Текст книги "This Is So Not Happening"

Автор книги: Kieran Scott

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Ally swallowed.

“And I used a condom, I swear,” I pleaded.

She looked away.

“It was so, so, stupid, Al,” I said, walking over to her. I almost actually knelt at her feet to get into her line of vision, but stopped myself. “I didn’t know what I was doing. I was pissed off about you and Cooper and she was upset about …”

About Will, I’d almost said. But then I remembered what Chloe had told me. That no one could know about Will.

“About something else,” I said. “And it just happened. I couldn’t stop myself. I couldn’t—”

“Oh my God. Stop!” Ally said, holding her hands up in front of her face as if I was trying to pummel her. She got up, forcing me backward, and walked toward her desk. “I just can’t believe you actually did it with her. Why her?”

“But it was just one time,” I said, sounding whiny. “And it’s not like I cheated on you. We weren’t together.”

Ally let out this laugh that sounded more like a snarl. “Okay, fine. What if I told you I slept with Hammond?”

My face burned to a crisp. “What?”

She took a couple of steps toward me. “What if I told you that down the shore this summer, Hammond and I were hanging out a lot and one night it just sort of happened? He started kissing me and I just couldn’t stop myself. What if he—”

I closed my eyes and my fingers clenched into fists. “Stop.”

“But we weren’t together, Jake,” Ally said, mocking me. “It’s not like I cheated on you.”

“Stop!” I shouted, glaring at her.

She flinched. “See? Doesn’t feel so good, does it?”

I swallowed a few times and tried to blink away the mental image of Ally and Hammond doing it. Of him getting to see her naked.

“You didn’t actually …”

She sighed. “No.” She almost sounded disappointed.

Thank God. The images of her and Hammond started to fade. And then I realized, I could maybe forget about it, because it hadn’t happened. But Ally would never be able to. Because what happened between me and Chloe … it had happened.

“I’m so sorry,” I said. “But what am I supposed to do? I mean, I can’t take it back. And it’s not like it was the first time I ever … I mean, it was the first time with her, but I’ve had sex with other—”

“Omigod, stop talking! You’re making it worse,” Ally snapped. “I don’t need the gory details of your sex life!”

She stormed across the room and started refolding a stack of clothes she had on the window seat, but she was just making them wrinklier. There was a huge lump in my throat and I didn’t know what I was supposed to do or say. This had to be the worst night of my life, hands down.

“It’s not like I thought you were a virgin or something,” she rambled, shaking her head as she basically balled up a T-shirt. “I mean, you’re Jake Graydon. You’ve hooked up with, like, every girl in school, right?”

Well, not every girl.

“So … what?” I said, frustrated. I mean, what was I being accused of? Having a life before I met her? “Like you’ve never …?”

“No, okay? I haven’t.”

Ally dropped the clothes in a messy pile and faced me across the bed.

“Feel better now? You get to walk around knowing that no guy has ever gotten past third base with your girlfriend, while I get to imagine you screwing every hot girl who struts by in the hall.”

I’d never seen her look so angry. So hurt and so small. There was something breaking inside of me.

“You’re going to break up with me now, aren’t you?” I asked quietly.

She didn’t move or blink. Part of me wanted to beg her not to leave me. How pathetic is that? But I couldn’t help it. I loved her. I’d never felt this way about anyone. And the idea that I could have messed it up so bad made me want to throw myself out the window.

And part of me needed her. Part of me realized that there was no way in hell I was going to get through this without her. How was I supposed to deal with Chloe? With Hammond? With Chloe’s parents? With mine? With a baby? I couldn’t figure this shit out on my own, and Ally was the smartest person I knew. And pretty much the only person who cared about me. Or she did. Before tonight.

Most of the summer I had been without her, and every day had sucked worse than the one before. I couldn’t live like that again. I just couldn’t.

“I don’t know,” she whispered.

I walked around the end of the bed and over to her. I almost died of relief when she let me touch her. I put my hand on her shoulder, and when she didn’t pull away, I moved it so that my thumb was just touching her cheek.

