Текст книги "Running on Empty"

Автор книги: L. B. Simmons

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Текущая страница: 4 (всего у книги 16 страниц)

We went to the lake that day to go fishing, something we always did in the summers…and since school was about to start we wanted to get as much fishing time in as we could. Enjoying the morning sun, we were both sitting in the boat, silently enjoying it as it rocked back and forth, when I felt a sudden tug on my line. I yanked the pole back and I could feel the fish fighting me; it felt like a big one. I jumped up with excitement and started bringing it in. As I reeled it out of the water, I threw my fishing pole to the side, grabbing the line with one hand and the fish in the other. Trying to unhook the fish’s mouth, I could feel the fish wiggling out of my grasp.

“Blake! Help me! I’m about to lose the fish,” I yelled frantically as I tried to get the hook out of its mouth. But it was too late. The fish fell and started flopping all over the bottom of the boat. We both dropped to our knees in an effort to catch it, but neither one of us could grab it, it kept slipping out of our hands. Finally, it must have unhooked itself because it flipped and flopped its way out of the boat, but we didn’t care. We were laughing so hard we could hardly breathe. We both ended up on our bellies facing each other.

Finally, when we managed to stop laughing, we just stopped and stared at each other. I noticed how his hair was a lot lighter in the summer, which made his green eyes even more beautiful. I was lost in his eyes when suddenly, he leaned in and gave me a tiny peck on the cheek. Before I could say anything, he rose to his feet so quickly it made me dizzy. Well, it was either that or the rocking of the boat when he got up. Either way, Blake Morgan just kissed me on the cheek. I could feel the heat on my face as I stood back up in the middle of the boat, but I said nothing.

Blake and I both acted like nothing happened for the rest of the day. We soon went back to normal, joking and laughing with each other. We left after a couple of hours, eventually going our separate ways.

Right before dinner, there was a knock on my front door. I went to answer it, expecting Harlow. But when I opened the door, there was no one there. There was, however, a box placed on the welcome mat. I picked it up and untied the red ribbon that held it closed. Sitting in a patch of white fluff was a fishing pole charm and a note that simply said:

With tears in my eyes, I stare at the bracelet as the lost memory runs its course through my mind. Then realization sets in.

I think I know now why Blake Morgan hates me so much. About a week after he left me that charm, Derek Meyer walked into both of our lives and all of this was completely forgotten….

Forgotten until this very moment.

Climbing into bed, I can’t help but think about my relationship with Blake. We were extremely close growing up. I do remember that. Harlow’s words run over and over in my mind.

“Do you remember how much he cared about you back then? Even as young as we were, he would’ve done anything for you.”

Freakin’ Harlow.

I totally blame this lack of sleep on the exhausting five hour lecture I just received. And I will be blaming her tomorrow when I am a raging bitch at work. Perfect payback for tonight’s torture session.

“Do you remember how much he cared about you back then?”

Her words keep bouncing around in my head.

I begin to think back to that last summer with Blake before Derek entered the picture. While remembering that sweet peck on the cheek, I notice my cheeks, even now, start to warm. I think about the sweet gesture of the charm and a smile breaks across my face.

What the hell am I doing? I can’t be thinking like this.

Aggravated with myself, I roll over and shut my eyes. I don’t have this luxury. And I won’t pretend that I do.

But boy…it sure would be nice, I think to myself as I finally fall asleep.

 

“Ma’am, this is Officer Sanchez from the Round Rock Police Department. Are you the wife of a Mr. Derek Meyer?”

“Yes I am. Who is this?”

“Mrs. Meyer…I’m afraid there’s been an accident.”

“An accident? What kind of accident?” Harlow places her coffee mug down on her desk and walks into my office. She gently shuts the door behind her, her widened eyes meeting mine.

