Текст книги "Hearts of Blue"

Автор книги: L. H. Cosway

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Текущая страница: 12 (всего у книги 21 страниц)

A single tear rolled down my cheek, and I was glad I wasn’t facing him right then. He’d probably think I was a complete head case, crying after sex. It was just that being with him made everything else in my life a lie, and yet, the idea of being without him made everything seem empty and grey. So I was trapped in the lie. In fact, I’d walked right into it willingly with both eyes open.

I pressed my cheek into the pillow to dry away the tears and turned in his arms. Needing the comfort, I buried my face in his neck and felt a breath whoosh out of him.

“Karla?” said Lee, his tone questioning.

I spoke into his skin. “I just really, really like you. I like the things you do to me, and I don’t want to lose them.”

Feeling his jaw move, I thought he might be smiling. “If it’s any consolation, I really like the things I do to you, too. Actually, I fucking love them. And you won’t lose me, so long as you make the choice to be with me.”

I lifted my head to meet his eyes. “But it’s impossible. We can never have a normal relationship. Other than Alexis and Reya, there isn’t a single person in my life I could tell about you, no one who wouldn’t condemn me for it.”

“It’s simple, then – don’t tell them.”

“So what do we do, sneak around?”

“If that’s what it takes.”

My lips turned downward. “How would that even work?”

“We’d figure it out. I’m very inventive,” he replied, waggling his eyebrows.

I laughed softly, and he caught my lips in his for a quick kiss. “For tonight, let’s not worry about it. Tomorrow’s a new day.”

Lee pulled me back down into the pillows and I closed my eyes, snuggling into his chest this time. His hand stroked soothingly up and down my spine, and before I knew it, I was out cold.

I woke some time in the middle of the night, hearing voices. The room was dark, but a thin sliver of light trickled in from outside. Blinking my eyes open, I saw Lee standing with the door slightly ajar, wearing only his boxer briefs. Stu was outside, and he didn’t look happy. I immediately closed my eyes, feigning sleep.

“I’m sorry, bruv, but you’re losing it. All that cop pussy’s blurring your vision.”

“Oi, eyes on me. You try looking in my room again, and I swear I’ll deck you,” Lee warned him.

Crap. I suddenly realised that my legs and a good deal of my left breast were exposed. I must have kicked the blankets off in my sleep. My skin prickled with the need to cover up, but if I moved, they’d know I was listening.

“How do you know she’s not snitching on us to her bosses?” Stu asked, his voice gruff.

“Because she doesn’t know anything. Besides, other than what happened with Liam, we haven’t caught an inch of heat lately. What’s between me and Karla is between us. It’s got nothing to do with her job or this family.”

“It has everything to do with them. Christ, Lee, how can it not?”

Abruptly, I didn’t want to hear any more, because if he said something incriminating right then, it’d put me in a bad position. I’d have to decide whether or not to report it, and I didn’t want to report anything. I just wanted to forget about my job for a while and enjoy being with Lee for however long it might last. Letting out what I hoped sounded like a sleepy sigh, I shifted in place. Both brothers went silent before Stu said, “I’m going. Just think about it, Lee. You’re supposed to be the smart one.”

With that the door clicked shut, and I felt the bed dip as Lee climbed back in beside me. He didn’t ask if I was awake, just draped an arm around me and pressed a kiss to the back of my head. Before long I heard his breathing even out, and I knew he’d fallen back asleep. I struggled with the decision on whether or not to leave, but his warmth felt too good, and in spite of the fact that Stu had spoken a lot of sense, I was far too comfortable in Lee’s bed to go anywhere.

***

The next time I woke up, the bed was empty again. Somehow though, I sensed that I wasn’t alone. Rolling onto my side, I rubbed at my eyes and blinked a few times. Lee was sitting in an armchair in the corner of the room. He was topless, his hair wet and a towel tucked about his waist. He must have taken a shower. His chin rested on his fist as he studied me, his expression pensive, and I wondered what he was thinking about.

“How long have you been sitting there?” I asked, holding the duvet to my chest as I sat up.

Lee cocked an eyebrow at my attempt to cover myself, obviously because he’d seen everything there was to see last night. “Not too long.”

Our eyes locked, and I felt goose bumps rise on my skin. His gaze was possessive, knowing, and memories of what we’d done the night before flittered through my mind. I could still smell him on me, and it made my thighs quiver in want. Several quiet moments passed.

“Where’d you get the scar, Snap?” Lee asked, his curiosity evident on his face.