“Ally, I love you, okay?” I said. “I love you more than anything. I never loved her. It meant nothing.”

Ally took in a broken breath. “Apparently it meant a baby.”

I looked at the floor. At her feet in her favorite Converse. I really did want to die.

“I think you should go.”

Fear filled my chest.

“No. Come on. Please. Let’s just—”

“I want to be alone,” Ally said.

My hand dropped. I couldn’t just leave. I needed more. I needed to know this wasn’t it. So I leaned in to kiss her, but she turned her head. My lips bumped her cheek.

“Okay,” I said hopelessly. “Okay. I’ll go.”

I turned around and headed for the door. Then something Chloe had said suddenly hit me and, as much as it sucked, I had to turn back.

“Don’t tell anyone, okay? Chloe hasn’t even told Shannen or Faith or her parents. I mean, I told her you already know, but … she wants to wait until she figures out what she’s gonna do.”

I expected Ally to yell or throw something at me for asking her to do me a favor—do Chloe a favor—but instead she just nodded. “Okay.”

Then there was nothing else to do but turn around and walk out.

jake

I lay on the floor of my room, knocking the back of my head against the carpet over and over again in the dark. On my desk, my computer was set to Ally’s website where Ally kept scoring the winning shot in the Chestnut Grove game over and over and over again. I kept hearing my own voice cheering for her in the background as the ball sunk through the hoop, and I wanted to climb up the bleachers and punch that guy—that guy I used to be. He was such a clueless idiot, living in his own clueless idiot bubble. I wanted to punch him in the face and maybe weld his zipper shut, too.

A baby. Chloe pregnant. I couldn’t even imagine it. I’d never even held a baby in my life. It couldn’t be real.

How was I supposed to be a father? What was I going to do, quit school and work at Jump, Java, and Wail! full-time? A wave of cold terror went through me at the thought. But wait. Stop. No. I might not even have to be a father. Chloe could have an abortion. Or she could put the baby up for adoption, right? I mean, she wasn’t going to want to, like, marry me or some shit, was she?

My eyes squeezed closed. Probably I should’ve asked her a few of these things when I was at her house. What was wrong with me?

More cheers from the computer. I pressed my lips together and stopped breathing. Ally and I had worked on the website over the past couple of weeks, uploading videos of her playing basketball so scouts and coaches could check her out. I’d had one since the middle of last year. My dad had gotten some guy at his office to throw it together for me with clips of soccer games, swim meets, and lacrosse matches. Anything to try to get me into a good school, because we knew my grades weren’t gonna do it. Most of the athletes at OHH had one, but Ally had no idea people did this until I told her, and now she’d had over a hundred hits. I’d been so proud of myself for helping her out, but now it seemed so stupid. So, like, trivial. Because now I’d ruined everything.

I’d killed my relationship with Ally. And now yeah, maybe she’d be going to a good school, but where the hell would I be going? Nowhere. If Chloe did want to keep the baby, I’d be going exactly nowhere. Not Fordham, where my parents wanted me to go, not Rutgers, where the lacrosse team was calling my name, not to any of the zillions of schools constantly sending e-mails and catalogs and letters. The dream of getting out of here, away from my family, being free to do whatever the hell I wanted? It would all be over. Just like that.

In his room next door, my brother, Jonah, laughed, talking on the phone with one of his friends. For the first time in my life I wished I was him. Nothing to worry about except whether or not he was gonna make the varsity team this year.

I slung my arm over my eyes in the dark, blocking out the colors from the video that reflected on the ceiling. Squeezing my eyes shut as hard as I could, I went back to that night. That night with Chloe. That night that going over there had seemed like such a bad idea, but I’d gone anyway.

Why had I gone? Why, why, why?

Because of Will. Because I’d seen Will leaving there and I was jealous. But why? I didn’t like Chloe. Not the way I liked Ally. Why did I give a crap that Will had been over there in the middle of the night?