“Ma’am, we’re gonna need you to come to Round Rock Medical Center. Your husband has been involved in a pretty severe vehicular accident and was airlifted to the hospital this morning. Ma’am, if you could find someone to drive you, I suggest you get here as soon as you can. We can call the Waco P.D. and see if we can get an officer to bring you if you’d like. But we’ll need you to get on the road as soon as possible.”

I begin gasping for air, but it doesn’t work. I can’t breathe. I start to fan my face to try to get some air in my lungs. I still can’t breathe. This isn’t happening. I look at Harlow as a river of tears begins to flow down my cheeks. I attempt to speak to Officer Sanchez.

“No,” I say as I take in a much needed breath. “I have someone who can bring me. We’re on our way.”

Harlow, keys already in hand, grabs the phone from me and hangs it up. “What happened, Alex? Is it Derek? Is he okay? Where is he?”

“Harlow, Derek was airlifted to Round Rock Medical Center this morning. He was in a car accident.” Every part of my body is shaking now. I can’t feel anything but my own heart beat, pulsating in my head. My hands are balled into fists by my side, and I feel my nails start to slice through the palms of my hands.

Then it starts to actually sink in.

“We have to hurry, Harlow. Please, we need to go,” I say rushing toward the door. “I need to see him.”

She follows me to the door and stops. “We’ll make it, honey. Try to calm down. We don’t know anything yet.” She takes in a long breath through her nose and exhales. I’m not sure if the breathing is more for me or for her. “Listen, I know it’s hard, but you need to focus on being strong. It isn’t going to help him any to see you like this. So you have about an hour to compose yourself.”

She places her hands on my shoulders. “I’m right here. I’ll be right beside you the entire time. So take a breath, unclench your fists because I think you’re bleeding…seriously…and let’s go,” she says with a weak smile. She opens the door and then wraps her arms around my shoulders. “Everything will be okay.”

I squeeze her tightly in response. “God Harlow, I hope so. I can’t imagine my life or the girls’ lives without Derek. He’s everything to us, Harlow. He’s all we know.”

“I know, Alex. Try to stay positive. And try to remember to breathe.” She pauses to give me another quick squeeze.

“Now, let’s get you to Derek, sweetie. Chin up.” Harlow removes her arms from around me and puts her hand under my chin forcing me to look at her. She peers into my eyes.

“You can do this, Alex.” I look at her determined face and I know she’s right. I let out a sigh blowing the hair out of my face. “Okay, we can do this. Let’s get going.”

As we start out the door, I grab Harlow’s hand. “He’ll be okay, Harlow. Right?”

Smiling a little more confidently and giving my hand a quick squeeze back, she simply replies, “Positive thoughts only my friend.”

 

 

The ride to Round Rock is a pretty silent one; I think we’re both lost in thought. I can’t help but worry about what I’ll see when I get to the hospital, but I try to push all the negative thoughts out of my mind.

He’s going to be fine. He’ll be fine.

I wring my hands over and over in my lap.

Harlow reaches over and places her hand over mine. “Calm down. We’re almost there.”

“I know, Harlow. It’s just hard. I’m trying,” I say, letting out a little sob. There’s a lump in my throat the size of a softball. I raise my arm to wipe my face with my sleeve.

I’m trying...

I look out the window. I watch the traffic go by and find myself thinking about Derek. His smile, his humor, his arms holding me tight. He’s all I want, all I need right now. His arms around me. The safety I feel when he’s near me. I want to hear his laughter, to feel his kisses on my face. I want nothing more than to walk into that room and hold him tight. A slight breath of relief escapes me as I imagine crawling into the hospital bed with him, his arms wrapping around me, taking all my fears away.

I feel Harlow’s car start to slow, along with the traffic around us. I look out the window and see blue and red police lights on the right side of the interstate. I notice the sun highlighting shards of clear glass all over the concrete, mixed with a lot of red pieces…both of which are strewn across this section of the road. I look up to barely catch a glimpse of what looks like the remnants of a car, completely flipped upside down, sitting in the grass on the side of I-35.