My heart gave a sharp thud of both pain and surprise. Surprise that he cared enough to ask, and pain because of what it represented. I hugged the duvet tighter around myself.

“When I was a kid, I was in a car accident with my parents. The impact came from the side and there were glass fragments embedded in my abdomen. I had some internal injuries, so I had to stay in hospital for a couple of weeks. God, it was boring,” I said, trying to offset my discomfort.

Lee sucked in a sharp breath, his expression sympathetic. “Karla.”

I waved him off. “It was a long time ago.”

“Well, I always say that a scar’s better than being dead.”

“Uh-huh.”

Lee frowned. “Is there something else you’re not telling me?”

The tenderness in his voice made my throat tighten. I hadn’t planned on telling him anything, but the truth just came spilling out of me anyway as I blurted, “My internal injuries were bad. I can’t have children.”

In the quiet of the room, the sentence sounded shockingly stark. Lee didn’t speak for a second, and I stared at my hands. Before I knew it, the bed dipped and warm, muscular arms wrapped around me from behind. Lee pulled me into his embrace, and there was something about the gesture that made me feel worse and better at the same time.

“Did you always want kids?” he asked in a whisper, his mouth resting at my temple.

“Not always. But once something is taken away from you, you tend to want it more. I know I can live a full life without children, but it’s like my heart gets all horrible and heavy when I think about the fact that I…that I can’t.”

“You could adopt,” Lee suggested, his hand lowering to my thigh and stroking.

I let out a joyless laugh. “It’s not the same.”

He heaved a breath. “No, I suppose not.”

A long quiet elapsed, Lee’s chin resting on my shoulder, his breath warming the side of my neck. I couldn’t remember a time when I’d been held like this, skin to skin, feeling cut open and exposed, yet sewn up and healed all at once.

Lee’s voice was low and solemn when he said, “We’re stronger in the places that we’ve been broken.”

His words hit me square in the gut, the sentiment causing my eyes to grow a little wet, and I wondered who he was quoting from.

“Who said that?” I whispered.

“Hemingway.”

A soft, surprised laugh escaped me, even though my eyes were still watery. “You read Hemingway?”

I felt him move his head in a shake. “There used to be this tunnel near where an old friend of mine lived. Lots of graffiti on the walls. I remember walking home one night and seeing this mural in crazy vibrant colours with that quote as the centrepiece. You ever read words and they just make sense to you? I had one of those moments.”

“Yeah, the truth of them just kind of…resonates,” I said.

Lee caught my chin between his fingers, turning my face so he could look me straight in the eye. I’d never seen his expressin so sincere. “The strongest part of you is the broken one, and having kids isn’t the only way you can become a parent, Karla. The way you protect people makes you a mother to the world.”

His statement struck the centre of my heart and I clung to it, feeling a renewed sense of meaning about myself. I’d never thought of it that way before. Seriously, I had to change the subject, because otherwise I was seriously going to start bawling. The warmth of his hand felt soothing, and I was suddenly curious about him. “You’ll probably have a dozen kids running around one day. I can definitely see that for you. You practically raised your own brothers, after all.”

He was silent for longer than I expected, and he seemed thoughtful. Maybe it was the insinuation that his future would be with someone else, filled with someone else’s children. The idea pained me more than it should have. His breath warmed my cheeks as he mustered a reply. “Nah, maybe raising my brothers was enough for one lifetime. And let’s remember, I didn’t exactly do a bang-up job.”

“You did your best. You were only a kid yourself.”

“I was ruthless, but that’s only because I had to be.”

I snuggled further into his arms and placed a hand on his cheek. “You know, I might end up regretting telling you this someday, but if I’d been in your position, I’d probably have made the exact same choices.”

Lee’s nostrils flared, and his gaze intensified at my words. They were the truth. I could sit on my high horse, spouting moral virtues, but I knew that if I’d been born into Lee’s situation, I would have done whatever it took to survive. Perhaps we were more similar than I cared to admit.

Dipping his head, he caught my lips in a kiss and pulled me on top of him. Both his hands stroked my thighs as he stared up at me, his eyes hooded.

“I like you,” he murmured.

“I like you, too.”

“You shouldn’t be so cynical about what we could be, you know.”

I crinkled my brow. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means I know what you were playing at just now, talking about me having kids, like the idea of you being in my future is such an impossibility.”

“Lee,” I said, air whooshing out of me when his thumbs dug into my muscles, massaging out the kinks. “My dad would disown me if he knew I was with you.”

“So what? You don’t even like the man.”