I bit down on my tongue because I knew the answer and it sucked. I’d been jealous because I’d thought Chloe wanted me, and I’d liked it. Because when we’d driven home from the movies earlier, she’d looked so hot and seemed so willing that I’d actually thought about kissing her. And it pissed me off that I was wrong. That apparently she had a thing for Will and not me. So I’d gone over there…. I’d gone over there to prove that I was hotter than Will Halloran. To prove that she actually did want me.

I was going to be a fucking father because I couldn’t deal with the fact that a girl could like someone else more than she liked me.

I flung my arm out, punching the floor so hard I saw stars. My teeth ground into my lip as I bit back tears. There was no way I was going to cry. I was not going to cry over the fact that I was an ego-crazed asshole with no self-control. I would not I would not I would not.

I pushed the heels of my hands into my eyes and saw myself rushing down the stairs and out the front door that night.

“Don’t do it don’t do it don’t do it,” I whispered in the dark.

I saw myself cross the street and creep through the rose garden.

“Don’t don’t don’t don’t don’t.”

I saw my hands on the trellis, felt the thorns brush my arms, heard the new floorboards of Chloe’s deck creak under my feet.

“No no no no no.”

But as hard as I pressed, as tightly as I clenched, as long as I held my breath, I couldn’t stop what happened next. I couldn’t take it back. Within thirty seconds I was kissing her and within three minutes we were on the bed and within ten minutes it was over.

And now I was completely and utterly screwed. For life.

september

I can’t believe Ally and Jake didn’t show up at the party last night.

           Maybe they think they’re too good for us.

Or maybe they had something cooler to do.

Probably. Now that Ally’s a Crestie again, those two are gonna be the power couple to end all power couples.

Unless they were off somewhere breaking up. Maybe he doesn’t want to be tied down by one girl this year.

You think? You think Jake Graydon is single again?

A girl can dream.

ally

The first day of school was all blue skies, bright sunshine, and balmy breezes, like Mother Nature was mocking us for having to sit inside all day. But I was so nervous as my mother and I walked up the steps toward the junior-senior entrance of Orchard Hill High that I barely noticed the weather. My vision homed in on all the important players like I was sizing up a battle scene.

Chloe was chatting with Faith Kirkpatrick on one of the stone benches outside the door, Chloe in brown linen shorts and a white top, Faith sporting her requisite minidress. God, I could barely even look at Chloe. She’d had sex with Jake. She’d seen my boyfriend naked. Or, at least partially naked. How naked had they actually gotten? Had it been short and fumbly and awkward or lingering and breathless and—

“Ally, don’t forget we’re tasting cakes after school today.”

I blinked at my mom, trying to replace the image of sweaty skin with pink-icing roses.

“Right. Okay.”

My attention immediately returned to Chloe. If she was upset, she was doing a fab job at hiding it, flipping her hair, waving to friends, shrieking over some text Faith showed her. A group of football players stood nearby in maroon and white jerseys, and one of them, Will Halloran, kept angling toward Chloe like he was trying to hear what she was saying. Shannen was nowhere to be seen, but Hammond stood next to the double glass doors with his arms crossed and a glower on, like he was a bouncer intent on keeping pasty dorks out of his exclusive club. The glower, of course, was directed at Jake, who stood a few feet away, laughing with Connor, Josh, and the Idiot Twins. He had a small, purple-pink bruise next to his left eye, which hadn’t been there last night. Had he gotten in another fight after leaving Gray’s house, or had I just not noticed it?

I paused a couple of steps from the top. My mom looked back at me. Her dark brown hair was up in a loose bun and she was wearing a colorful plaid pencil skirt and blue button-down shirt. I saw Connor Shale check out her butt and just knew what he was thinking: Hot librarian. Made me want to gag. But she had been working out a lot for the wedding and even I’d noticed she was looking prettier than ever lately.

“Everything okay, hon?” she asked.

My eyes flicked to where the guys were standing. Jake hadn’t noticed us yet.