I audibly gasp out loud and cover my mouth. “Oh my God, Harlow. Is that–”

“Don’t. Lay your seat down. Now! Do it, Alex. You don’t need to see this.”

I do as I’m told, only to shut my eyes and raise my arm where the crook of my arm covers my face. I try to keep all the negative thoughts from breaking into my mind.

Think positive.

I can do this.

He’ll be fine.

He’s going to be just fine.

But I still can’t seem to control my tears. Harlow’s hand, still resting on mine, gives another small squeeze. Shortly after, I feel the car finally come to a halt. “We’re here sweetheart,” Harlow says gently. “Do you need a minute?”

I shake my head as I raise the seat back into its original position. “No. I need to get in there. We need to go.”

Handing me a napkin from the glove compartment, Harlow says, “Alright. But you’re gonna need to wipe your face before we get in there.” She gives me a small compassionate smile.

I accept the napkin and blot my cheeks. I let out a deep sigh from my lungs and smooth my shirt with my hands.

“I’m ready,” I say, voice shaking.

I just wish I knew exactly what the hell I am supposed to be ready for…

 

 

“Oh my God–Harlow.” Every ounce of strength I think I have abandons my body. I grab my best friend as I begin to lose my legs from underneath me.

“Harlow –I ca–”

“Yes, you can, Alex. You have to. I’m right here sweetie. Just go to him. He needs you,” she says, guiding my uncooperative body to the side of the bed where Derek lies, unrecognizable.

Looking at my husband, I know I’m slowly losing control. Every part of my body is shaking. More tears stream down my face. The lump in my throat is almost unbearable. But, I need to stay strong for him. As I move closer to the man lying in front of me, I try to manage the emotions that seem to be forcing their way out of my body. Taking a deep breath, I begin to time my breathing with Derek’s heart monitor in an effort to remind myself to actually breathe.

Beep. Breathe.

Beep. Breathe.

Beep. Breathe.

I take my trembling hand and raise it to touch his cheek. His face is so swollen; I can’t make out his features. There’s no resemblance to the man I know. My eyes move to where his head is wrapped in a bandage that covers every lock of beautiful brown curly hair.

I physically don’t have any more strength. I lay my head down on his chest. I grab his hand and let my fingers intertwine with his.

“Derek, where are you? Open your eyes for me. I want to see your beautiful brown eyes. Please open them, baby.” I will myself to raise my head to once again look at his face. I place my chin on his chest because my head just seems too heavy right now. I focus on his mouth and raise my hand to run my fingers over the cuts on his lips. I can’t help but think of his beautiful smile. The dimples that fill his cheeks when he laughs. Tears pour out of my eyes, soaking his hospital gown.

“I need you. Your babies need you, Derek. You have to fight to stay alive for us. Please don’t stop fighting for your life. I know you can hear me. I love you, you’re my life baby. You’re our rock. Our strength. Our protector. I can’t do this without you. Please…please….please…” I keep repeating it, hoping he hears me.

After a while, I feel Harlow’s hand on my back. “Alex, there’s an officer here that wants to speak with you,” she says quietly.

Sniffling, I raise my head from Derek’s chest and mop the tears from my face and neck. I nod my head at her. “Okay.”

With a lingering look at Derek and a light touch to his cheek, I turn to follow Harlow out of the room. Outside, I see who I presume is Officer Sanchez standing in the hall. He gives me a sympathetic smile…the same exact smile that I would come to absolutely detest over the next few years of my life.

“Good morning, Mrs. Meyer. I’m Officer Sanchez. I believe we spoke earlier on the phone. I’m glad you made it down here safely”.

“Yes, sir,” is all I can manage. I feel my brain slowly starting to shut down.

Taking a deep breath, Officer Sanchez places his hand on my shoulder.