“I know that, but he’s my father. Besides, he’s a product of his environment. My parents grew up at a time when you couldn’t walk down the street without worrying if a bomb was going to go off. That kind of thing hardens people.”

“Hmm.” Lee grinned.

“Don’t ‘hmm’ me, you cheeky little shit. And what’s the grin for?”

“It’s for the fact that you’re gonna forget all this serious talk in a minute when I fuck you.”

“Oh, really?”

“Really. So hard it’ll rewire that brain of yours, so afterward, when you think about the future, all you can see is me in it.”

Reaching up, he palmed both my breasts, then bent forward and captured one of my nipples in his mouth. The action rendered me incapable of doing anything but surrendering. And when he flipped me over and pulled me onto all fours, he made good on his promise, because it might have been morning, but I really did see stars.

Thirteen

I was laughing so hard I had to bend over and hold my stomach, so hard that tears were rolling down my cheeks. Tony and I were sitting in the break room eating lunch and trying not to wet ourselves as Keira did an impression of DI Jennings.

“Constable, tuck your shirt in and straighten your tie. You look like the vagrant lovechild of Keith Richards and Worzel Gummidge.”

“Stop!” I begged, trying to calm my laughter. “I haven’t heard anyone use Worzel Gummidge as a reference since I was five years old.”

“That’s because you never bloody listen, do you, Sheehan? Cotton wool in the ears,” Keira clipped, not dropping the act.

I swiped a thumb under my eyes, finally calming down, and glanced up. The smile immediately fled my features, because standing in the doorway was none other than Jennings herself. Keira had her back turned, continuing with her impression. Jennings’ face was indecipherable, and I went completely silent, waiting for her to stride into the room and put Keira in her place. But she didn’t do that. Instead, she cast me a quick, uncomfortable glance, turned on her heel, and left without a word.

I wanted to tell Keira that she’d been caught, but I knew it’d only make her worry. If Jennings planned on reprimanding her, it was going to happen whether I told her or not. Packing away the end of my lunch, I felt a strange urge to go after Jennings. Even if she did relish making my job difficult, I couldn’t help but feel bad. I wanted to apologise for Keira, and for myself for laughing.

Leaving the break room and hurrying down the corridor, I made my way to her office, knocking gently on the door before stepping inside. What I saw when I entered made me wish I’d waited for her to call me in, because Jennings was sitting at her desk, dabbing tears from her eyes with a handkerchief. Her gaze widened when she took me in, and several moments of the most uncomfortable silence I’d ever felt fell between us. The woman had feelings. This thought unsettled me.

“I, uh, I’m sorry, ma’am. Excuse me,” I said, and turned to leave.

“Don’t you dare,” said Jennings. “You just had the gall to burst into my office unannounced, so now you can stay and say your piece. I presume you have some sort of speech to make?”

“That’s not why I….”

“Then why did you?” Jennings snapped, and I startled a little.

“I don’t really know. I just wanted to apologise, I suppose, for what Keira was doing, and for laughing. Mostly for the laughing. You don’t deserve that kind of behaviour, and it’s unprofessional on our part.”

Well, maybe she did deserve it just a little, but I wasn’t going to say that to her face.

“Unprofessional behaviour from you is no great surprise, Sheehan. Christ, look at your father.”

I gave her a funny look. “My dad might not be the most pleasant man in the world, but he’s hardly unprofessional.”

Jennings only snorted and dabbed once more at her eyes before tossing her hankie aside. I narrowed my gaze. “What’s the deal with you two anyway?”

She glanced up in surprise. “Pardon?”

“You hate my dad like he murdered your grandmother or something. Why?”

Jennings straightened in her seat. “You have no business asking such questions. Now get back to work.”

“No, I want to know. I’ve never done anything to you, yet you treat me like I’m a piece of dirt on the end of your boot. I deserve to be told the reason.”

A silence fell, and Jennings eyed me shrewdly. “How’s your mother these days?”

Her question seemed a little random, but I answered anyway. “Um, she’s fine.”

“I’ll bet she is,” Jennings muttered, and I wasn’t sure why, but there was something in her tone that I found curious. It was jealousy with a hint of resentment…. Oh, hell no. Suddenly, everything fell into place, and to be honest, it made me feel a little queasy.

“Oh, my God,” I whispered, gaping at her in disbelief. “No way.”

“What are you prattling about?”

“You and my dad.”

Jennings frowned. “Me and your dad, what? Bloody hell, finish you sentences, Sheehan, you’re not a toddler.”