“Yeah. I guess I just feel a little old to be walking into school with my mommy.”

She smiled and tilted her head. “So I guess no kiss for luck, then?”

I smirked. My mom had never been one for humiliating public displays of affection.

“Not this year,” I joked back.

“Shucks. And I even wore my new red lipstick for the occasion.”

“Hilarious Mom. Hilarious,” I said.

“Have a good day, Ally,” she replied with a wry smile. Then she turned and walked inside, pretending she didn’t notice Connor practically falling over for a better look.

With a deep breath I approached Jake. I could feel the junior girls watching me. I wondered how many people knew Jake and I were together. I wondered if they cared. Then Jake turned and saw me, and nothing those people knew or thought or believed mattered.

He was completely beautiful and I was in love with him and he was mine. Whatever happened over the summer was in the past. Right now, this minute, he was mine.

I walked right up to him, slipped my arms around his neck, and gave him a long, firm kiss, pressing away the images of his body against Chloe’s. Every inch of me relaxed and I felt like we were the only two people there. Everyone else faded into gray. That was when I knew for sure that I had made the right decision—that I was doing the right thing.

Jake broke away first. By that time, his friends were catcalling and laughing. Over his shoulder I saw Hammond roll his eyes and storm inside. I forced myself not to check for Chloe’s reaction.

“What are you … I mean, are you … okay?” Jake whispered to me.

“Dude! Can you do that again?” Trevor Stein crowed. His brown hair was spiky, like he’d just stuck his finger in an electrical socket, and he wore a bright surfer tee over shorts. He tugged his phone out of one of the pockets and pointed it at us. “I want to get it on video.”

“Do it with tongue this time!” his twin brother, Todd, added. He wore a similar T-shirt, but his hair was tamed, flopping over his forehead and making him look like a puppy dog.

As was often the best tactic with the Idiot Twins, I ignored them.

“Can I talk to you for a second? Alone?” I asked Jake.

“Definitely.” He took my hand and flicked Trevor on the forehead as he led me away.

“Ow!” Trevor whined. Then he turned around and flicked Todd the exact same way. Before we’d gotten five yards toward the corner, the two of them were wrestling on the ground and everyone was gathering to cheer.

Welcome to Orchard Hill High.

Jake tugged me around the corner and laid another kiss on me. This one was slow and deep and definitely involved tongue. My brain started to filter in images of Chloe, but I pushed them back and repeated three words to myself.

I love him. I love him. I love him.

When we finally came up for air, Jake hugged me close for a second and I listened to his heart pounding beneath the soft cotton of his navy-and-white striped T-shirt. By the way he was deliberately slowing his breathing, I could tell he was relieved. He stroked my hair down my back and I smiled slightly, relishing the moment.

“So you’re not mad anymore?” he asked finally.

I leaned back so I could see him. “No. Not mad.” It was a lie, but a white lie. I felt less mad this morning, which gave me hope that I’d feel even less mad tomorrow morning. I bunched up a bit of his shirt, then let it go and smoothed it out over his stomach. “I thought about it last night, like, the whole night.”

“Tell me about it,” he said, rolling his eyes.

I chose not to ponder what part he’d been thinking about the whole night. He actually did look kind of tired. His skin was waxy and his eyes were a little bloodshot. But it didn’t matter. He was the hottest thing I’d ever seen. Those junior girls who’d been watching us were probably plotting my assassination right now. Everyone wanted Jake Graydon. Even Chloe Appleby, apparently. That was just the way it worked around here. And I couldn’t exactly blame them. But he was my boyfriend, and he was going to stay that way.

“And I realized I couldn’t be a hypocrite,” I said.

His brow knit, confused. “What do you mean?”

I looked away and lifted a shoulder. A school bus pulled up at the end of the long line of cars along the drive. The door opened with a hiss, spewing forth laughing sophomores and timid-looking freshmen.