“Well, ma’am, we suspect that he fell asleep at the wheel while driving on the interstate. We were called to respond sometime around 7:30 AM. We found the car right on the outskirts of Round Rock and immediately had him airlifted to Round Rock Medical. There’s not much that we can tell you at this time. What we do know is that his car was hit several times before ending up on the side of the interstate. It took us a while to get him out, but when we did, he was immediately put en route to the hospital,” he says nervously. “I’m sorry there wasn’t more we could do for him on the scene.”

I start to replay the previous night’s events in my head. Derek coming to bed late. Him kissing the back of my neck. Turning to look at the clock. 3:17 AM. Making love. Waking up. Finding him gone. The unmistakable scent of sandalwood lingering on his still warm pillow.

I turn to Harlow. We were joking about our “late night” right before the phone call from Officer Sanchez.

“Oh my God. We were up too late last night,” I say through the tears. “It’s my fault. If I would have told him no–”

“No you don’t, Alex,” Harlow says through her teeth, shaking her head. “You’re not going to take the blame for this. This is not your fault. It was an accident. Accidents happen. There’s no one at fault here, sweetie, especially you.”

Turning to Officer Sanchez, Harlow asks, “Is there anything you need from us? My friend really needs to be with her husband right now.”

Sanchez shakes his head. “No ma’am. There may be some information we need to get later, but nothing that can’t wait.” He turns and looks at me, sad expression filling his eyes. “Ma’am, I’m truly sorry. I really hope that he pulls through.”

And with that, Officer Sanchez turns and walks down the corridor.

I start to walk into the room when Harlow grabs my arm and turns me to face her.

“This is not your fault. You DO NOT walk in that room believing that, Alex. You get in there and you fight for your husband. Blaming yourself will do absolutely no good right now. No wasted energy. Go in there and remind Derek of everything that he needs to fight for.” I can see her actually trying to will the strength into me. She jerks her head in the direction of Derek’s room. “Go.”

I nod my head and embrace her as though she’s my lifeline. She squeezes me just as tightly and after a while she pats my back for encouragement. Hoping I have absorbed some of Harlow’s strength, I finally let her go.

“Harlow, I know you’ve already done so much for me today, but can you do me a couple of more things?” She nods. “Listen, I need you to please call John and Nancy and have them go get the girls from school. Let them know Derek has been in an accident. That I’m here, but I haven’t spoken with the doctor yet. I think that they’ll want to get here to see their son as soon as possible. Have them bring the girls. Tell them they can bring my car if they want to, remind them I put the spare keys in my kitchen drawer. Then, call my parents and let them know what’s going on as well. Tell them there is no reason for them to fly down yet and that I will call them as soon as I know something.” I stop speaking as my thoughts immediately go to the girls.

“What am I going to tell the girls, Harlow?” My voice shakes uncontrollably.

“You’ll tell them the truth. That’s all you can do sweetie.” She turns my body gently toward Derek. “Now, go to your husband. I’ll take care of everything else.”

I give her one last look and walk into the room. As I enter, I hear the familiar and comforting sound of Derek’s monitor.

Beep.

Beep.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee–

I watch the monitor as the last remnants of Derek’s heartbeat slowly go by.

“No! No! No! Oh my god…Harlow!” I scream a guttural scream as I run to Derek’s side. I push the call button for the nurse and yell as loud as humanly possible. “Nurse! Please…Help! Help me…help my husband! Please!”

I’m still screaming when the nurses and Harlow rush into the room. I grab onto Derek and loudly cry out, “Derek, you fight! You fight for us! Don’t you give up! We need you, Derek!” I’m shrieking at the top of my lungs and shaking him with every ounce of strength my weakened body can muster. I barely register that Harlow’s beside me trying to pry my fingers from Derek’s arms.

“Alex, you have to let go sweetheart. They can’t help him unless you let go. You need to move, honey.”

I wrench my fingers as tightly as I can around his arms. I can’t let go. If I let go–

“Please, let go, Alex. Let them try to help,” Harlow says, forcefully breaking my hold on Derek. She grabs both of my hands, turns my body away from Derek, and looks me directly in the eyes. “Alex, we need to go outside. Okay? Let them do their jobs.”

