a speaker on the wall. The lights flashed on and off for a second, and the speaker sprung to life, playing a kind of music that seemed to lull and infuriate at the same time. A monotonous jingle that repeated on a mind-numbing loop. Everyone quickened their pace, the creepy, empty market holding too many ghosts, too much past.

We pushed through some smashed glass doors at the back of the building and wound our way through the vegetation that groped every building, clawing at the rubble and reclaiming it. We climbed a small outcropping, a roof that was now covered in grass and plants. A tree grew awkwardly out of its gutter. A rope tied to it dangled down towards the crater. We turned to face the crumbling pile of rock and clambered down.

When my feet hit the ground, I didn’t want to turn around. My body resisted it. I heard Matthew cry out, and the others muffle their distress. Pelo put his hand on my shoulder and turned me slowly.

Simply, and without all the agitated enthusiasm he usually spoke with, he said, “I’m sorry.”

I closed my eyes. Because I knew once I opened them, an image would be buried in my head so deep that it would never leave. I needed a second. Just one. To lie and tell myself I would be able to handle this. Because of course, I couldn’t. No one would.

I opened them, blinking furiously, the light hitting my eyes and blinding me momentarily. I swiped my eyelids with the back of my hand and stared down at the grey smudge on my skin. Matthew was squatting at the edge of the crater, rocking back and forth, clasping his charm like it had magical powers. Pelo was somber, his head bowed and his hands together in prayer. But he didn’t know these people. The other Survivor scanned the Hole frantically, until he cried out and sunk to his knees.

“Hana, Hana,” he cried.

A streak of sunken ash led to bodies, which were scattered everywhere. Some were pressed together, and some had tumbled almost to the center. All unmoving.

My eyes jumped from one face to another, searching for Joseph or Orry, but it was futile. From this distance, only the very closest could be identified. The rest were blurred or buried. I realized what I should be looking for was someone small. And my thin composure started to tear. I needed to know if the children were down there. My gaze flew from group to group, feeling my heart dying inside my body each time. One looked slight, her head buried in ash, perfect blonde hair fanned out behind her. It could have been Apella, but I couldn’t tell from here. I started to shake, the wind battering my arms and legs. Each mote of ash felt like a shard of glass hitting my skin. I took a step downwards, my leg sinking knee-deep in ash. I had to get closer. A hand grabbed the back of my jacket, holding my body out over the crater at a forty-five-degree angle.

I turned. Pelo’s strong arm was straining from the pull of my weight and my will to go down.

“Let me go,” I barked. “There are people down there. I have to see… I have to make sure…”

He shook his head. “No. I won’t let you go. The ash is too deep. You won’t make it back.”

I struggled against his grip, but he snapped me towards his chest and held me tight. “I have to… I have to… what if it’s…” I cried into his chest. “Oh God. Why would they do this?”

“Shh,” he whispered. I pressed my ear to his chest and listened to his heartbeat, quick and drumming. Restless. “It’s not them.”

I pulled back and looked up at his face. His eyes were new. They hadn’t seen this kind of devastation. It was horror he was holding inside, for me. I knew he was lying to make me feel better. He didn’t know any better than I did who was down there. He didn’t even know who I was looking for.

I let him lie. Even though it didn’t feel quite right, I let him comfort me for all the times he hadn’t in the past.

I stayed like that for a few minutes until I heard the shuffling of pushing on. We were grief stricken and desolate, a new kind of emptiness echoing out of the Hole and trying to swallow us. But that wasn’t everyone down there. We had to keep going. No one looked down. We held our gaze in front of us and held out hope that someone was waiting for us on the other side.