“I mean, I did … stuff with Cooper this summer too,” I said, fiddling with my own fingertips. His jaw clenched, but he said nothing. This sort of icky triumphant feeling bubbled up inside of me, which made me feel like a total jerk. But is it that wrong that I thought he deserved to feel jealous too, on some level? Just this once? “You were right. We weren’t together. So unless you’re gonna hate me for Cooper, I can’t hate you for Chloe.”

Jake nodded, looking less than pleased. I bet he was wondering what “stuff” I’d done with Cooper. Good. Let him wonder.

“I know this is gonna be complicated. Like, beyond complicated,” I said. “But I love you. And I’m not going anywhere.”

Jake blew out a sigh. “Thank God,” he said dramatically, tipping his head back and leaning back against the brick wall. “I swear I thought I was going to have to kidnap you and make you run away with me or something. I had us living in a hut on the beach in Mexico by next weekend.”

I laughed and grabbed both his hands, lacing our fingers together. “Is that what you were up all night thinking about? Your kidnapping plot?”

“Yeah. Why? What did you think I was thinking about?” he asked innocently.

The warning bell rang and a couple of kids shrieked as they ran for the sophomore/freshman entrance. Jake and I exchanged a look of dread as the last reverberations died away. I didn’t want to go in there. I didn’t want to deal.

“How were we going to get to this beach exactly?” I asked.

He smirked and slung his arm over my shoulders. “I was thinking private jet. If you’re gonna kidnap someone, I figure you gotta go big.”

As we made our way back around to the front of the building, our steps got slower and slower. But no matter how hard we tried, eventually we arrived. Chloe and Faith were just getting up from their bench and walking inside.

“Hey, guys,” Chloe said, glancing at me uncertainly.

They were the first words Chloe had spoken to me since telling me off at Shannen’s birthday party last year, after she found out I’d kissed Hammond once when we were freshmen. I guess she realized it wouldn’t make sense to stay mad at me for kissing her man three years ago when she’d gone all the way and back with mine, like, last month. I thought about averting my eyes, walking away, giving her the cold shoulder, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. As much as it killed just to be near her, I’d never been good at being mean. It wasn’t in my DNA, even though I sometimes wished it was. Just a little.

“Hi.” I stared at Chloe’s back as we followed her inside, trying to sort through how I felt. Who was she in this scenario? An unlucky girl who got pregnant by mistake, or the evil slut who went after my man? Was it possible to be both?

“I cannot believe you guys skipped Connor’s last night. Even Hammond and Shannen didn’t show,” Faith said, grabbing my arm. Her straight blond hair shone in the sun and she tugged down on the skirt of her plaid dress, which she’d probably be doing for the rest of the day. I couldn’t exactly decide how I felt about her, considering she’d been a total bitch to me last year and then sucked up to me all summer. But at the moment, figuring out my friendship with Faith was pretty low on my priority list. “What were you guys up to, anyway? Having an orgy without me?” she joked.

Chloe turned green and practically flung herself inside. Jake’s grip on my hand tightened like a vice. Faith giggled and skipped ahead of us, and Jake grabbed the door before it could slam into my shoulder.

“Thanks,” I said, trying to sound normal and failing miserably.

“Anytime,” he replied, matching my tone.

Our expressions were grim as we stepped over the threshold together, hand in hand. This was it. My senior year. It was gonna be superfun.

jake

Jump, Java, and Wail! was packed for a Wednesday night. A crowd of sophomores sat in the corner making ridiculous noise like they were the only people in the place. Probably drunk with freedom over being allowed out on a school night. I kind of remembered the feeling. Now here I was, working on a school night, whispering to my girlfriend about the girl whose oven I’d bunned.

I wished I was a sophomore again.

“So you didn’t talk to her? Not once?” Ally was saying.

“Nope. We have, like, one class together and every time I even looked at her she looked away.” I wiped out a wet mug with my towel and added the mug to the stack behind the counter. “I guess she’s avoiding me.”