I stare at her face because it’s the only thing I can do. I have no fight left in me. I let her lead me out of the room. I hear the doctors and nurses fighting to save him. But I know deep down he’s already gone because I don’t feel him anymore. I don’t feel his soul. I don’t feel his presence in my heart. I don’t even feel my own heart anymore. That’s how I know he’s gone. There’s nothing I can do. Nothing I can say. Nothing I want to say. I can feel my body, my heart, my brain…everything…shutting down. There’s nothing anymore. I’m completely void. Completely empty.

I should have never let go.

 

I awake in my room, my pillow drenched in tears. My eyes remain shut but the tears continue.

Derek.

Gone.

Alone.

Empty.

As I re-play the death of Derek, just as it was in my dream over and over again, I find myself getting angrier each time.

Angry at myself for being so weak.

Angry at Derek for dying and leaving me behind.

And honestly, I find myself angry at a certain someone for showing up after all these years. Trying to be my hero. I don’t need a hero. I don’t need anyone.

And I sure as hell do not need Blake Morgan.

Thursday morning I wake up to the sound of my alarm, evidently set to the tone of “Drill Nails into Alex’s Skull”. I honestly don’t know if my headache is from the wine, the tears, or a combination of both. Whatever the reason, I’m being severely punished this morning. Turning my alarm off, I drag myself out of bed and make the rounds to wake up my girls. I walk into Nycole and Kyndall’s shared room and turn on the light. Their heads immediately disappear under their sheets.

“Get up sleepyheads!” I shout, immediately cringing in pain.

I watch their beds for any sign of movement. This is going to be an extremely long morning.

“Girls….please get up. Mommy isn’t feeling great this morning. Can you guys help me a little and get out of bed now, instead of waiting until the thirty-seventh time I ask? Please? I will love you guys forever.” I sing the last line.

Nycole’s head pops straight up. “So, are you saying there’s a possibility you won’t love us forever?”

A small smile finds its way to my lips as I look at this little girl who’s growing up so fast.

“Um, no. But it was an effective way to get you two up, no?”

“Mama,” Kyndall says, removing the covers from over her head. “That wasn’t very nice. Are you sure you’re gonna love us forever?”

“Girls, I will love you forever and ever and ever. There’s no way I could ever stop loving you. You’re both my babies. Did you know that when you are fifty years old, you’ll still be my babies?”

They both giggle.

“So, yes, I’ll love you forever. Unless you guys don’t get out of bed this minute. Then I will love you no more!” I yell as I jump onto Nycole’s bed and start tickling her. Kyndall jumps on my back in a measly effort to protect her sister. I bring her little body over my shoulder and throw her onto Nycole’s bed, tickling her as well. We’re all giggling when I hear Rylie’s little voice as she enters the room.

“Hy-yah!” She shouts, running across the room. She jumps on my back, karate chopping and kicking like the ninja master she is. When I finally catch a glimpse of her, I break out into laughter. Oops. I guess we forgot to take off her swimsuit before she went to bed. Oh well, at least I did manage to remember to braid her crazy hair after her bath, which will make getting her ready much, much easier this morning.

“Nice kick, young grasshopper. Now guys, let’s get out of this room and start getting ready for school.”

Maybe I should have reconsidered the early morning wrestling match, because now my head is really throbbing. Yet, I smile to myself in lieu of my misery. It was so worth it.

The rest of the morning is pretty uneventful. The only minor hiccup is Rylie refusing to wear shoes that actually match her outfit. And since I’m running on my morning after Wild and Wacky Wednesday speed, I opt to not argue with her about it. While heading to the car, I shake my head as I look at my beautiful baby girl, brown curly hair blowing everywhere, dressed in a blue sundress that Nancy bought her with a pair of red and white checkered flats. Well, if nothing else, it’s very “Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz”-esque.