“You and my dad had a thing, didn’t you? Wait, don’t answer that. I don’t want to know.”

She stared, her blue eyes cutting into me like a knife, and all at once I knew it was true. My dad had an affair with Jennings. I felt like I’d just stepped over the threshold and into the twilight zone.

“Your father is a spineless coward,” said Jennings, her voice sober. “He is the worst decision I’ve ever made.”

“Spineless?” My brow furrowed.

“Spineless,” Jennings repeated. “Do you know that I was once beaten so badly by the members of an organised crime ring your father and I were investigating that I almost lost my life? Thugs broke into my home and attacked me, and when your father showed up and ran them off, he refused to give evidence or identify my attackers, because it would result in people discovering that we were conducting an affair. He allowed those men to walk free in order to save his reputation and keep his marriage intact.”

My gut churned again, this time for a very different reason. I wanted to think she was lying, but she had no reason to, and her story didn’t sound made up. In fact, the longer I contemplated it, the more it sounded exactly like something my dad would do.

“Go on, tell me I’m lying,” said Jennings, folding her arms across her chest defensively.

“I believe you,” I whispered, and her eyes flared in shock. A moment passed between us, and I didn’t know what to say. In the end, I went with a simple, “I’m sorry that happened to you. And I’m sorry my dad is spineless coward.”

Because he was. And even though Jennings was no ray of sunshine, no woman deserved to be treated like he’d treated her. She lifted her chin, and we shared a moment of eye contact. Finally, she nodded her acceptance of my apology, and I turned and left her office.

***

By the time I got home from work that evening, I felt emotionally drained. I couldn’t stop thinking about Jennings and my dad, could barely get my head around it, really. He’d cheated on my mum with her, and then did something so abhorrent as to abandon her when she needed him most. At long last, her treatment of me all these years made sense. Hell, if I was Jennings, I’d hate me, too.

The flat was empty when I went inside, and I remembered that Alexis had an afternoon modelling job to go to. Dropping my keys on the coffee table, I pushed open the door to my bedroom and got a fright to see a man sitting at the end of my bed. Jumping back, my hand went to my baton, which, since I was still in full uniform, was resting in its holster. It took a second for my pulse to slow down.

“You almost gave me a heart attack,” I breathed. “How did you get in here?”

Lee’s eyes traced over me tenderly. “Alexis let me in about a half an hour ago.” He paused and ran a hand over his short-cropped hair, seeming a little out of sorts. “I’ve been thinking about you all day. Last night my bed felt empty without you in it.”

I could tell he was perplexed by his feelings, and truthfully, after our emotional conversation the previous night, I felt the same. His words made something inside me soften, and I let him pull me over to sit next to him on the bed. I’d left his house yesterday afternoon, after a night (and a morning) of life-altering sex, the kind of sex that made you realise you were being shafted with all the sex you’d had before it.

“I’ve had a strange day,” I said as he gently pulled the pins from my hair and ran his fingers through its length. “A really strange day, actually.”

His hands stilled for a second. “Strange how?”

“You remember my boss I was telling you about?”

Lee nodded. “The one who has it in you for you, yeah.”

“Well, we had something of a heart-to-heart, or as close to a heart-to-heart as we could have. I know why she hates me now. She and my dad had an affair years ago, and it ended badly.”

Lee’s hands resumed their movement, this time massaging the back of my neck as he made a thoughtful face. “Didn’t see that one coming.”

“Me neither. Like I said, weird day.”

His breath met my skin as he asked, “You want me to make it less weird?”

His voice was pure sex. I shivered, closed my eyes, and silently nodded as his fingers went to my shirt to undo the buttons. I sat back and allowed him to undress me, never once opening my eyes. When his lips brushed lightly over mine, my mouth fell open. I could almost sense his grin when his tongue slid along my lower lip and then dipped inside. My head tilted back, and I moaned when his lips travelled along my jaw and to the crook of my neck, where he began planting kisses that got me instantly wet.

He was already learning what I liked.

Somewhere between now and the night we’d spent together, I’d made the unconscious decision to let this happen, to let myself have Lee in whatever way I could. Maybe it was because of the sweet things he’d said, the way he understood me better than anyone else. Or maybe it was all down to the rush of being with him when I knew I shouldn’t. I convinced myself that if no one ever found out, nothing bad could come of it.

I wore only my black bra and matching knickers when Lee pushed me to the top of my bed. He climbed over me, still fully clothed, eyes roaming my face as he spread my hair across the pillow, a halo of red. My chest rose and fell with my breathing, and my breasts rubbed against the fabric of his top, desperately needing him to remove my bra.