“Huh.” Ally toyed with a box of sugar packets, mixing the white in with the brown. I was going to have to fix that later. Her dad, my manager, was kind of OCD about the sugar. “I wonder if she—”

“So what’s up, you two? How was the first day?”

Ally’s father walked up behind me and grasped my shoulder. I instantly stood up straight. Ally stopped talking and her face turned red. But her dad hadn’t overheard. Otherwise he wouldn’t have had that big-ass smile on.

“Hey, Dad,” she said, getting up on her knees on the stool to give him a hug over the counter. “It was … good.”

“Soccer practice was rough,” I added.

“How’s the team this year?” he asked, glancing up as an older couple walked through the door. Chase, the sixth-year college “student” at the register, took their order, which wasn’t that complicated, so I stayed where I was. Ally sat back down again.

“Good,” I replied. I picked up another mug to dry, but my hand was shaking, so I stopped. “We’re good.”

“And, Ally … how’s your mom? How’s the wedding planning going?”

His smile twitched and his voice broke when he said “wedding.” Guess he wasn’t cool with his ex-wife getting remarried. But from the grin he had on, he was trying to be. Kind of like I was trying to act normal even though I’d spent ninety percent of the day feeling like I could heave.

“Good,” Ally replied, shrugging. She looked at me instead of him. Ally wasn’t that psyched about the wedding either and I knew talking about it with her dad was tense. As much as I liked Mr. Ryan, I hated that her parents had put her in the middle of their gross love-triangle. “I haven’t really gotten that into it.”

“Don’t avoid it on my behalf, bud,” he said. “This is a huge deal for your mom. You should be there for her.”

She just stared at him. “If you say so.”

Mr. Ryan narrowed his eyes. “Are you two okay? You seem out of it.”

That was when Chloe walked in. Ally and I both froze. Chloe glanced around, and when she saw Ally, I think she almost backed out again. But then she changed her mind and came over. Then Keisha called Mr. Ryan over for some help with something.

“I’ll be back,” he promised, eyeing us.

“Great,” I said under my breath.

Luckily he didn’t hear me.

Chloe hung on to the strap of her bag as she stopped nearby. “Hi, guys.”

Ally stared down at her hands. Now she was the one who looked ready to heave.

“Hey,” I said.

I wiped my palms over and over on the towel. They were sweating like crazy.

“Um, Jake? Can I talk to you for a second?” Chloe asked.

Her eyes kept darting around. From me to Ally to Ally’s dad to the loud-ass losers by the window. She looked like she wanted to be somewhere else. Anywhere else. From the corner of my eye I saw Mr. Ryan head back to his office. Once the door was closed, I found my voice.

“What’s up?” I asked.

Chloe shot Ally a look. “Alone?”

My teeth clicked together. “Ally knows everything. We can talk here.”

Chloe touched her face, then her elbow, then her stomach. It was like she was uncomfortable in her own skin. Finally she let out a sigh.

“Fine. Okay. I was just wondering … I have a doctor’s appointment this Friday at five.” Her voice was so quiet I could barely hear her over the gurgling cappuccino machine behind me. “Would you come with me? Please? I don’t want to go alone.”

I felt like somebody had just flipped on one of those bright police spotlights right in my face. “Why?”

Ally’s eyes kind of bugged out. Chloe looked like she was about to cry. What? That wasn’t a valid question?

“Sorry. I just … I have practice, so …”

Ally looked away. She went digging in her bag like a raccoon in a garbage can. Okay. Clearly I was doing something wrong here.

“You can leave practice a few minutes early, right?” Chloe said. “I just … don’t think I can do this by myself and no one else knows, so …”

My stomach felt hollow. And even though this was about the last thing on the face of the earth I ever wanted to do, I couldn’t say no. Not with Chloe looking so scared and sad.

“Um, okay,” I said. “Sure.”

“Thanks.” Chloe put her keys down on the counter and pushed her hair back from her face with both hands. She sat down next to Ally and sort of slumped. Ally automatically put her hands up to steady her.

“Are you okay?” Ally asked.