While driving the normal morning route, I decide that I completely loathe the “Do you know?” game that Rylie has recently started forcing me to play with her.

“Mommy, do you know what starts with A?”

“What?”

“Apple and Art.”

“That’s right baby. You are so smart.”

“Mommy, do you know what the potty is called?”

“What?”

“The toilet or the rest room.”

“That’s right baby. Hey, Kynd–”

“Mommy, do you know the color of brains?”

“Rylie – we don’t talk about–”

“Pink. Brains are pink, Mommy.”

“Rylie, that’s right. But please don’t talk about brains, okay? I don’t think your teachers in your new big girl class would like that.”

“Okay, Mommy.”

“Do you know the capital of New York?” she asks. Honestly, she’s got me there.

“No, honey, what is the capital of New York?”

“Albany.”

How does she know this stuff? And why New York? Why not Texas?

“Rylie? What’s the capital of California?” I suddenly feel the need to gauge this child’s intelligence level.

“My formula.” She smiles widely looking back at me in the rearview mirror.

Phew! Okay…so she isn’t completely smarter than me. I grin back at her wholeheartedly.

After I drop the girls off at all of their respective drop sites, I head over to Prestige. Walking in the door, I let out a snort as I look at Harlow.

“Sporting the after Wednesday night look as well my dear friend?” Harlow is in the process of popping ibuprofen in her mouth. Her hair is in a pony tail, which is an extremely rare occurrence.

“I totally blame you for this look, actually,” Harlow snaps back, obviously not in the mood for my first-rate sarcasm this morning.

“Well then, we’re even because I didn’t get an ounce of sleep last night thanks to you. After you left, I went into the attic and found some random box labeled ‘Alex’s Stuff’ – did you do that by the way because your labeling is completely unacceptable. Anyway, I opened it, and found the charm bracelet Blake gave me when we were kids. You remember which one I’m talking about, right?” I watch Harlow give a slight nod yes, obviously in too much pain for a full-fledged head shake.

“Well, I had some unfortunate memories about him, and then proceeded to have some even more unfortunate memories revolving around Derek’s death. So needless to say, if we’re playing the blame game, I win…by a freakin’ landslide.”

I think I just word vomited on myself. I need some coffee.

“Okay…you win,” Harlow says emphatically surrendering. “Sorry for the drunken lecture. But honestly, we don’t have that many chances to really talk, ya know? I said what I felt needed to be said and what I know you needed to hear.”

“I know, Harlow. It doesn’t make it easy to take though. I know everything you said is true, but honestly, I’m just not ready. Maybe someday, but not now.”

Sighing extremely loudly, Harlow places the ibuprofen bottle on the counter. “I’m not getting into this with you today, Alex. I’m too tired and too hung over.”

“That’s completely fine by me,” I say as my cell starts ringing. “What the–”

“Who is it?”

“Oh. My. God. I completely forgot I left a message with his parents. It’s Blake.”

Covering her mouth in an effort to try to hide her obvious amusement, Harlow asks, “Well, are you going to answer it?”

“Hell no, I’m not going to answer it.” I throw my phone back into my purse. “I don’t have time for this shit, Harlow. So what, he’s here after all of these years? Honestly, I don’t care. It has nothing to do with me. I haven’t spoken to the man in years. There’s nothing to say. He did me a favor. Big freakin’ whoop. I’m not obligated to answer his phone calls. So I’m not going to.”

“Okay…jeez, Lucifer. I was just asking a question. You sure are defensive about a phone call.” Harlow’s enjoying this. I can tell by the delighted look on her face. I decide to squash any thoughts that may be going on in that devious mind of hers.

“Well, I don’t want you to get your hopes up, Harlow. I’m broken. And I don’t anticipate being fixed anytime soon. And I sure as hell don’t expect Blake Morgan to be my cure. Nor do I want him to be. I’m comfortable where I am in my life,” I say walking into my office. “I don’t want to hear anything else about Blake Morgan. Ever!” I shout at Harlow, slamming my door.