Instead, he took both of my hands in his and raised them above my head, then bent his mouth to mine and kissed me so fiercely I felt it all the way down to my toes. He settled his weight between my legs and began to move his hips gently back and forth, his hardness meeting my softness. I gasped into his mouth right before something cold met my wrists and I heard a recognisable click.

Abruptly, I dragged my mouth from his and tried to lower my hands, only to find he’d handcuffed me to the bedpost. My heart pounded rapidly, my adrenaline kicking in.

“Lee!” I hissed. “Did you take those from my uniform?”

He smirked, still on top of me, and pressed his erection between my legs once more. “Spur-of-the-moment decision, couldn’t help myself,” he murmured, kissing me again. “Just go with it.”

“Give me the key, now,” I demanded between kisses, trying not to melt under his assault.

“Hush, you’ll like this,” he assured me, chuckling huskily as his mouth descended. He lifted my body slightly to unsnap my bra, and then he was caressing my breasts, running his lips tantalisingly over the peaks of my nipples and making me squirm in place. I wanted to protest more, tell him I’d kick his arse if he didn’t release me within the next three seconds, but I couldn’t, because the truth was that Lee was right. I did like it. In fact, I liked it a little too much. Especially when he sucked my breast into his mouth and his hand slipped inside my underwear, his fingers finding me instantly.

He groaned, his tongue flicking around my nipple, and broke away long enough to growl, “So wet.”

It was both agonising and tantalising not being able to touch him. All I could do was lie there and let him do what he wanted to me. My pores tightened in anticipation.

“Take something off,” I pleaded, frustrated that he still hadn’t removed a single article of clothing.

He chuckled, and his mouth left me when he rose to pull his T-shirt off over his head. I allowed my eyes to trace the contours of his body, enjoying how his hips tapered at the waist of his jeans. His gaze trailed over me as his hands lowered to undo his fly, pulling a condom from his pocket before shoving off his jeans. With his mouth he tore the wrapper, then threw it onto the bed as he positioned his head between my legs.

“You,” he began, kissing my inner thigh, “are the sexiest woman I’ve ever seen.”

My back arched against the mattress when he pressed his lips to my folds, his tongue peeking out and giving a soft lick. His eyes were on my breasts, which were pushed high into the air with my position as he licked. I pulled my hands against the cuffs, my wrists knocking into the bed frame in my effort to struggle free.

“You’ve got to – ” I gasped, stopping mid-sentence when he slid his tongue down and then inside me. “God, you’ve got to make me come.”

He chuckled, not coming up for air, and continued to eat me out until I was just on the cusp of orgasm. Then his mouth left me, and I huffed out a breath of dissatisfaction. Grabbing the condom from where he’d thrown it on the bed, he rose up to his knees and rolled it down his stiff length. Barely a second later, he was thrusting inside me hard and fast, his hands circling my waist, eyes roaming my body as I lay there completely at his mercy.

He fucked me with abandon, his hips jutting in and out in a frenzy of lust. My vision grew hazy, and I could barely find my voice to speak.

“Mine,” Lee grunted, his fingertips digging into my flesh. “This is mine.”

“Yes,” I breathed, my voice more air than sound as his eyes shone with a fierce victory.

“God, look at you. You’re so beautiful when you let go, Karla.”

“I need to touch you,” I whimpered.

Lee smiled a beautifully handsome smile. “Not yet.”

“Lee,” I moaned needily. “Please.”

His eyes captured mine as his movements sped up. After having his mouth on me, I was so ready to shatter, and every thrust of cock felt incredible. The keys must have been left in the cuffs, because he reached up and released them, taking one hand and lowering it between our bodies. “Don’t touch me, touch yourself. I want to see you,” Lee said, bringing my fingers to my clit as he continued to move. Coaxing me to draw lazy circles over my flesh, his eyes blazed with arousal. The knowledge that touching myself did that to him was a huge turn-on.

“Fuck,” Lee swore, watching me, his gaze wandering from my fingers and up to my face. I felt my own wetness coat my hand, and the sensation of having his cock inside me while I brought myself to orgasm was unbelievable. I shook around him, moaning loudly when I came. Lee kissed me, swallowing my sounds as he sought his own release. His tongue swept across mine, over and over, until I felt his movements slow down. I opened my eyes, watching him come, his brows drawn together tight. He looked so masculine, so perfect. His body dropped to mine, his arms going around me and pulling me close.

When we fell asleep, he was still inside me.