“Yeah, I just … I need something to eat,” she said. “I get hungry and two seconds later, I get dizzy.” She looked at me. “Can I have a muffin or something?”

“Yeah.” I rushed to get one for her, snatching it out of the pastry case with the metal tongs and dropping it in front of her like a grenade. Chloe picked one of the crumbs off the top and placed it carefully on her tongue. She chewed it so slowly you’d think I’d fed her snails.

Ally and I stared at each other. I could tell she wanted me to say something, but what? I was so sure I’d say the wrong thing—kind of like I just had when she asked me to go to the doctor—that panic started to rise up inside my chest, blocking everything else out. Ally finally saved my ass.

“How are you … I mean, have you been feeling okay?” Ally asked her.

I felt this warm rush, guilty that I hadn’t been the one to ask, and grateful that Ally was being so cool. I clicked the tongs together at my side over and over again.

“Yeah. Just the dizziness,” Chloe said, slowly putting another crumb in her mouth. “And I’m nauseous in the mornings, until I eat.”

She reached for her bag and took out her wallet.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Paying for the muffin.”

“No. It’s fine. It’s on me,” I told her.

Ally kind of smiled, her lips tight and flat. At least I’d done something right.

“Thanks,” Chloe said. “I should go.” She slid off the stool, taking the muffin with her. “I’ll pick you up at the field on Friday?”

“Um, yeah,” I said.

Even though Hammond would probably kill me. I clenched the tongs together so tight I thought they might break.

“Actually, better let me meet you there,” I said. “I’m gonna have to make up an excuse, and you picking me up would kind of kill whatever I come up with.”

“Okay. I’ll text you the address,” Chloe said. She looked at Ally. “Thanks for being so cool about this. After what I said to you at Shannen’s party and now this … I don’t know why you don’t hate me.”

Ally cleared her throat. She shifted on her stool and rubbed her palms together between her legs. “Don’t worry about it.” She cleared her throat again. “If you ever need anything …”

She trailed off and let the thought die. I wasn’t sure any of us believed it anyway.

Chloe looked at the floor. “Thanks. I’ll see you guys at school.”

Then she practically ran out. It took a second for me to start breathing again. The sophomores in the corner laughed suddenly and loudly, and I wanted to fling my tongs at their heads.

“That was cool of you,” Ally said. “Saying you’ll go with her.”

“Yeah,” I said, placing the tongs down on the counter. I leaned forward, my elbows on the marble, and put my hands over hers. “I can’t believe you were so nice to her.”

Ally’s eyebrows shot up. “I was? I totally froze.”

“No, really. You’re amazing,” I said, hanging my head. “And I suck.”

“You don’t suck,” she said lightly. She took one of her hands out and put it on top of mine. “This whole thing sucks.”

I nodded, and stared down at the mound of our tangled-up fingers. I was going to the doctor on Friday. The lady doctor. With the girl who was going to have my baby. I held on to Ally so tightly I was surprised she didn’t squirm. We just sat there like that for the longest time. Me clinging to her, her letting me, until the line at the register got too long to ignore, and I had to let go.

ally

Life’s just weird. One second there’s tons of stuff that matters so much it’s stressing you out like crazy. Like getting my recruitment website just right. Making lists of coaches and scouts to call once the season started. Figuring out which schools to apply to and whether I wanted to be close to home or far away. Last week, it was life-consuming.

But I hadn’t thought about any of it since Tuesday night. Not once.

On Friday morning, I sat at the huge island in the center of Gray’s kitchen, my Frosted Flakes getting soggier and soggier as I stared at the babycenter.com website on my computer. I’d gone there thinking I could maybe figure out what Chloe’s options were, and the first thing I’d seen was a due-date predictor. They wanted you to put in the date of your last period, and then they’d tell you when the baby was due. Of course, I had no idea when Chloe’s last period had been. When had they had sex? June? July? August? How pregnant was she, exactly? Did her baby look like a cell sac, or was it already the size of a walnut, like the picture in front of me?