I swear I hear her laughing, but I choose to not acknowledge it. I sit down at my desk and look at my phone. Shit, he left a voice mail.

After staring at my phone for five minutes, I delete the message without even listening to it. There’s nothing Blake has to say that I want to hear. Now or ever.

Well…it seems my gut feeling was spot on, as usual, about Harlow and her new potential man, Trace. He calls while I’m deleting my unheard message from Blake. Harlow excitedly rushes into my office and demands that I accompany her on Friday to meet Trace. He got the job with Synergy and wants to meet for drinks to celebrate. Evidently this is some kind of girl code I’m unaware of….number one, because I haven’t been on the dating scene in a ridiculously long time. And two, because Harlow never bothers to “date” anyone.

Very interesting.

I accept because, while I do love Harlow, I really just need a good girl’s night out. So, if nothing else, it will be an enjoyable evening with my friend. With a little bit of Trace thrown in...

Friday “day” comes and goes, and now I find myself in my bathroom, putting make-up on with my mother-in-law Nancy, aka the babysitter – also aka Derek’s mother, sitting on the bathtub behind me discussing the schedule for this evening.

“We’re meeting Trace at George’s Bar at seven. After that, I have no idea.” I chuckle as I look at Nancy in the mirror. “You have met Harlow right?”

Smiling back, Nancy nods her head. “Yes, I have. I’ll stay however long you need me. Actually, I’ll probably just take the girls to my house for the night so there’s no need to hurry back. You girls enjoy your evening. Don’t worry about us. We’ll be just fine.”

After a few second of silence, Nancy speaks again. “I heard Blake Morgan’s in town.”

“What? Blake Morgan?” I ask innocently. Seriously, is there a Blake Morgan convention going on that I don’t know about? “Yeah, I ran into him earlier this week. How do you know Blake?”

“Alex, he and Derek were friends, don’t you remember? He used to come over to our house with Derek after the football games. Very sweet boy as I remember,” she says as though lost in a memory.

“Yeah, well he may have been sweet, but Derek was the only one for me. You know that. I didn’t really notice anyone else in high school. I don’t really think he would have appreciated that much.”

I shoot her a smug smile. I really don’t want to get into this with her before my much needed girls’ night.

“I know. I was just thinking that maybe –”

“Um, no. Don’t start. I’ve already gone into this with Harlow and I don’t feel like rehashing it with you. I’m still in love with Derek, Nancy. It wouldn’t be fair to start something with someone else. I would think that you, especially, would appreciate that.” I apply the second coat of mascara to my lashes.

Leaning forward and placing both hands on the counter, I will myself to meet her eyes in the mirror. I’m so sick and tired of this conversation.

She shakes her head disapprovingly. “It’s not about me, dear. It’s about you. It’s about how you’re choosing to live out the remainder of your own life. I still love Derek too, honey. But honestly, Alex, my son loved you more than anything. And I know that he would not have wanted this life for you. Just because you move on with someone else doesn’t mean you love him any less, sweetheart. Your happiness was the most important thing to him and he would be heartbroken to see you living this shell of a life you are living now.”

Well, shit. Use of the Derek guilt card by one Nancy Meyer.

“Nancy, I’m not ready. When I am, I’ll be sure to let everyone know, since my love life has become everyone’s favorite past time and talking point. Until then, I don’t want to hear anymore about it. And I don’t want to hear any more about Blake. I wasn’t interested in him then and I’m not interested in him now. Actually, I would’ve preferred that he’d never come back here, honestly. Just thinking about him makes me angry and I think it’s better that we don’t discuss him right now. Okay?” Nancy drops her eyes to the floor.

“Alright, sweetie. In your own time I guess. But just keep in mind what I said. It’s okay for you to let go, when you’re ready,” she replies.